BS: My Favorite Insults

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,Sol
Date: 20 Oct 15 - 01:05 PM

(MGM "Have never understood that last one. What is daft about a brush?)
I don't understand it either MGM. That said, I've used the expression regularly all my life without thinking of its derivation.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Oct 15 - 10:45 AM

You'd lose your balls if they weren't in a bag.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 19 Oct 15 - 05:13 PM

Have never understood that last one. What is daft about a brush?

≈M≈

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Mr Red
Date: 19 Oct 15 - 03:07 PM

Bright as a NAFFI candle
Dim as a Toch H lamp
Daft as a brush

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Oct 15 - 09:23 AM

He's as crazy as Joe C*nt's cat.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST
Date: 19 Oct 15 - 09:16 AM

Some of my favorites:

As sharp as a sack full of wet mice.

Has the mental agility of a small soap dish.

Has a face like a bucket of frogs.

Bob Hitchcock.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Ed T
Date: 18 Oct 15 - 09:49 PM

speaking about whale crap 

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Bert
Date: 18 Oct 15 - 09:46 PM

Hmmm, that sounds worse that the 75 Volvo I used to own, on which I used up all of my favorite insults.

Perhaps we need to start a bad car thread.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Oct 15 - 07:03 PM

Mind you, that Dolomite could growl. No fifth gear so a loud growl. 26 to the gallon on a good day. The burgundy ones (e.g. mine) had paint that you could actually stand there and see oxidise before your very eyes. The rusting was legendary. The front pads lasted for less than 4000 miles. The exhaust manifold bolts routinely worked loose and the only way to get at them to tighten was by removing the starter motor, which was itself pretty inaccessible. Wheel bearings were good for less than 10000 miles. Rubber membranes in the the twin carbs that split as soon as you went anywhere near them.. The leaf springs had an incurable loud squeak at all times. The fuel line was prone to myocardial infarction, curable by detaching it at the fuel pump and blowing down it. Aye, they don't make cars like they used to, Bert!

Having said that, I once borrowed an Austin Maestro for fifteen months. Excuse me if I don't go there...

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Bert
Date: 18 Oct 15 - 06:40 PM

I didn't know that Steve.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: EBarnacle
Date: 17 Oct 15 - 11:31 PM

Steve, that quote [10/6] belongs to Mitch Miller.

After a round of golf when the minister discovered that his opponent was the club pro: Bring your parents around sometime. I'll be happy to marry them.

Me, on being told to improv insults during a movie scene: You're lower than whale shit but messier.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 17 Oct 15 - 05:41 PM

Following from no 99 - FFS, get a life! (100!)
Ok, where's the insult? - those who revel in online character assassination might find this insulting! Bloody good if you do!

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 17 Oct 15 - 12:48 PM

Look no further than one of the other threads below the line! They're at it again!

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Mr Red
Date: 17 Oct 15 - 07:52 AM

Steep Hill? Dolomite? - the clue was in the name!

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Oct 15 - 09:07 PM

Not so, Bert. Only a man who has never owned a Triumph Dolomite would say that. My Dolomite 1850 had these drilled-out recesses on top of the engine block that collected leaked oil. If you ever had to drive on to a ramp or up a very steep hill, the oil would flow backwards into the clutch bell-housing. Your clutch would then slip for the next two hundred miles.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 16 Oct 15 - 08:02 PM

Ran across this one in Christopher Moore's latest book Secondhand Souls:

"As loopy as a snake salad"

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Bert
Date: 16 Oct 15 - 03:49 AM

Joe_F,

That is Baaad. LOL.

It was the official secrets act that killed the British computer industry. All of the advances that they made during the war (when they were the best in the world) were kept under wraps for fifty years.

Oh, and the worst British cars for leaking oil were Fords.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Joe_F
Date: 15 Oct 15 - 09:50 PM

Why is there no British computer industry?
They couldn't find a way to make them leak oil.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Bert
Date: 15 Oct 15 - 12:53 AM

There are no Aggie jokes. They are all true stories.

Who would hire an engineer from a college that couldn't build a bonfire?

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Wesley S
Date: 14 Oct 15 - 11:39 PM

The folks from Oklahoma had to cancel their party. They lost their recipe for ice.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,Triplane
Date: 14 Oct 15 - 03:53 PM

A face like a melted wellie

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Joe_F
Date: 14 Oct 15 - 03:03 PM

Professor: What are J. Robert Oppenheimer's important contributions to physics?
Ph.D. candidate: I don't know.
Professor: That's the correct answer.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 14 Oct 15 - 02:56 PM

"If you were my husband I'd put arsenic in your tea."

"If I were your husband I'd drink it."

≈M≈

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Mr Red
Date: 14 Oct 15 - 01:56 PM

I first came across the "The Shakespeare Insult Kit " concept as the "Instant Buzzword Generator". Different words but same process.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Joe_F
Date: 13 Oct 15 - 08:38 PM

Have you heard? There aren't going to be any more Texans. Okies have sworn off fucking Mexicans.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Oct 15 - 09:58 AM

Did your mother ever know your father's right name?

He's not even the product of a one night stand.

If brains were dynamite he couldn't blow his nose.

A man of few words and fewer brain cells.

Did your mother have any children that lived?

A lobotomy would only make him smarter.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 13 Oct 15 - 08:49 AM

Forgive me if it has been posted before -

The Shakespeare Insult Kit

:D

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Wesley S
Date: 13 Oct 15 - 08:38 AM

Here's another one I found in a book of John Sanford's:

The French have four levels on their terrorism alerts. Run, Hide, Surrender and Collaborate.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,Frank
Date: 13 Oct 15 - 02:06 AM

Six Million Sperm and you had to be the fastest swimmer.!

He's got a face like a badly pegged out fox skin.

To Her. Do you know what would look nice behind your ears?
Your ankles.

Not the brightest globe in the chandelier.

Missing a Kangaroo in the top paddock.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Mr Red
Date: 12 Oct 15 - 03:26 AM

The Urban Dictionary suggests that a Snodgrass is neck pubes, that is the hair in the neck region that haircuts don't quite get to.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,jonm
Date: 12 Oct 15 - 12:41 AM

His head whistles in a cross-wind,

He cannot even spell IQ.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: gnu
Date: 11 Oct 15 - 09:52 PM

Forgive me if it has been said before. "I break wind in your general direction." Can't recall the citation. Python?

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 11 Oct 15 - 04:26 PM

Probably posted this before on a similar thread a few years back, but from medical school:
"If you had just one more neurone, you could make a synapse": (a synapse being a connection between 2 nerve cells).
Orthopaedic registrar showing X-ray to a class of bemused students (broad Yorkshire accent required): "Aw come on lads, even a policeman could see it was broken!"

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Oct 15 - 08:58 PM

Tears shall not be shed this end, Jack.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: LadyJean
Date: 10 Oct 15 - 08:37 PM

From a friend who grew up in Queens NY, "Go to heaven and make a U turn 17 times.'

From someone in my mom's family, "Ugly as home made sin."

From me, concerning a girl I knew in school, "Her mother was a Snodgrass, and she was the biggest Snodgrass I've ever known.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Ed T
Date: 10 Oct 15 - 06:30 PM

""You're stupid, let's accept that and move on.""
― Eoin Colfer, The Eternity Code

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Jack Campin
Date: 10 Oct 15 - 06:28 PM

Both insulter and insultee of "like being savaged by a dead sheep" died in the last week.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,DTM
Date: 10 Oct 15 - 06:23 PM

Michael Billington's review on the return of the show "Godspell" to London.

"For those of you who missed it the first time here's a golden opportunity to miss it again."

Ouch!

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,Barry (Guest)
Date: 10 Oct 15 - 04:04 PM

May your earholes turn to arseholes and shit all over your shoulders.

I hope your rabbits die and you can't sell the hutches

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,Triplane
Date: 10 Oct 15 - 03:26 PM

From Billy Bennets Xmas Day in the Cookhouse

You're the man that stopped bacon from shrinking,
By making the cook fry with Lux,
And you wound up the cuckoo clock backwards,
And now it goes'oo' fore it'cucks'.

So thank you, and bless you, and blow you,
You just take these curses from me,
May your wife give you nothing for dinner,
And then warm it up for your tea.

Whatever you eat, may it always repeat
Be it soup, fish, entree, or horse doovers,
May blue bottles and flies descend from the skies
And use your bald head for manoeuvres.

May the patent expire on your evening dress shoes,
May your Marcel waves all come uncurled,
May your flannel shirt shrink up the back of your neck
And expose your deceit to the world.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Oct 15 - 05:22 PM

From out here in The West:

So dumb he thinks he has to butter his meadow muffin before he eats it.
He lifts his pinky when he lifts his beer.
So Western he's Eastern.
Said of a wannabee by a Shoshone friend: More Indian than Sitting Bull.
Ugly enough to stop two trains and a stampede at the same time.
She scares the dead in the cemetery.
The last time he was sober was before water was invented.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Oct 15 - 03:09 PM

Prime Minister Harold Wilson once said of Norman St John Stevas, "In all his interventions this week he has only succeeded in demonstrating to the House the fundamental depths of his shallowness."

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: kendall
Date: 09 Oct 15 - 11:07 AM

His mind is like the river Platte; a mile wide and a foot deep. Warren G. Harding). At least, he admitted being numb.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 09 Oct 15 - 10:21 AM

He has a mind like a soupbowl, wide and shallow.

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: kendall
Date: 08 Oct 15 - 08:42 PM

Homely
She looks like she fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
So stupid, he thinks Western union is cowboys underwear.
Not threaded all the way on.
Too numb to know port from starboard. don't know gee from haw.
Has a face that would turn a funeral up a blind alley.
"      "          "   stop an 8 day clock.
Singer, she has a voice that could shatter Tupperware. (My contribution, taken from "It sure as hell aint country" by me.

Fat guy, he has more chins than a Chinese phone book.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,DTM
Date: 08 Oct 15 - 06:50 PM

One of my favourites came from the late Nick Keir of the McCalmans.

After singing a sentimental Scottish ballad while touring abroad, a female ex-pat in the audience started to cry. He asked her if the song had made her homesick. She replied "No. I'm a music teacher."

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Elmore
Date: 08 Oct 15 - 02:32 PM

Overheard in a bar in Henniker, NH many years ago. Bar fly: " If I ever need a brain transplant, I want your brain." Barmaid: "Why?" Bar fly: "Because it's never been used."

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Oct 15 - 11:12 AM

Too bad there was a hole in his father's condom.

He found a shop where you can buy ugly by the pound and stupid by the ton and he shoplifted both.

He's too stupid to be illiterate.

Ignorance can be fixed, and so should he.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,gillymor
Date: 08 Oct 15 - 08:34 AM

Two buddies of mine were drinking at a popular bar in D.C. back in the 70's and were being waited on by a very attractive barmaid. Pete, an unremitting horndog, spent most of the evening trying to get her phone # but she was not interested. Giving up, Pete hauled out his member and bid her look at it while he sat there and said "see what you're missing out on?". Without missing a beat the young lady said, "That looks like a dick, only smaller".

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 08 Oct 15 - 08:11 AM

Many years ago we were in a pub where there was quite an obnoxious young man, my friend Maddy asked "I wonder if they do post-dated abortions"