BS: My Favorite Insults

Subject: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Wesley S
Date: 02 Oct 15 - 10:02 PM

Recently I was reading some detective fiction by John Sanford. One character said about a criminal : If he were any dumber we would have to water him twice a week. That insult has moved to the top of my list. Others I've been known to use are:

He's as dumb as a box of rocks.

He's a waste of oxygen.

He's a mouth breather.

He doesn't have the good sense to pour piss out of a boot.

He's from the shallow end of the gene pool.

And knowing that folks at the Mudcat have a talent for colorful language I thought you might want a chance to add to the list. You don't need to use them on each other. Let's just compile them for the good of mankind. I have an appointment at a bank next week and I may need some new fresh ideas. Thanks.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 02:47 AM

Mouth-breather is a good one, along with knuckle-dragger.

And if you're into enjoying insults, be sure to listen to Nell Flaherety's Drake. Classic (curses, actually, but they add up to insults).

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 04:28 AM

One sandwich short of a picnic

Not the brightest light on the Christmas tree

Too strong for light work

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,Sol
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 04:43 AM

Unashamedly cribbed from another website ..........

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one." – (Response)->"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...if there is one."
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
"He had delusions of adequacy."
"He never opens his mouth without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support rather than illumination."
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 04:46 AM

He's not got an inferiority complex, he is inferior.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,Sol
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 04:59 AM

He's depriving a village of an idiot

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 05:18 AM

May you live in interesting times.

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: DMcG
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 06:00 AM

"That's very interesting.

I didn't say I liked it, I said it interested me"

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,kenny
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 06:56 AM

"Son of a 1000 fathers.................."

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 08:52 AM

A few condoms short of an orgy.

"You're quite a nice bloke but your shit stinks. Nothing personal, you understand."

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 09:05 AM

"If I had a dog as ugly as you, I'd shave it's arse* and make it walk backwards"
*For my USA friends - "ass"

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,Sol
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 11:29 AM

Groucho Marx's comment to humorist S. J. Perelman:
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it."

Eugene McCarthy - "I would not want to put him in charge of snake control in Ireland".

Bette Davis, on an unnamed starlet: "She's the original good time who was had by all."

Bette Davis commenting on the death of long-time nemesis Joan Crawford]
"You should never say bad things about the dead, you should only say good. Joan Crawford is dead. Good".

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,Derrick
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 11:56 AM

A comment on a character report.

"This man has reached rock bottom and commenced digging"

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: John on the Sunset Coast
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 12:16 PM

Guest Sol--

There is some doubt as to the origin of the 'good time girl' quotation.
Hollywood columnist, Earl Wilson, in a 1946 book gives credit for it to a British actress, Leonora Corbett. Apparently he does not date the origin, nor the object of the jibe.

Bette Davis has also been credited with naming a little gold statuette Oscar. It is the story I choose to believe because I worked for nearly two years with the man who was the inspiration for her so naming it. There are several other stories that are just as possible, or just as far-fetched.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 12:20 PM

Can't remember when I heard this one, or who said it, or who it was about, but it was a comment about someone's book that went "it's the kind of book that, once you put it down, you can't pick it up again".

A good one appropriate for today, as Denis Healey has just died, is his remark upon being criticised by Geoffrey Howe, saying it was like being savaged by a dead sheep.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 12:33 PM

MP Bessie Bradock once accused Winston Churchill of being drunk in Parliament, Winston replied ' yes madam and you're ugly, but I'll be sober in the morning '

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 12:46 PM

I quite like waste of a skin or oxygen scavenger.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 12:56 PM

When I was an apprentice (not very quick on the uptake) an elderly electrician turned to me thoughtfully and said, "You know; when you were born, I think they threw the best bit away".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 03:22 PM

As ugly as a ripple on a slop pail.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 03:34 PM

Jim, that's a variant on the old circumcision one, when you say "when you were circumcised, they threw the wrong bit away."

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 03:47 PM

When my dad was a little lad he was often looked after by a woman who was always referred to as Auntie Smith. Auntie Smith and my great Auntie Florence hated each other's guts. When Auntie Smith died, Auntie Florence stared down at her grave at the funeral and declared, in stentorian tones, "Eeee, Auntie, you were a bad 'un, but I'm sorry you're dead."

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Joe_F
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 03:52 PM

That isn't right. It isn't even wrong.

Squeeze that pimple between your shoulders before it comes to a head.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Wesley S
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 04:24 PM

Shes so ugly she could make a train jump the tracks and take a walk.

He's a taco short of a combo platter.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 04:36 PM

"That's very good, Robbie," said Oscar Wilde to his friend Robbie Ross who had just made a witty remark; "I wish I had said that."

"You will, Oscar, you will," Ross replied.

≈M≈

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 06:51 PM

Mathew 5:22

whosoever shall say to his brother, 'Raca,' shall be in danger of the council; but whosoever shall say, 'Thou fool,' shall be in danger of hell fire.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Jack Campin
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 07:10 PM

"Wanfukkit":

http://www.dsl.ac.uk/entry/dost/wanfukkit

I think it only occurs in "The Flyting of Dunbar and Kennedy" (c. 1500). The meaning seems to be that your parents were so unenthusiastic about fucking each other that they didn't properly fuck you into existence.

http://prairieuprisingessays.blogspot.co.uk/2013/12/on-wanfukkit-funling.html

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,#
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 07:20 PM

The covers of the book are too far apart.

Last evening the ___________ Symphony Orchestra played Mozart. Mozart lost.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: theleveller
Date: 04 Oct 15 - 05:03 AM

I particularly like the quote attributed to Samuel Johnson when asked to review a manuscript: "Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good."

I also like this wonderful curse: "May the curse of Mary Malloy and her nine blind, illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of damnation that the good Lord himself won't find you with a telescope."

Perhaps the most damning of all is: "You have delusions of adequacy."

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Oct 15 - 06:41 AM

When I worked on Radcliffe Parks Dept. the superintendent was, er, not exactly a man's man and was not much liked by the workforce. I once heard the tractor man say that the trouble with the superintendent was that he thought his dick was for pissing out of.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 04 Oct 15 - 06:58 AM

He's got a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp.

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 04 Oct 15 - 07:00 AM

"I hope your wife eats biscuits in bed!"

≈M≈

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST
Date: 04 Oct 15 - 07:46 AM

Wiki on James Abott McNeill Whistler who they say said "Oh you will Oscar, you will"

"Dear Randolphe, utterly unspoilt by failure" Noel Coward on Randolphe Churchill (nephew of Winston S)

"He played the King as if someone had just played the Ace" of an actor in King Lear

"Thye wit is a s thick as Tewekesbury Mustard" Shakespear - Tweekesburg Mustard was originally made with mustard & horseraddish, rolled into balls and dried

Thick as two short planks and twice as wide.

Said out loud by a superior calling for a colleague's attention "_______ you venereal toerag". The room went silent in homage to the accuracy.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Oct 15 - 07:51 AM

"He's got a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp."


Or, he's got a face like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Oct 15 - 07:59 AM

Great cricket sledging incident: Aussie fast bowler Glenn McGrath was bowling to Zimbabwean Eddo Brandes. McGrath called out to Brandes "Why are you so fat?" Brandes replied "Because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit."

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST
Date: 04 Oct 15 - 01:11 PM

May your balls turn square and fester at the corners.

I hope your next shit is a hedgehog.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST
Date: 04 Oct 15 - 01:34 PM

She's uglier than death taking a shit.

Or - crazier than a shithouse rat.

From one of the Mash sequel books, years back: If he could shoot his IQ, Palmer and Niclaus would be driving trucks.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Midchuck
Date: 04 Oct 15 - 01:37 PM

Last Guest was me. Sorry. Why does this list keep losing my cookie while the damn nuisance advertisers never do?

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Oct 15 - 03:20 PM

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Oct 15 - 04:15 PM

"I hope your next shit is a hedgehog."

I heard that one as "I hope your next shit is a porcupine coming out backwards."

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Oct 15 - 07:59 PM

Disowning him is a good idea; he drags the rest of the family down and it's not too far up as it is.

He's an only child; his parents gave up in dispair.

Sticking his head in a blender would improve his looks.

Proof that IQ's should be measured in negative numbers.

When he was born they broke the mold -- thank God.

A living, breathing, example of the falsity of the Theory of Evolution.

Lazy? Well, if he was a dog he'd want the tree to come to him.

There's nothing there to brainwash.

Uglier than ten miles of homemade sin on a mud fence.

When he was born his mother and the nurses slapped the doctor.

Rattlesnakes wouldn't crawl in with him in a blizzard.

He's so crooked that he has to back up a hundred yards to unscrew himself from bed every morning.

A face only a mother could love, and none do.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Acorn4
Date: 05 Oct 15 - 11:45 AM

To two idiots at the bar making a racket during a performance.

Didn't realise this place had two village idiots.

Are they on a jobshare?

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Bert
Date: 05 Oct 15 - 01:29 PM

He wouldn't know his prick from his thumb if it didn't have a nail on it.

He looks like a bundle of sticks tied up ugly.

He looks like a sack of shit tied up with string.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Oct 15 - 07:58 PM

"Just because you sell a lot of records it doesn't mean to say you're any good - look at Phil Collins." --Noel Gallagher

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Oct 15 - 11:36 PM

He's so ugly and stinks so bad flies leave him for the outhouse.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,Salve
Date: 06 Oct 15 - 05:35 AM

Couple of dwarves short of a quest

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: banjoman
Date: 06 Oct 15 - 05:51 AM

He confuses his own opinion with fact (Said, I think of Jeremy Clarkson)
As thick as two short planks.

A face only a mother could love

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST
Date: 06 Oct 15 - 07:18 AM

If shit was brains he'd be constipated.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,lao dude
Date: 06 Oct 15 - 07:28 AM

from the shallow end of the gene pool

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST
Date: 06 Oct 15 - 07:42 AM

She had a face like a bag of spànners (wrenches)
She had a face like a burst couch

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Oct 15 - 08:05 AM

Bum like a burst bag of broad beans (Harry Enfield)

Face like three pounds of badly-wrapped mince (Mike Harding)

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,gillymor
Date: 06 Oct 15 - 08:32 AM

One musician dissing another: "He couldn't improvise a belch after a Hungarian dinner."

If she had as many dicks sticking out of her as she's had stuck in her she'd look like a porcupine.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,mayomick
Date: 06 Oct 15 - 10:45 AM

A nautical insult. "He has a stern face"
An insult to a woman (one who can take a joke ) . I think you'd look good in something long and flowing ........( like a river )

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Jack Campin
Date: 06 Oct 15 - 02:02 PM

Thomas Beecham described Karajan as "a sort of musical Malcolm Sargent".

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Oct 15 - 03:45 PM

Speaking of Beecham, he is alleged to have said to a lady cellist, "Madam, you have between your legs an instrument capable of giving pleasure to thousands and all you can do is scratch it."

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Oct 15 - 05:36 PM

Somebody reviewed a book and said, this is not a book to be tossed aside lightly, it should be thrown with great force.

I like anything in the "a few (--) short of a(n) --"

My x used to call people a waste of skin, which I found extremely insulting.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Black belt caterpillar wrestler
Date: 06 Oct 15 - 06:43 PM

From a recording of "Liverpool scene" doing the "hate song":
"You make me feel like a septic bowel".

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 Oct 15 - 08:19 PM

What is dumber than a dumb Norweigian?
A smart Swede.

When a Scotsman moves to England, it raises the average of intelligence in both countries.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 07 Oct 15 - 12:31 AM

Mrrzy's quote was from Dorothy Parker iirc.

Someone being "a waste of space" is one I like.

≈M≈

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 07 Oct 15 - 12:41 AM

That woman speaks eighteen languages, and can't say 'No' in any of them," is another nice Dorothy Parkerism. She was noted for them: "If all the ladies at Vassar were laid end to end, it wouldn't surprise me in the least."

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Dave Sutherland
Date: 07 Oct 15 - 11:57 AM

Northern club stag night comedian's retort to a heckler "If there were two blokes walking down the street and one was bored to death - you'd be the other fucker"

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Mr Red
Date: 07 Oct 15 - 12:37 PM

when all explanations fail: "Give me a shovel & I'll draw a picture"

Dorathy Parker attempting to go through a door. Some chorus girl said to her "Age before beauty"
Dottie swept through saying "And pearls before swine".

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 08 Oct 15 - 08:11 AM

Many years ago we were in a pub where there was quite an obnoxious young man, my friend Maddy asked "I wonder if they do post-dated abortions"

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,gillymor
Date: 08 Oct 15 - 08:34 AM

Two buddies of mine were drinking at a popular bar in D.C. back in the 70's and were being waited on by a very attractive barmaid. Pete, an unremitting horndog, spent most of the evening trying to get her phone # but she was not interested. Giving up, Pete hauled out his member and bid her look at it while he sat there and said "see what you're missing out on?". Without missing a beat the young lady said, "That looks like a dick, only smaller".

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Oct 15 - 11:12 AM

Too bad there was a hole in his father's condom.

He found a shop where you can buy ugly by the pound and stupid by the ton and he shoplifted both.

He's too stupid to be illiterate.

Ignorance can be fixed, and so should he.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Elmore
Date: 08 Oct 15 - 02:32 PM

Overheard in a bar in Henniker, NH many years ago. Bar fly: " If I ever need a brain transplant, I want your brain." Barmaid: "Why?" Bar fly: "Because it's never been used."

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,DTM
Date: 08 Oct 15 - 06:50 PM

One of my favourites came from the late Nick Keir of the McCalmans.

After singing a sentimental Scottish ballad while touring abroad, a female ex-pat in the audience started to cry. He asked her if the song had made her homesick. She replied "No. I'm a music teacher."

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: kendall
Date: 08 Oct 15 - 08:42 PM

Homely
She looks like she fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
So stupid, he thinks Western union is cowboys underwear.
Not threaded all the way on.
Too numb to know port from starboard. don't know gee from haw.
Has a face that would turn a funeral up a blind alley.
"      "          "   stop an 8 day clock.
Singer, she has a voice that could shatter Tupperware. (My contribution, taken from "It sure as hell aint country" by me.

Fat guy, he has more chins than a Chinese phone book.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 09 Oct 15 - 10:21 AM

He has a mind like a soupbowl, wide and shallow.

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: kendall
Date: 09 Oct 15 - 11:07 AM

His mind is like the river Platte; a mile wide and a foot deep. Warren G. Harding). At least, he admitted being numb.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Oct 15 - 03:09 PM

Prime Minister Harold Wilson once said of Norman St John Stevas, "In all his interventions this week he has only succeeded in demonstrating to the House the fundamental depths of his shallowness."

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Oct 15 - 05:22 PM

From out here in The West:

So dumb he thinks he has to butter his meadow muffin before he eats it.
He lifts his pinky when he lifts his beer.
So Western he's Eastern.
Said of a wannabee by a Shoshone friend: More Indian than Sitting Bull.
Ugly enough to stop two trains and a stampede at the same time.
She scares the dead in the cemetery.
The last time he was sober was before water was invented.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,Triplane
Date: 10 Oct 15 - 03:26 PM

From Billy Bennets Xmas Day in the Cookhouse

You're the man that stopped bacon from shrinking,
By making the cook fry with Lux,
And you wound up the cuckoo clock backwards,
And now it goes'oo' fore it'cucks'.

So thank you, and bless you, and blow you,
You just take these curses from me,
May your wife give you nothing for dinner,
And then warm it up for your tea.

Whatever you eat, may it always repeat
Be it soup, fish, entree, or horse doovers,
May blue bottles and flies descend from the skies
And use your bald head for manoeuvres.

May the patent expire on your evening dress shoes,
May your Marcel waves all come uncurled,
May your flannel shirt shrink up the back of your neck
And expose your deceit to the world.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,Barry (Guest)
Date: 10 Oct 15 - 04:04 PM

May your earholes turn to arseholes and shit all over your shoulders.

I hope your rabbits die and you can't sell the hutches

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,DTM
Date: 10 Oct 15 - 06:23 PM

Michael Billington's review on the return of the show "Godspell" to London.

"For those of you who missed it the first time here's a golden opportunity to miss it again."

Ouch!

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Jack Campin
Date: 10 Oct 15 - 06:28 PM

Both insulter and insultee of "like being savaged by a dead sheep" died in the last week.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Ed T
Date: 10 Oct 15 - 06:30 PM

""You're stupid, let's accept that and move on.""
― Eoin Colfer, The Eternity Code

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: LadyJean
Date: 10 Oct 15 - 08:37 PM

From a friend who grew up in Queens NY, "Go to heaven and make a U turn 17 times.'

From someone in my mom's family, "Ugly as home made sin."

From me, concerning a girl I knew in school, "Her mother was a Snodgrass, and she was the biggest Snodgrass I've ever known.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Oct 15 - 08:58 PM

Tears shall not be shed this end, Jack.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 11 Oct 15 - 04:26 PM

Probably posted this before on a similar thread a few years back, but from medical school:
"If you had just one more neurone, you could make a synapse": (a synapse being a connection between 2 nerve cells).
Orthopaedic registrar showing X-ray to a class of bemused students (broad Yorkshire accent required): "Aw come on lads, even a policeman could see it was broken!"

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: gnu
Date: 11 Oct 15 - 09:52 PM

Forgive me if it has been said before. "I break wind in your general direction." Can't recall the citation. Python?

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,jonm
Date: 12 Oct 15 - 12:41 AM

His head whistles in a cross-wind,

He cannot even spell IQ.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Mr Red
Date: 12 Oct 15 - 03:26 AM

The Urban Dictionary suggests that a Snodgrass is neck pubes, that is the hair in the neck region that haircuts don't quite get to.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,Frank
Date: 13 Oct 15 - 02:06 AM

Six Million Sperm and you had to be the fastest swimmer.!

He's got a face like a badly pegged out fox skin.

To Her. Do you know what would look nice behind your ears?
Your ankles.

Not the brightest globe in the chandelier.

Missing a Kangaroo in the top paddock.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Wesley S
Date: 13 Oct 15 - 08:38 AM

Here's another one I found in a book of John Sanford's:

The French have four levels on their terrorism alerts. Run, Hide, Surrender and Collaborate.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 13 Oct 15 - 08:49 AM

Forgive me if it has been posted before -

The Shakespeare Insult Kit

:D

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Oct 15 - 09:58 AM

Did your mother ever know your father's right name?

He's not even the product of a one night stand.

If brains were dynamite he couldn't blow his nose.

A man of few words and fewer brain cells.

Did your mother have any children that lived?

A lobotomy would only make him smarter.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Joe_F
Date: 13 Oct 15 - 08:38 PM

Have you heard? There aren't going to be any more Texans. Okies have sworn off fucking Mexicans.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Mr Red
Date: 14 Oct 15 - 01:56 PM

I first came across the "The Shakespeare Insult Kit " concept as the "Instant Buzzword Generator". Different words but same process.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 14 Oct 15 - 02:56 PM

"If you were my husband I'd put arsenic in your tea."

"If I were your husband I'd drink it."

≈M≈

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Joe_F
Date: 14 Oct 15 - 03:03 PM

Professor: What are J. Robert Oppenheimer's important contributions to physics?
Ph.D. candidate: I don't know.
Professor: That's the correct answer.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,Triplane
Date: 14 Oct 15 - 03:53 PM

A face like a melted wellie

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Wesley S
Date: 14 Oct 15 - 11:39 PM

The folks from Oklahoma had to cancel their party. They lost their recipe for ice.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Bert
Date: 15 Oct 15 - 12:53 AM

There are no Aggie jokes. They are all true stories.

Who would hire an engineer from a college that couldn't build a bonfire?

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Joe_F
Date: 15 Oct 15 - 09:50 PM

Why is there no British computer industry?
They couldn't find a way to make them leak oil.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Bert
Date: 16 Oct 15 - 03:49 AM

Joe_F,

That is Baaad. LOL.

It was the official secrets act that killed the British computer industry. All of the advances that they made during the war (when they were the best in the world) were kept under wraps for fifty years.

Oh, and the worst British cars for leaking oil were Fords.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 16 Oct 15 - 08:02 PM

Ran across this one in Christopher Moore's latest book Secondhand Souls:

"As loopy as a snake salad"

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Oct 15 - 09:07 PM

Not so, Bert. Only a man who has never owned a Triumph Dolomite would say that. My Dolomite 1850 had these drilled-out recesses on top of the engine block that collected leaked oil. If you ever had to drive on to a ramp or up a very steep hill, the oil would flow backwards into the clutch bell-housing. Your clutch would then slip for the next two hundred miles.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Mr Red
Date: 17 Oct 15 - 07:52 AM

Steep Hill? Dolomite? - the clue was in the name!

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 17 Oct 15 - 12:48 PM

Look no further than one of the other threads below the line! They're at it again!

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 17 Oct 15 - 05:41 PM

Following from no 99 - FFS, get a life! (100!)
Ok, where's the insult? - those who revel in online character assassination might find this insulting! Bloody good if you do!

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: EBarnacle
Date: 17 Oct 15 - 11:31 PM

Steve, that quote [10/6] belongs to Mitch Miller.

After a round of golf when the minister discovered that his opponent was the club pro: Bring your parents around sometime. I'll be happy to marry them.

Me, on being told to improv insults during a movie scene: You're lower than whale shit but messier.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Bert
Date: 18 Oct 15 - 06:40 PM

I didn't know that Steve.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Oct 15 - 07:03 PM

Mind you, that Dolomite could growl. No fifth gear so a loud growl. 26 to the gallon on a good day. The burgundy ones (e.g. mine) had paint that you could actually stand there and see oxidise before your very eyes. The rusting was legendary. The front pads lasted for less than 4000 miles. The exhaust manifold bolts routinely worked loose and the only way to get at them to tighten was by removing the starter motor, which was itself pretty inaccessible. Wheel bearings were good for less than 10000 miles. Rubber membranes in the the twin carbs that split as soon as you went anywhere near them.. The leaf springs had an incurable loud squeak at all times. The fuel line was prone to myocardial infarction, curable by detaching it at the fuel pump and blowing down it. Aye, they don't make cars like they used to, Bert!

Having said that, I once borrowed an Austin Maestro for fifteen months. Excuse me if I don't go there...

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Bert
Date: 18 Oct 15 - 09:46 PM

Hmmm, that sounds worse that the 75 Volvo I used to own, on which I used up all of my favorite insults.

Perhaps we need to start a bad car thread.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Ed T
Date: 18 Oct 15 - 09:49 PM

speaking about whale crap 

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST
Date: 19 Oct 15 - 09:16 AM

Some of my favorites:

As sharp as a sack full of wet mice.

Has the mental agility of a small soap dish.

Has a face like a bucket of frogs.

Bob Hitchcock.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Oct 15 - 09:23 AM

He's as crazy as Joe C*nt's cat.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Mr Red
Date: 19 Oct 15 - 03:07 PM

Bright as a NAFFI candle
Dim as a Toch H lamp
Daft as a brush

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 19 Oct 15 - 05:13 PM

Have never understood that last one. What is daft about a brush?

≈M≈

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Oct 15 - 10:45 AM

You'd lose your balls if they weren't in a bag.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,Sol
Date: 20 Oct 15 - 01:05 PM

(MGM "Have never understood that last one. What is daft about a brush?)
I don't understand it either MGM. That said, I've used the expression regularly all my life without thinking of its derivation.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 20 Oct 15 - 01:13 PM

http://www.phrases.org.uk/meanings/as-daft-as-a-brush.html

Not much help, coz compiler of this can't really explain it anyhow. But worth a look, maybe, for the terminologically interested among us.

≈M≈

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,Sol
Date: 20 Oct 15 - 01:19 PM

From a quick search on the net it seems there are three plausible explanations for the 'daft as a brush' expression.

1) brush of a fox = soft and soft = daft in North England
2) small children dropped down chimneys instead of a brush often incurred head injuries.
3) when a wet brush is poked, you 'dab'. When a dry brush is poked, you 'daff'. These words are onomatopoeic. The word also appears in the first verse of The Flowers Of The Forest, where in context it means something like a nudge in the ribs. When a brush has been daffed a great deal, its bristles splay out in all directions. The brush is then called "daft" and it becomes practically useless. Someone who is daft as a brush is unable to direct their concentration properly to the matter in hand.

No. 3 is the most plausible to me.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 20 Oct 15 - 02:09 PM

Agreed. Many thanks, Sol. It will certainly do as an explanation until (as they say) a better one comes along!

≈M≈

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Mr Red
Date: 21 Oct 15 - 04:56 AM

Thanx 4 the Daffed as a Brush - amazing how words morph and loose their context!

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Joe_F
Date: 21 Oct 15 - 08:48 PM

George Orwell, on what turned out to be his deathbed, amused himself by making up rude words to "Oranges and Lemons":

Your mother's a spinster,
Say the bells of Westminster,

Don't be talking balls,
Say the bells of St Paul's,

etc.

For some additional suggestions, see this thread.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Oct 15 - 10:23 PM

Nates pilosas, fili, non potes asse venditare.

Homo et humanita expers et vitae communis ignarus.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Mr Red
Date: 22 Oct 15 - 04:27 PM

Born hairy , daughter , not power approval sale

Homo and kindness wanting and life common unacquainted with.

according to http://www.translation-guide.com/free_online_translators.php?from=Latin&to=English & I thought Latin was predictable! (being a dead language)

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Oct 15 - 04:45 PM

She is like an adorable baby, she has a hole in head, wakes up every 2 hours and cries until she eats and pukes half the time after drinking.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,Sol
Date: 22 Oct 15 - 06:14 PM

Nil Illegitimus Carborundum :-)

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Oct 15 - 08:23 PM

Broke-dick mamalucca! (--Spaw)

Broken pissant fart.

So dumb that if brains were dynamite he couldn't blow his nose.

Too dumb to pound sand into a rat hole.

He's a tenth of the man he thinks he is -- if that.

Okay, I'll say something positive about him! I'm positive he's stupider than I think.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Joe_F
Date: 22 Oct 15 - 08:47 PM

Quod nulli calicem tuum propinas,
humane facis, Horme, non superbe. -- Martial

It isn't good manners to toast without passing the cup,
but, seeing it's you, I suppose you're just being considerate.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Wesley S
Date: 22 Oct 15 - 11:13 PM

A friend told me this one today from a TV show.

He's nuttier than a porta-potty at a peanut convention.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Oct 15 - 12:17 AM

Couldn't pour water out of a boot if the directions were on the heel. Nice thread Wesley S

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 23 Oct 15 - 12:19 AM

My father used to say "If he had two or three more wits he might be a halfwit!"

≈M≈

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GRex
Date: 23 Oct 15 - 04:03 PM

Heard in the Hamilton Folk Club way back in the seventies and said by the singer to a persistent interrupter "The last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook in it"

GRex

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Joe_F
Date: 23 Oct 15 - 05:49 PM

"No man with a mouth like that ever lets go." -- H. L. Mencken, of William Jennings Bryan.

*

Reply to a witticism: "Oh, you're a wit and a half, you are."

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Dorothy Parshall
Date: 24 Oct 15 - 01:16 PM

"He's a knock-kneed, bow-legged runty little nothing sawed down to a point with no brains in his cocoa!"

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: kendall
Date: 15 May 19 - 07:43 PM

Her face would stop an 8 day clock.

he was so stupid he thought Western union was cowboy's underwear.

Her ass was so big it had its own zip code.

When he was born the doctor said, "It's a boy." his father said, "a boy what"?

He is such a liar, if he wants his dog to come in he has to get someone else to call it.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 May 19 - 08:14 PM

She's got a bum like a burst bag of broad beans (Harry Enfield).

He has a face like three pounds of badly-wrapped mince (Mike Harding)

"I'm not saying that he's not a man's man, but he does think his dick's for pissing out of..."

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Rapparee
Date: 15 May 19 - 09:21 PM

His folks evolved into rocks and he's the pinnacle of their evolution.

I'm not saying you're ugly, but I know the highway department employs you to stop landslides and avalanches.

As an author he's so bad that the linotype went on strike.

His heart transplant rejected HIM.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: meself
Date: 15 May 19 - 09:55 PM

One I just heard, that a cop said to the surprising small president of a Hell's Angels branch in Quebec: "Last time I saw cowboy boots that small, they were on a key chain!"

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 May 19 - 06:54 AM

When they circumcised you they threw the wrong bit away.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 16 May 19 - 03:57 PM

There is nothing like a good joke - and that was nothing like a good joke (pal of Mary Poppins).

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Mo the caller
Date: 16 May 19 - 04:34 PM

My father claimed that he prepared a speech to propose to my mother
"Darling when I look into your eyes time stand still."
but that he actually said "Your face would stop a clock. Your teeth are like the stars, they come out at night"

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 May 19 - 06:36 PM

Ha ha! At school we used to say, your teeth are like stars, they come out at night. Your eyes are like pools, football pools. Your ears are like flowers, cauliflowers. Cheers for taking me back fifty years, Mo! :-)

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Jack Campin
Date: 16 May 19 - 06:52 PM

A shiver ran along the Labour front bench looking for a spine to run up.

- Ian Blackford, Scottish National Party MP

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Joe_F
Date: 16 May 19 - 09:28 PM

You can be replaced with an equal volume of fresh air.

*

When Italy declared war on England in WW2, Churchill is said to have remarked, "It's only fair. We had to put up with them last time." (A prophetic taunt!)

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Rapparee
Date: 16 May 19 - 11:09 PM

You're a medical miracle! The last time you had diarrhea you didn't completely disappear!

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 17 May 19 - 02:39 AM

When I first tried my hand at singing I was told, "If you were singing for shit you wouldn't get the smell on it"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 May 19 - 03:27 AM

He's so thick that he couldn't find his arse with both hands.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: David C. Carter
Date: 17 May 19 - 05:13 AM

Shostakovich:"Wagner's music is better than it sounds".

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: David C. Carter
Date: 17 May 19 - 05:18 AM

Noel Coward,when asked by a society lady what he thought of her painting:

"A bit Touch'n'Gaughan".

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 May 19 - 06:58 AM

Rossini on Wagner: "Wagner has beautiful moments, but awful quarters of an hour."

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Joe_F
Date: 17 May 19 - 05:40 PM

"Do you eat with that mouth?" (Said to someone who has just made an offensive remark.)

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Donuel
Date: 17 May 19 - 05:46 PM

I'm told Wagner is better than it sounds.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 17 May 19 - 06:53 PM

@David C Carter: is that not a double insult? Dick Gaughan might think so!
Doncha mean "A bit Touch'n'Gauguin"?

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Neil D
Date: 17 May 19 - 09:00 PM

When he was a kid, they had to tie a pork chop around his neck to get the dog to play with him.
Like having a battle of wits with an unarmed man.
They said he was quite the wit...they were half right.
The only good thing to come out of Cork is the road to Kerry.
Over a hundred years ago my grandfather fronted a judge on the courthouse steps and said "I wouldn't trust you to adjudicate a rape case among dogs."

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: BobL
Date: 18 May 19 - 02:35 AM

She was so dumb, she had to take her blouse off to count up to two.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Mrrzy
Date: 18 May 19 - 05:01 PM

Oh, you're from Culpeper? Good place to be from... Shows you had the sense to leave.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: David C. Carter
Date: 19 May 19 - 04:50 AM

Tattie Bogle.

So I should have typed:Gaughuin.

But don't let it keep you awake all night.

Cheers

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Donuel
Date: 19 May 19 - 09:00 AM

A champion insulter was probably personally subject to the most insults

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Mrrzy
Date: 19 May 19 - 04:39 PM

Those Shakespeare insult generators are fun- thou cross-pated knave.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Mr Red
Date: 20 May 19 - 04:47 PM

I like referring to Dunning-Kruger. The target would not have the nouse to look it up. In fact I recently used it and the response was "you are just spouting mumbo jumbo".

Bulls-eye!

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Donuel
Date: 22 May 19 - 01:09 PM

I have 4 extra canine teeth but I don't sniff poop on purpose.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Thompson
Date: 22 May 19 - 02:54 PM

Wasn't it Daniel O'Connell who said Robert Peel had a smile like the brass plate on a coffin?

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 23 May 19 - 04:03 AM

Not an insult but my favourite curse is "May the hole in your arse heal up".

:D tG

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Donuel
Date: 23 May 19 - 10:08 AM

You know who's 'stink radius', is as broad as the internet.
30 years ago it was only 20 meters.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 May 19 - 11:49 AM

I'm not saying he's ugly, but he has a face like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle....

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 23 May 19 - 01:15 PM

When he was born they slapped his mother.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Donuel
Date: 24 May 19 - 08:38 PM

Hell is full of musical amateurs who can only play the recording

Go to hell. You wouldn't like heaven without utilities anyway.

We learn from experience that men never learn from experience.