BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 03 Jan 16 - 04:25 AM

A Zebra on an exchange visit to an English farm, wanders around introducing himself to all the inhabitants.
He spies a sheep, trots over and says, "what are you??"
"I'm a sheep"
"And what do you do?"
"Well, I eat grass all day, every so often I'm taken to the shed, my wool is cut off to make clothes, and when I die my meat will be used to feed people and my fleece will make rugs and more clothes".
"Very good"; the Zebra trots off until he meets a horse; "What are you and what do you do?"
"I'm a horse; I'm fed and groomed; I give visiting children rides, sometimes pull about heavy machinery and when I die my hide will be used to make leather for shoes".
The Zebra trots off and eventually comes across a chicken; "What on earth are you and what could you possibly do?".
"I'm a chicken; I lay eggs for breakfast, and when I die my meat will be used to feed people".
Next, a cow, "I'm a cow, I graze all day, I give buckets and buckets of milk and when I die I'll be used to feed and clothe people - I'm probably the most useful animal on the farm".
Finally, the Zebra trots off to the farm end of the farm where he spots an enormous great bull.
He trots over and says, "I suppose you're another cow?"
The bull glowers at him; "Fuck off - I'm a bull".
"And what do you do?"
"Get those fuckin' pyjamas off and and I'll show you".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: beeliner
Date: 02 Jan 16 - 07:29 PM

From Joe F.:"Joseph tripped over a lamb, fell on the floor, and exclaimed "Jesus Christ!" "Say," said Mary, "Wonderful name for the kid."

I heard it a bit differently:

Joseph is working in his carpentry shop, suddenly, little Jesus runs in and asks "Dad, did you call me?"

"No, son", said Joseph, "I just hit my thumb with a hammer!"

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: beeliner
Date: 01 Jan 16 - 11:56 AM

I contributed one earlier as the worst I'd ever heard, but I just remembered another that's even worse, so here it is:

In a small town, two gentlemen, unrelated, passed away on the same day. Their bodies were, of course, taken to the local
mortuary along with clothing for the burial.

After the mortician had done his work, the two families were invited to preview the departed gentlemen prior to the visitations.

One of the deceased was wearing his conservative double-breasted suit, the other a somewhat sportier outfit.

Each family thought that the other gentlemen's clothing was more attractive and they asked the mortician if a switch could possibly
be made.

"No problem", said the mortician, "we'll take care of it right away."

Next day, at the visitation, both families were pleased with the attire of the deceased and thanked the mortician profusely for his
time and trouble.

"Oh", replied the mortician, "it really wasn't much trouble, we just switched heads."

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Donuel
Date: 31 Dec 15 - 07:38 PM

I have notified the Dyslexic Defense League to use Mrrzy for a million dollars.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Mrrzy
Date: 31 Dec 15 - 07:10 PM

What's the difference, since we're going there, speaking of double entendres, between a nymphomaniac, a hooker, and a Jewish American Princess?

The nympho says, Is that all?
The whore says, That's all!
And the JAP says (looking upwards)... Peach. I think I'll paint it...peach.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 31 Dec 15 - 07:02 AM

A man walks into a doctor's surgery, places his penis on the desk and says, "what do you make of that?"
The doctor closely examines it for a long time and finally announces, "Sorry, can't find anything wrong with it".
The man calmly puts it back in his pants, zips up and walks out saying, "Nope, it's pretty near perfect, isn't it?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 30 Dec 15 - 04:26 PM

How do you know when a Barnsley lass has an orgasm?

She drops her bag of chips

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: gillymor
Date: 30 Dec 15 - 01:50 PM

WARNING: Working blue here and possibly non-PC.

How do you make a Jewish American Princess scream in bed?

After you service her you get up and wipe off your pecker on the drapes.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 30 Dec 15 - 09:44 AM

Woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entedre, so the barman gave her one.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 30 Dec 15 - 04:20 AM

Think I might have told this before but I think it' worth re-telling.
An elderly couple farmed a rough piece of land on The Burren (about ten miles north of here)
The farm was about four miles outside of Lisdoonvarna and the only time either of them ever got out was the occasional time she cycled in to do the shopping.
One morning the man got up to find his wife dressed up in her Sunday clothes, ready to go out - the told him she was going to Lisdoon to have her hair done.
He began to think it was some sort of an occasion, an anniversary maybe, so he decided to use it to his advantage to try and make a romantic night of it, which they had long given up - too tired after a hard day's work.
He set about cleaning the house from top to bottom, dusted everything, shined the brass doorknobs... till the house was spotless.
Then he got out the best china, laid the table ready for a meal and placed candles round the room.
Finally, he changed all the linen on the bed, more candles, got some flowers from the field and placed them in a jar beside the bed, with a couple between the sheets.
Just as he was having a final look around he spotted a chest under the bed he had never noticed before, which he drew out and opened, only to find if was crammed full of paper money and right on the top, two hen's eggs.
When she came back from Lisdoon, he confronted her, demanding to know about the content of the chest.
She looked flustered and finally said, "Pat, I have a confession; I've been unfaithful to you, and each time, I was so ashamed that I took an egg from the hen-coop and placed it in the box to remind me of my sin".
He was stunned, but after a little thought, he finally said, "Well, after nearly fifty years of marriage, I suppose two lapses is understandable; but what about the money?"
She said, "well each time the number of eggs reached ten, I took them into Lisdoon, sold them in the market and put the money aside for a rainy day".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Mrrzy
Date: 29 Dec 15 - 10:06 PM

What's Beethoven's favorite fruit? Ba-na-na-naa!
(This one works in French too: Pom-pom-pom-poomme)

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 29 Dec 15 - 09:13 PM

Jim: "Did you know that Beethoven was so deaf he thought he was a painter?"

They tried to tell him...but he wouldn't hear of it!

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 29 Dec 15 - 05:57 AM

Did you know that Beethoven was so deaf he thought he was a painter?
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 29 Dec 15 - 04:47 AM

A young couple were driving home from as dance when he pulls the car into a quiet country land and they began fumbling and fondling.
After a while he says, "Get in the back seat" and she replies "No".
They continue their passionate shenanigans until the car steams up and he says again "Get in the back seat", to which she replies "No".
Eventually, after several tries, he becomes so frustrated and angry that he pushes her into her seat, slams the car into gear and races off at a great rate until they come to her front door, where he says, "Get out".
Tearfully, she dos so, and as she disappears up the path he asks after her, "Why wouldn't you get into the back seat?"
"I wanted to stay in the front, with you".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST,Musket
Date: 29 Dec 15 - 03:41 AM

Back in the old folk club days that some of us get nostalgic about, groaning yet excellent jokes tended to be delivered perfectly by the late lamented Tony Capstick. I can still picture him now, with his one liners whilst tuning his guitar;

What's the difference between light and hard? You can go to sleep with the light on.

What have Lobster Thermidor and a blow job got in common? You don't get either in our bloody house.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: gillymor
Date: 28 Dec 15 - 06:11 PM

What do you call a highly regarded west coast spiritual medium with really bad breath?

A SuperCaliforniaPsychicExtraHalitosis.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Joe_F
Date: 28 Dec 15 - 05:59 PM

An oldie but baddie:

"How's the wife?"
"She's in bed with laryngitis."
"Damn those Greeks."

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 28 Dec 15 - 06:05 AM

Trainee priest walking through the Seminary grounds, falls face flat in the mud while climbing a stile
"Oh shit!! Fuck, I said shit!! Shit, I said Fuck!! Ah bollocks; I didn't want to be a priest anyway!!

Or;
A young novice is seduced by a priest.
Straightening down her habit, she says, "What am I going to tell the Mother Superior about allowing myself to be seduced twice?"
"But I only seduced you once".
"You're not in a hurry, are you?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Joe_F
Date: 27 Dec 15 - 10:35 PM

Joseph tripped over a lamb, fell on the floor, and exclaimed "Jesus Christ!" "Say," said Mary, "Wonderful name for the kid."

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: gillymor
Date: 27 Dec 15 - 01:37 PM

What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

"Make me one with everything."

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST,Pete from seven stars link
Date: 27 Dec 15 - 01:23 PM

Courtesy of a FB friend.......how did mary and Joseph know Jesus weighed exactly 2lb ,6ozs.................they had .....a weigh in the manger.....

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Dec 15 - 04:32 PM

A dyslexic walked into a bra...

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Mr Red
Date: 26 Dec 15 - 06:28 AM

A man stepped into a bar and went "Squelch"

It was a Mars bar.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST,Mad jock
Date: 26 Dec 15 - 06:03 AM

A man ran into a bar

OUCH!

It was an iron bar.

Subject: RE: Secret Santa 2015 Gift Echange
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Dec 15 - 09:37 PM

Will exchange Waffle Bot for Columbian 12 string guitar.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Joe_F
Date: 24 Dec 15 - 04:17 PM

What's dumber than a dumb Dane?
A smart Swede.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Mr Red
Date: 24 Dec 15 - 04:54 AM

Swedish joke, though the Norwegians tell it the other way.

How do you sink a Norwegian Submarine? Done scuba gear and knock on the door.

How do you sink a Danish Sub? Lend it to the Norwegians.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 Dec 15 - 04:02 AM

What do you call a reindeer with no eyes?

No idea.

What do you call a reindeer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no idea.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 24 Dec 15 - 04:00 AM

Two Welsh ladies conversing through the wall of their back-to-back lavatories at the bottom of their respective yards .
"Nnngg (straining) Is that you, Mrs Thomas?".
"Nnngg....! (also straining) It is Mrs Pugh"
"Nnnngggg....! Ow are you all doin'?"
"Nnnggggg...! Fine Mrs Pugh".
"Nnnggggg....! O'w's your 'ubby, still workin'?
"Nnnnnnggggg...! Fine Mrs Pugh"; we're all fine Mrs Pugh"
"Nnnngggg....! And your son Dai; 'aven't seen 'im for a long time"
"Nnnngggg....! 'e's fine as well; 'e's livin in Cardiff".
"Nnnnngggg....! Ooo – there's strange for you; what's 'e doin' there?"
"Nnnngggg.....! E's got a jb in the theatre; 'e's playin' 'amlet".
"Nnnnnnnnnnnuuuugggggggggggg!!! Oooo, that's a 'ard part.
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 24 Dec 15 - 03:26 AM

Jim's has put me in mind of the dialogue, always for some reason in a Welsh accent:

"Have you heard about Megan?"

"No. What about her then?"

"Going to get married, she is."

"Pregnant, is it?"

"No."

"Oh, there is posh!"

≈M≈

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 09:57 PM

The leader of a far country, called the Shan, was epileptic, and had a minder who was supposed to keep him from injuring himself. One day the minder had to go to the bathroom and the Shan had a seizure and fell off the balcony. The minder was asked in fury, Where were you when the fit hit the Shan?

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 08:37 PM

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 08:35 PM

Then there's the Welsh one - works fine in a lilting Welsh accent.
"What's this I've 'eard Mrs Jones, 'ave you been goin' round tellin' everybody my 'usband's got a wart on the end of 'is Willie?"
"Oooooo! - I never said no such thing Mrs Evans - I only said it felt like it 'ad".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 08:30 PM

Horribly spoilt brat refused to eat his dinner and just sat and sulked at the table.
His mother patiently attempted to mollify him - "look - tell me what you want to eat - anything - and I'll get it for you.
He sat and thought, and finally said "some worms".
"You mean spaghetti?"
"No", he pouted, "some real worms from the garden".
She remonstrated, and finally went out into the garden, gingerly picked out a few worms, washed them, chopped them up, put them in a bowl and placed them before him.
"Want some custard on them", he snarled.
Another argument, and finally she got some custard and poured it on the worms and placed it in front of him again.
He stared at her defiantly; "you try them first".
Determined not to give in this time, she refused, until at last she saw he wasn't going to eat anything until she did, so she closed her eyes and put a spoonful in her mouth.
He immediately flew into a tantrum and began to kick her under the table.
"What's the matter now?" she said, at the end of her tether.
"You've just eaten the bit I wanted".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 07:07 PM

Unfunny in the extreme.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 03:41 PM

A little girl at school unfortunately keeps losing control and wets herself in class. The teacher tries to be very supportive but the problem continues. She says to the girl" whenever you want to go just put your hand up."
A few days pass and the teacher is walking amost the classroom when she notices a small puddle under the little girls chair.
I thought I said just put your hand up she says sympatheticaly.
"I did" replies the girl... "But it trickled through my fingers."

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 01:19 PM

A teacher asked the class to bring in something medical for the next domestic science class.
Little Mary brings in a roll of bandage and some Germoline
"Very good Mary" says the teacher.
Tommy brings in some Iodine and a roll of cotton wool.
"Excellent Tommy".
Twenty minutes late, the tearaway of the class comes in trundling an iron lung - the teacher is flabbergasted.
"Where on arth did you get that Johnny"
"It's me dad's"
"Didn't he say anything when you took it?"
"yeah - aaaghhhhhhhh!"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Newport Boy
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 12:17 PM

A little girl came home from school and said to her mother: "Mum, the boys at school keep asking me to do handstands against the wall."

Mum: "That's just because they want see your knickers."

Little girl (scornfully): "I know that. That's why I keep my knickers in my schoolbag."

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST,Mad jock
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 11:29 AM

I don't care what star you are following ! Get those camels out of my garden!

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Bill D
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 11:24 AM

2 girls go to a photographer for a portrait.

The photographer bends down and covers his head with a black cloth... (yes, *I* remember that.)

1st girl to friend: "What's he doing there?"

2nd girl: "He's gonna focus."

1st girl: "What!? Both of us?"

-----------------------------

My father told us kids that over 60 years ago. My mother yelled at him for it.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 11:10 AM

The Catalan thank you for the correction, Bainbo!

What's the best time to go to the dentist?
Tooth-hurty!

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Hamish
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 10:43 AM

Would you remarry if I were to die?
I guess so.
Oh. Would you live in this house?
Probably.
Would you sleep in this bed?
Why not?
Would you play golf with your new wife?
I expect so.
Would she use my clubs?
No. She's left-handed.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 04:59 AM

A bloke goes to a party wearing a foil tart case as a codpiece.

What have you come as? Said the host.

An emotion, he replied.

I'm fucking dis custard.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST,Guest from Sanity
Date: 23 Dec 15 - 03:38 AM

Dammit kids!!...How many times have I told you NOT TO DO That..or you'll GO BLIND!!!?????!!!!











































                                              hey Dad. we're over here

GfS

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 07:42 PM

Guy arrives at a fancy dress party with a beautiful, naked young woman riding piggyback.

"What have you come as?" asked the host.

"A tortoise!" exclaimed the man.

"Well what's that naked woman on your back?"

"That's Michelle!"

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Leadfingers
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 01:15 PM

Guy arrives at a Christmas Theme party naked except for a pair of lace trimmed French knikers - When asked how they fit thr thrme , he says "they're Carols"

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: John on the Sunset Coast
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 01:09 PM

peace should be piece. too many holiday greeting messing with my spelling.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: John on the Sunset Coast
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 01:08 PM

Woman goes to a furniture store and asks for a sexual sofa.
The sales person corrects her--you mean a sectional sofa.
Sexual, sectional, whatever. I just want an occasional peace.

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: GUEST,Bob Hitchcock at work
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 12:40 PM

A lady goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I need some contradictive pills".

The doctor sys "Madam I think your ignorant".

Lady says "yes I am, three months"

Subject: RE: BS: A Couple of Bad Jokes
From: Bill D
Date: 22 Dec 15 - 10:29 AM

So... a panhandler stops a guy on the street and says: "Pardon me, sir, I'm homeless. Could you spare $5,000 to help me out?"

"What? $5,000? Are you crazy?"

"I'm just putting all my begs in one ask it."