BS: First Joke Thread of 2017

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Dec 17 - 07:32 AM

"Does a drive-in cinema have wall to wall car petting?"


The new local cinematorium
Is not just a super sensorium
But a highly effectual
Heterosexual
Mutual masturbatorium.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 12 Dec 17 - 05:53 AM

That was a snappy comeback, Mr Red!


Does a drive-in cinema have wall to wall car petting?

DC

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 12 Dec 17 - 05:04 AM

Jack Benny was a complete, unfunny twat.


Did I say humour was personal or what?

Now would the misanthropes of this parish care to make a joke out of 20 seconds of silence? Jack Benny did, on the radio! OK it predicted on his stage personna of being stingy but in the context it was FUNNY. And it got laughs in three places.

I like intellectual humour, but find there are people out there that just don't get the jokes. And some who kid themselves they are soooooo intellectual that they sort of knew the punchline before it was reached. And Cosmotheka used to tell the same jokes all the time, but you never lost money putting them on!

I bet there are some miseries that wouldn't find Gerrard Hoffnung funny.

I well remember a blind date with a girl who said she was a humourus person, so I said "I am not conceited, but I have every reason to be". She said, in all seriousness, "but that makes you conceited". The blinds went down rather quickly!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 11 Dec 17 - 10:03 AM

Introducing a new illumination movie:

DESPICABLE ME 4
Moore.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 11 Dec 17 - 06:36 AM

THE POWER OF PRAYER.

Mrs Brown had a wayward parrot,
A pretty young thing called Flo.
Who was always swearing or talking,
In sexual innuendo.
Mrs Brown went for tea with the pastor,
One Sunday evening last year.
Where she saw his old parrot praying,
And it gave her a clever idea.
She asked the pastor at tea time,
Can I borrow your old parrot Rex,
To try to influence my parrot Flo,
Who talks of nothing but sex.
She took Rex home that same evening,
He prayed all the way in the car.
She was so impressed by the old bird,
Whose manners outshone Flos' by far.
But when she put him in Flos' cage,
She realised her greatest fears.
Flo said 'Do you want a bit Rex'?
And Rex said.
'I've been praying for this for years!!!!!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 10 Dec 17 - 10:38 PM

The weather in Alabama should favor Moore... it's supposed to dip into the teens.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Nov 17 - 10:50 AM

Dreams of the Rich & famous;

Neil Patrick Harris dreams of
Sugar Plum Fairies dancing in his bed.

Judge Roy Moore dreamed
While naked at the alter the little children suffered and came unto thee.

Donald Trump dreams of
putting his feet up at the end of a tiring travel day onto the back of Barak Obama kneeling on all fours

Ivanka dreams of the special place in hell reserved for her dad.


George Lucas musically dreams
We were singin' ...
My my this here Anakin guy
He maybe Vader someday later - now he's just a small fry
And he left his home and kissed his mommy goodbye
Sayin' "soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

Sayin' "soon I'm gonna be a Jedi"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Nov 17 - 07:42 AM

From the popular and ever so clever hand of the proper and prim - Hillary Clinton:

'Twas The Night Before Christmas

'Twas the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the
annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence,
kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this
potential, including that species of domestic rodent known as Mus
musculus. Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the
wood burning caloric apparatus, pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure
regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among
whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of St. Nicholas.

The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective
accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual
hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through
their cerebrums. My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head
coverings, were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness
when upon the avenaceous exterior portion of the grounds there ascended
such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity
from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source
thereof.

Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing
this fenestration, noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance
without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline
precipitation, might be said to rival that of the solar meridian
itself - thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to
behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance drawn by eight
diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer, piloted by a minuscule,
aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly
apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller. With his
ungulate motive power travelling at what may possibly have been more
vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vociferated
loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and
addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen - "Now
Dasher, now Dancer..." et al. - guiding them to the uppermost exterior
level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the
concatenations of each of the deplorable 32 cloven pedal extremities.

As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a
180-degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved - with utmost
celerity and via a downward leap - entry by way of the smoke passage. He
was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebony residue from
oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls
thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the
plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious
cloth basket receptacle.

His orbs were scintillant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary
dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability. The
capillaries of his malar regions and nasal appurtenance were engorged with
blood which suffused the subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the
coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the latter that of the Prunus avium,
or sweet cherry. His amusing sub- and supralabials resembled nothing so
much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment
appeared like small, tabular and columnar crystals of frozen water.

Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose grey
fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive
of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly. His visage was wider than it was
high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region
undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical
container. He was, in short, neither more nor less than an obese, jocund,
multigenarian gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly
frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being. By rapidly
lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head slightly to
one side, he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.

Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the
aforementioned appended hosiery with various of the aforementioned
articles of merchandise extracted from his aforementioned previously
dorsally transported cloth receptacle. Upon completion of this task,
he executed an abrupt about-face, placed a single manual digit in
lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium
forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his
egress by renegotiating (in reverse) the smoke passage. He then
propelled himself in a short vector onto his conveyance, directed a
musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the
antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a
movement hitherto observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions
of a common weed. But I overheard his parting exclamation, audible
immediately prior to his vehiculation beyond the limits of
visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to
that self same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously
beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and
dawn."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Nov 17 - 07:35 AM

Melody:If I Only Had a Brain (From the Wizard of Oz)
By Whiff; officially premiered at the Eerie (PA) H3 1st Anniversary Hash in July 1994

THE LAST OF THE TOXIC MALE SEX ABUSERS

I could wile away the hours,
Searchin' hills for flowers,

Across a wide terrain. (repeat)

I'd be chipper, and I'd be cheerful,
If my stomach had a beerful,
'Cause I've only half a brain. (repeat)

With my arms and legs akimbo,
I'll be chasing after bimbos,

Through mud, thorns, and rain. (repeat)

I'll be making lots of passes,
As I fondle all their asses,
'Cause I've only half a brain. (repeat)

Chorus: I'll do oxys till me Lungs quit, COUGH
Then I'll fire one up and take a little hit,

I'll impress the women with my charming wit,
As I shout out, "Show us your tits!"

Then my beer I will be sharing,
With them as their breast they're baring,
Our urges unrestrained. (repeat)

Oh, our language will be rude as,

We exchange bod-i-ly fluids,
'Cause we've only half a brain.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 23 Nov 17 - 06:12 AM

Your eyesight is perfect love LOTF

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Nov 17 - 11:26 PM

What happens when a frog parks illegally?

It gets toad.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 20 Nov 17 - 07:06 AM

My ex stood in front of the full length mirror. She said ' Oh no! My hair is going thin, my forehead is getting creases, my facial skin is starting to sag, I have crows feet round my eyes, My neck is like chicken skin, my breasts are sagging and have stretch marks, my belly has stretch marks too, I have cellulite on my rear end and legs and my toes have gone very crooked. Please tell me something good about me darling' I replied ' Your eyesight is perfect love'

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Nov 17 - 09:18 PM

Er, right...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Joe_F
Date: 19 Nov 17 - 09:04 PM

Q. Where do most women have curly hair?
A. In Africa.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Nov 17 - 08:19 PM

Bloke walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of the front of his trousers.

Barman says to him, hey, mate, there's a steering wheel sticking out of the front of your trousers.

Bloke says, Yeah, I know. It's driving me nuts.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Oct 17 - 06:31 PM

A little girl goes on a train trip with her grandad for a special treat.

She looks out of the window and says, "Ooh look, grandad - moo cows!"

"Ah yes, little girl," says grandad testily, "but that isn't very grown up is it? Just say 'cows,' please."

"Sorry, grandad."

A little while later, she says, "Ooh look, grandad - baa lambs!"

"Yes, very good," says grandad testily, "but that isn't very grown up either, isn't? Just say 'sheep.'"

"Sorry, grandad."

A little while later, grandad says to her, "That looks like a very nice book you're reading there, little girl. What is it?"


"Winnie The Shit, grandad..."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Oct 17 - 06:54 AM

Let’s not get bogged down here...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 13 Oct 17 - 06:35 AM

What really bothers me is seeing the words 'Recycled toilet paper' on toilet rolls... like... Who used it the first time~?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: BobL
Date: 13 Oct 17 - 03:41 AM

Using both sides of the paper was normal during and post WW2 - and not a problem with the hard toilet paper then in use (you folded it).

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: DMcG
Date: 12 Oct 17 - 01:51 PM

Ah yes, I well remember the toilets in a Russian town I visited, which were presided over by a solemn babushka-like figure, who traded a single sheet of paper for a few coins.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 12 Oct 17 - 12:40 PM

I thought I already told this joke here, musta been in a prior year.

So the docter tells the geriatric patient, I've got good news and bad news. Let's hear the good news first, says the patient. OK - you have AIDS. That's the good news? cries the patient. What is worse than that? Well, says the doctor, you have Alzheiner's. Oh, says the patient, well, at least I don't have AIDS.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Oct 17 - 11:25 AM

That reminds me of graffiti seen on the toilet wall of Ratagan youth hostel in 1975: “Economy drive - please use both sides of the paper.”

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 12 Oct 17 - 11:15 AM

so smart clothes pegs is no joke

But if the cost is less than a cup of coffee for 10 in a 99p store they are a joke.

Now a Polish joke from the communist shortages era (better as a video but I will paint).

A guy is holding a toilet roll aloft to keep it out of the reach of an adversary. The adversary tries grabbing for a long time saying stuff like "come on now, you have a whole one and that is greedy" (imagine this kind of thing for 2 minutes) then the owner says "but have pity, I have only just got it back from the laundry".

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 12 Oct 17 - 08:34 AM

"I have been told by secret service that I am being actively attacked by Al Symer. I do not know who Al Symer is, but I will get to the bottom of this."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 03 Oct 17 - 06:32 AM

Smart clothes pegs that I had to check.
Yes, Google finds pegs which don't risk rust stains and have wider jaws, and are in bright plastic colours.

But then I saw Peggy a clothes peg which measures temperature & humidity and sends you a text alert to bring the washing in.

so smart clothes pegs is no joke.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 03 Oct 17 - 06:17 AM

If a joke doesn't "connect," then maybe it isn't much of a joke.

It is personal. Audiences have a lot of personalities. It depends on the news, like Las Vegas just announced. It depends on the last singers. It depends on the misanthropy of the listener. Maybe the listener isn't much of a listener. It happens. You work with the material and the misanthropes you find.

My GF won't watch Charlie Chaplin or Buster Keaton. I love them. Go figure. I have, she is very sensitive to physical knockabout on film. She laughs when Irish Set "sets" go wrong, I understand her amusement, I am concentrating on why, and generating mnemonics to help. Only then can I laugh, (if I succeed).
It is personal.

Analyzing humor is like dissecting a frog. Few people are interested and the frog dies.
E B White

I laughed when I saw on sale - Smart Clothes Pegs. To bring us back on topic ish.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Oct 17 - 04:56 PM

Is that a joke?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Oct 17 - 04:36 PM

What did the leper say to the whore?

Keep the tip!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 02 Oct 17 - 04:29 PM

From: Mrrzy - PM
Date: 02 Oct 17 - 02:34 PM

The blind mohel got the sack...


Yeah, the job doesn't pay very well, but you get to keep the tips.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Oct 17 - 02:34 PM

The blind mohel got the sack...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 02 Oct 17 - 11:11 AM

"Los Vegas": Johnny Vegas' new backing group.

Actually "Los Vegas" might be a good name for it (Las Vegas). Only the owners regularly make a profit.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Oct 17 - 08:45 AM

So its OK to post heavy metal Comedy Gold and comedy Plutonium?
I'll consider your wrath as part of the fun. Sometimes a great notion
happens but not today.

Tweet ; Trump has warm regards for Los Vegas.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Oct 17 - 07:33 AM

Billy Connolly's three cardinal rules for the over-60s:

Never pass up an opportunity to have a pee.

Never waste an erection.

Never trust a fart.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 02 Oct 17 - 07:20 AM

You're getting old when:
You drop a coin & check it's value before deciding whether to bend over.

You are old when:
You can't see tell which coin it is at that distance.


Old age: The first time you can't do it a second time.
Real old age: The second time you can't do it a first time.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Oct 17 - 09:10 PM

Jack Benny was a complete, unfunny twat. There, that's me exercising my free speech. You can say whatever you like and I don't give a monkeys, but don't expect to get away with your dismal cynicism on what's supposed to be a joke thread. Giving you a bollocking for being incredibly unfunny is not an attack on your free speech. It's just me exercising mine.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Oct 17 - 08:08 PM

Whatdoyousay you accept creative eclectic points of view and allow free speech Steve?

Or we could escalate joke challenges which might elevate creativity into a spiraling joke war, I won't be sore. Comedy Feuds have been very funny. The first one I remember was Fred Allen and Jack Benny.

We have angry comics insult comics and your fault comics
You have your hard edge comics, sex comics, complex comics
Political comics hypocritical comics inimical comics and jerks
gross out comics horror comics and awful truth that hurts

If you absolutely insist on your way or the highway I don't mind. Only one in ten original jokes have legs anyway.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Oct 17 - 08:07 PM

Stop being wry, Donuel. This is a joke thread, not an outlet for your cynicism. There are plenty of other threads available for that. Give us a laugh instead.

I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Oct 17 - 06:07 PM

America will entertain itself to death until the power goes off.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Oct 17 - 04:33 PM

You're a beacon of sanity, Raggytash. Let's save this thread from the wry!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Raggytash
Date: 01 Oct 17 - 03:45 PM

There is a fundimental difference between American humour and UK humour, I was saying to the wifes sister in bed this morning there's too much happiness in the world.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Oct 17 - 12:08 PM

same old jokes, same old boobs and Lionel trains.


[stuff intended for kids but Steve plays with them]

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Oct 17 - 07:34 AM

As long as they're actual laughs and not just fodder for knowing smirkiness. The almost-objective fact is that the jokes I've put here are ten times funnier than any of your obscurantist and rather cynical essays. Life is a vale of tears and so PLEASE may we have just one thread reserved for good old belly-laughs. And one more thing. If I see the word "Trump" in a so-called joke I just know that the thing will be totally bereft of any quality even remotely resembling humour.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Oct 17 - 06:53 AM

The formulaic go to hell story was a peace offering rather than an ambition to make Steve pee his pants.

Personally I like darker non PC guilty laughs from George Carlin, Mel, Jeff Jefferies, Gahan Wilson or Methandra Kalimothorzi.

Ah if only I could go back to the days when a 'itty bitty witty ditty did it for me'

like Steve.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 01 Oct 17 - 06:44 AM

Yeah, right. If a joke doesn't "connect," then maybe it isn't much of a joke. To me there isn't much humour in the smirky, dry cynicism we've seen a fair bit of in this thread.


The phone rang so I picked it up and said, "Who's speaking, please?" A voice said, "You are."

I went to the station ticket booth and asked for a return ticket. The man asked me, "Where to?" I said, "Here."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 01 Oct 17 - 05:22 AM

not raising a laugh here

speaking personally, humour is such a personal thing, and I laugh with the person not at them. I'm eclectic that way. When I used to write humorous songs I reckoned that only half the jokes would connect. That is half the people, or half the time - never failed. So I tended to do lots of jokes - that way the re-telling was still funny.

Back on topic

How many ceilidh callers does it take to change a lightbulb ?







Just on more couple .............

And ceilidh dancers?

None. Every time you circle left - it falls out.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: DMcG
Date: 01 Oct 17 - 03:00 AM

I wouldn't call them jokes, but there is an orthopaedic centre near us which is forever putting up posters that raise a smile with me. For example, they had a diagram of a skeleton headed 'PAIN!' in jagged lettering, then labels drawn to various parts of the skeleton labelled 'head', 'knee', 'arm' etc. It is encouraging that they know where the head and knee are, but there is no actual promise to be able to treat anything.

The current one is the statement 'Relieving pain improves your life', which I could hardly take much issue with.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Sep 17 - 09:09 PM

Yeah well your dense postings may have some clout in other threads but you are not raising a laugh here. American-style dry cynicism may make a few burnt-out cynics chortle your end but it's just abject here and we wonder why you bother. I'll tell you what: here's a joke or three.

I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it down.

I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said 'Analogue?'
I said 'No, just a watch.'

The recruitment consultant asked me 'What do you think of voluntary work?
I said 'I wouldn't do it if you paid me.'

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Sep 17 - 06:44 PM

Sorry Jared but you have been judged to go to hell. As a consolation by a loving God you may pick what ever conveyance you choose to make your long journey to hell. How would you like to go?
I will take a stretch limo full of beautiful women and liquor.
down the road he goes.
Sorry Donald but you have been sentenced to hell but you may choose how you would like to travel there.
I'll take my private jet.
into the sky he flew.
Sorry Steve but you are going to hell. But you may choose how you would like to make your journey to hell.
I would like to take a Wonderful Cruise Ship with never ending banquets and friends playing music that is docked in the middle of Kansas pulled by a hundred snails.
The ship couldn't budge.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Sep 17 - 04:40 PM

Any chance of an actual laugh on this thread, anyone? I thought that's what it was for!


A man walks into a greengrocer's shop and says, I want five pounds of potatoes please.

The greengrocer says, sorry sir, it's kilos now.

So the man says, all right then, I'll have five pounds of kilos please.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Sep 17 - 04:38 PM

others disagree and say his last words were 'Redskin anthem'.