BS: First Joke Thread of 2017

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 10 Apr 17 - 09:57 AM

Speaking of dead comics, Why did no one make tribute to or mention of the ultimate snub by Don Rickles by dying. Are we so PC as to not honor the man who kept his finger on the third rail for over 60 years.
He was known as Mr. warmth who led with making fun of the ugly truth yet he never discriminated. Everyone really wanted to be insulted by Don.

Think about how similar Donald Trump is to Don Rickles, but without the warmth. They are both the Merchant of Venom.

Perhaps dead was the average age of Don's fans but if you ever saw him you know you laughed.

Just incase you are a PC snob, ironically you are so because of Don.

So here is to the real life Mr. Potato Head, Don Rickles, a Kelly hero and a man who made life more fun.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: gillymor
Date: 10 Apr 17 - 10:44 AM

Don, I've known a lot of people who didn't think Rickles was particularly funny, myself included, even before PC became part of the modern lexicon so give the scolding act a rest will ya.
Now, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, THAT'S an insult comic.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: HuwG
Date: 19 Apr 17 - 09:26 AM

This will sadden anyone who appreciates the '60s...

I recently cleared out a lot of Dusty Springfield memorabilia.

Now I don't know what to do with my shelf.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 19 Apr 17 - 09:56 AM

My nephew was on the insult dog show!   But back to jokes.

Q: What do you called a doped-up Pikachu?
A: Tokemon!

(it's about to be 4/20 in the US...)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Apr 17 - 09:33 PM

Creative Justice;

Bill O'Reilly was offered his job back under the condition he acquiesce and be harassed into consummating a sexual liaison with Bertha the 279 lb Fox set furniture mover, with all the female FOX employees watching on closed circuit TV.

He took the golden parachute.




Remember There outta be a law?
How about There outta be Justice?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 Apr 17 - 11:39 PM

OK, the contest was, pick any 2 real or fictional people, and say something about their putative offspring, gender of famous people irrelevant.

My favorite musical one was, the child of Paul Ryan [Obamacare would-be relealer] and Johnny Cash would take away your health care, just to watch you die.

My totally favorite one was, and if you didn't watch the tv show you won't get it, the child of Dick van Dyke and Timothy Leary would always be tripping on the ottoman.

The rest are here, for your amusement.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 01 May 17 - 03:10 AM

Thre domestic science teacher asked the class to bring in something medical for the next lesson.
Little Mary brought in a first aid kit - the teacher said, "that's excellent Mary, just what we wanted"
Tommy brought in a little box containing a selection of things they used to remove splinters - tweezers, a needle, a bottle of TCP, some cotton- wool"
"Excellent, Tommy".
Suddenly, the door burst open and in walked the tearaway of the class wheeling an iron lung.
The teacher and the class where astounded.
"Where on earth did you get that?" asked the teacher
"It's my father's", came the reply.
Didn't he say anything when you took it?", asked the teacher
"Yes sir - aaaaaagggggghhhhhhgg!!"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 01 May 17 - 04:01 AM

Queen Victoria is being conducted around a military hospital on a morale-boosting execrcise during the Crimean War
She arrives at the first bed and asks, "what are you being treated for soldier?"
"Syphilis, ma-am", came the reply.
Unfazed, she asked, "and what treatment are you receiving?"
"The wire brush, ma-am" came the reply.
"and what's your ambition?" she asked.
"To get cured, get back to the war and do my bit for Queen and country, your majesty"
"Very commendable", she said, and moved on.
At the next stop - the same proceedure.
"What are you being treated for?"
"Piles ma-am"
"And what treatment are you receiving?"
"The wire brush ma-am"
"And what's your ambition?"
"To get cured, get back to the war and do my bit for Queen and country, your majesty"
"Very commendable"
Next bed
"What are you being treated for?"
"Pyorrhea of the gums ma-am"
"And what treatment are you receiving?"
"The wire brush ma-am"
"And what's your ambition?"
"To get ttreated before those other two dirty bastards ma-am", came the reply
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 May 17 - 12:10 AM

Darling, my gynecologist says I can't have sex for a week!

-What did your dentist say?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 May 17 - 10:33 AM

... and your proctologist?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 05 May 17 - 07:21 PM

A Young Australian man takes a job as a shearer on a remote station in the Outback
After a few weeks he was doing fine except he was beginning to miss female company, so he mentioned it to his mates one morning
"What do you do for women around here?"
"Not much you can do mate; if you get really desperate, try the sheep".
He ignores the advice, and decides to knuckle down to the job, until after another few weeks he's beginning to climb the walls.
He says, "You don't really do it with the sheep' do you?"
Course we do mate, how do you think we survive?"
"But don't people laugh at you".
"Nah mate", it's a problem we all have".
So he asks his neighbour how he goes about it.
"Well, you climb into the pen, pick the one you fancy and get on with it".
"And nobody laughs?"
"We told you, we all do it mate".
So he does as advised, grabs a sheep and starts to relieve the pressure.
When he's finished, he turns around and all his mates are rolling about pointing and laughing at him.
"but you told me you all did it", he says.
"Yeah, we do, but did you have to pick the ugliest one?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 06 May 17 - 08:49 PM

In the good old days, the _Vulgarian Digest_ made up a letters column, which contained the following exchange:

Dear Appie: Is it best to approach a sheep from behind, or to roll it over and lay on top?
Deprived

Dear Depraved: Is the sheep male or female? And for that matter, are you male or female?

*

An Australian sailor, in a red-light district for the first time, met a lady who met his advances more than half way. She took him up to her room, and then ducked into the bathroom to powder her nose. When she came out, she found that he had piled all the furniture in one corner. When she expressed surprise, he explained: "I'm from outback, and I don't know much about women, but if it's anything like kangaroos we'll need all the room we can get."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 May 17 - 06:00 PM

"I didn't see you at camouflage training this morning."
"Thank you, sir!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 08 May 17 - 06:55 AM

Ernie was admitted to his care home many years ago. He had for those many years talked about his sexual desires not being met or encouraged and most people thought it to be a joke. He was a very pleasant mannered man and very easy going. Always sympathetic towards the staff and helpful when he could be with the residents. He was an eighty nine year old, still talking about his lack of sexual activity, when his ninetieth Birthday came along. The staff got together to try to arrange something they thought he would really appreciate. One ingenious member of staff suggested that they hire a 'strippogram' lady, to give him a thrill on his big day and this quickly became an established idea. The Senior, contacted a lady who advertised locally and the scene was set. On his big day, Ernie was conveniently sat at a table, across from the main door to the dining room, where his party was being held. As his Birthday cake was being brought around and the wine and sherry distributed, the music started and Ernie looked up to see where it was coming from, only to see a scantily clad woman crossing the floor towards him. She moved quickly to where Ernie was sat and pranced sexily round him, for a few minutes, until the music stopped. She looked him straight in the eyes and he very loudly asked ''What do you want''?..... She smiled a broad sexy smile and replied ''I've come to give you Supersexxxxxxxxx''!!!!. He paused for a few seconds then replied '' I think I'll have the soup''.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 16 May 17 - 08:11 AM

The thing about communism jokes is that everybody gets them.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 16 May 17 - 09:08 AM

AP: according to 172 witnesses President Trump shot a man in the middle of 5th Ave. The man was charged with obstruction of bullet and impeding traffic. President Trump tweeted "I did not shoot that man, it is a fake shooting, I was only checking to see if my gun was loaded."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 16 May 17 - 09:06 PM

"Waiter, come here and taste this soup."
"Where's the spoon?"
"A-HA!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 16 May 17 - 10:42 PM

Joe_F, now, that was a fun movie.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 17 May 17 - 06:03 PM

Mrrzy: I didn't realize it was from a movie. Marx Brothers, at a guess.

Two old Jews sit down in a deli. One orders a glass of tea. The other says, "I'll have a glass of tea too, and make sure the glass is clean." So the waiter comes back with two glasses of tea & asks, "Which one wanted the clean glass?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Norval
Date: 17 May 17 - 10:03 PM

Man walks into the barbershop, sits down in the chair and the barber asks,
"How do you want your haircut?"
The man says, " I would like the sideburns one high and one low, a few long
hairs sticking out of the back and a few chunks on the side and top."
The barber looks puzzled and says, "I'm not sure I can do that."
The customer says, "Why not, you did it that way last time."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 18 May 17 - 01:49 PM

Mr. Spicer, President Trump is angry over which hunt?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 18 May 17 - 01:58 PM

Spicer: Yes he is.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 18 May 17 - 02:02 PM

Reporter: What?

Spicer: Second base

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 May 17 - 08:28 PM

Shamelessly nicked from today's Guardian, and Lenny Bruce for that matter.

The Lone Ranger and his faithful sidekick Tonto are surrounded by Injuns and facing certain death.

The Lone Ranger says, "This time, old friend, it looks like we're finished."

Tonto replies, "What's with the 'we,' white man?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 18 May 17 - 09:06 PM

(Trump under oath)
Mueller: President Trump, was there collusion with Russia?

Donald: There was no co-illusion

Mueller: what was that?

There was no conclusion
:again please
There was no coal fusion
:could you speak into the mike?
There was no coal lit Shaun
:Please, was there collusion yes or no?
There was no collision
:I will ask you one last time!
There was um, confusion with Russia

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 May 17 - 06:33 AM

I've just been reading about crime in multi-storey car parks. It seems wrong on so many different levels.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 23 May 17 - 08:02 AM

Man goes to get his hair done and the barber asks how he wants it cut.
"In silence" cam the reply.

reputedly said by Enoch Powell (controversial UK politician of the 60s-80s)

also documented as a Roman joke.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jun 17 - 09:55 AM

Not a joke exactly, but in keeping with the spirit. Handed over my loyalty card at Morrisons this morning and the checkout machine churned out a voucher for a "free regular hot drink* from your Café."


*not valid online


'Ave a word, Dave!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jun 17 - 05:43 PM

Q. How do you turn a duck into a country singer?

A. Put it in the microwave until its bill withers.




I'll get me coat...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 02 Jun 17 - 08:57 PM

A Jew was sitting on a bus, and he noticed that the black man next to him was reading a Yiddish newspaper. Eventually he could not contain his curiosity, and he said, "Excuse me, sir, I know it's none of my business, but are you actually Jewish?"

"This I need too?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 03 Jun 17 - 09:06 AM

In the run up to WW2, the Pope and Stalin held a secret meeting on Lake Galilee to discuss the threat of fascism looming over the world
They sat with their representatives in a small boat in the middle of the lake and debated furiously until the Pope decided he wanted a pee, so he climbed out of the boat, walked across the surface of the lake and relieved himself under the nearest tree.
Determined not to be outdone, shortly afterwards Stalin followed suit, clambered over the side of the boat and sank like a stone and was quickly hauled to safety.
A couple of hours later the Pope was taken short again and repeats his performance - shortly after, Stalin, tries to emulate his performance and has to be hauled out again.
The third time this happened the Pope says, "for ***** sake, show him where the stepping stones are before he drowns himself"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 03 Jun 17 - 01:16 PM

A young lad is on a cruise with his parents when the ship runs into a mighty storm and goes down
He clings to a piece of wreckage and eventually finds himself washed ashore on an idyllic island - the sole survivor.
He finds there is plenty of fruit to be had and a ready supply of spring water, fo me manages to build himself a shelter of sorts and take care of himself.
No-one comes to rescue him and he is there for years, growing into a fit and healthy young man
As he matures, he begins to be aware of his body, particularly his penis, which has him completely puzzled because of all it's apparently uncontrollable idiosyncrasies
He begins to explore all its possibilities and finds that as he sits on the shore and allows it to dangle down, if he tenses his muscles he can flick the pebbles with it.
He practices and practices - first a few inches, then a foot, then two foot, then a yard.... until he discovers he can sit a fair distance and flick them into the sea.
One day he is totally engrossed in his game when he looks up to find a beautiful, scantily-clad young woman, another survivor of another shipwreck watching him curiously.
"What are you doing?" she asks.
He explains at length (so to speak) telling her how he has increased his ability over the years.
"That's an awful waste", she says, let me show you what to do with it - and she throws of what clothes she had on, sits down beside him and begins to work on him until they both fall onto the sand and make passionate love.
"There", she gasps, "when they've finished, "what do you think about that?"
"Very interesting", he replies, "but I suppose you know you've totally ruined my flicker".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: gillymor
Date: 03 Jun 17 - 01:39 PM

Steve, your Bill Withers joke was pretty good in spite of the high corn factor but I don't think anyone over here thinks of him as a country singer. R&B or Soul singer maybe but he was kind of hard to categorize.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: BobL
Date: 03 Jun 17 - 06:49 PM

A later version of the stepping-stones story, featuring the three party leaders of the time, ended:
Major: "Tony, shouldn't we have told Paddy about the stepping-stones?"
Blair: "What stepping-stones John?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jun 17 - 08:04 PM

I know, gillymor. I know absolutely nothing about Bill Withers and I relayed the joke exactly as it was told to me! 😳

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Jul 17 - 10:33 PM

When do musicians break into song?

Only when they can't find the key!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Jul 17 - 06:55 AM

Young man went to see the doctor.

After a little while the doc said to him, "You're going to have stop masturbating."

"What! Why, doc?!"

"Because I'm trying to examine you..."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 16 Jul 17 - 08:32 AM

Did you know that Beethoven was so deaf he thought he was a painter
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 17 Jul 17 - 06:03 AM

A teacher walks into class and finds a turd in the middle of the floor in the front of the class
Horrified, he hurriedly wipes it up and gets on with the lesson
The following two days he finds similar "messages" left on the floor
Then, on the fourth day, when he finds yet another, he says, "I'm going to draw the blinds and turn the lights out when I turn them on again, if the culprit hasn't written an apology on the blackboard I will keep the entire class in for the period of a whole month".
He does so, and when he turns the light on, he sees a steaming turd in the middle of the floor and a message scrawled on the blackboard, "The phantom arsehole strikes again"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 17 Jul 17 - 06:57 AM

It was one of those days. I saw my wife bent over the freezer with a juicy bit of leg showing above her stockings, when that feeling came and I grabbed her. Made wonderfully passionate love to her from the back........ I am never going to do it again though!!!!!! It wasn't a nice position over the freezer... and besides... we're not allowed back into that supermarket again!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Jul 17 - 07:27 AM

Reminds me of one of the oldest of the lot:

"What's you opinion of sex on the television?"

"Bloody uncomfortable, actually..."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jul 17 - 07:58 AM

ignore one law ignore them all

Who knew high treason is a big deal?

"I do not recall anything I knew"
- actual quote from witness in Trump Investigation

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jul 17 - 09:11 AM

there is nothing more painful than a huge expanding probe.

the taint on Robert Mueller has grown to a full 10 inches.

why we haven't heard from Donald Jr. is a long fake snooze.

It takes a lawyer: "There is nothing wrong with high treason in a broken political system that needs to be drained, suctioned and vetted by Secret Service in perfectly normal oppositional research meetings."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 17 Jul 17 - 10:02 AM

A group of farmers in a taverna in a small town on the Mexican border were discussing the exploits of the notorious outlaw, 'Pedro the Bandit'
After a while, one of them turned to a stranger sitting quietly in the corner and said, "Have you heard of Pedro the Bandit stranger?"
"Have I heard of Pedro the Bandit, he replied, "only last week I was riding in the mountains when a man clothed head to foot in black jumped out from behind a rock, pointed a gun and said "put up your hands" - I had no gun so what could I do; I put up my hands".
Then he said "hand over all your money" - I had no gun so I handed over my money.
Then he said, "drop your trousers" - what could I do, I dropped my trousers
He said, "shit" - he didn't have to tell me twice, I shit.
"Now", he said, "eat it" - I feared for my life sir so I ate it.
Then for a second the man looked the other way, so I grabbed his gun, pointed it at him and said "put up your hands".
I had a gun, he had none, so he put up his hands
"Hand over all your money", I said - he could not resist - he handed over all his money.
"Now" said, Drop your trousers" he didn't hesitate, he dropped his trousers
Then I told him, "shit" - he was half-way there already - he shat
"Now" I told him "eat it" - you'd think he hadn't eaten for a weak - he ate it all up.
"Have I heard of Pedro the Bandit - didn't I just have lunch with him only last week?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jul 17 - 02:02 PM

More captions;

Here is our real Bastille prison cell please go in and look around
SLAM

This list is endless, you don't need a hitman you need an Army
I got one, actually I got two.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Jul 17 - 11:59 AM

A few of my favorite songs:

I Want a Man with a Small Hand; Wake Me Up in Mar-a-Lago; Tweet, Tweet Tweedle le Tweet Rockin Donald, I'm so Indicted!; Putin on a Blitz; Ain't No Sunshine When I'm Gone; Elderly golf carts, We Warm the World; Secretary of Edukashun; Tronald Dump and Clillary Hinton; Deleter of the Fact; Fired is the Hardest Word; The Brain-Mouth Connection; Trump Acres; Hello, Is It Pee You're Looking For? Miss you niverse. ; Faking stuff is hard to do.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 19 Jul 17 - 05:36 PM

A cat is snoozing on a bar, and a couple of Mexicans are boasting about how macho they are. One of them says "My cock is longer than that cat's tail." At length, so to speak, the bartender is persuaded to find a ruler & measure the cat's tail while the customer drops his pants. He then proceeds to the customer, who protests: "Just one moment. Where did you measure the cat's tail *from*?" "From the asshole." "Kindly do me the same favor."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Andrez
Date: 19 Jul 17 - 07:51 PM

Three months ago I put out a call for actually funny jokes in this thread. Seems like nothing has improved just the same smutty, unfunny meaningless drivel and a great loss to the brilliance of contributions to this joke thread in past years. On current form there doesn't seem like anything to encourage new readers or contributions. Sigh!

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Jul 17 - 08:36 PM

I take your post as a cri de couer, Andre. Much of the input to this thread perplexes me in a most unfunny way. By way of retribution, here's an old one, one of Tommy Cooper's best:

My wife rang me last night.

She said, "I think there's water in the carburettor."

I said, "Where's the car?"

She said, "In the river..."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Jul 17 - 08:39 PM

Sorry, that was meant to be Andrez! 😳