BS: Christmas Tavern 2015

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: GUEST,Severn
Date: 30 Dec 15 - 01:42 PM

Damn right they got a bad Rap, and they caught him in the act. The policeman sitting at the bar next to the snowman waves hello to the ATF guys. Luckily, there's no charges for Rap, or seemingly for the fireworks, for that matter.....
Rap doesn't like being refused a re-fusal and having his fun spoiled, but if ya can't beat 'em, join 'em. He goes outside in the snowy parking lot.....

Severn continues to go around the table taking pictures and getting autographs. He asks if he can have some bread and wine. Mary shakes her head no and warns, "Let it be!" Severn backs away.....

Somebody tells Kilroy to get his damn nose off the table.....

Severn talks awhile with Ambrose Bierce, another idol, who tells his eager listener how his "Devil's Dictionary" was a defining moment in his life.....

Severn takes his last picture and secures his last autograph on the back which reads, "Let it be!, Mary". He was very careful not to get another rise out of Jesus (even though He seemed to him to be a bit of a mama's boy) and he thanks everyone and goes out to an empty table to sort his treasures.....

Squidlets are running wild, snatching everything left unattended for tree decorations. Billy The Squid the squidlet ringleader grabs the camera as Severn sorts the autographed photos and starts running away. Severn gives chase and tackles Billy over by the fire pit and the camera flies loose and lands in the flames......

Matilda squidlet eagerly grabs the photos off the table chased by three other squidlets who want to get a close look themselves. A scuffle ensues and while grappling for a look at the photos, the four young cephalopods get tangled up with each other and the photos fly loose and also land in the flaming pit as Severn helplessly watches the shots of a lifetime go up in smoke......

The tentacles of four squidlets are all tangled up in knots, binding them all together. Mama Squid, experiencing her first Holiday Tavern, is not sure she likes them at all as she struggles to untie a godawful mess of tentacles.....

Severn goes back to the banquet room, only to find it empty, shiny and spotlessly clean, one might even say IMMACULATE! He walks away with drooping head, almost in tears.....

Suddenly, a phone rings, Severn shakes himself awake and picks it up to find Gnu on the line.
"Get your ass on down here, Lazybones! Rap and Liz and Amos and everybody's been wondering where you've been. If you hurry, you can still make it by New Year's"......

Severn throws on some clothes and trudges through the snow towards the Tavern.....

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 30 Dec 15 - 12:19 PM

"Rap, I bet these guys will help you set off the explosives, as long as you're outside."

Acme gets a glass of single malt and wanders over to the fireplace to listen to the guy on the guitar and watch the array of dancing partners and steps taking place on the dance floor next to the jello pit. Tentacles can be seen rising from the green miasma, snapping in time to the music.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: GUEST,ATF
Date: 30 Dec 15 - 11:56 AM

ATF! Hands UP! Mr. Rapparee, back away from the explosives!

Three black-clad officers look around at the stunned faces staring from around the darkened room, then move behind the bar and set their arms out of view. The apparent leader speaks

"Hehehe. Fooled you, didn't we? This funky place has been on our radar for years, but it kept shifting around. We finally managed to follow that pizza delivery guy to find the door."

The two officers step from behind him and quietly pick up all of the explosive devices and remove them to the parking lot, then return to the room. One of them finally speaks

"What a mix. Who's the dizzy broad in the wheelchair dancing with? And are the Swedish massage ladies up for dancing?"

The third agent speaks

"We get a bad rap, so no one invites us to their parties. But this one, we figured we'd fit right in.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: frogprince
Date: 30 Dec 15 - 10:31 AM

For gawdsake don't nobody tell him that what he's got there is wire fuse for electric ignition...

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Dec 15 - 10:09 AM

Fuses don't light. And they're not wet or anything. Gonna have another Talisker and think this out.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Janie
Date: 29 Dec 15 - 10:29 PM

You feckin' pyromaniac of a rapier brandishing idjit! Come Old Christmas it is fine to blast the whole place to whatever kingdom may come. Cletus and all the boys will be here by then to join in. Not to mention several Shades from the Hammon's family, most of them as good with a rifle as they are with fiddle and banjo - and all of them, especially Maggie do a right good job of it. No "Breakin' Up Christmas" until then, you hear me?!

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Dec 15 - 10:11 PM

The tosspot stumbles back in and sends a goblet of something over to Donuel. Harkening to the unheard dogs barking, out again, leaving behind a pair of - wait, are these gloves made out of kittens?

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Dec 15 - 09:13 PM

Overhearing the Sev's conversation, he thinks to himself, "Armageddon out of here!" as he lights the fuse. And he lights it again. And again. And again. And again. And then Bossy head-butts him into the tree.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: GUEST,Severn
Date: 29 Dec 15 - 08:41 PM

I'm also reuniting my old Gospel group from back in Georgia called The Macon Believers. Nobody ever really took us seriously, for some reason, but we'll give it the old Holiday Try when Tattie is through......

Overseeing Tattie's classical ensemble would be Bogle minding, I imagine......

Severn has just asked the birthday revelers in the private banquet room for pictures and autographs. The Birthday Boy turns to his Mother, and Mary nods and says, "Let it be!", so with an official OK, Severn sets to work. He snaps the whole table, but it's hard to get everybody in. He singles out two particular heroes, Joseph (whom Severn has always thought of as his unofficial Patron Saint ever since back when he became a stepfather)and Captain Noonan, both who have stood by while others got the glory. Severn wishes he had a better camera that could adjust to the extra light generated from those glowing yellow circles around Joseph, Mary and Jesus' heads. Severn asks Joseph if there was any way to dim the halo down and Joseph shakes his head no.

"Just curious about the halo, Joseph." says Severn. "Is it safe to touch it?"
Mary stands up, shakes her head no and warns, "LET IT BE!"
Severn backs off......

Meanwhile the squidlets, as originally feared before most people got too drunk to care, have been pilfering small items and decoration the tree with them. Hats (including that of the cop), watches, purses, camera bags etc. now adorn the tree, and they'd started their decorating from the top down......

Severn asks Elvis where Buddy Holly was, and Elvis tells him that he indeed lives, but he's still on life support.
"The Holly and the IV, eh?"
"You got it." nods Elvis.

Severn asks Jesus if since he was back, was he bringing Armageddon.
"I never really left", replies Jesus. We were all in God's equivalent of a Witness Protection Program, and we came out for a private party."

"I'm in the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program", says Severn. Those Mormons and such can't find me.".......

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 29 Dec 15 - 07:57 PM

How did you know about the tambourine?? Someone's been stalking me on Facebook! My good-hearted husband just gave me my 4th ever tambourine.......not to mention the second didgeridoo a year or so back.
Musical entertainment in the tavern will be: Concerto for 4 tambourines and 2 didgeridoos, bodhrans welcome also.
Accompanied by Figgy Duff at the break (that's not breaking heids, by the way!)

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Megan L
Date: 29 Dec 15 - 01:26 PM

of course there is its the steam powered one in the corner

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: GUEST, ^*^
Date: 29 Dec 15 - 01:24 PM

^*^ runs in with a stack of newspapers, waving one in the air, ala old time newsboys.

"Look! Look! Squiddy is in the Washington Post!"

"Quick, turn on the television! Wait, is there a television in this bar?"

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Rapparee
Date: 29 Dec 15 - 09:49 AM

Sheathing his errant rapier he walks over and lights the fuses. It's time.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: GUEST,Severn
Date: 28 Dec 15 - 08:14 PM

Severn enters the private banquet room. The guests are sitting at an extremely long table with glasses of wine for all and a loaf of bread the length of the table with countless candles in it. The Birthday Boy sits at the head of the table with Mother Mary Herself. also with the yellow circle around her head next to him. Also at the table are a few minor deities and functionaries such as Mother Nature, The Green Man and Jack Frost (with Suzie Snowflake at his side looking beautifully resplendent on, of course, white)and a lot of the world's famous missing characters, such as Amelia Earhart & Captain Noonan, Judge Crater, Ambrose Bierce, Jimmy Hoffa and that fellow who jumped out of that plane with all that money they never found, you know the one. Also, there are some of the departed people that graffiti on the walls of the world proclaim still live, Elvis, Che, Joe Hill and the like, and yes, even Kilroy was there.

The Birthday Boy's crown of thorns has been momentarily replaced by a still somewhat prickly one made of holly pine and other forest matter with a piece of paper saying "Happy Birthday" pinned to it. The Green Man is telling Mother Nature that Jesus has taken his head dress and he wants it back.

Jesus looks over at Mother Mary saying "It's MY birthday".
Mother Mary gives the Green Man and Mother Nature a stern look look that would cook an elephant and says, "LET IT BE!"

Severn says, "Excuse me, but could I get some pictures and maybe some autographs?........

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 Dec 15 - 04:42 PM

The tosspot came back in, and started putting crackers in the soup. Joining in with the coppers, kettledrums echoing, sends some sugar cubes over to Bossy. Not saying if anything mighta dripped onto the sugar cubes... wearing a tam, boring.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: gnu
Date: 28 Dec 15 - 02:47 PM

Tambourine? A tambourine is to a Hran what a kazoo is to a trumpet.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Megan L
Date: 28 Dec 15 - 02:34 PM

Weel theres nae muckle difference then

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Dec 15 - 01:39 PM

Pulling his rapier from a box of explosives, he pulls the hat off the rapier and replaces it on gnu's head.

gnu, who has been indulging in backwoods-New Brunswick spirits, doesn't notice. He continues to bonk his bodhran. (NB: This is not some kinky sexual thing. A bodhran is a tambourine without the jangly parts.)

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: JennieG
Date: 28 Dec 15 - 12:05 AM

From the bar in the corner is heard:

"Good King Wenceslaus knocked a copper senseless......"

The singing arm of the law is well in its stride by now, and stride they do.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: gnu
Date: 27 Dec 15 - 08:49 PM

Mmmppphh. Brawmp. Audible yawn. gnu looks around with his eyes closed and a scowl on his face and mutters, "Couldn't have been much of a party if I fell asleep. Somebody call Louie and get him to send a taxi."

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Rapparee
Date: 27 Dec 15 - 08:17 PM

And he sits, thinking not-so-morosely of Times Past, of long-forgotten times, and wonders how he can remember them if they are long-forgotten.

Rising, he takes one step and tangles his feet in his rapier's sheath. The rapier itself flies out of the scabbard. Point first, it flies through the air and embeds itself in the pyrotechnic pile under the hole in the roof.

Bossy the horse votes neigh.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Janie
Date: 27 Dec 15 - 06:08 PM

The hillbilly woman in the wheelchair, after a couple of stiff drinks of cheap Scotch, looks around and sees the Swedish lasses were kind enough to bring in the walker and lean it against a wall. A baby squiddy squeals as she inadvertently flattens the tip of a tentacle, but recovers quickly and catches a ride on the large turning back wheel of the chair, leaps upwards at the apex of the turn, and settles itself at a rakish angle atop the blonde/gray straw that passes for hair sprouting out of the scalp of the hillbilly woman.

She grabs the walker, swings from the handles and clicks her heels in the air - well, kinda sorta - for a split second anyway both heels are off the ground and fortunately the walker tobbles toward the wall with a shoulder leading, so all rights itself - and the squiddy grabs a plait of jingle bells hanging on said wall. With excellent timing they bounce off the wall, the walker lands on all fours, and squiddy and the hillbilly join the Morris Dancers.

Confusion reigns on the dance floor. The hillbilly woman shouts "Wheeeeee!"

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: GUEST,Severn
Date: 27 Dec 15 - 04:46 PM

The policeman, now quite drunk, starts leading those at the bar in all the old traditional Law Enforcement Carols:

"Arrest Ye Merry Gentlemen"

"I'm dreaming of the right Witness"

"Police Navidad"

"Go Tell It To The Mounties" (Gnu's request).....

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Liz the Squeak
Date: 27 Dec 15 - 03:47 PM

Bugger... I fell over ages ago, and now he's been and gone without me....

Joy, the Swedish lady is not best pleased either, she was on her way to the ladies, to do as the song says... The river will have to be dammed now, and her comforter has gone off the boil.

LTS

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: GUEST,Derrick
Date: 27 Dec 15 - 08:20 AM

Yet again the door opened,in walked an old man, his face wreathed with whiskers,and covered in snow."I'm glad to be out of it" he said,he certainly looked as if he was out of it.
"I'm the saviour" he said, "I've come to save fallen women"
As he sank a double Jameson,one of the Swedish ladies who was passing with a tray of mince pies fell over the cat and landed at his feet.
"Got one" he cried triumphantly and throwing her over his shoulder ran into the night cackling with joy.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Dec 15 - 11:53 PM

The elderly lady drinks Eliza's drink, dripping crumpet crumbs in and out of it. Come to think of it, a lot of people are in and out of it.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 26 Dec 15 - 05:03 PM

The door bursts open and the entire Morris dancing side called Kemp's Men enters. They perform Queen's Delight, knocking over a few tankards, then prance out again into the night. The elderly lady rummages in her apron pocket and finds another buttered crumpet to accompany the second bottle of Old Speckled Hen and smiles happily.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Dec 15 - 04:30 PM

Whoever bought that gnome that drink is back, sopping wet from the weather, steaming fiercely before the fire. Eliza gets sent a flaming concoction from the depths of the kitchen that took the bartender long enough that it was just as well the weather had swallowed the tosspot again... the natives had been getting restless.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 26 Dec 15 - 09:13 AM

Thank you Sandra, and the same to you.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 26 Dec 15 - 08:51 AM

lovely to see you again, Eliza, I hope you have a great new year!

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 26 Dec 15 - 08:39 AM

In Norfolk thass crumpets bor! We hent nivver haird of them poiklet dewburys.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 26 Dec 15 - 08:02 AM

From the UK Midlands northwards it's pikelets NOT crumpets.
(I'll get me flat 'at).

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: GUEST,Eliza
Date: 26 Dec 15 - 03:28 AM

Yes Sandra, Eliza popped in for a minute. She had a small glass of Old Speckled Hen ale and finished her buttered crumpet, then quietly toddled off to feed her three Siamese cats and her African husband their Christmas dinners.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 26 Dec 15 - 12:56 AM

did I really see Eliza???

sandra (cleaning her glasses)

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Dec 15 - 09:54 PM

Figgy Pudding? Piggy Fudding?

He doesn't want to know, and inhales the aroma of roasting auroch.

In the pool, Squiddy's kiddies are enjoying Santa. And the reindeer. Blitzen yells for help, and he thinks that it's just another incident at the Mudcat Tavern. But they really shouldn't nibble on things like that....

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Richard Mellish
Date: 25 Dec 15 - 02:57 PM

Try here.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 25 Dec 15 - 11:57 AM

But what about the figgy pudding? We won't go until we've got some, you know!

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 25 Dec 15 - 09:37 AM

Said the Old Timer ....................









And me too personally !

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 25 Dec 15 - 09:36 AM

Ahhhh .............. buttered crumpets ......... my sort of Lady!

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: GUEST,Guest Eliza
Date: 25 Dec 15 - 08:46 AM

A small shadow appears in the darkest corner. It's an elderly lady clutching a buttered crumpet. She blinks in the firelight and smiles.
"Just wanted to wish everyone here a very Happy Christmas!" she warbles. And fades away once more...

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 25 Dec 15 - 05:46 AM

The old timer, slowly picked himself out of his chair ..... well it's seems it's about the right time..... He walks slowly to the door.... The saloon falls silent, he turns to face the crowd looks around for a few seconds and then turns back to the door reaching up he bolts it top and bottom, grabs the BANJO and then lets rip.





Oh ye canna kick your granny off a bus
oh ye canna kick your granny off a bus
oh ye canna kick your granny, cos she's your mammys mammy
oh ye canna kick your granny off a bus

That sure is f**king good whisky boys !!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Dec 15 - 11:10 PM

Party's getting interesting, he thinks, freeing LtS from durance vile and then prepares his camera. The pictures will be worth a pretty penny from the press.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: JennieG
Date: 24 Dec 15 - 11:06 PM

Snog is the plural of nog, i.e. many swigs of nog.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Amos
Date: 24 Dec 15 - 10:50 PM

The handsome stranger with the Martin finishes his song about thr SIrry Petes undeterred by the fatuous blustering of the kid with the cherry bombs, and grabs the lithest barmaid in the placer and recruits her into doing a duet in parts and voices. They perform a credible "Good King Wenceslas" with the barmaid sinigng the part of the page very prettily. The song done, they cuddle up with each other by the fireside and snog.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: mg
Date: 24 Dec 15 - 10:21 PM

Like the red and green flares they used to set off over there.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 Dec 15 - 09:49 PM

Yes, that will do. The fireworks will, when launched, write "Happy Holidays -- Christmas, Hanukkah, Festivus, Solstice Or Just Happy Days" across the sky. They'll exit through the hole in the roof and everyone will be able to see them. The various star clusters and balls should add grace notes.

Tough to set up, though.

And he drinks another Afterburner while idly fingering the detonator.

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: GUEST,😈
Date: 24 Dec 15 - 09:13 PM

Tonight's my lucky night.
The great event that comes but once a year.
Let's all praise and celebrate Saint Knickerless !!!

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: JennieG
Date: 24 Dec 15 - 06:28 PM

The clock has continued ticking over, and in the far-flung Antipodes it is already Christmas Day! A portly gentleman wearing red shorts and thongs (sandals, not undies.......get your mind back above your navel) and clutching a can of beer staggers in through the door followed by several reeling reindeer, just as the heavens opened outside.

"Did someone say rain, dear?" inquires a voice from the floor.

As the gentleman's eyes sung downwards (rapidly followed by the rest of him) he beheld a vision in lime green, orange and purple.

"My stars!" he gasped out. "is it......is it really......you?"

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: Severn
Date: 24 Dec 15 - 04:34 PM

The policeman finally finishes talking to the long haired fellow in the robe with the yellow circle around his head, flashes his badge and goes right into the loo as soon as Liz finally emerges amid angry rumbles from those in the line. When he comes out, he goes right over to Severn.
"Hey, buddy, even though that snowman revived, I still oughta charge you with-"
The grandfather clock chimes the hour.
".....Never mind. I'm off duty. I guess I'll go get a drink or two before I leave."

"Thank you for your kindness, officer, and Merry Christmas to you. But tell me please, was that guy you were talking to who I think it was?"

"I don't know, and I didn't want to press it, but you know, he patted me on the back when he thanked me, and I felt a strange tingling sensation. When I looked at myself in the restroom, both my goiter and my carbunckle had disappeared. Pretty spooky. But I thought I'd better quit while ahead lest I do or say anything wrong. Besides, who would believe me?"

"No body camera?"

Nope. 'Scuse me, but I definitely need a stiff drink."

Severn says, "Hmmmmmm...." andchecks his pocket for a pen, grabs a Poloroid Instamatic camera from the supply room and heads for the banquet room where the birthday party is going on......

Subject: RE: BS: Christmas Tavern 2015
From: GUEST,Raggytash
Date: 24 Dec 15 - 03:20 PM

Ah, the old timer rests back in his chair, close to the fire's warming glow. When was the first Christmas he saw, back in ..... back when, when he can hardly recall .......... he murmurs lowly, just to himself, ........ breathes slowly, ............. nobody notices or see's ........... ah........ that's what being an old timer means I guess he thinks to himself .......... he closes his eye, "boy am I tired" ........................... maybe this is the last time... Another small sip from the bottle ......... yeh maybe this is the last time...................