BS: First Joke Thread of 2017

Subject: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 31 Dec 16 - 07:01 AM

well it is 2017 somewhere in the Pacific Soooooooooo........

Would those in favour of glove puppets, please put their hands up

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 31 Dec 16 - 09:10 AM

All who believe in telekinesis, raise Mr. Red's hand!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 31 Dec 16 - 09:15 AM

how can I reply to that when m y hnaddd keepssss risingggg???

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Feb 17 - 05:05 PM

I hear the wall is only going to cost half as much now that the Mexicans are shitting bricks...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: gillymor
Date: 02 Feb 17 - 06:21 PM

What is the name of the presidential plane?

Hair Farce One

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: HuwG
Date: 01 Mar 17 - 01:21 PM

I'm amazed that nobody has posted this one yet.

In all the thrillers starring e.g. Bruce Willis, Clint Eastwood etc, somebody pulls out a gun, knife or bomb near the President of the United States. The Secret Service people all shout "Get down, Mr. President!"

Now they'll shout "Donald! Duck!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: keberoxu
Date: 01 Mar 17 - 05:59 PM

You had to echo Reagan to his wife Nancy: "Honey, I forgot to duck..."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: gillymor
Date: 01 Mar 17 - 06:48 PM

Every time my wife sneezes, she has an orgasm. When I asked her what she takes for it, she said "black pepper"!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Mar 17 - 09:32 PM

The ACA repeal bill is being held in an undisclosed basement AP
I bet Price Waterhouse is in charge of security

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 Mar 17 - 10:51 AM

The dehydrated runner came in 3st.

Also:

Dijon vu: the feeling that you've had that mustard before.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Mar 17 - 10:17 AM

Déjà fu: the feeling that you've had the shit kicked out of you before...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 29 Mar 17 - 10:22 AM

I thought you said that last year!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 29 Mar 17 - 10:40 AM

Not entirely happy with this, but I'm sure Gershon Legman would have appreciated it

Three friends drinking in a pub start talking about how they were going to be in trouble with their wives when they get home late
They finally decide that when they got home they will obey every request their spouses' make to the letter, without question - they agree to meet the following night to swap experiences
As arranged, they met up the following night; two of them cut and scratched and the third totally untouched.
"What happened to you two?" the unscathed one asked.
"Well", said the first, "I got home, rather the worse for wear, as you know, knocked the bin over and broke the milk bottles on the step - my wife shouted down from the bedroom, "That's right, wake all the neighbors" - so I did".
The second one said, "something similar happened to me".
I decided to make myself a cup of tea and dropped the cup and saucer on the floor".
My wife shouted down, "Why don't you smash all the crockery while you're at it? - so I did - this is the result".
They sat in silence for a few minutes and one of the war wounded asked, "You seem to have come out unscathed, Tommy - what happened to you?"
"Well lads", he said, "I got home and found I was feeling very randy, so I got into bed, tapped my wife on the shoulder and said, "how about it?"
She said, "You can cut that out for a start - (opening his hand) - ever seen one of these up close before?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Apr 17 - 05:33 PM

We can save time and space by writing only the punchlines of disgusting tasteless jokes:
examples-
Ever seen this before.
Donald, duck
Rectum damn near killed em
Two shots and a splash
Got any grapes
The Aristocrats!
1 scoop of ice cream and 2 scoops of Donald.
They both disappear after a hot shower.
A pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven!
Now wash your hands and make me a cheese sandwich!
His hands makes his d–k look bigger!
Hit a banjo player in the face with a frying pan.
Hide his food stamps under his work boots.
The one that's alive at the bottom trying to eat its way out.
Nothing!
They fell for that trick once already!
None, the beer should be open when SHE brings it!
Pretty big word for a 12-year-old.
Not being retarded
Because the look on its face is priceless!
One walked on the moon, and the other raped little boys!
Your bike.
Dress her up like an altar boy.
Cancer!
Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will never be able to support you.
A pilot, you racist f–k!
Santa goes down the chimney.
It allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
A Doberman in a playground.
1. A "Thank You" card from the welfare system of her state. 2. A $200 check from "Crimestoppers".
Because I'm stronger than you.
Depends how hard you throw them.
Maggots!
All the ones who can run, jump or swim have already crossed the border
A frog in a blender.
They only had 2 trucks.
A model eating a cornflake.
Sarah Palin gets nailed EVERY DAY
Brake her fingers so she can't tell anyone.
Wonder what the car was doing in the kitchen
Can you put me up for the night?
"Out of what?"
You would too if your name was Frggndorffngg
Take your foot off his head!
He breaks his nose.
They don't f–king listen!
AIDS&Ebola
I guess we don't watch the same movies.
Nail one of its hands to the floor.
"Get off me, Daddy! You're crushing my Marlboros."
The lottery!
(Spread arms and look mopey) This much.
The dishes, if she knows what's good for you
Getting the blood off your clown suit.
He's too proud to pick the cotton out of the bottle.
Ice cweem!
The grip!
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
Give them a basketball.
You can't unload the bowling balls with a pitchfork.
Depends on how hard you throw them.
Hearing the ribs crack under the pressure.
She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
God gave him his gas bill.
He had to sit in the back of the gas chamber.
An erection!
Connect the Dots.
roll in flour
Crib death.
Lifts donkey balls and says "see the clock
Because they couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.
A dead puppy.
Someone too lazy to steal Billions
How could anyone stoop so low?
The coffee tastes like Mountain Dew
black pepper

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 02 Apr 17 - 06:02 PM

That's like the one about the prison in which the prisoners are not allowed to talk at mealtime, so they make up a list of jokes so instead of telling them they can just yell out the number without identifying themselves. One day someone yells out a number and nobody laughs. His cellmate explains later that it was because he didn't tell it right.

That led us, in a lab I once worked in, to number the jokes we told each other, with a brief description (not necessarily the punch line). I still have the list. Here are the first ten:

1. The team of Tom and Louise
2. Doctor, what shall I do with...
3. See that man over there? I have...
4. I can predict confidently...
5. Life presents...
6. It's a long way to...
7. Last year I had one glaring fault.
8. When my doctor treats you for kidney trouble...
9. ...It makes you deaf.
10. I think I'm coming down with something....

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: BobL
Date: 03 Apr 17 - 03:18 AM

The new inmate tries again, yells out a large number and every falls about laughing. Says, "Did better that time". Cellmate replies, "Yes, we haven't heard that one before."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Apr 17 - 11:01 AM

I was trying to tell the joke whose punchline was Fuck your canoes! and the person to whom I was telling it interrupted with Make a drumhead out of *that*, assholes! and I about died laughing... ok, anecdote, not joke.

Two women walk into a bar and discuss the Bechdel test...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Apr 17 - 12:23 PM

http://www.motherjones.com/files/blitt.car-final.gif

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 03 Apr 17 - 04:34 PM

11. The shortest distance between to pints...
12. J. Schwartz, New York
13. It's a meshuggeneh herring.
14. So I lied.
15. That's just to make it harder.
16. St Francis of Asissi?
17. Doctor, you must learn not to...
18. Air yew a Jyew? Waal, air yew?
19. Mr Mitesky, you forgot your package.
20. Uncle Max tells us that soon...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Apr 17 - 06:36 PM

Then again, I've always known the punchline (I think) Funny, you don't *look* Jewish, but I don't know the joke.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 03 Apr 17 - 07:05 PM

Heisenberg was stopped by the police.
Mr Plod says "Sir", cos British police are polite like that, "Did you realise you were doing exactly 78 miles per hour"?
To which Heisenberg replied "Thanks a bunch officer, now I don't know where I am"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: daithi
Date: 04 Apr 17 - 07:24 AM

Mrrzy - the version I've heard goes like this:

A catholic priest gets into a railway carriage in New York, and is sitting opposite a little old Jewish lady.
She leans over and asks "Are you Jewish?"
Wearing a typical priest's garb, he's a bit surprised, but nods politely and says "no, Madam, I'm not Jewish".
A little later she asks again, and he replies the same.
After the tenth time , he's a little frustrated when she says again "Are you sure you're not Jewish?"
He shouts out "OK - I'm Jewish!!".
She looks at him for a minute then says in a quiet voice. "hmm...Funny, you don't look Jewish".

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 Apr 17 - 08:58 AM

Thanks. That sounds right.

OK, here's one my dad used to tell as a litmus test that everybody except one single peace corps volunteer, long dead now of AIDS, flunked.

An eagle was flying high in the sky when it met a soul. Ah, eagle, said the soul, by way of greeting. The eagle, being a discreet bird, said nothing.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: JMB
Date: 04 Apr 17 - 10:50 AM

Here's one from Newfoundland. (No, I'm not a Newfie).

A man was working at a construction site and was up on a ladder. He drops his screwdriver. He climbs down to get it and there is a little boy standing there. He says: "You know, my Daddy wouldn't have to climb down to get that screwdriver. Do you want to know why?" The man says: "Why?" The little boy says "My Daddy would have two screwdrivers." The man tells the kid not to bother him. He's up on the ladder and drops his pliers. He climbs down and the little boy says that his Daddy wouldn't have to climb down, because he would have two screwdrivers. The man tells him to not to bother him. It was close to lunch time and the man had to use the lavatory. He goes behind the bush and when he comes out, he sees the little boy standing there. He says: "I suppose your Daddy's got two of these as well." The little boy replies: "No, but he's got one twice as big."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: JMB
Date: 04 Apr 17 - 11:03 AM

Note to the optimist and the pessimist: While you two were arguing about whether the glass was half full or half empty, I drank it. Signed, the opportunist.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 04 Apr 17 - 11:06 AM

An elderly man was taking one of those long, interminable train journeys across central Russia early in the twentieth century – the train stopped at a dusty one-street town in the arsehole of nowhere and the conductor announced there would be a five-hour delay.
The man walked the single street several times until he had seen everything there was to see, when he spotted a little shop with watches hanging in the window, so he decided to go in and get his own watch cleaned.
He went in to find a wizened old man sitting behind the counter; "could you clean my watch sir?" he asked
"I don't do watches", said the old man, "I'm a mohel"
"Then why do you have watches hanging up in your window?" asked the man.
"What should I have hanging up in the window?" came the response.
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Bill D
Date: 04 Apr 17 - 02:02 PM

Donuel's list missed a few:

"Thursday's your day in the barrel"

"The whole shovelful, Miss Kitty"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 04 Apr 17 - 06:00 PM

21. What a way to spend Easter!
22. A disgusting young man named McGill
23. Give your girl a fabulous Gruen...
24. ...Look at these gas bills.
25. Can't you do anything right?
26. Between your legs...
27. May the President play thru?...
28. I had a little accident.
29. Dammit, they keep slipping in...
30. Go out in the rain and...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Apr 17 - 06:15 PM

Let's stick to telling jokes, chaps and chapesses. This thread is getting to be the bloody opposite of a good laugh, and, Jaysus, do we need one!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Apr 17 - 10:44 PM

Yah Vold Capitan, I know nothing, noo thing.

"whats the good news?"

"your 24 hours started yesterday"

"mortality is a pre-existing condition".

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Apr 17 - 11:06 PM

FOX news has spent 32 million dollars for 2 old white guys to sexually misbehave. Jeesh, I've been behaving sexually for free.

Roger Ailes became a Trump surrogate
Bill O'Reilly still makes 18 million/yr
I did not know sexual harassment pays so well.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Apr 17 - 07:33 AM

Put on your best German accent for the punchline.


Met a bloke at the Olympics carrying a big long stick.

"Are you a pole vaulter?" I asked him.

"No, I'm German," he replied, "but how did you know my name was Walter?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Andrez
Date: 05 Apr 17 - 08:14 AM

I agree with Steve lets be done with Alt humour and just have a good laugh at some funny jokes!

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Apr 17 - 01:04 PM

The Early Art of Diversion:

Donald did you all those cookies?

MMph, mouth full, "Brother gwabbed my private parts"

NO I DID'T He j...

WHAT ! Freddy go to your suite without dinner. Are you all right Donnie?

"mmph"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Apr 17 - 01:18 PM

edit

Donald, did you eat all those cookies for the party?
"mmph" (mouth full of cookies), I believe Brother gwabbed my private parts."
NO I DIDN'T He j...
WHAT!! Freddy go to your suite without dinner!
Are you alright Donnie dear?
"mmph."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Seamus Kennedy
Date: 05 Apr 17 - 10:09 PM

A German visiting Poland for the first time. Polish border guard asks "Name, please." "Gunther Schmidt", says the German.
"And where do you live?"   "Berlin."
"Occupation?"   "Oh God no! Just a vacation."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 06 Apr 17 - 12:09 PM

German industrialist in a bar sstands up to walk ot and falls flat on his face
The barman looks up and says "Schindler's pissed"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 Apr 17 - 06:02 PM

A prospective immigrant to Australia was asked, "Have you ever been arrested?" He raised his eyebrows & replied, "I didn't realize that was still a requirement."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Apr 17 - 06:24 PM

Went to one of Humph's jazz concerts in Exeter, just six weeks before he died, though he was hale and hearty that evening. He told a joke that he said he'd got from Barry Cryer:

"Have you ever shoed a horse?"

"No, but I once told a pig to piss off."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Apr 17 - 07:41 PM

Knew a bloke whose willy was exactly twelve inches long, but he didn't use it as a rule.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Apr 17 - 09:05 PM

A bodhran owner, sick of all the drummer jokes, decides to change his instrument. After some thought, he decides on the accordion. So he goes to the music store and says to the owner "I'd like to look at the accordions, please."

The owner gestures to a shelf in the corner and says "All our accordions are over there."

After a little while, the bodhran man says "I think I'd like the big red one in the corner."

The store owner looks at him and says "You're a bodhran owner, aren't you?"

The bodhran man, crestfallen, says, "How did you know?"

The store owner says "That big red one is the radiator."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 Apr 17 - 06:27 PM

When my father was in the Navy, ca. 1920, he was an engineer & spent most of his time in shipyards. However, it seems that they did put him on a ship one time, and while he was being sick, a real sailor came up behind him and said "If you feel something hairy & round come up, swallow it down quick, because that'll be your asshole."

I have often thought that that has the makings of a song in it, tho I haven't gotten around to it. The chorus would be

    Roll, pitch, yaw,
    Surge, sway, heave!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Apr 17 - 06:52 PM

A tenuous link with that joke, Joe, but it reminded me of one from many years ago, when Jimmy Hill, Gawd bless 'im, was the main football man on British telly.

Little boy says to his teacher, "Miss, does that Jimmy Hill on telly spend a lot of time on board ships?"

"That's a funny question," says the teacher, "Why do you ask?"

Well, Miss, every time Jimmy Hill comes on telly my Dad shouts at him, 'Jimmy Hill, you anchor!'"
.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: JMB
Date: 07 Apr 17 - 07:09 PM

A Sunday School teacher was quizzing her class. She asked them who created the universe. Mary was akeep so Johnny poked her in the back with a pin. She woke up and cried God Almighty. The teacher said That is correct Mary. She asked who God's son was who died on the cross and rose three days later. Mary was asleep again and Johnny poked her in the back and she cries Jesus Christ. The teacher says right again Mary. She asks what did Eve say to Adam after their twenty seventh child. (Or how many kids they had, can't remember the number). Mary is asleep again and Johnny pokes her in the back and she cries If you stick that thing in me again I'm going to break it in two.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Apr 17 - 05:37 PM

The grade school Republican Golf Club was invited to Mara Lago and were told to write a question on a card for the President. Richard's card was on top. The President read it and started mumbling.
It said "Your fans would like to know what urine 2 besides golf"
He read the second card 'Do you use a long or short putter?'
Tight lipped he read the next "How close do you get to the hole without it going in?"
Donald turns to the chaperone and yells WHAT DO YOU TEACH THESE KIDS and stormed out.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Apr 17 - 09:43 AM

An honest man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy road. Suddenly, the light turned amber just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crossing, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the crossroads.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and honked the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the crossroads.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious policeman. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger-printed, and photographed, and then placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the charge desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, annoying the man in front of you and swearing loudly at him. I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the rear screen.
Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 09 Apr 17 - 11:04 AM

Just been to an Alan Barnes gig- his announcement jokes are as always worth the admission price.
"We#'re going to play a Latin number next. I always think to play one of those you need at least one Brazilian in the band. I'm not going to say which of us has it..."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 09 Apr 17 - 06:32 PM

One of my old chestnuts but I don't care.

Little boy goes into the frozen food shop. He says to the man, "My mum says can I have a packet of Birdseyes pissoles please, mister."

The man frowns, then smiles. "Ahah, little boy, I think I know what you want, but it's an R, not a P!"

"OK," says the little boy, "can I have a packet of Birdseyes arseholes then please, mister."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 09 Apr 17 - 06:49 PM

Before I play a ukulele medley I say "I normally don't like a lot of talking before anyone plays but I have one question; "Who here likes ukulele music?" - no matter what anyone says, I say - "That's too bad".

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Apr 17 - 09:02 AM

* Thank you Victor Borga

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Apr 17 - 09:57 AM

Speaking of dead comics, Why did no one make tribute to or mention of the ultimate snub by Don Rickles by dying. Are we so PC as to not honor the man who kept his finger on the third rail for over 60 years.
He was known as Mr. warmth who led with making fun of the ugly truth yet he never discriminated. Everyone really wanted to be insulted by Don.

Think about how similar Donald Trump is to Don Rickles, but without the warmth. They are both the Merchant of Venom.

Perhaps dead was the average age of Don's fans but if you ever saw him you know you laughed.

Just incase you are a PC snob, ironically you are so because of Don.

So here is to the real life Mr. Potato Head, Don Rickles, a Kelly hero and a man who made life more fun.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: gillymor
Date: 10 Apr 17 - 10:44 AM

Don, I've known a lot of people who didn't think Rickles was particularly funny, myself included, even before PC became part of the modern lexicon so give the scolding act a rest will ya.
Now, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, THAT'S an insult comic.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: HuwG
Date: 19 Apr 17 - 09:26 AM

This will sadden anyone who appreciates the '60s...

I recently cleared out a lot of Dusty Springfield memorabilia.

Now I don't know what to do with my shelf.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 19 Apr 17 - 09:56 AM

My nephew was on the insult dog show!   But back to jokes.

Q: What do you called a doped-up Pikachu?
A: Tokemon!

(it's about to be 4/20 in the US...)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Apr 17 - 09:33 PM

Creative Justice;

Bill O'Reilly was offered his job back under the condition he acquiesce and be harassed into consummating a sexual liaison with Bertha the 279 lb Fox set furniture mover, with all the female FOX employees watching on closed circuit TV.

He took the golden parachute.




Remember There outta be a law?
How about There outta be Justice?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 Apr 17 - 11:39 PM

OK, the contest was, pick any 2 real or fictional people, and say something about their putative offspring, gender of famous people irrelevant.

My favorite musical one was, the child of Paul Ryan [Obamacare would-be relealer] and Johnny Cash would take away your health care, just to watch you die.

My totally favorite one was, and if you didn't watch the tv show you won't get it, the child of Dick van Dyke and Timothy Leary would always be tripping on the ottoman.

The rest are here, for your amusement.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 01 May 17 - 03:10 AM

Thre domestic science teacher asked the class to bring in something medical for the next lesson.
Little Mary brought in a first aid kit - the teacher said, "that's excellent Mary, just what we wanted"
Tommy brought in a little box containing a selection of things they used to remove splinters - tweezers, a needle, a bottle of TCP, some cotton- wool"
"Excellent, Tommy".
Suddenly, the door burst open and in walked the tearaway of the class wheeling an iron lung.
The teacher and the class where astounded.
"Where on earth did you get that?" asked the teacher
"It's my father's", came the reply.
Didn't he say anything when you took it?", asked the teacher
"Yes sir - aaaaaagggggghhhhhhgg!!"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 01 May 17 - 04:01 AM

Queen Victoria is being conducted around a military hospital on a morale-boosting execrcise during the Crimean War
She arrives at the first bed and asks, "what are you being treated for soldier?"
"Syphilis, ma-am", came the reply.
Unfazed, she asked, "and what treatment are you receiving?"
"The wire brush, ma-am" came the reply.
"and what's your ambition?" she asked.
"To get cured, get back to the war and do my bit for Queen and country, your majesty"
"Very commendable", she said, and moved on.
At the next stop - the same proceedure.
"What are you being treated for?"
"Piles ma-am"
"And what treatment are you receiving?"
"The wire brush ma-am"
"And what's your ambition?"
"To get cured, get back to the war and do my bit for Queen and country, your majesty"
"Very commendable"
Next bed
"What are you being treated for?"
"Pyorrhea of the gums ma-am"
"And what treatment are you receiving?"
"The wire brush ma-am"
"And what's your ambition?"
"To get ttreated before those other two dirty bastards ma-am", came the reply
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 May 17 - 12:10 AM

Darling, my gynecologist says I can't have sex for a week!

-What did your dentist say?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 May 17 - 10:33 AM

... and your proctologist?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 05 May 17 - 07:21 PM

A Young Australian man takes a job as a shearer on a remote station in the Outback
After a few weeks he was doing fine except he was beginning to miss female company, so he mentioned it to his mates one morning
"What do you do for women around here?"
"Not much you can do mate; if you get really desperate, try the sheep".
He ignores the advice, and decides to knuckle down to the job, until after another few weeks he's beginning to climb the walls.
He says, "You don't really do it with the sheep' do you?"
Course we do mate, how do you think we survive?"
"But don't people laugh at you".
"Nah mate", it's a problem we all have".
So he asks his neighbour how he goes about it.
"Well, you climb into the pen, pick the one you fancy and get on with it".
"And nobody laughs?"
"We told you, we all do it mate".
So he does as advised, grabs a sheep and starts to relieve the pressure.
When he's finished, he turns around and all his mates are rolling about pointing and laughing at him.
"but you told me you all did it", he says.
"Yeah, we do, but did you have to pick the ugliest one?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 May 17 - 08:49 PM

In the good old days, the _Vulgarian Digest_ made up a letters column, which contained the following exchange:

Dear Appie: Is it best to approach a sheep from behind, or to roll it over and lay on top?
Deprived

Dear Depraved: Is the sheep male or female? And for that matter, are you male or female?

*

An Australian sailor, in a red-light district for the first time, met a lady who met his advances more than half way. She took him up to her room, and then ducked into the bathroom to powder her nose. When she came out, she found that he had piled all the furniture in one corner. When she expressed surprise, he explained: "I'm from outback, and I don't know much about women, but if it's anything like kangaroos we'll need all the room we can get."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 May 17 - 06:00 PM

"I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning."
"Thank you, sir!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 08 May 17 - 06:55 AM

Ernie was admitted to his care home many years ago. He had for those many years talked about his sexual desires not being met or encouraged and most people thought it to be a joke. He was a very pleasant mannered man and very easy going. Always sympathetic towards the staff and helpful when he could be with the residents. He was an eighty nine year old, still talking about his lack of sexual activity, when his ninetieth Birthday came along. The staff got together to try to arrange something they thought he would really appreciate. One ingenious member of staff suggested that they hire a 'strippogram' lady, to give him a thrill on his big day and this quickly became an established idea. The Senior, contacted a lady who advertised locally and the scene was set. On his big day, Ernie was conveniently sat at a table, across from the main door to the dining room, where his party was being held. As his Birthday cake was being brought around and the wine and sherry distributed, the music started and Ernie looked up to see where it was coming from, only to see a scantily clad woman crossing the floor towards him. She moved quickly to where Ernie was sat and pranced sexily round him, for a few minutes, until the music stopped. She looked him straight in the eyes and he very loudly asked ''What do you want''?..... She smiled a broad sexy smile and replied ''I've come to give you Supersexxxxxxxxx''!!!!. He paused for a few seconds then replied '' I think I'll have the soup''.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 16 May 17 - 08:11 AM

The thing about communism jokes is that everybody gets them.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 16 May 17 - 09:08 AM

AP: according to 172 witnesses President Trump shot a man in the middle of 5th Ave. The man was charged with obstruction of bullet and impeding traffic. President Trump tweeted "I did not shoot that man, it is a fake shooting, I was only checking to see if my gun was loaded."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 16 May 17 - 09:06 PM

"Waiter, come here and taste this soup."
"Where's the spoon?"
"A-HA!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 16 May 17 - 10:42 PM

Joe_F, now, that was a fun movie.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 17 May 17 - 06:03 PM

Mrrzy: I didn't realize it was from a movie. Marx Brothers, at a guess.

Two old Jews sit down in a deli. One orders a glass of tea. The other says, "I'll have a glass of tea too, and make sure the glass is clean." So the waiter comes back with two glasses of tea & asks, "Which one wanted the clean glass?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Norval
Date: 17 May 17 - 10:03 PM

Man walks into the barbershop, sits down in the chair and the barber asks,
"How do you want your haircut?"
The man says, " I would like the sideburns one high and one low, a few long
hairs sticking out of the back and a few chunks on the side and top."
The barber looks puzzled and says, "I'm not sure I can do that."
The customer says, "Why not, you did it that way last time."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 18 May 17 - 01:49 PM

Mr. Spicer, President Trump is angry over which hunt?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 18 May 17 - 01:58 PM

Spicer: Yes he is.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 18 May 17 - 02:02 PM

Reporter: What?

Spicer: Second base

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 May 17 - 08:28 PM

Shamelessly nicked from today's Guardian, and Lenny Bruce for that matter.

The Lone Ranger and his faithful sidekick Tonto are surrounded by Injuns and facing certain death.

The Lone Ranger says, "This time, old friend, it looks like we're finished."

Tonto replies, "What's with the 'we,' white man?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 18 May 17 - 09:06 PM

(Trump under oath)
Mueller: President Trump, was there collusion with Russia?

Donald: There was no co-illusion

Mueller: what was that?

There was no conclusion
:again please
There was no coal fusion
:could you speak into the mike?
There was no coal lit Shaun
:Please, was there collusion yes or no?
There was no collision
:I will ask you one last time!
There was um, confusion with Russia

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 May 17 - 06:33 AM

I've just been reading about crime in multi-storey car parks. It seems wrong on so many different levels.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 23 May 17 - 08:02 AM

Man goes to get his hair done and the barber asks how he wants it cut.
"In silence" cam the reply.

reputedly said by Enoch Powell (controversial UK politician of the 60s-80s)

also documented as a Roman joke.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jun 17 - 09:55 AM

Not a joke exactly, but in keeping with the spirit. Handed over my loyalty card at Morrisons this morning and the checkout machine churned out a voucher for a "free regular hot drink* from your Café."


*not valid online


'Ave a word, Dave!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jun 17 - 05:43 PM

Q. How do you turn a duck into a country singer?

A. Put it in the microwave until its bill withers.




I'll get me coat...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 02 Jun 17 - 08:57 PM

A Jew was sitting on a bus, and he noticed that the black man next to him was reading a Yiddish newspaper. Eventually he could not contain his curiosity, and he said, "Excuse me, sir, I know it's none of my business, but are you actually Jewish?"

"This I need too?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 03 Jun 17 - 09:06 AM

In the run up to WW2, the Pope and Stalin held a secret meeting on Lake Galilee to discuss the threat of fascism looming over the world
They sat with their representatives in a small boat in the middle of the lake and debated furiously until the Pope decided he wanted a pee, so he climbed out of the boat, walked across the surface of the lake and relieved himself under the nearest tree.
Determined not to be outdone, shortly afterwards Stalin followed suit, clambered over the side of the boat and sank like a stone and was quickly hauled to safety.
A couple of hours later the Pope was taken short again and repeats his performance - shortly after, Stalin, tries to emulate his performance and has to be hauled out again.
The third time this happened the Pope says, "for ***** sake, show him where the stepping stones are before he drowns himself"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 03 Jun 17 - 01:16 PM

A young lad is on a cruise with his parents when the ship runs into a mighty storm and goes down
He clings to a piece of wreckage and eventually finds himself washed ashore on an idyllic island - the sole survivor.
He finds there is plenty of fruit to be had and a ready supply of spring water, fo me manages to build himself a shelter of sorts and take care of himself.
No-one comes to rescue him and he is there for years, growing into a fit and healthy young man
As he matures, he begins to be aware of his body, particularly his penis, which has him completely puzzled because of all it's apparently uncontrollable idiosyncrasies
He begins to explore all its possibilities and finds that as he sits on the shore and allows it to dangle down, if he tenses his muscles he can flick the pebbles with it.
He practices and practices - first a few inches, then a foot, then two foot, then a yard.... until he discovers he can sit a fair distance and flick them into the sea.
One day he is totally engrossed in his game when he looks up to find a beautiful, scantily-clad young woman, another survivor of another shipwreck watching him curiously.
"What are you doing?" she asks.
He explains at length (so to speak) telling her how he has increased his ability over the years.
"That's an awful waste", she says, let me show you what to do with it - and she throws of what clothes she had on, sits down beside him and begins to work on him until they both fall onto the sand and make passionate love.
"There", she gasps, "when they've finished, "what do you think about that?"
"Very interesting", he replies, "but I suppose you know you've totally ruined my flicker".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: gillymor
Date: 03 Jun 17 - 01:39 PM

Steve, your Bill Withers joke was pretty good in spite of the high corn factor but I don't think anyone over here thinks of him as a country singer. R&B or Soul singer maybe but he was kind of hard to categorize.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: BobL
Date: 03 Jun 17 - 06:49 PM

A later version of the stepping-stones story, featuring the three party leaders of the time, ended:
Major: "Tony, shouldn't we have told Paddy about the stepping-stones?"
Blair: "What stepping-stones John?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jun 17 - 08:04 PM

I know, gillymor. I know absolutely nothing about Bill Withers and I relayed the joke exactly as it was told to me! 😳

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Jul 17 - 10:33 PM

When do musicians break into song?

Only when they can't find the key!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Jul 17 - 06:55 AM

Young man went to see the doctor.

After a little while the doc said to him, "You're going to have stop masturbating."

"What! Why, doc?!"

"Because I'm trying to examine you..."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 16 Jul 17 - 08:32 AM

Did you know that Beethoven was so deaf he thought he was a painter
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 17 Jul 17 - 06:03 AM

A teacher walks into class and finds a turd in the middle of the floor in the front of the class
Horrified, he hurriedly wipes it up and gets on with the lesson
The following two days he finds similar "messages" left on the floor
Then, on the fourth day, when he finds yet another, he says, "I'm going to draw the blinds and turn the lights out when I turn them on again, if the culprit hasn't written an apology on the blackboard I will keep the entire class in for the period of a whole month".
He does so, and when he turns the light on, he sees a steaming turd in the middle of the floor and a message scrawled on the blackboard, "The phantom arsehole strikes again"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Jul 17 - 06:57 AM

It was one of those days. I saw my wife bent over the freezer with a juicy bit of leg showing above her stockings, when that feeling came and I grabbed her. Made wonderfully passionate love to her from the back........ I am never going to do it again though!!!!!! It wasn't a nice position over the freezer... and besides... we're not allowed back into that supermarket again!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Jul 17 - 07:27 AM

Reminds me of one of the oldest of the lot:

"What's you opinion of sex on the television?"

"Bloody uncomfortable, actually..."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jul 17 - 07:58 AM

ignore one law ignore them all

Who knew high treason is a big deal?

"I do not recall anything I knew"
- actual quote from witness in Trump Investigation

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jul 17 - 09:11 AM

there is nothing more painful than a huge expanding probe.

the taint on Robert Mueller has grown to a full 10 inches.

why we haven't heard from Donald Jr. is a long fake snooze.

It takes a lawyer: "There is nothing wrong with high treason in a broken political system that needs to be drained, suctioned and vetted by Secret Service in perfectly normal oppositional research meetings."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 17 Jul 17 - 10:02 AM

A group of farmers in a taverna in a small town on the Mexican border were discussing the exploits of the notorious outlaw, 'Pedro the Bandit'
After a while, one of them turned to a stranger sitting quietly in the corner and said, "Have you heard of Pedro the Bandit stranger?"
"Have I heard of Pedro the Bandit, he replied, "only last week I was riding in the mountains when a man clothed head to foot in black jumped out from behind a rock, pointed a gun and said "put up your hands" - I had no gun so what could I do; I put up my hands".
Then he said "hand over all your money" - I had no gun so I handed over my money.
Then he said, "drop your trousers" - what could I do, I dropped my trousers
He said, "shit" - he didn't have to tell me twice, I shit.
"Now", he said, "eat it" - I feared for my life sir so I ate it.
Then for a second the man looked the other way, so I grabbed his gun, pointed it at him and said "put up your hands".
I had a gun, he had none, so he put up his hands
"Hand over all your money", I said - he could not resist - he handed over all his money.
"Now" said, Drop your trousers" he didn't hesitate, he dropped his trousers
Then I told him, "shit" - he was half-way there already - he shat
"Now" I told him "eat it" - you'd think he hadn't eaten for a weak - he ate it all up.
"Have I heard of Pedro the Bandit - didn't I just have lunch with him only last week?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jul 17 - 02:02 PM

More captions;

Here is our real Bastille prison cell please go in and look around
SLAM

This list is endless, you don't need a hitman you need an Army
I got one, actually I got two.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Jul 17 - 11:59 AM

A few of my favorite songs:

I Want a Man with a Small Hand; Wake Me Up in Mar-a-Lago; Tweet, Tweet Tweedle le Tweet Rockin Donald, I'm so Indicted!; Putin on a Blitz; Ain't No Sunshine When I'm Gone; Elderly golf carts, We Warm the World; Secretary of Edukashun; Tronald Dump and Clillary Hinton; Deleter of the Fact; Fired is the Hardest Word; The Brain-Mouth Connection; Trump Acres; Hello, Is It Pee You're Looking For? Miss you niverse. ; Faking stuff is hard to do.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 19 Jul 17 - 05:36 PM

A cat is snoozing on a bar, and a couple of Mexicans are boasting about how macho they are. One of them says "My cock is longer than that cat's tail." At length, so to speak, the bartender is persuaded to find a ruler & measure the cat's tail while the customer drops his pants. He then proceeds to the customer, who protests: "Just one moment. Where did you measure the cat's tail *from*?" "From the asshole." "Kindly do me the same favor."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Andrez
Date: 19 Jul 17 - 07:51 PM

Three months ago I put out a call for actually funny jokes in this thread. Seems like nothing has improved just the same smutty, unfunny meaningless drivel and a great loss to the brilliance of contributions to this joke thread in past years. On current form there doesn't seem like anything to encourage new readers or contributions. Sigh!

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Jul 17 - 08:36 PM

I take your post as a cri de couer, Andre. Much of the input to this thread perplexes me in a most unfunny way. By way of retribution, here's an old one, one of Tommy Cooper's best:

My wife rang me last night.

She said, "I think there's water in the carburettor."

I said, "Where's the car?"

She said, "In the river..."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Jul 17 - 08:39 PM

Sorry, that was meant to be Andrez! 😳

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: BobL
Date: 20 Jul 17 - 03:31 AM

At least it didn't come out as Andrex...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Ernest
Date: 20 Jul 17 - 04:15 AM

or - even worse - Andrax....

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Jul 17 - 08:12 AM

Take heart Andrez there will be no more pictureless cartoon captions, American pop song jokes, skit humor or 'Which hunt' jokes from my occasional brain farts. The last thing we need is a fist fight on a joke thread although that too is funny. If Steve Shaw doesn't get a joke, or if the laughometer falls below 5 the attempted criminal joke should be expunged. Mods are well practiced at this.

I will get back to reading World History by Donald Trump, who has made America into the biggest joke in the world.

You may have your world of classical kid jokes, dick jokes, wife jokes and fuck jokes for eternity. Its true current events have no longevity.

I assure you, all will be well again my son.
Go in piss.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Jul 17 - 08:12 AM

Very soon I shall be sojourning in the Andarax valley in Andalucía. Ahhhh!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Andrez
Date: 20 Jul 17 - 09:09 AM

You heard my cri de couer right Steve. Your follow on joke gives a whole new meaning to the word car-go-hydrate.....   So heres a couple o quickies as payback. Sorry if you've heard 'em before ;-)
.......

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".

The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"
...............

The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch. However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.

Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".

A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine: " Australia will win the Rugby World Cup"

"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"!

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Jul 17 - 01:28 PM

Pay back, Retribution and Revenge - is this the premise of your high quality jokes of yesteryear?

For the English to make fun of your Irishmen and Australian is jolly good fun but it does little for Americans.

Don't let your jokes be a guilty pleasure, go for the jugular.
Joke about your Muslim Gays and Poles.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Jul 17 - 06:57 PM

Poles??

I met a man at the Olympic park who was carrying a long stick.

I asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

"No," he replied, "I'm German. But how did you know my name was Walter?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Andrez
Date: 21 Jul 17 - 01:06 AM

If people want to go for the jugular please just go buy a copy of any publication from the Murdoch press and enjoy the reading otherwise please just have some fun with words, ideas and jokes in this thread.

No need for special koalafications to do so, they are all irrelephant here, wit and humour are the only prerequisites along with the understanding that you can please some of the people some of the time but you can't ...........

Not too sure where I came across this one but its always been a favourite of mine too in so many ways:

"Due to the high cost of energy the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off".

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Jul 17 - 06:28 AM

While Investigations continue into the first joke thread, legal council has determined everyone is entitled to a full pardon for a   modest fee.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Andrez
Date: 21 Jul 17 - 08:59 AM

Further to the above, m'lud:

"It is axiomatic in government that hornets' nests should be left unstirred, cans of worms should remain unopened, and cats should be left firmly in bags and not set among the pigeons. Ministers should also leave boats unrocked, nettles ungrasped, refrain from taking bulls by the horns, and resolutely turn their backs to the music."

Wot say you?

Cheers,

Andez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Jul 17 - 09:27 AM

I say keep the elephant out of the room.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: saulgoldie
Date: 21 Jul 17 - 12:43 PM

Andrez

Justincase you haven't already discovered this in yer travels...most threads I have ever seen here and elsewhere have a little drift. And not all the posts are always "the best post you ever read" even if it is dead on target. I have found some of the jokes in this year's joke thread funny or not-so-funny, or even "meh." So what? No one died, and no one went to jail.

So my advice, which is usually ignored, despite the great wisdom therein, is to...take a slow breath. Take another one. And another one, still. Real sloooow; real loooong. Andif you find the "funny content" in this thread is too low, then...howabout go listen to or play a song!

Saul

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Jul 17 - 03:05 PM

Always good to hear from Saul. Two Sauls with a glass of Goldie is good for heartburn and insomnia.

It is axiomatic in politics that indignation be canned, cards should race, mirrors should smoke, lies should be bald faced, pens be poison, justice obstructed and the ignored vote.

for an instant post I give this a solid meh. Its your jobe to punch up stuff with potential and steal it. Show me Mel Brooks first draft and I'll show you meh plus.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Jul 17 - 03:16 PM

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him "Don't be Sicily."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Jul 17 - 05:50 PM

What do you call Postman Pat when he's on his holidays?






Pat.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Jul 17 - 07:56 PM

If they ever invent a humorometer what degrees will it display?
(top to bottom)
You die from not being able to take a breath by laughing too hard
Teary eyed uncontrolled laughter
Screaming laugh
huge smiling laugh
lol
smile only
head nod
meh .....................
grimace
shake head no
get up to leave
angry heckle
vomit
Honor killing of the Comic
A Trump reaction to Impeachment

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 22 Jul 17 - 03:26 AM

A Japanese man living in London goes into the doctor complaining of flatulence
The doctor says, "flatulence is not really a serious problem and can probably be cured by something you can getr from your local chemist"
The man says, "this is different", bends over and lets out a loud fart - "Honda"
"That is odd", says the doctor, "drop your trousers and bend over".
He examines the man for a few minutes, pokes around and shines a torch up his backside, and finally says, "you have an abscess".
"What difference does that make" says the man
"Well over here we have an old saying; abscess makes the fart go Honda" came the reply
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Jul 17 - 12:29 PM

"Proud To Be An American" tune parody

If tomorrow all the billionaires I'd worked for all my life,
Owned all the cash and slaves including my children and my wife.
I'd thank President Trump and Putin, who are here to stay
Where the red white and blue stands for Russia and the USA

And I'm proud to be a Russian asset, cause I know who to obey.
And I won't forget, the votes suppressed that brought us this doomsday.
And I'd gladly stand up next to you and defend Donald today.
'Cause there ain't no doubt I love his land, God bless the rich man's way

From the camps in Vladivostok to nuke plants of Tennessee,
Across the crust of Texas, from seas to shining sea,

From Norlands to the North pole and Moscow to LA,
There's pride in all our oligarchs who we won't betray,
So it's time to stand and salute:

I'm proud to be a Russian Asset cause I know who to obey.
And I won't forget the men who tried and took our rights away.
And I'd gladly stand up next to you and defend Putin today.
'Cause there ain't no doubt I love his land! God bless the rich man's way.

And I'm proud to be a Russian Asset, cause I know who to obey.
And I won't forget the men who tried and took our rights away.
And I'd gladly stand up... next to you and defend her still today.
'Cause there ain't no doubt I love his land God bless the rich man's way.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: michaelr
Date: 22 Jul 17 - 08:19 PM

A couple sits watching a program about Conflicting Emotions.

Guy says, "I think that's nonsense. What could you possibly say to me that would make me feel good and bad at the same time?"

Gal looks at him and says, "Compared with all your friends, you have the biggest dick."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Jul 17 - 12:22 AM

I am reminded of the scotswomen who, coming home with their washing, find a drunk passed out in a ditch, his kilt up over his face. One woman looks over and says, At least it's not my husband! Another looks over and says, you're right, he's not your husband! And a third looks over and says, He's not even from our village!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 23 Jul 17 - 03:28 AM

A polceeman walking along the street sees a man with his finger up the backside of another who has his trousers down to his ankles.
"'Ello, 'ello, 'ello - what are you two men doing", he says
"My mate's had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him sick"
"You'll never make him sick like that"
"I will when I put this finger in his mouth" came the reply
Same scenario - this time the unconscious man is lying flat on his back and his mate is blowing into his penis
"What do you think you're doing?"
"He's drunk and he passed out and I'm giving him the 'Kiss of life'.
"Shouldn't that be mouth-to-mouth?
"Have you smelt his breath?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Jul 17 - 06:55 AM

My doctor asked me ''Do you smoke after intercourse''~? I had to answer ''I'm sorry but I never looked''

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Jul 17 - 09:52 AM

That was CORN KNEE

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Jul 17 - 02:04 PM

There is money to made in a grave
When paternity suits are the rave
They say Dali's a daddy
by a lass not a laddie
She has never been taught how to shave

chorus:
Genes decide a suit of paternity
at least they say it outta
Dali's moustache of eternity
looks just like the one on his daughter.

There is money to made in a grave
When paternity suits are the rave
They say Dali's a daddy
by a lass not a laddie
She has never been taught how to shave

dh

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Jul 17 - 08:51 PM

excuse the edit

There is money to made in a grave
When paternity suits are the rave
They say Dali's a daddy
by a lass not a laddie
But no one taught her to shave

chorus:
Genes decide the paternity
at least they say it outta
Dali's moustache of eternity
looks just like the one on his daughter.

There is money to made in a grave
When paternity suits are the rave
They say Dali's a daddy
by a lass not a laddie
But no one taught her to shave

They say she may be a bit daffy
Her wrist watch is salt water taffy
When it gets hot it drips to her crotch
And her face turns suddenly happy

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 Jul 17 - 07:32 AM

...it drips to her crot-
Chand her face... Lehrer would love that rhyme.

True story:   Saw a guy with a banjo at a winery. I said Oh, I didn't know there was going to be a bonfire!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: saulgoldie
Date: 28 Jul 17 - 10:27 AM

OK, OK, I got it! How bout...

He/she/it so ***.
How *** is he/she/it?
He/she/it so *** that...

Like: It's so cold.
How cold is it?
It's so cold that when you pour the whiskey, it freezes before it hits the glass.
And the logger put on his vest, etc.
(Not so funny; just an example.)


I'll start.
How deep in over his head is Trump?
He's in so deep over his head that if he used the last precious few breaths of air in his oxygen tank to go straight to the surface, he'd get a terminal case of the bends!

So, anyone?

Saul

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Jul 17 - 10:35 AM

He is so crazy
How crazy is he?
He is so crazy that when Charles Manson hears the latest Trump fiasco Charlie covers his face in his hands and is heard to say "Oh dear Lord."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 Jul 17 - 01:32 PM

Picard's ego is large.
How large is it?
It's so large, Temba's arms cannot open wide enough...

(ducking and running for cover)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Black belt caterpillar wrestler
Date: 28 Jul 17 - 05:02 PM

I was just driving home past the local tanning parlour and noticed two ladies standing outside smoking.

I thing they have the sunbeds on the wrong setting.

Robin

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: saulgoldie
Date: 01 Aug 17 - 11:37 AM

Not a joke!

Comedians are aghast that "Mooch" is gone so quickly. They were hoping to be able to milk that one for at least a couple months, during which time, certainly something else would rear its ugly head. Honestly, Trump has no sympathy for struggling comedians, whatsoever!

Saul

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 02 Aug 17 - 02:42 AM

put out a call for actually funny jokes in this thread.

well intellectual jokes you want?

A gladiator went into a bar in downtown Rome. "I'll have a Martinus, barman"
Barman - "Don't you mean a Martini?"
Maximus Glutimus - "If I wanted a double, I would ask for one!".

&

A guy working in a limestone quarry got fed up of being showered in dust so decided to improve himself at university and read Greek literature.
That went "from sub lime to read Aeschylus"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Aug 17 - 05:28 AM

A Chinese man ran a takeaway in Soho - next door was a strip club run by a Greek
Every night the strip club owner would come in after he had closed his club and ask for - "a chicken flied lice please"
This angered the Chinese man to the extent that he took a crash course in English and stood for hours in front of the mirror carefully pronouncing "Chicken fried rice - chicken fried rice
One night the Greek came in, and asked, as usual, for "a chicken flied lice please"
The Chinese man carefully responded, "don't you mean chicken fried rice, you Gleek plick?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Aug 17 - 05:28 AM

A Chinese man ran a takeaway in Soho - next door was a strip club run by a Greek
Every night the strip club owner would come in after he had closed his club and ask for - "a chicken flied lice please"
This angered the Chinese man to the extent that he took a crash course in English and stood for hours in front of the mirror carefully pronouncing "Chicken fried rice - chicken fried rice
One night the Greek came in, and asked, as usual, for "a chicken flied lice please"
The Chinese man carefully responded, "don't you mean chicken fried rice, you Gleek plick?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Aug 17 - 05:38 PM

in Chicago right off the Magnificent Mile, Trump Tower scrapes the clouds.
They say on a clear day from the top of Trump Tower you can see Russia.
On cloudy days you still see Russians.


(I wrote and used this in Chicago)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Aug 17 - 06:15 PM

I wish to speak. Cri de couer if you like. When I read a post in a joke thread I want to laugh. Life is a vale of tears. Please only post genuinely funny things!

So here's a Tommy Cooper one or two.


My wife complained that her feet hurt. I said: "You've got your shoes on the wrong feet." She said: "But these are the only feet I've got."



I went to the doctor. He said "Say 'ahh.'"

I said "Why?"

He said " Because my dog's just died."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Fossil
Date: 05 Aug 17 - 09:58 PM

The Admiral was visiting one of his ships. When having tea he noticed that every biscuit had the ship's insignia embossed on it. He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.

Cook: "When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven".
Admiral: "That's pretty unhygienic!"
Cook: "In that case sir, I'd suggest you skip the doughnuts!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Aug 17 - 10:00 AM

The cry from your heart is troll BS. The jokes that you steal are all like nutritious turds high in fiber. You think they are funny but you are still eating the same ol' shit. Try something delicious for a change, like Jeff Jefferies.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Aug 17 - 11:35 AM

Humor is political, local, regional or by gender but personally I like grabbing humor by the country.

memo from Mitch: Sorry about the tumor but we need tu mor votes.

Democrats suck so bad at branding compared to Republican trumped up phrases, that they think it's cruel and inhumane.

The People vs. Human Beings

Trump is a man of the people - Obama was a human being
The People vs. Human Beings - Trump's next lawsuit.
People are shitheads - Humans are eggheads
The People watch football - Humans love Baseball
People love hate - Humans hate those People

100 more...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Aug 17 - 12:46 PM

Prove I'm a troll. Post something genuinely rib-tickling, Donuel. Bet you can't.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Aug 17 - 02:26 PM

Why ?   Is it feeding time for trolls?
I only post original crap in which a few good pictures evolve.
As a political cartoonist its what I know.

In all honesty Steve you are a mixed bag of nuts and 'nutrolls'.
As I said humor is regional and writing new humor is hard.
It has to be performed to know if its funny or not.
On a stereotypic average, with the exception of favorites like Cashew Cleese and the gang of Monty Macadamia nuts, Americans find English humor silly and a dry bitter nut to chew. Personally I have never even heard of German humor.
Olde Tymey Irish stories are of course immortal.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 06 Aug 17 - 05:37 PM

A visiting General was due to make an inspection at an army camp. The squaddies had been hard at it polishing, painting and cleaning. When the General came over the hill, he saw the whitewashed buildings and polished brass fittings gleaming in the sunlight. Far from being pleased, he took the Commanding Officer to task for making the camp such an obvious target for the enemy. He ordered the camp to be repainted in camouflage colours before his next visit.

When he returned the next month, he was amazed to find a pastoral scene where the camp should have been - fields of wheat, sheep on the hillside, cows in the pasture, a thatched cottage with a wisp of smoke coming from the chimney.
He had to check his map to make sure he was in the right place. As he made his way towards where thought the gate should be, a tree suddenly ran out in front of his car.
"STAND STILL!" he yelled. The tree came to an abrupt stop, standing to attention and giving a smart salute.
"Do you realise that you have given away an almost perfect deception? Explain yourself!"

"Sorry sir" said the tree. "When a bird made a nest in my hair and laid an egg down the back of my shirt, I stood there for Queen and country."
"When a dog cocked its leg and peed down my leg, I stood there for Queen and country"
" but I draw the line when a squirrel runs up my trousers and shouts: " oh goody, nuts. I'll have one now and save one for winter"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: saulgoldie
Date: 07 Aug 17 - 12:14 PM

Not all that calls itself "humor" or "funny" is. Or at least, not to everyone of every culture of every time period, of every land mass. I have sat through at least several "comedy shows" that absolutely were not. To me, anyway. But others laughed. And some of the pretenders on stage were actually traveling professionals who obviously had some fans.

And some times, I have heard jokes performed that I remember from a bygone era. Funny then, or maybe not. BUT the audience there (now), or at least a number of folks there had not heard these jokes, and laughed raucously.

So here's me, just hoping that we can have a peaceful joke thread where people enjoy what they can and ignore what they can't. Just like in real life where we take beauty and other wonderful things where and how we experience them, and pass by what does not please us.

Thenk yew.

Saul

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Aug 17 - 10:34 PM

Most assuredly we are all chums Saul. I've been watching a comedy retrospective. The only truth is change, and truth is funny.
The most unfunny topic is describing why something is funny.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Aug 17 - 06:34 AM

A Yorkshireman's wife sadly passes away. He decides to have the words 'She Were Thine' engraved on her headstone.

He calls the mason, explains what he wants, then goes to see the stone a few days later. He takes one look and to his horror, finds the mason has engraved 'She Were Thin.'
He yells at the mason,: "You've left bloody e out, yer daft bugger! Where's bloody e?"

The mason apologises profusely, and assures the widower it'll be right on the day.

The day of the funeral comes. The mourners leave the church and head out to the graveyard. There they see the pristine headstone, upon it inscribed:

"Eee, She Were Thin."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 13 Aug 17 - 06:59 PM

You can safely tell this one to a ten-year-old:


What US state is named for a beverage?







Minne-soda.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 14 Aug 17 - 06:00 AM

why did the troll cross the road?












he didn't, you can't get shot of the buggers!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Aug 17 - 07:14 AM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9ODULb_dyo

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 14 Aug 17 - 08:14 AM

Here are two 'folk jokes' we included in our cassette album ".... and That's My Story", issued by the Vaughan Williams Memorial Library sometime in the 1980s
Jim Carroll

THREE OLD MINERS Dick Beamish Pontypridd (?), Glamorgan, Wales
Well, er, you see the miner's life is a mixture, like it is in every other phase of life, a mixture of tragedy and humour; and I don't think you'll find anywhere where humour is richer in character than it is in our industry.
Here's a story of the three old miners who had retired. One was well over seventy, the other one was eighty some odd and the oldest was ninety-six. And they were in the eventide of their life; summertime, sitting on the council seat enjoying the sunshine, watching the traffic going back and fore, and they suddenly discussed how they'd like to die.
The youngest, now, of the trio was well over seventy. He said, "Well boys bach," he said, "I've been watching these red sport cars," he said, "that these youngsters have got, travelling back and fore." he said. "I don't know nothing about cars," he said, "but I'd like to get into one of those." he said, "rev up," he said, "that's what I think they call it; sixty, seventy, eighty miles an hour, bang into a lamp post, everything at an end," he said. "That's the way I'd like to die." "What about you, John?" he said, now, the one who was over eighty, now, the second oldest of the trio.
"Well, boys," he said, "I'm a bit more modem than you are," he said. "I've been reading about these sputniks. I would like to volunteer to go into one of those sputniks," he said. "They tell me they go up into the sky. thousands of miles," he said. "I'd like to be up there," he said, "ten thousand miles up, something go wrong with the works, explosion, everything finished: that's the way I would like to go out," he said.
Now the oldest of the trio of these old miners, he w as ninety-six. So they said to him. "You're silent, Robert; haven't you eot some suggestion how you would like to die?"
"Ha, boys," he said, "I've been listening to you two here. Do you know the way I'd like to go out?" he said.
"No, Robert, which way would you like to die?"
"Well, boys, bach, to tell you the truth," he said, "I'd like to be shot by a jealous husband!"
Recorded by Ewan MacColl, Peggy Seeger and Charles Parker, 1961

THE LION TAMER Bob Cann South Tawton, Devon, England
There was this farmworker, you see, out on Dartmoor. He had seven kids, poor sod. Just down the road was another bloke; he had seven kids. The only difference between the two, the bloke down the road was on the dole, the social security, and he was picking up more money than this poor sod working on the farm.
So one day he thought to himself, "If I had the sack, I should be better off." So when he went to work Monday morning the farmer set him out in the field spreading heaps of dung and he went to sleep beside hayrick. This went on with three or four days, you see. So one afternoon the farmer thought he would go and see how he was getting on. When he gets out to the other one, a heap of dung had been spread and he found him asleep. So he kick him in the boots and woke him up and told him to come in and get his cards. So he went in and got his cards.
But the trouble was, you see, the next day he had to go to the labour exchange to sign on. And on the way in, he thought to himself, "Well, I must be clever here, because if I say I'm ... he'll sure to ask me what my occupation is, and if I say I'm a farmworker, there's plenty of farm work about and he'll put me on a farm again."
So off he goes into the office, the bloke behind the office, and he looks up and he says, "Good morning, what can I do for you?"
He says "I'm come in to sign on."
"Oh yes," the bloke said. "In case a job comes up for you, what's your occupation?"
"Oh," he said, "I'm a liontamer."
The bloke said, "What a coincidence," he said. "Yesterday the circus moved into town and the liontamer got mauled by a lion and he's in hospital. Here's your green card, and you go down and take the job."
Couldn't do nothing about it so away he goes down. When he gets there, there was the ringmaster outside the ... outside the cage, you see, and the old bloke was shaking like hell.
And he said, "Well," he said, "I don't think I shall be any good with this job because I can see they lions don't know me, they don't like me."
"Oh," he said, "you'll get used to it after a few mauls and scratches." "Well," he said, "you'll have to tell me what to do."
Well the old bloke said, the old ringmaster said, "That's easy," he said. "All you- do," he says, "you put your hand down, catch hold of a lump of meat," he said, "and throw in over the cage." He said, "You slide open the cage door," he said, "and make sure to slide the cage door shut behind thee," he said, "and make sure never to take your eyes off a lion else he'll have 'ee."
"Oh Christ," he said. "I've got to do..."
"Oh yes," he said.
"Well," he said, "what do I do then?"
Well he said, "You creep over," he said, "grab the meat and pull it away from the lion."
"Christ," he said. "What the hell do I do then?"
"Well," he said, "you'll find the lion coming towards thee, very gently. Then he's a-just about to pounce at 'ee."
"Well," he said, "what the hell do I do then?"
"Well," he said, "you go backwards," he said, "and you'll finish with your back up against the cage," he said, "and just before the lion's going to jump, pounce at thee," he said, "you keep your eye on the lion," he said, "but put your hand down," he said, "pick up a lump of dung and throw it right in his face."
"Oh," he said, "oh," he said, "no, oh," he said, "that's all right," he said, "but suppose there ain't no dung down there?"
He said, "There will be."
Recorded by John Howson, 1987

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Aug 17 - 09:30 AM

Reporter: What would Armageddon look like in Korea?

General McMasterace: Well it would not be the holocaust people imagine. 10 or 20 million in collateral damage tops. There would be no Armageddon.

Reporter: Then what would it be?

General McMasterace:
It would be more like a, like a kitty cataclysm.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Aug 17 - 11:49 AM

In defeat Nixon made his famous speech
"You're not going to have Richard Nixon to kick around anymore"
In defeat Trump may indeed say
"You're going to have Donald Trump to stick around forevermore"
"The Gulf of Mexico is now the Gulf of Trump."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Aug 17 - 10:04 AM

Mr. Woody Allen thank you so much for seeing me, it is an honor.

Well I heard your unusual screenplay has potential.

Honestly that's a first, When Steven Spielberg heard it was about gassing people in large chambers he wouldn't see me and when Quenton Tarantino heard it was about gassing Nazis but they became nice he canceled and when Ridley Scott was told the emergent Nazis did not eat people he never called back.

What is it that the Nazis do exactly.

After they are gassed with Oxytocin they marry Asians, blacks and minorities...by the way it is a Jew who gasses the Nazis.

Your movie is greenlighted!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Aug 17 - 10:49 AM

Bee-dubya-ell this ones for you! What did Delaware boys?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 21 Aug 17 - 02:57 AM

A knock on the door and standing there are two pooches, one with a briefcase under his arm. The other speaks:




"I've come to talk to you about Dog"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: RobbieWilson
Date: 21 Aug 17 - 04:13 PM

An old Scottish one; Did you hear about the trumpeter who found a weed in his garden?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: frogprince
Date: 21 Aug 17 - 09:22 PM

Robbie Wilson, am I reading that wrong? A trumpet isn't a weed instrument.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Sep 17 - 10:12 AM

My camping thing theme's was $mas, and I learned this joke:

So these three drunk guys are driving home after a late, late Christmas Eve, and they crash and wind up at the pearly gates with an impatient Peter who just wants to get back to the party, but is feeling expansive. Show me one Christmas thing and you're in, he says. So the first guy takes a lighter out, lights it, and exclaims Christmas lights! and is waved in. The second guy takes out his car keys, shakes them and cries, Christmas bells! and gets waved in. The third guy whips out a pair of panties and waves them. What are those? asks Peter.

Oh, these are Carol's!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 07 Sep 17 - 04:40 PM

"I've come to talk to you about Dog"

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?

He lay awake all night wondering if there really was a Dog.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 12 Sep 17 - 03:37 AM

Saw a piece of graffiti painted in large letters on the back of an English van in Galway yesterday
"A hard-on does not count as personal growth"
Left me smiling all day
Jim Caaarroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 12 Sep 17 - 03:50 AM

On that theme -
What is the difference between light and hard?

Well you can go to sleep with the light on.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Sep 17 - 03:56 AM

My favourite bit of van graffiti was scrawled in tne dirt on the back of a van in Bristol "I wish my wife was this dirty." As we were stuck in a traffic jam I was able to get a photo!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Sep 17 - 07:51 PM

Two shamelessly nicked from Tim Vine's Radio 4 show this evening.

Priscilla, having fished Elvis out of the swimming pool for the tenth time, asks him, "Elvis, why do I have to keep rescuing you from the pool?"

He replies, "I can't help falling in, love..."




"I went to the fairground today and went on a ride. While I was on there, half the time I was laughing my head off and half the time I was in floods of tears.

It was an emotional roller-coaster..."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Sep 17 - 12:58 PM

I have a half twin in Puerto Rico. He is addicted to placebos. If he could quit it really wouldn't matter.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 19 Sep 17 - 03:13 PM

Not so much van graffiti, but a sign spotted on a builders lorry some years ago -

Singh Brothers - Builders
Fed up with the cowboys - try the Indians

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Sep 17 - 03:34 PM

Another witty bit of van graffiti, scrawled on an extremely dirty white van: "Also available in white."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 19 Sep 17 - 09:48 PM

It may just be the placebo talking, but I don't feel any effect at all.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 20 Sep 17 - 06:02 PM

On a questionnaire: Sex (M/F)?
Reply: I prefer to F, but mostly have to M.

On another questionnaire: Use of alcoholic beverages: (1) never, (2) occasionally, (3) frequently, (4) to excess.
Reply: (2) and (4).

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Sep 17 - 11:54 AM

sign in Maryland yard:

THE SUN IS A HOAX
    at night

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Sep 17 - 11:15 AM

Donald Trump 2   - NFL 7

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Sep 17 - 11:42 AM

Russia 45   - Trump 0

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Sep 17 - 11:46 AM

Which reindeer scares dinosaurs?







... guess first ...






Comet!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 25 Sep 17 - 04:42 AM

As I was hurrying to a Irish session a lass was sweeping the carpark of a shop.
Says I (one minute later, unfortunately)

"Don't sweep it under the car, pet"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Sep 17 - 06:14 AM

image: Trump with obvious broken and bleeding nose
caption: Welcome to the NFL!

btw
(some of us remember trump funding the now defunct USFL)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 25 Sep 17 - 06:31 AM

True story
When I finished my apprenticeship as an electrician I got a job with Liverpool Housing Department doing maintenance
In the office a framed letter from a lady customer hung on the wall reading, "Please send man - have been using candles all week"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 Sep 17 - 10:08 AM

"If I can't get a man, then I'll have to get a carrot...
And it's o, dear me, how will it be if I die an old maid in the garret?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Sep 17 - 07:16 PM

The Devil formed a commission in hell that decides who deserves a personalized or a generic hell. There have already been meetings regarding Trump's upcoming status. Rumor has it that Trump will be the quarterback for the New England Patriots with McConnel as center Ryan as halfback and a Democratic front line.

Donald, welcome to the NFHell ! SMASH BASH CRACKLE GUSH

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 25 Sep 17 - 07:48 PM

"old maid in the garret?""
There was once a middle aged unmarried lady living alone in her garret with just her tom-cat for company -
Each night she fed the cat, had her meal and curled up on the sofa with a book until it was bedtime
One warm night she was standing by the open window and sighing out loud - "I wish I had a nice young man to keep me company, I get very lonely here"
By chance, her fairy godmother was passing and, seeing the lady's unhappiness, took out her wand, pointed it at the cat curled up on the sofa and "FLASH" - it turned into a beautiful young man
The lady was ecstatic, she gave the handsome young man a drink and told him that, if he waited she would make him a delicious meal
Sure enough, she put together a superb dinner, laid the table - wine - candles - the lot
They sat down and tucked in, drank the wine and settled back on the couch, replete
After a minute she snuggled up to him and began to stroke his face, closer, closer.... finally she threw her arms around him and kissed him - he drew back
"What's the matter" she said?
"Well" he said, "it seems you've forgotten that operation you sent me for"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Sep 17 - 11:07 PM

You just declared war
No I didn't
Yes you did
when ?
just then
That wasn't a declaration
what was "you won't be around much longer?
That was an exclamation.
So you exclaimed?
yes
So you did declare war.
No I didn't
Yes you did
when ?
just then...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Andrez
Date: 27 Sep 17 - 08:08 AM

Good one Donuel!

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Sep 17 - 12:41 PM

Trump orders a simple request to the NFL:







his Executive Order (the "Agreement") states the terms and conditions that govern the contractual agreement between the NFL having his principal place of business at [New York New York], and Donald J. Trump having its principal place of business at White House Pennsylvania Avenue Washington DC agrees to be bound by this Agreement.
WHEREAS, the NFL is described in further detail on Exhibit A, and the NFL is a contractor with whom the Client has come to an agreement to This Executive Order .
NOW, THEREFORE, In consideration of the mutual covenants and promises made by the parties to this Agreement, the President and the NFL (individually, each a "Party" and collectively, the "Parties") covenant and agree as follows:

T H E   E X EC U T I V E   O R D E R:

The NFL hereby engages the President and hereby agrees to be engaged by the President TO ALLOW NO; fan, spectator, attendee, employee, Team member- ball player or owner to kneel during the observation and performance of the National Anthem in accordance with the specifications attached hereto as Exhibit A (the "Specifications"). Locking arms as a demonstration of any kind is temporarily excluded from this agreement.


a. The NFL shall complete This Executive Order according to the milestones described on the form attached hereto as Exhibit B. In accordance with such milestones, the final action punishable by Exhibit C shall be delivered to the NFL by 30 days

a.1 Men shall be required to bow in a forward position to the President. Women shall be required to bow in a backward position to the President.

b. For a period of 30 days after delivery of This Executive Order , the NFL shall provide the attention to answer any questions or assist solving any problems with regard to the operation of This Executive Order free of charge and billed to the NFL at a rate of $100 per hour for any assistance thereafter. The NFL agrees to respond to any reasonable request for assistance made by the President regarding This Executive Order within 30 days of the request.
c. Except as expressly provided in This Executive Order , the President shall not be obligated under this Agreement to provide any other support or assistance to the NFL.
d. The PRESIDENT may cancel this Executive Order at any time upon material breach of the terms herein and failure to cure such a breach within 30 days of notification of such a breach.
e. This Executive Order shall provide to the NFL after the Delivery Date, a cumulative [TIME FRAME] of training with respect to the operation of This Executive Order if requested by the NFL.
DELIVERY. This Executive Order shall function in accordance with the Specifications on or before the Delivery Date.
a. If This Executive Order as delivered does not conform with the Specifications, the NFL shall within 30 days of the Delivery Date notify the President of the United States in writing of the ways in which it does not conform with the Specifications. The President agrees that upon receiving such notice, it shall make reasonable efforts to correct any non-conformity.
b. The NFL shall provide to the President written notice of its finding that This Executive Order conforms to the Specifications within 30 days of the Delivery Date unless it finds that This Executive Order does not conform to the Specifications as described in Section 2(A) herein.
COMPENSATION. In consideration for the Service, the NFL shall pay the President at the rate of $100 per hour (the "Hourly Rate"), with a maximum total fee [ EXHIBIT D ] for all work under This Executive Order. Fees billed under the Hourly Rate shall be due and payable upon the Developer providing the Client with an invoice. Invoices will be provided for work completed by the developer once every [PAY PERIOD].


CHANGE IN SPECIFICATIONS. The Client may request that reasonable changes be made to the Specifications and tasks associated with the implementation of the Specifications. If the NFL requests such a change, the Developer will use its best efforts to implement the requested change at no additional expense to the Client and without delaying delivery of This Executive Order . In the event that the proposed change will, in the sole discretion of the Developer, require a delay in the delivery of This Executive Order or would result in additional expense to the NFL, then the NFL and the President shall confer and the may either withdraw the proposed change or require proposed change and subject to the delay and/or additional expense. This Executive Order agrees and acknowledges that the judgment as to the NFL shall not disclose to any third party the business of the NFL, details regarding including, without limitation any information regarding the Software's code, the Specifications, or the Client's business (the "Confidential Information"), (ii) make copies of any Confidential Information or any content based on the concepts contained within the Confidential Information for personal use or for distribution unless requested to do so by the NFL, or (iii) use Confidential Information other than solely for the benefit of the President of the United States.
PRESIDENTIAL WARRANTIES. This Executive Order represents and warrants to the NFL the following:
a. Development and delivery of This Executive Order under this Agreement is not in violation of any other agreement that the President has with another party.
b. This Executive Order excludes the civil rights of any other party.
c. For a period of 100 years after the Delivery Date, This Executive Order shall operate according to the Specifications. If This Executive Order malfunctions or in any way does not operate according to the Specifications within the NFL is excluded from and against all lawsuits and costs of every kind pertaining to This Executive Order including reasonable legal fees due to This Executive Order infringement of the civil rights of any third party.
By way of example, in the event any third party sues the US Government in This Executive Order , the complainant will cover all court and legal costs in such an action.

NO MODIFICATION UNLESS IN WRITING. No modification of this Agreement shall be valid unless in writing and agreed upon by both Parties.
APPLICABLE LAW. This Executive Order and the interpretation of its terms shall be governed by and construed in accordance with the laws of the State of Florida and subject to the exclusive jurisdiction of the federal and state courts located in [Palm Beach], [Florida].
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, each of the Parties has executed this Executive order Agreement, both Parties by its duly authorized officer, as of the day and year set forth below
President of the United States
Donald J. Trump
Commander and Chief

This Executive Order (the "Agreement") states the terms and conditions that govern the contractual agreement between the NFL having his principal place of business at [New York New York], and Donald J. Trump having its principal place of business at White House Pennsylvania Avenue Washington DC agrees to be bound by this Agreement.
WHEREAS, the NFL is described in further detail on Exhibit A, and the NFL is a contractor with whom the Client has come to an agreement to This Executive Order .
NOW, THEREFORE, In consideration of the mutual covenants and promises made by the parties to this Agreement, the President and the Client (individually, each a "Party" and collectively, the "Parties") covenant and agree as follows:

This Executive Order: The NFL hereby engages the President and hereby agrees to be engaged by the President to allow no; fan. attendee, employee, Team member-ball player or owner to kneel during the observation and performance of the National Anthem in accordance with the specifications attached hereto as Exhibit A (the "Specifications").
a. The NFL shall complete This Executive Order according to the milestones described on the form attached hereto as Exhibit B. In accordance with such milestones, the final action punishable by Exhibit C shall be delivered to the NFL by 30 days [FINAL DELIVERY DATE] (the "Delivery Date").
b. For a period of 30 days after delivery of This Executive Order , the NFL shall provide the attention to answer any questions or assist solving any problems with regard to the operation of This Executive Order free of charge and billed to the NFL at a rate of $100 per hour for any assistance thereafter. The NFL agrees to respond to any reasonable request for assistance made by the President regarding This Executive Order within 30 days of the request.
c. Except as expressly provided in This Executive Order , the President shall not be obligated under this Agreement to provide any other support or assistance to the NFL.
d. The Client may terminate this Software Development Agreement at any time upon material breach of the terms herein and failure to cure such a breach within 30 days of notification of such a breach.
e. This Executive Order shall provide to the NFL after the Delivery Date, a cumulative [TIME FRAME] of training with respect to the operation of This Executive Order if requested by the NFL.
DELIVERY. This Executive Order shall function in accordance with the Specifications on or before the Delivery Date.
a. If This Executive Order as delivered does not conform with the Specifications, the NFL shall within 30 days of the Delivery Date notify the President of the United States in writing of the ways in which it does not conform with the Specifications. The President agrees that upon receiving such notice, it shall make reasonable efforts to correct any non-conformity.
b. The NFL shall provide to the President written notice of its finding that This Executive Order conforms to the Specifications within [TIME FRAME] days of the Delivery Date unless it finds that This Executive Order does not conform to the Specifications as described in Section 2(A) herein.
COMPENSATION. In consideration for the Service, the NFL shall pay the President at the rate of $100 per hour (the "Hourly Rate"), with a maximum total fee [ EXHIBIT D ] for all work under This Executive Order. Fees billed under the Hourly Rate shall be due and payable upon the Developer providing the Client with an invoice. Invoices will be provided for work completed by the developer once every [PAY PERIOD].


CHANGE IN SPECIFICATIONS. The Client may request that reasonable changes be made to the Specifications and tasks associated with the implementation of the Specifications. If the NFL requests such a change, the Developer will use its best efforts to implement the requested change at no additional expense to the Client and without delaying delivery of This Executive Order . In the event that the proposed change will, in the sole discretion of the Developer, require a delay in the delivery of This Executive Order or would result in additional expense to the NFL, then the NFL and the President shall confer and the may either withdraw the proposed change or require proposed change and subject to the delay and/or additional expense. This Executive Order agrees and acknowledges that the judgment as to the NFL shall not disclose to any third party the business of the NFL, details regarding including, without limitation any information regarding the Software's code, the Specifications, or the Client's business (the "Confidential Information"), (ii) make copies of any Confidential Information or any content based on the concepts contained within the Confidential Information for personal use or for distribution unless requested to do so by the NFL, or (iii) use Confidential Information other than solely for the benefit of the President of the United States.
PRESIDENTIAL WARRANTIES. This Executive Order represents and warrants to the NFL the following:
a. Development and delivery of This Executive Order under this Agreement is not in violation of any other agreement that the President has with another party.
b. This Executive Order excludes the civil rights of any other party.
c. For a period of 100 years after the Delivery Date, This Executive Order shall operate according to the Specifications. If This Executive Order malfunctions or in any way does not operate according to the Specifications within the NFL is excluded from and against all lawsuits and costs of every kind pertaining to This Executive Order including reasonable legal fees due to This Executive Order infringement of the civil rights of any third party.
By way of example, in the event any third party sues the US Government in This Executive Order , the complainant will cover all court and legal costs in such an action.

NO MODIFICATION UNLESS IN WRITING. No modification of this Agreement shall be valid unless in writing and agreed upon by both Parties.
APPLICABLE LAW. This Executive Order and the interpretation of its terms shall be governed by and construed in accordance with the laws of the State of Florida and subject to the exclusive jurisdiction of the federal and state courts located in [Palm Beach], [Florida].
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, each of the Parties has executed this Executive order Agreement, both Parties by its duly authorized officer, as of the day and year set forth below
President of the United States
Donald J. Trump
Commander and Chief

addendum: EXHIBIT D shall remain classified, secret and confidential under penalty of law/

click here to accept---> I______I

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Iains
Date: 28 Sep 17 - 04:55 AM

Corbyn has just been voted the third worst PM after don't know!

In a recent poll as to who would make the best Prime Minister:
Theresa May 37%
Don't Know 34%
Corbyn      29%

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Sep 17 - 12:50 PM

Happy birthday Pollyanna, happy birthday to yuooo!
Here this is for you
Oh what is it Pandora?
Its a box
I can't wait to open it.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 29 Sep 17 - 05:14 AM

Women shall be required to bow in a backward position to the President LOL

But Donuel isn't brevity the soul of wit?



At the Stroud Folk Festival the Ale House has an endless variety of beers, and one Cider but one Perry. So I said to the barmaid:

"pour a pint of Pickled Parrot Perry please"

She laughed anyway.

And the perry was rather delectable.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Sep 17 - 08:33 AM

You can't be voted the third worst prime minister when you've never been one. And, increasingly, the joke will be on people like you who treat Corbyn as a joke. It was that attitude that lost May her majority. You Tories never learn. Now tell us something funny.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Sep 17 - 08:59 AM

Mr. Red, the joke was that the executive order was identical to a software contract everyone scrolls to the end to click yes
I should have adjusted font size to unreadably small
another clue, trump is the 45th and final potus.

Conjugate TRUMP : Tripe Tramp Trump

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 30 Sep 17 - 06:29 AM

Yes but..................
I would have constructed a radio button with an agree text - you still have to telegraph the punchline. On-line that is. A shaggy dog story - verbally - is a different animal.

Anyway

There are two sorts of people in this world is even funnier as you read down.

My version is:
There are two sorts of people in this world -
1) Those that divide the people in this world into two sorts, and.....

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Sep 17 - 07:14 AM

I thought there were three kinds of people in this world, those who are good at arithmetic and those who aren't.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Sep 17 - 04:33 PM

Young Donald 'Hellboy' Trump loved his bike, candy and TV. One day in Queens a Puerto Rican boy stole Donald's bicycle. Donald swore revenge against the boy and his whole family. There came a day when that revenge could be served cold to the entire Island of PR. Weeks after Donald had done his worst by doing nothing a young Puerto Rican boy cleverly cut and diverted Donald's WiFi. Without a release of Donald's never ending urge for revenge on Twitter, he exploded, firing his whole family. They say his last words were "Redshwin phantom"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Sep 17 - 04:38 PM

others disagree and say his last words were 'Redskin anthem'.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Sep 17 - 04:40 PM

Any chance of an actual laugh on this thread, anyone? I thought that's what it was for!


A man walks into a greengrocer's shop and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please.

The greengrocer says, sorry sir, it's kilos now.

So the man says, all right then, I'll have five pounds of kilos please.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Sep 17 - 06:44 PM

Sorry Jared but you have been judged to go to hell. As a consolation by a loving God you may pick what ever conveyance you choose to make your long journey to hell. How would you like to go?
I will take a stretch limo full of beautiful women and liquor.
down the road he goes.
Sorry Donald but you have been sentenced to hell but you may choose how you would like to travel there.
I'll take my private jet.
into the sky he flew.
Sorry Steve but you are going to hell. But you may choose how you would like to make your journey to hell.
I would like to take a Wonderful Cruise Ship with never ending banquets and friends playing music that is docked in the middle of Kansas pulled by a hundred snails.
The ship couldn't budge.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Sep 17 - 09:09 PM

Yeah well your dense postings may have some clout in other threads but you are not raising a laugh here. American-style dry cynicism may make a few burnt-out cynics chortle your end but it's just abject here and we wonder why you bother. I'll tell you what: here's a joke or three.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue?'
I said 'No, just a watch.'

The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?
I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: DMcG
Date: 01 Oct 17 - 03:00 AM

I wouldn't call them jokes, but there is an orthopaedic centre near us which is forever putting up posters that raise a smile with me. For example, they had a diagram of a skeleton headed 'PAIN!' in jagged lettering, then labels drawn to various parts of the skeleton labelled 'head', 'knee', 'arm' etc. It is encouraging that they know where the head and knee are, but there is no actual promise to be able to treat anything.

The current one is the statement 'Relieving pain improves your life', which I could hardly take much issue with.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 01 Oct 17 - 05:22 AM

not raising a laugh here

speaking personally, humour is such a personal thing, and I laugh with the person not at them. I'm eclectic that way. When I used to write humorous songs I reckoned that only half the jokes would connect. That is half the people, or half the time - never failed. So I tended to do lots of jokes - that way the re-telling was still funny.

Back on topic

How many ceilidh callers does it take to change a lightbulb ?







Just on more couple .............

And ceilidh dancers?

None. Every time you circle left - it falls out.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Oct 17 - 06:44 AM

Yeah, right. If a joke doesn't "connect," then maybe it isn't much of a joke. To me there isn't much humour in the smirky, dry cynicism we've seen a fair bit of in this thread.


The phone rang so I picked it up and said, "Who's speaking, please?" A voice said, "You are."

I went to the station ticket booth and asked for a return ticket. The man asked me, "Where to?" I said, "Here."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Oct 17 - 06:53 AM

The formulaic go to hell story was a peace offering rather than an ambition to make Steve pee his pants.

Personally I like darker non PC guilty laughs from George Carlin, Mel, Jeff Jefferies, Gahan Wilson or Methandra Kalimothorzi.

Ah if only I could go back to the days when a 'itty bitty witty ditty did it for me'

like Steve.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Oct 17 - 07:34 AM

As long as they're actual laughs and not just fodder for knowing smirkiness. The almost-objective fact is that the jokes I've put here are ten times funnier than any of your obscurantist and rather cynical essays. Life is a vale of tears and so PLEASE may we have just one thread reserved for good old belly-laughs. And one more thing. If I see the word "Trump" in a so-called joke I just know that the thing will be totally bereft of any quality even remotely resembling humour.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Oct 17 - 12:08 PM

same old jokes, same old boobs and Lionel trains.


[stuff intended for kids but Steve plays with them]

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Raggytash
Date: 01 Oct 17 - 03:45 PM

There is a fundimental difference between American humour and UK humour, I was saying to the wifes sister in bed this morning there's too much happiness in the world.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Oct 17 - 04:33 PM

You're a beacon of sanity, Raggytash. Let's save this thread from the wry!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Oct 17 - 06:07 PM

America will entertain itself to death until the power goes off.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Oct 17 - 08:07 PM

Stop being wry, Donuel. This is a joke thread, not an outlet for your cynicism. There are plenty of other threads available for that. Give us a laugh instead.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Oct 17 - 08:08 PM

Whatdoyousay you accept creative eclectic points of view and allow free speech Steve?

Or we could escalate joke challenges which might elevate creativity into a spiraling joke war, I won't be sore. Comedy Feuds have been very funny. The first one I remember was Fred Allen and Jack Benny.

We have angry comics insult comics and your fault comics
You have your hard edge comics, sex comics, complex comics
Political comics hypocritical comics inimical comics and jerks
gross out comics horror comics and awful truth that hurts

If you absolutely insist on your way or the highway I don't mind. Only one in ten original jokes have legs anyway.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Oct 17 - 09:10 PM

Jack Benny was a complete, unfunny twat. There, that's me exercising my free speech. You can say whatever you like and I don't give a monkeys, but don't expect to get away with your dismal cynicism on what's supposed to be a joke thread. Giving you a bollocking for being incredibly unfunny is not an attack on your free speech. It's just me exercising mine.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 02 Oct 17 - 07:20 AM

You're getting old when:
You drop a coin & check it's value before deciding whether to bend over.

You are old when:
You can't see tell which coin it is at that distance.


Old age: The first time you can't do it a second time.
Real old age: The second time you can't do it a first time.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Oct 17 - 07:33 AM

Billy Connolly's three cardinal rules for the over-60s:

Never pass up an opportunity to have a pee.

Never waste an erection.

Never trust a fart.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Oct 17 - 08:45 AM

So its OK to post heavy metal Comedy Gold and comedy Plutonium?
I'll consider your wrath as part of the fun. Sometimes a great notion
happens but not today.

Tweet ; Trump has warm regards for Los Vegas.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 02 Oct 17 - 11:11 AM

"Los Vegas": Johnny Vegas' new backing group.

Actually "Los Vegas" might be a good name for it (Las Vegas). Only the owners regularly make a profit.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Oct 17 - 02:34 PM

The blind mohel got the sack...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 02 Oct 17 - 04:29 PM

From: Mrrzy - PM
Date: 02 Oct 17 - 02:34 PM

The blind mohel got the sack...


Yeah, the job doesn't pay very well, but you get to keep the tips.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Oct 17 - 04:36 PM

What did the leper say to the whore?

Keep the tip!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Oct 17 - 04:56 PM

Is that a joke?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 03 Oct 17 - 06:17 AM

If a joke doesn't "connect," then maybe it isn't much of a joke.

It is personal. Audiences have a lot of personalities. It depends on the news, like Las Vegas just announced. It depends on the last singers. It depends on the misanthropy of the listener. Maybe the listener isn't much of a listener. It happens. You work with the material and the misanthropes you find.

My GF won't watch Charlie Chaplin or Buster Keaton. I love them. Go figure. I have, she is very sensitive to physical knockabout on film. She laughs when Irish Set "sets" go wrong, I understand her amusement, I am concentrating on why, and generating mnemonics to help. Only then can I laugh, (if I succeed).
It is personal.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies.
E B White

I laughed when I saw on sale - Smart Clothes Pegs. To bring us back on topic ish.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 03 Oct 17 - 06:32 AM

Smart clothes pegs that I had to check.
Yes, Google finds pegs which don't risk rust stains and have wider jaws, and are in bright plastic colours.

But then I saw Peggy a clothes peg which measures temperature & humidity and sends you a text alert to bring the washing in.

so smart clothes pegs is no joke.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 12 Oct 17 - 08:34 AM

"I have been told by secret service that I am being actively attacked by Al Symer. I do not know who Al Symer is, but I will get to the bottom of this."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 12 Oct 17 - 11:15 AM

so smart clothes pegs is no joke

But if the cost is less than a cup of coffee for 10 in a 99p store they are a joke.

Now a Polish joke from the communist shortages era (better as a video but I will paint).

A guy is holding a toilet roll aloft to keep it out of the reach of an adversary. The adversary tries grabbing for a long time saying stuff like "come on now, you have a whole one and that is greedy" (imagine this kind of thing for 2 minutes) then the owner says "but have pity, I have only just got it back from the laundry".

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Oct 17 - 11:25 AM

That reminds me of graffiti seen on the toilet wall of Ratagan youth hostel in 1975: “Economy drive - please use both sides of the paper.”

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 12 Oct 17 - 12:40 PM

I thought I already told this joke here, musta been in a prior year.

So the docter tells the geriatric patient, I've got good news and bad news. Let's hear the good news first, says the patient. OK - you have AIDS. That's the good news? cries the patient. What is worse than that? Well, says the doctor, you have Alzheiner's. Oh, says the patient, well, at least I don't have AIDS.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: DMcG
Date: 12 Oct 17 - 01:51 PM

Ah yes, I well remember the toilets in a Russian town I visited, which were presided over by a solemn babushka-like figure, who traded a single sheet of paper for a few coins.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: BobL
Date: 13 Oct 17 - 03:41 AM

Using both sides of the paper was normal during and post WW2 - and not a problem with the hard toilet paper then in use (you folded it).

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 13 Oct 17 - 06:35 AM

What really bothers me is seeing the words 'Recycled toilet paper' on toilet rolls... like... Who used it the first time~?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Oct 17 - 06:54 AM

Let’s not get bogged down here...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Oct 17 - 06:31 PM

A little girl goes on a train trip with her grandad for a special treat.

She looks out of the window and says, "Ooh look, grandad - moo cows!"

"Ah yes, little girl," says grandad testily, "but that isn't very grown up is it? Just say 'cows,' please."

"Sorry, grandad."

A little while later, she says, "Ooh look, grandad - baa lambs!"

"Yes, very good," says grandad testily, "but that isn't very grown up either, isn't? Just say 'sheep.'"

"Sorry, grandad."

A little while later, grandad says to her, "That looks like a very nice book you're reading there, little girl. What is it?"


"Winnie The Shit, grandad..."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Nov 17 - 08:19 PM

Bloke walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of the front of his trousers.

Barman says to him, hey, mate, there's a steering wheel sticking out of the front of your trousers.

Bloke says, Yeah, I know. It's driving me nuts.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 19 Nov 17 - 09:04 PM

Q. Where do most women have curly hair?
A. In Africa.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Nov 17 - 09:18 PM

Er, right...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 20 Nov 17 - 07:06 AM

My ex stood in front of the full length mirror. She said ' Oh no! My hair is going thin, my forehead is getting creases, my facial skin is starting to sag, I have crows feet round my eyes, My neck is like chicken skin, my breasts are sagging and have stretch marks, my belly has stretch marks too, I have cellulite on my rear end and legs and my toes have gone very crooked. Please tell me something good about me darling' I replied ' Your eyesight is perfect love'

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Nov 17 - 11:26 PM

What happens when a frog parks illegally?

It gets toad.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 23 Nov 17 - 06:12 AM

Your eyesight is perfect love LOTF

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Nov 17 - 07:35 AM

Melody:If I Only Had a Brain (From the Wizard of Oz)
By Whiff; officially premiered at the Eerie (PA) H3 1st Anniversary Hash in July 1994

THE LAST OF THE TOXIC MALE SEX ABUSERS

I could wile away the hours,
Searchin' hills for flowers,

Across a wide terrain. (repeat)

I'd be chipper, and I'd be cheerful,
If my stomach had a beerful,
'Cause I've only half a brain. (repeat)

With my arms and legs akimbo,
I'll be chasing after bimbos,

Through mud, thorns, and rain. (repeat)

I'll be making lots of passes,
As I fondle all their asses,
'Cause I've only half a brain. (repeat)

Chorus: I'll do oxys till me Lungs quit, COUGH
Then I'll fire one up and take a little hit,

I'll impress the women with my charming wit,
As I shout out, "Show us your tits!"

Then my beer I will be sharing,
With them as their breast they're baring,
Our urges unrestrained. (repeat)

Oh, our language will be rude as,

We exchange bod-i-ly fluids,
'Cause we've only half a brain.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Nov 17 - 07:42 AM

From the popular and ever so clever hand of the proper and prim - Hillary Clinton:

'Twas The Night Before Christmas

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the
annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence,
kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this
potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus
musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the
wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure
regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among
whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual
hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through
their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head
coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness
when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended
such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity
from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source
thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing
this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance
without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline
precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian
itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to
behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight
diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule,
aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly
apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his
ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more
vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated
loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and
addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now
Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior
level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the
concatenations of each of the deplorable 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a
180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost
celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He
was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from
oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls
thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the
plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious
cloth basket receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary
dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The
capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with
blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the
coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium,
or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so
much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment
appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey
fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive
of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was
high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region
undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical
container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund,
multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly
frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly
lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to
one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the
aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned
articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously
dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task,
he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in
lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium
forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his
egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then
propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a
musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the
antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a
movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions
of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible
immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of
visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to
that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously
beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and
dawn."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Nov 17 - 10:50 AM

Dreams of the Rich & famous;

Neil Patrick Harris dreams of
Sugar Plum Fairies dancing in his bed.

Judge Roy Moore dreamed
While naked at the alter the little children suffered and came unto thee.

Donald Trump dreams of
putting his feet up at the end of a tiring travel day onto the back of Barak Obama kneeling on all fours

Ivanka dreams of the special place in hell reserved for her dad.


George Lucas musically dreams
We were singin' ...
My my this here Anakin guy
He maybe Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

Sayin' "soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 10 Dec 17 - 10:38 PM

The weather in Alabama should favor Moore... it's supposed to dip into the teens.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 Dec 17 - 06:36 AM

THE POWER OF PRAYER.

Mrs Brown had a wayward parrot,
A pretty young thing called Flo.
Who was always swearing or talking,
In sexual innuendo.
Mrs Brown went for tea with the pastor,
One Sunday evening last year.
Where she saw his old parrot praying,
And it gave her a clever idea.
She asked the pastor at tea time,
Can I borrow your old parrot Rex,
To try to influence my parrot Flo,
Who talks of nothing but sex.
She took Rex home that same evening,
He prayed all the way in the car.
She was so impressed by the old bird,
Whose manners outshone Flos' by far.
But when she put him in Flos' cage,
She realised her greatest fears.
Flo said 'Do you want a bit Rex'?
And Rex said.
'I've been praying for this for years!!!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 11 Dec 17 - 10:03 AM

Introducing a new illumination movie:

DESPICABLE ME 4
Moore.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 12 Dec 17 - 05:04 AM

Jack Benny was a complete, unfunny twat.


Did I say humour was personal or what?

Now would the misanthropes of this parish care to make a joke out of 20 seconds of silence? Jack Benny did, on the radio! OK it predicted on his stage personna of being stingy but in the context it was FUNNY. And it got laughs in three places.

I like intellectual humour, but find there are people out there that just don't get the jokes. And some who kid themselves they are soooooo intellectual that they sort of knew the punchline before it was reached. And Cosmotheka used to tell the same jokes all the time, but you never lost money putting them on!

I bet there are some miseries that wouldn't find Gerrard Hoffnung funny.

I well remember a blind date with a girl who said she was a humourus person, so I said "I am not conceited, but I have every reason to be". She said, in all seriousness, "but that makes you conceited". The blinds went down rather quickly!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 12 Dec 17 - 05:53 AM

That was a snappy comeback, Mr Red!


Does a drive-in cinema have wall to wall car petting?

DC

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Dec 17 - 07:32 AM

"Does a drive-in cinema have wall to wall car petting?"


The new local cinematorium
Is not just a super sensorium
But a highly effectual
Heterosexual
Mutual masturbatorium.