BS: First Joke Thread of 2017

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Aug 17 - 10:00 AM

The cry from your heart is troll BS. The jokes that you steal are all like nutritious turds high in fiber. You think they are funny but you are still eating the same ol' shit. Try something delicious for a change, like Jeff Jefferies.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Fossil
Date: 05 Aug 17 - 09:58 PM

The Admiral was visiting one of his ships. When having tea he noticed that every biscuit had the ship's insignia embossed on it. He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.

Cook: "When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven".
Admiral: "That's pretty unhygienic!"
Cook: "In that case sir, I'd suggest you skip the doughnuts!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Aug 17 - 06:15 PM

I wish to speak. Cri de couer if you like. When I read a post in a joke thread I want to laugh. Life is a vale of tears. Please only post genuinely funny things!

So here's a Tommy Cooper one or two.


My wife complained that her feet hurt. I said: "You've got your shoes on the wrong feet." She said: "But these are the only feet I've got."



I went to the doctor. He said "Say 'ahh.'"

I said "Why?"

He said " Because my dog's just died."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Aug 17 - 05:38 PM

in Chicago right off the Magnificent Mile, Trump Tower scrapes the clouds.
They say on a clear day from the top of Trump Tower you can see Russia.
On cloudy days you still see Russians.


(I wrote and used this in Chicago)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Aug 17 - 05:28 AM

A Chinese man ran a takeaway in Soho - next door was a strip club run by a Greek
Every night the strip club owner would come in after he had closed his club and ask for - "a chicken flied lice please"
This angered the Chinese man to the extent that he took a crash course in English and stood for hours in front of the mirror carefully pronouncing "Chicken fried rice - chicken fried rice
One night the Greek came in, and asked, as usual, for "a chicken flied lice please"
The Chinese man carefully responded, "don't you mean chicken fried rice, you Gleek plick?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Aug 17 - 05:28 AM

A Chinese man ran a takeaway in Soho - next door was a strip club run by a Greek
Every night the strip club owner would come in after he had closed his club and ask for - "a chicken flied lice please"
This angered the Chinese man to the extent that he took a crash course in English and stood for hours in front of the mirror carefully pronouncing "Chicken fried rice - chicken fried rice
One night the Greek came in, and asked, as usual, for "a chicken flied lice please"
The Chinese man carefully responded, "don't you mean chicken fried rice, you Gleek plick?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 02 Aug 17 - 02:42 AM

put out a call for actually funny jokes in this thread.

well intellectual jokes you want?

A gladiator went into a bar in downtown Rome. "I'll have a Martinus, barman"
Barman - "Don't you mean a Martini?"
Maximus Glutimus - "If I wanted a double, I would ask for one!".

&

A guy working in a limestone quarry got fed up of being showered in dust so decided to improve himself at university and read Greek literature.
That went "from sub lime to read Aeschylus"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: saulgoldie
Date: 01 Aug 17 - 11:37 AM

Not a joke!

Comedians are aghast that "Mooch" is gone so quickly. They were hoping to be able to milk that one for at least a couple months, during which time, certainly something else would rear its ugly head. Honestly, Trump has no sympathy for struggling comedians, whatsoever!

Saul

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Black belt caterpillar wrestler
Date: 28 Jul 17 - 05:02 PM

I was just driving home past the local tanning parlour and noticed two ladies standing outside smoking.

I thing they have the sunbeds on the wrong setting.

Robin

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 Jul 17 - 01:32 PM

Picard's ego is large.
How large is it?
It's so large, Temba's arms cannot open wide enough...

(ducking and running for cover)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Jul 17 - 10:35 AM

He is so crazy
How crazy is he?
He is so crazy that when Charles Manson hears the latest Trump fiasco Charlie covers his face in his hands and is heard to say "Oh dear Lord."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: saulgoldie
Date: 28 Jul 17 - 10:27 AM

OK, OK, I got it! How bout...

He/she/it so ***.
How *** is he/she/it?
He/she/it so *** that...

Like: It's so cold.
How cold is it?
It's so cold that when you pour the whiskey, it freezes before it hits the glass.
And the logger put on his vest, etc.
(Not so funny; just an example.)


I'll start.
How deep in over his head is Trump?
He's in so deep over his head that if he used the last precious few breaths of air in his oxygen tank to go straight to the surface, he'd get a terminal case of the bends!

So, anyone?

Saul

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 Jul 17 - 07:32 AM

...it drips to her crot-
Chand her face... Lehrer would love that rhyme.

True story:   Saw a guy with a banjo at a winery. I said Oh, I didn't know there was going to be a bonfire!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Jul 17 - 08:51 PM

excuse the edit

There is money to made in a grave
When paternity suits are the rave
They say Dali's a daddy
by a lass not a laddie
But no one taught her to shave

chorus:
Genes decide the paternity
at least they say it outta
Dali's moustache of eternity
looks just like the one on his daughter.

There is money to made in a grave
When paternity suits are the rave
They say Dali's a daddy
by a lass not a laddie
But no one taught her to shave

They say she may be a bit daffy
Her wrist watch is salt water taffy
When it gets hot it drips to her crotch
And her face turns suddenly happy

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Jul 17 - 02:04 PM

There is money to made in a grave
When paternity suits are the rave
They say Dali's a daddy
by a lass not a laddie
She has never been taught how to shave

chorus:
Genes decide a suit of paternity
at least they say it outta
Dali's moustache of eternity
looks just like the one on his daughter.

There is money to made in a grave
When paternity suits are the rave
They say Dali's a daddy
by a lass not a laddie
She has never been taught how to shave

dh

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Jul 17 - 09:52 AM

That was CORN KNEE

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Jul 17 - 06:55 AM

My doctor asked me ''Do you smoke after intercourse''~? I had to answer ''I'm sorry but I never looked''

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 23 Jul 17 - 03:28 AM

A polceeman walking along the street sees a man with his finger up the backside of another who has his trousers down to his ankles.
"'Ello, 'ello, 'ello - what are you two men doing", he says
"My mate's had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him sick"
"You'll never make him sick like that"
"I will when I put this finger in his mouth" came the reply
Same scenario - this time the unconscious man is lying flat on his back and his mate is blowing into his penis
"What do you think you're doing?"
"He's drunk and he passed out and I'm giving him the 'Kiss of life'.
"Shouldn't that be mouth-to-mouth?
"Have you smelt his breath?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Jul 17 - 12:22 AM

I am reminded of the scotswomen who, coming home with their washing, find a drunk passed out in a ditch, his kilt up over his face. One woman looks over and says, At least it's not my husband! Another looks over and says, you're right, he's not your husband! And a third looks over and says, He's not even from our village!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: michaelr
Date: 22 Jul 17 - 08:19 PM

A couple sits watching a program about Conflicting Emotions.

Guy says, "I think that's nonsense. What could you possibly say to me that would make me feel good and bad at the same time?"

Gal looks at him and says, "Compared with all your friends, you have the biggest dick."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Jul 17 - 12:29 PM

"Proud To Be An American" tune parody

If tomorrow all the billionaires I'd worked for all my life,
Owned all the cash and slaves including my children and my wife.
I'd thank President Trump and Putin, who are here to stay
Where the red white and blue stands for Russia and the USA

And I'm proud to be a Russian asset, cause I know who to obey.
And I won't forget, the votes suppressed that brought us this doomsday.
And I'd gladly stand up next to you and defend Donald today.
'Cause there ain't no doubt I love his land, God bless the rich man's way

From the camps in Vladivostok to nuke plants of Tennessee,
Across the crust of Texas, from seas to shining sea,

From Norlands to the North pole and Moscow to LA,
There's pride in all our oligarchs who we won't betray,
So it's time to stand and salute:

I'm proud to be a Russian Asset cause I know who to obey.
And I won't forget the men who tried and took our rights away.
And I'd gladly stand up next to you and defend Putin today.
'Cause there ain't no doubt I love his land! God bless the rich man's way.

And I'm proud to be a Russian Asset, cause I know who to obey.
And I won't forget the men who tried and took our rights away.
And I'd gladly stand up... next to you and defend her still today.
'Cause there ain't no doubt I love his land God bless the rich man's way.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 22 Jul 17 - 03:26 AM

A Japanese man living in London goes into the doctor complaining of flatulence
The doctor says, "flatulence is not really a serious problem and can probably be cured by something you can getr from your local chemist"
The man says, "this is different", bends over and lets out a loud fart - "Honda"
"That is odd", says the doctor, "drop your trousers and bend over".
He examines the man for a few minutes, pokes around and shines a torch up his backside, and finally says, "you have an abscess".
"What difference does that make" says the man
"Well over here we have an old saying; abscess makes the fart go Honda" came the reply
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Jul 17 - 07:56 PM

If they ever invent a humorometer what degrees will it display?
(top to bottom)
You die from not being able to take a breath by laughing too hard
Teary eyed uncontrolled laughter
Screaming laugh
huge smiling laugh
lol
smile only
head nod
meh .....................
grimace
shake head no
get up to leave
angry heckle
vomit
Honor killing of the Comic
A Trump reaction to Impeachment

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Jul 17 - 05:50 PM

What do you call Postman Pat when he's on his holidays?






Pat.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Jul 17 - 03:16 PM

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him "Don't be Sicily."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Jul 17 - 03:05 PM

Always good to hear from Saul. Two Sauls with a glass of Goldie is good for heartburn and insomnia.

It is axiomatic in politics that indignation be canned, cards should race, mirrors should smoke, lies should be bald faced, pens be poison, justice obstructed and the ignored vote.

for an instant post I give this a solid meh. Its your jobe to punch up stuff with potential and steal it. Show me Mel Brooks first draft and I'll show you meh plus.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: saulgoldie
Date: 21 Jul 17 - 12:43 PM

Andrez

Justincase you haven't already discovered this in yer travels...most threads I have ever seen here and elsewhere have a little drift. And not all the posts are always "the best post you ever read" even if it is dead on target. I have found some of the jokes in this year's joke thread funny or not-so-funny, or even "meh." So what? No one died, and no one went to jail.

So my advice, which is usually ignored, despite the great wisdom therein, is to...take a slow breath. Take another one. And another one, still. Real sloooow; real loooong. Andif you find the "funny content" in this thread is too low, then...howabout go listen to or play a song!

Saul

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Jul 17 - 09:27 AM

I say keep the elephant out of the room.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Andrez
Date: 21 Jul 17 - 08:59 AM

Further to the above, m'lud:

"It is axiomatic in government that hornets' nests should be left unstirred, cans of worms should remain unopened, and cats should be left firmly in bags and not set among the pigeons. Ministers should also leave boats unrocked, nettles ungrasped, refrain from taking bulls by the horns, and resolutely turn their backs to the music."

Wot say you?

Cheers,

Andez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Jul 17 - 06:28 AM

While Investigations continue into the first joke thread, legal council has determined everyone is entitled to a full pardon for a   modest fee.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Andrez
Date: 21 Jul 17 - 01:06 AM

If people want to go for the jugular please just go buy a copy of any publication from the Murdoch press and enjoy the reading otherwise please just have some fun with words, ideas and jokes in this thread.

No need for special koalafications to do so, they are all irrelephant here, wit and humour are the only prerequisites along with the understanding that you can please some of the people some of the time but you can't ...........

Not too sure where I came across this one but its always been a favourite of mine too in so many ways:

"Due to the high cost of energy the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off".

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Jul 17 - 06:57 PM

Poles??

I met a man at the Olympic park who was carrying a long stick.

I asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

"No," he replied, "I'm German. But how did you know my name was Walter?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Jul 17 - 01:28 PM

Pay back, Retribution and Revenge - is this the premise of your high quality jokes of yesteryear?

For the English to make fun of your Irishmen and Australian is jolly good fun but it does little for Americans.

Don't let your jokes be a guilty pleasure, go for the jugular.
Joke about your Muslim Gays and Poles.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Andrez
Date: 20 Jul 17 - 09:09 AM

You heard my cri de couer right Steve. Your follow on joke gives a whole new meaning to the word car-go-hydrate.....   So heres a couple o quickies as payback. Sorry if you've heard 'em before ;-)
.......

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".

The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"
...............

The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch. However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.

Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".

A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine: " Australia will win the Rugby World Cup"

"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"!

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Jul 17 - 08:12 AM

Very soon I shall be sojourning in the Andarax valley in Andalucía. Ahhhh!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Jul 17 - 08:12 AM

Take heart Andrez there will be no more pictureless cartoon captions, American pop song jokes, skit humor or 'Which hunt' jokes from my occasional brain farts. The last thing we need is a fist fight on a joke thread although that too is funny. If Steve Shaw doesn't get a joke, or if the laughometer falls below 5 the attempted criminal joke should be expunged. Mods are well practiced at this.

I will get back to reading World History by Donald Trump, who has made America into the biggest joke in the world.

You may have your world of classical kid jokes, dick jokes, wife jokes and fuck jokes for eternity. Its true current events have no longevity.

I assure you, all will be well again my son.
Go in piss.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Ernest
Date: 20 Jul 17 - 04:15 AM

or - even worse - Andrax....

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: BobL
Date: 20 Jul 17 - 03:31 AM

At least it didn't come out as Andrex...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Jul 17 - 08:39 PM

Sorry, that was meant to be Andrez! 😳

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Jul 17 - 08:36 PM

I take your post as a cri de couer, Andre. Much of the input to this thread perplexes me in a most unfunny way. By way of retribution, here's an old one, one of Tommy Cooper's best:

My wife rang me last night.

She said, "I think there's water in the carburettor."

I said, "Where's the car?"

She said, "In the river..."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Andrez
Date: 19 Jul 17 - 07:51 PM

Three months ago I put out a call for actually funny jokes in this thread. Seems like nothing has improved just the same smutty, unfunny meaningless drivel and a great loss to the brilliance of contributions to this joke thread in past years. On current form there doesn't seem like anything to encourage new readers or contributions. Sigh!

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 19 Jul 17 - 05:36 PM

A cat is snoozing on a bar, and a couple of Mexicans are boasting about how macho they are. One of them says "My cock is longer than that cat's tail." At length, so to speak, the bartender is persuaded to find a ruler & measure the cat's tail while the customer drops his pants. He then proceeds to the customer, who protests: "Just one moment. Where did you measure the cat's tail *from*?" "From the asshole." "Kindly do me the same favor."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Jul 17 - 11:59 AM

A few of my favorite songs:

I Want a Man with a Small Hand; Wake Me Up in Mar-a-Lago; Tweet, Tweet Tweedle le Tweet Rockin Donald, I'm so Indicted!; Putin on a Blitz; Ain't No Sunshine When I'm Gone; Elderly golf carts, We Warm the World; Secretary of Edukashun; Tronald Dump and Clillary Hinton; Deleter of the Fact; Fired is the Hardest Word; The Brain-Mouth Connection; Trump Acres; Hello, Is It Pee You're Looking For? Miss you niverse. ; Faking stuff is hard to do.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jul 17 - 02:02 PM

More captions;

Here is our real Bastille prison cell please go in and look around
SLAM

This list is endless, you don't need a hitman you need an Army
I got one, actually I got two.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 17 Jul 17 - 10:02 AM

A group of farmers in a taverna in a small town on the Mexican border were discussing the exploits of the notorious outlaw, 'Pedro the Bandit'
After a while, one of them turned to a stranger sitting quietly in the corner and said, "Have you heard of Pedro the Bandit stranger?"
"Have I heard of Pedro the Bandit, he replied, "only last week I was riding in the mountains when a man clothed head to foot in black jumped out from behind a rock, pointed a gun and said "put up your hands" - I had no gun so what could I do; I put up my hands".
Then he said "hand over all your money" - I had no gun so I handed over my money.
Then he said, "drop your trousers" - what could I do, I dropped my trousers
He said, "shit" - he didn't have to tell me twice, I shit.
"Now", he said, "eat it" - I feared for my life sir so I ate it.
Then for a second the man looked the other way, so I grabbed his gun, pointed it at him and said "put up your hands".
I had a gun, he had none, so he put up his hands
"Hand over all your money", I said - he could not resist - he handed over all his money.
"Now" said, Drop your trousers" he didn't hesitate, he dropped his trousers
Then I told him, "shit" - he was half-way there already - he shat
"Now" I told him "eat it" - you'd think he hadn't eaten for a weak - he ate it all up.
"Have I heard of Pedro the Bandit - didn't I just have lunch with him only last week?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jul 17 - 09:11 AM

there is nothing more painful than a huge expanding probe.

the taint on Robert Mueller has grown to a full 10 inches.

why we haven't heard from Donald Jr. is a long fake snooze.

It takes a lawyer: "There is nothing wrong with high treason in a broken political system that needs to be drained, suctioned and vetted by Secret Service in perfectly normal oppositional research meetings."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jul 17 - 07:58 AM

ignore one law ignore them all

Who knew high treason is a big deal?

"I do not recall anything I knew"
- actual quote from witness in Trump Investigation

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Jul 17 - 07:27 AM

Reminds me of one of the oldest of the lot:

"What's you opinion of sex on the television?"

"Bloody uncomfortable, actually..."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Jul 17 - 06:57 AM

It was one of those days. I saw my wife bent over the freezer with a juicy bit of leg showing above her stockings, when that feeling came and I grabbed her. Made wonderfully passionate love to her from the back........ I am never going to do it again though!!!!!! It wasn't a nice position over the freezer... and besides... we're not allowed back into that supermarket again!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 17 Jul 17 - 06:03 AM

A teacher walks into class and finds a turd in the middle of the floor in the front of the class
Horrified, he hurriedly wipes it up and gets on with the lesson
The following two days he finds similar "messages" left on the floor
Then, on the fourth day, when he finds yet another, he says, "I'm going to draw the blinds and turn the lights out when I turn them on again, if the culprit hasn't written an apology on the blackboard I will keep the entire class in for the period of a whole month".
He does so, and when he turns the light on, he sees a steaming turd in the middle of the floor and a message scrawled on the blackboard, "The phantom arsehole strikes again"
Jim Carroll