Favorite Limerick [2]

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Mooh
Date: 12 Jun 00 - 01:14 PM

Very good Kendall, now go to the head of the class.

Try this:

If some are perpetually high,/It's Canadian whiskey, is why./But in terms of performance/It expediates dormance/It's harder to come through the rye.

I stick to Canadian beer, Mooh.

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: kendall
Date: 12 Jun 00 - 11:14 AM

I heard it this way..a mathmetician named Hall
Had a hexahedronical ball
The cube of its weight
Plus his pecker, times eight
Was 4/5ths of 5/8ths of fuck all.

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Mooh
Date: 12 Jun 00 - 10:34 AM

There's always time for a revival.

A Newfoundland boy from Placentia / Was in love to the point of dementia, / But his love couldn't burgeon / With his touch-me-not virgin / Till he screwed her by hand, in absentia.

Sorry, not sure from whence it came, tee hee.

Peace, Mooh.

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Len Wallace
Date: 25 Nov 99 - 01:38 AM

There once was a man named Lancelot Who looked at the ladies askance a lot. Whenevr he'd pass a delectable lass The front of his pants would advance a lot.

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: potato fingers
Date: 24 Nov 99 - 11:23 PM

Kurt Vonnegut gave us:

There was a young man from Stamboul
Who soliloquized thus to his tool:
"You took all my wealth
and you ruined my health,
and now you won't pee, you old fool!"

...and from John Steinbeck:

There was a young man from Jolon
Who got tired of being alone
so he went to King City
to get something pretty
puta chingada cabron.

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Micca
Date: 24 Nov 99 - 09:14 AM

A young gynecologist named Chaste
called out to his colleague" Make haste
I've a patient named Helen
with a clit like a melon"
" No, I don't mean the size, I mean taste

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 24 Nov 99 - 12:29 AM

OK, it's late, (well, early for me, it's 5am, insomniacs of the world - go to bed!!)

In a whorehouse in C*nt Lane, Devizes, They take on men's c*cks of all sizes. From one inch up to ten, It depends on your yen, For bigger knobs still, there's free prizes.

There was a young whore named Diana Who would have anyone for a tanner Amidst roars of applause, She'd let down her drawers And tighten her c*nt with a spanner.

In spite of a wasting disease, O'Reilly went down on his knees, before altars of gods, Whores, boys and small dogs, And all this for very low fees.....

Petunia, the prude of Mount Hood Devised an odd object of wood. Which, emloyed on hot nights, Gave her carnal delights Far beyond what the average man could!

A gold digging doxy from Darien, Laughed at Seth, the old bloke she was marryin' On their wedding night,Seth Screwed the poor girl to death Quite a feat for an octogenarian!

LTS

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: annamill
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 11:57 PM

There was a young lady from Nices (wherever that is) who had breasts of two different sizes. One was small, nothing at all. The other was large, and won prizes.

Thank you, Thank you, Annap

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 11:24 PM

Let's get back to that hermit named Dave
Who kept his dead whore in his cave:
Said he, "I'll admit
That I love that dead tit,
But it's really the maggots I crave."

--seed

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From:
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 11:13 PM

There was a young fellow from Kent
Whose took was so long that it bent
To save him the trouble
He shoved it in double
But instead of coming he went

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From:
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 11:10 PM

Getting back to music,

There was a young fellow, quite crass,
Whose balls were made out of brass
He clanged them together
And played Stormy Weather
While lightning shot of his ass.

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Potato Fingers
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 10:11 PM

Christ, you people are killing me.

I love this place.

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From:
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 06:02 PM

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Leigh
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 05:40 PM

There once was a lawyer named Rex With diminutive organs of sex. When arraigned for exposure, He replied with composure: "De minimis non curat lex."

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 02:21 PM

There once was a fellow named Ghandhi
Went into a pub for a shandy
While draining his cup
His robe he hiked up
And the Barmistress cried "What a Dandy!"

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From:
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 02:12 PM

Another young man, from Beirut
Played a penis as one might a flute
Till he met a sad eunuch
Who lifted his tunic
And said, "Sir, my insturment's mute.

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: WaltG
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 01:48 PM

There once was a man from St Kitts, Who planted ten acres of tits, They came up in the fall big nipples and all, and he happily chewed them to bits.

Ther once was a hermit named Dave, Who kept a dead whore in his cave. He said with a grunt, I know its dead cunt, But think of the money I save.

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: _gargoyle
Date: 23 Nov 99 - 01:33 PM

There was a young man from Beirut
Who was troubled by warts on his root.
He put acid on these,
And now, when he pees,
He can finger his root like a flute.

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: A. Non
Date: 22 Nov 99 - 07:39 PM

"Ay, yi, yi, yi," is a common introductory line of verses of the Inferior Bawdy Celts of Eire, and sung to the Gaelic tune of "Cielito Lindo", with 3 improvised lines like, "I'd rather get laid than get eaten, So sing me a chorus, While I eat your Clitoris," and ending with something like "So waltz me around again Willie". There are some examples sung by the decadent Gaelic nightingale Rusty Warren on 'Songs for Sinners', Jubilee LP 2024. Martyn Green just recited samples (Sassenach style) on Riverside RLP 7001. A clan of the Greater Bawdy Celts, around Limerick, from whom the name comes, could come up with 5 lines all on their own. A small sample of 1739 of these little rhymes was laboriously translated into English, and given by the notorious Celtic schollar Gershon Legman in a small book imaginatively titled 'The Limerick', with a few supplementary ones (2750) in 'The New Limerick'. Rumour has it that some misguided soul, doubtlessly to discredit the Celts, made up a non-bawdy Limerick, but so far it's eluded my searches.

Further meticulous research, aided by discovery of The Greater Book of the Bawdy Celts under a French title, and its translation into English has given rise to a further report on the poetic, musical, and historio-erotic remains of the early Celts. This is combined with the earlier report, available via Old Blue.

Hey, Old Blue, down here

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: fox4zero
Date: 22 Nov 99 - 06:23 PM

Have not had so many laughs for a long time. I would like to tidy up one of the earlier entries:

Alas for nymphomanical Alice She used a dynamite stick for a phallas. They found her vagina in North Carolina and a piece of her ass in Dallas

The seguey was:

Aye Aye Aye Aye In China they never eat chile So here comes the next verse Its worse that the last verse So waltz me around again Willie.

Thanks for the laughs. PARISH

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Sandy Paton
Date: 22 Nov 99 - 05:14 PM

Is there some way we could award "Limerick honors" to the very welcome new Mudcatter, Seonaid (and while we're at it, get Joe to add the necessary line breaks)? Those are genuine gems, Seonaid!

Sandy

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: bunkerhill
Date: 22 Nov 99 - 04:58 PM

Almost clean: Mary had an aeroplane In which she used to frisk Wasn't she the silly girl She had her *

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: KathWestra
Date: 22 Nov 99 - 04:28 PM

Davey -- You posted a variant of a favorite limerick that I first heard attributed to Allan Block, fiddler, poet, and sandal-maker long of New York City and now of New Hampshire. The way I heard it was:

There once was a man named McGurkin,
Whose gherkin he always was jerkin'.
Said his wife to McGurkin, "Quit jerkin' your gherkin,
You're shirkin' your firkin, McGurkin."

My other favorite, which is actually clean, is:

There was a young lady from Dole,
Whose wit was exceedingly droll,
She went to a ball dressed in nothing at all,
And backed in, as a Parker House roll.

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: kendall
Date: 22 Nov 99 - 04:11 PM

One more and that is it... It was rumored that Shakespere took a bet in a pub that he could make up a limerick using the home town name of another boozer. After taking the bet, Bill asked the name of the mans town, and, he replied, "I'm from Wales, and the name of the town is Aberistwith." Shakespere wrote.. There was a girl from Aberistwithe who went to the mill they ground grist withe, there, a fella named Jack laid her flat on her back, and united the things that they pissed withe.

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Davey
Date: 22 Nov 99 - 03:32 PM

There was a young fellow named Herkin
Who was always jerkin' his gherkin
His momma said, "Herkin
Quit jerkin' yer gherkin.
Yer gherkin's fer ferkin, Herkin."

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Sarah-HS
Date: 22 Nov 99 - 03:07 PM

I actually won a $250.00 prize for this one:

A poet whose life was perverse Has his days and his nights it reverse He awoke every night With a yearning to write Thus going from bed to verse

And another favorite of mine is:

There once was a fellow from Leeds Who swallowed a packet of seeds An acre of grass Grew out of his ass And he couldn't sit down for the weeds!

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Bert
Date: 22 Nov 99 - 02:28 PM

Well Welcome aboard Seonaid!
For line feeds you need to insert < BR >

Bert.

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Seonaid
Date: 22 Nov 99 - 02:15 PM

The Clairseach limerick was mine -- and very strange it looks, all stretched out in one line. I wonder why the line breaks didn't show up? Is there some trick to that, or do you just have to take your chances on format? (This is my first time posting.)

Here's another original:

Said Phelimy Boyle to the vicar, "Don't ask me to give up the liquor! I can't even think it; My wife makes me drink it -- It makes more than just my SPEECH thicker!"

Carry on!

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From:
Date: 22 Nov 99 - 02:07 PM

Here's one of my favorite "dirties" --

A maiden not otherwise crude, Once strolled down the road in the nude. A man came along, And, unless I am wrong -- You expected this line to be lewd.

This original "clean" won a prize from an Irish-American newspaper:

Maureen gave her doctor a sore shock When he tried to interpret her Rorschach. "This blot is OBSCENE!" She declared, "Well, I mean, It's a SASSENACH playing the clairseach!"

(Translations, if needed: Sassenach = Englishman; clairseach, pronounced "clahr-shock" = traditional Celtic harp)

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Dave Swan
Date: 22 Nov 99 - 10:40 AM

Thanks Don,

Glad to have the attribution. It came to me through the oral tradition, and you know how that goes. Cheers, D.

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Blackcat2
Date: 22 Nov 99 - 09:30 AM

I heard the "filthiest Limerick Ever" this way: It was told to my Dad just after WWII by none other than Winston Churchill.

"It seems that the BBC wanted to lift the spirits of the British people during the war and one idea they had was to have a limerick contest. The winner would receive 100 Pounds and his or her limerick would be read on the radio all over the English speaking world. Thousands of entries poured in and finally the winning entry was chosen. Of course, because it was the BEST LIMERICK EVER, it embraced the traditional logic of "there are good limericks and there are clean limericks, but there are no good, clean limericks." So the BBC was in a bind. They knew, from the start, that they'd have to use language not heard on the BBC normally, but this limerick used words with which even the creators of the O.E.D. were only haltingly familiar. The BBC comprimised with the poet and decided to "beep" out the most offensive words and hope that the limerick would remain intact. So after many hours of work this is the limerick as it was presented on the BBC:

Beep, beep-beep-beep-beep, beep, beep Beep, beep-beep-beep-beep, beep, beep Beep, beep-beep-beep-beep Beep, beep-beep-beep-beep Beep, beep-beep-beep, fuckin' cunt.

pax yall

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Lonesome EJ
Date: 22 Nov 99 - 12:28 AM

Cute:

There once was a three-legged bear
In the world he had only one care
He never could find
His favorite kind
Of three-legged underwear

Nasty:

There once was a man named Canute
Who had three little warts on his root
He used acid on these
And now when he pees
He handles his root like a flute

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: John in Brisbane
Date: 22 Nov 99 - 12:04 AM

From the pen of a meteorologist I used to work with:

If you list life's pleasures no doubt,
Copulation's the first thing you'll shout,
But a piss you'll admit, as well as a shit,
Are joys that can't be left out.

OR

Yallourn is a major coal mining and electricity generation area in Victoria.

An electrical clerk from Yallourn,
An accredited dealer in porn,
Had an order for smut, for a large open cut,
Good spellers are made and not born.

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Sandy Paton
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 11:52 PM

There was a young man from Rangoon
Who was born by the light of the moon.
It wasn't his luck
To be born by a fuck,
But a wet dream, scooped in with a spoon.

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Don Meixner
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 11:31 PM

Dave,

Thats my all time favorite. Written by W S Gilbert of Gilbert and Sullivan. But I believe rhat the correct line is "There once was a man from St. Bees"

Said the Physicain to his patient named Jacues,

"Can you do it while lacking a cock?",

"Its not as hard as all that,

I use a ball bat,"

"Its called hickory, dickery, Doc"

Don

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: sophocleese
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 10:07 PM

There once was a plumber of Lea who was plumbing his maid by the sea, said the maid "Cease your plumbing, I think someone's coming" Said the plumber, still plumbing, "Its me!"

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Dave Swan
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 10:02 PM

There once was a man named Mc Fee
Who was stung on the arm by a wasp
When asked if it hurt
He said "Yes it does,
And I'm glad that it wasn't a hornet."

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: kendall
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 09:36 PM

and, on the 23rd stroke, the fucking thing broke, and whipped his balls into .....

there was a young fella named Jock who tied mandolin strings to his cock. When he got an erection, he could play any selection from Johaan Sebastian Back.

there once was a fella named Carter known as a prodidgious farter..he could fart anything from God Save the King, to Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

there was a fella from Kent, whose dick was so long that it bent..to save him some trouble, he put it in double..so.. instead of cumming, ..he went.

ENOUGH

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: kendall
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 09:34 PM

and, on the 23rd stroke, the fucking thing broke, and whipped his balls into .....

there was a young fella named Jock who tied mandolin strings to his cock. When he got an erection, he could play any selection from Johaan Sebastian Back.

there once was a fella named Carter known as a prodidgious farter..he could fart anything from God Save the King, to Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata.

there was a fella from Kent, whose dick was so long that it bent..to save him some trouble, he put it in double..so.. instead of cumming, ..he went.

ENOUGH

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Midchuck
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 09:17 PM

"There was a young man from Racine Who invented a f**king machine Concave or convex It screwed either sex But OH what a bastard to clean."

A variant of this has as the last line: "With attachments for those in between."

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From:
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 08:36 PM

Anyone in the service during the Korean Conflict (never was a war!) should remember hundreds of these. And the chorous sung then was

Aye, Yi, Yi, Yi, we all eat pussy in Puson And here comes another verse That's Worse than the other verse So waltz me around again Willie.

There were contests while marching from point A to point B, 20 miles away, as to how could come up with the most verses.

There was a young man from Racine Who invented a f**king machine Concave or convex It screwed either sex But OH what a bastard to clean.

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: i'd rather not say
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 07:46 PM

there was a young maid from st paul wore a newspaper dress to a ball the dress caught on fire and burnt her entire front page, sporting section, and all

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: _gargoyle
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 06:59 PM

Yes...and also heard the last song line as "Waltz me around by my willie."

Heard this as a rauckus drinking song many years before ever hearing of Dave Mason....

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: bseed(charleskratz)
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 06:41 PM

By the way, Art--I heard that one as

There was a blank-blankety-blank
Who blank-blanked a blankety blank. When he blank-blanked the blank
With his blankety-blank,
Then the blank blank blank blankety fuck.

From Ramblin' Jack Elliot back in about 1966.

--seed

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Stewie
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 06:30 PM

Micca, almost.

There was a young lady from Bude
Who danced on the stage in the nude
When a bloke at the front
Said (loud sniffing noises) I think I smell cunt
Just like that, right out loud, fucking rude!

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Sandy Paton
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 06:19 PM

There was a young man named Tuckingham
Who stood on the bridge at Buckingham,
Watching the stunts
Of the cunts in the punts
And the tricks of the pricks that were fuckingham.

Admirable internal rhyme scheme, eh?

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Art Thieme
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 06:12 PM

this is a keeper thread...

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Micca
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 06:07 PM

Stewie do you mean
There was a young lady from Bude
who danced on the stage in the nude
a man out the front
shouted show us your c**t
Just like that, right out loud f***ing rude

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: rwilhlem
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 05:57 PM

There was a young man from St. Joe's
Who diddled himself with his toes
He did it so neat
He fell in love with his feet
And christened them Myrtle and Rose

There was a young lady named wild
Who kept herself quite undefiled
by thinking of Jesus
contagious diseases
and the bother of having a child

Subject: RE: Favorite Limerick
From: Stewie
Date: 21 Nov 99 - 05:51 PM

Micca, no it's worse than that.