BS: First Joke Thread of 2013

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Jan 14 - 01:41 PM

Happy New Year, 2014!

The end of this thread. Please join the fun and
jollity at The First Joke Thread of 2014!

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 01 Jan 14 - 10:48 AM

A day late!

So sue me!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 01 Jan 14 - 10:47 AM

"Oy, Hymie. Terrible news: the doctor says little Abie has an Oedipus Complex."

"Nu, Oedipus-Schmoedipus! What does it matter so long as he loves his mother?"

~M~

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Dec 13 - 05:08 PM

'Twas the Week After Christmas

'Twas the week after Christmas, and all through the house,
I found nothing to fit me, not even a blouse.
The cookies I'd nibble, the eggnog I'd taste,
all the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales, there arose such a number!
When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).
I remembered the marvelous meals I'd prepared...
The gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared.

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese,
and the way that I never said, "No thank you, please."
As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt,
and prepared once again to battle the dirt,

I said to myself, as I only can,
"You can't spend a winter dressed up like a man!"
So away with the last of the sour cream dip,
get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished,
until all the additional ounces have vanished.
I won't have a cookie, not even a lick.
I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or cornbread, or pie.
I'll munch on a carrot -- and quietly cry.
I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore,
but isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot,
Happy New Year to all!!!
.....and to all...a good diet!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 30 Dec 13 - 03:56 PM

Oh, be forewarned....women don't like these jokes......

         
Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick who was snoring and farting,...so I knew I made it home OK!


The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

         
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

         
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" a she likes to call it.
         

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Fuck it, soldier on!"

I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

         
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
         

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

         
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

         
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

         
I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

"No one can go back and change the beginning, but we can start a change today to write a new ending."

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Dec 13 - 08:46 AM

"Dormitory Rules"

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the
students, pointing out some of the rules.

"The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male
students, so too the male dormitory to the female students.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first
time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time
will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty
fine of $500.

"Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquired, "Err... How
much for a season pass?"

-----------------------

"The Stork"

Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby
stork. Baby stork is crying and crying, and father stork is
trying to calm him, "Don't worry, son. Your mother will
come back. She's only bringing people babies and making
them happy."

The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son
are sitting in the nest, son is crying, and mother is saying,
"Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now
he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies."

A few days later, the stork parents are desperate. Their son
is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he
returns, and the parents ask him where he's been all night.
Says the baby stork, "Nowhere in particular. Just scaring the
hell out of college students!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Dec 13 - 03:08 PM

More carols for the fruitcakes!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Dec 13 - 10:39 AM

"A Horse of a Different Color..."

The tribal wisdom of the Dakota Indians, passed on from
one generation to the next, says that when you discover
you are riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount.

However, in modern business, because of the heavy
investment factors to be taken into consideration, often other
strategies have to be tried with dead horses, including but
not limited to the following:

1. Buying a stronger whip.

2. Changing riders.

3. Threatening the horse with termination.

4. Appointing a committee to study the horse.

5. Arranging to visit other sites to see how they ride dead horses.

6. Lowering the standards so that dead horses can be included.

7. Appointing an intervention team to re-animate the dead horse.

8. Creating a training session to increase the rider's load share.

9. Re-classifying the dead horse as living-impaired.

10. Change the form so that it reads: "This horse is not dead."

11. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse.

12. Harness several dead horses together for increased
speed.

13. Donate the dead horse to a recognized charity, thereby
deducting its full original cost.

14. Providing additional funding to increase the horse's
performance.

15. Do a time management study to see if the lighter riders
would improve productivity.

16. Purchase an after-market product to make dead horses
run faster.

17. Declare that a dead horse has lower overhead and
therefore performs better.

18. Form a quality focus group to find profitable uses for
dead horses.

19. Rewrite the expected performance requirements for
horses.

20. Promote the dead horse to a supervisory position.

21. Apply for a government subsidy to retrain dead horses.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST
Date: 25 Dec 13 - 07:08 AM

refresh

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST
Date: 24 Dec 13 - 09:36 AM

If you see a fat man
Who is jolly and cute,
Wearing a beard
And a red flannel suit,
And if he is chuckling
And laughing away,
While flying around
In a miniature sleigh
With eight tiny reindeer
To pull him along,
Then let's face the fact that
Your eggnog's too strong.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Pete Jennings
Date: 24 Dec 13 - 05:44 AM

Two snowmen in a field. One says to the other, "can you smell carrots?".

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST
Date: 24 Dec 13 - 05:01 AM

refresh

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Dec 13 - 09:09 AM

Christmas Carols For Psychiatric Patients

Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personalities: We Three Queens Disoriented Are

Narcissism: Hark! The Herald Angels Sing About Me!

Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas

Paranoia: Santa Claus is Coming to Town (to Get Me)

Mania: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and Trees and....

Depression: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely

Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Going to Cry, I'm Going to Pout, Then Maybe I'll Tell You Why!

Attention Deficit Disorder: Silent night, Holy -- oooh look at the kitty! Can I have chocolate? Why is France so far away?

Obsessive Compulsive: Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell Swing, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock, Jingle Bell Rock

Bipolar Disorder: O Come, All Ye Faithful -- no, get the hell away from me.

Suicidal: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire

Alzheimer's: What Child is This?

Passive Aggressive: On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (Then Took Away...)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Dec 13 - 09:02 AM

"Christmas Q & A"

What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Snowflakes.

What do you call people who are afraid
of Santa Claus?
Claustrophobic.

Why does Santa Claus go down the
chimney on Christmas Eve?
Because it soots him.

Why does Santa have 3 gardens?
So he can ho-ho-ho.

Why was Santa's little helper depressed?
Because he had low elf esteem.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call a cat on the beach at
Christmas time?
Sandy Claus!

How do sheep in Mexico say Merry Christmas?
Fleece Navidad!

What do you get when you cross a snowman
with a vampire?
Frostbite.

What do you get if you deep fry Santa Claus?
Crisp Cringle.

How come you never hear anything about the
10th reindeer 'Olive'?
Olive?
Yeah, you know, "Olive, the other reindeer
used to laugh and call him names..."

Why do birds fly south for the winter?
Because it's too far to walk.

Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
You do all the work, and the fat guy with the
suit gets all the credit.

What is THE main reason Santa is so jolly?
Because he knows where all the naughty
girls live.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST
Date: 17 Dec 13 - 10:22 AM

A man is trapped on a desert island with a sheep and a dog. After a few months, the sheep starts looking really attractive to the man. However, whenever he approaches the sheep the dog begins to growl in a threatening manner. The man takes the dog to the opposite side of the island giving it some food as a distraction. He runs back to the sheep only to find the dog growling at him. The man ties the dog to a tree with a large leash. He goes back to the sheep only to find the dog growling with a gnawed off leash around its neck. By now, the man is getting depressed and frustrated. As he sits under a palm tree staring out to sea, a beautiful woman in a tight-fitting wet suit emerges from the surf. She asks him who he is and, taking pity upon his lonely state, asks if there's ANYTHING she could do for him. The man thinks for a moment and then responds: "Could you take the dog for a walk?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Dec 13 - 08:43 AM

"Santa? Is That You?"

The Santa Claus sat down at the department
store lunch counter and ordered a cup of coffee.
Sitting next to him was a seven year old boy.

"Do you believe in Santa Claus?" asked the weary
Saint Nick.

"No. Santa's for babies!"

"Good for you," replied Santa as he removed his
beard and proceeded to sip his coffee.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Dec 13 - 08:45 AM

"Women's English"

Yes = No.

No = Yes.

Maybe = No.

I'm sorry = You'll be sorry...

We need = I want.

It's your decision = The correct
decision should be obvious by now.

Do what ever you want = You'll pay for
this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain.

Sure go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset,
you moron!

You're so manly = You need a shave,
and you sweat a lot.

Be romantic, turn out the lights =
I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I
want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting,
and furniture, and wallpaper.

I heard a noise = I noticed you were
almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask
for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did
something today you're going to hate.

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your
shoes and find a good game on TV.

You have to learn to communicate
= Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = [Too late,
you're dead.]


-----------------------

"Men's English"

I'm hungry = I'm hungry.

I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy.

I'm tired = I'm tired.

Do you want to go to a movie? =
I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd
eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I call you sometime? = I'd
eventually like to have sex with you.

May I have this dance? = I'd
eventually like to have sex with you.

Nice dress! = Nice cle@vage!

You look tense, let me give you a
massage = I want to fondle you.

What's wrong? = What stupid self-inflicted
psychological trauma is it now?

What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight
is out of the question?

I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?

I love you = Let's have sex now!

I love you, too = Okay, I said it. Now
can we have sex?

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair
= I liked it better before.

Let's talk = I'll impress you by showing
you I am a deep guy then maybe sex?

Will you marry me? = I want to make it
illegal for you to have sex with others.

I don't think that blouse and that skirt
go well together = I'm gay.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,owl glass
Date: 04 Dec 13 - 11:23 AM

A bloke goes into an outback bar waving a revolver and shouting,
"Who's the bastard who's been sleeping with my wife?"
A voice from the shadows replies,
"You ain't got enough ammo, mate."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Dec 13 - 11:10 PM

Retired guy looking for a part-time job.

Interviewer: What would you say is your greatest fault?

Applicant: Honesty.

Interviewer: I don't think honesty is a fault.

Applicant: I don't give a fuck what you think!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,Frank
Date: 01 Dec 13 - 10:17 PM

I always thought Honeymoon Salad was

Lettuce alone without dressing.

The Bride was the Apple of my eye with a Peachy Pear.(Pair)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: frogprince
Date: 01 Dec 13 - 08:40 PM

proposition: lettuce...



...never mind....

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Van
Date: 01 Dec 13 - 06:44 PM

Religious salad: lettuce pray.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Dec 13 - 06:04 PM

Ah, yes, honeymoon salad: lettuce alone.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 01 Dec 13 - 12:16 AM

Lettuce find out!

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Bert
Date: 30 Nov 13 - 11:34 AM

How come a place with a thousand islands only has one kind of dressing?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Nov 13 - 09:27 AM

"Injured Son in Law"

A forty-year-old hillbilly carried a younger hillbilly
into the doctor's office, deposited him on the
examining table, and said, "See if you can patch
him up soon. I shot up his rear end like it was
a tail on a possum. Don't hurt him none, 'cause
he's my son-in-law."

The doctor said, "Why would you shoot your
son-in-law?"

The hillbilly said, "He warn't my son-in-law when
I shot him!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Nov 13 - 07:02 PM

If electricity always goes through the path of least resistance, how come lightning doesn't always strike in France?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 23 Nov 13 - 10:13 PM

BLIND CASHIER AT FISHERMAN'S SUPPLY STORE



A woman went to buy a rod and reel for her grandson's birthday. She didn't know which one to get, so she just grabbed one and went over to the counter. The clerk was standing behind the counter wearing dark glasses. She said to him, "Excuse me, sir. Can you tell me anything about this Rod and reel?"

He said, "Ma'am, I'm completely blind; but if you'll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes."

She didn't believe him, but dropped it on the counter anyway.

He said, "That's a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-lb test line. It's a good all-around combination, and it's on sale this week for only $20.00."

She said, "It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I'll take it!"

As she opened her purse, her credit card dropped on the floor. "Oh, that sounds like a Master Card," he said.

She bent down to pick it up and accidentally farted. At first she was really embarrassed, but then realized there was no way the blind clerk could tell it was her who tooted. Being blind, he wouldn't know that she was the only person around?

The man rang up the sale and said, "That'll be $34.50 please."

The woman was totally confused by this and asked, "Didn't you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20.00? How did you get $34.50?"

He replied, "Yes, ma'am. The rod and reel is $20.00, but the Duck Call is $11.00, and the Catfish Bait is $3.50."

She paid it and left without saying a word.

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 23 Nov 13 - 10:05 PM

Bobert's Chili Contest and slab pouring event:


They actually have a Chili Cook Off about the time Halloween comes around.
It takes up a major portion of a Bobert's proposed concrete slab.

Judge #3 was an inexperienced Chili Taster named Frank, who was visiting from Springfield, IL

Frank: "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment and I
happened to be standing there at the judge's table asking for directions to the Coors Light truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."

Here are the scorecard notes from the event:

*****************************************************
CHILI # 1 - MIKE'S MANIAC MONSTER CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.

Judge # 2 - Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 2 - AUSTIN'S AFTERBURNER CHILI..

Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.

Judge #2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.

Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 3 - FRED'S BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick.

Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.

Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting drunk from all of the beer.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC...

Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods not much of a chili.

Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it.

Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beermaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-LB woman is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
*****************************************************
CHILI # 5 LISA'S LEGAL LIP REMOVER...

Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes.

I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage.
Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off.
It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 6 - VERA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY...

Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.

Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic.
Superb!

Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I pooped on myself when I farted and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems incline d to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my rear-end with a snow cone.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about Judge # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
*****************************************************
CHILI # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILI...

Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?

Judge # 3 - No Report

Regards,

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Fergie
Date: 23 Nov 13 - 05:18 PM

Hi,
I posted this in another thread, but think it also appropriate to post it here. Don't know if it will "translate" on the other side of the pond.

An Englishman, a Scots man and an Irishman were interviewed for a radio program. The compare posed the following question. "What do each of you think is the greatest achievement of mankind?"
The English chap suggest that it was the kidney transplant. When asked to justify his choice he replied that if it wasn't for the kidney transplant his wife would be dead.
The Scot suggest that the liver transplant was his choice, because if it wasn't for the liver transplant he himself would be dead.
The Irishman ponder for a moment and said "I've listened to my fellow contributors and I understand there reasoning, but I'd like to suggest that the greatest invention ever has got to be the Venetian blind". "Why do you consider the Venetian blind to be the greatest invention of all time?" asked the perplexed interviewer. "Well just think about it" replied the Irishman "If it wasn't for the Venetian blind, it would be................................................                                                                                                      







..........................curtains for everybody"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Joe_F
Date: 20 Nov 13 - 06:36 PM

Two Englishmen were waiting in Heathrow Airport.
"I say! Isn't that the Archbishop of Canterbury over there?"
"Nothing like him."
"I'm sure of it."
"Have it your way. Go and ask him."
. . .
"Well, how did it turn out?"
"He was noncommital."
"Noncommital? How so?"
"I asked him if he was the Archbishop of Canterbury, and he told me to fuck off."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST
Date: 20 Nov 13 - 10:27 AM

One day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."

Horrified, she said, "Tarzan, you have it all wrong. I'll show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, laid down on the ground and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, "You must put it in here." Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick, right in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?" "Checking for bees!" said Tarzan.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST
Date: 20 Nov 13 - 10:05 AM

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Marine in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a coke." "No problem," said the Soldier, "I'll get it for you." While he was gone, the Marine picked up the Soldier's shoe and spit in it. When the Soldier returned with the coke, the Marine in the middle seat said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too." Again, the Soldier obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the Marine picked up the soldier's other shoe and spit in it. The Soldier returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the rest of the short flight to Houston. As the plane was landing, the Soldier slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened. "How long must this go on?" the Soldier asked. "This fighting between our services? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: GUEST
Date: 20 Nov 13 - 09:43 AM

Bad day at the course," a guy tells his wife. "Charlie had a heart attack on the third hole."

"That's terrible!" she says.

"You're telling me," the husband replies. "All day long, it was hit the ball, drag Charlie."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 20 Nov 13 - 08:50 AM

"New Game"

There was this Chinese businessman visiting
a newly acquired business in the United States.
As a gesture of good will, the executives of his
newly acquired business took him to a golf
course for a round of golf. He had never played
the game before.

Upon his return to China, his family asked what
he had done in the United States. He replied,
"Played most interesting game. Hit little white
ball with long stick in large cow pasture. Name
of game is "Oh crap!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 Nov 13 - 09:55 AM

Girls Night Out

Last night, my friends and I went to a Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress the rest of us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. When the male dancer came over to us, my friend licked the $10 bill and stuck it to his butt cheek!

Not to be outdone, another friend pulls out a $20 bill. She called the guy back, licks the $20 bill, and sticks it to his other butt cheek.

In another attempt to impress the rest of us, my third friend pulls out a $50 bill and calls the guy over, and licks the $50 bill. I'm worried about the way things are going, but fortunately, she just stuck it to one of his butt cheeks again.

My relief was short-lived.

Seeing the way things are going, the guy races over to me! Now everyone's attention is focused on me, and the guy is egging me on to try to top the $50.

My brain was churning as I reached for my wallet. What could I do?

The woman in me took over!

I got out my ATM card, swiped it down the crack of his butt, grabbed the eighty bucks, and left.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 Nov 13 - 09:16 AM

"Coma"

After a long and serious operation, Lena ended
up in a coma. Try as they might, the doctors just
couldn't bring her out of it. When her husband
Ralph came into the intensive care unit to see
her, the doctors gave him the bad news.

"We just can't wake her. It doesn't look good I'm
afraid," the doctor told Ralph in a quiet somber
voice.

Ralph looked at Lena and with a soft trembling
voice said "But doctor, she's so young. She's
only 45."

"37" came the weak reply from Lena.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Nov 13 - 09:00 AM

"Formality"

A young man said to his girlfriend's father,

"I realize that this is only a formality,...
but would you mind me marrying your
daughter?"

"Who says it's ONLY A FORMALITY?" asked
the father angrily.

"Well, her obstetrician!" replied the young man.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Andrez
Date: 11 Nov 13 - 06:24 AM

Dean, to the physics department. "Why do I always have to give you guys so much money, for laboratories and expensive equipment and stuff. Why couldn't you be like the math. department - all they need is money for pencils, paper and waste-paper baskets. Or even better, like the philosophy department. All they need are pencils and paper."

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: HuwG
Date: 10 Nov 13 - 07:31 PM

Footballer David Beckham was often unfairly mocked for his lack of verbal dexterity, it being mistaken for vapidity of lack of brain
cells.

One day, he was supposed to have turned up at Manchester United's training ground with thermos flask. "What's that Dave?" asked his team mates. "Posh got it for me. It's supposed to keep hot stuff hot and cold stuff cold" he replied. "That's clever" said his team mates. "What have you got in it?"

"A cup of tea, and an ice lolly."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Joe_F
Date: 09 Nov 13 - 08:33 PM

Andrez %^): So also, Laura Fermi (Enrico's wife) records that when the family escaped from Italy to the US, they brought a portable radio with them. One of the children admired the cleverness of "that little radio" in learning English so quickly.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Andrez
Date: 09 Nov 13 - 07:15 AM

A physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest invention of all time. The physicist chose the fire, which gave humanity the power over matter. The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle.
"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.
"Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer."
"Yes -- so what?"
"Think about it." said the mystic reverently. That little bottle -- how does it *know*?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Nov 13 - 08:51 AM

"Loose Chickens"

The farmer's son was returning from the market
with the crate of chickens his father had entrusted
to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke
open. Chickens scurried off in different directions,
but the determined boy walked all over the
neighborhood scooping up the wayward birds and
returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he
had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned
home, expecting the worst.

"Pa, the chickens got loose," the boy confessed
sadly, "but I managed to find all twelve of them."

"Well, you did real good, son," the farmer beamed.
"You left with seven."


-------


"Fair Compensation"

A motorist driving by a Texas ranch hit and
killed a calf that was crossing the road. The
driver went to the owner of the calf and
explained what had happened. He then
asked what the animal was worth.

"Oh, about $200 today," said the rancher.
"But in six years it would have been worth
$900. So $900 is what I'm out."

The motorist sat down and wrote out a check
and handed it to the farmer.

"Here," he said, "is the check for $900. It's
postdated six years from now."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 31 Oct 13 - 09:02 AM

"Has Anyone Ever Told You..."

After the Halloween party, as the couple
was driving home, the woman asks her
husband, "Honey, has anyone ever told
you how handsome, sexy and irresistible
to women you are?"

The flattered husband said, "No, dear,
they haven't."

The wife then softly inquired, "Then what
the heck gave you that idea at the
party tonight?"

----------------

"Why Pumpkins Are Better Than Men"

1. Every year you get a brand new crop
to choose from.
2. No matter what your mood is, pumpkins
are always ready to greet you with a smile.
3. One usually makes a better pie.
4. They are always on the doorstep there
waiting for you!
5. If you don't like the way he looks, you just
carve up another face.
6. If he starts smelling up your place, you
can just throw him out.
7. From the start you know a pumpkin has
an empty, mush filled head to begin with.
8. A pumpkin is turned on (lit-up) only when
you want him to be.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Oct 13 - 09:17 AM

"Oil Change Instructions For Women"

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage
reaches 3000 since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, pay with a credit card
and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.

Money spent:
$25.00 for oil change
$2.00 for coffee
Total = $27.00

------------

"Oil Change Instructions For Men"

1) Go to auto parts store and pay with a
credit card for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter,
hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full.
Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle,
dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for
jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil
on you in process.
12) Clean up mess.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and
twist off.
16) Beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with
him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from
underneath car.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a
thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole
in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on
the floor.
30) Drink beer.
31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and
bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floor boards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because
wrench hit Miss December (2002) in the left boob.
35) Beer.
36) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage
as required to stop blood flow.
37) Beer.
38) Beer.
39) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
40) Beer.
41) Lower car from jack stands.
42) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
43) Move car back to apply more kitty litter
to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
44) Beer.
45) Test drive car.
46) Get pulled over: arrested for driving
under the influence.
47) Car gets impounded.
48) Make bail: Get car from impound yard.

Money spent:
$50.00 parts
$65.00 beer
$75.00 replacement set of jack stands:
(hey the colors have to match!!!!)
$3,000.00 Bail
$500.00 Impound and towing fee
$3,690.00 Total

{Well, at least it's under $3,700!}

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 16 Oct 13 - 12:43 AM

The blonde went into the library, walked up to the desk, and said, "Please, I would like a double cheeseburger without onions, regular fries, and a cola with ice and lemon."

"Madam," said the library clerk looking at her in amazement, "this is a library!"

"Oh, I'm sorry," she said, dropping her voice to the faintest of whispers. "I'd like a double cheeseburger..."

~M~

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Andrez
Date: 13 Oct 13 - 06:49 AM

Q: How many conservative economists does it take to change a light bulb?

A1: None. If the government would just leave it alone, it would screw itself in.
A2: None, because, look! It's getting brighter! It's definitely getting brighter!
A3: None, they're all waiting for the unseen hand of the market to correct the lighting disequilibrium.

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 13 Oct 13 - 04:10 AM

Who is this Ann Doluffsen we are always being told to Bang?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Andrez
Date: 13 Oct 13 - 03:58 AM

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job. The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."
Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."
Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says, "What do you want it to equal"?

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2013
From: Joe_F
Date: 12 Oct 13 - 06:33 PM

A Frenchman told an American friend that he was leaving the Church. The American asked which Protestant denomination he was moving over to. "I have lost my faith," said the Frenchman, "not my mind."