BS: My Favorite Insults

Subject: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Wesley S
Date: 02 Oct 15 - 10:02 PM

Recently I was reading some detective fiction by John Sanford. One character said about a criminal : If he were any dumber we would have to water him twice a week. That insult has moved to the top of my list. Others I've been known to use are:

He's as dumb as a box of rocks.

He's a waste of oxygen.

He's a mouth breather.

He doesn't have the good sense to pour piss out of a boot.

He's from the shallow end of the gene pool.

And knowing that folks at the Mudcat have a talent for colorful language I thought you might want a chance to add to the list. You don't need to use them on each other. Let's just compile them for the good of mankind. I have an appointment at a bank next week and I may need some new fresh ideas. Thanks.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 02:47 AM

Mouth-breather is a good one, along with knuckle-dragger.

And if you're into enjoying insults, be sure to listen to Nell Flaherety's Drake. Classic (curses, actually, but they add up to insults).

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 04:28 AM

One sandwich short of a picnic

Not the brightest light on the Christmas tree

Too strong for light work

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,Sol
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 04:43 AM

Unashamedly cribbed from another website ..........

"A modest little person, with much to be modest about."
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."
"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."
"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play, bring a friend... if you have one." – (Response)->"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second...if there is one."
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here."
"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."
"He had delusions of adequacy."
"He never opens his mouth without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge."
"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."
"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts...for support rather than illumination."
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 04:46 AM

He's not got an inferiority complex, he is inferior.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,Sol
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 04:59 AM

He's depriving a village of an idiot

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 05:18 AM

May you live in interesting times.

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: DMcG
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 06:00 AM

"That's very interesting.

I didn't say I liked it, I said it interested me"

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,kenny
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 06:56 AM

"Son of a 1000 fathers.................."

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 08:52 AM

A few condoms short of an orgy.

"You're quite a nice bloke but your shit stinks. Nothing personal, you understand."

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 09:05 AM

"If I had a dog as ugly as you, I'd shave it's arse* and make it walk backwards"
*For my USA friends - "ass"

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,Sol
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 11:29 AM

Groucho Marx's comment to humorist S. J. Perelman:
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it."

Eugene McCarthy - "I would not want to put him in charge of snake control in Ireland".

Bette Davis, on an unnamed starlet: "She's the original good time who was had by all."

Bette Davis commenting on the death of long-time nemesis Joan Crawford]
"You should never say bad things about the dead, you should only say good. Joan Crawford is dead. Good".

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,Derrick
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 11:56 AM

A comment on a character report.

"This man has reached rock bottom and commenced digging"

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: John on the Sunset Coast
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 12:16 PM

Guest Sol--

There is some doubt as to the origin of the 'good time girl' quotation.
Hollywood columnist, Earl Wilson, in a 1946 book gives credit for it to a British actress, Leonora Corbett. Apparently he does not date the origin, nor the object of the jibe.

Bette Davis has also been credited with naming a little gold statuette Oscar. It is the story I choose to believe because I worked for nearly two years with the man who was the inspiration for her so naming it. There are several other stories that are just as possible, or just as far-fetched.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 12:20 PM

Can't remember when I heard this one, or who said it, or who it was about, but it was a comment about someone's book that went "it's the kind of book that, once you put it down, you can't pick it up again".

A good one appropriate for today, as Denis Healey has just died, is his remark upon being criticised by Geoffrey Howe, saying it was like being savaged by a dead sheep.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 12:33 PM

MP Bessie Bradock once accused Winston Churchill of being drunk in Parliament, Winston replied ' yes madam and you're ugly, but I'll be sober in the morning '

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 12:46 PM

I quite like waste of a skin or oxygen scavenger.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 12:56 PM

When I was an apprentice (not very quick on the uptake) an elderly electrician turned to me thoughtfully and said, "You know; when you were born, I think they threw the best bit away".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 03:22 PM

As ugly as a ripple on a slop pail.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 03:34 PM

Jim, that's a variant on the old circumcision one, when you say "when you were circumcised, they threw the wrong bit away."

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 03:47 PM

When my dad was a little lad he was often looked after by a woman who was always referred to as Auntie Smith. Auntie Smith and my great Auntie Florence hated each other's guts. When Auntie Smith died, Auntie Florence stared down at her grave at the funeral and declared, in stentorian tones, "Eeee, Auntie, you were a bad 'un, but I'm sorry you're dead."

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Joe_F
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 03:52 PM

That isn't right. It isn't even wrong.

Squeeze that pimple between your shoulders before it comes to a head.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Wesley S
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 04:24 PM

Shes so ugly she could make a train jump the tracks and take a walk.

He's a taco short of a combo platter.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 04:36 PM

"That's very good, Robbie," said Oscar Wilde to his friend Robbie Ross who had just made a witty remark; "I wish I had said that."

"You will, Oscar, you will," Ross replied.

≈M≈

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 06:51 PM

Mathew 5:22

whosoever shall say to his brother, 'Raca,' shall be in danger of the council; but whosoever shall say, 'Thou fool,' shall be in danger of hell fire.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Jack Campin
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 07:10 PM

"Wanfukkit":

http://www.dsl.ac.uk/entry/dost/wanfukkit

I think it only occurs in "The Flyting of Dunbar and Kennedy" (c. 1500). The meaning seems to be that your parents were so unenthusiastic about fucking each other that they didn't properly fuck you into existence.

http://prairieuprisingessays.blogspot.co.uk/2013/12/on-wanfukkit-funling.html

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,#
Date: 03 Oct 15 - 07:20 PM

The covers of the book are too far apart.

Last evening the ___________ Symphony Orchestra played Mozart. Mozart lost.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: theleveller
Date: 04 Oct 15 - 05:03 AM

I particularly like the quote attributed to Samuel Johnson when asked to review a manuscript: "Your manuscript is both good and original; but the part that is good is not original, and the part that is original is not good."

I also like this wonderful curse: "May the curse of Mary Malloy and her nine blind, illegitimate children chase you so far over the hills of damnation that the good Lord himself won't find you with a telescope."

Perhaps the most damning of all is: "You have delusions of adequacy."

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Oct 15 - 06:41 AM

When I worked on Radcliffe Parks Dept. the superintendent was, er, not exactly a man's man and was not much liked by the workforce. I once heard the tractor man say that the trouble with the superintendent was that he thought his dick was for pissing out of.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 04 Oct 15 - 06:58 AM

He's got a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp.

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 04 Oct 15 - 07:00 AM

"I hope your wife eats biscuits in bed!"

≈M≈

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST
Date: 04 Oct 15 - 07:46 AM

Wiki on James Abott McNeill Whistler who they say said "Oh you will Oscar, you will"

"Dear Randolphe, utterly unspoilt by failure" Noel Coward on Randolphe Churchill (nephew of Winston S)

"He played the King as if someone had just played the Ace" of an actor in King Lear

"Thye wit is a s thick as Tewekesbury Mustard" Shakespear - Tweekesburg Mustard was originally made with mustard & horseraddish, rolled into balls and dried

Thick as two short planks and twice as wide.

Said out loud by a superior calling for a colleague's attention "_______ you venereal toerag". The room went silent in homage to the accuracy.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Oct 15 - 07:51 AM

"He's got a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp."


Or, he's got a face like a bulldog licking piss off a thistle.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Oct 15 - 07:59 AM

Great cricket sledging incident: Aussie fast bowler Glenn McGrath was bowling to Zimbabwean Eddo Brandes. McGrath called out to Brandes "Why are you so fat?" Brandes replied "Because every time I make love to your wife, she gives me a biscuit."

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST
Date: 04 Oct 15 - 01:11 PM

May your balls turn square and fester at the corners.

I hope your next shit is a hedgehog.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST
Date: 04 Oct 15 - 01:34 PM

She's uglier than death taking a shit.

Or - crazier than a shithouse rat.

From one of the Mash sequel books, years back: If he could shoot his IQ, Palmer and Niclaus would be driving trucks.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Midchuck
Date: 04 Oct 15 - 01:37 PM

Last Guest was me. Sorry. Why does this list keep losing my cookie while the damn nuisance advertisers never do?

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Oct 15 - 03:20 PM

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Oct 15 - 04:15 PM

"I hope your next shit is a hedgehog."

I heard that one as "I hope your next shit is a porcupine coming out backwards."

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Rapparee
Date: 04 Oct 15 - 07:59 PM

Disowning him is a good idea; he drags the rest of the family down and it's not too far up as it is.

He's an only child; his parents gave up in dispair.

Sticking his head in a blender would improve his looks.

Proof that IQ's should be measured in negative numbers.

When he was born they broke the mold -- thank God.

A living, breathing, example of the falsity of the Theory of Evolution.

Lazy? Well, if he was a dog he'd want the tree to come to him.

There's nothing there to brainwash.

Uglier than ten miles of homemade sin on a mud fence.

When he was born his mother and the nurses slapped the doctor.

Rattlesnakes wouldn't crawl in with him in a blizzard.

He's so crooked that he has to back up a hundred yards to unscrew himself from bed every morning.

A face only a mother could love, and none do.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Acorn4
Date: 05 Oct 15 - 11:45 AM

To two idiots at the bar making a racket during a performance.

Didn't realise this place had two village idiots.

Are they on a jobshare?

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Bert
Date: 05 Oct 15 - 01:29 PM

He wouldn't know his prick from his thumb if it didn't have a nail on it.

He looks like a bundle of sticks tied up ugly.

He looks like a sack of shit tied up with string.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Oct 15 - 07:58 PM

"Just because you sell a lot of records it doesn't mean to say you're any good - look at Phil Collins." --Noel Gallagher

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Rapparee
Date: 05 Oct 15 - 11:36 PM

He's so ugly and stinks so bad flies leave him for the outhouse.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,Salve
Date: 06 Oct 15 - 05:35 AM

Couple of dwarves short of a quest

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: banjoman
Date: 06 Oct 15 - 05:51 AM

He confuses his own opinion with fact (Said, I think of Jeremy Clarkson)
As thick as two short planks.

A face only a mother could love

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST
Date: 06 Oct 15 - 07:18 AM

If shit was brains he'd be constipated.

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST,lao dude
Date: 06 Oct 15 - 07:28 AM

from the shallow end of the gene pool

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: GUEST
Date: 06 Oct 15 - 07:42 AM

She had a face like a bag of spànners (wrenches)
She had a face like a burst couch

Subject: RE: BS: My Favorite Insults
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Oct 15 - 08:05 AM

Bum like a burst bag of broad beans (Harry Enfield)

Face like three pounds of badly-wrapped mince (Mike Harding)