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BS: First Joke Thread of 2017

Donuel 15 Aug 17 - 11:49 AM
Donuel 17 Aug 17 - 10:04 AM
Georgiansilver 18 Aug 17 - 10:49 AM
Mr Red 21 Aug 17 - 02:57 AM
RobbieWilson 21 Aug 17 - 04:13 PM
frogprince 21 Aug 17 - 09:22 PM
Mrrzy 06 Sep 17 - 10:12 AM
Doug Chadwick 07 Sep 17 - 04:40 PM
Jim Carroll 12 Sep 17 - 03:37 AM
Mr Red 12 Sep 17 - 03:50 AM
Steve Shaw 12 Sep 17 - 03:56 AM
Steve Shaw 12 Sep 17 - 07:51 PM
Donuel 19 Sep 17 - 12:58 PM
Peter the Squeezer 19 Sep 17 - 03:13 PM
Steve Shaw 19 Sep 17 - 03:34 PM
Joe_F 19 Sep 17 - 09:48 PM
Joe_F 20 Sep 17 - 06:02 PM
Donuel 23 Sep 17 - 11:54 AM
Donuel 24 Sep 17 - 11:15 AM
Donuel 24 Sep 17 - 11:42 AM
Mrrzy 24 Sep 17 - 11:46 AM
Mr Red 25 Sep 17 - 04:42 AM
Donuel 25 Sep 17 - 06:14 AM
Jim Carroll 25 Sep 17 - 06:31 AM
Mrrzy 25 Sep 17 - 10:08 AM
Donuel 25 Sep 17 - 07:16 PM
Jim Carroll 25 Sep 17 - 07:48 PM
Donuel 25 Sep 17 - 11:07 PM
Andrez 27 Sep 17 - 08:08 AM
Donuel 27 Sep 17 - 12:41 PM
Iains 28 Sep 17 - 04:55 AM
Donuel 28 Sep 17 - 12:50 PM
Mr Red 29 Sep 17 - 05:14 AM
Steve Shaw 29 Sep 17 - 08:33 AM
Donuel 29 Sep 17 - 08:59 AM
Mr Red 30 Sep 17 - 06:29 AM
Steve Shaw 30 Sep 17 - 07:14 AM
Donuel 30 Sep 17 - 04:33 PM
Donuel 30 Sep 17 - 04:38 PM
Steve Shaw 30 Sep 17 - 04:40 PM
Donuel 30 Sep 17 - 06:44 PM
Steve Shaw 30 Sep 17 - 09:09 PM
DMcG 01 Oct 17 - 03:00 AM
Mr Red 01 Oct 17 - 05:22 AM
Steve Shaw 01 Oct 17 - 06:44 AM
Donuel 01 Oct 17 - 06:53 AM
Steve Shaw 01 Oct 17 - 07:34 AM
Donuel 01 Oct 17 - 12:08 PM
Raggytash 01 Oct 17 - 03:45 PM
Steve Shaw 01 Oct 17 - 04:33 PM
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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Aug 17 - 11:49 AM

In defeat Nixon made his famous speech
"You're not going to have Richard Nixon to kick around anymore"
In defeat Trump may indeed say
"You're going to have Donald Trump to stick around forevermore"
"The Gulf of Mexico is now the Gulf of Trump."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Aug 17 - 10:04 AM

Mr. Woody Allen thank you so much for seeing me, it is an honor.

Well I heard your unusual screenplay has potential.

Honestly that's a first, When Steven Spielberg heard it was about gassing people in large chambers he wouldn't see me and when Quenton Tarantino heard it was about gassing Nazis but they became nice he canceled and when Ridley Scott was told the emergent Nazis did not eat people he never called back.

What is it that the Nazis do exactly.

After they are gassed with Oxytocin they marry Asians, blacks and minorities...by the way it is a Jew who gasses the Nazis.

Your movie is greenlighted!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Aug 17 - 10:49 AM

Bee-dubya-ell this ones for you! What did Delaware boys?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 21 Aug 17 - 02:57 AM

A knock on the door and standing there are two pooches, one with a briefcase under his arm. The other speaks:




"I've come to talk to you about Dog"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: RobbieWilson
Date: 21 Aug 17 - 04:13 PM

An old Scottish one; Did you hear about the trumpeter who found a weed in his garden?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: frogprince
Date: 21 Aug 17 - 09:22 PM

Robbie Wilson, am I reading that wrong? A trumpet isn't a weed instrument.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Sep 17 - 10:12 AM

My camping thing theme's was $mas, and I learned this joke:

So these three drunk guys are driving home after a late, late Christmas Eve, and they crash and wind up at the pearly gates with an impatient Peter who just wants to get back to the party, but is feeling expansive. Show me one Christmas thing and you're in, he says. So the first guy takes a lighter out, lights it, and exclaims Christmas lights! and is waved in. The second guy takes out his car keys, shakes them and cries, Christmas bells! and gets waved in. The third guy whips out a pair of panties and waves them. What are those? asks Peter.

Oh, these are Carol's!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 07 Sep 17 - 04:40 PM

"I've come to talk to you about Dog"

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?

He lay awake all night wondering if there really was a Dog.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 12 Sep 17 - 03:37 AM

Saw a piece of graffiti painted in large letters on the back of an English van in Galway yesterday
"A hard-on does not count as personal growth"
Left me smiling all day
Jim Caaarroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 12 Sep 17 - 03:50 AM

On that theme -
What is the difference between light and hard?

Well you can go to sleep with the light on.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Sep 17 - 03:56 AM

My favourite bit of van graffiti was scrawled in tne dirt on the back of a van in Bristol "I wish my wife was this dirty." As we were stuck in a traffic jam I was able to get a photo!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Sep 17 - 07:51 PM

Two shamelessly nicked from Tim Vine's Radio 4 show this evening.

Priscilla, having fished Elvis out of the swimming pool for the tenth time, asks him, "Elvis, why do I have to keep rescuing you from the pool?"

He replies, "I can't help falling in, love..."




"I went to the fairground today and went on a ride. While I was on there, half the time I was laughing my head off and half the time I was in floods of tears.

It was an emotional roller-coaster..."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Sep 17 - 12:58 PM

I have a half twin in Puerto Rico. He is addicted to placebos. If he could quit it really wouldn't matter.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 19 Sep 17 - 03:13 PM

Not so much van graffiti, but a sign spotted on a builders lorry some years ago -

Singh Brothers - Builders
Fed up with the cowboys - try the Indians


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Sep 17 - 03:34 PM

Another witty bit of van graffiti, scrawled on an extremely dirty white van: "Also available in white."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 19 Sep 17 - 09:48 PM

It may just be the placebo talking, but I don't feel any effect at all.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 20 Sep 17 - 06:02 PM

On a questionnaire: Sex (M/F)?
Reply: I prefer to F, but mostly have to M.

On another questionnaire: Use of alcoholic beverages: (1) never, (2) occasionally, (3) frequently, (4) to excess.
Reply: (2) and (4).


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Sep 17 - 11:54 AM

sign in Maryland yard:

THE SUN IS A HOAX
    at night


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Sep 17 - 11:15 AM

Donald Trump 2   - NFL 7


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Sep 17 - 11:42 AM

Russia 45   - Trump 0


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Sep 17 - 11:46 AM

Which reindeer scares dinosaurs?







... guess first ...






Comet!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 25 Sep 17 - 04:42 AM

As I was hurrying to a Irish session a lass was sweeping the carpark of a shop.
Says I (one minute later, unfortunately)

"Don't sweep it under the car, pet"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Sep 17 - 06:14 AM

image: Trump with obvious broken and bleeding nose
caption: Welcome to the NFL!

btw
(some of us remember trump funding the now defunct USFL)


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 25 Sep 17 - 06:31 AM

True story
When I finished my apprenticeship as an electrician I got a job with Liverpool Housing Department doing maintenance
In the office a framed letter from a lady customer hung on the wall reading, "Please send man - have been using candles all week"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 Sep 17 - 10:08 AM

"If I can't get a man, then I'll have to get a carrot...
And it's o, dear me, how will it be if I die an old maid in the garret?"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Sep 17 - 07:16 PM

The Devil formed a commission in hell that decides who deserves a personalized or a generic hell. There have already been meetings regarding Trump's upcoming status. Rumor has it that Trump will be the quarterback for the New England Patriots with McConnel as center Ryan as halfback and a Democratic front line.

Donald, welcome to the NFHell ! SMASH BASH CRACKLE GUSH


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 25 Sep 17 - 07:48 PM

"old maid in the garret?""
There was once a middle aged unmarried lady living alone in her garret with just her tom-cat for company -
Each night she fed the cat, had her meal and curled up on the sofa with a book until it was bedtime
One warm night she was standing by the open window and sighing out loud - "I wish I had a nice young man to keep me company, I get very lonely here"
By chance, her fairy godmother was passing and, seeing the lady's unhappiness, took out her wand, pointed it at the cat curled up on the sofa and "FLASH" - it turned into a beautiful young man
The lady was ecstatic, she gave the handsome young man a drink and told him that, if he waited she would make him a delicious meal
Sure enough, she put together a superb dinner, laid the table - wine - candles - the lot
They sat down and tucked in, drank the wine and settled back on the couch, replete
After a minute she snuggled up to him and began to stroke his face, closer, closer.... finally she threw her arms around him and kissed him - he drew back
"What's the matter" she said?
"Well" he said, "it seems you've forgotten that operation you sent me for"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Sep 17 - 11:07 PM

You just declared war
No I didn't
Yes you did
when ?
just then
That wasn't a declaration
what was "you won't be around much longer?
That was an exclamation.
So you exclaimed?
yes
So you did declare war.
No I didn't
Yes you did
when ?
just then...


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Andrez
Date: 27 Sep 17 - 08:08 AM

Good one Donuel!

Cheers,

Andrez


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Sep 17 - 12:41 PM

Trump orders a simple request to the NFL:







his Executive Order (the "Agreement") states the terms and conditions that govern the contractual agreement between the NFL having his principal place of business at [New York New York], and Donald J. Trump having its principal place of business at White House Pennsylvania Avenue Washington DC agrees to be bound by this Agreement.
WHEREAS, the NFL is described in further detail on Exhibit A, and the NFL is a contractor with whom the Client has come to an agreement to This Executive Order .
NOW, THEREFORE, In consideration of the mutual covenants and promises made by the parties to this Agreement, the President and the NFL (individually, each a "Party" and collectively, the "Parties") covenant and agree as follows:

T H E   E X EC U T I V E   O R D E R:

The NFL hereby engages the President and hereby agrees to be engaged by the President TO ALLOW NO; fan, spectator, attendee, employee, Team member- ball player or owner to kneel during the observation and performance of the National Anthem in accordance with the specifications attached hereto as Exhibit A (the "Specifications"). Locking arms as a demonstration of any kind is temporarily excluded from this agreement.


a. The NFL shall complete This Executive Order according to the milestones described on the form attached hereto as Exhibit B. In accordance with such milestones, the final action punishable by Exhibit C shall be delivered to the NFL by 30 days

a.1 Men shall be required to bow in a forward position to the President. Women shall be required to bow in a backward position to the President.

b. For a period of 30 days after delivery of This Executive Order , the NFL shall provide the attention to answer any questions or assist solving any problems with regard to the operation of This Executive Order free of charge and billed to the NFL at a rate of $100 per hour for any assistance thereafter. The NFL agrees to respond to any reasonable request for assistance made by the President regarding This Executive Order within 30 days of the request.
c. Except as expressly provided in This Executive Order , the President shall not be obligated under this Agreement to provide any other support or assistance to the NFL.
d. The PRESIDENT may cancel this Executive Order at any time upon material breach of the terms herein and failure to cure such a breach within 30 days of notification of such a breach.
e. This Executive Order shall provide to the NFL after the Delivery Date, a cumulative [TIME FRAME] of training with respect to the operation of This Executive Order if requested by the NFL.
DELIVERY. This Executive Order shall function in accordance with the Specifications on or before the Delivery Date.
a. If This Executive Order as delivered does not conform with the Specifications, the NFL shall within 30 days of the Delivery Date notify the President of the United States in writing of the ways in which it does not conform with the Specifications. The President agrees that upon receiving such notice, it shall make reasonable efforts to correct any non-conformity.
b. The NFL shall provide to the President written notice of its finding that This Executive Order conforms to the Specifications within 30 days of the Delivery Date unless it finds that This Executive Order does not conform to the Specifications as described in Section 2(A) herein.
COMPENSATION. In consideration for the Service, the NFL shall pay the President at the rate of $100 per hour (the "Hourly Rate"), with a maximum total fee [ EXHIBIT D ] for all work under This Executive Order. Fees billed under the Hourly Rate shall be due and payable upon the Developer providing the Client with an invoice. Invoices will be provided for work completed by the developer once every [PAY PERIOD].


CHANGE IN SPECIFICATIONS. The Client may request that reasonable changes be made to the Specifications and tasks associated with the implementation of the Specifications. If the NFL requests such a change, the Developer will use its best efforts to implement the requested change at no additional expense to the Client and without delaying delivery of This Executive Order . In the event that the proposed change will, in the sole discretion of the Developer, require a delay in the delivery of This Executive Order or would result in additional expense to the NFL, then the NFL and the President shall confer and the may either withdraw the proposed change or require proposed change and subject to the delay and/or additional expense. This Executive Order agrees and acknowledges that the judgment as to the NFL shall not disclose to any third party the business of the NFL, details regarding including, without limitation any information regarding the Software's code, the Specifications, or the Client's business (the "Confidential Information"), (ii) make copies of any Confidential Information or any content based on the concepts contained within the Confidential Information for personal use or for distribution unless requested to do so by the NFL, or (iii) use Confidential Information other than solely for the benefit of the President of the United States.
PRESIDENTIAL WARRANTIES. This Executive Order represents and warrants to the NFL the following:
a. Development and delivery of This Executive Order under this Agreement is not in violation of any other agreement that the President has with another party.
b. This Executive Order excludes the civil rights of any other party.
c. For a period of 100 years after the Delivery Date, This Executive Order shall operate according to the Specifications. If This Executive Order malfunctions or in any way does not operate according to the Specifications within the NFL is excluded from and against all lawsuits and costs of every kind pertaining to This Executive Order including reasonable legal fees due to This Executive Order infringement of the civil rights of any third party.
By way of example, in the event any third party sues the US Government in This Executive Order , the complainant will cover all court and legal costs in such an action.

NO MODIFICATION UNLESS IN WRITING. No modification of this Agreement shall be valid unless in writing and agreed upon by both Parties.
APPLICABLE LAW. This Executive Order and the interpretation of its terms shall be governed by and construed in accordance with the laws of the State of Florida and subject to the exclusive jurisdiction of the federal and state courts located in [Palm Beach], [Florida].
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, each of the Parties has executed this Executive order Agreement, both Parties by its duly authorized officer, as of the day and year set forth below
President of the United States
Donald J. Trump
Commander and Chief

This Executive Order (the "Agreement") states the terms and conditions that govern the contractual agreement between the NFL having his principal place of business at [New York New York], and Donald J. Trump having its principal place of business at White House Pennsylvania Avenue Washington DC agrees to be bound by this Agreement.
WHEREAS, the NFL is described in further detail on Exhibit A, and the NFL is a contractor with whom the Client has come to an agreement to This Executive Order .
NOW, THEREFORE, In consideration of the mutual covenants and promises made by the parties to this Agreement, the President and the Client (individually, each a "Party" and collectively, the "Parties") covenant and agree as follows:

This Executive Order: The NFL hereby engages the President and hereby agrees to be engaged by the President to allow no; fan. attendee, employee, Team member-ball player or owner to kneel during the observation and performance of the National Anthem in accordance with the specifications attached hereto as Exhibit A (the "Specifications").
a. The NFL shall complete This Executive Order according to the milestones described on the form attached hereto as Exhibit B. In accordance with such milestones, the final action punishable by Exhibit C shall be delivered to the NFL by 30 days [FINAL DELIVERY DATE] (the "Delivery Date").
b. For a period of 30 days after delivery of This Executive Order , the NFL shall provide the attention to answer any questions or assist solving any problems with regard to the operation of This Executive Order free of charge and billed to the NFL at a rate of $100 per hour for any assistance thereafter. The NFL agrees to respond to any reasonable request for assistance made by the President regarding This Executive Order within 30 days of the request.
c. Except as expressly provided in This Executive Order , the President shall not be obligated under this Agreement to provide any other support or assistance to the NFL.
d. The Client may terminate this Software Development Agreement at any time upon material breach of the terms herein and failure to cure such a breach within 30 days of notification of such a breach.
e. This Executive Order shall provide to the NFL after the Delivery Date, a cumulative [TIME FRAME] of training with respect to the operation of This Executive Order if requested by the NFL.
DELIVERY. This Executive Order shall function in accordance with the Specifications on or before the Delivery Date.
a. If This Executive Order as delivered does not conform with the Specifications, the NFL shall within 30 days of the Delivery Date notify the President of the United States in writing of the ways in which it does not conform with the Specifications. The President agrees that upon receiving such notice, it shall make reasonable efforts to correct any non-conformity.
b. The NFL shall provide to the President written notice of its finding that This Executive Order conforms to the Specifications within [TIME FRAME] days of the Delivery Date unless it finds that This Executive Order does not conform to the Specifications as described in Section 2(A) herein.
COMPENSATION. In consideration for the Service, the NFL shall pay the President at the rate of $100 per hour (the "Hourly Rate"), with a maximum total fee [ EXHIBIT D ] for all work under This Executive Order. Fees billed under the Hourly Rate shall be due and payable upon the Developer providing the Client with an invoice. Invoices will be provided for work completed by the developer once every [PAY PERIOD].


CHANGE IN SPECIFICATIONS. The Client may request that reasonable changes be made to the Specifications and tasks associated with the implementation of the Specifications. If the NFL requests such a change, the Developer will use its best efforts to implement the requested change at no additional expense to the Client and without delaying delivery of This Executive Order . In the event that the proposed change will, in the sole discretion of the Developer, require a delay in the delivery of This Executive Order or would result in additional expense to the NFL, then the NFL and the President shall confer and the may either withdraw the proposed change or require proposed change and subject to the delay and/or additional expense. This Executive Order agrees and acknowledges that the judgment as to the NFL shall not disclose to any third party the business of the NFL, details regarding including, without limitation any information regarding the Software's code, the Specifications, or the Client's business (the "Confidential Information"), (ii) make copies of any Confidential Information or any content based on the concepts contained within the Confidential Information for personal use or for distribution unless requested to do so by the NFL, or (iii) use Confidential Information other than solely for the benefit of the President of the United States.
PRESIDENTIAL WARRANTIES. This Executive Order represents and warrants to the NFL the following:
a. Development and delivery of This Executive Order under this Agreement is not in violation of any other agreement that the President has with another party.
b. This Executive Order excludes the civil rights of any other party.
c. For a period of 100 years after the Delivery Date, This Executive Order shall operate according to the Specifications. If This Executive Order malfunctions or in any way does not operate according to the Specifications within the NFL is excluded from and against all lawsuits and costs of every kind pertaining to This Executive Order including reasonable legal fees due to This Executive Order infringement of the civil rights of any third party.
By way of example, in the event any third party sues the US Government in This Executive Order , the complainant will cover all court and legal costs in such an action.

NO MODIFICATION UNLESS IN WRITING. No modification of this Agreement shall be valid unless in writing and agreed upon by both Parties.
APPLICABLE LAW. This Executive Order and the interpretation of its terms shall be governed by and construed in accordance with the laws of the State of Florida and subject to the exclusive jurisdiction of the federal and state courts located in [Palm Beach], [Florida].
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, each of the Parties has executed this Executive order Agreement, both Parties by its duly authorized officer, as of the day and year set forth below
President of the United States
Donald J. Trump
Commander and Chief

addendum: EXHIBIT D shall remain classified, secret and confidential under penalty of law/

click here to accept---> I______I


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Iains
Date: 28 Sep 17 - 04:55 AM

Corbyn has just been voted the third worst PM after don't know!

In a recent poll as to who would make the best Prime Minister:
Theresa May 37%
Don't Know 34%
Corbyn      29%


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Sep 17 - 12:50 PM

Happy birthday Pollyanna, happy birthday to yuooo!
Here this is for you
Oh what is it Pandora?
Its a box
I can't wait to open it.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 29 Sep 17 - 05:14 AM

Women shall be required to bow in a backward position to the President LOL

But Donuel isn't brevity the soul of wit?



At the Stroud Folk Festival the Ale House has an endless variety of beers, and one Cider but one Perry. So I said to the barmaid:

"pour a pint of Pickled Parrot Perry please"

She laughed anyway.

And the perry was rather delectable.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Sep 17 - 08:33 AM

You can't be voted the third worst prime minister when you've never been one. And, increasingly, the joke will be on people like you who treat Corbyn as a joke. It was that attitude that lost May her majority. You Tories never learn. Now tell us something funny.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Sep 17 - 08:59 AM

Mr. Red, the joke was that the executive order was identical to a software contract everyone scrolls to the end to click yes
I should have adjusted font size to unreadably small
another clue, trump is the 45th and final potus.

Conjugate TRUMP : Tripe Tramp Trump


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 30 Sep 17 - 06:29 AM

Yes but..................
I would have constructed a radio button with an agree text - you still have to telegraph the punchline. On-line that is. A shaggy dog story - verbally - is a different animal.

Anyway

There are two sorts of people in this world is even funnier as you read down.

My version is:
There are two sorts of people in this world -
1) Those that divide the people in this world into two sorts, and.....


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Sep 17 - 07:14 AM

I thought there were three kinds of people in this world, those who are good at arithmetic and those who aren't.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Sep 17 - 04:33 PM

Young Donald 'Hellboy' Trump loved his bike, candy and TV. One day in Queens a Puerto Rican boy stole Donald's bicycle. Donald swore revenge against the boy and his whole family. There came a day when that revenge could be served cold to the entire Island of PR. Weeks after Donald had done his worst by doing nothing a young Puerto Rican boy cleverly cut and diverted Donald's WiFi. Without a release of Donald's never ending urge for revenge on Twitter, he exploded, firing his whole family. They say his last words were "Redshwin phantom"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Sep 17 - 04:38 PM

others disagree and say his last words were 'Redskin anthem'.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Sep 17 - 04:40 PM

Any chance of an actual laugh on this thread, anyone? I thought that's what it was for!


A man walks into a greengrocer's shop and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please.

The greengrocer says, sorry sir, it's kilos now.

So the man says, all right then, I'll have five pounds of kilos please.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Sep 17 - 06:44 PM

Sorry Jared but you have been judged to go to hell. As a consolation by a loving God you may pick what ever conveyance you choose to make your long journey to hell. How would you like to go?
I will take a stretch limo full of beautiful women and liquor.
down the road he goes.
Sorry Donald but you have been sentenced to hell but you may choose how you would like to travel there.
I'll take my private jet.
into the sky he flew.
Sorry Steve but you are going to hell. But you may choose how you would like to make your journey to hell.
I would like to take a Wonderful Cruise Ship with never ending banquets and friends playing music that is docked in the middle of Kansas pulled by a hundred snails.
The ship couldn't budge.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Sep 17 - 09:09 PM

Yeah well your dense postings may have some clout in other threads but you are not raising a laugh here. American-style dry cynicism may make a few burnt-out cynics chortle your end but it's just abject here and we wonder why you bother. I'll tell you what: here's a joke or three.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue?'
I said 'No, just a watch.'

The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?
I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: DMcG
Date: 01 Oct 17 - 03:00 AM

I wouldn't call them jokes, but there is an orthopaedic centre near us which is forever putting up posters that raise a smile with me. For example, they had a diagram of a skeleton headed 'PAIN!' in jagged lettering, then labels drawn to various parts of the skeleton labelled 'head', 'knee', 'arm' etc. It is encouraging that they know where the head and knee are, but there is no actual promise to be able to treat anything.

The current one is the statement 'Relieving pain improves your life', which I could hardly take much issue with.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 01 Oct 17 - 05:22 AM

not raising a laugh here

speaking personally, humour is such a personal thing, and I laugh with the person not at them. I'm eclectic that way. When I used to write humorous songs I reckoned that only half the jokes would connect. That is half the people, or half the time - never failed. So I tended to do lots of jokes - that way the re-telling was still funny.

Back on topic

How many ceilidh callers does it take to change a lightbulb ?







Just on more couple .............

And ceilidh dancers?

None. Every time you circle left - it falls out.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Oct 17 - 06:44 AM

Yeah, right. If a joke doesn't "connect," then maybe it isn't much of a joke. To me there isn't much humour in the smirky, dry cynicism we've seen a fair bit of in this thread.


The phone rang so I picked it up and said, "Who's speaking, please?" A voice said, "You are."

I went to the station ticket booth and asked for a return ticket. The man asked me, "Where to?" I said, "Here."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Oct 17 - 06:53 AM

The formulaic go to hell story was a peace offering rather than an ambition to make Steve pee his pants.

Personally I like darker non PC guilty laughs from George Carlin, Mel, Jeff Jefferies, Gahan Wilson or Methandra Kalimothorzi.

Ah if only I could go back to the days when a 'itty bitty witty ditty did it for me'

like Steve.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Oct 17 - 07:34 AM

As long as they're actual laughs and not just fodder for knowing smirkiness. The almost-objective fact is that the jokes I've put here are ten times funnier than any of your obscurantist and rather cynical essays. Life is a vale of tears and so PLEASE may we have just one thread reserved for good old belly-laughs. And one more thing. If I see the word "Trump" in a so-called joke I just know that the thing will be totally bereft of any quality even remotely resembling humour.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Oct 17 - 12:08 PM

same old jokes, same old boobs and Lionel trains.


[stuff intended for kids but Steve plays with them]


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Raggytash
Date: 01 Oct 17 - 03:45 PM

There is a fundimental difference between American humour and UK humour, I was saying to the wifes sister in bed this morning there's too much happiness in the world.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Oct 17 - 04:33 PM

You're a beacon of sanity, Raggytash. Let's save this thread from the wry!


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