BS: Rap for emperor

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 12 Mar 17 - 07:33 PM

His Imperial Rapness, if all the preceding were not enough, may have to contend with Winter Storm Stella as he heads for Norway...

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 16 Mar 17 - 01:12 PM

The faithful Gnu has posted elsewhere, that Mister and Missus Rapturous got beyond Winter Storm Stella, and made it to Oslo, Norway, praise be.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 22 Mar 17 - 03:18 PM

And are now, together, on the cruise as planned.

Imperial Torture-atrix, how goes it with your domicile? Are you recovering from the flooding?

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 29 Mar 17 - 11:28 PM

Thank you, keberoxu, for your kind thoughts!

Right now we are waiting to hear from the insurance company which of two companies will be fixing the kitchen and laying what seems like several acres of new floor tiles. After that is done the new carpet can be laid and new furniture can be bought to replace that which had to be thrown out.

However, next Wednesday Himself and I will be setting out on an adventure. We are driving 720 kms south to Canberra, the capital of our realm, to attend the National Folk Festival and to visit family (our older son, his wife and our grandkid live in Canberra) before heading even further south for a coastal visit, then back home. We will be away for five weeks.

Himself was being slightly foolishly optimistic when he anticipated all the house repairs would be finished in a week or so. I kept telling him, no it won't be......and now he believes me.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 06 Apr 17 - 01:57 PM

Rap the Rapturous and his Imperial Spouse are returned.
Trouble is brewing with the Barber-Chirurgiens.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: gnu
Date: 06 Apr 17 - 02:17 PM

A rogue wave. Then a shipwreck. And NO Northern Lights??? I dare say eyes will ROLL!!!

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Apr 17 - 09:42 AM

We are considering sending one or more of Our triremes to the seas around Norway, simply as a frightening deterrent. Their "drakken" long ships do not Us or Our Realm! We will have Our sailors throw tomahawks at them as a warning that if they do not do a better job of controlling their seas We will step in and do it for them and We will insure that they pay for it!

Yes, We are annoyed. We thought better of Norway!


Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex          ®       His Mark

The Magnanimous, the Invincible, the Just, the Merciful, Pontifex Maximus, the Forgiving, the kindhearted, the Dependable, the Classy, the Unblemished, the Apt, the Tolerable, the Irreprehensible, the Adroit, the Admirable (this list is incomplete, but choose two for use at any given time).

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Apr 17 - 11:30 AM

I bet you think this post is about you

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Apr 17 - 03:51 PM

Our Imperial Alchemists have recently devised a truly frightening detergent. Applications for naval warfare are being studied. Please advise.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Apr 17 - 09:40 PM

Perhaps it will permit Our ships to slip past Our enemies.

Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex            ®          His Mark

the Sociable, the Credible, the Righteous, Shepherd Of His People, Vicar of Vicars, the Discrete, Successor to Njord, Tamer of Fenrir, Chainer of Jörmungandr, the Forebearing, Rider of Y Ddraig Goch, Dagda, the Good.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: gnu
Date: 08 Apr 17 - 03:49 PM

Donuel... good one!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=icIVqCUVF_A

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 08 Apr 17 - 07:04 PM

Bon voyage, Imperial Torturer and entourage.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Apr 17 - 10:13 PM

Yes, We wish you a voyage better than Our last one.

Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex          @            His Mark

the Understanding, the Empathetic, the Commiserative, the Kindhearted, the Harmonious, the Accepted, Bane of the Base Born, Who saith,

An hugrekki, An dyrð

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Apr 17 - 09:27 PM

I listened to the whole thing.

Rap
You have stumped me. There are clues to a translation but they elude me. It stinks to be stumped, I think language remains my weakest link, you fink. Maybe the saying would look good in ink on the pink brink of my brow.

The Overture of Torture: Act -III, scene I.7

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Apr 17 - 08:56 AM

Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex    
the Understanding, the Empathetic, the Commiserative, the Kindhearted, the Harmonious, the Accepted, Bane of the Base Born, Who saith, An hugrekki, An dyrð

___________
This is the biggest policy turn around since Trump fired missiles at Syria.
What happened on that comedy of errors cruise?

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 10 Apr 17 - 03:12 PM

What happened on the ill-fated cruise is that Emperpor Rapparee fell under the delusion that He is either the reincarnation of a really bad-ass Viking warrior or the living avatar of a minor Norse deity. One must suppose the novelty of being an omnipotent faux emperor has worn a bit thin, thus requiring His Emperiousness to delve into new realms of specious fantasy.

Bee-dubya-ell
Imperial Ignoramus
His Mark <¡!>

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 Apr 17 - 10:44 PM

We have posted the qualities suggested to Us and which We feel are the most significant descriptors of Us. We had promised to do this some time back. But We have not added those which describe Us in violent terms, such a Father of Blood Eagles even if they are sometimes pertinent to Our justice.

Donuel, We suggest you try Icelandic. Google Translate can help you.


Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex          ®          His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Amos
Date: 11 Apr 17 - 12:06 AM

I have decided to seell Rapaaire. You all know his history. I will sell him for fifty cents $US, which is damn cheap. Four bits and you can have him lock, stock and barrel of horsepucky.

You have heard how he has been called Imperial Grace, the Good, the Strong the Brave, Molder of the Sea and Master of the Lands, the Gracious and Benevolent. And in light of all these virtues, you well may ask why I would sell him for so little. And I will tell you why.

The reason is, he's a damn liar, you see. Truth is, he don't have NONE of them qualities.

Sent your four bits and a large SASE to me c/o the Mudcat and I will see you are treated fairly, for once.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Apr 17 - 09:11 AM

"...he don't have...."

We are pleased that We did not name you Imperial Grammarian instead of Imperial Nay-Sayer.

Also, We are pleased that you are fulfilling your charge as Imperial Nay-Sayer admirably. We shall, for the moment, overlook that you are nay-saying about Us.

Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex            ®       His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: frogprince
Date: 11 Apr 17 - 09:32 AM

"a large SASE" I checked at Office Depot and they didn't have any that were even close to big enough; they suggested I look online for an odor-and-leak-proof body bag.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 11 Apr 17 - 03:32 PM

We suggest the lined, military grade, body bags here. We also suggest that you look at their protective apparel, as We know from experience what moving a leaking body bag can entail.


Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex             ®         His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 12 Apr 17 - 01:45 PM

Thinking of Rap the Rapturous as his Imperial Spouse prepares for surgery tomorrow.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 21 Apr 17 - 03:10 PM

And sending well-wishes to the convalescent Imperial Spouse.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Apr 17 - 04:55 PM

Will Iceland be the key to your Imperial Corporate Inversion scheme?

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 21 Apr 17 - 11:07 PM

We are not a scheming rogue, such as those who reside around the "District of Columbia." Indeed, Our Imperial Spouse deliberately left that area (in which She was born and raised) when She was 17. She found it too stifling and much too small of a town for Her taste.

For much the same reason We left Our hometown.

Patricia is doing well after Her surgery eight days ago. She has little stamina, but that will return.


Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex            ®          His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 22 Apr 17 - 05:22 PM

Imperious Rex's imperial Spouse has had a hectic time of it. Hope she is having a well-deserved rest and continues to progress in her recovery.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Apr 17 - 07:49 PM

Rapaire may not be a real emperor or possess many of the traits his title proposes Amos, however there are a few things he does experience or have, instead of just thinking of doing or having;

If he were to pat you on the back, you would list it on your resume.

He once ran a marathon, because it was on his way.

Mosquitos refuse to bite him purely out of respect.

If he were to mispronounce your name, you would feel compelled to change it.

If opportunity knocks, and he's not home, opportunity waits.

His mother has a tattoo that reads: 'Son'

His two cents is worth $37 in change.

Once, a rattlesnake bit him. After five days of excruciating pain, the snake finally died.

When he has a 50/50 shot, the odds are 80/20 in his favor.

He has won the lifetime achievement award, twice.

His words carry weight that would break a less interesting man's jaw

He taught Trump how to exaggerate.

He gave his father "the talk"
His passport requires no photograph
When he drives a car off the lot, its price increases in value
Once a rattlesnake bit him, after 5 days of excruciating pain, the snake finally died
His 5 de Mayo party starts on the 8th of March
His feet don't get blisters, but his shoes do
He once went to the psychic, to warn her
If he were to punch you in the face you would have to fight off a strong urge to thank him
Whatever side of the tracks he's currently on is the right side, even if he crosses the tracks he'll still be on the right side
He can speak Russian… in French
He never says something tastes like chicken.. not even chicken
Superman has pajamas with his logo
His tears can cure cancer, too bad he never cries
The circus ran away to join him
Bear hugs are what he gives bears
He once brought a knife to a gunfight… just to even the odds
When he meets the Pope, the Pope kisses his ring
His friends call him by his name, his enemies don't call him anything because they are all dead
He has never waited 15 minutes after finishing a meal before returning to the pool
If he were to visit the dark side of the moon, it wouldn't be dark
He once won a staring contest with his own reflection
He can kill two stones with one bird
His signature won a Pulitzer
When a tree falls in a forest and no one is there, he hears it
He once got pulled over for speeding, and the cop got the ticket
The dark is afraid of him
Sharks have a week dedicated to him
His ten gallon hat holds twenty gallons
No less than 25 Mexican folk songs have been written about his beard
He once made a weeping willow laugh
He lives vicariously through himself
His business card simply says 'I'll Call You"
He once taught a german shepherd how to bark in spanish
He bowls overhand
In museums, he is allowed to touch the art
He is allowed to talk about the fight club
He once won a fist fight, only using his beard
He once won the Tour-de-France, but was disqualified for riding a unicycle
A bird in his hand is worth three in the bush
His lovemaking has been detected by a seismograph
The Holy Grail is looking for him
Roses stop to smell him
He once started a fire using only dental floss and water
His sweat is the cure for the common cold
Bigfoot tries to get pictures of him
Werewolves are jealous of his beard
He once turned a vampire into a vegetarian
He once won the world series of poker using UNO cards
He never wears a watch because time is always on his side
He has taught old dogs a variety of new tricks
He has won the lifetime achievement award… twice
If opportunity knocks, and he's not at home, opportunity waits
Batman watches Saturday morning cartoons about him
When he was young he once sent his parents to his room
He once had an awkward moment, just to see how it feels
His beard alone has experienced more than a lesser man's entire body
His blood smells like cologne
On every continent in the world, there is a sandwich named after him. His hands feel like rich brown suede
Mosquitoes refuse to bite him purely out of respect
He is fluent in all languages, including three that he only speaks
Once while sailing around the world, he discovered a short cut
Panhandlers give him money
When he goes to Spain, he chases the bulls
His shadow has been on the 'best dressed' list twice
When he holds a lady's purse, he looks manly
Two countries went to war to dispute HIS nationality
When in Rome, they do as HE does
His pillow is cool on BOTH sides
The Nobel Academy was awarded a prize from HIM
While swimming off the coast of Australia, he once scratched the underbelly of the Great White with his right han
He taught Chuck Norris martial arts
Time waits on no one, but him
Once he ran a marathon because it was "on the way"
His mother has a tattoo that says "Son"
The star on his Christmas tree is tracked by NASA
Presidents take his birthday off
His shirts never wrinkle
He has never walked into a spider web or got a paper cut
He is left-handed. And right-handed
His shirts never wrinkle
The police often question him, just because they find him interesting
His organ donation card also lists his beard
He doesn't believe in using oven mitts, nor potholders
His cereal never gets soggy. It sits there, staying crispy, just for him
Respected archaeologists fight over his discarded apple cores
Even his tree houses have fully finished basements
His garden maze is responsible for more missing persons than the Bermuda triangle
If he were to say something costs an arm and a leg, it would
He's never lost a game of chance
He is the life of parties that he has never attended
He was on a recent archaeological dig and came across prehistoric foot prints that lead out of Africa into all parts of the world. On close inspection, it turned out that the prints were his
He once caught the Loch Ness Monster….with a cane pole, but threw it back
His wallet is woven out of chupacabra leather
He played a game of Russian Roulette with a fully loaded magnum, and won
Freemasons strive to learn HIS secret handshake
If he was to pat you on the back, you would list it on your resume
He is considered a national treasure in countries he's never visited
Cars look both ways for him, before driving down a street
He once tried to acquire a cold just to see what it felt like, but it didn't take
He has inside jokes with people he's never met on BS
Bikers walk their motorcycles past his home
He is indeed, the most exaggerated man in the world greater than the Donald.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: frogprince
Date: 23 Apr 17 - 04:42 PM

Faint praise, indeed, for a man of such stature...

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 23 Apr 17 - 04:57 PM

It's Imperious Rex's Minister of De Fence!

What's new and different at the front gate?

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Apr 17 - 08:45 PM

We thank you for the praise. We humbly admit that all of it is true.

We would like a report on De Fences of Our Empire. Anytime before noon tomorrow (GMT) will be sufficient.



Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex            ®         His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: frogprince
Date: 23 Apr 17 - 09:09 PM

I've got a trunk full of bottles of Channel #5 perfume at a great price! The Roulex wristwatches sold out.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 08 May 17 - 05:47 PM

How goes it with Imperial Spouse The One and Only? Is she recovering well?

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 May 17 - 10:08 PM

Our Goodwyfe does well, continues to do well. She lacks stamina, but that is gradually increasing. Her pain was not a great as before, and hence She does have more energy than before. She awaits the completion of Our Imperial Deck Or Porch so that She can partake in what is called "porch therapy."

On the 20th of May of this year, two of Our nieces will come to visit: the Lady Elizabeth and the Lady Lauretta. We shall entertain them with that which is found here: Our national parks of Yellowstone and Grand Tetons. We shall also take them to eat at the gas station.


Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex       ®         His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 09 May 17 - 03:15 PM

The Imperial Spouse had a rough time of it one year ago, I still recall. Sounds like this is a SLIGHTLY better healing process. That is good to hear.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Donuel
Date: 09 May 17 - 08:00 PM

The personal body guard of the Emperor and firing squad officer, Luca Bratzi, hand delivered a letter to the Imperial Jailer James Comey detailing the conditions of his being fired.

It is hard to say who the next chief jailer will be. Perhaps Jeff Sessions will take the job and Jared Kushner will take Jeff's old job.

The details were as follows - YOU'RE FIRED -

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 May 17 - 10:20 PM

We did no such thing, nor would We do such a thing in such a declassé manner.

Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex            ®          His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 10 May 17 - 08:11 PM

The news about Her Imperial Highness Princess Patricia is heartening to hear! The visit of the young Princesses should also bring joy to the Imperial Household, and the gas station seems like a wondrous place to eat. So long as it doesn't bring on an attack of the aforementioned gas.

The Imperial Oubliette has been functioning in my absence, and I have an idea for a new and wondrous form of torture; it has been tried out by my good self first so I can vouch for its efficacy. A good dose of a viral bug encompassing purging at both ends of the body (more details will, mercifully, be spared the Imperial Ear) and the subsequent ennui lasting several days will, I am sure, give even the most hardened something to contemplate.

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 10 May 17 - 08:16 PM

Imperial Torturer, if it is possible the nose should also exude secretions. There must be nothing available to...no hankies!

Let it be done!

Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex             ®         His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 16 May 17 - 12:16 PM

Now, that's what I call a dedicated torture-atrix. Trying it out on herself first.

Jennie G, I hope you are feeling better, and that the repair and renovation of the kitchen is on schedule.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 17 May 17 - 08:15 AM

Much better, thank you for your concern, keberoxu! Now that we have returned the repairs will be starting soon, for which your Imperial Torturer and Spouse (and resident Oubliette cat Bianca The Beautiful but Slightly Brainless) will be thankful. Winter is fast approaching and the living quarters are a wee bit chilly with bare concrete floors and no carpet.

Happy to be of service, Sire. I always find it's a good idea, if possible, to have any new method of torture tested on some poor unsuspecting sap before letting it loose on a miscreant. I have another to add now, a slightly less-than-good reaction to a vaccination - the resulting swollen sore red arm is quite irritating and guaranteed to annoy, so there may soon be an order to requisition some extra large syringes. Might as well do the job properly.

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 May 17 - 08:23 PM

Imperial Torturer, We quite sympathize with your plight and wish you a quick and painless recovery -- unlike what We wish for your clients.


Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex          ®         His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 18 May 17 - 05:37 PM

So far so good, Sire......the arm is still attached, it hasn't fallen off yet!

I am thinking about those large syringes, though - perhaps a veterinary supply store would have some of the size used on horses. How would that go as a weapon of torture, do you think? The more I think about it, the more I like the idea.

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 23 May 17 - 04:01 PM

Hoping the National Parks were suitably magnificent for His Imperial Rapturous Rex and the ladies in His company.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 30 May 17 - 04:46 PM

MOAB is closed for repairs, according to the Mudcat Cafe.

That's a first for me.

Your Imperious Rapturous Grace,
I did see your contribution of an image of habits
before MOAB shut down.

Reading the small print below the engraving, I wanted to see if any of those religious orders are orders I recognize as still being around today. I counted six out of the sixteen.

Including the Carthusians, as in "Great Silence" or "Tiefe Stille."

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 May 17 - 10:54 PM

We are pleased that you made the effort to recognize those habits, as We were once taught by nuns (the School Sisters of Notre Dame), brothers (Fratres Scholarum Christiantiorum), and friars (Order of Friars Minor). From these We learned many things: the Trivium, the Quadrivium, Theology, Philosophy, and various of the useful arts such as Medicine and Architecture. Of course, We later followed the Highest Path of Learning, that recounted in such as the Versuch eines vollständigen Lehrbuchs der Bibliothek-Wissenschaft oder Anleitung zur vollkommenen Geschäftsführung eines Bibliothekars of Schrettinger, S. R. Ranganathan's Five Laws, and Our mentor and friend Jesse Hauk Shera's An epistemological foundation.

Our royal nieces had a wonderful time, or so We are led to believe.

Imperial Torturer, We give you permission to use any needle size you deem fit.


Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex          ®       His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Jun 17 - 10:11 PM

My People! Patricia, Our imperial consort, has been told by the chirurgeons that she need only take medicine. She need not undergo the trials of chemotherapy or radiation. And the chirurgeons in Our city of Seattle in the Province of Washington will be monitoring her progress, e'en though she will be residing here.

Therefore, We declare sixty days of festival, song, music! As one of Our people has said, "Let the wild ruckus begin!"


Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex          ®          His Mark
Font of Happiness

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 27 Jun 17 - 04:47 PM

Yay, Sire! That is most wonderful news! Please pass on good wishes to your Imperial Consort from all those of us here down below.

As a token of rejoicing, and as a one-off celebration, I shall make sure that each occupant of the oubliette has two extra grains of rice this evening.

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 27 Jun 17 - 07:03 PM

In celebration of the Imperial Consort's being allowed to keep her hair on her head, her food in her tummy, and her spirits in high places, I shall resume ignoring this thread immediately.

Bee-dubya-ell
Imperial Ignoramus
His Mark <¡!>

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Jun 17 - 09:19 AM

Imperial Torturer, We direct you to also allow the tips of the toes of those chained to the walls of Our oubliette to touch the floor. Also, as a mark of Our magnanimity they each may have a small sip of clean water every other day during the period of rejoicing. You may, at your discretion, turn a hose on them and therewith cleanse them of their ordure once during the festivities.


Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex          ®          His Mark
The Merciful and Just

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 28 Jun 17 - 09:05 PM

Oh Great One, your magnanimity knows no bounds......is there no limit to your generosity? I am speechless, gobsmacked, flabbergasted etc. as will be the wretched inmates of the oubliette.


Not only shall the hoses be turned on said inmates as per your expressed desire, the force shall be turned down slightly as we don't want to blast them out the other side of the walls. Very slightly.

The Empiratical Banjo Ensemble is tuning up as we speak (although it has to be said you would never know it) to play a song of much joy and rejoicing for Her Royal Empress The Most High and Mighty Princess Patricia.

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)