BS: Rap for emperor

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 25 May 20 - 02:04 AM

For which we are most grateful, Sire! It makes a very handy device for whacking the noggins of the odd (and some of them are very odd, believe me) recalcitrant.

This morning's heavy fog led to a few cases of mistaken identity - ufortunately, one of the staff was whacked in error. We are, however, told he will recover and should be back on the job, none the worse for wear, within a month or two and the dent in his head should close over time.

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and Overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 May 20 - 10:08 PM

We have sent it to the Imperial Torturer for her use.

Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex       ®      His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 23 May 20 - 03:20 PM

Did Your Rapturous Rexness keep the cast as a trophy
once it came off?

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 May 20 - 09:52 PM

Then, as Bearded Bruce obviously knows, it will certainly prevent others from coming close enough to you to transmit any disease. We are pleased with this disclosure and herewith name Bearded Bruce to the position of Imperial Alchymist, and his Mark shall be ?. Let no one other than the Imperial Alchymist use it at their peril!

Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex            ®          His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: beardedbruce
Date: 13 May 20 - 06:48 PM

Sorry,

Price is $101.00 a liter


Mudcat members are encouraged to buy all they want

https://www.sigmaaldrich.com/catalog/product/aldrich/112925?lang=en®ion=US

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Donuel
Date: 13 May 20 - 05:25 PM

It probably won't matter Severn. I tried to buy some and it costs over $30,000. On the back of the lotion there are ads for mortgage companies.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap the emperical
From: Severn
Date: 13 May 20 - 11:32 AM

Cast aside?

How do you apply this lotion and how many times a day and where? Does it last long enough to see us through our Tuesdane through Sundane tasks as well? Is it flammable or merely flim-flammable like some of your previous recommendations? Is it sugar or alcohol free and certified organic? Would Trump recommend injecting it? Would mould you recommend injecting into Trump? What are the known side effects?

Doc Savage,
Man of Bronze & Brainze

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 13 May 20 - 09:42 AM

The scarlet and black cast protecting the recovering hand is to come off today.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Apr 20 - 09:15 PM

My subjects! At great expense to the Imperial Treasury We have procured for you a lotion that will PREVENT you from catching the filthy coronavirus from others! Regularly applied you WILL NOT catch it from others, so you can go about your mundane tasks as usual! This miraculous lotion is called by the alchemists 1-Butanethiol, and We suggest that you visit your local chemist's shop or apothecary and get some. Yes, it comes from Our Imperial Medical Magazine of Supplies, so you can be certain of its quality and strength.


Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex          ®          His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 18 Apr 20 - 10:46 PM

Good to hear your recovery is ongoing, Oh Great One!

New ideas for torture are always welcome. Things in the dungeon are becoming slightly more dire than before; the toilet paper has now been washed several times and is, I fear, disintegrating.......as are the bums of the inmates. I have sent a few trusties out in the bush to gather suitable leaves for the purpose. Some leaves can be used as a substitute for sandpaper, so they should withstand a certain amount of use.

The quarters of your Imperial Torturer and Spouse are, however, comfortable and cosy, and lack for very little in the way of needs. The biggest hurdle is a certain amount of boredom from isolation, but we do venture forth occasionally for food and medications. The weekly drug run is now the social highlight of our lives.

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and Overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Apr 20 - 09:55 PM

Yes, We have had Our Imperial Left Metacarpophalangeal Joint fused due to pain. Our Imperial Hand Surgeon discovered that the reason We were experiencing pain was because We no longer had any cartilage to cushion the movement of Our joint. We were first in a splint and now We have a scarlet-and-black cast, which must remain in place for three and a half more weeks.

Should the Imperial Torturer need new ideas We have some.

Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex            ®       His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 18 Apr 20 - 07:29 PM

The latest report from the mountains, if true,
gives the word 'thumbscrew' an entirely new meaning.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 23 Mar 20 - 03:50 PM

No, better not to spread around the lobsters and the chocolate ...

Subject: RE: BS: Wipe 'fore you empty 'er
From: Severn
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 10:56 PM

Shouldn't it be classified as commode-ities?

Ed T.If you find yourself wiped out and have to use coffee filters, the courts of the Emperor, which because of their own shortages are at least a court low, cannot convict you of anything because of insufficient grounds.....

If they test your used filters, they will not be able to taste any difference between them and the coffee served in the Imperial Prisons.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Ed T
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 10:27 PM

Help, Emperor,
I don't know what to do. I just ran out of Toilet paper at a bad time.
The only paper product option that see is coffee filters. Should I use them?   If not, should I hide my underwear"

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 07:16 PM

Ah......but do you and Her Most Serene Highness The Princess Patricia have enough toilet paper to see you through the crisis?

The inmates are running out of supplies of this necessary commodity so as Imperial Torturer I have sent out an edict on your behalf, Oh Great One, that all toilet paper will henceforth for the foreseeable future be washed for re-use.

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and Overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 05:13 PM

My People!

We have been busy and have neglected Our subjects but not Our duties. Because of the Deathly Danger we face together We are reducing the weekly tax by 0.04% and shall be giving each of you, Our loyal subjects, a quarter-groat to spend in any manner you like. For economic reasons We can change neither the quarter-groat sales tax nor the one groat general product tax, but We know that you willingly pay these to maintain the Imperial Empire.

Should you, in your perambulations, come across an unfortunate who has surrendered to the Deathly Danger, please send word to the Imperial Gravediggers Guild and the matter will be dealt with on the spot.

Know that your Emperor suffers with you and that We hve sequestered Ourself and the Princess Patricia in Our humble lodge in the mountains. Please do not attempt to see Us and know that We are doing as well as possible on Our Imperial Physician's ordered diet of steak, lobster, truffles, chocolate, and other simple foods. We would not with to spread whatever We might have.

We think of you all the time.

Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex         ®       His mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 12 Feb 20 - 05:55 AM

Of course it is!

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and Overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 11 Feb 20 - 11:47 PM

Imperial Torturer, myrrh is something that makes groups of people merrier: "The myrrh the merrier!"

Bee-dubya-ell
Imperial Ignoramus Etc.
His Mark <¡!>

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 11 Feb 20 - 10:53 PM

Right-o, Sire. Consider it done. It won't be difficult to find fresh water as our daily storm is about to arrive, thunder is rumbling around as we speak.

Those long-term prisoners are overcome with gratitude at Your Most Gracious Majesty's munificence, so much so that they are reluctant to leave. However space considerations demand that they do so, in other words, it's getting a bit crowded in here.

What is myrrh anyway?

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and Overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 11 Feb 20 - 07:11 PM

Gold, frankincense, and myrrh? Perhaps The Emperor has me confused with the Imperial Lickspittle.

Bestowing of gifts is not in the Imperial Ignoramus's job description. In fact, it's expressly prohibited under terms of the agreement between The United Brotherhood of Ignoramuses' and The Coalition of Faux Empires, Fictitious Dictatorships, and Make-Believe Banana Republics.

Bee-dubya-ell
Imperial Ignoramus Etc.
His Mark <¡!>

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Feb 20 - 06:09 PM

Imperial Torturer, please set free those who have been longest in Our dungeons. That is, those who have been there for over seventy-five years. You may dispose of them as you see fit. Also, please give each remaining prisoner a 100 milliliters of cold, fresh water. Should these examples of Our mercy and generosity cause outbreaks of restiveness among those under your care you have Our permission to use the fire hoses and rubber truncheons.

We thank every one of Our loyal subjects for their good wishes and it is Our Imperial promise to reduce the tax rate by one per centum two years after fire is replaced by renewable energy in this, Our Empire.

We extend Our thanks to the Imperial Ignoramus for his presents of gold, frankincese, and myrrh.


Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex       ®       His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 11 Feb 20 - 03:38 PM

The Imperial Ignoramus, in stereo ...

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 09 Feb 20 - 12:59 AM

Congratulations and felicitations on your Natal Day, Sire!

The miscreants will have their chains loosened slightly for two minutes, to honour Your Most Gracious Self.

The threat of fire has passed for now, indeed the Imperial Oubliette may be under water at high tide soon, as much-needed moisture has fallen from above......from somewhere, at any rate. At a great rate, actually......

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and Overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 08 Feb 20 - 12:52 PM

We hear that today is The Emperor's birthday. In my official capacity as Imperial Ignoramus, I am ignoring said birthday. I shall neither make mention of it nor allude to it in any fashion.

Other subjects of the realm, whose jobs do not involve ignoring, are free to celebrate (or not) as they wish.

Bee-dubya-ell
Imperial Ignoramus
His mark: <¡!>

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 08 Feb 20 - 12:52 PM

We hear that today is The Emperor's birthday. In my official capacity as Imperial Ignoramus, I am ignoring said birthday. I shall neither make mention of it nor allude to it in any fashion.

Other subjects of the realm, whose jobs do not involve ignoring, are free to celebrate (or not) as they wish.

Bee-dubya-ell
Imperial Ignoramus
His mark: <¡!>

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 14 Jan 20 - 03:46 PM

Yes, one imagines the drought in Australia is making it terribly difficult for the Imperial Torturer to make the miscreants' gruel sufficiently thin and watery....

Bee-dubya-ell
Imperial Ignoramus
His mark: <¡!>

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 14 Jan 20 - 01:46 AM

That can done, Sire. However I thought it was an excellent use of leftover bones of past miscreants, as once they have been boiled up for soup several times there isn't much else to do with them - otherwise they become a trip hazard by their sheer quantity.

In any case the current crop of benighted souls wouldn't be able to sail anywhere; there is an ongoing drought in these here parts and there is barely enough water to allow a dribble for each prisoner to wet their lips more than once a week.

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and Overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 13 Jan 20 - 06:50 PM

... and we arrive, more or less safely,
into a New Year.
Hope there is sufficient time for
the Imperial Game Warden to recuperate
before spring, heaven help us,
brings new excitement to the animal kingdom.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Jan 20 - 08:03 AM

Imperial Torturer, We do not feel that those prisoners are yet ready for work in Our shipyards. We feel that they would overbuild and waste Our precious materials. Moreover, We feel that it was an escape attempt. Please increase the salt content of such sustenance as you may may give them and lower the temperature in the oubliette to absolute zero.


Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex            ®       His mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 09 Jan 20 - 01:00 PM

The Gnu keeps on keeping on,
and glad to hear it.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 06 Jan 20 - 01:02 PM

I had to look up "pogey"
-- the Internet tells me it's Canadian.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 03 Jan 20 - 04:55 PM

Some of our more talented inmates while on Dungeon Clean-Up Duty and in the spirit of waste reduction and recycling, have taken it upon themselves to start making Art.

I present for your edification and amusement - their first creation.

Aargh, me hearties!

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and Overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Severn
Date: 30 Dec 19 - 10:28 PM

He removed the suffering from the succotash and for it was sainted sometime after the Nice Seein' You Council......

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 30 Dec 19 - 09:52 PM

Thhhhuf-ferinnnnnn Thhhhhuc-cotashhhhh!


The Imperial Ignoramus has succeeded admirably in
making me feel less an ignoramus than himself,
though like as not
he knows more about a great many things than I know.
It's especially endearing when this is done with humor.


December 31 as Saint Sylvester's day, according to the Wikipedia,
is a Roman Catholic, western Christianity thing.
Sylvester is also recognized by the Orthodox church, but
the day is observed, not on the Western New Year's eve,
but shortly after the beginning of the New Year.

So the Saint Sylvester thing
is largely European.
He was a Roman pope at the time of Emperor Constantine
and the Nicæan Council.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 30 Dec 19 - 09:03 PM

What? There's a Saint Sylvester? They elevated a cartoon cat to sainthood? Is there a Saint Tweety-Bird also?

(Now I'm visualizing a bunch of medieval Gregorian monks chanting "I taught I taw a puddy tat. I did. I did taw a puddy tat." Sounds Latin enough to suit me.)

Bee-dubya-ell
Imperial Ignoramus
His mark: <¡!>

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 30 Dec 19 - 07:41 PM

... and don't forget that
the Imperial Ignoramus
has a
used-to-be-birthday tomorrow,
on St. Sylvester's Eve I think it was.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Dec 19 - 05:07 PM

Owing to the popularity and enthusiasm for the thread of Rap for Emperor, TBS greenlighted the show miracle workers- The Dark Ages for a second season.

You may even find your own character in the Preview

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 27 Dec 19 - 04:44 AM

That won't be difficult, Sire......there is a spike of very very hot weather forecast for the middle of next week!

Best wishes to and Princess Patricia for the coming year.

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and Overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 26 Dec 19 - 08:39 PM

Your Rapturousness, I hope you and the Prinzessin
had a happy holiday.
Nice to see I'm not the only one on the beat, here.
... or off of the beat, as it were.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Dec 19 - 08:37 PM

The Imperial Game Warden is responsible for all of the feral hogs in Our Realm.

Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex         ®       His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 26 Dec 19 - 07:53 PM

I wonder if the feral hogs can be blamed for it ...

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 26 Dec 19 - 04:29 PM

gnu finally shows his face and the whole place crashes for days.

Coincidence?


signed,
Imperial Mudelf {Æ}

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: gnu
Date: 23 Dec 19 - 10:37 AM

I am drawin pogey so don't expect me back to work anytime soon, eh? >;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Dec 19 - 08:34 AM

My People!

Your Emperor and His Imperial Consort wish all of you a most Happy Holiday Season! We shall have music, dance, banqueting, and drink in Our humble mountain abode.

We in Our generosity have ordered that all of Our subjects will, during this festive season, enjoy themselves and, from New to Old Christmas, enjoy a reduction in taxes of 0.202%. That is the number of the New Year (in BCE/CE notation) backwards. More, the Imperial Almoner has been instructed to give each person a second loaf of bread for this Season of Joy.

Imperial Torturer, please raise the temperature in the Oubliette by 0.202 degrees for the same period!

And We again state that Our Wishes are for a joyous season will be observed and that not to do so is at your peril.


Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex          ®         His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 22 Dec 19 - 03:26 PM

Perhaps His Imperiousness could arrange for some of the unneeded rain that has fallen upon the Southeastern US region of The Empire to be relocated to the Oz region where it's needed.

It has rained a full fifteen centimeters over the last day-and-a-half here at my humble homestead in scenic Floribama. The rain is obviously in the wrong place because we don't even get centimeters of rain here. We get inches!

Our soil can't even absorb metric rain! If it isn't sent someplace else, it'll hang around until for weeks until it evaporates.

Bee-dubya-ell
Imperial Ignoramus
His mark: <¡!>

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 22 Dec 19 - 02:53 PM

In these days of restricted water use it is getting more and more difficult to keep the Imperial Oubliette damp enough for new mould to continually form. The cheap perfume is an excellent idea - a good thought!

As the temperatures over the past few days have been setting new heat records, the oubliette inhabitants are suitable uncomfortable.

In honour of the coming festive season, I would like to ask Our Great Imperial Leader if it would be possible to shave three minutes off the length of sentence for any crimes whose punishment usually requires a sentence of 300 years or more? Such mercy would never be forgotten, O Great Sire!

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and Overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Severn
Date: 22 Dec 19 - 11:41 AM

Can the banjo ensemble handle the Foggy Mental Breakdown for you?

No emergency sprinkler system in the dungeons to wet things down and properly dampen spirits? I know that prisoner safety is not a high priority, but you rig it to sprinkle acid on the worst offenders and some of the cheapest dollar store perfume or worse on the mild offenders.

Or you can just say, "After this collection of bums, they threw away the mould. May it grow back soon."

as for the heat, though,you wouldn't want to crisp them too badly. Just think of it as Aldente's Inferno.....

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 20 Dec 19 - 01:44 PM

The Mudcat Christmas Tavern is open for business this season,
but you won't see me there --
I want to have my little nervous breakdown
in private, thanks very much.
Hopefully it will have run its course by New Year's.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 18 Dec 19 - 10:39 PM

We are concerned about how the unprecedented high temperatures in The Land of Oz are affecting the Imperial Oubliette. A substantial part of any dungeon or oubliette's ambiance is its dampness. If temperatures rise sufficiently, the dampness will evaporate, leaving a (shudder!) dry dungeon! Dry dungeons simply cannot support sustainable unhealthy levels of toxic mold, festering infections, and vermin infestation.

We urge The Imperial Torture to take all necessary steps to prevent dungeon desiccation and oubliette aridity!

Bee-dubya-ell
Imperial Ignoramus
His mark: <¡!>