BS: First Joke Thread of 2017

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Sep 17 - 04:33 PM

Young Donald 'Hellboy' Trump loved his bike, candy and TV. One day in Queens a Puerto Rican boy stole Donald's bicycle. Donald swore revenge against the boy and his whole family. There came a day when that revenge could be served cold to the entire Island of PR. Weeks after Donald had done his worst by doing nothing a young Puerto Rican boy cleverly cut and diverted Donald's WiFi. Without a release of Donald's never ending urge for revenge on Twitter, he exploded, firing his whole family. They say his last words were "Redshwin phantom"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Sep 17 - 07:14 AM

I thought there were three kinds of people in this world, those who are good at arithmetic and those who aren't.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 30 Sep 17 - 06:29 AM

Yes but..................
I would have constructed a radio button with an agree text - you still have to telegraph the punchline. On-line that is. A shaggy dog story - verbally - is a different animal.

Anyway

There are two sorts of people in this world is even funnier as you read down.

My version is:
There are two sorts of people in this world -
1) Those that divide the people in this world into two sorts, and.....

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 29 Sep 17 - 08:59 AM

Mr. Red, the joke was that the executive order was identical to a software contract everyone scrolls to the end to click yes
I should have adjusted font size to unreadably small
another clue, trump is the 45th and final potus.

Conjugate TRUMP : Tripe Tramp Trump

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Sep 17 - 08:33 AM

You can't be voted the third worst prime minister when you've never been one. And, increasingly, the joke will be on people like you who treat Corbyn as a joke. It was that attitude that lost May her majority. You Tories never learn. Now tell us something funny.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 29 Sep 17 - 05:14 AM

Women shall be required to bow in a backward position to the President LOL

But Donuel isn't brevity the soul of wit?



At the Stroud Folk Festival the Ale House has an endless variety of beers, and one Cider but one Perry. So I said to the barmaid:

"pour a pint of Pickled Parrot Perry please"

She laughed anyway.

And the perry was rather delectable.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Sep 17 - 12:50 PM

Happy birthday Pollyanna, happy birthday to yuooo!
Here this is for you
Oh what is it Pandora?
Its a box
I can't wait to open it.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Iains
Date: 28 Sep 17 - 04:55 AM

Corbyn has just been voted the third worst PM after don't know!

In a recent poll as to who would make the best Prime Minister:
Theresa May 37%
Don't Know 34%
Corbyn      29%

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Sep 17 - 12:41 PM

Trump orders a simple request to the NFL:







his Executive Order (the "Agreement") states the terms and conditions that govern the contractual agreement between the NFL having his principal place of business at [New York New York], and Donald J. Trump having its principal place of business at White House Pennsylvania Avenue Washington DC agrees to be bound by this Agreement.
WHEREAS, the NFL is described in further detail on Exhibit A, and the NFL is a contractor with whom the Client has come to an agreement to This Executive Order .
NOW, THEREFORE, In consideration of the mutual covenants and promises made by the parties to this Agreement, the President and the NFL (individually, each a "Party" and collectively, the "Parties") covenant and agree as follows:

T H E   E X EC U T I V E   O R D E R:

The NFL hereby engages the President and hereby agrees to be engaged by the President TO ALLOW NO; fan, spectator, attendee, employee, Team member- ball player or owner to kneel during the observation and performance of the National Anthem in accordance with the specifications attached hereto as Exhibit A (the "Specifications"). Locking arms as a demonstration of any kind is temporarily excluded from this agreement.


a. The NFL shall complete This Executive Order according to the milestones described on the form attached hereto as Exhibit B. In accordance with such milestones, the final action punishable by Exhibit C shall be delivered to the NFL by 30 days

a.1 Men shall be required to bow in a forward position to the President. Women shall be required to bow in a backward position to the President.

b. For a period of 30 days after delivery of This Executive Order , the NFL shall provide the attention to answer any questions or assist solving any problems with regard to the operation of This Executive Order free of charge and billed to the NFL at a rate of $100 per hour for any assistance thereafter. The NFL agrees to respond to any reasonable request for assistance made by the President regarding This Executive Order within 30 days of the request.
c. Except as expressly provided in This Executive Order , the President shall not be obligated under this Agreement to provide any other support or assistance to the NFL.
d. The PRESIDENT may cancel this Executive Order at any time upon material breach of the terms herein and failure to cure such a breach within 30 days of notification of such a breach.
e. This Executive Order shall provide to the NFL after the Delivery Date, a cumulative [TIME FRAME] of training with respect to the operation of This Executive Order if requested by the NFL.
DELIVERY. This Executive Order shall function in accordance with the Specifications on or before the Delivery Date.
a. If This Executive Order as delivered does not conform with the Specifications, the NFL shall within 30 days of the Delivery Date notify the President of the United States in writing of the ways in which it does not conform with the Specifications. The President agrees that upon receiving such notice, it shall make reasonable efforts to correct any non-conformity.
b. The NFL shall provide to the President written notice of its finding that This Executive Order conforms to the Specifications within 30 days of the Delivery Date unless it finds that This Executive Order does not conform to the Specifications as described in Section 2(A) herein.
COMPENSATION. In consideration for the Service, the NFL shall pay the President at the rate of $100 per hour (the "Hourly Rate"), with a maximum total fee [ EXHIBIT D ] for all work under This Executive Order. Fees billed under the Hourly Rate shall be due and payable upon the Developer providing the Client with an invoice. Invoices will be provided for work completed by the developer once every [PAY PERIOD].


CHANGE IN SPECIFICATIONS. The Client may request that reasonable changes be made to the Specifications and tasks associated with the implementation of the Specifications. If the NFL requests such a change, the Developer will use its best efforts to implement the requested change at no additional expense to the Client and without delaying delivery of This Executive Order . In the event that the proposed change will, in the sole discretion of the Developer, require a delay in the delivery of This Executive Order or would result in additional expense to the NFL, then the NFL and the President shall confer and the may either withdraw the proposed change or require proposed change and subject to the delay and/or additional expense. This Executive Order agrees and acknowledges that the judgment as to the NFL shall not disclose to any third party the business of the NFL, details regarding including, without limitation any information regarding the Software's code, the Specifications, or the Client's business (the "Confidential Information"), (ii) make copies of any Confidential Information or any content based on the concepts contained within the Confidential Information for personal use or for distribution unless requested to do so by the NFL, or (iii) use Confidential Information other than solely for the benefit of the President of the United States.
PRESIDENTIAL WARRANTIES. This Executive Order represents and warrants to the NFL the following:
a. Development and delivery of This Executive Order under this Agreement is not in violation of any other agreement that the President has with another party.
b. This Executive Order excludes the civil rights of any other party.
c. For a period of 100 years after the Delivery Date, This Executive Order shall operate according to the Specifications. If This Executive Order malfunctions or in any way does not operate according to the Specifications within the NFL is excluded from and against all lawsuits and costs of every kind pertaining to This Executive Order including reasonable legal fees due to This Executive Order infringement of the civil rights of any third party.
By way of example, in the event any third party sues the US Government in This Executive Order , the complainant will cover all court and legal costs in such an action.

NO MODIFICATION UNLESS IN WRITING. No modification of this Agreement shall be valid unless in writing and agreed upon by both Parties.
APPLICABLE LAW. This Executive Order and the interpretation of its terms shall be governed by and construed in accordance with the laws of the State of Florida and subject to the exclusive jurisdiction of the federal and state courts located in [Palm Beach], [Florida].
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, each of the Parties has executed this Executive order Agreement, both Parties by its duly authorized officer, as of the day and year set forth below
President of the United States
Donald J. Trump
Commander and Chief

This Executive Order (the "Agreement") states the terms and conditions that govern the contractual agreement between the NFL having his principal place of business at [New York New York], and Donald J. Trump having its principal place of business at White House Pennsylvania Avenue Washington DC agrees to be bound by this Agreement.
WHEREAS, the NFL is described in further detail on Exhibit A, and the NFL is a contractor with whom the Client has come to an agreement to This Executive Order .
NOW, THEREFORE, In consideration of the mutual covenants and promises made by the parties to this Agreement, the President and the Client (individually, each a "Party" and collectively, the "Parties") covenant and agree as follows:

This Executive Order: The NFL hereby engages the President and hereby agrees to be engaged by the President to allow no; fan. attendee, employee, Team member-ball player or owner to kneel during the observation and performance of the National Anthem in accordance with the specifications attached hereto as Exhibit A (the "Specifications").
a. The NFL shall complete This Executive Order according to the milestones described on the form attached hereto as Exhibit B. In accordance with such milestones, the final action punishable by Exhibit C shall be delivered to the NFL by 30 days [FINAL DELIVERY DATE] (the "Delivery Date").
b. For a period of 30 days after delivery of This Executive Order , the NFL shall provide the attention to answer any questions or assist solving any problems with regard to the operation of This Executive Order free of charge and billed to the NFL at a rate of $100 per hour for any assistance thereafter. The NFL agrees to respond to any reasonable request for assistance made by the President regarding This Executive Order within 30 days of the request.
c. Except as expressly provided in This Executive Order , the President shall not be obligated under this Agreement to provide any other support or assistance to the NFL.
d. The Client may terminate this Software Development Agreement at any time upon material breach of the terms herein and failure to cure such a breach within 30 days of notification of such a breach.
e. This Executive Order shall provide to the NFL after the Delivery Date, a cumulative [TIME FRAME] of training with respect to the operation of This Executive Order if requested by the NFL.
DELIVERY. This Executive Order shall function in accordance with the Specifications on or before the Delivery Date.
a. If This Executive Order as delivered does not conform with the Specifications, the NFL shall within 30 days of the Delivery Date notify the President of the United States in writing of the ways in which it does not conform with the Specifications. The President agrees that upon receiving such notice, it shall make reasonable efforts to correct any non-conformity.
b. The NFL shall provide to the President written notice of its finding that This Executive Order conforms to the Specifications within [TIME FRAME] days of the Delivery Date unless it finds that This Executive Order does not conform to the Specifications as described in Section 2(A) herein.
COMPENSATION. In consideration for the Service, the NFL shall pay the President at the rate of $100 per hour (the "Hourly Rate"), with a maximum total fee [ EXHIBIT D ] for all work under This Executive Order. Fees billed under the Hourly Rate shall be due and payable upon the Developer providing the Client with an invoice. Invoices will be provided for work completed by the developer once every [PAY PERIOD].


CHANGE IN SPECIFICATIONS. The Client may request that reasonable changes be made to the Specifications and tasks associated with the implementation of the Specifications. If the NFL requests such a change, the Developer will use its best efforts to implement the requested change at no additional expense to the Client and without delaying delivery of This Executive Order . In the event that the proposed change will, in the sole discretion of the Developer, require a delay in the delivery of This Executive Order or would result in additional expense to the NFL, then the NFL and the President shall confer and the may either withdraw the proposed change or require proposed change and subject to the delay and/or additional expense. This Executive Order agrees and acknowledges that the judgment as to the NFL shall not disclose to any third party the business of the NFL, details regarding including, without limitation any information regarding the Software's code, the Specifications, or the Client's business (the "Confidential Information"), (ii) make copies of any Confidential Information or any content based on the concepts contained within the Confidential Information for personal use or for distribution unless requested to do so by the NFL, or (iii) use Confidential Information other than solely for the benefit of the President of the United States.
PRESIDENTIAL WARRANTIES. This Executive Order represents and warrants to the NFL the following:
a. Development and delivery of This Executive Order under this Agreement is not in violation of any other agreement that the President has with another party.
b. This Executive Order excludes the civil rights of any other party.
c. For a period of 100 years after the Delivery Date, This Executive Order shall operate according to the Specifications. If This Executive Order malfunctions or in any way does not operate according to the Specifications within the NFL is excluded from and against all lawsuits and costs of every kind pertaining to This Executive Order including reasonable legal fees due to This Executive Order infringement of the civil rights of any third party.
By way of example, in the event any third party sues the US Government in This Executive Order , the complainant will cover all court and legal costs in such an action.

NO MODIFICATION UNLESS IN WRITING. No modification of this Agreement shall be valid unless in writing and agreed upon by both Parties.
APPLICABLE LAW. This Executive Order and the interpretation of its terms shall be governed by and construed in accordance with the laws of the State of Florida and subject to the exclusive jurisdiction of the federal and state courts located in [Palm Beach], [Florida].
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, each of the Parties has executed this Executive order Agreement, both Parties by its duly authorized officer, as of the day and year set forth below
President of the United States
Donald J. Trump
Commander and Chief

addendum: EXHIBIT D shall remain classified, secret and confidential under penalty of law/

click here to accept---> I______I

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Andrez
Date: 27 Sep 17 - 08:08 AM

Good one Donuel!

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Sep 17 - 11:07 PM

You just declared war
No I didn't
Yes you did
when ?
just then
That wasn't a declaration
what was "you won't be around much longer?
That was an exclamation.
So you exclaimed?
yes
So you did declare war.
No I didn't
Yes you did
when ?
just then...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 25 Sep 17 - 07:48 PM

"old maid in the garret?""
There was once a middle aged unmarried lady living alone in her garret with just her tom-cat for company -
Each night she fed the cat, had her meal and curled up on the sofa with a book until it was bedtime
One warm night she was standing by the open window and sighing out loud - "I wish I had a nice young man to keep me company, I get very lonely here"
By chance, her fairy godmother was passing and, seeing the lady's unhappiness, took out her wand, pointed it at the cat curled up on the sofa and "FLASH" - it turned into a beautiful young man
The lady was ecstatic, she gave the handsome young man a drink and told him that, if he waited she would make him a delicious meal
Sure enough, she put together a superb dinner, laid the table - wine - candles - the lot
They sat down and tucked in, drank the wine and settled back on the couch, replete
After a minute she snuggled up to him and began to stroke his face, closer, closer.... finally she threw her arms around him and kissed him - he drew back
"What's the matter" she said?
"Well" he said, "it seems you've forgotten that operation you sent me for"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Sep 17 - 07:16 PM

The Devil formed a commission in hell that decides who deserves a personalized or a generic hell. There have already been meetings regarding Trump's upcoming status. Rumor has it that Trump will be the quarterback for the New England Patriots with McConnel as center Ryan as halfback and a Democratic front line.

Donald, welcome to the NFHell ! SMASH BASH CRACKLE GUSH

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 Sep 17 - 10:08 AM

"If I can't get a man, then I'll have to get a carrot...
And it's o, dear me, how will it be if I die an old maid in the garret?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 25 Sep 17 - 06:31 AM

True story
When I finished my apprenticeship as an electrician I got a job with Liverpool Housing Department doing maintenance
In the office a framed letter from a lady customer hung on the wall reading, "Please send man - have been using candles all week"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Sep 17 - 06:14 AM

image: Trump with obvious broken and bleeding nose
caption: Welcome to the NFL!

btw
(some of us remember trump funding the now defunct USFL)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 25 Sep 17 - 04:42 AM

As I was hurrying to a Irish session a lass was sweeping the carpark of a shop.
Says I (one minute later, unfortunately)

"Don't sweep it under the car, pet"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Sep 17 - 11:46 AM

Which reindeer scares dinosaurs?







... guess first ...






Comet!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Sep 17 - 11:42 AM

Russia 45   - Trump 0

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Sep 17 - 11:15 AM

Donald Trump 2   - NFL 7

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Sep 17 - 11:54 AM

sign in Maryland yard:

THE SUN IS A HOAX
    at night

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 20 Sep 17 - 06:02 PM

On a questionnaire: Sex (M/F)?
Reply: I prefer to F, but mostly have to M.

On another questionnaire: Use of alcoholic beverages: (1) never, (2) occasionally, (3) frequently, (4) to excess.
Reply: (2) and (4).

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 19 Sep 17 - 09:48 PM

It may just be the placebo talking, but I don't feel any effect at all.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Sep 17 - 03:34 PM

Another witty bit of van graffiti, scrawled on an extremely dirty white van: "Also available in white."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 19 Sep 17 - 03:13 PM

Not so much van graffiti, but a sign spotted on a builders lorry some years ago -

Singh Brothers - Builders
Fed up with the cowboys - try the Indians

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Sep 17 - 12:58 PM

I have a half twin in Puerto Rico. He is addicted to placebos. If he could quit it really wouldn't matter.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Sep 17 - 07:51 PM

Two shamelessly nicked from Tim Vine's Radio 4 show this evening.

Priscilla, having fished Elvis out of the swimming pool for the tenth time, asks him, "Elvis, why do I have to keep rescuing you from the pool?"

He replies, "I can't help falling in, love..."




"I went to the fairground today and went on a ride. While I was on there, half the time I was laughing my head off and half the time I was in floods of tears.

It was an emotional roller-coaster..."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Sep 17 - 03:56 AM

My favourite bit of van graffiti was scrawled in tne dirt on the back of a van in Bristol "I wish my wife was this dirty." As we were stuck in a traffic jam I was able to get a photo!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 12 Sep 17 - 03:50 AM

On that theme -
What is the difference between light and hard?

Well you can go to sleep with the light on.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 12 Sep 17 - 03:37 AM

Saw a piece of graffiti painted in large letters on the back of an English van in Galway yesterday
"A hard-on does not count as personal growth"
Left me smiling all day
Jim Caaarroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 07 Sep 17 - 04:40 PM

"I've come to talk to you about Dog"

Did you hear about the dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac?

He lay awake all night wondering if there really was a Dog.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Sep 17 - 10:12 AM

My camping thing theme's was $mas, and I learned this joke:

So these three drunk guys are driving home after a late, late Christmas Eve, and they crash and wind up at the pearly gates with an impatient Peter who just wants to get back to the party, but is feeling expansive. Show me one Christmas thing and you're in, he says. So the first guy takes a lighter out, lights it, and exclaims Christmas lights! and is waved in. The second guy takes out his car keys, shakes them and cries, Christmas bells! and gets waved in. The third guy whips out a pair of panties and waves them. What are those? asks Peter.

Oh, these are Carol's!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: frogprince
Date: 21 Aug 17 - 09:22 PM

Robbie Wilson, am I reading that wrong? A trumpet isn't a weed instrument.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: RobbieWilson
Date: 21 Aug 17 - 04:13 PM

An old Scottish one; Did you hear about the trumpeter who found a weed in his garden?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 21 Aug 17 - 02:57 AM

A knock on the door and standing there are two pooches, one with a briefcase under his arm. The other speaks:




"I've come to talk to you about Dog"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Aug 17 - 10:49 AM

Bee-dubya-ell this ones for you! What did Delaware boys?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Aug 17 - 10:04 AM

Mr. Woody Allen thank you so much for seeing me, it is an honor.

Well I heard your unusual screenplay has potential.

Honestly that's a first, When Steven Spielberg heard it was about gassing people in large chambers he wouldn't see me and when Quenton Tarantino heard it was about gassing Nazis but they became nice he canceled and when Ridley Scott was told the emergent Nazis did not eat people he never called back.

What is it that the Nazis do exactly.

After they are gassed with Oxytocin they marry Asians, blacks and minorities...by the way it is a Jew who gasses the Nazis.

Your movie is greenlighted!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Aug 17 - 11:49 AM

In defeat Nixon made his famous speech
"You're not going to have Richard Nixon to kick around anymore"
In defeat Trump may indeed say
"You're going to have Donald Trump to stick around forevermore"
"The Gulf of Mexico is now the Gulf of Trump."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Aug 17 - 09:30 AM

Reporter: What would Armageddon look like in Korea?

General McMasterace: Well it would not be the holocaust people imagine. 10 or 20 million in collateral damage tops. There would be no Armageddon.

Reporter: Then what would it be?

General McMasterace:
It would be more like a, like a kitty cataclysm.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 14 Aug 17 - 08:14 AM

Here are two 'folk jokes' we included in our cassette album ".... and That's My Story", issued by the Vaughan Williams Memorial Library sometime in the 1980s
Jim Carroll

THREE OLD MINERS Dick Beamish Pontypridd (?), Glamorgan, Wales
Well, er, you see the miner's life is a mixture, like it is in every other phase of life, a mixture of tragedy and humour; and I don't think you'll find anywhere where humour is richer in character than it is in our industry.
Here's a story of the three old miners who had retired. One was well over seventy, the other one was eighty some odd and the oldest was ninety-six. And they were in the eventide of their life; summertime, sitting on the council seat enjoying the sunshine, watching the traffic going back and fore, and they suddenly discussed how they'd like to die.
The youngest, now, of the trio was well over seventy. He said, "Well boys bach," he said, "I've been watching these red sport cars," he said, "that these youngsters have got, travelling back and fore." he said. "I don't know nothing about cars," he said, "but I'd like to get into one of those." he said, "rev up," he said, "that's what I think they call it; sixty, seventy, eighty miles an hour, bang into a lamp post, everything at an end," he said. "That's the way I'd like to die." "What about you, John?" he said, now, the one who was over eighty, now, the second oldest of the trio.
"Well, boys," he said, "I'm a bit more modem than you are," he said. "I've been reading about these sputniks. I would like to volunteer to go into one of those sputniks," he said. "They tell me they go up into the sky. thousands of miles," he said. "I'd like to be up there," he said, "ten thousand miles up, something go wrong with the works, explosion, everything finished: that's the way I would like to go out," he said.
Now the oldest of the trio of these old miners, he w as ninety-six. So they said to him. "You're silent, Robert; haven't you eot some suggestion how you would like to die?"
"Ha, boys," he said, "I've been listening to you two here. Do you know the way I'd like to go out?" he said.
"No, Robert, which way would you like to die?"
"Well, boys, bach, to tell you the truth," he said, "I'd like to be shot by a jealous husband!"
Recorded by Ewan MacColl, Peggy Seeger and Charles Parker, 1961

THE LION TAMER Bob Cann South Tawton, Devon, England
There was this farmworker, you see, out on Dartmoor. He had seven kids, poor sod. Just down the road was another bloke; he had seven kids. The only difference between the two, the bloke down the road was on the dole, the social security, and he was picking up more money than this poor sod working on the farm.
So one day he thought to himself, "If I had the sack, I should be better off." So when he went to work Monday morning the farmer set him out in the field spreading heaps of dung and he went to sleep beside hayrick. This went on with three or four days, you see. So one afternoon the farmer thought he would go and see how he was getting on. When he gets out to the other one, a heap of dung had been spread and he found him asleep. So he kick him in the boots and woke him up and told him to come in and get his cards. So he went in and got his cards.
But the trouble was, you see, the next day he had to go to the labour exchange to sign on. And on the way in, he thought to himself, "Well, I must be clever here, because if I say I'm ... he'll sure to ask me what my occupation is, and if I say I'm a farmworker, there's plenty of farm work about and he'll put me on a farm again."
So off he goes into the office, the bloke behind the office, and he looks up and he says, "Good morning, what can I do for you?"
He says "I'm come in to sign on."
"Oh yes," the bloke said. "In case a job comes up for you, what's your occupation?"
"Oh," he said, "I'm a liontamer."
The bloke said, "What a coincidence," he said. "Yesterday the circus moved into town and the liontamer got mauled by a lion and he's in hospital. Here's your green card, and you go down and take the job."
Couldn't do nothing about it so away he goes down. When he gets there, there was the ringmaster outside the ... outside the cage, you see, and the old bloke was shaking like hell.
And he said, "Well," he said, "I don't think I shall be any good with this job because I can see they lions don't know me, they don't like me."
"Oh," he said, "you'll get used to it after a few mauls and scratches." "Well," he said, "you'll have to tell me what to do."
Well the old bloke said, the old ringmaster said, "That's easy," he said. "All you- do," he says, "you put your hand down, catch hold of a lump of meat," he said, "and throw in over the cage." He said, "You slide open the cage door," he said, "and make sure to slide the cage door shut behind thee," he said, "and make sure never to take your eyes off a lion else he'll have 'ee."
"Oh Christ," he said. "I've got to do..."
"Oh yes," he said.
"Well," he said, "what do I do then?"
Well he said, "You creep over," he said, "grab the meat and pull it away from the lion."
"Christ," he said. "What the hell do I do then?"
"Well," he said, "you'll find the lion coming towards thee, very gently. Then he's a-just about to pounce at 'ee."
"Well," he said, "what the hell do I do then?"
"Well," he said, "you go backwards," he said, "and you'll finish with your back up against the cage," he said, "and just before the lion's going to jump, pounce at thee," he said, "you keep your eye on the lion," he said, "but put your hand down," he said, "pick up a lump of dung and throw it right in his face."
"Oh," he said, "oh," he said, "no, oh," he said, "that's all right," he said, "but suppose there ain't no dung down there?"
He said, "There will be."
Recorded by John Howson, 1987

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Aug 17 - 07:14 AM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9ODULb_dyo

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 14 Aug 17 - 06:00 AM

why did the troll cross the road?












he didn't, you can't get shot of the buggers!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 13 Aug 17 - 06:59 PM

You can safely tell this one to a ten-year-old:


What US state is named for a beverage?







Minne-soda.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Aug 17 - 06:34 AM

A Yorkshireman's wife sadly passes away. He decides to have the words 'She Were Thine' engraved on her headstone.

He calls the mason, explains what he wants, then goes to see the stone a few days later. He takes one look and to his horror, finds the mason has engraved 'She Were Thin.'
He yells at the mason,: "You've left bloody e out, yer daft bugger! Where's bloody e?"

The mason apologises profusely, and assures the widower it'll be right on the day.

The day of the funeral comes. The mourners leave the church and head out to the graveyard. There they see the pristine headstone, upon it inscribed:

"Eee, She Were Thin."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Aug 17 - 10:34 PM

Most assuredly we are all chums Saul. I've been watching a comedy retrospective. The only truth is change, and truth is funny.
The most unfunny topic is describing why something is funny.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: saulgoldie
Date: 07 Aug 17 - 12:14 PM

Not all that calls itself "humor" or "funny" is. Or at least, not to everyone of every culture of every time period, of every land mass. I have sat through at least several "comedy shows" that absolutely were not. To me, anyway. But others laughed. And some of the pretenders on stage were actually traveling professionals who obviously had some fans.

And some times, I have heard jokes performed that I remember from a bygone era. Funny then, or maybe not. BUT the audience there (now), or at least a number of folks there had not heard these jokes, and laughed raucously.

So here's me, just hoping that we can have a peaceful joke thread where people enjoy what they can and ignore what they can't. Just like in real life where we take beauty and other wonderful things where and how we experience them, and pass by what does not please us.

Thenk yew.

Saul

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 06 Aug 17 - 05:37 PM

A visiting General was due to make an inspection at an army camp. The squaddies had been hard at it polishing, painting and cleaning. When the General came over the hill, he saw the whitewashed buildings and polished brass fittings gleaming in the sunlight. Far from being pleased, he took the Commanding Officer to task for making the camp such an obvious target for the enemy. He ordered the camp to be repainted in camouflage colours before his next visit.

When he returned the next month, he was amazed to find a pastoral scene where the camp should have been - fields of wheat, sheep on the hillside, cows in the pasture, a thatched cottage with a wisp of smoke coming from the chimney.
He had to check his map to make sure he was in the right place. As he made his way towards where thought the gate should be, a tree suddenly ran out in front of his car.
"STAND STILL!" he yelled. The tree came to an abrupt stop, standing to attention and giving a smart salute.
"Do you realise that you have given away an almost perfect deception? Explain yourself!"

"Sorry sir" said the tree. "When a bird made a nest in my hair and laid an egg down the back of my shirt, I stood there for Queen and country."
"When a dog cocked its leg and peed down my leg, I stood there for Queen and country"
" but I draw the line when a squirrel runs up my trousers and shouts: " oh goody, nuts. I'll have one now and save one for winter"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Aug 17 - 02:26 PM

Why ?   Is it feeding time for trolls?
I only post original crap in which a few good pictures evolve.
As a political cartoonist its what I know.

In all honesty Steve you are a mixed bag of nuts and 'nutrolls'.
As I said humor is regional and writing new humor is hard.
It has to be performed to know if its funny or not.
On a stereotypic average, with the exception of favorites like Cashew Cleese and the gang of Monty Macadamia nuts, Americans find English humor silly and a dry bitter nut to chew. Personally I have never even heard of German humor.
Olde Tymey Irish stories are of course immortal.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Aug 17 - 12:46 PM

Prove I'm a troll. Post something genuinely rib-tickling, Donuel. Bet you can't.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Aug 17 - 11:35 AM

Humor is political, local, regional or by gender but personally I like grabbing humor by the country.

memo from Mitch: Sorry about the tumor but we need tu mor votes.

Democrats suck so bad at branding compared to Republican trumped up phrases, that they think it's cruel and inhumane.

The People vs. Human Beings

Trump is a man of the people - Obama was a human being
The People vs. Human Beings - Trump's next lawsuit.
People are shitheads - Humans are eggheads
The People watch football - Humans love Baseball
People love hate - Humans hate those People

100 more...