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Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain

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HUMORESQUE
HUMORESQUE 2


Related threads:
Lyr: When the train is in the station (Humoresque) (69)
Lyr Add: Humoresque (various versions) (71)
Lyr Req: Footsteps on my dashboard upside-down (15)
Humoresque and Swannee River (22)
Lyr Req: Footprints on the Windshield Upside Down (9)


Dave Hunt 08 Mar 12 - 08:36 PM
Leadfingers 09 Mar 12 - 04:37 AM
John MacKenzie 09 Mar 12 - 05:12 AM
Nigel Parsons 09 Mar 12 - 07:20 AM
GUEST,trevor 02 Jul 12 - 07:11 AM
C Stuart Cook 02 Jul 12 - 07:25 AM
MGM·Lion 02 Jul 12 - 07:29 AM
GUEST 10 Jul 12 - 08:01 PM
GUEST,Sharon 10 Nov 12 - 01:30 AM
GUEST 08 Jan 13 - 05:19 PM
GUEST,Seonaid 08 Jan 13 - 07:27 PM
Don Firth 08 Jan 13 - 07:50 PM
Edthefolkie 09 Jan 13 - 06:35 AM
GUEST,Peter McConnell 06 May 13 - 01:46 AM
Jim McLean 06 May 13 - 03:51 AM
GUEST,Guest Graham 30 Dec 13 - 07:37 AM
Don Firth 30 Dec 13 - 09:49 PM
Gurney 31 Dec 13 - 12:54 AM
GUEST,Dani 31 Dec 13 - 08:41 AM
JohnInKansas 31 Dec 13 - 08:13 PM
Peter the Squeezer 01 Jan 14 - 04:35 AM
GUEST,Ackers 25 Feb 15 - 03:20 PM
GUEST,Bill S in Adelaide 25 Feb 15 - 09:42 PM
Scabby Douglas 26 Feb 15 - 06:56 AM
GUEST,Sandy 26 Feb 15 - 07:16 AM
Joe_F 26 Feb 15 - 06:25 PM
Leadfingers 26 Feb 15 - 07:19 PM
GUEST,Les. Bouchier. 04 Sep 15 - 05:39 PM
Joe_F 04 Sep 15 - 06:11 PM
GUEST,padgett 04 Sep 15 - 06:31 PM
GUEST,Don Day 05 Sep 15 - 11:09 AM
Snuffy 05 Sep 15 - 02:36 PM
LadyJean 05 Sep 15 - 10:39 PM
MGM·Lion 05 Sep 15 - 11:34 PM
GUEST,alan b 30 Jan 17 - 04:08 PM
AllisonA(Animaterra) 31 Jan 17 - 07:59 AM
GUEST,DuncanM 17 Mar 17 - 10:26 AM
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Subject: Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain
From: Dave Hunt
Date: 08 Mar 12 - 08:36 PM

Looking for other words to this. Some start 'Gentlemen should please refrain....(my wife remembers only part of that one!)
.
The one I know is

When the train is in the station , please refrain from urination
Have respect for Railway property
If you really must pass water, go and find a Railway porter
He'll direct you to the lavatory

And just had this from my friend John Wright in France

Passengers will please refrain from copulating on the train
While standing on the platform here at Crewe
Please restrain this natural function 'till we get to Clapham Junction
Where you'll find there's f**k all else to do

Splendid!

There must be many more versions - please share them with me to add to my collection of 'Parodies and Silly Songs'....my friend Baz Parkes once described me as having ' A head full of shite' !! Fine by me.....

Thanks Dave


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain
From: Leadfingers
Date: 09 Mar 12 - 04:37 AM

Two sets of Lyrics in D T as 'Humouresqe' and a HEAP of stuff in the forum if you throw the opening line into the search box .


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain
From: John MacKenzie
Date: 09 Mar 12 - 05:12 AM

Newly weds within the carriage
Please don't consummate your marriage,
While the train is standing here at Crewe
Please restrain Etc etc.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 09 Mar 12 - 07:20 AM

Passengers will please refrain from copulating on the train
While standing on the platform here at Crewe
Please restrain this natural function 'till we get to Clapham Junction
Where you'll find there's f**k all else to do


I find those lyrics somewhat confusing. I've had to break my journey at Crewe numerous times. I can hardly believe that there is less to do at Clapham Junction than at Crewe! (unless you're an avid trainspotter!)


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain
From: GUEST,trevor
Date: 02 Jul 12 - 07:11 AM

Gentlemen should please refrain,
From urinating when the train,
Is standing at the station to re-fuel.
If you have to pass your water,
You should ask a passing porter,
Where the loo is so that you can go.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain
From: C Stuart Cook
Date: 02 Jul 12 - 07:25 AM

Passengers should please refrain
from urinating whilst the train
is standing in the station here at Crewe.
For railway workers underneath
get it in their hair and teeth
They don't it and nor I think would you


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 02 Jul 12 - 07:29 AM

Two of my friends at Cambridge came up with, I think, a verse original to them, to the Humoresque tune but with a verse-end trope, as follows:

Please refrain from masturbating
While the train's in station waiting;
Spunk may fall upon the man beneath
~~~~ Plate-laying!

~Michael~


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain
From: GUEST
Date: 10 Jul 12 - 08:01 PM

Gentlemen should please refrain
From flushing toilets while the train
Is standing in the station for a while.
We encourage contemplation
While the train is in the station,
Cross your legs and grit your teeth and smile.

If you wish to pass some water
You should sing out for a porter
Who will place a basin in the bog;
Tramps and hoboes undeneath
Get it in the eye and teeth,
But that's what comes from being underdog.

Drinking while the train is moving
Is another way of proving,
That control of eye and hand is sure;
We like our clients to be neat,
So please don't wet upon the seat,
Or, even worse, don't splash upon the floor.

If the Ladies' Room be taken,
do not feel the least forsaken,
Never show the sign of sad defeat,
Try the Gents across the hall,
and if some man has felt the call
He'll courteously relinquish you his seat.

If these efforts are in vain,
then simply break the window pane,
This novel method's used by very few,
We go strolling through the park,
a-goosing statues in the dark
If Peter Pan can take it, why can't you?


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain
From: GUEST,Sharon
Date: 10 Nov 12 - 01:30 AM

My Dad who went to University in the 1950's in Sydney (Australia) had this version:

Passengers will please refrain
From passing water while the train
Is standing in the station or at rest
We encourage constipation
While the train is at the station
Passengers will please do their best

He also had a Latin Mass parody which began:

I can play dominoes better than you can
(response) No-oo you can't

Does anyone know the rest of that one?


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain
From: GUEST
Date: 08 Jan 13 - 05:19 PM

The verse I first heard was:

Gentlemen will please refrain
From flushing toilets while the train
Is standing in the station. We love you!
We encourage constipation;
Sherman marched across the Nation.
If Sherman's horse could hold it, you can too.

May I submit this elaboration?:

Gentlemen should try quite hard
To keep their streams within the yard.
Please aim them at the inside of the pot.
There's no need for melodrama,
But the janitor is not your mama.
If you leave marks, a marksman you are not.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain
From: GUEST,Seonaid
Date: 08 Jan 13 - 07:27 PM

Second verse, from an old Bristol trucker:

If the train is stationary,
And you have to go quite heavy,
Do not drop your load upon the train!
To the station you must wander,
And a penny you must squander;
Then relieve yourself with might and main.

Re posting by previous Guest:
Your 2nd verse reminds me of an old loo sign:
"We aim to please -- you aim, too, please!"


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain
From: Don Firth
Date: 08 Jan 13 - 07:50 PM

As the song progresses,
My favorite pasttime after dark
Is goosing statues in the park;
If Sherman's horse can take it, why can't you?
Washington was very firm,
And Lincoln didn't even squirm.
Darling, that's why I'm in love with you.
For some reason, the name "Oscar Brand" springs to mind.

Don Firth


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain
From: Edthefolkie
Date: 09 Jan 13 - 06:35 AM

The Folk Process must have created the streamlined version I heard at school. The tune we used was The Policeman's Song from "The Pirates Of Penzance". So much for music lessons.

Please refrain from urination
While the train is in the station
Other people would not like it, nor would you;
Railway workers underneath
Get it in their hair and teeth
Other people would not like it, nor would you.

Warning: Do NOT attempt to sing this ditty as it will stay with you for life, and drive you mad.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain
From: GUEST,Peter McConnell
Date: 06 May 13 - 01:46 AM

Another verse for you:

Ever since I've had your daughter I've had trouble passing water,
Kindly make your daughter stay at home.
Bugger going out late at night
for to view the city lights,
and leaving footprints on the dashboard upside down.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain
From: Jim McLean
Date: 06 May 13 - 03:51 AM

In a boat it disnae matter, fur it a' goes in the watter ......

Just a part of a refrain I remember from a long time ago.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain
From: GUEST,Guest Graham
Date: 30 Dec 13 - 07:37 AM

If you lift the lid,
You'll be fined five quid,
and put upon probation,
So, don't use the WC while the train is standing in the station,

If you've got to go,
Then you've got to go,
Before you reach your destination,
So, don't use etc ...


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain
From: Don Firth
Date: 30 Dec 13 - 09:49 PM

Oscar Brand's book--and a series of eight records:

Bawdy Songs and Backroom Ballads.

The songs are slightly bowdlerized, but it doesn't take much imagination to restore them to their really raunchy versions.

Even as Brand does them, they are not what you could call mild, and definitely not suitable for singing in church. . . .

Don Firth

P. S.
He was dirty and lousy and full of fleas,
And he had his women by twos and threes;
God bless the bastard king of Eng-o-land!


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain
From: Gurney
Date: 31 Dec 13 - 12:54 AM

From Jerry Siverman's book: Music by Dvorak. Words no-one admits it.

Passengers will please refrain from using toilets while the train is standing in the station. I love you,
Therefore we urge constipation when the train is in the station. If the train can't go, then why should you.

My favourite pastime after dark is goosing statues in the park,
If Sherman's horse can take it, why can't you?
I'm the guy who did mthe pushin', put the stains upon the cushion, footprints on the dashboard upside down.

When you have a natural urge, or after you have had a purge,
the management request you learn the art
of using roses, or wisteria, between the parts of your posterior.
Guaranteed to camouflage a fart!

When you have to pass some water do it in the place you oughter,
Please don't use my hat, and be a pal,
Picture, please, your consternation, and your righteous indignation
if you found your hat a urinal.

Nothing looks much better than a girl who wears a sweater
though she may not be as big as she appears.
Remember, boys, before you wed 'er, best investigate that sweater
or your wedding night may end in tears.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain
From: GUEST,Dani
Date: 31 Dec 13 - 08:41 AM

For the first time EVER, Steve Goodman's lyrics to the City of New Orleans make SENSE!

Thank you!

Dani


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain
From: JohnInKansas
Date: 31 Dec 13 - 08:13 PM

Minor variants rom a book I don't seem able to locate at the moment:

Passengers will pleas refrain
From using toilets while the train
Is standing in the station,
We thank You.

Constipation's recommended
While the train is being tended.
If the train can't go
Then why should you.

AND

Nothing looks much better
Than a young girl in a sweater
But the sweater may not be
What it a appears.

Boys, it's recommended
That you see what's IN THE SWEATER
Or your wedding night
Might end in bitter tears.

John


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 01 Jan 14 - 04:35 AM

On a different (but related) matter -

I once heard a cinema organist playing two tunes at the same time - the Dvorak one used for this song, and Stephen Foster's "Old Folks at Home" (Way down upon the Swannee river ...).

Quite some feat - but they certainly do fit together.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain
From: GUEST,Ackers
Date: 25 Feb 15 - 03:20 PM

Gentlemen will please refrain from passing water while the train
Is standing in the station that means you oo
Workers on the track beneath receive it in the face and teeth
And they don't like it no and nor would you

Ladies wishing to pass water please inform the station porter
Who will place a bucket there was in view oo
While the train is in the station we encourage constipation
If the train can't go then why should you


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain
From: GUEST,Bill S in Adelaide
Date: 25 Feb 15 - 09:42 PM

Read this and the "when the train is at the station" similar thread with a wry smile.
When we were working on the line and stood clear to allow a train to pass, it was not uncommon to see the train with a mist spray, so we got well clear if we saw it, not always possible. Direct discharge not only coated the staff on the line but the sides of the coaches, another reason not to lean out of the window.
Using the loo at the station resulted in an unpleasant working environment, to put it politely. We were one of the few workplaces where customers could crap on the floor.
In the days of guards vans, there were no loos, so they would go on a newspaper and throw it out, in a tunnel if there was one. There are tales of people working in the tunnel copping this output. It didn't make working in tunnels any more pleasant.
On the other thread is a query about peeing on the live rail. This happened on a number of occasions in the non-gangwayed 6 facing 6 with opening windows where the temptation to go out of the window to relieve bladder pressure resulted in a nasty injury and probable removal from the gene pool.
I believe all UK trains have retention loos though some heritage lines may not. Certainly in Europe and Asia the very direct discharge is still prevalent, where you can look down and see the track,


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain
From: Scabby Douglas
Date: 26 Feb 15 - 06:56 AM

The Scottish version I learned (following on from Jim McLean's fragment):

Passengers will please refrain
From passing water while the train
Is standing in the station
(We thank you)
On a boat it disnae matter
Everythin goes in the watter
This applies to lady users too.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain
From: GUEST,Sandy
Date: 26 Feb 15 - 07:16 AM

I know this lyric as a round:

Passengers will please refrain from
flushing the toilet while the
train is in the station standing
Darling I love you


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain
From: Joe_F
Date: 26 Feb 15 - 06:25 PM

I am highly skeptical of stories about dire consequences of relieving oneself on an electrified rail. (One of them goes back to the 18th century -- it is said that Benjamin Franklin deterred the patrons of a neighboring tavern by coating the wall of his shop with foil & electrifying it with a Leyden jar.) Casual observation suggests that the stream would have broken up into drops long before it hit the conductor.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain
From: Leadfingers
Date: 26 Feb 15 - 07:19 PM

Some extra verses :-

In the carriage there's a chain , if you pull it it stops the train
There's a twenty five pound fine if you're unwise
So ladies if you're being molested , wait until you've been divested
Its not worth five fivers otherwise

Gentlemen , please be discreet - When using the toilet lift the seat
The rocking motion may make you miss the pan
And lady passengers following on might get it on their sit upon
'Cos they cant stand and wee wee like a man

Passengers will please refrain from dropping dog ends down the drain
Really now , you know that isn't right
For railway workers passing by may try to smoke them, on the sly
And soggy dog ends are so hard to light


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain
From: GUEST,Les. Bouchier.
Date: 04 Sep 15 - 05:39 PM

All very funny enjoyed all your post I first heard these on an old rugby songs LP. When Classic FM is on the radio and they play "that" music I always sing those words!


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain
From: Joe_F
Date: 04 Sep 15 - 06:11 PM

Prostitutes and pretty ladies
Douche to keep from having babies.
How do you like the way I part my hair?


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain
From: GUEST,padgett
Date: 04 Sep 15 - 06:31 PM

Very old sign in Barnsley Market circa 1960

Gentlemen are respectfully requested to refrain from expectorating

Ray


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain
From: GUEST,Don Day
Date: 05 Sep 15 - 11:09 AM

Don Firth alluded to;

"Now the Minstrels sing of an English King of many long years ago
Who ruled the land with an iron hand though his followers were weak and low.
His only outer garment was a dirty yellow shirt
With which he tried to hide his hide, but he couldn't hide the dirt.

Ch. He was dirty lousy full of fleas but he had his women by twos and threes
God bless the bastard King of England.

Now this one rings a bell! Want the rest?

Don Day


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain
From: Snuffy
Date: 05 Sep 15 - 02:36 PM

We've already got it here at Mudcat THE BASTARD KING OF ENGLAND

But if you have any other verses, they'd be most welcome


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain
From: LadyJean
Date: 05 Sep 15 - 10:39 PM

My mother sang

Passengers will please refrain
From flushing toilets while the train
Is standing in the station, I love you.

She taught it to us while on a train trip, during which we saw such a sign in the train's restroom.

Mom, who was, by the way, nearly always a perfect lady, also claimed to have seen a sign in a rest room that said:

When using our john, please dont't stand on the seat.
Our crabs can jump up to 18 feet.


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 05 Sep 15 - 11:34 PM

I suspect it might have been a graffito rather than an official sign that Lady J's mother saw.

≈M≈


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain
From: GUEST,alan b
Date: 30 Jan 17 - 04:08 PM

Will gentlemen please refrain from urinating on the train while standing in the station La La la i to find myself singing it to CLASSIC FM when the music is played


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain
From: AllisonA(Animaterra)
Date: 31 Jan 17 - 07:59 AM

This is great. The version my mother sang to me is a mashup of several others posted above:

Passengers will please refrain
From flushing toilets while the train
Is standing in the station, I love you.
People standing underneath
Would get it in their hair and teeth
And others wouldn't do it, why should you?


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Subject: RE: Lyr Req: Gentlemen should please refrain
From: GUEST,DuncanM
Date: 17 Mar 17 - 10:26 AM

Here's my version

Gentlemen should please refrain
From urinating on the train
While standing at the station. Never pooh
Just pinch it in. Try to relax
'cause what you pass falls on the tracks
Why else d'you think they named it Waterloo


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