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Gig From Hell List
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Subject: Gig From Hell List From: Barbara Date: 24 Nov 99 - 03:40 PM Hi, gang, this showed up in my email this morning, and I thought you would enjoy it. Blessings, Barbara
BAD GIGS What can go wrong?
Borrowed guitar, different string spacing, bridge or nut sliding during stringbending or vibrato; wrong strap length or strap breaking during solo; unwoundguitar string used as backup strap gradually cutting through shirt and shoulder; sleeve snagging on bridge suddenly locking up hand; wrong pick;dropped pick; broken pick; no pick; pick stuck between strings;finger caught between strings; wrong strings; dead strings; sticky strings; blood on strings; broken strings; no extra strings; jar of honey spilled all over strings; vintage L-5's gig bag shoulder strap breaking immediately before album release concert for 5,000 people causing guitar to fall on concrete and creating crack from tailpiece to neck which gradually splits apart during performance with action getting higher and higher, amp too far away; amp too close; amp broken so play through bass amp or P.A.; tone all wrong; overdrive bypass switch broken; cymbal in ear; band too loud; audience too loud; band downstairs too loud; bad monitors; no monitors; in-ear monitors broken so Patti is heard acoustically but Tuck is heard only through house PA 50 yards away resulting in Tuck being unavoidably out of sync with Patti by 1/6 second for whole show; guitar buzz; RF from nearby transmitter louder than the music itself; brownouts making organ pitchfluctuate randomly over an octave range; power outage; equipment plugged into 230 volts immediately before show; earthquake during show in high-rise; outdoor desert performance at 131 degrees with sand-blasting winds; sub-freezing outdoor mountaintop performance with snow storms and 40 mph winds; high altitude dizziness; no sleep; no food; too much food; wrong food; food poisoning; fever; locked bathrooms; way too many liquids before long show; nagging suspicion that zipper is down; contact lens falling out during moment of peak concentration; compromised hand position due to repeatedly sliding full width of stage while trying to keep playing but not collide with Patti on yacht in rough Finnish Gulf of Bothnia; charts blown away by wind; charts on thermal fax paper;, charts in wrong key; charts without bar lines; charts with bar lines all displaced by two beats; charts in bass clef or C clef; chord charts with do/re/mi (France) instead of C/D/E and everything else in Portuguese; realization that Miles Davis, Dizzy Gillespie, Joe Pass, George Benson, Chaka Khan, Bobby McFerrin or Steve Gadd just walked in; drunks falling on stage; drunks disrobing on stage; drunks grabbing instruments or band members; band members falling asleep during song; pigs frolicking in sawdust-covered frat house knocking over band equipment; thinly veiled animosity between bride's and groom's families erupting into violence during heartfelt version of My Romance; nightly juggling of playing and operating the lighting console/footswitches and talking to audience members and trying to reign in tempos and egos of various fellow top-40 band members; arrival at duo gig with unbelievably loud, aggressive fuzz-wah hard rock bass player to discover that assignment is to back up elderly white-haired and white-suited gentleman singing unfamiliar country songs to unforgiving patrons; crowded upscale happy hour dance floor unraveling into pandemonium as normal-looking customers all collapse to the floor and writhe around on each other while astonished saxophone- playing duo partner walks out leaving helpless solo guitarist playing The Hustle for 25 minutes; funk bass player imprisoned in lounge band insisting on popping strings throughout sensitive ballads; accidental imprisonment of Patti in wine cellar out of earshot during guitar instrumentals; onstage and on-instrument living creatures with varying numbers of legs; belligerent drunken bowling alley lounge customer demanding that funk band play Debussy's Clair de Lune while remainder of band looks expectantly at guitarist; drummer watching ball game on portable TV with headphones throughout performance; guest singer repeatedly changing keys at random moments; realization that the people who have just boldly picked up instruments and are unexpectedly sitting in are Herbie Hancock and Wah Wah Watson; guns drawn at rehearsals to settle disputes about form of song; marginally famous singer resorting to the dreaded "Do you know who I am" line; drummer and delusional would-be front man jumping off the drums in the middle of a song and mistakenly chanting "we don't need no drummer to keep that funky beat" to a dance floor packed with suddenly hostile former dancers; unstable band member deciding that it is his responsibility to educate the audience over the microphone; bass player playing random notes and rhythms because he is not a bass player at all but nonetheless booked the gig; drummer announcing that he killed somebody just before the show; swimming pool party turning into orgy with splashing on inexperienced solo electric guitarist sitting beside pool doing his first solo gig and fielding endless requests for the same song he had just played yet again; bride's and groom's special song evaporating from mortified solo musician's mind at the crucial moment; band member disappearing suddenly when his chair falls backwards off riser; unstable enormous man peaking on LSD brandishing artificial limb removed from his companion at audience and threatening band to "sing with this"; mirrors on back wall of club causing introspective young guitarist to question meaning of his life at early stage in career. -Tuck Andress
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Subject: RE: Gig From Hell List From: Paul G. Date: 24 Nov 99 - 04:34 PM ...and I'm still waiting for that guy to give me my leg back.... |
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Subject: RE: Gig From Hell List From: sophocleese Date: 24 Nov 99 - 05:21 PM OOps sorry about that Paul, I'll go talk to my brother about it.... |
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Subject: RE: Gig From Hell List From: Barbara Date: 25 Nov 99 - 03:04 AM Do you mean you're related to Tuck, sophocleese? (I got the list from Peter Langston.)Blessings, Barbara, who just got home at midnight from the last dress rehearsal, we open Friday. |
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Subject: RE: Gig From Hell List From: sophocleese Date: 25 Nov 99 - 09:35 AM No, but I may be related to "unstable enormous man peaking on LSD brandishing artificial limb removed from his companion at audience and threatening band to "sing with this". Actually I think its one of my brother's hairdresser's more disreputable friends... |
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Subject: RE: Gig From Hell List From: willie-o Date: 25 Nov 99 - 11:37 AM that's quite the document. I'm going to save it and study it--I now believe the hype that Tuck & Patti are the ultimate duo given that his concept of a disaster is being one-sixth of a second out of sync with the vocalist. the guy with the limb may have been the Shel Silverstein character as in: "Now I'm a three-legged man, with a two-legged woman, hey maybe that's where he started out. |
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Subject: RE: Gig From Hell List From: rollingcrone0526 Date: 26 Nov 99 - 12:51 AM The absolute worst: The "Gluten Intolerance Banquet." Maybe it's because they can't eat most things without getting sick, but they hated us and we hated them. 15 years ago and I still shudder. At least no one threw anything. They just stared at us, unamused by jokes or music. They couldn't wait for us to leave, and we couldn't wait to leave. It was the first gig by that particular group (Women, Women & Song) and we went on to have some modest success as performers & songwriters over the next seven years before disbanding, but that was the worst and if we'd taken it as an omen, the group would have been put to sleep on the spot. |
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Subject: RE: Gig From Hell List From: Barbara Date: 26 Nov 99 - 02:07 AM HEeeeeey, Rolling Crone, I loved your music! Can I still get tapes or (gasp)CDs? I've been talking up some of your stuff here, and "the Key of R" has threads addressed to it, I think. Are yawl performing anywhere these days? Welcome to Mudcat! Blessings, Barbara |
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Subject: RE: Gig From Hell List From: M. Ted (inactive) Date: 26 Nov 99 - 03:27 AM Tuck's list, as breathtaking and comprehensiveas it is, still leaves a few bases untouched, and I feel fortunate in being able to supplement him, albeit it in a humble way, with these items from my own, admittedly more limited experience-- The night our glam rock parody band was booked in a teen-dance club in Grand Ledge, Michigan. and, after one tune, they gave the kids back their money, closed the club, and paid us to leave-- The night our lead singer's PA was reposessed in the middle of our show-- Or the night our lead singer's wife got drunk told our blind drummer(who was actually the best musician in the band) that he was "holding the band back" The night someone picked up a barstool during my amusing rendition of "Okie from Muskogee" and threw it through the big expensive mirror behind the bar, prompting other patrons to attempt to exceed the damage in scope and cost-- forcing the bar to close for the rest of the summer-- Or maybe the night someone was shot on the other side of a large picture window which, coincidentally, was the back of our stage-- There's no business like show business--
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Subject: RE: Gig From Hell List From: Willie-O Date: 26 Nov 99 - 11:43 AM thread creep points to another sub-topic: what songs are dangerous to play because the audience loves them and reacts with a high amount of spontaneous enthusiasm... Okie --or a lot of Merle for that matter... but my number one nominee is "The Rodeo Song". I once got shit from a club owner cause one of his regular patrons picked up my guitar duing a break and regaled the audience of expatriate Newfoundlanders--the doors were open, it was a residential neighbourhood, management was unamused. It's 40 below, but I don;'t give a f**** Got a heater in the truck and I'm off to the rodeo... (course if you were a hard-bitten Alberta cowboy singer named Gaye, you'd probly write that song too...) Bill
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Subject: RE: Gig From Hell List From: lamarca Date: 26 Nov 99 - 02:06 PM Then there's my favorite "Ultimate Gig from Hell" movie, This is Spinal Tap. Not folkie, but definitely a scream. For those who haven't seen it, it's Rob Reiner's parody of "The Last Waltz", in which he plays producer/director Marti DiBergi who is making a movie of the disastrous American tour of his favorite heavy metal band, Spinal Tap ("the loudest band in England"). The band is made up of friends of Reiner's who actually used to get together and play; it was a running joke with them that eventually got made into a movie. The hapless Metal rockers do wonderful send-ups of that style of music (numbers like Working on the Sex Farm, Big Bottom, the pseudo-mystical Stonehenge number, etc.), the pretentiousness of the lead guitar player, the classic girlfriend of the lead vs. rest of the band conflict, and gigs from hell too numerous to mention. Even my died-in-the-wool folkie friends were reduced to helpless giggles by this one! "My amp goes up to 11..." "I think D minor is the saddest key.." "Oh, he died in a tragic gardening accident..." |
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Subject: RE: Gig From Hell List From: WyoWoman Date: 26 Nov 99 - 02:16 PM I shouldn't read this thread while I'm trying to eat. I just blew blueberry yogurt out my nostrils. "The Gluten Intolerance Banquet?" I can't catch my breath! And "Spinal Tap" is one of my Top Ten All-Time Favorite Movies. I might go rent it tonight, just for old-time's sake. I simply have to turn this thread and the other "Gig from Hell" thread into a book. I have nothing to add to this thread except my laughter, and it's loud and hearty at this point. (Except for this blueberry goo on my keyboard...) Rolligcrone, I love your name. Is that like, "A rolling crone gathers no loss?" Haven't seen you around these parts, have I? If you're new, welcome. If you're not, welcome back. WyoWoman |
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Subject: RE: Gig From Hell List From: sophocleese Date: 26 Nov 99 - 04:05 PM Spinal Tap is brilliant. reduces me to tears of laughter whenever I watch it. "My baby fits me like a flesh tuxedo, I want to sink her with my pink torpedo". I don't think Spaw can get worse than that... |
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Subject: RE: Gig From Hell List From: Alice Date: 26 Nov 99 - 05:20 PM SPINAL TAP forever!! Classic all time great parody - music - ??? movie. Love it... especially the dig at the new age clueless girlfriend who is trying to book the band according to their horoscopes. GAWD it's great. The cucumber and tin foil in the pants going through the metal detector, the drummers always spontaneously combusting, the small stonehenge sculpture that was supposed to be the big stage set.... Spinal Tap and The Committments - two of my favorites. One gig from hell after another in those movies, and yet a good time had by all. alice |
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Subject: RE: Gig From Hell List From: Lonesome EJ Date: 26 Nov 99 - 07:19 PM I think my band may change it's name to "Gluten Intolerance Banquet". Nigel: Our first drummer died in a very sort of horrible way. David St. Hubbins: Yes, he choked on vomit... Nigel: Actually, it was someone else's vomit. LEJ (working on a sex farm, plowing through the bean fields)
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Subject: RE: Gig From Hell List From: WyoWoman Date: 26 Nov 99 - 11:13 PM I DID, I rented Spinal Tap. I'm off to see it for the umpteenth time. (One of my favorite running gags is the fever blisters that start out small and as the tour goes on they get larger and larger -- completely without comment. Brilliant.)
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Subject: RE: Gig From Hell List From: Jo Taylor Date: 01 Dec 99 - 06:59 PM WW, it's far more painful with rice cakes! (No, I'm not gluten intolerant, I just happen to like eating polystyrene tiles...) We were playing a Royal Marine Camp Summer Ball one year, our drummer was Irish and he was marched off by two soldiers with large guns and questioned thoroughly, when asked about his recent past they apparently found it difficult to believe that he'd been the Boomtown Rats' drummer, touring the world... Or another more recently, playing in a small French town, where the patrons all appeared to be far too closely related, desperately trying to think of slow boring tunes because every time we played anything lively they danced on the table and took their pants off. (Outer and inner for UK and US usage.) The name of the town was Percy, appropriate... Jo |
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Subject: RE: Gig From Hell List From: M. Ted (inactive) Date: 01 Dec 99 - 10:29 PM As far a we were concerned, when people got up to dance, it was a good thing--who cares what they did with their pants? |
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Subject: RE: Gig From Hell List From: Jo Taylor Date: 02 Dec 99 - 08:06 PM Mmm, MTed, it's just that it's a wee bit off-putting trying to to play with willies being waved around - I did attempt to put it politely! They then descended and tried to grab the instruments - a definite no-no. Jo |
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Subject: RE: Gig From Hell List From: M. Ted (inactive) Date: 02 Dec 99 - 11:07 PM Your story keeps getting better and better!!! We were once surrounded by an angry high school football team, during a break, and when they tried to grab our instruments, the bass player swung high and inside with his solid body bass--settling the situation rather abruptly-- |
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Subject: RE: Gig From Hell List From: WyoWoman Date: 03 Dec 99 - 01:33 AM I have never lived .... |
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