BS: Rap for emperor

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 11 Feb 20 - 07:11 PM

Gold, frankincense, and myrrh? Perhaps The Emperor has me confused with the Imperial Lickspittle.

Bestowing of gifts is not in the Imperial Ignoramus's job description. In fact, it's expressly prohibited under terms of the agreement between The United Brotherhood of Ignoramuses' and The Coalition of Faux Empires, Fictitious Dictatorships, and Make-Believe Banana Republics.

Bee-dubya-ell
Imperial Ignoramus Etc.
His Mark <¡!>

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 11 Feb 20 - 10:53 PM

Right-o, Sire. Consider it done. It won't be difficult to find fresh water as our daily storm is about to arrive, thunder is rumbling around as we speak.

Those long-term prisoners are overcome with gratitude at Your Most Gracious Majesty's munificence, so much so that they are reluctant to leave. However space considerations demand that they do so, in other words, it's getting a bit crowded in here.

What is myrrh anyway?

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and Overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 11 Feb 20 - 11:47 PM

Imperial Torturer, myrrh is something that makes groups of people merrier: "The myrrh the merrier!"

Bee-dubya-ell
Imperial Ignoramus Etc.
His Mark <¡!>

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 12 Feb 20 - 05:55 AM

Of course it is!

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and Overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 05:13 PM

My People!

We have been busy and have neglected Our subjects but not Our duties. Because of the Deathly Danger we face together We are reducing the weekly tax by 0.04% and shall be giving each of you, Our loyal subjects, a quarter-groat to spend in any manner you like. For economic reasons We can change neither the quarter-groat sales tax nor the one groat general product tax, but We know that you willingly pay these to maintain the Imperial Empire.

Should you, in your perambulations, come across an unfortunate who has surrendered to the Deathly Danger, please send word to the Imperial Gravediggers Guild and the matter will be dealt with on the spot.

Know that your Emperor suffers with you and that We hve sequestered Ourself and the Princess Patricia in Our humble lodge in the mountains. Please do not attempt to see Us and know that We are doing as well as possible on Our Imperial Physician's ordered diet of steak, lobster, truffles, chocolate, and other simple foods. We would not with to spread whatever We might have.

We think of you all the time.

Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex         ®       His mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 07:16 PM

Ah......but do you and Her Most Serene Highness The Princess Patricia have enough toilet paper to see you through the crisis?

The inmates are running out of supplies of this necessary commodity so as Imperial Torturer I have sent out an edict on your behalf, Oh Great One, that all toilet paper will henceforth for the foreseeable future be washed for re-use.

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and Overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Ed T
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 10:27 PM

Help, Emperor,
I don't know what to do. I just ran out of Toilet paper at a bad time.
The only paper product option that see is coffee filters. Should I use them?   If not, should I hide my underwear"

Subject: RE: BS: Wipe 'fore you empty 'er
From: Severn
Date: 20 Mar 20 - 10:56 PM

Shouldn't it be classified as commode-ities?

Ed T.If you find yourself wiped out and have to use coffee filters, the courts of the Emperor, which because of their own shortages are at least a court low, cannot convict you of anything because of insufficient grounds.....

If they test your used filters, they will not be able to taste any difference between them and the coffee served in the Imperial Prisons.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 23 Mar 20 - 03:50 PM

No, better not to spread around the lobsters and the chocolate ...

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 18 Apr 20 - 07:29 PM

The latest report from the mountains, if true,
gives the word 'thumbscrew' an entirely new meaning.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Apr 20 - 09:55 PM

Yes, We have had Our Imperial Left Metacarpophalangeal Joint fused due to pain. Our Imperial Hand Surgeon discovered that the reason We were experiencing pain was because We no longer had any cartilage to cushion the movement of Our joint. We were first in a splint and now We have a scarlet-and-black cast, which must remain in place for three and a half more weeks.

Should the Imperial Torturer need new ideas We have some.

Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex            ®       His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 18 Apr 20 - 10:46 PM

Good to hear your recovery is ongoing, Oh Great One!

New ideas for torture are always welcome. Things in the dungeon are becoming slightly more dire than before; the toilet paper has now been washed several times and is, I fear, disintegrating.......as are the bums of the inmates. I have sent a few trusties out in the bush to gather suitable leaves for the purpose. Some leaves can be used as a substitute for sandpaper, so they should withstand a certain amount of use.

The quarters of your Imperial Torturer and Spouse are, however, comfortable and cosy, and lack for very little in the way of needs. The biggest hurdle is a certain amount of boredom from isolation, but we do venture forth occasionally for food and medications. The weekly drug run is now the social highlight of our lives.

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and Overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Apr 20 - 09:15 PM

My subjects! At great expense to the Imperial Treasury We have procured for you a lotion that will PREVENT you from catching the filthy coronavirus from others! Regularly applied you WILL NOT catch it from others, so you can go about your mundane tasks as usual! This miraculous lotion is called by the alchemists 1-Butanethiol, and We suggest that you visit your local chemist's shop or apothecary and get some. Yes, it comes from Our Imperial Medical Magazine of Supplies, so you can be certain of its quality and strength.


Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex          ®          His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 13 May 20 - 09:42 AM

The scarlet and black cast protecting the recovering hand is to come off today.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap the emperical
From: Severn
Date: 13 May 20 - 11:32 AM

Cast aside?

How do you apply this lotion and how many times a day and where? Does it last long enough to see us through our Tuesdane through Sundane tasks as well? Is it flammable or merely flim-flammable like some of your previous recommendations? Is it sugar or alcohol free and certified organic? Would Trump recommend injecting it? Would mould you recommend injecting into Trump? What are the known side effects?

Doc Savage,
Man of Bronze & Brainze

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Donuel
Date: 13 May 20 - 05:25 PM

It probably won't matter Severn. I tried to buy some and it costs over $30,000. On the back of the lotion there are ads for mortgage companies.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: beardedbruce
Date: 13 May 20 - 06:48 PM

Sorry,

Price is $101.00 a liter


Mudcat members are encouraged to buy all they want

https://www.sigmaaldrich.com/catalog/product/aldrich/112925?lang=en®ion=US

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 May 20 - 09:52 PM

Then, as Bearded Bruce obviously knows, it will certainly prevent others from coming close enough to you to transmit any disease. We are pleased with this disclosure and herewith name Bearded Bruce to the position of Imperial Alchymist, and his Mark shall be ?. Let no one other than the Imperial Alchymist use it at their peril!

Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex            ®          His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 23 May 20 - 03:20 PM

Did Your Rapturous Rexness keep the cast as a trophy
once it came off?

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 24 May 20 - 10:08 PM

We have sent it to the Imperial Torturer for her use.

Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex       ®      His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 25 May 20 - 02:04 AM

For which we are most grateful, Sire! It makes a very handy device for whacking the noggins of the odd (and some of them are very odd, believe me) recalcitrant.

This morning's heavy fog led to a few cases of mistaken identity - ufortunately, one of the staff was whacked in error. We are, however, told he will recover and should be back on the job, none the worse for wear, within a month or two and the dent in his head should close over time.

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and Overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 30 Aug 20 - 07:21 PM

Your Imperious Rapturous Rexness,
what is this I hear of
a plague of grasshoppers?

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 01 Sep 20 - 06:06 PM

... well, I had heard that it was Rap versus grasshoppers,
and it is to be hoped that
the grasshoppers didn't, erm, defeat him.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Sep 20 - 06:16 PM

We wrote "grasshoppers" rather than "those who would overthrown Our magnanimous and forgiving reign" so that We would not stigmatize anyone. We have dealt with them and Our Imperial Torturer should shortly receive the remnants of these ungracious and ungrateful bits of protoplasm for appropriate disposal.


Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex          ®         His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 01 Sep 20 - 06:42 PM

At what point does a bunch of grasshoppers stop being a nuisance and become a pestilence?

Bee-dubya-ell
Imperial Ignoramus
His mark: <¡!>

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 01 Sep 20 - 08:55 PM

Gee - thanks, Sire! That will be a real treat for the Oubliette!

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and Overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 04 Oct 20 - 07:15 PM

"Sub-lurk" is the word nowadays.

The Imperial Game Warden used the word in his latest message.
And as to the Imperial Alchymist,
nothing has been heard from him since his Imperial appointment.

In the meanwhile,
there are reports of further consultations
between His Imperious Rexness
and his royal chirurgiens.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 07 Oct 20 - 01:44 PM

... nor do I have recent updates on
the Minister of De Fence.

But the Imperial Torturer, and myself, remain on A Lert.
What the world needs now
is More Lerts.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 07 Oct 20 - 09:28 PM

And We thank you, but expect nothing less from Our subjects.


Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex             ®      His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 07 Oct 20 - 11:43 PM

We are currently Lerting to the best of our ability.

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and Overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 09 Oct 20 - 07:53 PM

The Imperial Game Warden did venture out of the house this year,
and it occurs to me to wonder
if the Imperial Game will see hide nor hair of the Warden
before spring, next year.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Oct 20 - 09:55 PM

Our Imperial Game Warden has, to Our certain knowledge, been quite busy in Our Forests in the Northern Part of Our North American continent. Indeed, We are as pleased with his activity as that of the Imperial Torturer and all of Our Imperial staff


Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex          ®          His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for em Wperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Nov 20 - 07:45 AM

My People! A terrible thing happened! With only a single stroke an attempt was made to cut down your beloved Emperor or in his prime! Yes, on the 11th instant We were taken to the Imperial Hospital branch located here and a diagnosis was made of that not one, but FOUR strokes were made on Our body! Fortunately they were all small and Our Good Chirugeon, Dr. Julio Vasquez, removed the poisons which caused these indignities. We are recovering, and the Empress Patricia is caring for Us. Our throat is sore and a nerve was stretched so that We will not be able to address you until it is cured, but We are told that will be only a week or two.

To celebrate, all Oubliette residents are to be hosed down and water rations are doubled whilst We recover. Let joy be unconfined, but not to the extent that Our prisoners get the idea that such joy applies to them.

Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex         ®      His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 19 Nov 20 - 04:37 PM

Sire, the miscreants have been saying a daily prayer for the recovery of Your Good Self. Now, 'a' daily prayer might not seem like much.....but it starts at midnight and continues until midnight the next day, whereupon it resumes. The hosing down and extra water rations have, therefore, been a boon.

We also send our best wishes and grateful thanks to the Princess Patricia.

Dr Julio's picture is now hanging below that of our Beloved Emperor and his Princess.

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and Overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 19 Nov 20 - 06:43 PM

Princess Patricia needs an upgrade from Princess to Empress. Pronto!

Since my rented surgical tools (and yard implements) were not small or sharp enough to do the job, I'm glad the physician had everything needed.

Imperial Mudelf {Æ}

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 20 Nov 20 - 01:00 AM

Thank you for the reminder, Mudelf!

My most humble and abject apologies to the Empress Patricia for her temporary demotion.

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and Overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 20 Nov 20 - 08:51 PM

Now if we can just round up everybody else,
like the Minister of de Fence,
and the Imperial Game Warden,
and whatever it is that Severn is still good for ...

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 23 Nov 20 - 01:55 PM

Wishing Emperor Rap and Empress Patricia
a healing, rejuvenating, socially-distanced observation
of the Thanksgiving festival/formerly/feast this season.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 24 Nov 20 - 09:13 PM

May I ask, your Imperious Rex,
if your arm is working again
or is mobility still limited?

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 25 Nov 20 - 08:26 PM

My People! We are grateful to be able to again with all of You a Happy Thanksgiving if you are celebrating such tomorrow and wish to Thank all of You for your continued obeisance and fealty during this difficult time. Without You, We would have had to grub as you must and We know that You would never want that. Therefore, We have commanded that Our table for the feast tomorrow be prepared and We share it with you. Because of Our recent physical problems it shall be a small repast of no more than seven servings, not including the apertifs and the sweets.

Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex         ®      His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 25 Nov 20 - 09:32 PM

Oh, Great One - we thank you! However when I tried to access the link to your table I was given 'page not found'.

Is this because you are not pushing your good fortune down the throats of those less fortunate?

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and Overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 27 Nov 20 - 03:06 PM

This one goes out to whoever does the, erm,
sausage-making in This, the Emperor's Realm.

Just wondered if you have ever heard of this one.
Outside the Realm, my health is being treated in an establishment
which will serve, in the dining room for breakfast tomorrow,
a menu which includes   

ORK SAUSAGE.

Do they mean Orc Sausage, one wonders?
And for what purpose
would anybody make sausages out of orcs?

Well, sausage-making is not for the faint of heart, clearly.
Which is why I don't do it ...

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 13 Dec 20 - 03:07 PM

Your Most Rapturous Rexness, sir,
how goes your recovery?
Are your nerves and blood vessels and all
healing as they ought to do?

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 13 Dec 20 - 08:48 PM

We shan't know until January 5 of next year, when Our carotid artery will be ultrasounded for Doppler flow. We are told that this is only excruciatingly painful, and We may recommend it to Our Imperial Torturer as a special treat for the prisoners if that is indeed the case.

Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex          ®       His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Dec 20 - 07:07 AM

Ultra sound near the brainstem is Painful?

Hooray, we can abbandon all that messy water boardinng.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 16 Dec 20 - 12:35 AM

Perhaps, Sire, you could ask at the medical facility on your next visit if there are any surplus/obsolete machines that could be passed on to the Imperial Oubliette? Some of the torture Stuff doesn't work as well as it used to, I think it (or perhaps it's the people pressing the buttons) are getting a bit past it.

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and Overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 28 Dec 20 - 03:03 PM

Apart from the ultrasound appointment,
anything we all ought to anticipate
in This, your Realm, during the coming year?

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 31 Dec 20 - 12:46 PM

Best wishes to the Emperor and Empress
for the holiday weekend
before the artery exam.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 31 Dec 20 - 12:55 PM

Borrow some of that medical equipment and start prospecting for buried treasure. Maybe those MRI things can be adjusted to become GPR.

Have an excellent new year, you two!

Imperial Mudelf {Æ}

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 02 Jan 21 - 09:35 PM

My people! We have good news for all of you. Because of Our generous nature, We will only be collecting a paltry 104% rate on the income tax this year, allowing you to keep 21% more than last year. Taxes on property are herewith reduced to 97% of the value of said property, real, personal, intellectual, or other. Rejoice, for your Emperor is indeed magnanimous and caring.

We have also declared the 11th day of February to be henceforth and for all time celebrated with banquets and festivities.

None of the above applies to those in Our Imperial Oubliette. We are pleased with our Imperial Torturer, who has reduced the temperature therein to slightly above the freezing point of alcohol so that the prisoners will not become overheated and ill.

Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex          ®      His Mark