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BS: New joke thread of 2015

Mrrzy 28 Feb 15 - 09:13 PM
John on the Sunset Coast 28 Feb 15 - 10:27 PM
Don Firth 01 Mar 15 - 01:37 AM
Peter the Squeezer 01 Mar 15 - 11:15 AM
Jim Carroll 01 Mar 15 - 11:58 AM
Joe_F 01 Mar 15 - 07:50 PM
Jim Carroll 02 Mar 15 - 04:30 AM
Monique 02 Mar 15 - 05:23 AM
Jim Carroll 02 Mar 15 - 08:13 AM
Jim Carroll 02 Mar 15 - 08:47 AM
Joe_F 02 Mar 15 - 05:55 PM
Jim Carroll 03 Mar 15 - 04:01 AM
GUEST,DrWord 03 Mar 15 - 09:30 PM
Jim Carroll 04 Mar 15 - 03:52 AM
Steve Shaw 04 Mar 15 - 06:03 AM
GUEST,DTM 04 Mar 15 - 08:41 AM
Jim Carroll 04 Mar 15 - 09:19 AM
Jim Carroll 04 Mar 15 - 09:32 AM
Don Firth 04 Mar 15 - 08:51 PM
GUEST,Mrr 04 Mar 15 - 08:55 PM
Don Firth 04 Mar 15 - 09:25 PM
Mrrzy 04 Mar 15 - 11:46 PM
Jim Carroll 05 Mar 15 - 02:59 AM
Joe_F 05 Mar 15 - 06:28 PM
Jim Carroll 06 Mar 15 - 04:49 AM
Jim Carroll 06 Mar 15 - 06:20 AM
Mrrzy 14 Mar 15 - 03:02 PM
Joe_F 14 Mar 15 - 05:26 PM
Gurney 14 Mar 15 - 06:29 PM
GUEST,# 26 Mar 15 - 07:45 AM
Mr Red 27 Mar 15 - 02:46 AM
gnu 06 Apr 15 - 01:00 PM
GUEST,Pete from seven stars link 06 Apr 15 - 05:36 PM
GUEST,# 06 Apr 15 - 07:15 PM
Mrrzy 07 Apr 15 - 01:09 PM
Uncle_DaveO 16 Apr 15 - 01:23 PM
GUEST,# 16 Apr 15 - 02:07 PM
GUEST,# 16 Apr 15 - 02:27 PM
GUEST,Sol 16 Apr 15 - 03:05 PM
Uncle_DaveO 18 Apr 15 - 12:37 PM
Mrrzy 20 Apr 15 - 04:22 PM
GUEST,# 20 Apr 15 - 05:33 PM
GUEST,# 20 Apr 15 - 06:41 PM
Hamish 21 Apr 15 - 11:36 AM
GUEST 22 Apr 15 - 10:11 AM
GUEST,gillymor 22 Apr 15 - 10:14 AM
GUEST,# 23 Apr 15 - 01:55 PM
GUEST,# 29 Apr 15 - 01:22 AM
Don Firth 29 Apr 15 - 01:39 AM
GUEST,Pete from seven stars link 29 Apr 15 - 01:09 PM
Joe Offer 29 Apr 15 - 04:22 PM
Steve Shaw 29 Apr 15 - 07:35 PM
GUEST,gillymor 29 Apr 15 - 09:24 PM
Don Firth 30 Apr 15 - 09:22 PM
Don Firth 30 Apr 15 - 09:34 PM
frogprince 30 Apr 15 - 10:08 PM
MGM·Lion 01 May 15 - 06:22 AM
GUEST,gillymor 01 May 15 - 07:35 AM
Musket 01 May 15 - 08:17 AM
Louie Roy 01 May 15 - 08:05 PM
GUEST,# 01 May 15 - 08:54 PM
BillOC 01 May 15 - 08:55 PM
frogprince 02 May 15 - 11:30 AM
Louie Roy 02 May 15 - 12:17 PM
Jim Carroll 02 May 15 - 01:09 PM
Don Firth 02 May 15 - 02:55 PM
Jim Carroll 02 May 15 - 03:13 PM
Louie Roy 02 May 15 - 03:58 PM
Jim Carroll 03 May 15 - 03:24 PM
GUEST 05 May 15 - 11:25 AM
Uncle_DaveO 05 May 15 - 03:55 PM
Don Firth 06 May 15 - 12:25 AM
GUEST,CrazyEddie 06 May 15 - 06:59 AM
Joe_F 06 May 15 - 12:55 PM
Mrrzy 06 May 15 - 01:11 PM
GUEST, DTM 06 May 15 - 08:36 PM
Joe_F 06 May 15 - 10:11 PM
Jim Carroll 07 May 15 - 03:00 AM
Jim Carroll 07 May 15 - 06:41 AM
Jim Carroll 07 May 15 - 08:33 AM
Mrrzy 07 May 15 - 08:42 AM
GUEST,DTM 07 May 15 - 09:31 AM
Don Firth 07 May 15 - 08:25 PM
Joe_F 07 May 15 - 09:01 PM
Jim Carroll 08 May 15 - 03:07 AM
frogprince 08 May 15 - 09:34 AM
Peter the Squeezer 08 May 15 - 11:00 AM
Jim Carroll 09 May 15 - 05:47 AM
Jim Carroll 09 May 15 - 05:57 AM
Joe_F 09 May 15 - 07:45 PM
Jim Carroll 10 May 15 - 09:07 AM
MGM·Lion 10 May 15 - 01:45 PM
Uncle_DaveO 10 May 15 - 06:34 PM
Uncle_DaveO 10 May 15 - 06:36 PM
Joe_F 10 May 15 - 08:37 PM
Steve Shaw 10 May 15 - 08:48 PM
Jim Carroll 11 May 15 - 02:52 AM
Jim Carroll 11 May 15 - 03:33 AM
Jim Carroll 11 May 15 - 03:01 PM
Musket 12 May 15 - 05:39 AM
GUEST,# 22 May 15 - 12:32 PM
frogprince 26 May 15 - 08:17 PM
GUEST,Uncle_DaveO 30 May 15 - 09:26 AM
Mrrzy 08 Jun 15 - 01:39 AM
Mrrzy 13 Jun 15 - 09:48 PM
Andrez 14 Jun 15 - 07:57 AM
Jim Carroll 14 Jun 15 - 11:04 AM
GUEST,Pete from seven stars link 14 Jun 15 - 02:32 PM
Don Firth 14 Jun 15 - 06:32 PM
Mrrzy 15 Jun 15 - 06:39 PM
GUEST,Pete from seven stars link 16 Jun 15 - 05:35 PM
GUEST,# 16 Jun 15 - 06:42 PM
Mrrzy 01 Jul 15 - 05:53 PM
Donuel 01 Jul 15 - 09:19 PM
Jim Carroll 02 Jul 15 - 03:00 PM
Donuel 02 Jul 15 - 04:28 PM
Mrrzy 02 Jul 15 - 05:10 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 02 Jul 15 - 06:32 PM
Donuel 09 Jul 15 - 09:35 AM
Mrrzy 09 Jul 15 - 10:47 AM
Donuel 09 Jul 15 - 07:22 PM
Bill D 10 Jul 15 - 10:27 AM
Bill D 10 Jul 15 - 10:38 AM
Bill D 10 Jul 15 - 10:57 AM
Mrrzy 10 Jul 15 - 09:46 PM
Uncle_DaveO 11 Jul 15 - 10:02 AM
Bill D 17 Jul 15 - 04:40 PM
GUEST,Bryn Pugh 18 Jul 15 - 11:43 AM
GUEST,Dormie 18 Jul 15 - 01:31 PM
Jim Carroll 19 Jul 15 - 03:46 AM
GUEST,# 25 Jul 15 - 04:47 AM
Uncle_DaveO 25 Jul 15 - 10:47 AM
Steve Shaw 25 Jul 15 - 01:08 PM
Mrrzy 26 Jul 15 - 10:50 AM
GUEST 26 Jul 15 - 11:22 AM
GUEST,Dyslexic wiv a shense of oomer 26 Jul 15 - 01:51 PM
Steve Shaw 26 Jul 15 - 08:05 PM
GUEST 26 Jul 15 - 08:07 PM
GUEST,Jon Heslop 27 Jul 15 - 08:41 AM
GUEST 27 Jul 15 - 10:23 AM
GUEST 27 Jul 15 - 10:38 AM
GUEST, 08:07 27 Jul 15 - 10:51 AM
Mrrzy 27 Jul 15 - 09:09 PM
GUEST,Uncle_DaveO 04 Aug 15 - 12:03 PM
Don Firth 04 Aug 15 - 02:26 PM
Jim Carroll 04 Aug 15 - 03:05 PM
Mrrzy 05 Aug 15 - 01:24 PM
Jim Carroll 05 Aug 15 - 01:32 PM
Jim Carroll 05 Aug 15 - 07:58 PM
mayomick 06 Aug 15 - 02:53 PM
Don Firth 06 Aug 15 - 05:15 PM
Joe_F 06 Aug 15 - 06:19 PM
mayomick 06 Aug 15 - 06:23 PM
Jim Carroll 09 Aug 15 - 12:37 PM
Mrrzy 27 Aug 15 - 11:09 AM
Uncle_DaveO 29 Aug 15 - 12:27 PM
Joe_F 29 Aug 15 - 06:21 PM
MGM·Lion 07 Sep 15 - 02:27 PM
Jim Carroll 08 Sep 15 - 03:31 AM
Steve Shaw 08 Sep 15 - 08:58 AM
MGM·Lion 08 Sep 15 - 09:00 AM
Steve Shaw 08 Sep 15 - 09:10 AM
MGM·Lion 08 Sep 15 - 09:18 AM
Steve Shaw 08 Sep 15 - 09:48 AM
Jim Carroll 08 Sep 15 - 10:58 AM
Jim Carroll 08 Sep 15 - 01:54 PM
Uncle_DaveO 16 Sep 15 - 09:27 AM
PHJim 16 Sep 15 - 02:09 PM
Mrrzy 03 Oct 15 - 05:19 PM
GUEST,gillymor 04 Oct 15 - 12:41 PM
Jim Carroll 05 Oct 15 - 08:22 AM
Jim Carroll 05 Oct 15 - 08:31 AM
Steve Shaw 05 Oct 15 - 12:24 PM
GUEST,# 05 Oct 15 - 01:32 PM
Jim Carroll 06 Oct 15 - 03:11 AM
Jim Carroll 06 Oct 15 - 09:50 AM
Jim Carroll 06 Oct 15 - 02:54 PM
GUEST,# 06 Oct 15 - 05:40 PM
GUEST,# 06 Oct 15 - 05:56 PM
Jim Carroll 07 Oct 15 - 03:32 AM
Mrrzy 07 Oct 15 - 10:09 AM
GUEST 07 Oct 15 - 10:44 AM
DMcG 07 Oct 15 - 05:11 PM
Bainbo 10 Oct 15 - 08:27 PM
GUEST,# 10 Oct 15 - 08:54 PM
Uncle_DaveO 17 Oct 15 - 07:02 PM
Uncle_DaveO 17 Oct 15 - 07:14 PM
Steve Shaw 17 Oct 15 - 09:27 PM
MGM·Lion 18 Oct 15 - 03:29 AM
Mrrzy 18 Oct 15 - 12:46 PM
Steve Shaw 18 Oct 15 - 05:03 PM
Uncle_DaveO 31 Oct 15 - 09:03 PM
Steve Shaw 31 Oct 15 - 10:09 PM
Mrrzy 07 Nov 15 - 05:58 PM
GUEST,# 07 Nov 15 - 07:30 PM
GUEST,Maximinus 07 Nov 15 - 10:33 PM
GUEST,gillymor 08 Nov 15 - 08:14 AM
Jim Carroll 08 Nov 15 - 09:12 AM
DMcG 08 Nov 15 - 09:20 AM
GUEST,gillymor 08 Nov 15 - 10:15 AM
GUEST,Tunisia 15 Nov 15 - 12:16 AM
Uncle_DaveO 03 Dec 15 - 09:37 AM
GUEST,Pete from seven stars link 03 Dec 15 - 11:49 AM
Uncle_DaveO 19 Dec 15 - 10:01 AM
Mrrzy 19 Dec 15 - 12:26 PM
Joe_F 19 Dec 15 - 04:47 PM
GUEST 19 Dec 15 - 10:12 PM
MGM·Lion 20 Dec 15 - 12:10 AM
GUEST 20 Dec 15 - 12:52 AM
GUEST,Musket 20 Dec 15 - 04:30 AM
GUEST,Raggytash 20 Dec 15 - 04:37 AM
MGM·Lion 20 Dec 15 - 04:55 AM
MGM·Lion 20 Dec 15 - 04:56 AM
GUEST 20 Dec 15 - 06:18 AM
Mrrzy 20 Dec 15 - 02:07 PM
GUEST,Fumage 22 Dec 15 - 04:19 AM
gillymor 22 Dec 15 - 04:36 AM
Donuel 22 Dec 15 - 07:15 AM
gnu 23 Dec 15 - 12:49 PM
Uncle_DaveO 29 Dec 15 - 03:00 PM
GUEST,Mad jock 30 Dec 15 - 07:26 AM
GUEST,# 30 Dec 15 - 07:52 AM
Jeri 30 Dec 15 - 09:57 AM
MGM·Lion 30 Dec 15 - 11:13 AM
gillymor 30 Dec 15 - 01:44 PM
GUEST,Peter from seven stars link 30 Dec 15 - 05:11 PM
Uncle_DaveO 01 Jan 16 - 08:53 AM

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Subject: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 Feb 15 - 09:13 PM

-Mom, why does brother's beak look different?
-I was always afraid you'd ask this... well, don't tell anyone, but your brother is adapted.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: John on the Sunset Coast
Date: 28 Feb 15 - 10:27 PM

Is that another Darwin joke?

One young ostrich says to its sibling upon seeing the mother get up from sitting on a citrus fruit: Look at the orange mama laid.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Don Firth
Date: 01 Mar 15 - 01:37 AM

Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Great food... but no atmosphere.

Don Firth


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 01 Mar 15 - 11:15 AM

Like the menu in the German restaurant - the wurst is yet to come.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 01 Mar 15 - 11:58 AM

A sweet little girl lived with her mother next door to a building site and, feeling a bit lonely, she would stand at the wire fence all day watching the men working.
One day, one of them spotted her and brought her on to the site where they found her an old chair so she could sit and watch them work in comfort.
When she came back the following day, they clubbed together, bought her a pink overall, a pink hard-hat, a pink lunchbox with a few sandwiches in it, and a little pink cup which they filled with lemonade.
At the end of the week they handed her a pink pay-packet with a pound note in it as wages.
She ran home and handed it to her mother, who said, "that's nice dear, will you be working there again next week?"
"It depends on whether those pricks at the builders merchants deliver the blocks on time", she replied.
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Joe_F
Date: 01 Mar 15 - 07:50 PM

Ah, yes. Another little girl was fascinated by the painters who were redecorating her house. At dinner she used some language she had heard from them, and her mother was scandalized. "Those are not words for a young lady to use. Go out and get a switch." "Fuck you, ma, that's an electrician's job."


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Mar 15 - 04:30 AM

A young man training to be a priest was walking around the grounds of the seminary and, coming to a stile, he climbs, trips and lands face down in the mud.
"oh shit!"
"Oh fuck! I said shit".
"Oh shit, I said fuck!"
"Ah bollocks! I didn't want to be a priest anyway".
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Monique
Date: 02 Mar 15 - 05:23 AM

Dawn is getting near. Vampires are back in their crypt. "I haven't had my fill of blood, I must go back" "Don't be a fool, it's too late!" "I'll be quick, just a couples of minutes". A couple of minutes later, he's back, his mouth dripping with blood. "Wow! You were fast! Where did you go?" "See that lamp post over there?" "Yes" "I didn't".


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Mar 15 - 08:13 AM

A visitor being taken around a farm spots a pig with a wooden leg and bursts out laughing.
The farmer turns on him and berates him for mocking the poor animal
"Don't laugh at that pig - it save my life twice. Last year I was coming home having had too much to drink and I fell in the pond - like a shot it jumped in and pulled me out by the collar.
Then a few months later, my tractor overturned in the top field with me under it and that pig ran over, scraped the earth from underneath me and dragged me out - I was in hospital for a month and would have died if it hadn't saved me."
The visitor apologied profusely and asked, " But why has it got a wooden leg?"
"You don't eat an animal like that all in one go!"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Mar 15 - 08:47 AM

While I'm still in a good mood
A younfg man was driving his girl home after a dance when she suggests that they stop somewhere quiet for a while - so he pulls up inside the open gate of a field and they begin kissing and fondling.
After a while he whispers to her, "get in the back" - he replies "no".
They go on doing what they're doing for a while, till he tries again, "get in the back" - same reply, "no".
A third time he tries with the same result, so, in fury and highly frustrated and over-heated, he slams the car into gear and drives her home.
When they arrive at her home, he reaches across and opens the door, still in a fury and she gets out, extremely upset.
"Why didn't you want to get in the back?", he asked, as she walks away.
"I wanted to stay in the front with you", she replied.
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Joe_F
Date: 02 Mar 15 - 05:55 PM

Jim Carroll: Perhaps the most amiable of the dirty-word jokes:
A sailor home on leave enlivened the dinner table by asking someone to pass the goddamn butter. He was so embarrassed that he didn't say a word the rest of the meal. Afterward his mother said, "Don't be crushed. We all know how sailors talk." He said, "I know, Ma, it's just that I'm sure the next time I open my mouth, I'll fuck up again."


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 03 Mar 15 - 04:01 AM

We spent time over a couple of years in London with an elderly traditional singer/dancer who had left his home in County Clare in Ireland as a young man and never returned, but he brought away a whole load of stories and songs which he generously allowed us to record, among them being many dozens of rural 'yarns' which were, in fact reduced folk tales.
"An old farmer and his wife living high up on the Burren, a vast isolated limestone area in North Clare, spent their lives living alone, tending their small farm and doing little else other than when, each Friday, the wife would take the ass and cart into the local town of Lisdoonvarna for necessary supplies; other than that, one day was pretty much the same as another.
One morning, quite uncharacteristically, the farmer's wife carefully made herself, combed her hair, put on her best dress and announced she was going into town.
The farmer thought to himself, "it must be an anniversary or something - maybe my luck's in tonight"
So, when she left, he set about cleaning the house from top to bottom, laying the table with the best crockery and cutlery and placing candles all round the kitchen.
He ended by paying especial attention to the bedroom, where he re-made the bed with the freshest linen, plumped up the pillows, went out to the field and picked a Gentian flower and carefully laid it on top of the bed - again he placed candles around the room to produce a romantic atmosphere.
Just as he was finishing, he happened to look under the bed, where he saw a wooden box he had never seen before, which he took out, placed on the bed and opened, inside he found a wad of paper money, on the of which were neatly set two hens eggs.
When she returned home, he confronted her with the box.
She slumped down in a chair, hung her head and confessed, "I have to tell you Mike, I've been unfaithful to you, and every time I was, I went into the yard, took an egg from under the hen and placed it in the box to remind me not to do it again"
He stood stunned for a minute, then he said, "Well, after thirty years marriage, hard work and living up here alone together, I suppose that the two times you have been unfaithful is understandable, but what's all this money, there must be hundreds of pounds?"
"Well", she said, "whenever the eggs got to a dozen, I took them down into town, sold them to the shop and put the money by for our old age"".
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,DrWord
Date: 03 Mar 15 - 09:30 PM

Jim - Thanks for sharing.

dennis


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 04 Mar 15 - 03:52 AM

You're welcome, plenty more where that came from
From the same source
An old farmer working in his field, jagged his leg on a piece of rusty barbed wire.
He didn't do anything about it and after while it became so painful that he was forced to go to Ennis Hospital - the wound was so bad that they immediately admitted him.
He was told that the leg had become gangrenous and would have to be removed.
After the operation he was visited by his neighbour, who asked how he was.
"Good and bad" he replied.
"How do you mean, good and bad?"
"They operated last night, but they cut the wrong leg off"
"That's terrible."
"Not too bad, the other one's getting better".
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Mar 15 - 06:03 AM

Keep ' em coming, Jim. I've had me owld mum in stitches on the other end of the phone three times already!


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,DTM
Date: 04 Mar 15 - 08:41 AM

To follow Jim's last joke......

(Similar situation)

"The bad news is, sorry, we've cut of the wrong leg".
"But the good news is the guy in the next bed wants to buy your slippers".


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 04 Mar 15 - 09:19 AM

Listoonvana, in North Clare, on the edge of the Burren, holds an annual Matchmaking festival, where elderly farmers come in looking for wives - all good fun nowadays, but at one time, an essential part of rural life here.
One elderly farmer used to come in regularly on his ass and cart for supplies - he lived in a particularly isolated spot along one of the 'Green (undeveloped) roads
On morning, he rode to the town to pick up his necessities, forgetting it was 'Matchmaking day'
He did all his shopping, loaded it up onto the cart, and, as an afterthought, he stopped to 'make a match' with a 'young one' who was standing at the side of the road 'looking for a man'.
They quickly made their bargain and he sits her up on the back of the cart among the flour and potatoes and all the other groceries.
Eventually, they turn off the main road and onto the'Green' road up to his farm.
They hadn't gone half a mile when the poor animal stumbles.
"That's one", says the farmer.
Another mile and the ass stumbles again.
"That's two", he says.
A few miles later the poor beats stumbles again.
That's three" he says, and turning around, he takes an ash plant (club), he walks around to te front of the animal and strikes it a might blow between the eyes, killing it stone dead.
Well - the young one leaps off the cart and lets fly with a mouthful of verbal abuse;
"What did you do that for - the poor animal didn't deserve that - you loaded the cart up far too heavy for a beast that old to manage, and anyway, what are we going to do now - it's getting dark and it looks like its coming on to rain and there's no sign of a house in sight........"
"That's one".
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 04 Mar 15 - 09:32 AM

Then there's the story of a young couple cycling along a road in Kirkby (Liverpool - where I was brought up) on a tandem, when a dog ran out of a block of flats and threw a bucket of water over them
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Don Firth
Date: 04 Mar 15 - 08:51 PM

It was the custom among women of a particular tribe of North American plains Indians that when a pregnant woman's time was due, she would take the skin of large animal, go out into the wilderness, lie down on the skin, and give birth to a new member of the tribe.

On this occasion, in the fullness of time, three women came due at the same time, so the three of them trekked out into the wilderness to have their babies.

One lay down on a buffalo skin, one lay down on a bear skin, and on lay down on a hippopotamus hide.

The one on the buffalo skin gave birth to a baby boy. The one on the bear skin gave birth to a baby girl. The one on the hippopotamus hide gave birth to twins, a boy and a girl.

This proves the Pythagorean theorem that "the squaw on the hippopotamus is equal to the squaws on the other two hides…."

Don Firth


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 04 Mar 15 - 08:55 PM

The squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the SONS of the squaws of the other 2 hides. Get your math right!


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Don Firth
Date: 04 Mar 15 - 09:25 PM

Mrr, nobody likes a smartass.

Don Firth


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 Mar 15 - 11:46 PM

Pedant, pedant (to the Pink Panther tune)


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 05 Mar 15 - 02:59 AM

A couple getting on in years went to the hospital to have their 12th child delivered.
The doctor took the woman aside and said, "Look Mary, you are getting on in years and if you have any more children it will be a serious risk to your health"
"I realise that doctor", she replied, "but the problem is that I'm getting very hard of hearing".
"How do you mean?" he asked.
"Well, when we go to bed at night, he's got into the habit of saying, ""Shall we go to sleep, or what"", I always say ""What?""
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Joe_F
Date: 05 Mar 15 - 06:28 PM

TB or not TB, that is the question. Consumption be done about it? Of coughs, of coughs, but not for a lung, lung time.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 06 Mar 15 - 04:49 AM

Or
I used to be a werewolf, but I'm alright nooooooooooow
or did you here about the leper playing poker and threw his hand in?

Oh dear - said I wasn't going to do this
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 06 Mar 15 - 06:20 AM

A stranger walks into a large village pub and finds the public bar totally empty, but for the noises coming from behind the counter.
He peeps over and finds a barman and a barmaid having it off on the floor.
A little frustrated, he goes into the lounge, again to find it empty except for a barman and a lady customer making 'the beast with two backs' on one of the long seats.
He storms out into the street, only to find two dogs on the pavement, stuck together after a heavy bout of 'the other'
He scoops them up in his arms, walks back into the pub, plonks them down in the bar and calls out, "Eh mate, your sign's fallen down".
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 14 Mar 15 - 03:02 PM

Old: one man's Mede is another man's Persian.
New: one man's fish is another man's poisson.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Joe_F
Date: 14 Mar 15 - 05:26 PM

What happens if you don't pay your exorcist's bill?
You get repossessed.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Gurney
Date: 14 Mar 15 - 06:29 PM

Years ago I used to visit a site just called 'Ass.'
I couldn't read most of it as they used a cyrillic alphabet, but they had an English-language joke page that was hilarious, possibly because they were translated local jokes and not published elsewhere, so I'd never heard them before.
I'd like to find it again, if it still exists.
I've heard most of the jokes coming up here, or variations thereof, after liking jokes for about 65 years.
I just skimmed through everything that came up when I searched for ass.
If anyone knows the site, or a search engine that might help, please tell me.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,#
Date: 26 Mar 15 - 07:45 AM

Rec'd from a friend via email.

'You just have to love little Thelma

Little Thelma comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. And, "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "Will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?"

Thelma's father thinks a bit then says "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?"

"The Isis group," she says.

"Why them," her father asks in shock?

"Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give them a valentine, they might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and then they sent valentines to them, they'd love everyone a lot. And then they'd start going all over the place telling everyone how much they loved them and how they didn't hate anyone anymore."

Her father's heart swells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Thelma, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard."

"I know," Thelma says, "and once that gets them out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of them." '


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mr Red
Date: 27 Mar 15 - 02:46 AM

Gurney
don't think this is the website you thought of but it serve a similar purpose. lonweb.org

Rabinovich fills out a job application form. The official is skeptical: "You stated that you don't have any relatives abroad, but you do have a brother in Israel." / "Yes, but he isn't abroad, I am abroad!"

Since the election of Vladimir Putin, all jokes about Vovochka shall be considered political. "Vovochka" is a diminutive form of Vladimir, creating the "little Johnny" effect

The teacher asks the class to produce a word that starts with the letter "A"; Vovochka happily raises his hand and says "Asshole!" The teacher, shocked, responds "For shame! There's no such word!" "That's strange," says Vovochka, "the asshole exists, but the word doesn't!"


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: gnu
Date: 06 Apr 15 - 01:00 PM

And old geezer, who had been a retired farmer for a long time, became2015-04-06_0752
very bored and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that
said: "Get your treatment for $500, if not cured get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know
beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

This is what transpired.

Dr. Young: — "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth." can you please help me ??
Dr. Geezer: — "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: — Aaagh !! — "This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Doctor Young: "Oh no you don't, — that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak — I can hardly see !!!!

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so — " Here's your $1000 back."

Dr. Young: "But this is only $500…"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story — Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an old "Geezer " !!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,Pete from seven stars link
Date: 06 Apr 15 - 05:36 PM

Good one gnu, made me laugh.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,#
Date: 06 Apr 15 - 07:15 PM

Just in from a friend on email.

A teenager says, "Grandma, have you seen my pill container? It's labelled L.S.D."

Grandma replied, "Forget that. Have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 Apr 15 - 01:09 PM

Dr. to old patient, I have good news and bad news. Patient: What's the good news? Dr: You have Alzheimers. Patient (screams) what's the bad news? Dr: You have AIDS. Patient, relieved: Well, at least I don't have Alzheimers.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 Apr 15 - 01:23 PM

This may be a duplication, but here it is:

"Henpecked?"

Up in Heaven there were two lines: One with a sign that
says, "If you were Henpecked, line up here", the other
saying, "If you weren't henpecked, stand here."

One day St. Peter was looking at the new arrivals, and
he saw the "Henpecked" line going on forever, while the
"Non-henpecked" line only had one guy standing in it.

St. Peter walked up to him and said, "You mean to tell me
you were never henpecked in your whole life?"

The guy said, "Well I guess not; this is where my wife told
me to stand."

and an Oldie but a Goldie:

"Do You Have Control?"

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them were talking
about the amount of control they have over their wives, while
the third remained quiet.

After a while one of the first two turned to the third and
said, "Well, what about you? What sort of control do
you have over your wife?"

The third fellow said, "I'll tell you. Just the other night
my wife came to me on her hands and knees."

The first two guys were amazed. "Wow! What
happened then?" they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered,
"She said, 'Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.'"


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,#
Date: 16 Apr 15 - 02:07 PM

A grandmother was minding her teenage grandson. He walked over to her and said, "Gran, have you seen my 'medication' container? It has LSD written on it." The gran replied, "Forget that. Have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,#
Date: 16 Apr 15 - 02:27 PM

Dang. Old age, aluminium and lack of omega 3 fatty acids Sorry 'bout that.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,Sol
Date: 16 Apr 15 - 03:05 PM

^
      ^
      ^
Anybody on her from Bletchley Park?


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 18 Apr 15 - 12:37 PM

Father and Son Relationship

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons, and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first drink.

Off we went to our local bar, which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it – so I drank it.

Then I got him a Samuel Adams, he didn't like it either, so I drank it.

It was the same with the Coors and the Bud.

By the time we got down to the John Jameson Dublin Irish whiskey,
I could hardly push the stroller back home.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Apr 15 - 04:22 PM

The urge to sing The Lion Sleeps Tonight is never more than a whim away, a whim away...

(ducking and running for cover)


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,#
Date: 20 Apr 15 - 05:33 PM

You hear about the guy with a premature ejaculation problem? He came out of nowhere.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,#
Date: 20 Apr 15 - 06:41 PM

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Hamish
Date: 21 Apr 15 - 11:36 AM

People in Dubai don't like The Flintstones. But those in Abu Dhabi do.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST
Date: 22 Apr 15 - 10:11 AM

Probably all of us can understand this frustration!


Please enter your new password:

"cabbage"

Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.

"boiled cabbage"

Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.

"1 boiled cabbage"

Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.

"50bloodyboiledcabbages"

Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.

"50BLOODYboiledcabbages"

Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.

"50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArse,IfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessnow"

Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.

"ReallyPissedOff50BloodyBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYourArseIfYouDontGiveMeAccessnow"

Sorry, that password is already in use.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,gillymor
Date: 22 Apr 15 - 10:14 AM

LOL


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,#
Date: 23 Apr 15 - 01:55 PM

"Not Much Assurance About Insurance
CALL CENTER | KANSAS CITY, KS, USA | CRAZY REQUESTS, EXTRA STUPID, TRANSPORTATION

(I work for a call center for a nationally known insurance company handling investigations for claims filed on policies that are no longer active.)

Me: "Hello, I'm calling from [Company] regarding the claim you filed for your auto accident. Am I speaking to [Customer]?"

Customer: "Yes."

Me: "Good afternoon, I was calling to discuss your policy with you. Your claim was filed for an accident that happened yesterday, however it looks like your policy with us ended last year."

Customer: "What do you mean, it ended? I thought I had insurance with you guys!"

Me: "Well, according to our records, your policy expired in June of last year and you never sent in a payment to restart your policy when we sent you our offer to renew."

Customer: "So?"

Me: "Since you didn't ever send in a payment, then your policy wouldn't restart."

Customer: "What do you mean? I never knew I had to send in a payment!"

Me: "Well, let me check on something. Is your address [address on file]?"

Customer: "Yes."

Me: "Was that your address last year as well?"

Customer: "Yes."

Me: "I am showing that we sent the offer to that address. Do you recall if you received anything from us?"

Customer: "Yeah, I used to get things from you guys all the time, but then they just stopped."

Me: "Well, did you read any of them?"

Customer: "No! Why would I read your junk mail? I'm already a customer!"

Me: "That wasn't junk mail! That was your policy paperwork and your bill."

Customer: "How was I supposed to know that?"

Me: "The envelope says on the outside that there is important information inside pertaining to your policy and even says on the back to not discard the letter until you've read it."

Customer: "I don't pay attention to any of that; it's all junk mail. You're just trying to get me to buy new things!"

Me: "In this case, we were trying to prevent your policy from ending."

Customer: "Why didn't you say something to me?"

Me: "We did! In fact, we send the first notice two months out to give you a warning that the policy is going to end soon, then another one a month out giving you a 30 day notice…Then we sent one after it ended to remind you to purchase new insurance or to contact us to restart your policy with us. I also show that your agent called you twice before it ended to see if you wanted to come by his office to pay it."

Customer: "Well, I never got any of them!"

Me: "You just told me that you had, but you didn't read them."

Customer: "I didn't! So, I never got them, because I didn't know that's what they were!"

Me: "I'm sorry… but you're saying that because you threw away our letters reminding you to pay that it means you never got them?"

Customer: "Exactly! I shouldn't have to read mail from you guys. You should just tell me when I need to pay something!"

Me: "We did… like I said, your agent also called you. Did you get his calls?"

Customer: "I was busy, so I never called him back."

Me: "And this was all a year and a half ago. Your insurance card says that the policy period would end."

Customer: "I thought it was just old, but that you'd send me a new one."

Me: "If you don't open our mail, how would we send you a new one?"

Customer: "By CALLING me first and telling me you were sending it."

Me: "But you hadn't paid, and you weren't returning the agent's calls!"

Customer: "So? It's not my fault that you guys don't know how to get it to me!"

Me: "I'm sorry, sir, but we're not going to be able to cover this. You haven't had insurance with us for almost a year and a half. You've confirmed that you got our mail, you got the agent's calls, and you never responded. You've not been paying insurance with us."

Customer: "And?"

Me: "So, we're going to be denying this. I suggest you contact your agent if you want to restart your policy, but we cannot do anything for this accident."

Customer: "So what about my car? Can I get it fixed now?"

(Face to desk.)"

from

http://notalwaysright.com/


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,#
Date: 29 Apr 15 - 01:22 AM

Saw this one on FB.


After Monday and Tuesday, even the calendar says W T F.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Don Firth
Date: 29 Apr 15 - 01:39 AM

Seen scrawled on a wall in the men's room of a tavern back sometime in the '60s:

"In case of nuclear attack,
dive under the urinal.
It hasn't been hit yet!"

Don Firth


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,Pete from seven stars link
Date: 29 Apr 15 - 01:09 PM

Nice one don.   Reminds me of signs I used to see in cafés.   ....if the floor is full, please do not hesitate to use the ash tray...


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Joe Offer
Date: 29 Apr 15 - 04:22 PM

Well, this isn't really a joke - it's an actual entry from the Parish Bulletin of my Catholic church:

Wed. 4/15:
    6:30 PM: Bingo
    7:00 PM: Gamblers Anonymous
My wife and I about died laughing, but we don't have the heart to point this out to the woman who makes the schedule. Looks like we have those same activities scheduled every Wednesday nowadays. I stay away from the church on Wednesday nights - those bingo ladies can be mean...

-Joe-


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Apr 15 - 07:35 PM

A bit rude this one, but talk of graffiti on the walls of gents' toilets reminded me of this, seen on the wall of the gents in the Queen Vic, Loughton, in about 1980:

"Linda Lovelace has the nicest teeth I've ever come across."


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,gillymor
Date: 29 Apr 15 - 09:24 PM

Note found on the windshield of a parked car:

I just hit your car. People are milling about watching me. They think that I'm leaving you my name and address. They are wrong.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Don Firth
Date: 30 Apr 15 - 09:22 PM

As Joe indicates, church bulletins are often a rich mine of some real doozies. Example:
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m.
Please use the back door.
Uh...yeah, that helps a lot....

Don Firth


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Don Firth
Date: 30 Apr 15 - 09:34 PM

Another gem I first saw on a men's room wall in a local tavern. It's and old one and has adorned many such walls, but it's a classic:

"To be is to do." --Aristotle

"To do is to be." --Jean-Paul Sartre

"To be or not to be?" --Shakespeare

"Do be do be do…" --Frank Sinatra
Don Firth


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: frogprince
Date: 30 Apr 15 - 10:08 PM

Not exactly from the church bulletin...a friend was serving his internship from seminary at a little conservative country church, they put an announcement in the local paper, and someone typoed; it was supposed to be a potluckdinner.

Men's room wisdom? from a pizza place near Northwestern University, thirty-some years ago: first handwriting:"The pizza here is lousy"; second handwriting: "I'd rather eat the waitress"; third handwriting: "I did; the pizza tastes better".


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 01 May 15 - 06:22 AM

Since we are into loo-wall graffiti; I once found the following two verses on the walls of adjacent cubicles in the Gents' at Cambridge Circus:-

One would think for all this wit
That Shakespeare had been here to shit
And after all that might be true
For Shakespeare had an arsehole too
.,,.

A man's ambition must be small
To write his name upon this wall
For even Shakespeare did not write
When he sat down to have a shite


Now that's what you might call a literary controversy, innit eh?

≈M≈


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,gillymor
Date: 01 May 15 - 07:35 AM

Spotted above a urinal at eye level:

Don't look up here, the joke is in your hand.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Musket
Date: 01 May 15 - 08:17 AM

I did actually see this on a bog wall somewhere many yonks ago.

If music be the food of love, play on
Shakespeare

Fuck
DH Laurence.


I may have seen but there again may have read elsewhere

Some come here to sit and think
Others come to shit and stink.


On the almost Shakespeare quote, I forget how many wannabe comics in folk clubs contrived this into a song introduction ;

If music be the food of love
Why don't Rabbits sing like buggery?


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Louie Roy
Date: 01 May 15 - 08:05 PM

Johnny was told to write a poem about a bug or roach and this what he wrote as I was going down the hall I saw a cockroach run up the wall. His teacher said very good Johnny but leave the cock out. Now try it again. This is what he wrote as I was going down the hall I saw a roach run up the wall with his cock out


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,#
Date: 01 May 15 - 08:54 PM

I didn't see this one in real life but did read about it in a graffiti book. Seems three writers were involved.

I like grils.

You mean girls!

What about us grils?


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: BillOC
Date: 01 May 15 - 08:55 PM

On their first date, the young man took his girl to the fair.
"What would you like to do?" he asked.
"I want to get weighed," was her reply.
So they went to the booth where a man could "Guess your Weight and Height, $1."
He correctly guessed she was 5 foot 4 inches, and weighed 105 pounds.
Next the boy took her to the merry-go-round, then asked "What would you like to do now?"
Her reply, "I want to get weighed."
Back to the booth they went, and found that she was still 5 foot 4, and 105 pounds.
"Would you like to try some of the fair food?" he asked.
"No, I want to get weighed,' she replied.
Frustrated, he dragged her back to his car, sped to her home, and cast her out. Then he sped away.
"How was your date?" her mom asked.
"Wousey!"


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: frogprince
Date: 02 May 15 - 11:30 AM

I lived in Chicago for some years, and was a member of the Fort Dearborn Chicago Camera Club. The Club rented space in a State Street office building. I went in the john down the hall one evening and found:

"I'm 24, and have 19 inches; phone...."
"I'm 19, and have 24 inches; phone...."

"Fort Dearborn Camera Club can use two tripods; apply in suite 904".


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Louie Roy
Date: 02 May 15 - 12:17 PM

It was rumored that Rastus had 14 inches and Mrs Murphy decided to go over to his house and confront him. She said Rastus I heard you had 4 4 4 goodness sakes


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 May 15 - 01:09 PM

This is supposed to be true, but I've never believed it.
My father was a navvy and, because he wasn't afraid to speak his mind he was given the job as spokesman for the men - his main job was to try and get the appalling toilet facilities on the sites improved.
The system in those days was, when a site started up they would dig a large pit, place an oildrum at either end and put a plank stretching across to sit on - then they would lower a hut over it.
When the pit was full, they would lift the hut off with a crane, fill in the pit and go and dig another one somewhere else on the site.
My dad used to tell the story of when he went into one of these huts and found one of his workmates in the pit, up to his knees in the mess, with one arm fishing round underneath, obviously looking for something.
"What are you doing Tommy?"
"To tell the truth Jimmy, I came in, took my jacket off, hung it over the plank and began to do what I came in to do when my jacket fell in".
"For crying out loud, you can't possibly wear it again after it's been in there".
"I know that, but my sandwiches are in the pocket."
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Don Firth
Date: 02 May 15 - 02:55 PM

Two guys were amusing themselves and each other by coming up the various charades and trying to stump each other. One of the two kept solving the charades consistently, so the other decided he had to come up with a really elaborate one.

He hired sixteen strippers and had them partially disrobe, stand in a row in a specific sequence, and face specified directions. The first was bare from the waist up and faced the front. The second was bare from the waist down with her posterior to the front. The next two pairs of women were the same, and the next two had their posteriors to the front. The next eight women lined up in an identical pattern.

"It's a piece of music," he said to his opponent. "Can you guess what it is?"

His opponent studied the line-up for about a minute, then he said, "AHA!! I've GOT it! It's the 'William Tell Overture!'"

The first guy smacked himself in the forehead and said, "You're right. But how did you figure it out?"

"Easy," said the other guy. "It's obvious.
Titty-rump titty-rump titty-rump-rump-rump,
Titty-rump titty-rump titty-rump-rump-rump!!"
Don Firth


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 May 15 - 03:13 PM

Young couple go out on their first date, find a secluded spot and after a while things began to get passionate.
"If things are going to go any further", she says, you're going to have to wear one".
"Wear one what? he says.
"You know" she says.
"Don't know what you're talking about", he says.
So she explains to him what's needed.
"Where am I going to get one of them things this time of night?" he says.
"You're in luck", she says, "I always carry one in my handbag in case of an emergency".
She takes one out and hands it to him.
"What do I do with this? he asks.
Rolling her eyes up in frustration, she takes it out of the wrapping and demonstrates by rolling it down her thumb.
"Right", he says, and back to the job in hand.
After a while she says, "are you sure you've got it on properly, I'm all wet?.
"Sure, look", he says, sticking his thumb up.
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Louie Roy
Date: 02 May 15 - 03:58 PM

A lady went into a grocery store to buy some onions and after looking through the produce section she asked the manager where the onions were and he said I don't have any. She became very irate attacking the owner a grocery store with no onions and he told her as soon as he got through with his customer he would explain to her
He said lady if you take the car out of carrots what do you have and she said rot, and if you take the to out of tomatoes what do you have and she said matoes, and if you take the fuck out of onions what do you have and she said there ain't no fuck in onions and he said lady that's what I've been trying to tell you there ain't No Fucking Onions


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 03 May 15 - 03:24 PM

somewhat dubious one
A new barman gets a job in a pub next door to a day-centre for the deaf and dumb.
The Governor takes him through all his duties and teaches him the signs for all the drinks - crossed hands - pint of beer, two fingers three inches above one another - small whiskey, - four inches above each other - large whiskey... etc.
Rather nervous, he makes a start on the first morning - and flies it.... not a single mistake during the entire day.
Come closing time at three oclock, he goes into the crowded bar to call "time" - total silence, but every single customer is standing or sitting and swinging their hands up to shoulder height in perfect rhythm with each other.
Puzzled, he walks into the lounge, only to find that exactly the same is happening - silence, but all hands being swung up and down in rhythm.
In a panic, he seeks out the Governor and explains what's happening.
"Oh shit" says the Governor, "we'll never get them home now they've started to sing".
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST
Date: 05 May 15 - 11:25 AM

Two crows: attempted murder.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 May 15 - 03:55 PM

THREE LITTLE DUCKS WADDLE INTO A BAR

Three little ducks waddle into a bar. 

"Good afternoon!" the bartender says to the first duck. "What's your name?"

"Huey," says the first duck.

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day.  Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "And what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."

"Good afternoon!" the bartender says to the first duck. "What's your name?"

"How's your day been, Huey?"

"Great. Lovely day.  Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.

"That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "And what's your name?"

"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.

"So how's your day been, Dewey?" he asked.

"Great. Lovely day. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"

"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles."


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Don Firth
Date: 06 May 15 - 12:25 AM

...Is there an echo in here, or am I missing something...?

Don Firth


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,CrazyEddie
Date: 06 May 15 - 06:59 AM

But Duck quacks don't echo!



(Yes, I know that has been debunked, but how could I resist?)


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 May 15 - 12:55 PM

A farmer noticed one morning that one of his cows was cross-eyed, so he called in his veterinarian. The veterinarian asked the farmer for a length of hose. He put one end of the hose up the cow's ass, and blew hard into the other end. Sure enough, the cow's eyes straightened out right away.

The next week, however, the cow was cross-eyed again. "Hell," said the farmer, "No point in paying the vet again; now I know what to do." So he repeated the treatment, but this time it was unsuccessful. So he called the vet, who arrived promptly & studied the situation. He pulled the hose out of the cow, put the other end in, and then blew. Sure enough, it worked.

"Why did you have to use the other end?" asked the farmer. "Hell," said the veterinarian, "I didn't want to use the end you'd had in your mouth."

-- Reminds me, vaguely, of a very old insult, I think by Martial, which might be translated freely:

It isn't good manners to toast without passing the cup,
But, seeing it's you, I suppose you're just being considerate.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 May 15 - 01:11 PM

I am reminded of that story by Doc Watson, about a Baptist, a Quaker, and a recalcitrant cow...


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST, DTM
Date: 06 May 15 - 08:36 PM

"Two crows: attempted murder"

Took me two days to get it....duh!
Ha ha VG :-)


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 May 15 - 10:11 PM

Mrrzy: What story is that? I am reminded, in turn, of Grim Grizzle & her recalcitrant cow.

DTM: I still don't get it. %^(


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 07 May 15 - 03:00 AM

A mouse was making his way though a forest when he came across an elephant pinned to the ground by a rotting tree branch which had fallen on its trunk - it had been there for several days and was in a pretty bad way.
The mouse set-to with a vengeance, scraping and burrowing under the branch for a long-long time, until at last, the elephant was able to drag itself free.
Overcome with gratitude, the elephant profusely thanked the mouse and told him that anything it could possibly do in return, it was there for the asking.
The mouse looked a little embarrassed, and finally said; "to tell you the truth, as stupid as it may sound, I've always wanted to make love to an elephant".   
"No problem", says the elephant.
So they sat down, worked out how it was going to be done, and made a start.
They hadn't been at it for a minute or so, when another huge rotten tree branch broke and smacked the elephant squarely across the head - she let out a might roar.
"I'm sorry", said the mouse, "was I being too rough?"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 07 May 15 - 06:41 AM

A zebra goes on an exchange visit to an English farm and on her arrival, she goes around finding out about each of the different animals.
She meets a pig - "who are you and what do you do?"
"I'm a pig - the farmer fattens me up all my life and when I die, I'm sent off to be slaughtered and my meat feeds people and my skin is used to make useful things".
Next, a chicken - "I'm a chicken - a lay eggs every morning and when I die, my meat is used for food and my feathers are used to make bedding".
As sheep; "I'm a sheep, I'm a sheep and I eat grass and the farmer regularly cuts my wool to make clothes, and when I die my meat feeds people and my skin is taken o make coats".   
A cow - "I'm a cow and I'm milked every morning, and when I die, my skin is used to make leather and my meat feeds people".
Finally, the zebra trots off to the meadow to eat some grass, and in the corner of the field she sees an enormous great bull.
She trots over and says, "I suppose you're another cow?"
The bull turns around and glowers, "Feck off", he says, "I'm a bull"
"What do you do?"
"Get those feckin' pyjamas off and I'll show you".
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 07 May 15 - 08:33 AM

A woman living alone except for her old tom cat at the top of a house - every night, the same, read the paper, watch television, go to bed alone.
One night, after an exceptionally bad run of television programmes, she is preparing to go to bed and she lets out a loud sigh - "I wish I had someone to keep me company".
A passing Fairy Godmother hears her wish, points her magic wand and, FLASH - her tom cat turns into a handsome young man.
Delighted, she sits him down and tells him to make himself comfortable, then she races to the kitchen, prepares him a meal, sets the table for two, with candles and wine, and eventually, calls him in to eat.
They sit down to eat the delicious meal, open the wine and finish the bottle, then they relax on the sofa.
"Wouldn't it be nice", she said, "if we were now to go to bed and make passionate love".
"It would", he says. "Isn't it a pity you sent me to the vet to have that operation?"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 May 15 - 08:42 AM

OK, so, the Quaker had a cow that every morning, when he milked her, managed to kick over the bucket when it was almost full. One morning the Quaker just loses it when she spills all that new milk, and he says Bossie, now, I can't strike thee, but on the morrow I'll sell thee to a Baptist, and he'll kick the **** out of thee!


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,DTM
Date: 07 May 15 - 09:31 AM

For JoeF:
The collective noun for crows is "A Murder Of Crows"


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Don Firth
Date: 07 May 15 - 08:25 PM

An amateur acting company decided to put on a Shakespeare festival in hopes that it might become an annual event. They spend most of their meagre resources on sets and costumes, but they justified that expenditure by assuming that they could reuse them.

But they forgot about publicity—and posters – until their funds were all but gone. They could get some free publicity by asking local radio stations to put on public service announcements.

And one of their company volunteered to come up with a design for an inexpensive poster they could have distributed.

They forgot, however, that this particular volunteer had a penchant for double entendres and was absolutely obsessed with sex.

He presented them with a design that would be economical to print. He condensed the titles:
3"         6"          9"
Wet                Dry
    Miscarriage
They stared at the poster, then said "We don't get it. How are people supposed to know what plays we have lined up?"

"Isn't it obvious?" he says, and explains:
3" = Much Ado about Nothing.
6" = As You Like It.
9" = The Taming of the Shrew.
Wet = A Midsummer Night's Dream
Dry = Twelfth Night.
Miscarriage = Love's Labours Lost.
Don Firth


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 May 15 - 09:01 PM

A boy and a girl were sitting on a fence, watching a cow and a bull.
Boy (shily): "I wish I was a-doing that."
Girl (shrugs): "It's your cow."


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 08 May 15 - 03:07 AM

Same theme
A priest cycling along country lane, meets a little girl leading a cow along by a rope
"Where are you going Mary?"
"Taking the cow to the bull father"
"That's not a suitable job for someone your age to be doing, can't your father do it"
"No father, the bull has to do it".
Jim carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: frogprince
Date: 08 May 15 - 09:34 AM

Men look at boobs for the same reason that women look at puppies in cages. We just want to set them free and play with them.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 08 May 15 - 11:00 AM

Rumours of an earthquake on the Isles of Scilly are proved to be unfounded.

The source of the tremors is now known to be Harold Wilson turning in his grave.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 09 May 15 - 05:47 AM

A mother is taking her daughter around Parc Zoologique de Paris, when they come across an elephant on heat
The little girl points to the enormous waving penis, "Mummy, what's that".
"It's nothing dear".
A Frenchman standing next to the and says, "Madame is bláse"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 09 May 15 - 05:57 AM

This - from melodion player Bob Cann of Devon.

A6 THE LION TAMER
Bob Cann South Tawton, Devon, England
There was this farmworker, you see, out on Dartmoor. He had seven kids, poor sod. Just down the road was another bloke; he had seven kids. The only difference between the two, the bloke down the road was on the dole, the social security, and he was picking up more money than this poor sod working on the farm.
So one day he thought to himself, "If I had the sack, I should be better off." So when he went to work Monday morning the farmer set him out in the field spreading heaps of dung and he went to sleep beside hayrick. This went on with three or four days, you see. So one afternoon the farmer thought he would go and see how he was getting on. When he gets out to the other one, a heap of dung had been spread and he found him asleep. So he kick him in the boots and woke him up and told him to come in and get his cards. So he went in and got his cards.
But the trouble was, you see, the next day he had to go to the labour exchange to sign on. And on the way in, he thought to himself, "Well, I must be clever here, because if I say I'm ... he'll sure to ask me what my occupation is, and if I say I'm a farmworker, there's plenty of farm work about and he'll put me on a farm again."
So off he goes into the office, the bloke behind the office, and he looks up and he says, "Good morning, what can I do for you?"
He says "I'm come in to sign on."
"Oh yes," the bloke said. "In case a job comes up for you, what's your occupation?"
"Oh," he said, "I'm a liontamer."
The bloke said, "What a coincidence," he said. "Yesterday the circus moved into town and the liontamer got mauled by a lion and he's in hospital. Here's your green card, and you go down and take the job."
Couldn't do nothing about it so away he goes down. When he gets there, there was the ringmaster outside the ... outside the cage, you see, and the old bloke was shaking like hell.
And he said, "Well," he said, "I don't think I shall be any good with this job because I can see they lions don't know me, they don't like me."
"Oh," he said, "you'll get used to it after a few mauls and scratches."
"Well," he said, "you'll have to tell me what to do."
Well the old bloke said, the old ringmaster said, "That's easy," he said. "All you do," he says, "you put your hand down, catch hold of a lump of meat," he said, "and throw in over the cage." He said, "You slide open the cage door," he said, "and make sure to slide the cage door shut behind thee," he said, "and make sure never to take your eyes off a lion else he'll have 'ee."
"Oh Christ," he said. "I've got to do..."
"Oh yes," he said.
"Well," he said, "what do I do then?"
Well he said, "You creep over," he said, "grab the meat and pull it away from the lion."
"Christ," he said. "What the hell do I do then?"
"Well," he said, "you'll find the lion coming towards thee, very gently. Then he's a-just about to pounce at 'ee."
"Well," he said, "what the hell do I do then?"
"Well," he said, "you go backwards," he said, "and you'll finish with your back up against the cage," he said, "and just before the lion's going to jump, pounce at thee," he said, "you keep your eye on the lion," he said, "but put your hand down," he said, "pick up a lump of dung and throw it right in his face."
"Oh," he said, "oh," he said, "no, oh," he said, "that's all right," he said, "but suppose there ain't no dung down there?"
He said, "There will be."


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Joe_F
Date: 09 May 15 - 07:45 PM

So also: When Napoleon invaded Russia, he wore a red shirt, so that in case he was wounded, his men wouldn't notice.

When Hitler invaded Russia, he wore brown pants.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 10 May 15 - 09:07 AM

Bound to upset somebody:
A trainee priest decides to have a taste of the world so he goes into Soho and finds a woman.
Back in her flat they undress, but when she sees how well he's endowed, she backs off - sorry father, that'll put me out of business for a few weeks".
"I understand" he says, and leaves.
He picks up another woman and the same thing happens, "Sorry - couldn't manage that".
Eventually he finds another willing woman and when they get back to her room he says, "would you mind if we turned the light off first?"
"No problem father, I understand, you being a priest and all that".
They get into bed, and she says, "You know, when I saw you were a priest I thought you were going to give me a lecture on JAY-SUS
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 10 May 15 - 01:45 PM

"How much?" said the young man
"£250," replied the woman on the corner.
"I'll make it £500 if you'll do it my way."
"No, sorry; but I don't go in for that sort of stuff. Try one of the other girls."

Then, overcome with curiosity: "Anyhow, what is your way?"

"One pound down and twenty-five pence a week."

≈M≈


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 May 15 - 06:34 PM

Kids in Church

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus's mother's name?"

One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus's father's name was?"

A little kid said, "Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about 'Verge n' Mary.'"

- - -

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

- - -

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo.

I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail...."

- - -

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 10 May 15 - 06:36 PM

Kids in Church

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, "What was Jesus's mother's name?"

One child answered, "Mary."

The teacher then asked, "Who knows what Jesus's father's name was?"

A little kid said, "Verge."

Confused, the teacher asked, "Where did you get that?"

The kid said, "Well, you know they are always talking about 'Verge n' Mary.'"

- - -

After the christening of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.

His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied, "That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, and I wanted to stay with you guys."

- - -

I had been teaching my three-year old daughter, Caitlin, the Lord's Prayer for several evenings at bedtime, she would repeat after me the lines from the prayer. Finally, she decided to go solo.

I listened with pride as she carefully enunciated each word right up to the end of the prayer: "Lead us not into temptation," she prayed, "but deliver us some E-mail...."

- - -

A wife invited some people to dinner. At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said, "Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said, "Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Joe_F
Date: 10 May 15 - 08:37 PM

An Australian sailor was ashore in San Francisco, and he soon happened on a lady who met his advances more than half way. When they reached her lodgings, she went to powder her nose, and when she came back she found that her customer had piled all the furniture in one corner of the room. "What did you do that for?" she asked. Said he, "Well, I'm from outback and I don't know much about this woman business, but if it's anything like kangaroos, we'll need all the room we can get."


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 May 15 - 08:48 PM

"A wife", uncle Dave? Heheh...


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 11 May 15 - 02:52 AM

Young Australian man gets a job shearing sheep miles from the nearest town - he gets on fine except for the lack of female company
After a while he begins to ask around - "what do you do for women around here?" and receives the same the same answer, "No women, here's only the sheep".
He dismisses the idea, but eventually comes around to it out of desperation, and asks how he goes about it.
They explain that he just climbs into the pen, picks the one that takes his fancy and does "what a man's gotta do".
"but won't everyone laugh at me?"
"Nah - how do you think the rest of us manage?"
So one evening after work, he showers, spruces himself up goes out, picks a sheep and gets down to the job in hand.
Half way through, he turns to see all his mates lined up along the fence doubled up with laughter - he is furious.
"There", he said, I knew you'd laugh at me; I thought you said you all did it".
"We do, but why did you have to pick the ugliest one?"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 11 May 15 - 03:33 AM

Similar theme
A small, tatty circus touring the small villages and towns of the West Country relies as its main feature, a magnificent gorilla - people flock for miles around to see him parade around the enclosure, beat his chest, roar and display his manliness.
One morning they go to feed him, only to find him sitting in the corner of the cage, head down and refusing to take his food.
The manager panics - "What are we going to do - we have little else to draw the crowds in - a few sad clowns and a couple of clumsy acrobats - we're in real trouble"
So they call in the vet who tells them, "I can't find anything wrong, he seems in the best of health. I would suggest that he is just missing female company".
So after some thought, they set off for the nearest town, purchase a female gorilla suit and look around for somebody prepared to put it on, and climb in the cage with the patient.
Eventually they find a man so down on his luck and not caring what he would do to earn it - they take him back to the site and explain what he has to do - they tell him that, despite his apparent fierceness, he is in fact, a very gentle creature "But just in case things get out of hand, we'll have six of our strongest men standing by to prevent him from harming you".
Fine, he is introduced to 'your man' - he takes a closer look and says, "O.K, but he's very ugly - how am I going to get in the mood?".
"We'll tell you what, we'll put a mask on to make him look more attractive.
Into the cage, the gorilla tentatively shambles over and sniffs, sits down next to him (David Attenborough style) and begins to stroke and fondle the man.
Things begin to warm up until suddenly the man leaps back and starts screaming, "Take it off, take it off!!"
The six bouncers leap into the cage and start to drag off the gorilla.
"No, no" says the man, "take the mask off - I want to kiss it".
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 11 May 15 - 03:01 PM

A South Wales miners story from the 1950s.
Three retired Welsh miners sitting on park bench discussing how they would like to end their days,
The youngest of the trio, a mere 70 years old, said, "well, I've been watching these young fellers driving around in fast cars and I think I'd choose to get into one, drive through the village at 50 - 60 - 70 miles per hour, right through and out the other side, off the road and into a tree - that's the way I'd like to go".
The second, aged 75, thought a minute and finally said, "Well, I've been reading about these here Sputniks - I think that's how I'd like to finish my days; up into the air, one hundred miles, two hundred, three hundred, then up among the stars - that's where I'd like to end it all".
THere was total silence for a few minutes, then one of them torned to the eldest, just coming up to 90, "You're very quiet David; how would you like to go?"
"Well boys", he said, I have to say I'm very disappointed with your lack of ambition".
"What do you mean - how would you like to end your days?"
"I'd like to be shot by a jealous husband".
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Musket
Date: 12 May 15 - 05:39 AM

100


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,#
Date: 22 May 15 - 12:32 PM

Just saw the following on Facebook posted by a fellow named Jim Davis.


A husband went to the sheriff's department to report
that his wife was missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Color of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don't remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my truck.

Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?

Husband: Brand new 2015 Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has a custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and "Bubba" floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders, and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the driver's door. At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don't worry buddy. We'll find your truck.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: frogprince
Date: 26 May 15 - 08:17 PM

Why they started calling 'em Boobs:

    B: that's what they look like, looking down on them.
    OO: There's the frontal view.
    b: And there's the side view.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 May 15 - 09:26 AM

The Purina Diet

Definitely NOT for the easily offended, so if that's you, move on....
-----

A friend of mine has a huge Labrador Retriever. It eats a lot, and we went to the store to buy a large bag of dog food. We were in line to check out and a woman behind him asked if he had a dog.

The "what a moron!" look on my buddy's face was priceless, and I knew what it meant: he was going to toy with her. He told her that no, he was starting The Purina Diet again although he probably shouldn't -- he said he had ended up in the hospital last time, but that he'd lost 50 pounds before he awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of his orifices and IVs in both arms.

He told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. He said that the food is nutritionally complete so he was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with his story, particularly a big tall guy who was behind the woman who asked about dog-ownership.

Horrified, she asked why he ended up in the hospital: had the Purina made him sick? He told her no, he'd been sitting in the middle of the street licking his balls and a car hit him.

The woman turned fire-engine red, and I helped the tall guy up off the floor.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 08 Jun 15 - 01:39 AM

True exchange between my twins - I laughed so hard I cried and almost couldn't see the road. We drove past an industrial park with a zillion Pepsi trucks in it.
Wil: Is that a Pepsi plant?
Tim: Of course not, silly! Pepsi doesn't grow on trees!


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Jun 15 - 09:48 PM

Another true one: I asked one of my kids (who combs his beard a lot) if he was vain - he laughed No... Have you *seen* me?


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Andrez
Date: 14 Jun 15 - 07:57 AM

Computer Haiku

The Web site you seek
cannot be located,
but countless more exist.

Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent, and reboot.
Order shall return.

Cheers,

Andrez


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 14 Jun 15 - 11:04 AM

"True exchange"
Liverpool schoolteacher Peter Maloney specialised in stories he heard from his pupils he used to teach at a school not far from Childwall Abbey, in South Liverpool
Two kids on their dinner break were walking along the street past the Abbey when they met one of the monks - long grey beard, shaven head, grey robe down to the ground
"Eh father, were you in the Ark?"
"Of course I wasn't, you cheeky lout".
"Why weren't you drowned then?
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,Pete from seven stars link
Date: 14 Jun 15 - 02:32 PM

That reminds me of the story of the teacher who loved to mock pupils faith. He said it was impossible for a whale to swallow a man, and that man survive. Little Lucy replied    " well when I get to heaven, I,ll ask Jonah ".       " what if he went to hell," the teacher jeered " .   "Well" said Lucy "then you can ask him"


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Don Firth
Date: 14 Jun 15 - 06:32 PM

A couple of monks decided to go into business to earn some money to help maintain the monastery. They opened up a fish and chips shop.

One of their customers, fancying himself as a wit, asked the monk who was serving him, "(Snicker snicker) I suppose you are the fish friar?"

"Well, no," responded the brother, "that's my partner. I'm the chip monk."

Don Firth


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Jun 15 - 06:39 PM

Autocorrect is my worst enema.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,Pete from seven stars link
Date: 16 Jun 15 - 05:35 PM

.....glad you got that out your system, mrrzy!


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,#
Date: 16 Jun 15 - 06:42 PM

It always works out in the end, Pete.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Jul 15 - 05:53 PM

Canada: The US of eh,?


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Jul 15 - 09:19 PM

The year2015 is more than half over and we have far less than 16,000 posts, Lets pick up the pace folks


Mrrzy along a similar vein it was 2:30 in the morning in the hospital when the elevator door opened. The weary new and exhausted mother asked her husband 'what floor is this?" Her bleary husband said "linoleum".


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Jul 15 - 03:00 PM

An elderly parishioner goes to the vicar and asks him will he marry him and his widowed neighbour.
The vicar agrees; "I'll read the banns next Sunday, but the wedding will have to wait until I return from my holiday".
On his return, he is visited by the old man again.
"Does it matter if I marry somebody else, I've changed my mind?"
"Of course not" said the vicar, "it's just as well you made up your mind in time".
"You don't understand; will it cost me any more?"
"Well" said the vicar, "I'll have to read the banns again, so you'll have to pay for that again".
The old man thought for a minute; "Leave it same as 'twas", he said.
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Jul 15 - 04:28 PM

This week Safeway started selling packs of Popits for the 4th of July.

While nobody likes free Comedians Dan figured his pranks and jokes
were best served up to enjoy himself without the blowback of getting
caught. At work in the Flood Plain management division of the Coast
Guard Dan carefully stretched the plastic to open his pack of popits
so they wouldn't go off in his hand. Rebecca was always easily
startled and Dan was already in trouble for overdoing his scare
tactics with "Becca" . He threw a couple popits behind Becca's desk
and onto the carpet. nothing. So tossed one onto Ben's desk since he
was out today. Nothing but it went right into a cup of old coffee.

This time he aimed for the window with the3 air conditioning vents
right below. BAM BAMBAM BAM some went off half way down the vents
that acted like a megaphone. Rebecca went off like a scary movie
scream. Now practiced Dan did two more. BAM. Rebecca is also
practiced and called 9-11 like the last time the Navy Yard had a
shooter in the cafeteria.


It was 3 hours before the shelter in place warning was rescinded.

For Dan reassuring Becca was more promising than than he ever
anticipated and finally wrangled his first daate with here.


His fortune cookie at Fuket read "tiny fireworks yield big results".




True story except for cookie. The Chinese restaurant name is also true in the DC area.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Jul 15 - 05:10 PM

Jim, I am reminded of the old Irish couple, the old woman finally dies, and after the wake the pallbearers staggered erratically out of the house and in exiting the garden, bashed the coffin into the gatepost. Well, then there was banging from inside the coffin, and lo and behold, she isn't dead after all. Lives another 10 years, in fact, and after the next wake, as the pallbearers weave drunkenly down the path you hear the old man cry...

Careful at the gate, boys, careful at the gate!


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 02 Jul 15 - 06:32 PM

A driver was approaching an intersection when the traffic signal turned from green to yellow. Ordinarily, he would have blown on through the yellow light, but he glanced in his rearview mirror and saw the light bars of a police cruiser two cars back, so he stopped. The driver directly behind him, who had not noticed the cop car behind him, was running late for work and became furious when the first driver stopped. He began blowing his horn and leaned out his window screaming, "What the hell's wrong with you, you fucking idiot? There was enough time for both of us to make that fucking light! Fucking ssholes like you shouldn't be allowed to fucking drive!"

Suddenly, the red and blue lights on the police cruiser erupted into life, a cop jumped out and ordered the driver out of his car. The cop then handcuffed the driver, pushed him into the back of the cruiser, and got on the radio to headquarters. About five minutes later, the cop got out of the cruiser, opened the rear door, and told the man to step out. He then released the handcuffs and told the man, "I'm sorry about that, but I was behind you and noticed that your rear bumper is plastered with Christian bumper stickers. Then, when we stopped for that light you started cursing like a sailor and screaming abuse at the guy in front of you, so I assumed the car was stolen."


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Jul 15 - 09:35 AM

* $1.99: Extra Ham on Eggs



* Cartoon of the profit.
More ham Ed?
Piece be up on'em.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Jul 15 - 10:47 AM

There are 2 brothers, both adolescents, one still a virgin, the other not. Their father is complaining about the active one to the other, and says, I don't like his attitude towards women, he seems not to think of them as *people*. The other shoots back instantly, well, he's had experience.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Jul 15 - 07:22 PM

The new Texas textbooks had just arrived when Nate Wisenheimer insisted that they be returned due to editorial errors. Marion Muller, President of the school board, scolded Nate, I told you before the chapter on the war of Northern Aggression was going to stay just the way it is
Madam President that's not what is wrong at all. Its the chapter on WW2.
Oh dear what is it?
You of all people should know that WW1 should read as "the war to end all wars" and WW2 should read as The War of Polish Aggression, Czech Aggression, French Aggression, Russian Aggression, Latvian Aggression, English Aggression, Belgian Aggression, Crete Aggression, American Aggression, Lithuanian Aggression...


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Bill D
Date: 10 Jul 15 - 10:27 AM

Sign in window of small restaurant:

"Pie like Mother used to make.. 50¢
Pie like he says she made... $1.00"


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Bill D
Date: 10 Jul 15 - 10:38 AM

"DEAR ABBY" ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING QUERIES:

Dear Abby,A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered. I think she is going through mental pause.

Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the sex, nudity, foul language and violence on my VCR?
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.

After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Bill D
Date: 10 Jul 15 - 10:57 AM

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"

She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."

"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. " I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from an Eucalyptus tree."

"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. " On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed.
I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron and I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."

The guy is stunned.

"Let's row over to my place," she says "and I'll give you a tour." So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat.
Before him is a long stone walk leading to a cabin and tree house.

While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Please sit down."

"Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."

"Oh, it's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"

Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,

" I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."

No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.

"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down
next to her.

"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months.You must have been lonely. When was the last time you played around? She stares into his eyes.

He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes,
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
!
"You've built a Golf Course?"


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 10 Jul 15 - 09:46 PM

The woman who injected her 8-year old daughter with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody of her little girl, who didn't look surprised.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Jul 15 - 10:02 AM

The Cowboy and the MBA Grad

A young, well-educated man on his first business trip gets on a plane to find himself seated next to an older, weathered man in a western snap shirt, faded jeans and a cowboy hat. Thinking himself above the old cowboy, the young man decides to make sport of him.

"You know," he says, "I've heard these flights go much more quickly if you strike up a conversation with a fellow passenger. So, let's talk."

The cowboy looks at him and says, "Well I s'pose that'd be all right. What'd ya like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," says the young man with a hint of sarcasm. "How about nuclear proliferation?"

"Hmm," says the cowboy, sensing the young man's attempt to belittle him. "That could be an interesting topic. But, let me ask you a question first: horses, cows, and deer all eat the same stuff--- grass. Yet, a deer passes little pellets, a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse makes muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"

Dumbfounded, the young man replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."

"So tell me then," says the cowboy with a knowing smile, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss geopolitics when you don't know shit?"


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Bill D
Date: 17 Jul 15 - 04:40 PM

A man get stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish.
Warden: your pet fish? How's that?
Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!!
Man: here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake)
Warden: well this I got to see!!
5 minutes later...
Warden: well??
Man: what?
Warden: the fish!! Where's your pet fish??
Man: what fish??


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,Bryn Pugh
Date: 18 Jul 15 - 11:43 AM

The toilet poet when he dies

Will find erected in the skies

A tribute to his solemn wit :

A monument of solid SHIT.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,Dormie
Date: 18 Jul 15 - 01:31 PM

They are not "Deaf & Dumb" They are Deaf & Mute

If anyone is dumb it is .................


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 19 Jul 15 - 03:46 AM

"They are Deaf & Mute"
They are, of course.
I learned the joke many, many years ago, when I was less aware - not an excuse, just a reason for my insensitivity, my apologies,
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,#
Date: 25 Jul 15 - 04:47 AM

http://www.laughaton.com/uploads/images/1742-Traitor.jpg


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 25 Jul 15 - 10:47 AM

Used to Sharing Everything

He ordered only one hamburger, only one order of French fries and only one drink. The old man unwrapped the plain hamburger, carefully cut it in half, and placed one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. Then he put the drink cup on the table, exactly half-way between him and his wife.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking, "That poor old couple--all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine -- "We are used to sharing everything," he said simply.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time it was the old woman who said, "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man yet again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked, "Okay, but what is it you are waiting for?"

She paused a bit before she answered, as if it were quite obvious, "The teeth!"


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Jul 15 - 01:08 PM

Scientists have just discovered that dyslexia is inherited. Apparently it's in your NDA.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Jul 15 - 10:50 AM

They also walk into bars...

Reminds me of the guy who went to a shrink but demanded that his diagnosis be CDO --putting the letters in their proper alphabetical order.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST
Date: 26 Jul 15 - 11:22 AM

Dyslexics untie.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,Dyslexic wiv a shense of oomer
Date: 26 Jul 15 - 01:51 PM

Did tha knows, an anagram of Steve Shaw (and) Guest is "The gusset waves.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Jul 15 - 08:05 PM

(Sings) Old McDonald was dyslexic
IEOIE


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST
Date: 26 Jul 15 - 08:07 PM

I'm glad you're singing it and not playing it...ouch! ;)


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,Jon Heslop
Date: 27 Jul 15 - 08:41 AM

......and dyslexia is an anagram of "daily sex"


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST
Date: 27 Jul 15 - 10:23 AM

dsyleixc and ODC dsyleixc and ODC dsyleixc and ODC dsyleixc and ODC dsyleixc and ODC dsyleixc and ODC dsyleixc and ODC dsyleixc and ODC dsyleixc and ODC dsyleixc and ODC dsyleixc and ODC dsyleixc and ODC dsyleixc and ODC dsyleixc and ODC dsyleixc and ODC dsyleixc and ODCdsyleixc and ODC dsyleixc and ODC dsyleixc and ODC dsyleixc and ODC dsyleixc and ODC dsyleixc and ODC dsyleixc and ODC dsyleixc and ODC dsyleixc and ODC dsyleixc and ODC dsyleixc and ODC dsyleixc and ODC dsyleixc and ODC dsyleixc and ODC dsyleixc and ODC dsyleixc and ODC


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST
Date: 27 Jul 15 - 10:38 AM

Hitler, Mussolini and Stalin are all sitting in a restaurant discussing their plans for World War 3.

A waitress approaches the table and listens to their talk. Hitler opens by saying:

"Okay guys, I've got a great idea. I already talked to Stalin about it, but I figure I should get your input. He didn't believe me."

Mussolini responds "believe you about what?"

"Okay this time, the plan is to kill ten million jews and one mexican."

The waitress at this point is intrigued and confused, decides to chime in. "One Mexican? Why do you want to kill the mexican?"

Hitler turns to Stalin and says "I told you nobody would care about the jews!


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST, 08:07
Date: 27 Jul 15 - 10:51 AM

......and dyslexia is an anagram of "daily sex"
       Tips hat..Ver ver good Sir !


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Jul 15 - 09:09 PM

Ok, here is a riddle for all genders:

Q: Why don't they make black condoms?
A: Because black is slimming.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,Uncle_DaveO
Date: 04 Aug 15 - 12:03 PM

"Brand New"

A man was going to work one day and accidentally slammed his penis in the car door. He went to the doctor, and the doctor said, "We're going to have to put a splint on that."

The guy said, "No way, Doc; I'm getting married in a week."

The Doc replied, "Well, if we don't, it's going to be bent for the rest of your life."

Finally the guy agreed, and the doctor got out a couple of tongue depressors and some tape and fixed him up.

A week later, and he was on his honeymoon...

His new wife did a slow, seductive strip-tease in front of him. She took off her bra and said, "See these? They've never been touched by a man before." She then took off her panties and said, "See this? It's never been seen by a man before."

So the husband whipped off his shorts and said, "See this? It's not even out of the crate yet!"


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Don Firth
Date: 04 Aug 15 - 02:26 PM

I went to the refrigerator this morning to get the milk for my cereal, and there, with his forepaws behind his head, leaning against the milk carton, was a little mouse.

I blinked a couple of times, then said, "Well, good morning. And what are you doing there?"

The little mouse said, "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?"

"Yes," I said.

"Well," said the little mouse, "I'm just westing...."

Don Firth


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 04 Aug 15 - 03:05 PM

A woman on a cruise is approached by a man who offers her £1000 to allow him to kiss her breasts.
She is highly insulted and storms off, but after a while she thinks, "what harm can a kiss do - and £1,000.....", so she comes back and agrees.
They go to his cabin and he slowly unbuttons her blouse, and he begins to fondle and stroke her breats.
After a few minutes of this she says, "Well, go on, kiss them".
"I can't", he says.
"Why not?"
"I haven't got any money".
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Aug 15 - 01:24 PM

And that is why you should get paid up front, ha ha ha ha ha!


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 05 Aug 15 - 01:32 PM

H.G Wells was a noted womaniser.
It is claimed the he approached an attractive woman at a party and said; "Would you sleep with me if I gave you a thousand pounds?"
Without hesitation she replied "Of course I would".
He said, "Would you come to bed for me for a pound?"
She said, "How dare you, what do you take me for?"
He replied "We've established that, now we're haggling over the price".
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 05 Aug 15 - 07:58 PM

A sailor on leave is approached by a girl in a pub who asks him, "Do you want something different?"
"Well", he says, "I've sailed around the world many, many times; I doubt if you can give me something I've not had before a thousand times".
She persuades him to go with her, and when they get to her room, she takes out her glass eye and says, "Try that".
At first he's revolted, but eventually he tries it, and when he's finished, he says, "That - was - incredible; I've never experienced anything like that .n my life; we're sailing tomorrow; but when I get back ashore, I'd really like us to get together again".
"O.K.", she says, "I'll keep my eye out for you".
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: mayomick
Date: 06 Aug 15 - 02:53 PM

A frisky young man in a pub waiting for his date to show noticed a well kept woman in her late forties sitting alone at a near-by table , giving him the eye all the time .He was flabbergasted when the lady came over to his table ,said that she thought he looked lonely and straight out asked : "Do you fancy a bit of you-know-what"?

"No ,no", he said laughing , I'm ok , thanks all the same .As a matter of fact I'm waiting here for my girlfriend to arrive ."

But after a few drinks and an hour's waiting, the young Romeo became despondent realizing that he'd been stood up. He was about to leave when the lady approached again.

"How about it then" she asked him with a bit of a mocking glint in her eye . "Come on, I see you've been stood up" ,she said, "never mind , it happens to the best of us .Look I can see that you're in the mood for it ,I tell you what love ,how'd you like a treat?"

He started to shake his head, but the mention of a "treat" from this fine looking dame began to intrigue the young man in the genital region .

"A treat, how d'you mean, like what" ? he asked

"Have you ever tried a mother and daughter duo routine?"

He'd often heard about and had indeed often fantasized about such thrysts..... and the lady despite being old enough to be his mother was indeed very good looking.

"No, I never have actually tried that," he said, grinning broadly and tugging at his collar "but as they say there's a first time for everything .Then rubbing his hands together : "Whoar let's go for it!"

They walked together the short distance to her house ; he followed her into the hallway licking his lips . "Oh Ma" she shouts up the stairs , "I've got a nice young man with me says he'd like to meet you".


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Don Firth
Date: 06 Aug 15 - 05:15 PM

Supposedly true story:

Modern dancer Isadora Duncan and George Bernard Shaw are chatting at a cocktail party. Isadora Duncan says to Shaw, "We should have a child together. With my looks and your brains, what an extraordinary child it would be!"

"True, indeed, my dear," responded Shaw. Then, with a very serious expression, said: "But--suppose the child were to have my looks and your brains!??" (Shudder!!)

Don Firth


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 Aug 15 - 06:19 PM

maomick: A thryst, I suppose, is a tryst with a thrust.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: mayomick
Date: 06 Aug 15 - 06:23 PM

lol


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 09 Aug 15 - 12:37 PM

An Irishman walks into a bar in London and orders a pint of Guinness.
The barman obliges and he takes a large swig, spits it out on the floor, says, "piss" and walks out.
The next night, the same thing happens; he orders a pint of Guinness, spits it out, says "piss" and walks out.
The third night he walks in again, the barman spots him and says, "piss off Paddy".
"In that case, I'll try a pint of bitter".
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Aug 15 - 11:09 AM

What did the buffalo say to his college-bound boy?
Bison!


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Aug 15 - 12:27 PM

Terrible New Virus

Please pass around this new warning! This is a serious threat!

- - -

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand:

This virus has been dubbed by experts in the field the "Worm Overload Recreational Killer (WORK)" virus. It is highly contagious and spreading rampantly. Be on your guard!

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means, do not touch it! The consequences are severe: this virus can wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest retail outlet for either of the two known antidotes -- both work equally well:

    Work-Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) or
    Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).

Take either or both antidotes repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Warning: Severe cases can be cleared out with Liquid Intensely Quenching Ultimate Obliteration Remedy (LIQUOR), which has multiple side effects, but sometimes is the only cure.

Your best remedy, as always, is avoidance. Approach possible WORK infestations with great care.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Joe_F
Date: 29 Aug 15 - 06:21 PM

Two drunks are on a train in London. It stops at a station.
"I say, is this Wembley?"
"No, it's Thursday."
"So am I. Let's get off & have a drink."


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 07 Sep 15 - 02:27 PM

"The policeman seemed a bit suspicious till I told him who I was."

"Oh yes? And who were you?"

≈M≈


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 08 Sep 15 - 03:31 AM

A climber in the alps, planning one last climb before the weather broke, slipped and broke his leg and was rescued by a mountain shepherd.
Being too far from a town to go for help, the shepherd took him to his remote home, where he, his wife and his beautiful daughter tended to his injuries and made him up a bed so he could recover.
As he was recovering, the weather broke and the family decided that he would have to stay with them until it improved - the weather got worse, and it became impossible for them to travel, so his stay with them lasted right through the winter.
The fed and entertained him and the shepherd, being one of the most skillful yodelers in that part of the country, decided to teach him how to yodel - the visitor mastered the style and became extremely adept at it.
The treatment he had received for his leg proved so successful that he was able to move around the house quite well.
The winter slowly passed into spring and the weather improved, and one day the shepherd decided he would venture down to the nearest village for help - he was gone for several days.
When he returned, having received an offer of transport as soon as soon as the road was passable, he walked into the house, only to find the climber making love to his beautiful daughter - he was furious, and the climber slipped past him and began to limp down the hill, hauling up his trousers as he went.
The shepherd followed him shouting "I found you hurt on the mountain", he said, "we took you in, treated your injuries, fed you, entertained you right through the winter - I even taught you how to yodel - and how do you repay me? - you make love to my beautiful daughter".
"And your old lay-ee-dee". the climber replied.
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Sep 15 - 08:58 AM

Bugger. Now I'm going to have to practise yodelling before I can tell anyone that joke!


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 08 Sep 15 - 09:00 AM

Knock knock!

Who's there?

A little old lady.

A little old lady who?

Stop yodelling and open the bloody door!


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Sep 15 - 09:10 AM

Knock knock!

Who's there?

M.A.B. it's a big horse.

M.A.B. it's a big horse who?



M.A.B. it's a big horse I'm a Londoner...


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 08 Sep 15 - 09:18 AM

Knock Knock

Who's there?

Banana

Banana who?

Knock knock

Who's there

Banana

Knock knock

Who's there?

Orange

Orange who?

Orange-oo glad it isn't another banana!


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Sep 15 - 09:48 AM

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Control freak, now you say control freak who...


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 08 Sep 15 - 10:58 AM

"Now I'm going to have to practise yodelling"
Try this with a Welsh accent Steve:
"Is it true that you've been goin' round tellin' everybody that my hubby's got a wart on the end of 'is willie, Mrs Jones?"
"Ooooo, I never said no such thing Mrs Evans, I only said it felt like it".
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 08 Sep 15 - 01:54 PM

Or this;
In a little Mid-Wales village, Back in the time when all the Welsh pubs were closed on The Sabbath, some of the local men used to sneak down to the pub every Sunday afternoon, tap on the side, and would be let in by the elderly proprietor - they would spend the afternoon drinking, talking and playing darts until it was time to go home for their evening meal.   
None of the wives, all regular churchgoers, was happy with the situation, but they all put up with it because that's the way it was in those days.
One Sunday, as usual, a regular at the practice, put on his coat and said to his wife, "Just going for a game of darts with the lads love; won't be late back".
"Make sure you're not", she said, "it's my mother's birthday and she's coming to dinner, so make sure you're on time".
Off he goes down to the pub, taps on the window, and is surprised to be let in by a very attractive young woman instead of the usual, elderly governor.
He goes into the bar to find it completely empty; "Where is everybody" he asks.
"They've all gone to the match in Cardiff; Uncle Dai went with then, and I said I'd stand in until he got back in case anybody turned up".
"Damn", he said, "I'd forgotten all about it; I'll just have a quick pint and I'll get back home".
So she pulls him a pint, then a second and nobody else came in.
The two of them begin chatting, and eventually, one thing leads to another, and they go upstairs and get into bed.
After a while, they both fell asleep, and when they woke up, it's pitch dark,
"Sod, it", he says, "I'm in real trouble now; it's my mother-in-law's birthday and I promised I would be back in time to see her".
He throws on his clothes, races downstairs, and as he rushes through the bar he grabs a piece of chalk from the dartboard and shoves it behind his ear.
He sprints out the door and down the street and lets himself into his house.
His wife is sitting in the kitchen, furious and almost in tears.
"I knew you'd be late ", she spat; "my mother's been and gone, the dinner was burned, waiting for you so she had nothing to eat, and she never wants to see you again- where have you been till this hour?"
"To tell you the truth love, he said, "I went to the pub, as usual, and was let in by a lovely young lass, Dai's niece – he'd gone to Cardiff with the lads for the match.
Well, I said I was only going to have a pint and come home, so we started chatting and one thing led to another, and you know how these things go, we went upstairs, got into bed and eventually fell asleep – we only woke up ten minutes ago".
"You're a lying bastard", she hissed, "You've been playing darts again as usual; you've still got the chalk behind your ear".
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 Sep 15 - 09:27 AM

"Flying United"

An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

During the final days at Denver's old Stapleton airport, a crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out."

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "Do you have any idea who I am?" Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please?" she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate."

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore "(Expletive) you." Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too."

The man retreated as the people in the terminal applauded loudly. Although the flight was canceled and people were late, they were no longer angry at United.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: PHJim
Date: 16 Sep 15 - 02:09 PM

Bad Jokes


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 05:19 PM

OK, so, I broke up with my sweetie a few months ago, and I've been getting over it, you know, but then out of the blue last Sunday I get a frantic phone call - they've been thrown out of their church.

I hung up. I can't stand ex-communication.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,gillymor
Date: 04 Oct 15 - 12:41 PM

Marriage is a great institution but who wants to live in an institution.

-H.L. Mencken (approximately)


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 05 Oct 15 - 08:22 AM

Why are turds tapered?
To stop your arse shutting with a bang
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 05 Oct 15 - 08:31 AM

Speaking of which.
Old miner Jack Elliot Snr., told the story of one of his family who came home late one night.
"Where have you been?"
"I went for a walk with Mary".
"Where did you go?"
"Down *****" (local rural beauty spot).
"Whereabouts?"
"That spot under the trees, by the stream, where you can sit and not be seen by anybody passing"
"I know the place - I always stop there for a shit on my way home from the pit".
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Oct 15 - 12:24 PM

A man is just about to walk into a pub when a nun on the opposite side of the street shouts at him, "Think VERY hard, my man, before you enter that house of sin!"

"What do you mean?"

"The demon drink, my son, that's what I mean! It'll be the ruin of you!"

"It's never done me any harm. What do YOU know about the drink anyhow!"

"Young man, not one drop has passed my lips in my entire life!"

"Then you know nothing about it! I'll tell you what, I'll buy you a drink now and we'll see if it changes your mind. What can I get you?"

Well I wouldn't even know what to ask for, would I!"

"Well you could try a gin. That's a good one to start on."

"All right, I'll have a gin. But not in a glass, in a cup, and I want it out here. I don't want anyone to see me with the drink and I'm not setting foot in that bar!"

So he goes in and he says to the barman "A pint of Guinness and a double gin in a cup, please,"

"Jaysus," says the barman, "not that bloody nun again!"


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,#
Date: 05 Oct 15 - 01:32 PM

The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city.
After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the pope. Grumpy, for once,
seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about
the church, and in particular, nuns.
       "Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?"
       "No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall."
       "Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say,
         about my height? Maybe a little shorter?"
       "I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?"
       "No reason." Pause. "Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about
         three feet tall, two and a half feet tall?"
       "I'm sure."
       "Okay."
Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why.
So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building.
       "What'd he say? What'd he say?" chant the other six dwarfs.
       Grumpy says, "He said they don't have any."
       And the other six start chanting, "Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!"


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 06 Oct 15 - 03:11 AM

A young nun is sitting reading under at tree in a convent garden when a strange young man climbs over the wall, sits down beside her and enters into deep conversation with her.
After a while he slips his arm around her, they kiss and eventually make passionate love under the trees.
When they've finished, she straightens down her habit and says, "Oh dear, how am I going to tell the Mother Superior that I allowed a stranger to seduce me - twice?"
"But we only made love once" he said.
"You're not in a hurry, are you? ".
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 06 Oct 15 - 09:50 AM

The proprietor of a Chinese takeaway in Soho becomes extremely pissed off when, night after night, the Greek bouncer from the strip club next door comes in and orders "chicken flied lice", taking the piss out of his inability to pronounce the letter "r"
It goes on for so long that he decides to do something about it, so he begins to practice in front of a mirror until he perfects the phrase , "Chicken frrrried rice, chicken frrried, chicken frried rice, chicken fried rice" - eventually he perfects it.   
Finally, the bouncer comes in and as usual orders "chicken flied lice".
"Don't you mean chicken fried rice, you Gleek plick?"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 06 Oct 15 - 02:54 PM

Man walks into a bar in a small border town in Mexico and he overhears a conversation about a local desperado, Pedro the Bandit.
After a while he is drawn into the conversation when he is asked if he has ever heard of him.
"Heard of him!" he says, "Last week I was riding through the desert and I am stopped by a man with two guns and a big sombrero who says he is Pedro the Bandit and he demands all my money. I give him my money, what else can I do - he has two big guns - I have none?
When he has got my money, he says, "Now, drop your trousers".
He has two guns, I have none, so I drop my trousers.
Then he says, "sheet" - he don't have to ask me twice; I sheet.
"Now" he says, "eat it" - he has two guns, what can I do; I eat it.
But for a moment he turns his back - quick as a flash I grab his guns.
"Now Pedro the Bandit, drop YOUR trousers."
So what can he do - he drops his trousers.
"Now you sheet" - I don't have to tell him twice, he sheets.
"Now you eat it" - I have two guns, he has none; he eats it.
Have I heard of Pedro the Bandit? - didn't I have lunch with him only last week".
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,#
Date: 06 Oct 15 - 05:40 PM

The lady golfer came in from her round on the course. The golf pro asked her how she did.

"Terrible. I got stung by a wasp!"
"Where'd it sting you?"
"Between the first and second hole."
"Well then, your stance is too wide."


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,#
Date: 06 Oct 15 - 05:56 PM

Two older ladies were heard chatting over lunch. One says to the other, "So Harold brought a dozen long-stemmed roses home last night. You know what that means? I'm going to spend all weekend with my legs in the air."

The other lady ponders this for a moment and finally says, "Why? Don't you have a vase?"


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 07 Oct 15 - 03:32 AM

Oid lady 1
"Have you met the new vicar? - very loud voice - bawls like a bull"
Old lady 2
"Are they really?"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 Oct 15 - 10:09 AM

Am reminded of the Scotsman who passed out drunk in the ditch with his kilt up over his face, and along come the village women heading down the lane - one says, Nellie (whose hubby was a notorious drunk), isn't that your man? Nellie looks over and says, no, that's not MY man, and another woman looks and says of course not, He isn't even from our village!


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST
Date: 07 Oct 15 - 10:44 AM

Reminds me
Policeman walking along the street sees two men on the pavement, one lying face down with his trousers round his ankles, the other with his finger up his companion's arse.
"What are you two men doing?"
"My mate's had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him sick".
"You'll never make him sick like that".
"I will when I put my finger in his mouth".
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: DMcG
Date: 07 Oct 15 - 05:11 PM

From Shep Wooley's patter at our club a fortnight ago:


He: in your wildest dreams did you ever see me on Australian television?
She: I don't see you in any of my wildest dreams.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Bainbo
Date: 10 Oct 15 - 08:27 PM

Tragic news that one of the Volkswagen engineers implicated in the latest scandal has killed himself in his garage.

He didn't mean to do it. He was just parking his car.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,#
Date: 10 Oct 15 - 08:54 PM

Bainbo, that is great. Bloody near spewed coffee on the laptop :-)


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Oct 15 - 07:02 PM

Bubba at the Revival

Bubba, the town's drunk and general no-goodnik, goes to a revival and listens to the preacher. After a while, the preacher asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over.

Much to the preacher's surprise, Bubba gets in line.

It takes awhile, but Bubba is very patient. When it's his turn the preacher says, "It's been a long time since you came in, Bubba."

Bubba simply nods.

The preacher says. "What you want me to pray about?"

Bubba says, "Preacher, I need you to pray for my hearing."

So the preacher puts one finger in Bubba's ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays a while.

After a few minutes, he removes his hands and says, "Okay, Bubba, how's your hearing now?"

"I don't know preacher," Bubba says. "It's not set until next Wednesday."


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 17 Oct 15 - 07:14 PM

The Tease

A man and his wife were spending the day at the zoo. She was wearing a sexy, loose fitting pink dress.

As they walked through the primates exhibit, they passed in front of a large silverback gorilla. Noticing the wife, the gorilla went crazy. He jumped on the bars, and holding on with one hand and two feet he grunted and pounded his chest with his free hand. He was obviously excited at the pretty lady in the pink dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thought this was pretty funny. He suggested that his wife tease the poor fellow some more by puckering her lips and wiggling her bottom. She played along and the gorilla got even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggested that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin. With his encouragement, she did -- and it looked like the gorilla was about to tear the bars down.

"Now," he said, "show your thighs and sort of fan your dress at him," he said. She was enjoying the attention and did it. This drove the gorilla absolutely crazy, and he started doing flips.

Then the husband grabbed his wife, ripped open the door to the cage, flung her in with the gorilla and slammed the cage door shut.

"Now," he told her, "tell him you have a headache!"


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Oct 15 - 09:27 PM

Eeee, yer bugger. Wait till I tell me mum that one! :-)


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 18 Oct 15 - 03:29 AM

St Peter rushed up to God and exclaimed, "Look, Lord. It's the Sabbath, and there's the Rabbi out on the links playing a surreptitious round of solo golf."

"Oh, yes?" says ‎יהוה
"Well I'll soon fix him!"

They watched as the Rabbi teed up, chose a club, addressed the ball, & drove -- sweetly right down the fairway, over all the traps and bunkers and hillocks, up on to the green - and straight into the hole.

"But, Lord," exclaimed the perplexed Saint, "the Rabbi goes out playing golf on the Sabbath and you give him a beautiful hole-in-one."

"Yes," replies the Deity grinning into his beard ·····

····· "and who can he tell?!"

≈M≈


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 18 Oct 15 - 12:46 PM

Oops I forgot the second woman who looked over at the drunken Scot lying unconscious in the ditch with his kilt over his head and agreed, it wasn't Nellie's huband, oh well.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Oct 15 - 05:03 PM

A young monk turns up for the first day at his new monastery. The abbot greets him, then says "Young man, you do realise that this is a silent order, don't you?"

"Yes, Father."

"Once you're in, you are allowed just two words every five years?"

"Yes, Father."

"Good! Then off you go to your cell, my son."

Five years later, the abbot says to the young monk, "Well, you've done very well. Have you anything you want to say? Just two words, remember!"

"Hard bed!" He replies.

"Oh dear," says the abbot, "I'll get straight on to the furniture store and get that seen to!"

Five years later, the same thing again. "Anything to say, my son?"

"Cold food!" came the reply.

"Oh dear, I'll get straight on to the kitchen and get that fixed!"

So, after fifteen years have passed, the conversation resumes. "Anything to say this time, my son?"

"I quit!" Came the reply.

Thank Christ for that!" declared the abbot. "Ever since you arrived you've done nothing but bloody moan!"


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 31 Oct 15 - 09:03 PM

Most Absurd Excuses for Calling in Sick

A "study" by CareerBuilder asked employers to relate the "most absurd excuses" they've heard from employees calling in sick.

According to the CareerBuilder survey, 38 percent of employees have called in to work sick when they're actually feeling well in the past year -- they just want a day off.

Of those, 27 percent said they had a doctor's appointment, 27 percent said they "just didn't feel like" going to work, 26 percent said they needed to relax, 21 percent said they needed to catch up on sleep, and 12 percent blamed bad weather.

(Yes, that adds up to 113% -- now you know why they need so much Career Building.)

The job help web site says 52 percent of those surveyed work for a company that has a no-excuse-needed paid time off policy -- but most figured they needed to give an excuse anyway when calling in for a day off.

- - -

The Top 10 best time-off excuses the web site collected from bosses in the survey:

    Employee claimed his grandmother poisoned him with ham.

    Employee was stuck under the bed.

    Employee broke his arm reaching to grab a falling sandwich.

    Employee said the universe was telling him to take a day off.

    Employee's wife found out he was cheating. He had to spend the day retrieving his belongings from the dumpster.

    Employee poked herself in the eye while combing her hair.

    Employee said his wife put all his underwear in the washer.

    Employee said the meal he cooked for a department potluck didn't turn out well.

    Employee was going to the beach because the doctor said she needed more vitamin D.

    Employee said her cat was stuck inside the dashboard of her car.

Dave Oesterreich


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Oct 15 - 10:09 PM

When I was a teacher in the early 70s I once got an absence note from a child's mother that informed me "Dear Mr Shaw, John couldn't come to school yesterday with his stomach." The best one I ever got was a very long-winded one on two scraps of paper that informed me that the poor lad had had to miss school yesterday because his pet dog had accidentally hanged itself on the garden fence.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 Nov 15 - 05:58 PM

True story: when my sister faked a note (in something like second grade) she'd have gotten away with it if she hadn't specified, my mommy doesn't write English too good.

But the joke I came here to tell is, I hear, they're telling Rapture jokes like there's no tomorrow.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,#
Date: 07 Nov 15 - 07:30 PM

I tried to think of a rapture joke but all the good ones have been taken.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,Maximinus
Date: 07 Nov 15 - 10:33 PM

Day after the rapture-
(try not to be there)

Everthing exactly the same on television except-
they're playing Hal Lindsey reruns


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,gillymor
Date: 08 Nov 15 - 08:14 AM

A dog walks into and bar and says to the bartender "How about a drink for a talking dog?" and the bartender replies "Sure, the toilet's at the end of the hall."


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 08 Nov 15 - 09:12 AM

A party of tourists being shown around Notre Dame Cathedral in Paris, reach the highst point - the bell tower and while they are standing around listening to the guide a hunchbacked man rushes in, walks over to the great bell and gives it a terrific head-butt.
He hits it so hard that the bell swings on its axle, swings back, catches the hunchback and knockes him out of the window and down to his death on the ground below.
"Who the hell was that?"
"Don't know, but his face rings a bell" .
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: DMcG
Date: 08 Nov 15 - 09:20 AM

Absurd excuses for not coming to work: one of my wife's colleagues phoned in for a day's compassionate leave because her budgie had fallen off its perch.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,gillymor
Date: 08 Nov 15 - 10:15 AM

There's a tragic second act to Jim Carrol's hunchback story below... after Quasimoto's death his wife shows up and fills in for her late husband. She throws her head against the bell as hard as she can and the return swing of the bell also throws her out of the bell tower and to her death on the street below.
"Who the hell is that?"
"I don't know, but she's a dead ringer for her husband."


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,Tunisia
Date: 15 Nov 15 - 12:16 AM

Home, Sweet Home     A good, old American Jew felt the death is close and asked his sons to take him to the Holy Land, to die there and be buried in Jerusalem.     The loving sons did as he asked, brought him to Jerusalem, put him in a hospital and waited for death to come. However, once in Jerusalem the old man felt better and better and in some weeks was again strong, healthy and full of life. He called upon his sons and told them: " Take me quickly back to the United States."     The sons were somehow disappointed and asked: "Father how come? You said you want to die in the Holy Land and be buried in Jerusalem!'     "Yes," answered the father, to die it's OK but to live here....!?" 


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 03 Dec 15 - 09:37 AM

Secret to a Long Life

One day I saw a wonderful old gal sitting on her front step. Her face was wrinkled like a prune, she was so stooped she was almost folded in half, and her gnarled fingers could hardly grasp the glass of iced tea she was holding. But she had such a wide, toothless grin on her face that she positively spread cheer.

So I walked up to her and said, "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look! What is your secret for such a long, happy life?"

"I smoke ten stogies a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a nice big joint. All my life I've eaten only junk food and I put away at least a fifth of Jack Daniels every week. On weekends I pop pills, and never do any exercise at all."

Absolutely, absolutely amazing, I thought, and I just couldn't help but to ask her, "Wow! How old are you, anyway?"

She didn't hesitate at all. "Twenty-four," she replied.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,Pete from seven stars link
Date: 03 Dec 15 - 11:49 AM

Many a true word spoken in jest , eh,.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Dec 15 - 10:01 AM

Football Team Loyalty

Four rabid football fans -- a Colts fan, a Packers fan, a Chargers fan, and a Patriots fan -- are climbing a mountain, and a conversation turned to an argument about which one loved his team more.

The argument lasted the entire climb, and culminated when they reached the scenic lookout at the top.

The Indianapolis fan insisted he was the most loyal. "This is for the Colts!" he yells, and jumps off the side of the mountain!

Not to be outdone, the Green Bay fan shouted, "This is for the Packers!" and threw himself off the mountain.

The San Diego fan was next to profess his love for his team.

He yelled, "This is for Chargers!" -- and pushed the Patriot fan off the mountain.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 19 Dec 15 - 12:26 PM

OK, I am reminded of the time the brit, the yankee and the frog were caught by cannibals in the deepest darkest jungle. The cannibals are environmentalists, and will use every scrap of their prey's bodies - their bones for tools, their meat for food, and their skins for drumheads. This is all being explained to the three victims while they wait for the water to boil. When the pot is ready, the cannibal king asks the brit for his last wish, and the brit asks for a knife, shouts God Save The Queen, and slits his own throat. The frog, asked the same question, asks for a knife, shouts Vive la France, and does the same. The yankee, though, asks for a fork, and then starts stabbing himself all over, shouting Make a drumhead outa THAT, assholes!


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Joe_F
Date: 19 Dec 15 - 04:47 PM

Tunisia's one reminded me:

A Jew on his deathbed, surrounded by his family, asked for a priest. They were, of course, scandalized, but he explained: I want to be converted. Better than one of them should die than one of us.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST
Date: 19 Dec 15 - 10:12 PM

THE JEWISH HORSE


Shmerel wants to borrow a horse from his neighbor, Berel.

"Sure you can borrow my horse," replies Berel. "But one thing you have to know about this horse. He is trained to start when you say 'Baruch Hashem' (thank God), and he stops when you say 'Shema Yisrael.'"

So Shmerel gets on the horse and practices. "Baruch Hashem" he says, and the horse breaks into a trot. "Shema Yisrael" he announces, and sure enough, the horse stops. After practicing a few times, he feels confident and begins his journey.

As he is riding along a road, he sees that the road ends up ahead with a steep cliff. Suddenly Shmerel realizes that he has forgotten the word needed to make the horse stop.

"Ashrei yoshvei vetecha" he squeaks, desperately. The horse keeps going.

"Um - Adon Olam" he intones.

The horse keeps going.

"Eh - Aleinu L'shabeiach."

But the horse keeps galloping.

Now fearful that he is about to die, Shmerel does what any good Jew would do when confronted with certain death. He screams our, "Shema Yisrael." As trained, the horse stops suddenly -- barely two feet from the edge of the cliff.

Shaking like a leaf, Shmerel pulls out his handkerchief and wipes the sweat from his forehead. "Whew" he exclaims, "Baruch Hashem!"


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 12:10 AM

מזל טוב

≈M≈


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 12:52 AM

Aleikhem Shalom


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,Musket
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 04:30 AM

May the force be with you


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 04:37 AM

May the Fourth, no it's December the twentieth


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 04:55 AM

I didn't post

שלום

I posted

מזל טוב

so the previous reply from GUEST seemed something of a catachresis to me.

≈M≈


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 04:56 AM

... and a non sequitur.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 06:18 AM

YOU GET POINTS FOR TRYING? Baruch Tihiye


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Dec 15 - 02:07 PM

Is that baruch or rococco?


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,Fumage
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 04:19 AM

No one believes seniors - everyone thinks they are senile. 

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they'd shared, where Jerry had carved a heart saying "Jerry loves Sally." 

On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money - fifty thousand dollars! 

Jerry said, We've got to give it back. 

Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic. 

The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. "Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?" 

Sally said, No. 

Jerry said, "She's lying. She hid it up in the attic." 

Sally said, "Don't believe him, he's getting senile" 

The agents turned to Jerry and began to question him. 

One said: " Tell us the story from the beginning." 

Jerry said, " Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday ..." 

The first police officer turned to his partner and said, "OK We're outta here!"


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: gillymor
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 04:36 AM

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, "Hey, there's a drink named after you."
Grasshopper says, "Why would anyone name a drink Bob?"


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 07:15 AM

Two ladies at Francis assisted living land were talking about their bucket list.
Mrrzy said Oh look, my number 7 is to take a cruise, I always wanted to take a cruise ship.

Gnu said softly "We basically did that last year dear. Remember we went on the bus for our field trip to Chipoltle and missed the bus home and the doors were locked when we finally got home and we had to stay at the smokey motel with the clogged toilet?

Hmm well then how about number 8, a trip to Mexico ?

We could just go to Chipoltle.




ps

olive, Bays, gimme a dolla.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: gnu
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 12:49 PM

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is
helping the other monks in copying the old canons
and laws of the church, by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are
copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question
this, pointing out that if someone made even a small
error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of
the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying
from the copies for centuries, but you make a
good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves
underneath the monastery where the original
manuscripts are held as archives,
in a locked vault that hasn't
been opened for hundreds of years.
Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him.
He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R! We missed the R!
We missed the bloody R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.
The young monk asks the old Abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies,

"The word was ...
CELEBRATE!"


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 29 Dec 15 - 03:00 PM

Football Team Loyalty

Four rabid football fans--a Colts fan, a Packers fan, a Chargers fan, and a Patriots fan--are climbing a mountain, and a conversation turned to an argument about which one loved his team more.

The argument lasted the entire climb, and culminated when they reached the scenic lookout at the top.

The Indianapolis fan insisted he is the most loyal. "This is for the Colts!" he yells, and jumps off the side of the mountain!

Not to be outdone, the Green Bay fan shouts, "This is for the Packers!" and throws himself off the mountain.

The San Diego fan is next to profess his love for his team.

He yells, "This is for Chargers!" -- and pushes the Patriot fan off the mountain.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,Mad jock
Date: 30 Dec 15 - 07:26 AM

It was deep in winter and the snow came on thick and fast and a cold wind howling. A mother duck was on the duckpond with her ducklings and quickly ushered themwith great difficulty into the yard and finaly into the barn for shelter. In the barn she wrapped her wings around her little ones to keep them warm only to realize that one was missing. She went to the barn door and called for her missing duckling. Her plaintive cries were drowned out by the wind and she feared the worst. She wanted to go out and search but knew that the rest of her brood needed her and would not survive long without her. So sadly she returned and wrapped her wings around them and cried for her lost duckling.

Out side in the terrible weather the little duckling tried to battle against the raging storm but was tiring fast ,the cold draining him of energy. The farm dog who was out rounding up the sheep and cattle heard the feeble cries of the duckling and came to his help. He picked him up carefully and carried him and dropped him up to his neck into a freshly laid cow pat and returned to herding in the other animals meaning to return later.

The warmth from the steaming pile of shit revived the duckling and soon he was warm again. He was glad to be alive and started to sing loudly. His singing attracted the attention of the local fox who was passing. The fox crept up and found the little duckling and thought a perfect little snack. He carefully grabbed the duckling by its head and started to pull it out then clean it on the newly fallen snow then ate it.

Now there are several morals to this story

1 Sometimes its your friends who drop you in it!


2 Sometimes its your enemies that get you out of it!


And most of all


3 When you are up to your neck in it it is best not to shout about it because you might make things get worse!


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,#
Date: 30 Dec 15 - 07:52 AM

Number 148.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Jeri
Date: 30 Dec 15 - 09:57 AM

I always liked that one, #.


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 30 Dec 15 - 11:13 AM

Nah -- no good. It isn't just the joke, #·y: it's the way you tell them!


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: gillymor
Date: 30 Dec 15 - 01:44 PM

What did the snail say when it climbed up on the back of the tortoise?


WHEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: GUEST,Peter from seven stars link
Date: 30 Dec 15 - 05:11 PM

Genuine....traffic report, a truck lost a load of cooking oil.       Shall they call the frying squad, was it on a slip road !


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Subject: RE: BS: New joke thread of 2015
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Jan 16 - 08:53 AM

This joke thread is outdated, and also inconveniently
long.

Let's go to "First Joke Thread of 2016."


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