Musical jokes

Subject: Musical jokes
From: Bert
Date: 07 Mar 14 - 06:15 PM

From the "Daddy wouldn't buy me a Bow Wow" thread

"Daddy wouldnt buy me a Bodhran"

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: Leadfingers
Date: 07 Mar 14 - 06:28 PM

Noel Murphy used to do that one !

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 07 Mar 14 - 06:40 PM

I've got a little fife
And me missus bought a knife
But I'd rather have a bow-row-row-row-ran...

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 Mar 14 - 08:59 PM

Better than it sounds.

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 08 Mar 14 - 03:19 AM

How to confuse a guitarist ?

give him some musical notation and ask him to play it.

Mummy mummy when I grow up I want to be a folkmusician.........make your mind up son.
Dave H

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 08 Mar 14 - 08:43 AM

Watch out for the 5/4 verse "Life is just a bowl of fucking cherries".

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: The Sandman
Date: 08 Mar 14 - 01:18 PM

Britney Spears

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: Mrrzy
Date: 08 Mar 14 - 01:18 PM

I recall Tom Lehrer once referring to "rock&roll and other children's records" ... pretty funny!

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: GUEST,gillymor
Date: 08 Mar 14 - 01:44 PM

"Wagner's music is better than it sounds." - Edgar Wilson Nye

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 08 Mar 14 - 03:14 PM

Do vampires like heart rendering music?

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: Bev and Jerry
Date: 08 Mar 14 - 05:08 PM

Jerry used to drink tonic water (sometimes called quinine water on the other side of the pond) for the relief of leg cramps. To avoid the sugar in it, he bought the diet version which has zero calories. We ran into a friend in the market and she asked what we were looking for and, when we replied, "diet tonic water" she asked, "Can't you just drink chromatic water?"

Bev and Jerry

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: rosma
Date: 08 Mar 14 - 05:54 PM

A musician walks into a music shop and says he's interested in buying an accordion. The assistant invites him to look at the range "they're all displayed on the wall over there".

Five minutes later the musician walks up to the assistant with a big grin and says "I'm interested in the big red one".

The assistant says "You're a drummer aren't you".

"Oh, how did you guess?"

"That, sir, is a radiator!"

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: GUEST,DTM
Date: 09 Mar 14 - 07:41 AM

A jazz drummer won the lottery. He was asked what he was going to do with the money. He said he would keep playing till it was all gone.

Do you know what was inscribed on the blues singer's tombstone?
"Didn't wake up this morning."

What do get if you play a country record backwards?
You get your truck back, your dog back, your wife back.....

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 09 Mar 14 - 09:08 AM

How do you know a drummer is knocking on your door ?

The longer you leave him the slower he'll get.


Whats the difference between a drum machine and a drummer ?

You only have to punch the rhythm into a drum machine once !

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: GUEST,gillymor
Date: 09 Mar 14 - 09:42 AM

What do you call someone who likes to hang out with musicians?

A drummer.

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: GUEST,Mike Yates
Date: 09 Mar 14 - 10:16 AM

Can't remember the exact words off the top of my head, but this was an exchange in the recent film "Inside Llewyn Davis":

Q. What do you do?

A. I'm a folksinger.

Q. I thought that you said you were a musician!

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 09 Mar 14 - 11:17 AM

Why are there no homeless Early Musicians?
Because they've all gone a wee bit flat.

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: GUEST,DTM
Date: 09 Mar 14 - 11:58 AM

A got a call to play a gig at a Fire Station.
When I turned up I found out it was a hoax.

And of course the old chestnut......
Definition of perfect pitch:
When you throw an accordion into a skip and it lands on a banjo.

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: GUEST,Mike Yates
Date: 09 Mar 14 - 12:17 PM

I suppose that one of the best "musical" musical jokes was the one that Bela Bartok made against Dimitry Shostakovich. In the first movement of the latter's seventh symphony, "The Leningrad", we find the same theme repeated over and over, in fact some 40-odd times. Bartok clearly hated this and in the short Intermezzo of his "Concerto for Orchestra" he introduces this very same theme, which is followed by the trombones playing a very loud "rasberry"! Now that's what I call a "musical" joke!

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: GUEST,gillymor
Date: 09 Mar 14 - 12:51 PM

Didn't know that, thanks.

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 09 Mar 14 - 03:20 PM

Of course, Kodaly's Hary Janos suite is a musical joke.

~M~

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: PHJim
Date: 09 Mar 14 - 10:49 PM

Q - How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?

A - None. They've got machines that'll do that now.

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: GUEST,BobL
Date: 10 Mar 14 - 03:55 AM

PDQ Bach
Victor Borge
Gerard Hoffnung
Tom Lehrer
Gus Mahler for symphonic black humour
Anna Russell

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 10 Mar 14 - 07:23 AM

There's an entire class of classical music, the "scherzo", which fits the bill. Mozart Eine Misicalisher Spass. Haydn Surprise Symphony. Right, that's got that lot out the way.

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 12 Mar 14 - 12:20 PM

Just thought of this one, looking forward to tonight's match v Barcelona:~

Theme song for Manchester City ····

♫♫Pastime With Good Kompany♩♪♬



☝☝ up who gets it?

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 12 Mar 14 - 06:26 PM

How about this theme song for Manchester City now?

Nobody knows you when your down and out

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: Musket
Date: 13 Mar 14 - 07:53 AM

I like to make announcements, saying hey come from the landlord of the pub..

Will the banjo player return to his Porsche? He's left his lights on.

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 13 Mar 14 - 02:50 PM

Singer:"Why is our bass player hitting our lead guitarist?"
Drummer: "The lead guitarist de-tuned one of the bass guitar strings"
Singer: "So what's the big problem?"
Drummer: "The lead guitarist won't tell him which one"

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 14 Mar 14 - 05:10 AM

What do you get if you drop a piano down a coal mine?
A flat miner.

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: PHJim
Date: 24 Mar 14 - 12:39 AM

A man tries to enter a pub with a large sack. The publican stops him and says,"What d'you have in that sack?"
The man answers,"It's 20 pounds of plastic explosives."
"OK," says the publican,"Go on in. I thought it might have been a bodhran."

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 Mar 14 - 03:29 AM

What's the best thing to play a bodhran with?
A razor blade.
What is the difference between a bodhran player and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathisers.
What's the difference between a banjo and a chain saw?
The chain saw has greater dynamic range.
There's nothing I like better than the sound of a banjo, unless of course it's the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.
What does it mean when a guitar player is drooling out both sides of his mouth?
The stage is level.
If you drop an accordion, a set of bagpipes and a viola off a 20-story building, which one lands first?
Who cares?

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 24 Mar 14 - 05:22 AM

and the best pick up to put on a banjo is ?

A Ford R150 with extended cab.

Dave H

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: GUEST,Mad Jock
Date: 30 Mar 14 - 10:21 AM

What is the collective noun for banjos...



A bonfire.

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 30 Mar 14 - 12:20 PM

I guess it is wrong to say derisory things about Bodhrans and banjos..... they are OK really.............. until someone starts to play them!

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 30 Mar 14 - 12:20 PM

I guess it is wrong to say derisory things about Bodhrans and banjos..... they are OK really.............. until someone starts to play them!

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 30 Mar 14 - 01:33 PM

One is really over-vellumed by this hostility to them...

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: Joe_F
Date: 30 Mar 14 - 08:17 PM

Once there was a man who played the cello, but it was peculiar in that it had only one string, and he was peculiar in that he used it to play one note again and again. At length, him wife presumed to ask him, "Dear, have you ever noticed that other people have cellos with four strings, and they move their fingers around on them and play different notes?" "Sure," he said. "They're looking for the place. I've found it."

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 30 Mar 14 - 08:45 PM

If I hear any more jokes about bodhrans I'll get really crotchety.

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 30 Mar 14 - 11:23 PM

I hope only minimally crotchety.

~M~

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 30 Mar 14 - 11:24 PM

... he said quaveringly

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 31 Mar 14 - 01:29 AM

Noted!!!!!

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 31 Mar 14 - 02:27 AM

Takes my breve away!

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: GUEST,joker
Date: 31 Mar 14 - 04:33 AM

A C, an E-flat, and a G go into a bar. The bartender says: "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So, the E-flat leaves, and the C and the G have an open fifth between them.
After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished and the G is out flat. An F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough.
A D comes into the bar and heads straight for the bathroom saying, "Excuse me. I'll just be a second." An A comes into the bar, but the bartender is not convinced that this relative of C is not a minor. Then the bartender notices a B-flat hiding at the end of the bar and exclaims: "Get out now! You're the seventh minor I've found in this bar tonight."
Eventually, the C sobers up, and realizes in horror that he's under a rest. The C is brought to trial, is found guilty of contributing to the diminution of a minor, and is sentenced to 10 years of DS without Coda at an upscale correctional facility.

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 31 Mar 14 - 07:44 PM

Got home tonight to find the missus had shaved but one pube was still on the outside of her underwear. Hair on a G-String?

Subject: RE: Musical jokes
From: GUEST,pitheris
Date: 31 Mar 14 - 09:46 PM

Have you heard about the bass player?

He was so depressed about his bad timing that he threw himself behind a train.