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Patronising jokes about Americans

kendall 04 Nov 99 - 07:09 PM
Texas Toot 04 Nov 99 - 01:47 PM
Alice 24 Oct 99 - 01:41 PM
wildlone 24 Oct 99 - 12:51 PM
Alice 24 Oct 99 - 12:23 PM
Alice 24 Oct 99 - 11:47 AM
Jeri 24 Oct 99 - 09:28 AM
katlaughing 24 Oct 99 - 09:24 AM
wildlone 24 Oct 99 - 07:14 AM
Penny S. 24 Oct 99 - 07:06 AM
wildlone 24 Oct 99 - 06:29 AM
24 Oct 99 - 12:42 AM
katlaughing 24 Oct 99 - 12:29 AM
kendall 24 Oct 99 - 12:27 AM
ms. mark 24 Oct 99 - 12:03 AM
ms. mark 24 Oct 99 - 12:02 AM
ms. mark 23 Oct 99 - 11:56 PM
Jeri 23 Oct 99 - 10:32 PM
wildlone 23 Oct 99 - 08:26 PM
jon a 23 Oct 99 - 06:28 PM
Gint 23 Oct 99 - 05:29 PM
Melbert 23 Oct 99 - 03:33 PM
Ferret 23 Oct 99 - 03:01 PM
kendall 23 Oct 99 - 02:28 PM
Clifton53 22 Oct 99 - 12:56 AM
Jeri 21 Oct 99 - 09:48 PM
kendall 21 Oct 99 - 09:43 PM
McGrath of Harlow 21 Oct 99 - 08:46 PM
Gint 21 Oct 99 - 08:12 PM
Gint 21 Oct 99 - 08:05 PM
Jeri 21 Oct 99 - 07:51 PM
Jerry Friedman 21 Oct 99 - 07:47 PM
Big Mick 21 Oct 99 - 07:32 PM
kendall 21 Oct 99 - 07:29 PM
kendall 21 Oct 99 - 07:27 PM
Jeri 21 Oct 99 - 07:17 PM
M 21 Oct 99 - 06:24 PM
Jeri 21 Oct 99 - 05:02 PM
catspaw49 21 Oct 99 - 03:25 PM
Ferret 21 Oct 99 - 03:23 PM
Blackcat 21 Oct 99 - 03:08 PM
Clifton53 21 Oct 99 - 02:09 PM
Gint 21 Oct 99 - 01:21 PM
catspaw49 21 Oct 99 - 01:17 PM
steve in ottawa 21 Oct 99 - 12:41 PM
Melbert 21 Oct 99 - 12:26 PM
Alice 21 Oct 99 - 11:36 AM
Bert 21 Oct 99 - 11:30 AM
Fortunato 21 Oct 99 - 11:28 AM
Alice 21 Oct 99 - 11:26 AM
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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: kendall
Date: 04 Nov 99 - 07:09 PM

When that Texan came to Maine, he saw the biggest warehouse in the state, and remarked "Hell we got out houses in Texas bigger than that!" Mainer says "Well, I guess prob'ly you need um."


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Texas Toot
Date: 04 Nov 99 - 01:47 PM

The Texan

A Texan lands in Sydney, and is picked up by a taxi.

After requesting a tour of the city, he starts into a tirade about the small town airport and how in Texas they have larger runways on their ranches...

They are soon crossing the Sydney Harbor bridge, and the man is further unimpressed -

"I have a duck pond bigger than that harbor, and an ornamental bridge to span it that makes this look like a toy".

The Sydney-Newcastle expressway also gets his scorn

"Is this a road, or a track?"

So when a kangaroo jumped out in front of the cab, causing the sudden and severe application of the brakes, the driver couldn't help himself -

"Stupid grass hoppers!"


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Alice
Date: 24 Oct 99 - 01:41 PM

Wildlone, although the subject is not really music, I don't know if the prefix BS is appropriate for the serious subject of honoring the historic experiences of our parents and ancestors. A thread title perhaps along the lines of "True family stories of world events" might be workable. I'm sure you can come up with an appropriate thread title.


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: wildlone
Date: 24 Oct 99 - 12:51 PM

Alice, yes this is getting to be a long thread.
What usualy happens is that I am at the "Cat" I show mother something in one of the threads that reminds her of something that happened to her and I send it in, the only other thing is to start a new thread next time.
What do you think? .wl.


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Alice
Date: 24 Oct 99 - 12:23 PM

****Ven Two Minnesootins Meet Oop Nort On Da Lake Fichen! (translation= When two Minnesotans meet up North on the lake, fishing!)

"Haydair."
"Lobuddy"
"Benearlong?"
"Coplhours."
"Crieps, cetchenenny?"
"Yepgoddafew"
"Vairdaybittn?"
"Oberdair"
"Kindarday?"
"Valleyeennordern."
"Ennysiztooum?"
"Cuplapowns."
"Oofda, bittenard?"
"yanohowdeyar."
"Vahchaoozin? Dalindyrik?"
"Ohyeahdonchano."
"Fichenondaboddum?"
"Rydoopneardaboddum."
"Howdeeperya?"
"Bouttvenyfeet."
"Oh, Vachadrinkin?"
"Hadacouplabeers."
"Velligoddago."
"Tubad."
"Seeyaround."
"Yeahtakideeze."
"Guluk."
"Yoobetcha."
Da Ent!!!
IF YOU WERE ABLE TO READ THIS YOU ARE A TRUE MINNESOOTIN!


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Alice
Date: 24 Oct 99 - 11:47 AM

Wildone, your stories of your mom deserve a more dignified (and easier to load) thread. I wish I had been able to tape my grandparents, parents, and uncles before they passed away.

In the vein of more jabs at US follies......

Bill and Hillary are out driving in the country near

Hillary`s hometown. They are low on fuel, so Bill pulls

into a gas station for a fill-up. The attendant comes out

and begins to pump gas into the 'First Couple's' tank. As he

is doing this, he looks into the passenger window. "Hey,

Hillary. We used to date in high school, do you remember

me?," he asks. They chat for a few minutes, Bill pays, and

the first couple leaves.

As they drive Bill is feeling very proud of himself and looks over at Hillary. "You used to date that guy? Just think

what it would be like if you had married him!," he says smugly.

Hillary looks at Bill and shrugs. Then she replies, "Well,

I guess you'd be pumping gas and he would be the President."

----

LOOK OUT FOR THE FOLLOWING VIRUSES!.....in addition to Melissa......

LEWINSKY VIRUS:
Sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e-mails everyone about what it did.

RONALD REAGAN VIRUS:
Saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.

MIKE TYSON VIRUS:
Quits after two bytes.

OPRAH WINFREY VIRUS:
Your 300 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to 200 MB.

DR. JACK KEVORKIAN VIRUS:
Deletes all old files.

TITANIC VIRUS (A strain of the LEWINSKY virus):
Your whole computer goes down.

DISNEY VIRUS:
Everything in your computer goes GOOFY.

PROZAC VIRUS:
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn't care.

JOEY BUTTAFUOCO VIRUS:
Only attacks minor files.

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER VIRUS:
Terminates zome viles, leaves, but it vill be baaack.

LORENA BOBBIT VIRUS:
Reformats your hard drive into a 3.5-inch floppy then discards it through Windows.

VIAGRA VIRUS:
Makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.

CLINTON VIRUS:
Gives you a 7-inch hard drive with no memory.


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Jeri
Date: 24 Oct 99 - 09:28 AM

I have a book somewhere that was written by a friend of my Mom's who was a nurse in WWII, "Helmets and Lipstick." I've got to go find out what box it's in! (I put it someplace "safe," meaning it may take me a couple years to find it.)


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: katlaughing
Date: 24 Oct 99 - 09:24 AM

Wl, thank you so much for sharing that info with us on your mom. She must've been very gutsy and a sounds as though she is a lot of fun; plus she's got one hell of a son! PennyS, is right. Get as much of it down as you can. I will never heard my mom sing again and I really wish I had a tape of her doing so.

luvyaKat


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: wildlone
Date: 24 Oct 99 - 07:14 AM

A Story from Mother.
Just after the war finished and things were getting back to normal my Mother and three comrades were given leave.
One of the girls parents owned a Norfolk Wherry That had been out of the water for the duration of the war,so it was decided that they would use the leave sailing the Broads getting the craft plimbed.
Obviously being nice good girls alchohol came into it and they would tie up for the night near a pub.
They were in a pub one night when a Group of American servicemen came in, as the girls were in uniform {battledress jackets, trousers, boots and gaiters}the Americans asked why they were there.
Mother being in a jokey mood said we are looking for mines and with the help from the locals had these men believing that the Germans had laid mines in the Norfolk Broads and they were blowing them up.
So when the chance come to extract the urine from the stranger take it.
wildloneandhismum


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Penny S.
Date: 24 Oct 99 - 07:06 AM

Wildlone, make notes if you can't get her to tape those stories, as soon as possible after each occasion when she tells you one. I didn't, and I regret it.

Penny


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: wildlone
Date: 24 Oct 99 - 06:29 AM

yes Jeri She was a nurse She is also my Mother.
Born in 1926 if She could be persuaded to one day get Her memories down on tape it would be interesting.
thank you for asking wl.


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From:
Date: 24 Oct 99 - 12:42 AM

the Us of A is full of regional jokes, the same classist or town vs. country stuff you probably get all over the world as someone pointed out earlier. There's the whole line of "you might be a redneck if..." jokes that've made comedian Jeff Foxworthy a celeb of sorts. Usually those are directed at people in the Southeast states. The southerners have finally come up with a retort or two:

You might be a Yankee if....

1) You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."

Two or more generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.

3) You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.

4) You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.

5) You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.

6) You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.

7) Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them are women.

8) You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.

9) For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.

10) None of your fur coats are homemade. >11) You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.

12) You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.

13) You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.

14) You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.

15) The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.

16) Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.

17) You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.

18) The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman Marcus.

19) You call binoculars opera glasses.

20) You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: katlaughing
Date: 24 Oct 99 - 12:29 AM

Wildlone, it is an honour to have you among us. Thank you.

Yes, Jon, you've got that right about the politics and me. I've written several published articles about the now blurred line between public and private life.

Also, while there are some good programs on American tv, we do mostly tune into BBC America, although, I don't think our trash is any worse than some of your lowbrow stuff! I don't watch it, either!

kat


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: kendall
Date: 24 Oct 99 - 12:27 AM

My God now I know how Dr. Frankenstien must have felt!!


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: ms. mark
Date: 24 Oct 99 - 12:03 AM

oops, duh, I just noticed my own illiterate spelling of the poor guy's name in the above post... leave it up to an American to joke about some other nationality and then get the names wrong...


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: ms. mark
Date: 24 Oct 99 - 12:02 AM

oops, duh, I just noticed my own illiterate spelling of the poor guy's name in the above post... leave it up to an American to joke about some other nationality and then get the names wrong...


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: ms. mark
Date: 23 Oct 99 - 11:56 PM

Q:what's the difference between the Rolling Stones and a Scotsman? A: The Rolling Stones say 'Hey, you, get off of my cloud The Scotsman says 'Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe'


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Jeri
Date: 23 Oct 99 - 10:32 PM

She sounds fascinating (a nurse?) - I'd be interested to hear more, wildlone.


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: wildlone
Date: 23 Oct 99 - 08:26 PM

you may joke or even get annoyed about WWII but for at least one person who uses the "Cat" it is not history She was there.
She got her jump wings.
She was wounded.
She was shot at in Germany whilst working trying to break the penicillin racket {plot used in the film the third man.
She was even one of the first Women in Bergen-Belsen after it was liberated.
sorry to have gone on like this I just wanted to say it.
your friend wildlone.


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: jon a
Date: 23 Oct 99 - 06:28 PM

The fact that Jerry Springer is British may perhaps be the biggest joke at the expense of Americans ever, after all, they do pay for him that sewerage that they broadcast all over the known universe.

Katlaughing, I see from your admission of having voted for Bill Clinton, that you also have climbed to a higher awareness; and worked out that most politicians are asking not what they can do for their country but what their country can do for their (and their friend's) pocket's. I agree that they are mostly all as good or as bad as each other.(and anyway, what has someones sex life, or for that matter sexual preferences, got to do with them doing their job?).

Alice, I love the list, thanks for posting it!.

One thing that is obvious from the U.S. Television programmes that we get over here, it takes very little to amuse and entertain an American. ....................... .... Unless of course the jokes on those who buy it for release over here!!!!!

Cheers All

Jon


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Gint
Date: 23 Oct 99 - 05:29 PM

That's no leisure centre that's Baaahbra the farmers friend


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Melbert
Date: 23 Oct 99 - 03:33 PM

The Welsh are as bad. I was with a taffy the other day when we passed a field with a flock of sheep. He said "ooh look! A leisure centre!".


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Ferret
Date: 23 Oct 99 - 03:01 PM

kendell that was BBBAAAAAAAAAAAAARD


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: kendall
Date: 23 Oct 99 - 02:28 PM

OK now, how about patronizing jokes about..say.. Belgians?? Icelanders? Australians? thats it!! When I was in Scotland, a guy told me that Australia had developed a "Safe Sex" program. They are marking the sheep that kick!. running for cover.lmao


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Clifton53
Date: 22 Oct 99 - 12:56 AM

Nae laddie, I canna blay toast out me arse, but I "av seen it dun, and it weren't here in the colonies!


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Jeri
Date: 21 Oct 99 - 09:48 PM

I'm listed in bbc's Mudcat Resources, or you can just Click Here


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: kendall
Date: 21 Oct 99 - 09:43 PM

Jeri, what's your e mail address?


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 21 Oct 99 - 08:46 PM

There was the fella that came back from a trip to America. "You know they've got it all wrong about the Americans - they say they're brash and loud and vulgar and arrogant and that.

"But it's not at all like that, when you get to know the real Americans - they're the most sensitive and dignified people you could find anywhere.

"That's the real Americans. Mind you there's a lot of these fellas who went over there from Europe in the last few hundred years, and it's a bit of a different story with them."


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Gint
Date: 21 Oct 99 - 08:12 PM

ok I missed out the word cloned, try this

On sheep shagging,it's interesting to note that the first sheep cloned "Dolly" was done by a Scotsman


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Gint
Date: 21 Oct 99 - 08:05 PM

On sheep shagging,it's interesting to note that the first sheep "Dolly" was done by a Scotsman


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Jeri
Date: 21 Oct 99 - 07:51 PM

Ouch! (I haven't lived here long enough to think of an appropriate comeback.)


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Jerry Friedman
Date: 21 Oct 99 - 07:47 PM

Pobre México, tan lejos de Dios, tan cerca a los Estados Unidos.

--Porfirio Díaz, dictator of Mexico for thirty years.

("Poor Mexico, so far from God, so close to the United States." This may be the original of Barbara's joke about God and the Archangel Michael.)

Gint asked how you can trust someone who spends millions to be president, a job that only pays thousands. Gint, they don't spend their money. (Unless they happened to be named Forbes.) The ability to spend large amounts of other people's money is exactly what we're looking for.

Bedlam, I think Tom Lehrer gets credit for that song about Ted Kennedy.


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Big Mick
Date: 21 Oct 99 - 07:32 PM

That Pastie gag was absolutely a riot!!! Great one, Ferret.

Mick


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: kendall
Date: 21 Oct 99 - 07:29 PM

Actually, there is one thing that New Hampshire has that neither Maine nor Vermont has...good neighbors.(New Brunswick doesn't count)


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: kendall
Date: 21 Oct 99 - 07:27 PM

you can run but you cant hide..


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Jeri
Date: 21 Oct 99 - 07:17 PM

It could have been Maine's, but when the motto people asked what ours would be, the NH rep got the whole thing out in less than five minutes. I think the guy from Maine is still working on the word "go."

Jeri (running, ducking and dodging)


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: M
Date: 21 Oct 99 - 06:24 PM

Jeri--I thought that was Maine's motto.


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Jeri
Date: 21 Oct 99 - 05:02 PM

Maybe I've moved past thick-skinned to callous, I don't know. If there's a contest to see who gets pissed off at a joke first, I rarely lose.

Alice, the New Hampshire state motto should be:
"Spend All Your Money Here, Then Go Away and Leave Us Alone."


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: catspaw49
Date: 21 Oct 99 - 03:25 PM

Well personally, I always have gas with beans. 'Course that's just me, if you can blow out a slice of toast, more power to you.

Spaw


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Ferret
Date: 21 Oct 99 - 03:23 PM

Now who said that Americans were thick skinned and could not be easily wound up? Wrong. Got you!

Lamarca. Here, here.

As for Jerry springer, in an interview I herd with him he said that the saddest thing about his program was the people that watch it. As for US aid to the UK we were still paying the bill for it years later.[It was not Free help] And we left our dead in Burma and the rest of the Pacific as well.

Gint As I am the one out of us that is dyslexic you ought to no better than to get Tintagel wrong.

And the fall story of the Cornish pastes was.

A friend of mine, Dave xxxxx [to protect the guilty] was asked what all the holes in the walls of Tintagel castle were. [Where the scaffolding went] So Dave never missing an opportunity to wined some one up said.

D] Have you not heard of the famous Cornish pastes.

A] Yes said the American.

D] Well that is where they nest at night.

A] Where can I see them.

D] In the daytime they are at sea but wen they cum back to there nest's at dusk you get a hell of a fight with the sea gulls.

A] Can I get in to the castle to take some pix of this.

D] Well you will have to go to the English heritage warden of the castle and arks.

Well off he went, the next day the warden came up to Dave and said why did you send that American to me with that story of the pasty's

It seemed like it would be good for a lark, did you tell him.

No said the warden, I sold him a ticket for £25.00 to sit in the castle all night.

D] Well don't tell me off then for winding him up.

Now I don't want to sagest that all Americans are gullible, but some American are. And I do not think it was right to take the man's money no mater how gullible.

But that is the whole story.

I was on the cliffs at Dover [the white cliffs] working all one summer [so not for long. It was an English summer] and I had an American asked if I would tell him where he could see the blue birds and it was difficult to get him to understand that the nearest blue birds were 3000/5000 miles west of here.

I had a German ask why all of the gunimplements were there on the cliffs pointing out to sea. Well what can you say to that? They were to blow the s**t out of your county men, no I think not. So I gust said I don't know.

No Americans are easy to wind up but the Irish are the easiest but that hurt's.

The chat show with the US as a lake is the Jeramy Clarkson show it is good, and he has a go at every body. And if it were not for you Americans we would have had a lot less dead in the gulf. Not so much the man on the ground, but the 'blind' trust in Hi Tec.

All the best ferret


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Blackcat
Date: 21 Oct 99 - 03:08 PM

Sorry there Clifton, beans go in chili!


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Clifton53
Date: 21 Oct 99 - 02:09 PM

Beans on toast??? Blimey!!! Beans goes with hot dogs!!


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Gint
Date: 21 Oct 99 - 01:21 PM

Lonesome EJ

yes, typing too fast for my brain, due to a lack of booze


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: catspaw49
Date: 21 Oct 99 - 01:17 PM

Ya reckon sumbuddy kin sen me sum longhandle droors...Catspaw keeps askin an he sez yall are right willin to hep but I still got theez popped buttons an all.........

CLETUS


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: steve in ottawa
Date: 21 Oct 99 - 12:41 PM

Hmmm.

I'm quite surprised to hear all the defensive tones. I expected jokes like Alice's list and Cara's explanation of Canada.

What's it like being next to America? Well, believe it or not, most Canadians I know would find the following very funny:

Until a few years ago, the UN rated Japan as the best country to live in, ranking Canada second. Recently the positions reversed. A Canadian was heard to utter: Damn, those Japanese, they've stolen our second place!

Being, perhaps better educated in 1783?, the framers of the US constitution knew Canada existed. They cursed us by saying we could join the US any time we wanted to. That does strange things to a country.

Steve


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Melbert
Date: 21 Oct 99 - 12:26 PM

I like puns too! Especially the ones with cream in the middle.

Damn this duslexia!

Did you hear about the insomniac, agnostic dyslexic who stayed awake all night wodering if there really was a dog?


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Alice
Date: 21 Oct 99 - 11:36 AM

I noticed that the two threads that quickly built up many responses simultaneously are the one where we want to help the Mudcat in trouble, and this one, which triggers responses. Both touch our emotions. Sometimes its good to be able to laugh at our weaknesses, quirks, and idiosyncracies. Insults to be cruel, however, have never been humorous to me. Sarcasm has a root meaning, after all, of 'tearing the flesh'.


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Bert
Date: 21 Oct 99 - 11:30 AM

You're right Ewan McV.

We're sorry, we won't do it any more.


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Fortunato
Date: 21 Oct 99 - 11:28 AM

Lonesome EJ

I'll stick to Guiness; Amontillado can be hazardous to your health.


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Subject: RE: Patronising jokes about Americans
From: Alice
Date: 21 Oct 99 - 11:26 AM

I just noticed the unknown author forgot Wyoming:

Wyoming
Forgettable


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