BS: First Joke Thread of 2017

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: BobL
Date: 20 Jul 17 - 03:31 AM

At least it didn't come out as Andrex...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Ernest
Date: 20 Jul 17 - 04:15 AM

or - even worse - Andrax....

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Jul 17 - 08:12 AM

Take heart Andrez there will be no more pictureless cartoon captions, American pop song jokes, skit humor or 'Which hunt' jokes from my occasional brain farts. The last thing we need is a fist fight on a joke thread although that too is funny. If Steve Shaw doesn't get a joke, or if the laughometer falls below 5 the attempted criminal joke should be expunged. Mods are well practiced at this.

I will get back to reading World History by Donald Trump, who has made America into the biggest joke in the world.

You may have your world of classical kid jokes, dick jokes, wife jokes and fuck jokes for eternity. Its true current events have no longevity.

I assure you, all will be well again my son.
Go in piss.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Jul 17 - 08:12 AM

Very soon I shall be sojourning in the Andarax valley in Andalucía. Ahhhh!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Andrez
Date: 20 Jul 17 - 09:09 AM

You heard my cri de couer right Steve. Your follow on joke gives a whole new meaning to the word car-go-hydrate.....   So heres a couple o quickies as payback. Sorry if you've heard 'em before ;-)
.......

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".

The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"
...............

The seven dwarfs went off to work in the mine one day, while Snow White stayed at home to do the housework and cook their lunch. However when she went to the mine to deliver their lunches, she found there had been a cave-in, and there was no sign of the dwarfs.

Tearfully she yelled in to the mine entrance: "hello - is anyone there. Can anyone hear me".

A voice floated up from the bowels of the mine: " Australia will win the Rugby World Cup"

"Thank god" said Snow White "at least Dopey's still alive"!

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Jul 17 - 01:28 PM

Pay back, Retribution and Revenge - is this the premise of your high quality jokes of yesteryear?

For the English to make fun of your Irishmen and Australian is jolly good fun but it does little for Americans.

Don't let your jokes be a guilty pleasure, go for the jugular.
Joke about your Muslim Gays and Poles.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Jul 17 - 06:57 PM

Poles??

I met a man at the Olympic park who was carrying a long stick.

I asked him, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

"No," he replied, "I'm German. But how did you know my name was Walter?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Andrez
Date: 21 Jul 17 - 01:06 AM

If people want to go for the jugular please just go buy a copy of any publication from the Murdoch press and enjoy the reading otherwise please just have some fun with words, ideas and jokes in this thread.

No need for special koalafications to do so, they are all irrelephant here, wit and humour are the only prerequisites along with the understanding that you can please some of the people some of the time but you can't ...........

Not too sure where I came across this one but its always been a favourite of mine too in so many ways:

"Due to the high cost of energy the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off".

Cheers,

Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Jul 17 - 06:28 AM

While Investigations continue into the first joke thread, legal council has determined everyone is entitled to a full pardon for a   modest fee.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Andrez
Date: 21 Jul 17 - 08:59 AM

Further to the above, m'lud:

"It is axiomatic in government that hornets' nests should be left unstirred, cans of worms should remain unopened, and cats should be left firmly in bags and not set among the pigeons. Ministers should also leave boats unrocked, nettles ungrasped, refrain from taking bulls by the horns, and resolutely turn their backs to the music."

Wot say you?

Cheers,

Andez

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Jul 17 - 09:27 AM

I say keep the elephant out of the room.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: saulgoldie
Date: 21 Jul 17 - 12:43 PM

Andrez

Justincase you haven't already discovered this in yer travels...most threads I have ever seen here and elsewhere have a little drift. And not all the posts are always "the best post you ever read" even if it is dead on target. I have found some of the jokes in this year's joke thread funny or not-so-funny, or even "meh." So what? No one died, and no one went to jail.

So my advice, which is usually ignored, despite the great wisdom therein, is to...take a slow breath. Take another one. And another one, still. Real sloooow; real loooong. Andif you find the "funny content" in this thread is too low, then...howabout go listen to or play a song!

Saul

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Jul 17 - 03:05 PM

Always good to hear from Saul. Two Sauls with a glass of Goldie is good for heartburn and insomnia.

It is axiomatic in politics that indignation be canned, cards should race, mirrors should smoke, lies should be bald faced, pens be poison, justice obstructed and the ignored vote.

for an instant post I give this a solid meh. Its your jobe to punch up stuff with potential and steal it. Show me Mel Brooks first draft and I'll show you meh plus.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Jul 17 - 03:16 PM

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.

My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him "Don't be Sicily."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Jul 17 - 05:50 PM

What do you call Postman Pat when he's on his holidays?






Pat.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Jul 17 - 07:56 PM

If they ever invent a humorometer what degrees will it display?
(top to bottom)
You die from not being able to take a breath by laughing too hard
Teary eyed uncontrolled laughter
Screaming laugh
huge smiling laugh
lol
smile only
head nod
meh .....................
grimace
shake head no
get up to leave
angry heckle
vomit
Honor killing of the Comic
A Trump reaction to Impeachment

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 22 Jul 17 - 03:26 AM

A Japanese man living in London goes into the doctor complaining of flatulence
The doctor says, "flatulence is not really a serious problem and can probably be cured by something you can getr from your local chemist"
The man says, "this is different", bends over and lets out a loud fart - "Honda"
"That is odd", says the doctor, "drop your trousers and bend over".
He examines the man for a few minutes, pokes around and shines a torch up his backside, and finally says, "you have an abscess".
"What difference does that make" says the man
"Well over here we have an old saying; abscess makes the fart go Honda" came the reply
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Jul 17 - 12:29 PM

"Proud To Be An American" tune parody

If tomorrow all the billionaires I'd worked for all my life,
Owned all the cash and slaves including my children and my wife.
I'd thank President Trump and Putin, who are here to stay
Where the red white and blue stands for Russia and the USA

And I'm proud to be a Russian asset, cause I know who to obey.
And I won't forget, the votes suppressed that brought us this doomsday.
And I'd gladly stand up next to you and defend Donald today.
'Cause there ain't no doubt I love his land, God bless the rich man's way

From the camps in Vladivostok to nuke plants of Tennessee,
Across the crust of Texas, from seas to shining sea,

From Norlands to the North pole and Moscow to LA,
There's pride in all our oligarchs who we won't betray,
So it's time to stand and salute:

I'm proud to be a Russian Asset cause I know who to obey.
And I won't forget the men who tried and took our rights away.
And I'd gladly stand up next to you and defend Putin today.
'Cause there ain't no doubt I love his land! God bless the rich man's way.

And I'm proud to be a Russian Asset, cause I know who to obey.
And I won't forget the men who tried and took our rights away.
And I'd gladly stand up... next to you and defend her still today.
'Cause there ain't no doubt I love his land God bless the rich man's way.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: michaelr
Date: 22 Jul 17 - 08:19 PM

A couple sits watching a program about Conflicting Emotions.

Guy says, "I think that's nonsense. What could you possibly say to me that would make me feel good and bad at the same time?"

Gal looks at him and says, "Compared with all your friends, you have the biggest dick."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Jul 17 - 12:22 AM

I am reminded of the scotswomen who, coming home with their washing, find a drunk passed out in a ditch, his kilt up over his face. One woman looks over and says, At least it's not my husband! Another looks over and says, you're right, he's not your husband! And a third looks over and says, He's not even from our village!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 23 Jul 17 - 03:28 AM

A polceeman walking along the street sees a man with his finger up the backside of another who has his trousers down to his ankles.
"'Ello, 'ello, 'ello - what are you two men doing", he says
"My mate's had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him sick"
"You'll never make him sick like that"
"I will when I put this finger in his mouth" came the reply
Same scenario - this time the unconscious man is lying flat on his back and his mate is blowing into his penis
"What do you think you're doing?"
"He's drunk and he passed out and I'm giving him the 'Kiss of life'.
"Shouldn't that be mouth-to-mouth?
"Have you smelt his breath?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Jul 17 - 06:55 AM

My doctor asked me ''Do you smoke after intercourse''~? I had to answer ''I'm sorry but I never looked''

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Jul 17 - 09:52 AM

That was CORN KNEE

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Jul 17 - 02:04 PM

There is money to made in a grave
When paternity suits are the rave
They say Dali's a daddy
by a lass not a laddie
She has never been taught how to shave

chorus:
Genes decide a suit of paternity
at least they say it outta
Dali's moustache of eternity
looks just like the one on his daughter.

There is money to made in a grave
When paternity suits are the rave
They say Dali's a daddy
by a lass not a laddie
She has never been taught how to shave

dh

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Jul 17 - 08:51 PM

excuse the edit

There is money to made in a grave
When paternity suits are the rave
They say Dali's a daddy
by a lass not a laddie
But no one taught her to shave

chorus:
Genes decide the paternity
at least they say it outta
Dali's moustache of eternity
looks just like the one on his daughter.

There is money to made in a grave
When paternity suits are the rave
They say Dali's a daddy
by a lass not a laddie
But no one taught her to shave

They say she may be a bit daffy
Her wrist watch is salt water taffy
When it gets hot it drips to her crotch
And her face turns suddenly happy

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 Jul 17 - 07:32 AM

...it drips to her crot-
Chand her face... Lehrer would love that rhyme.

True story:   Saw a guy with a banjo at a winery. I said Oh, I didn't know there was going to be a bonfire!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: saulgoldie
Date: 28 Jul 17 - 10:27 AM

OK, OK, I got it! How bout...

He/she/it so ***.
How *** is he/she/it?
He/she/it so *** that...

Like: It's so cold.
How cold is it?
It's so cold that when you pour the whiskey, it freezes before it hits the glass.
And the logger put on his vest, etc.
(Not so funny; just an example.)


I'll start.
How deep in over his head is Trump?
He's in so deep over his head that if he used the last precious few breaths of air in his oxygen tank to go straight to the surface, he'd get a terminal case of the bends!

So, anyone?

Saul

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Jul 17 - 10:35 AM

He is so crazy
How crazy is he?
He is so crazy that when Charles Manson hears the latest Trump fiasco Charlie covers his face in his hands and is heard to say "Oh dear Lord."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 Jul 17 - 01:32 PM

Picard's ego is large.
How large is it?
It's so large, Temba's arms cannot open wide enough...

(ducking and running for cover)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Black belt caterpillar wrestler
Date: 28 Jul 17 - 05:02 PM

I was just driving home past the local tanning parlour and noticed two ladies standing outside smoking.

I thing they have the sunbeds on the wrong setting.

Robin

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: saulgoldie
Date: 01 Aug 17 - 11:37 AM

Not a joke!

Comedians are aghast that "Mooch" is gone so quickly. They were hoping to be able to milk that one for at least a couple months, during which time, certainly something else would rear its ugly head. Honestly, Trump has no sympathy for struggling comedians, whatsoever!

Saul

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 02 Aug 17 - 02:42 AM

put out a call for actually funny jokes in this thread.

well intellectual jokes you want?

A gladiator went into a bar in downtown Rome. "I'll have a Martinus, barman"
Barman - "Don't you mean a Martini?"
Maximus Glutimus - "If I wanted a double, I would ask for one!".

&

A guy working in a limestone quarry got fed up of being showered in dust so decided to improve himself at university and read Greek literature.
That went "from sub lime to read Aeschylus"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Aug 17 - 05:28 AM

A Chinese man ran a takeaway in Soho - next door was a strip club run by a Greek
Every night the strip club owner would come in after he had closed his club and ask for - "a chicken flied lice please"
This angered the Chinese man to the extent that he took a crash course in English and stood for hours in front of the mirror carefully pronouncing "Chicken fried rice - chicken fried rice
One night the Greek came in, and asked, as usual, for "a chicken flied lice please"
The Chinese man carefully responded, "don't you mean chicken fried rice, you Gleek plick?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Aug 17 - 05:28 AM

A Chinese man ran a takeaway in Soho - next door was a strip club run by a Greek
Every night the strip club owner would come in after he had closed his club and ask for - "a chicken flied lice please"
This angered the Chinese man to the extent that he took a crash course in English and stood for hours in front of the mirror carefully pronouncing "Chicken fried rice - chicken fried rice
One night the Greek came in, and asked, as usual, for "a chicken flied lice please"
The Chinese man carefully responded, "don't you mean chicken fried rice, you Gleek plick?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Aug 17 - 05:38 PM

in Chicago right off the Magnificent Mile, Trump Tower scrapes the clouds.
They say on a clear day from the top of Trump Tower you can see Russia.
On cloudy days you still see Russians.


(I wrote and used this in Chicago)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Aug 17 - 06:15 PM

I wish to speak. Cri de couer if you like. When I read a post in a joke thread I want to laugh. Life is a vale of tears. Please only post genuinely funny things!

So here's a Tommy Cooper one or two.


My wife complained that her feet hurt. I said: "You've got your shoes on the wrong feet." She said: "But these are the only feet I've got."



I went to the doctor. He said "Say 'ahh.'"

I said "Why?"

He said " Because my dog's just died."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Fossil
Date: 05 Aug 17 - 09:58 PM

The Admiral was visiting one of his ships. When having tea he noticed that every biscuit had the ship's insignia embossed on it. He is impressed and calls the cook to ask him how he does this.

Cook: "When rolling the biscuits I slap each one onto my belt buckle before putting them in the oven".
Admiral: "That's pretty unhygienic!"
Cook: "In that case sir, I'd suggest you skip the doughnuts!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Aug 17 - 10:00 AM

The cry from your heart is troll BS. The jokes that you steal are all like nutritious turds high in fiber. You think they are funny but you are still eating the same ol' shit. Try something delicious for a change, like Jeff Jefferies.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Aug 17 - 11:35 AM

Humor is political, local, regional or by gender but personally I like grabbing humor by the country.

memo from Mitch: Sorry about the tumor but we need tu mor votes.

Democrats suck so bad at branding compared to Republican trumped up phrases, that they think it's cruel and inhumane.

The People vs. Human Beings

Trump is a man of the people - Obama was a human being
The People vs. Human Beings - Trump's next lawsuit.
People are shitheads - Humans are eggheads
The People watch football - Humans love Baseball
People love hate - Humans hate those People

100 more...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Aug 17 - 12:46 PM

Prove I'm a troll. Post something genuinely rib-tickling, Donuel. Bet you can't.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Aug 17 - 02:26 PM

Why ?   Is it feeding time for trolls?
I only post original crap in which a few good pictures evolve.
As a political cartoonist its what I know.

In all honesty Steve you are a mixed bag of nuts and 'nutrolls'.
As I said humor is regional and writing new humor is hard.
It has to be performed to know if its funny or not.
On a stereotypic average, with the exception of favorites like Cashew Cleese and the gang of Monty Macadamia nuts, Americans find English humor silly and a dry bitter nut to chew. Personally I have never even heard of German humor.
Olde Tymey Irish stories are of course immortal.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 06 Aug 17 - 05:37 PM

A visiting General was due to make an inspection at an army camp. The squaddies had been hard at it polishing, painting and cleaning. When the General came over the hill, he saw the whitewashed buildings and polished brass fittings gleaming in the sunlight. Far from being pleased, he took the Commanding Officer to task for making the camp such an obvious target for the enemy. He ordered the camp to be repainted in camouflage colours before his next visit.

When he returned the next month, he was amazed to find a pastoral scene where the camp should have been - fields of wheat, sheep on the hillside, cows in the pasture, a thatched cottage with a wisp of smoke coming from the chimney.
He had to check his map to make sure he was in the right place. As he made his way towards where thought the gate should be, a tree suddenly ran out in front of his car.
"STAND STILL!" he yelled. The tree came to an abrupt stop, standing to attention and giving a smart salute.
"Do you realise that you have given away an almost perfect deception? Explain yourself!"

"Sorry sir" said the tree. "When a bird made a nest in my hair and laid an egg down the back of my shirt, I stood there for Queen and country."
"When a dog cocked its leg and peed down my leg, I stood there for Queen and country"
" but I draw the line when a squirrel runs up my trousers and shouts: " oh goody, nuts. I'll have one now and save one for winter"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: saulgoldie
Date: 07 Aug 17 - 12:14 PM

Not all that calls itself "humor" or "funny" is. Or at least, not to everyone of every culture of every time period, of every land mass. I have sat through at least several "comedy shows" that absolutely were not. To me, anyway. But others laughed. And some of the pretenders on stage were actually traveling professionals who obviously had some fans.

And some times, I have heard jokes performed that I remember from a bygone era. Funny then, or maybe not. BUT the audience there (now), or at least a number of folks there had not heard these jokes, and laughed raucously.

So here's me, just hoping that we can have a peaceful joke thread where people enjoy what they can and ignore what they can't. Just like in real life where we take beauty and other wonderful things where and how we experience them, and pass by what does not please us.

Thenk yew.

Saul

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 07 Aug 17 - 10:34 PM

Most assuredly we are all chums Saul. I've been watching a comedy retrospective. The only truth is change, and truth is funny.
The most unfunny topic is describing why something is funny.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Aug 17 - 06:34 AM

A Yorkshireman's wife sadly passes away. He decides to have the words 'She Were Thine' engraved on her headstone.

He calls the mason, explains what he wants, then goes to see the stone a few days later. He takes one look and to his horror, finds the mason has engraved 'She Were Thin.'
He yells at the mason,: "You've left bloody e out, yer daft bugger! Where's bloody e?"

The mason apologises profusely, and assures the widower it'll be right on the day.

The day of the funeral comes. The mourners leave the church and head out to the graveyard. There they see the pristine headstone, upon it inscribed:

"Eee, She Were Thin."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 13 Aug 17 - 06:59 PM

You can safely tell this one to a ten-year-old:


What US state is named for a beverage?







Minne-soda.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Mr Red
Date: 14 Aug 17 - 06:00 AM

why did the troll cross the road?












he didn't, you can't get shot of the buggers!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Aug 17 - 07:14 AM

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K9ODULb_dyo

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 14 Aug 17 - 08:14 AM

Here are two 'folk jokes' we included in our cassette album ".... and That's My Story", issued by the Vaughan Williams Memorial Library sometime in the 1980s
Jim Carroll

THREE OLD MINERS Dick Beamish Pontypridd (?), Glamorgan, Wales
Well, er, you see the miner's life is a mixture, like it is in every other phase of life, a mixture of tragedy and humour; and I don't think you'll find anywhere where humour is richer in character than it is in our industry.
Here's a story of the three old miners who had retired. One was well over seventy, the other one was eighty some odd and the oldest was ninety-six. And they were in the eventide of their life; summertime, sitting on the council seat enjoying the sunshine, watching the traffic going back and fore, and they suddenly discussed how they'd like to die.
The youngest, now, of the trio was well over seventy. He said, "Well boys bach," he said, "I've been watching these red sport cars," he said, "that these youngsters have got, travelling back and fore." he said. "I don't know nothing about cars," he said, "but I'd like to get into one of those." he said, "rev up," he said, "that's what I think they call it; sixty, seventy, eighty miles an hour, bang into a lamp post, everything at an end," he said. "That's the way I'd like to die." "What about you, John?" he said, now, the one who was over eighty, now, the second oldest of the trio.
"Well, boys," he said, "I'm a bit more modem than you are," he said. "I've been reading about these sputniks. I would like to volunteer to go into one of those sputniks," he said. "They tell me they go up into the sky. thousands of miles," he said. "I'd like to be up there," he said, "ten thousand miles up, something go wrong with the works, explosion, everything finished: that's the way I would like to go out," he said.
Now the oldest of the trio of these old miners, he w as ninety-six. So they said to him. "You're silent, Robert; haven't you eot some suggestion how you would like to die?"
"Ha, boys," he said, "I've been listening to you two here. Do you know the way I'd like to go out?" he said.
"No, Robert, which way would you like to die?"
"Well, boys, bach, to tell you the truth," he said, "I'd like to be shot by a jealous husband!"
Recorded by Ewan MacColl, Peggy Seeger and Charles Parker, 1961

THE LION TAMER Bob Cann South Tawton, Devon, England
There was this farmworker, you see, out on Dartmoor. He had seven kids, poor sod. Just down the road was another bloke; he had seven kids. The only difference between the two, the bloke down the road was on the dole, the social security, and he was picking up more money than this poor sod working on the farm.
So one day he thought to himself, "If I had the sack, I should be better off." So when he went to work Monday morning the farmer set him out in the field spreading heaps of dung and he went to sleep beside hayrick. This went on with three or four days, you see. So one afternoon the farmer thought he would go and see how he was getting on. When he gets out to the other one, a heap of dung had been spread and he found him asleep. So he kick him in the boots and woke him up and told him to come in and get his cards. So he went in and got his cards.
But the trouble was, you see, the next day he had to go to the labour exchange to sign on. And on the way in, he thought to himself, "Well, I must be clever here, because if I say I'm ... he'll sure to ask me what my occupation is, and if I say I'm a farmworker, there's plenty of farm work about and he'll put me on a farm again."
So off he goes into the office, the bloke behind the office, and he looks up and he says, "Good morning, what can I do for you?"
He says "I'm come in to sign on."
"Oh yes," the bloke said. "In case a job comes up for you, what's your occupation?"
"Oh," he said, "I'm a liontamer."
The bloke said, "What a coincidence," he said. "Yesterday the circus moved into town and the liontamer got mauled by a lion and he's in hospital. Here's your green card, and you go down and take the job."
Couldn't do nothing about it so away he goes down. When he gets there, there was the ringmaster outside the ... outside the cage, you see, and the old bloke was shaking like hell.
And he said, "Well," he said, "I don't think I shall be any good with this job because I can see they lions don't know me, they don't like me."
"Oh," he said, "you'll get used to it after a few mauls and scratches." "Well," he said, "you'll have to tell me what to do."
Well the old bloke said, the old ringmaster said, "That's easy," he said. "All you- do," he says, "you put your hand down, catch hold of a lump of meat," he said, "and throw in over the cage." He said, "You slide open the cage door," he said, "and make sure to slide the cage door shut behind thee," he said, "and make sure never to take your eyes off a lion else he'll have 'ee."
"Oh Christ," he said. "I've got to do..."
"Oh yes," he said.
"Well," he said, "what do I do then?"
Well he said, "You creep over," he said, "grab the meat and pull it away from the lion."
"Christ," he said. "What the hell do I do then?"
"Well," he said, "you'll find the lion coming towards thee, very gently. Then he's a-just about to pounce at 'ee."
"Well," he said, "what the hell do I do then?"
"Well," he said, "you go backwards," he said, "and you'll finish with your back up against the cage," he said, "and just before the lion's going to jump, pounce at thee," he said, "you keep your eye on the lion," he said, "but put your hand down," he said, "pick up a lump of dung and throw it right in his face."
"Oh," he said, "oh," he said, "no, oh," he said, "that's all right," he said, "but suppose there ain't no dung down there?"
He said, "There will be."
Recorded by John Howson, 1987

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread of 2017
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Aug 17 - 09:30 AM

Reporter: What would Armageddon look like in Korea?

General McMasterace: Well it would not be the holocaust people imagine. 10 or 20 million in collateral damage tops. There would be no Armageddon.

Reporter: Then what would it be?

General McMasterace:
It would be more like a, like a kitty cataclysm.