BS: Rap for emperor

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 25 Jun 19 - 10:41 AM

During a recent fit of pondering*, it occurred to The Imperial Ignoramus that, to the best of his admittedly limited knowledge, there is no official Imperial currency. We therefore suggest that the Squat be adopted as the default Currency Of the Realm.

The Squat would be an appropriate medium of exchange for The Empire because having Squat and not having Squat mean exactly the same thing. A handful of Squat and a dump truck full of Squat are of identical value. They're both worth nothing.

Consider the savings the Imperial Treasury would accrue by adopting the Squat as Imperial currency versus adopting some other currency that has "real" value. Since a Squat is of no value, there would be no need to mint or print physical coins or bills (unless The Emperor should choose to produce limited runs of worthless coins to toss to street urchins and/or buxom female subjects during Imperial Parades). There wouldn't even be any need to create spreadsheets detailing the digital transfer of Squats from one account to another since all such accounts would be empty. Computer resources could, therefore, be put to more valuable uses like viewing pictures of kittens, puppies, and overpriced guitars and banjos.

We further suggest that the denominations in which Squats are issued be:

The Squat, having a value of one Squat
The Pi-Squat, having a value of 3.1415926535897932384626433... Squats
The Diddley-Squat, having a value of a brand new house by the roadside made outta rattlesnake hide



* Fitful pondering is part of the Imperial Ignoramus's official job description. To quote from the Official Document of Investiture:

"The Imperial Ignoramus shall, from time to time, devote a portion of his so-called attention to pondering stupid things beyond the ken of those in possession of a sound mind."

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Severn
Date: 28 Jun 19 - 11:31 AM

What is the worth of a squatter on Imperial Lands? Will there be an official redefining of "Squatters' Rights?.

Also, take into mind what many people do in emergencies while they squat. I would hope that the results would not be used as currency, even if left to harden for awhile. People would be saying things like,

"Yer squat ain't shit an' yer shit ain't squat!" y

....though it can be used as fertilizer. Since animals do it regularly, and even the Pope has been known to shit in the woods, there would be danger of counterfeiting.Banks would be places to "get your shit togerhet. There would be problems enforcing Law and Odor with both savings and spending, deposits and withdrawals (or even withdrawal symptoms) or in times of panic, a run on the banks. Would Imperial Squat be worth more than Common Squat? What about the squat of the elderly? Depends, I guess.....


For a welcome change of subject, since our neighbors over in the Land of Oz have their beautiful green Emerald City for their capital, why should we be outdone. I propose a new and equally colorful capital named for our Beloved Emporer, "Rap City In Blue"......

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 28 Jun 19 - 08:28 PM

I like it.

Will it have a Peacock Throne?

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and Overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 28 Jun 19 - 09:51 PM

We have no intention of sitting upon one or more peacocks.

Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex          ®       His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 28 Jun 19 - 10:55 PM

Oh Most Gracious Sire, here are a cuple of options for your consideration:

Kingly throne

Or my personal favourite:

King Ludwig II of Bavaria throne

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and Overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 29 Jun 19 - 09:27 AM

The only throne truly worth of being sat upon by His Most Imperious Imperiousness.

Bee-dubya-ell
Imperial Ignoramus
His Mark <¡!>

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Severn
Date: 29 Jun 19 - 12:13 PM

We could have a contest to determine how far a pea fowl could be thrown, live or dead, kind of the Game (Bird) of Thrown, made required weekly viewing on KRAP, the official Faux News Network outlet. If we can find a way of keeping them from making any noise, we can keep a few of the birds around for decorations, but they emit a noise that makes the screams from Jenny G's torture chamber sound like the Mormon Tabernacle Choir. A few of the overly vain peacocks to look beautiful to the people and a few of the more drab pea hens to look beautiful to the peacocks. If three get to be too many of them, just as in the case of the late Mr. Dumpty, all the kings horses and men shall have omelets or we donate any surplus offspring to The Games......

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 29 Jun 19 - 07:47 PM

Ah, Severn,
the place has not been the same without you.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Severn
Date: 30 Jun 19 - 10:25 PM

For better or worse, no place ever is, for some reason.....

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 02 Jul 19 - 02:44 AM

Severn......

If the Thrown Bird did not survive, would that be murder most fowl?

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and Overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 02 Jul 19 - 03:25 AM

The Florabama Lounge, an infamous beach bar near The Imperial Ignoramus's humble homestead, hosts an annual Mullet Toss, wherein contestants vie to see who can throw a mullet the greatest distance. There are some who say the Mullet Toss does not qualify as a Game of Thrown since a mullet is considered a food fish, but not a game fish. Those people have obviously never smelled a two-day-old mullet, which is quite gamy indeed.

Bee-dubya-ell
Imperial Ignoramus Etc.
His Mark <¡!>

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Severn
Date: 02 Jul 19 - 10:22 AM

Your Mexican Jumping Beanse Beans have more sense of rhythm than most shaky egg players. The great thing is that stage mics seldom pick up the sound of them anyway, so that you have people on stage looking contented and busy, but usually can be making a visual effect rather than a sound effect.If someone requests a little more shaky egg to the sound man, you in the audience just hope and pray th "shakist", "Egger On" or however one describes such people knows what they're doing......

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Severn
Date: 02 Jul 19 - 10:41 AM

Jennie,
That w multiple deaths of the majority of the birds....

Not to be confused with the Wrung-Necked Peasant, a different endangered species altogether and reportedly less tasty.....

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 03 Jul 19 - 05:43 PM

Rap City in Blue?

We could check this out with the
vice emperor
and the
Imperial Game Warden
(peacocks).

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 15 Oct 19 - 07:40 PM

His Imperial Majesty's Head Game Warden,
Mudcat's Gnu,
is quietly convalescing
after a loss in his family;
kindly think positive thoughts on his behalf.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Severn
Date: 15 Oct 19 - 09:14 PM

Positive thoughts being thought for those closest to the deceased, as well as for gnu, one of the finest of Mudcatters.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 15 Oct 19 - 10:36 PM

That is sad news......loving thoughts being sent to gnu, who seems like a very nice bloke.

JennieG
Imperial Torturer

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Oct 19 - 06:44 PM

We are not ignoring this thread, nor you, Our subjects.

Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex             ®       His mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 17 Oct 19 - 07:48 PM

That's good to hear, O Most Noble Sire! How are things in the Royal Palace?

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and Overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Severn
Date: 17 Oct 19 - 07:50 PM

Subjects, Hell! We don't even seem to qualify as predicates of late. The way we've been left alone and ignored, you'd almost think we were gerunds.....

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 17 Oct 19 - 08:54 PM

Imperial Torturer, please make not of the act of rebellion in the immediately preceding post. Please kindly and gently warn the poster of the consequences of rebellion and, especially, of the misuse of grammatical constructs.

We thank you.


Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex       ®      His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 18 Oct 19 - 12:25 PM

A few posts back, Emperor Rap asserted that he has not been ignoring this thread. That is good to know since ignoring this thread is the prerogative of The Imperial Ignoramus. If this thread needs ignoring, I'll take care of it. It's my job, and I take pride in a job well done.

Bee-dubya-ell
Imperial Ignoramus
His mark: <¡!>

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 18 Oct 19 - 03:27 PM

... dangling participles?

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 18 Oct 19 - 07:43 PM

It is good, Imperial Ignoramus, that you take your duties seriously......otherwise I might have to take mine equally seriously! You are probably the best Imperial Ignoramus ever known.

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and Overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Oct 19 - 08:40 PM

All of Our subjects are the best available. We always strive for quality subjects and those which are substandard are dealt with forthwith.


Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex          ®      His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 19 Oct 19 - 12:55 AM

What He said.

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and Overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 19 Oct 19 - 03:58 PM

Gnu, the Imperial Head Game Warden,
has communicated with a fellow Mudcatter --
meaning, this update is second- or third- hand on my part.

Gnu suffered a fall,
the source of the injuries
that have put him in hospital.
The report says he will be there for a while yet.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 21 Oct 19 - 01:31 PM

I have no further news on Gnu the Imperial Game Warden.
Which perhaps is good news,
meaning that his condition is no worse
and that he continues treatment and recovery.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 21 Oct 19 - 07:18 PM

I am sorry to hear that The Imperial Game Warden has suffered a fall. It is doubtlessly a serious matter.

After all, Gnu is not one to suffer falls gladly.

Bee-dubya-ell
Imperial Ignoramus
(and occasional punster if Severn isn't around)
His mark: <¡!>

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 30 Oct 19 - 12:40 PM

I posted a bit of good cheer to Gnu,
it may be a while before he has it.
Not sure if he is at home,
or still in hospital.
Just to recap:

Gnu's elderly mother is the one who passed away.
The two of them have lived next door to each other for years,
with him taking care of here,
and caregivers also coming when his mother was ill.
She passed in late September;
I don't know this for certain, but
it may have been after the funeral that Gnu fell and hurt himself.

I wonder who is filling in while the
Imperial Game Warden is recuperating.
Maybe olddude??

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 30 Oct 19 - 07:02 PM

Perhaps the post can be held open, or suspended, until gnu is able to resume his duties? Wouldn't want him to feel he has been usurped.

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and Overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 31 Oct 19 - 05:16 PM

... and where is olddude,
our vice emperor of vice, anyhow?

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 31 Oct 19 - 08:45 PM

We have been following the reports of Our Imperial Game Warden. He fell while pursuing a felon who was unequivocally poached Our game in Our forests. In the fall the Imperial Game Warden's crossbow launched its bolt, which ended up in the rearmost muscles of the miscreant. The bolt containing tranquilizing solution, the criminal wandered back to the IGW, who asked for assistance. The crook said something to the effect of "Like, groovy, man, ya know?" and wandered off. Fortunately help was nearby and the IGW was taken to a medical facility for treatment. It is believed the poacher fell into a hole formerly used coal mining, but didn't care.


Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex             ®         His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Severn
Date: 31 Oct 19 - 10:36 PM

Does that mean that Gnu is now suffering from a game leg? I hope,at least, it doesn't smell that way.

Does it also mean that His Empricity

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 31 Oct 19 - 10:47 PM

I The Imperial Ignoramus do suggest that The Imperial Game Warden's responsibilities be expanded to include not only game of the finned, furred, and feathered varieties, but also games of the board variety.

Though the IGW is currently unable to pursue poachers, he is probably quite capable of making sure whoever uses the Parcheesi game puts it back where it belongs.

He could also oversee the Friday Night Bingo Game and deliver any cheaters to the Imperial Torturer Etc. for rehabilitation.


Bee-dubya-ell
Imperial Ignoramus
His mark: <¡!>

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 01 Nov 19 - 04:28 PM

Indeed. Games are games are games.

We need some new ideas for torture, and gaming cheats would be ideal for practicing on/to/with.

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and Overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 01 Nov 19 - 05:19 PM

Gnu is getting new glasses in a few days so poachers, beware. He'll have his eyes out for them (jumping in for a extemporaneous post without having read the whole thread.)

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Rapparee
Date: 01 Nov 19 - 10:10 PM

We welcome you and herewith name you "Imperial Mudelf." You may use this as your personal mark:

{Æ}


Emperor Rapparee, Imperious Rex          ®            His Mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 02 Nov 19 - 05:57 PM

Welcome, in sooth!
Regardless of sooth, in fact.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 05 Nov 19 - 02:38 PM

The latest from the Minister of De Fence was positive news,
although he doesn't report in all that often.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 06 Nov 19 - 11:14 AM

The Emperor and his subjects were aware, I suppose,
of the fake obituary notice
posted by the imperial Chief Chef Kendall
earlier this year while the weather was warmer.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 07 Nov 19 - 12:29 PM

Giuliani may soon be discovered, fetal position, between the rails of the NY Subway. This could be considered a tRump gaming cheat since he or his cohort will do the pushing. Do the Imperial Game Warden's responsibilities include overseeing rough-housing in the IRT? Not sure what the creatures are—bird-brained but spineless, anatomically a mystery. Amphioxus won't own them.


Imperial Mudelf {Æ} – her mark

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 12 Nov 19 - 12:14 PM

The Emperor's Head Game Warden has made his presence known in ...
the Recovery Ward [thread].
Lurking rather than hunting.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 12 Nov 19 - 12:24 PM

There's still a hunting possibility - slow moving critters could end up as roadkill on his grill. Not the approved method, of course, and provincial regulations regarding roadkill may vary; in the state of Louisiana you're entitled to keep to skin out or eat what you run into. States used to frown on the road meat practice, though I've just learned there are about 20 states that allow it.

Imperial Mudelf {Æ}

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 13 Nov 19 - 12:11 PM

The vice emperor of vice is back from Alaska, by the way.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 27 Nov 19 - 04:22 PM

Well, the Vice Emperor of Vice is home [olddude],
and the Imperial Head Game Warden has been
discharged from hospital into the care of his family
and continues to recover at home.


Just this week, a distracting bit of news:
a coastal county in Texas, which designs itself
the Alligator Capitol,
had some feral animals ambushing and killing
a professional caregiver as this person
arrived at the house of her elderly client.
What killed the caregiver outside the house, however,
was not alligators,
but feral hogs.
Anybody else hear about that one? Sounded utterly gruesome.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Nov 19 - 04:29 PM

I sense a great disturbance in the force of the Empire.

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: JennieG
Date: 29 Nov 19 - 09:23 PM

That is good gnus to hear.

I don't blame the Vice Emperor of Vice for going to Alaska. I have only been once but loved it, and would go back in a heartbeat.

It's a nicer place than the Imperial Oubliette, no matter how many waterless vases of weeds are set around......

JennieG
Imperial Torturer, Dungeon Choir Wrangler and Overseer of Empiratical Banjo Ensemble
[§] Her mark
(For which I thank Our Most Gracious Emperor Rapparee)

Subject: RE: BS: The Empire Preserved
From: Severn
Date: 30 Nov 19 - 12:11 PM

I hope that our beloved warden is game enough to be sending the Empowerer His yearly supply of homemade Game Preserves. They differ from Game Jelly and Game Jam by being chunkier, and therefore a bit gamier. The ingredients are a State Secret.

As they sing, "It's all in the game"

Subject: RE: BS: Rap for emperor
From: keberoxu
Date: 30 Nov 19 - 12:21 PM

800 posts!


If I could ask an irreverent question
right this minute of His Rapturous Rex,
I would ask for his assessment/opinion of
New Hampshire's Blue Mountain Forest and Game Preserve,
colloquially known as Corbin Park.
Relevant to the feral-hog issue, amongst other things.