BS: First Joke Thread of 2016

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 29 Dec 16 - 05:24 AM

My ex wife always told me when she had really enjoyed making love.... she even phoned me from Hong-~Kong once.

My ex wife was a good housekeeper, when we separated she kept the house.

She left me to run off with my best friend... I was totally devastated.... I really miss him!

She had everything a man could want..... hairy legs, hairy chest, beard.........

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Dec 16 - 10:26 PM

Like fantasy football gambling, it looks like NASCAR will support a new gambling scheme like wheel of fortune giving prizes to viewers at home. The trick is betting on the car with the fewest picks and I got it.
What was it Bob?
its the #32 Maxi Tampex car
What exactly do you have to do?
I had to pull a few strings




I was told I should talk while making love in new places to make it more exciting
"what did you say?
I said don't be nervous I don't see any cars comin.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Dec 16 - 09:26 AM

I was reminded of this old chestnut about Vermonters, but you can substitute anyone. Anyway, two of them went bear hunting in the woods. They came to a fork in the road and were discussing which way to take it when they noticed the sign, which said Bear Left. So they went home.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 22 Dec 16 - 12:33 PM

Policeman walking along the road spots a man lying face down on the pavement with his trousers pulled down and another kneeling beside him with a finger stuck up his backside
Hello, hello, hello - what are you two men doing" he asked?
"my mate's drunk and I'm trying to make him throw up to get him sober"
You'll never get him to be sick like that".
I will when I put my finger in his mouth".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Dec 16 - 09:10 PM

Beautiful young woman is sitting on the bus with her tiny baby. She takes out her breast to feed the child, but he shakes his head vigorously and refuses to latch on.

Trying to entice him to feed, she says "Now you'd better have this otherwise I'll give it to the man in the next seat!"

She tries again but still the babe shakes his head and refuses.

"Now I won't tell you again, either you have your milk or the man in the next seat will get it!"

This goes on for a while but the baby adamantly refuses every time, despite her threats.

Eventually, the man in the next seat exclaims, "Will you please get your baby to make its bloody mind up? I should have got off three stops ago!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Dec 16 - 04:51 PM

What do you call a stolen Tesla, an Edison?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 08 Dec 16 - 11:50 AM

Did you hear that James Bond slept through an earthquake? Apparently he was shaken, but not stirred.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 Dec 16 - 02:15 PM

So, is feeling panicky from getting stuck in an elevator with too many Santas a case of claustrophobia?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 30 Nov 16 - 06:33 AM

Shortly after I took off on an Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to Boston a few weeks ago, air hostess nervously announced that the catering department made a terrible mistake. A big mixup she said. Although 226 passengers on board they received only 80 dinners. She apologised but said that anybody who is kind enough to give up their meal to somebody who is hungry would receive free unlimited drinks for the remainder of the flight. The next announcement came 2 hours later when she said, ' If anybody is hungry we still have 80 dinners available.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 29 Nov 16 - 07:23 PM

A Connemara man applied for a job on a building site and was asked to sit an exam
The examiner asked, What's the difference between a girder and a joist?"
He replied, "Girder wrote Faust, Joist wrote Ulysses"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 16 Nov 16 - 05:08 PM

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said "I am Stephen Curry, the best NBA basketball player. The Warriors and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The 2nd passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am the newly-elected US President, and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don't want me to die." He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10 year old schoolboy, "My son, I am old and don't have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The little boy said, "That's okay, Your Holiness, there's a parachute left for you. America 's smartest President took my schoolbag."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Oct 16 - 12:37 AM

Is your refrigerator running?

If so, I'd vote for it.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 24 Oct 16 - 02:08 PM

That was a crap joke - literally!!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Oct 16 - 07:34 PM

Dung beetle walks into a bar... "Is this stool taken?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Oct 16 - 11:50 AM

should say gave me a good chuckle

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Oct 16 - 11:49 AM

Mrrzy.... that face me a good chuckle.....

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 21 Oct 16 - 08:14 AM

Couple were where cycling along the road on a tandem when a dog ran out and threw a bucket of water over them
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 21 Oct 16 - 12:52 AM

A horse walks into a bar and orders a pint. The barkeeper says "You're in here pretty often. Think you might be an alcoholic?" To which the horse says, "I don't think I am" and vanishes from existence.
See, the joke is about Descartes' famous philosophy of 'I think; therefore I am.", but to explain that part before the rest of the joke would be to put Descartes before the horse.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 18 Oct 16 - 09:36 PM

For the Americans: How many cops does it take to throw a black guy down the stairs?
None. He tripped.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 15 Oct 16 - 09:01 AM

FLYING WITH YOUR DOG

A woman called our airline 
customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.

"Sure," I told her, "as long as you provide your own kennel." I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over."

The customer was flummoxed: 
"I'll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 14 Oct 16 - 05:56 AM

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from SalfordUniversity UK.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Pete approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Pete worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face Pete and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Pete stood frozen, thinking he might be attacked. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Pete never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Pete was walking through Chester Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son David were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Pete, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at Pete.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Pete could not help thinking that this was the same elephant. He summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared at it in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Petes' legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Oct 16 - 08:33 PM

Little boy had never uttered a single word for the first seven years of his life. His parents, desperate, had taken him to psychiatrists and child psychologists over and over again, all to no avail.

One day, the family were sitting round the dinner table when the lad suddenly spurted out "Jesus Christ, mum, this gravy is absolute bloody SHITE!! Are you trying to friggin' poison me or something??!"

His thankful mother, ignoring the criticism, burst into tears of joy at the fact that her son had spoken at last.

"But why," she asked through the tears, "haven't you said a single word until now??"

The lad replied "Because the bloody food's been all right up to now!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 13 Oct 16 - 06:41 AM

My mother-in-law bought a talking parrot.
but she took it back a week later.
"This parrot hasn't said anything yet!" she complained.
"I haven't had a blood' chance yet!" replied the parrot

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: keberoxu
Date: 12 Oct 16 - 11:41 PM

Oh dear. Dave O went through "A Joke for Each State," and left out New Mexico. A joke by omission, as in, "One of our Fifty is Missing...."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 12 Oct 16 - 11:29 PM

What do you call a camel with no humps? Humphrey!

--also--

Ever had sex while camping? It's fucking intense!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Sep 16 - 06:07 PM

Olympics, huh? OK, another rehash.

I was walking through the Olympic park when I saw a man carrying a very long stick.

"Are you a pole-vaulter?" I asked him.

"No, I'm a German," he replied, "but how did you know my name was Walter?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 21 Sep 16 - 05:55 PM

Also from the Internet:

Sean Connery tried to cover up his bathroom smell with Fabreze, but it left everything smelling like shitrus.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 13 Aug 16 - 12:59 PM

Love a new knockknock joke!

What's the coolest Olympic sport?

The heptathlon, of course. It's crazy wild, man.

Stolen from Mike du jour

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: ChanteyLass
Date: 12 Aug 16 - 03:37 PM

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Annie and Tom.
Annie and Tom who?
Annie and (sing) Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love ya, tomorrow, you're only a day away!

I've been trying to incorporate song fragments into jokes for senior citizen's exercise classes at my local Y.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Aug 16 - 05:52 AM

I though it was Davy Crockett who was king of the wild front ear. Still, you live and learn....

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 11 Aug 16 - 08:47 PM

OK, did you know Spock actually had 3 ears? Left, right, and the final front ear.

Stolen from the Internet.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Joe Offer
Date: 01 Aug 16 - 12:46 AM

From the infamous Ed Silberman of the San Francisco Folk Music Club:

Shelia Kay Adams told this one when she was out here a few years ago.
Q: Whats' the difference between "naked" and "nekkid"?
A: "Naked is when you have no clothes on. "Nekkid" is when you have no clothes on and you're up to no good."

Full Disclosure (click)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Jul 16 - 07:32 PM

Ok. I'll rehash this old chestnut.

Little boy goes into frozen food shop and says to the man "My mum says can I have a packet of Birdseye Pissoles please. "

Man frowns, then smiles and says "Ah, of course, little boy, but next time try to remember that it's an R, not a P!"

"OK," says the boy, "My mum says can I have a packet of Birdseye Arseholes please."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 31 Jul 16 - 07:18 PM

you call that being a critic?

Eric André (Andrez) is a hyperactive and dysfunctional self declared host who has awkward moments with guests, makes senseless criticisms, or otherwise fails to properly maintain his screen presence. He often overreacts during interviews, acts aggressively towards his crew members, diverts from the script, and refuses to read the jokes (all of which is intended acting, nevertheless it is weak.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Andrez
Date: 31 Jul 16 - 06:11 PM

Dave O where are you? There hasn't been a joke that is actually funny in this thread since May! :-(

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 31 Jul 16 - 05:07 PM

advanced neddyfication of flanderized ubiquitin

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 31 Jul 16 - 10:48 AM

Who, our ex-governoriddly?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 31 Jul 16 - 09:30 AM

Tim Caine = Ned Flanders w/o a moustache.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 31 Jul 16 - 04:34 AM

My ex wife once stood in front of a full length mirror in our bedroom. She stated ''My hair is thinning, I am getting crows feet wrinkles by my eyes, my breasts are sagging and have stretch marks, my belly has stretch marks, my bum and thighs are covered with cellulite..... please tell me there's something good about me'' So I did!! I said ''Your eyesight is perfect darling!!''

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 Jul 16 - 10:32 PM

The madam puts a blowup doll in bed, because none of her girls wanted to do the town drunk. A minute later he comes back out of the bedroom - was there a problem, asks the madam? I dunno, says the drunk, I bit her on the tit... and she farted and flew out the window.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 Jul 16 - 07:02 PM

I heard that Hillary Clinton won't be any good at job creation - the last job she had in the White House she outsourced to Monica Lewinsky... who blew it.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Pete from seven stars link
Date: 06 Jul 16 - 06:21 PM

Sounds like the comedy joke ....minus the bad laquage, the one liner "what's the secret of good comedy", cut in on by the word TIMING !.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Jul 16 - 05:44 PM

Agreed. Un-po your face, Andrez!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Jul 16 - 10:08 AM

it doesn't work if you don't *interrupt* with FUCK or something. I used the other word only as an unambiguous noun - when do we FUCK might have not been "gotten" - and yeah, I thought it was funny. Of course it's not funny TO have Tourette's, but that doesn't mean the joke can't be funny. You didn't like it; doesn't make it not funny.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Andrez
Date: 06 Jul 16 - 08:10 AM

Sorry Steve, still not funny. It took me a while to realise you were talking about Tourette's Syndrome and I had to go and look it up again, doesn't sound at all like fun for the kids with this particular condition. For anyone wanting to know what Tourette's is check out:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tourette_syndrome

It might have been marginally funnier if you used TRUMP or BREXIT or FARAGE but no we had to go for the obvious, unoriginal and derogatory option didn't we?

This is meant to be a joke thread. So lets just keep FUNNY!

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jul 16 - 09:03 PM

He missed a bit out. I never type rude words but I shall make an exception just this once. Ahem.

What do we want?

A cure for Tourette's!

When do we want it?

CUNT!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Andrez
Date: 05 Jul 16 - 08:53 PM

Thats meant to be funny?

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Jul 16 - 06:00 PM

What do we want? A cure for Tourette's! And when do we CUNT!!!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Jun 16 - 06:53 AM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YzRbC7lQ-EQ

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 29 Jun 16 - 02:43 AM

What did Santa Claus say to the three prostitutes?




Ho! Ho! Ho!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 15 Jun 16 - 09:46 AM

We were so poor...

...blues singers would show up at our house when they had writer's block.

--Otis Lee Crenshaw (heard on Comedy Central)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 May 16 - 11:45 AM

A Letter to God

A little boy wanted a bicycle very badly, but was told he couldn't have it because it would cost $100, and the family just didn't couldn't afford that in this bad economy.

He prayed for weeks, but nothing happened, so he decided God just couldn't hear his tiny little voice, so he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter to "God, USA", they decided to send it to the President. And sure enough, it ended up being one of the sample letters that reached President Obama's inbox.

The president was so touched that he put a $5 bill in the envelope and sent it to the little boy. The president thought that this would appear to be a lot of money to such a young child.

The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God:

    Dear God,

    Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason the incompetents at the post office routed it through Washington D.C., and that damned Democrat Obama took $95 in taxes.

    Sincerely,
    Timmy

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: frogprince
Date: 10 May 16 - 10:34 AM

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident. The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting, they begin to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him.

St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he leaves.
The couple sat and waited, and waited. 9 weeks passed and the couple are still waiting. While waiting, they began to wonder what would happen if it didn't work out; could you get a divorce in heaven. After yet another month, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.
"Yes,' he informs the couple, 'you can get married in Heaven.'"Great!' said the couple, 'But we were just wondering, what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?' St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the ground. 'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple. "OH, COME ON!', St. Peter shouted, 'It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 May 16 - 07:45 PM

I like your Missouri and Noo Joysey ones best, Dave! Your Minnesota one reminds me of a description off the English climate I heard decades ago - nine months of winter and three months of bad weather. 😳

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 May 16 - 07:19 PM

A Joke for Each State

Massachusetts
Lewis Black on Boston traffic: "The last person to get across that town in under three hours was yelling, 'The British are coming! The British are coming!'"

Michigan
What do you call 40 guys watching the Super Bowl on television? The Detroit Lions.

Minnesota
What are the four seasons in Minnesota? Almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.

Mississippi
How do you know when you're staying in a Mississippi hotel? When you call the front desk and say, "I've gotta leak in my sink," and the person at the front desk says, "Go ahead."

Missouri
A man from Kansas City walks into a bar and asks, "Wanna hear a joke about people from St. Louis?"

The bartender says, "Listen, pal, I'm from St. Louis, and I won't appreciate it. The man sitting next to you is 265 pounds, and he's from St. Louis too. And the bouncer, that huge guy there, is also from St. Louis. So do you still want to tell that joke?"

"No," says the guy from Kansas City. "Not if I have to explain it three times."

Montana
Four women are driving across the country together, each one from a different state: Idaho, Nebraska, Montana, and California. Shortly after the trip begins, the woman from Idaho pulls potatoes from her bag and throws them out the window. "What are you doing?" asks the Nebraskan.

"We have so many of these things in Idaho, I'm sick of looking at them."

A moment later, the gal from Nebraska pulls ears of corn from her bag and tosses them from the window. "What are you doing?" asks the gal from Montana.

"We have so many of these things in Nebraska, I'm sick of looking at them."

Inspired, the Montanan opens the car door and kicks the Californian out.

Nebraska
Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada
Las Vegas: All the amenities of modern society in a habitat unfit to grow a tomato. --Jason Love

New Hampshire
The state motto is "Live Free or Die", which appears on license plates made by prisoners. --Jon Stewart on The Daily Show

New Jersey
Why does New Jersey have all the toxic waste dumps and New York have all the lawyers?

New Jersey got first choice.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Joe_F
Date: 14 Apr 16 - 06:19 PM

A doctor, a lawyer, and a physicist were having a drink, and the topic of conversation was: Is it better to have a wife, or a mistress?
A wife, says the doctor: there are various diseases you are somewhat more likely to get from a mistress.
A mistress, says the lawyer: then, if it doesn't work out, you don't have the agony of a divorce.
A wife *and* a mistress, says the physicist, because then, when your wife thinks you're with your mistress, and your mistress thinks you're with your wife, you can do *physics*.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Apr 16 - 01:35 PM

The Fire at the University

Three professors -- a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician -- are at a department head meeting when a fire breaks out in a wastebasket.

They all have different methods of dealing with the emergency.

The physicist says, "I know what to do! We must cool down the materials until their temperature is lower than their ignition temperature and then the fire will go out."

The chemist says, "No! No! I know what to do! We must cut off the supply of oxygen so that the fire will go out due to lack of one of the reactants."

As the physicist and the chemist debate what to do, the statistician runs around the room lighting more fires.

"What are you doing?!" the physicist and the chemist scream.

The statistician replies, "We're going to need a larger sample size."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 08 Apr 16 - 09:44 AM

Chosen for Jury Duty

A man who was chosen for jury duty very much wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked.

On the day of the trial he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin he asked if he could approach the bench.

"Your Honor," he said, "I must be excused from this trial because I am prejudiced against the defendant."

"Oh?" the judge said.

"Yes!" the man replied. "I took one look at the man in the blue suit with those beady eyes and that dishonest face and I said 'He's a crook! He's guilty, guilty, guilty' So your Honor, I could not possibly stay on this jury!"

The judge replied, "Get back in the jury box. You are just the kind of juror we are looking for--a good judge of character."

"But your honor!" the man protested. "How can you say that?"

"Because," the judge said, "that man is the defendant's lawyer."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Apr 16 - 09:58 AM

Airline Travel: The Next Generation

Airlines are charging "extras" now for thing that
used to be included as a matter of course. Here's a
taste of the future:

- - -

Attendant: Welcome aboard U.S. Airways, sir. May I see your ticket?

Passenger: Sure.

Attendant: You're in seat 12B. That will be $5, please!

Passenger: What for?

Attendant: For telling you where to sit.

Passenger: But I already knew where to sit.

Attendant: Nevertheless, we are now charging a seat locator fee of $5. It's the airline's new policy.

Passenger: That's the craziest thing I ever heard. I won't pay it.

Attendant: Sir, do you want a seat on this flight, or not?

Passenger: Yes, yes. All right, I'll pay. But the airline is going to hear about this.

Attendant: Thank you. My goodness, your carry-on bag looks heavy. Would you like me to stow it in the overhead compartment for you?

Passenger: That would be swell, thanks.

Attendant: No problem. Up we go, and done! That will be $10, please.

Passenger: What?

Attendant: The airline now charges a $10 carry-on assistance fee.

Passenger: This is extortion. I won't stand for it.

Attendant: Actually, you're right, you can't stand. You need to sit, And fasten your seat belt. We're about to push back from the gate. But, first I need that $10.

Passenger: No way!

Attendant: Sir, if you don't comply, I will be forced to call the air marshal -- and you really don't want me to do that.

Passenger: Why not? Is he going to shoot me?

Attendant: No, but there's a $50 air-marshal hailing fee.

Passenger: Oh, all right, here, take the $10. I can't believe this.

Attendant: Thank you for your cooperation, sir. Is there anything else I can do for you?

Passenger: Yes. It's stuffy in here, and my overhead fan doesn't seem to work. Can you fix it?

Attendant: Your overhead fan is not broken, sir. Just insert two quarters into the Overhead coin slot for the first five minutes.

Passenger: The airline is charging me for cabin air?

Attendant: Of course not, sir. Stagnant cabin air is provided free of charge. It's the circulating air that costs 50 cents.

Passenger: I don't have any quarters. Can you make change for a dollar?

Attendant: Certainly, sir! Here you go!

Passenger: But you've given me only three quarters for my dollar.

Attendant: Yes, there's a change-making fee of 25 cents.

Passenger: For cryin' out loud. All I have left is a lousy quarter? What the heck can I do with this?

Attendant: Hang onto it, it'll probably come in handy later.

Passenger (finally getting suspicious): What for?

Attendant: You may need it later for the lavatory.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Apr 16 - 09:41 AM

Two Golf Twosomes

John and Hy were out playing golf on a nice Saturday afternoon. They were getting frustrated, though, because the two women who were playing right in front of them were quite slow and were holding up the men's game.

"Don't they know they're supposed to let us play through?" John asked.

"I guess not," Hy replied.

"I'm going to go ask them if we can play through," John said. "Enough is enough."

He started walking over toward the women, but as he got close, he suddenly turned around and came back, white as a ghost.

"Oh God," John said to his friend, "This is awful. You're going to have to ask them!"

"Why?" Hy asked.

"One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress!" John said, still shaking.

"No sweat," Hy said -- but just as he was getting close, he turned around and came running back too.

"What happened?" John asked.

"Well, let me tell you," Hy said. "It's a small world!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 07 Apr 16 - 09:35 AM

Teenagers are like Cats

How so? Well, consider:

Neither teenagers nor cats turn their heads when you call them by name.

No matter what you do for them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting on them hand and foot.

You rarely see a cat walking outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.

Even if you tell jokes as well as David Letterman, neither your cat nor your teen will ever crack a smile.

No cat nor teenager shares your taste in music.

Cats and teenagers can lie on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving, barely breathing.

Cats have nine lives. Teenagers carry on as if they did.

Cats and teenagers yawn in exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.

No cat nor any teenager has ever improved anyone's furniture.

Cats that are free to roam outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom. Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.

Thus, if you must raise teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on cats at hand at all times. And remember above all else, put out the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction. When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment for all concerned.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: JenBurdoo
Date: 26 Mar 16 - 11:54 PM

That British Empire joke reminded me of another I learned from Isaac Asimov:

In the good old days of the Empire, a civil servant and his family moved to Khartoum. As the man and his son explored the city, they found a magnificent equestrian statue of "Chinese" Gordon. The father lovingly described Gordon's patriotism, his faith, his bravery, and how he was regarded as a martyr and a hero by all the Empire.

The boy was impressed, and became enamored of the statue. He often went to visit and admire it. Years later, as the family was about to be transferred elsewhere, the father went out to discover his son paying the statue a respectful farewell. He was gratified and moved by his son's reverence for this great hero of the British Empire.

As they left, his son said, "Father, there is something I have always wondered about that statue."

"What is it, son?"

"Who is that man who sits on Gordon?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Mar 16 - 08:06 PM

Bernie Sanders and his deputy running mate Birdie Sanders promised Colorado voters Pot in every chicken.



At an NIH research funding hearing:
What research do you have to present today Dr. Menice?

" We have what All Of America needs..."

Excuse me Dr. but you should apply to the FDA . We do not fund olive research.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: frogprince
Date: 26 Mar 16 - 05:14 PM

I found my first gray pubic hair today. I usually don't let something like this bother me, but this one was in my Big Mac.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 26 Mar 16 - 09:51 AM

Hole-In-What?

A group of golfers were putting on the green when suddenly a ball dropped in their midst. One of the party winked at the others and shoved the ball into the hole with his foot. Seconds later a very fat player puffed on to the green, quite out of breath.

"Excuse me," he said as he looked around distractedly. "Have you seen my ball?"

"Yeah, it went in the hole," the joker answered with straight-faced alacrity.

"Really?!" The fat guy said, unbelieving.

"Take a look," the jokester said, pointing at the hole as the rest of his foursome looked in in amusement.

The guy waddled over to the hole, looked in, reached down and picked up his ball. His astonishment was plain to see.

"Woo hoo!!" he exclaimed.

Then he turned, spotted his partner, and shouted out at the top of his lungs, "Hey, Sam, guess what?! I got an eleven!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: GUEST,Paul Clarke
Date: 19 Mar 16 - 09:29 PM

Some great gags on here.
My favourite of the moment:
"Doctor, doctor! People keep misunderstanding me."
"OK. Please can you describe the symptoms?"
"Yes, it's an American TV cartoon series with yellow people in… "

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Mar 16 - 03:14 PM

Pollyanna couldn't wait to open Pandoras gift till Xmas

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 19 Mar 16 - 07:49 AM

Two Cannibals

Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.

Before long, a little old man came by. The son said, "Oh Dad, there's one!"

"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."

A little while later, along came a very large man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."

"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat on that one. We'll just wait."

About an hour later, an absolutely gorgeous woman came past them. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one, Dad. Let's eat her!"

"No," said the father. "We will not eat her either."

"Why not?" asked the son. "She's not too skinny, she's not too fat. She's just right!"

"Right," the father replied. "We're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Mar 16 - 11:09 AM

A French cheese shop exploded. What was left? Debris!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Mar 16 - 05:39 PM

Back on QVC Donald was hawking some of his 'new' products.

"You are gonna love these folks their great their great. They said I didn't love the women but I love the women. You know who these are for, she's gonna love these, Here they are; TRUMPONS TRUMPONS
TRUMPONS they are huge absolutely huge. they are great, really great and over here this is really great, its a trilobite double processor Trumplet. Put all your photos and music here folks. TRUMPLETS folks get them while they last. Yeah they are great.

OK Ok how many of you folks like puppies? They are great aren't they well this is greater than great, I have covered the kennel fees from Florida and Ohio for all the puppies from closed puppy mills so you can have a chance to own a Trump Pet. They are super great. You can have them at cost. Get your very own TRUMP Pet."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: frogprince
Date: 12 Mar 16 - 11:39 AM

Well, gnu, now we know what kind of scruffy ne'er-do-well you swap jokes with... : )

(skim back just to 3 March am.)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: gnu
Date: 12 Mar 16 - 11:07 AM

Haven't read this thread in a while so apologies if this been posted previously...

In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, 'You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, He's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.'

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.

'Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.'

'Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of…..'

At that point, the colonel interrupted, 'Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck off.'

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Jim Dixon
Date: 10 Mar 16 - 03:26 PM

(The first entry in this thread reminded me of this:)

A teacher addresses her pupils: "Today, children, I'm offering a prize. Whoever answers the first question correctly will be excused from class for the rest of the day."

Just then, a resounding fart is heard.

"Who did that?" demands the teacher.

"I did," says Little Johnny. "Can I leave now?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Mar 16 - 04:38 PM

I had the chance to be first to try out our new video International Conference Call app. First to call in and register was England followed by Scotland, Spain and Germany.

I struggled to get the video to display each person when I asked,
"can you see me"? They said,

Yes
Aye
si
Yah

I was pleased they all spoke English when the translator apparently broke.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Thompson
Date: 09 Mar 16 - 12:05 PM

A company director was looking for a really really really good computer programmer to make the ultimate app for him. A programmer was recommended — "and he's so good that his hands are actually golden".
He arranged to meet the programmer, who was wearing fine black leather gloves. He tried every way he could to get the programmer to take off the gloves, and finally asked him "I've heard you have 'golden hands' — is that really true?"
"Sure," the programmer said and stripped off a glove.
The director looked closely. It seemed like a perfectly ordinary human-coloured hand to him. "It doesn't look gold to me," he said.
"Ah," said the programmer. "No one who's a cuckold can see the gold."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Mar 16 - 01:50 PM

What worries bats most as they get older?

Incontinence...

(Think about it)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Mar 16 - 12:46 PM

Jaysus, that's a good 'un!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: GUEST,#
Date: 03 Mar 16 - 10:08 AM

It got me too, gillymor. Best laugh in a week.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: gillymor
Date: 03 Mar 16 - 10:00 AM

lol,#.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: GUEST,#
Date: 03 Mar 16 - 09:56 AM

Just rec'd by email from two friends.



In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc.) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, 'You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, He's my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.'

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.

'Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.'

'Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I've represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of…..'

At that point, the colonel interrupted, 'Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to fuck off.'

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Feb 16 - 01:34 PM

Breast Enlargement the Easy Way

A flat-chested young lady went to a popular surgeon known for "no scars" about enlarging her breasts.

To her shock, Dr. Cutter advised her, "Every day after your shower, rub your chest and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies!" He guaranteed success and, figuring she had nothing to lose, she did what he told her to do faithfully for several months.

To her utter amazement she grew terrific D-cup boobs! One morning she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual.

Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle of the bus, closed her eyes and said quietly, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies."

She apparently didn't say it quietly enough, though, since a guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked "Oh! Are you a patient of Dr. Cutter?"

"Yes I am," she said, a bit embarrassed. "How did you know?"

He winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock. . ."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 27 Feb 16 - 01:23 PM

Estate Planning

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

He toiled at it for years, until finally his father was on his deathbed--Dan would inherit a fortune! He decided he needed a wife with which to share the vast estate.

One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen.

Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few weeks, my father, who's a widower, will die, and I'll inherit a hundred million dollars."

Impressed, the woman accepted his business card. And just three short days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are really much better at estate planning than men.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 24 Feb 16 - 10:49 AM

How many republicans does it take to change a light bulb?
More guns!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Feb 16 - 05:45 PM

Mandatory Vacation

Two entrepreneurs were comparing notes on the difficulties of running a small business.

"I started a new practice last year," the first one said. "I insist that each of my employees take at least a week off every three months."

"Why in the world would you do that?" the other asked.

She responded, "It's the best way I know of to learn which ones I can do without."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 14 Feb 16 - 05:40 PM

Things My Mom Taught Me

(An oldie but a goodie!)

My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside -- I just finished cleaning!"

My mother taught me religion: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about time travel: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me logic: "Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me foresight: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me irony: "Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of osmosis: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about contortionism: "Will you look at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about stamina: "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about weather: "It looks as if a cyclone swept through your room."

My mother taught me how to solve physics problems: "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you -- would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about hypocrisy: "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times: don't exaggerate!"

My mother taught me the circle of life: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about envy: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 10 Feb 16 - 07:34 PM

Was told this by an old Socialist, the first man we ever recorded - he apologised in case we would think it was racist - it turned out to be one of the best anti-racists I have ever heard.
A West Indian was told by his doctor that he only had a few months to live; after he had taken in the news, the doctor asked him would he think about donating his heart for transplant.
He thought for while and finally said he would, if he was told who the recipient would be.
The doctor, after a long argument, finally agreed, so the man takes the address and goes off to find person who was to get his heart.
He tracks him down and knocks on the door, which was eventually answered bu a huge skinhead in a stained Union Jack Vest, rings piercing his nose, both ears and his eyebrows, with a display of Swastika tattoos on his forehead, neck and up both arms.
"What the **** do you want?"
Timidly the little West Indian says, "to tell you the truth, I've been told I only have a few months to live and I've decides to donate my heart for transplant - you're going to get it".
"Thank **** for that; I thought you were going to move in next door".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: GUEST,Pete from seven stars link
Date: 10 Feb 16 - 03:23 PM

Just been to a combined burns and Chinese New Year do........Chinese burns !               Did,nt really want to, someone trusted my arm.             From a Facebook post.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: GUEST,.
Date: 10 Feb 16 - 04:43 AM

Trump has dropped out of the presidential race.....




He found out that if he wins, he will have to live in a smaller house and in a black neighborhood.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: GUEST,Mrr
Date: 09 Feb 16 - 07:48 PM

Advice to a young male friend of mine, from his aging father - Son, a hole will outlast a pole, every time.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 09 Feb 16 - 06:05 PM

MIKE: Hey, Ike, how does a poet sneeze?

IKE: I don't know; how DOES a poet sneeze?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
MIKE: "Haii-----KU!

==============
(Sorry. As someone around here says,
"I'll get me coat.")

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: gillymor
Date: 09 Feb 16 - 03:03 PM

From a BBC article:

Lois Young-Tulin, {Sophie} Tucker's first cousin once removed, recalls a joke from the elderly singer's act. "She always had a pretend boyfriend, Abe, in her jokes. So Abe came to her and said, 'Sophie, I'm tired of waiting for you - I'm going to get myself a 30-year-old girlfriend.'

"And Sophie said, 'Go ahead. I'm going to get myself a 30-year-old boyfriend. But just remember, 30 goes into 70 a lot more times than 70 goes into 30.'"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: GUEST,#
Date: 03 Feb 16 - 08:41 PM

Rec'd from a friend in email.


Bill rides again

Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she's pregnant.

She is furious. Here she is, in the middle of her election campaign, and now this has happened to her.

She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: "You fool! How could you have let this happen? With all that's going on right now, you go and get me pregnant!"    "How could you?   I can't believe this! I've just found out I'm five weeks pregnant and it's all your fault!" "Well, what have you got to say?"

There is nothing but dead silence on the phone.

She screams again, "Did you hear me?"

Finally, she hears Bill's very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper:

"Who's calling?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: GUEST,HiLo
Date: 02 Feb 16 - 07:55 AM

That is grand Doug , very funny and so true.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 02 Feb 16 - 07:45 AM

How many folkies does it take to change a light-bulb ?


... and a fifth one to complain about it going electric.


DC

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Feb 16 - 04:09 AM

How many folkies does it take to change a light-bulb ?
Fout - one to change the bulb, three to stand around discussing how much brighter the old one was.
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Bainbo
Date: 01 Feb 16 - 05:00 PM

So the guy says to the doctor: [deep, husky bark]"It's my voice. It's been like this since I was a teenager. People stare at me when I speak; my friends all take the mickey out of me; I can't stand it any longer. Is there anything you can do doctor?"

The doctor says: "Do you know, I've read about this and I've an idea what it might be. I'll have to carry out an examination – drop your trousers."

The chap drops his trousers, and an enormous penis flops out and thumps onto the desk. "Ah," says the doctor. "Just what I thought. Your enormous member is pulling your internal organs down, and puting strain on your vocal cords, which is affecting your voice. It's easy to put right – just a simple transplant operation. Do you want to go ahead with it?"

"Oh, yes please," barks the relieved patient. "Anything to put an end to this."

Two months later the man walks back into the surgery. "Doctor, it's incredible," he says. "You were right. Listen to me – my voice sounds normal. No one takes the mickey, I sound just like everyone else, I can join in karaoke – in fact I'm joining a choir. Life is fantastic.

"The only problem now is that my wife is threatening to leave me. She says that since my operation I can't satisfy her any more. Is there anything you can do about that?"

"No," barks the doctor. "There isn't."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Peter Kasin
Date: 31 Jan 16 - 01:18 PM

What's green and sings rock 'n roll?


Elvis Parsley.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 30 Jan 16 - 09:22 AM

A Dumb Blonde?

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and tries to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists, that the game is a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only $5; you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500." This catches the blonde's attention and, to keep him quiet, she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a $5 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer uses his laptop, searches all references. He uses the Airphone; he searches the Web and even the Library of Congress. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he knows, all to no avail. After a good hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde takes the $500 and goes back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes her up and asks, "Well, so what goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?" The blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5 and goes back to sleep.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: GUEST,Pete from seven stars link
Date: 23 Jan 16 - 01:36 PM

Too much monkey business ...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: GUEST,#
Date: 23 Jan 16 - 11:52 AM

That is brilliant.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 23 Jan 16 - 11:46 AM

Financial Topics Explained

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each.

The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.

Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!

The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.

In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35, and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each."

The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man or his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!

Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: GUEST,Pete from seven stars link
Date: 16 Jan 16 - 06:16 PM

Uncles reminded me of another one.....    A mafia boss lost his brother , and though a criminal like himself,   wanted him remembered in a favourable light at the funeral , so he offered the priest a large contribution to the building fund , if he would only say at the funeral that his brother was an angel.   The priest took the money, and the day of the funeral came, and the surviving brother sat on the front pew. The minister began.............we have here the body of a man, who in his life, was a violent , deceptive, thieving , and adulterous rebel........but compared to his brother.....he was an angel....

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: GUEST,#
Date: 16 Jan 16 - 02:23 PM

Newfie Airliner

An airliner is coming into land at an airport obscured by fog. Visibility is practically nil, the ILS system is on the blink, so the newfie pilot has to land on wits alone.

"Flaps, check," he says to the co-pilot, "Landing Gear, check. Altitude, check. Right, we're going in. Hold on."

The plane lands and comes to a screeching, grinding halt; just short of the edge of the runway. "Holy Cow!" exclaims the pilot, "This must be the shortest runway I've ever landed on!"

The newfie co-pilot looks left and right and says "Yeah, and about the widest, too …"

________________________

Happy Hour in Newfoundland

A Newfie saw a sign at a restaurant.

It read….

Happy Hour Special:

Lobster Tail & Beer.

"Lard Tunderin Jaises!" he says to himself, "Me three favourite things!"

________________________

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 16 Jan 16 - 09:51 AM

A Change Of Vows

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer.

"Look," he said in a whisper. "I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, the minister got to the part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. But when it came time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says, "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "I do."

When there was a brief musical interlude, the groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal!"

The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a much better offer."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: GUEST,#
Date: 12 Jan 16 - 06:27 PM

From the 'net

Jerry Hall: she started out with a rolling stone and ended up with a fossil.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: GUEST,Mrr at work
Date: 12 Jan 16 - 05:56 PM

Q: Are you a catholic or a protestant?
A: I'm an atheist.
(pause)
Q: Well, is it the catholic or the protestant god you don't believe in?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: gnu
Date: 12 Jan 16 - 03:10 PM

Best I have ever heard.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 12 Jan 16 - 10:15 AM

So did he recite the Oy-Vey Maria?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Jan 16 - 10:02 AM

Tell me that's not a true story, Jim! :-)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 12 Jan 16 - 08:47 AM

"The moment has passed, Dave."
Not really Steve - highly apposite.
Reminds me of a Jewish customer I had when I was an electrician in London.
He went on a business trip to Belfast at the height of the troubles and was stopped one night at an unofficial roadblock manned by three armed, masked men
He was asked, "Are you a Catholic or a Protestant?"
He replied, "I'm a Jew".
After a long pause, they asked him, "Ah, but are you a Catholic Jew or a Protestant Jew?"
Jim Caroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 11 Jan 16 - 08:32 PM

Play on words. Derry/Londonderry. The moment has passed, Dave.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 11 Jan 16 - 07:37 PM

Thompson, I don't get it! What's political about it? What's
funny?

Dave Oesterreich

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 11 Jan 16 - 03:24 PM

I *told* you it was funny, Donuel!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Thompson
Date: 11 Jan 16 - 02:04 PM

If we're going to have political jokes…

A passenger gets off the Air India flight to Belfast, and wanders through the city sleepily in search of a hotel. He comes to an area where all the kerbstones are painted red white and blue, in an attractive example of local folk art, and stops to look around. Two men detach themselves from a wall and come over to him.

"Where you from, laddie?" one asks him.

"India, actually," he says, preparing to ask them for directions, but the other one interrupts -

"What part of India?"

"Delhi."

Both of the men go purple with rage, and roar, "That's LONDON Delhi!!!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 11 Jan 16 - 11:59 AM

Does anyone get my Isis joke?





HInt Pres. Clinton testimony during impeachment hearings.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: GUEST,#
Date: 11 Jan 16 - 09:58 AM

A keen collector of old bibles meets a friend, who tells him he has just thrown away an old copy of that very book.

"It was some kind of Gutton ... Guten ..." he says.

"Not an old Gutenberg, by any chance?" says the bible collector, horrified. "A bible like that would fetch 3 or 4 million at an auction!"

"Well that's OK then," says the friend of the bible collector. "This one was probably worthless. Some idiot called Martin Luther had scribbled comments all over the damn margins."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 11 Jan 16 - 03:38 AM

Oh, right. Thank you, Joe. I found 'Carter's Paste' on a version given online, but there will obviously be variants as in any traditional artefact.

≈M≈

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Joe_F
Date: 10 Jan 16 - 06:36 PM

MGM: I always heard it as "library paste".

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 10 Jan 16 - 10:17 AM

Should have been on the "bad joke" thread
A policeman on his beat comes across two men, on lying face down on the pavement with his trousers pulled down exposing his backside, the other kneeling next to him with his finger up his mate's bum.
"'Allo, 'allo, 'allo; what's goin' on 'ere?", he said.
"Well officer, my mate's collapsed because he's had too much to drink, and I'm trying to make him sick."
"You'll never make him sick putting your finger there" said the policeman.
"I will when I put it in his mouth".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 10 Jan 16 - 02:08 AM

Oh -- OK. Have done what I always say people should do before asking on here for definitions &c, and googled. So now I know what Carter's Paste is. A US brand, it appears. Not sure if one can buy it here.I think our equiv would be the brand called, Gloy, iirc.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 10 Jan 16 - 01:37 AM

Indeed, Joe. What BTW was 'Carter's paste' which they mistakenly used?

≈M≈

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Joe_F
Date: 09 Jan 16 - 10:28 PM

MGM: The opposite mistake to that of the well-known couple named Kelly.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Jan 16 - 09:33 PM

Donuel - now THAT's funny.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: MGM·Lion
Date: 09 Jan 16 - 03:47 PM

Did you hear of the terrible plight of the couple who didn't know the difference between Vaseline & putty?





All their windows fell out.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Jan 16 - 03:38 PM

Mrs. Clinton we have noticed that you refer to the Caliphate terrorist movement as Daesh and not Isis. Is there a reason for this?

"It depends upon what the meaning of Is is."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: GUEST,DTM
Date: 08 Jan 16 - 08:48 PM

Sorry, but I haven't a scooby what you're on about, Donuel.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Jan 16 - 07:25 PM

"the next song we're gonna play is a love song.
Its about when two flaming hearts combine with a burnin desire
and makes the world's most powerful heart burn

When the good lord helps you slow down he does two things, first he dulls your memory and second he helps you stand up straight and makes it hard to remember.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 Jan 16 - 03:10 PM

Q. What is found both on pool tables and in men's trousers?

A. Pockets.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: GUEST,Mad Jock
Date: 07 Jan 16 - 12:25 PM

An elderly gentleman and a very attractive young lady are sharing a sleeping compartment on a train for a very long journey. They talk about many things, Sport, Politics, Religion and are getting on very well. Eventually they get on to discussing Sex and Morals.

The man asks the young lady if she would go to bed with him for £10 million pounds.
She quickly replies "Why yes."

He then asks would she go to bed with him for £1 million pounds.
Again but with a little hesitation she says "YES."

He asks a third time. Would she go to bed with him for £10 ?

With no hesitation she replies "NO! What sort of girl do you think I am?"

He replies "We have already established that. All we are doing now is haggling over the price!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: HuwG
Date: 06 Jan 16 - 12:34 AM

Football (soccer) legend Denis Law was awarded the CBE in this year's hnours list. After the award, a television interviewer asked him "If the Manchester United team you played for in the sixties and seventies were to take on today's Manchester United team, who do you think would win?"

Denis answered "Oh, me and the lads I played with between forty and fifty years ago would definitely win, though it might be a bit close; say, one-nil."

"Why do you think it would be close?"

"Well, most of us are nearly eighty years old now."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 05 Jan 16 - 10:20 PM

What Married People Do

A man and a woman--she a good-looking redhead--found themselves assigned to the same sleeping compartment on an overnight train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the woman reached up and tapped on the upper bunk.

"I'm terribly sorry to wake you, sir, but I'm awfully cold. Could you pop over to the closet and get me another blanket?"

"I have a another idea," he replied. "Just for tonight, would you like to pretend we're married?"

"Wow!" she giggled. "That's a great idea!"

"Good," he replied, turning back over. "Go and get your own damned blanket."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Jan 16 - 09:53 PM

Also stolen: Autocorrect is your worst enema.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Jan 16 - 05:27 PM

Stolen: You can't spell Chipotle without E. coli!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mr Red
Date: 03 Jan 16 - 04:22 PM

No man has ever been shot by his wife while he was washing dishes. No but he might be a bit crock!

LOL

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 03 Jan 16 - 04:01 AM

Three salesmen at a whiskey convention meet in the bar for a drink during the lunch break.
The Paddies rep goes to the bar and brings back three Paddies whiskeys.
After a while the Powers rep does the same, this time bringing back three Powers.
Finally the Jameson rep gets up, goes over to the bar and brings back    three more Paddies.
One of the others asks, "Shouldn't you be promoting your own product?"
"We don't want to go back to work smelling of whiskey, do we?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Jan 16 - 09:15 PM

So the town drunk is weaving up the steps to the local whorehouse. The madam sees him coming and, knowing that none of her girls will put up with him but not wanting to disappoint a customer, hurriedly puts a blow-up fuckdoll in the attic room and comes to greet him. He heads up for his Special Treat, weaving and banging into walls, but she hears the attic door shut, and figures there should be some peace for a while but almost immediately, he comes staggering back down the stairs. Um, wasn't she satisfactory? Asks the madam hesitantly. Belching, the drunk answers Well, I don't know - I bit her on the tit and she farted and flew out the window!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 02 Jan 16 - 02:40 PM

No man has ever been shot by his wife while he was washing dishes.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: gillymor
Date: 02 Jan 16 - 08:48 AM

I've been trying to become a vegetarian, but I'm not sure I can give up cold turkey.

In the early days of their courtship Napoleon and Josephine were very close, in fact they were never more than a bone apart.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Mr Red
Date: 01 Jan 16 - 09:15 AM

Teacher: "Where were Napoleon's Armies"
Jimmy: "Up his sleaveies"

RI/RE Teacher: "Genesis. Who was the first man?"
Jennie's Sis: "I'm not telling you that in front of the class!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Jan 16 - 09:01 AM

Slow Down!

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those speeding drivers!"

So the next day he had the county go out and put up a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later the farmer called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go faster!" So, again, the sheriff sends out the county and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

And that really sped them up. So the farmer called the sheriff again and said, "Your signs are doing no good. Is it all right for me to put up my own sign?"

The exasperated sheriff was happy to get rid of him: "Sure thing, put up your own sign." And indeed, the sheriff got no more calls from the farmer.

Three weeks later, the sheriff drove out to the farmer's house to see how the farmer had solved the problem. He couldn't miss the farmer's sign. It was a whole sheet of plywood. And written in large letters were the bold words:

SLOW: NUDIST RESORT

Subject: BS: First Joke Thread of 2016
From: Uncle_DaveO
Date: 01 Jan 16 - 08:47 AM

When Students are Smarter than Their Teachers

Teacher: "Maria, go to the map and find North America."
Maria: "Here it is."
Teacher: "Correct. Now class, who discovered America?"
Class: "Maria!"

Teacher: "Glenn, how do you spell Crocodile?"
Glenn: "K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L."
Teacher: "No, that's wrong."
Glenn: "It might be wrong, but you asked me how I spell it."

Teacher: "Cindy, why are you doing your math problems on the floor?"
Cindy: "You told me to do it without using tables."

Tommy: "Dad, can you write in the dark?"
Father: "I think so. What do you want me to write?"
Tommy: "Your name on this report card."

Teacher: "What is the chemical formula for water?"
Sarah: "H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O"
Teacher: "What are you talking about?"
Sarah: "Yesterday you said water is 'H to O'."

Teacher: "Johnny, give me a sentence starting with 'I'."
Johnny: "I is--"
Teacher: "NO, Johnny! Always say 'I am!"
Johnny: "All right: I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Teacher: "George Washington not only chopped down his father's cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father did not punish him?"
Sally: "Because George still had the axe in his hand."

Teacher: "Children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Johnny: "Brotherly love."

Teacher: "What do you call a person who keeps talking when people are no longer interested?"
Entire Class, in unison: "A Teacher!"