BS: Rules in Life

Subject: BS: Rules in Life
From: Donuel
Date: 23 Feb 17 - 06:19 PM

I have 2 rules in Life

1. Write everything down.
2. I forgot rule 2.

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 23 Feb 17 - 08:05 PM

Never move into a new home on any day other than Thursday - (Old Irish Tradition)
Never build on or plough up a fairy fort (another)
Never boil cabbages twice (A Liverpool refusal to repeat what has just been said).
Never lose your head while looking for your tail in Lime Street (Liverpool joke)
Never hang a man with a wooden leg (a rope is far more efficient)
Jim Caarroll

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Rapparee
Date: 23 Feb 17 - 08:32 PM

Don't dig your well near the outhouse.

Never get in a fight with someone who buys ink by the barrel.

Follow the money, especially in politics.

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Feb 17 - 06:01 AM

Plant by the dark of the moon, in the daylight.

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 Feb 17 - 06:25 AM

Always keep a two or two.

DtG

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 24 Feb 17 - 01:22 PM

From the old song
Never throw stones at a drowning man
It's an act we do deplore.
Thrown him a bar of Sunlight Soap
And he'll wash himself ashore
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: McGrath of Harlow
Date: 24 Feb 17 - 01:50 PM

Never stand on a folding chair

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Feb 17 - 01:56 PM

Illegitimes non carborundum.

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Senoufou
Date: 24 Feb 17 - 02:03 PM

Never get into a fight with a pig. You'll both get covered in muck, but the pig will enjoy it.

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Bill D
Date: 24 Feb 17 - 02:52 PM

"Don't do too good of a job.... folks will begin to expect it."
            ~Talkin' John old carpenter.

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Feb 17 - 02:57 PM

Claim that you can't do the ironing because you're left-handed. It might just work.

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Feb 17 - 02:58 PM

Bill, That's what the guys in the Times Square NYT distribution floor told me.

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 24 Feb 17 - 03:01 PM

Don't eat yellow snow.

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: fat B****rd
Date: 24 Feb 17 - 03:46 PM

"Never play cards with a man called Doc. Never eat at a place called Mom's. Never sleep with a woman whose troubles are worse than your own."
― Nelson Algren, A Walk on the Wild Side

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Bill D
Date: 24 Feb 17 - 03:46 PM

Donuel... old Talkin' John said that in 1966... I think it must be a common line in one form or another.

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: fat B****rd
Date: 24 Feb 17 - 03:50 PM

"Never trust a man in a blue trench coat
never drive a car when you're dead"
Tom Waits "Telephone Call From Istanbul"

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Feb 17 - 03:57 PM

The 15 oops...crash . damn

The 10 Commandments!

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Feb 17 - 09:01 PM

Anything more than a handful is a waste.

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Amos
Date: 24 Feb 17 - 10:09 PM

Don't try to teach a pig to sing. You will waste your time and annoy the pig.

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: gnu
Date: 25 Feb 17 - 12:24 PM

Keep 'er twixt the ditches.

Give 'er all she'll suffer and don't back off 'til she breaks.

Keep yer stick on the ice.

Be kind to each other. We're all in this together.

Fuck, fight and hold the light. (Canadian battle cry coined by the boys from the backwoods... 'hold the light' refers to jacking deer at night.)

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 Feb 17 - 03:45 PM

Stay between the yellow signs (how to drive over bridges with no night vision).

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: keberoxu
Date: 25 Feb 17 - 03:59 PM

When the crows come home to roost,
tarry not beneath the trees.

I learned that one the hard way
-- "it's only for a quick walk underneath" --
one dry-cleaning bill later.

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: JennieG
Date: 25 Feb 17 - 07:10 PM

You can't roller skate in a buffalo herd.

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Mysha
Date: 25 Feb 17 - 07:20 PM

... but you can be happy if you've a mind to.

Bye
                                                                Mysha

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Rapparee
Date: 26 Feb 17 - 09:30 AM

It is good to obey all the rules when you're young, so you'll have the strength to break them when you're old.
                                        -- Sam Clemens

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Feb 17 - 10:19 AM

"When the seagulls follow the trawler, it's because they think sardines will be thrown into the sea. Thank you very much."

[Eric Cantona, 1995]

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: meself
Date: 26 Feb 17 - 11:56 AM

Don't forget to breathe.

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Senoufou
Date: 26 Feb 17 - 02:43 PM

Be kind whenever possible. It is always possible.

Dalai Lama

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Ed T
Date: 26 Feb 17 - 04:56 PM

"The face you give the world, tells the world how to treat you"
Gillian Flynn

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Feb 17 - 05:33 PM

Remember that puns about fish are illegal every day barramundi.

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Mr Red
Date: 26 Feb 17 - 06:14 PM

Never let your braces dangle. dingle, dingle, dangle
Never thieve, don't deceive and never row or wrangle
Stick to the right, get away from the bad
Don't get as tight as your poor old Dad
But the greatest motto of the lot, my lad
Is never let your braces dangle.

Harry Champion

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Joe_F
Date: 26 Feb 17 - 06:23 PM

A Guide to Living (TTTO Cwm Rhondda)

||: You must eat when you are hungry.
You must drink when you are dry. :||
You must rest when you are weary.
Don't stop breathing, or you'll die (or you will die).
Don't stop breathing, or you'll die.

Ah, souls.

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Bill D
Date: 26 Feb 17 - 06:25 PM

"If it don't fit, don't force it! Get a bigger hammer."

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Feb 17 - 07:39 PM

Tell Mrs Steve that, Bill. If it doesn't fit, force it! It has NO RIGHT to not fit! "Don't force it!" is my most common cri de couer. Everything from sticking doors to gear-changing to inserting memory cards or flash drives and more. Gimme strength!

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Senoufou
Date: 27 Feb 17 - 03:20 AM

Ooooh! A memory card! I need one of those for my head!

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Mo the caller
Date: 27 Feb 17 - 05:02 AM

When in doubt - cheat.

(my motto for dancers)

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: G-Force
Date: 27 Feb 17 - 05:22 AM

... and don't forget to boogie! (Bob Hite)

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Ed T
Date: 27 Feb 17 - 03:22 PM

"When the preferable is not available, the available becomes preferable!"
Israelmore Ayivor

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Ed T
Date: 27 Feb 17 - 03:28 PM

"Things change all the time - abruptly, unpredictably, and often for no good reason. But knowing that didn't do you that much good, apparently."
Tom Perrotta

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: BobL
Date: 28 Feb 17 - 03:06 AM

If it hurts, don't do it.

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Senoufou
Date: 28 Feb 17 - 03:23 AM

If you continue doing what you did, you'll continue getting what you got.

and

Do as you would be done by.

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Senoufou
Date: 28 Feb 17 - 03:23 AM

Oh, I've just remembered Billy Connelly's one: "Never trust a fart!"

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Feb 17 - 06:32 AM

No one expects a deadly disaster which is why you should.
Bunker Bob.

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Feb 17 - 06:43 AM

If you can't beat em, nuke em and win again
Donald J Trump

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Feb 17 - 07:51 AM

Never waste an erection (another Billy Connolly one).

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: leeneia
Date: 28 Feb 17 - 11:07 AM

Never give your life for an abstract noun.

Never cook a recipe that calls for a can of soup.   

Beware of teenagers who end a sentence with "actually". As in, "I didn't put gas in car, actually."

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Senoufou
Date: 28 Feb 17 - 12:07 PM

Always look on the bright side of life (dee doo - dee doodle doodle doo)
That whole song makes me laugh, but the words are very true.

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Feb 17 - 12:18 PM

If you sense what is going to happen and there is nothing you can do,
any immediate act of futility will do.

Senoufou is on a roll.

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Mr Red
Date: 28 Feb 17 - 05:02 PM

At the end of the day, all you have got is ...........




Midnight.

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: meself
Date: 28 Feb 17 - 05:11 PM

A health care system is really complicated.

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Ed T
Date: 28 Feb 17 - 08:26 PM

"And, if you can't be with the one you love honey-
Love the one you're' with"
Stephen Stills

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Feb 17 - 08:34 PM

When a recipe says "add wine," never ask "to what?"

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Senoufou
Date: 03 Mar 17 - 05:33 PM

(From Sarah Knight's 'The Life-Changing Magic Of Not Giving A F***')

1. Decide what you don't give a f*** about.

2. Don't give a f*** about those things.

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Mar 17 - 07:32 PM

Drop 'em, sit down, give it a minute, then show that turd who's boss.

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 05 Mar 17 - 06:25 AM

From a friend in the dip (diplomatic) corps:
      Never lie.
      Never tell all of the truth.
      Never pass up an opportunity to use the restroom.

Cowgirl wisdom:
    Keep your drinks money and your bail money separate.

Linn

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 05 Mar 17 - 06:33 AM

From songs I sing (I like passing out good advice) --

"Come all ye Dundee weavers,
Take this advice from me:
Never let a fella an inch above your knee,
And never lie in the long grass or up against the wa',
For if you do you can safely say,
Your thingamajig's awa'."
(Dundee Weaver)

"Oh, diddle oh oh, shite or bust.
Never let your bollocks dangle in the dust."
(The Lobster)

Linn

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Mar 17 - 06:59 AM

Give a man a bucket of coal and he'll be warm for the night.
Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Mar 17 - 07:08 AM

Here's two eternal rules that I've learned for myself.

1. Pick up a harmonica to play in the dark and it will be upside down.

2. The first attempt to insert a USB connector into its socket will fail because it will be the wrong way up.

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Senoufou
Date: 05 Mar 17 - 07:24 AM

Hahaha Steve, those are Laws invented by Mr Sod I reckon.

I've got literally dozens of those:-

Get up early and totter into the kitchen to get a cup of tea and you will inadvertently walk in some cat sick.

Sit on the loo and realise too late there's no toilet paper in the holder, just a cardboard roll.

Put the potatoes on, sit and watch the News, get engrossed and - yes - they've gone mushy in the pan.


Put out lots of food for the birds to be sure that your windows and the car will be covered in seagull, crow and pigeon poo. Never fails.

Reach out for your glasses beside the bed and knock over the glass of water you didn't drink during the night.

I could fill a book.

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Mr Red
Date: 05 Mar 17 - 08:47 AM

Steve, did you know they make reversible micro USB connectors, and a lead boasting reversible both ends to boot (as it were). USB 2.0 only I would guess, but cheap enough.

Another rule - look for such a useful goodie and it will have sold-out by the time you remember to look for it.

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Mr Red
Date: 06 Mar 17 - 03:14 AM

underpants on first.

Works for me.

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Senoufou
Date: 06 Mar 17 - 03:31 AM

Hahaha Mr Red, as long as one remembers to put the trousers on next.

Always get an assistant to remove the security tag from an Asda electric kettle at the till. If not, the alarm will sound, the security guard will accost you and the whole shop will stare at the nasty pair of elderly thieves being stopped at the door.
(Happened yesterday)

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Mar 17 - 04:30 AM

Undies worn twaice
Are not quaite naice

(This rule to be stated in your best Hyacinth Bucket voice)

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Senoufou
Date: 06 Mar 17 - 04:41 AM

My mother seemed to be obsessed with the fear of my being run over by a bus and the ambulance men expressing disgust if my underwear was not perfectly spotless. It wasn't concern for my safety as much as the shame!

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Mo the caller
Date: 06 Mar 17 - 05:39 AM

Always ask to have your punched cards interpreted (and number them) in case you drop them as you walk across site to the computer building.

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: ketchdana
Date: 07 Mar 17 - 02:33 AM

Never trust a person who believes in implicit operator hierarchy, eschewing parenthesization. Or one who knows what that means.

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Mr Red
Date: 07 Mar 17 - 04:19 AM

Always get an assistant to remove the security tag
And remind the trainee assistant after you are being jocular. And make sure the senior employee who stops you at the exit is fully aware that the trainee was not at fault and is doing a grand job when not being made to laugh.

Trying to make trainees at ease is a sport of mine, but it probably needs work! I remember my first days at work, there is so much to take in!

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Senoufou
Date: 07 Mar 17 - 04:34 AM

Well it was our fault really as we should have reminded the checkout lady to take the tag off the item. Luckily we had the receipt to hand. But I felt utter shame that everyone thought we were thieves. The security guard knows us by sight, but of course he has to investigate an alarm sounding. All the other shoppers were scowling, we nearly sank through the floor.
But the kettle is super and only cost £5.

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Mar 17 - 04:52 AM

To our horror, Mrs Steve and I once discovered, having just left the supermarket, that our daughter, who was with us, had just indulged in shoplifting.

Mind you, she was 18 months old at the time and was strapped into her buggy. It wasn't until we were a good distance from the shop that we discovered that she'd liberated a huge bag of sweets from one of those low-down displays they used to have at the checkouts in those days. We were so annoyed that such a temptation had been put in her way that....well, let's just say that they were very tasty!

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Senoufou
Date: 07 Mar 17 - 05:33 AM

Supermarkets are very silly to put temptation in the way of little ones like that Steve. I also object to the practice of putting those delicious Cadbury's Caramel little choccy eggs at eye level where rather plump old ladies trying to give up chocolate for Lent can see them and drool. My husband is very good at grasping me firmly by the arm and marching me away smartly.

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Ed T
Date: 07 Mar 17 - 03:32 PM

"Between 2002 and 2010, 17,616 people went to the emergency room with zip-related genital injuries."



And, the hurt continues 

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Mar 17 - 06:17 PM

Just button it, will you, Ed.

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 Mar 17 - 09:37 PM

In the world of mules,
There are no rules.             -- Ogden Nash

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Ed T
Date: 08 Mar 17 - 03:51 AM

The Grumble Familyby Anonymous
"There's a family nobody likes to meet;
They live, it is said, on Complaining Street
In the city of Never-Are-Satisfied,
The River of Discontent beside.

They growl at that and they growl at this;
Whatever comes, there is something amiss;
And whether their station be high or humble,
They are all known by the name of Grumble.

The weather is always too hot or cold;
Summer and winter alike they scold.
Nothing goes right with the folks you meet
Down on that gloomy Complaining Street.

They growl at the rain and they growl at the sun;
In fact, their growling is never done.
And if everything pleased them, there isn't a doubt
They'd growl that they'd nothing to grumble about!

But the queerest thing is that not one of the same
Can be brought to acknowledge his family name;
For never a Grumbler will own that he
Is connected with it at all, you see.

The worst thing is that if anyone stays
Among them too long, he will learn their ways;
And before he dreams of the terrible jumble
He's adopted into the family of Grumble.

And so it were wisest to keep our feet
From wandering into Complaining Street;
And never to growl, whatever we do,
Lest we be mistaken for Grumblers, too.

Let us learn to walk with a smile and a song,
No matter if things do sometimes go wrong;
And then, be our station high or humble,
We'll never belong to the family of Grumble!"

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Senoufou
Date: 08 Mar 17 - 04:20 AM

I was a Brownie in the fifties, then a Girl Guide, Patrol Leader, going on to help with a local Brownie pack as 'Pack Leader' finishing up as a Tawny Owl. In those days the Guide Law was very different. Ten parts, and some a bit questionable, for example:-

"A Guide's duty is to be useful..."
"A Guide must smile and sing under all difficulties.."

I always found the latter to be a bit daft. Imagine a serious disaster and breaking into song with a big grin one one's face. Weird.

However (my lovely neighbour is a Guider) the Law has changed. It now encourages Guides to use their time wisely, face challenges and learn from experiences and so on. Much better.

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Mar 17 - 05:36 PM

My son, these maxims make a rule
And lump them all together:
The Rigid Righteous is a fool, The Rigid Wise another.    -- Burns

Subject: RE: BS: Rules in Life
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Mar 17 - 09:48 PM

Too true Joe F.