ADD: If You Haven't Got a Penis then you can't...

Subject: Lyr Add: If You Haven't Got a Penis then you can
From: Joe Offer
Date: 03 Apr 17 - 12:52 AM

There's a woman who is being ordained a Roman Catholic Womanpriest, and she wants this song sung at her ordination. She had heard Faith Petric sing it years ago, so she wrote to the Harmony list of the San Francisco Folk Music Club for lyrics. I'll try verify and correct the lyrics later. This is what was posted to the Harmony list:

If You Haven't Got A Penis Then You Can't Become A Priest
Lyric: Dean Morgan   To the tune of Turkey in the Straw

Well, I know a Catholic woman who's devout to say the least
Her major life ambition was to be a parish priest
She applied to seminary they told her get on the run
The priesthood's just for men, you can only be a nun

chorus:
If you haven't got a penis then you can't become a priest
This archaic stipulation should have long ago been ceased
Of God and faith and scripture man and woman both can talk
What's more you serve communion with your hands and not your cock.

So she went to the monsignor in her never-ending search
To find out if there's any place for women in the church
He said that we can use them in our hospitals and schools
But if you want to be ordained, man, you gotta have some tools

Chorus

Oh, you might believe in God as much as anybody can
And you may know the bible just as much as any man
You can't wear the cleric collar, you can't hold the holy chalice
You can't celebrate the mass all because you lack a phallus

Subject: RE: ADD: If You Haven't Got a Penis then you can't...
From: Joe Offer
Date: 03 Apr 17 - 12:56 AM

Somebody questioned the validity of the ordination, and this is the answer from the prospective Womanpriest:

Dear Denis,

The Vatican still holds to the belief that women, because of their
composition as females (and lack of a particular appendage), cannot serve
in a ministerial capacity. That wasn't always true, and our movement for
women's ordination within the Roman Catholic Church has been ordaining
women and others who are shut out of the church, including LGBTQ and
married applicants, provided they complete the theological studies required.

The first six women were ordained by a male archbishop in international
waters in the Danube... his identity is not known in the outside world, and
I won't find out who he is until my ordination, and then am sworn to
secrecy. Father Roy Bourgeois, who founded SOAW, (the School of the
Americas Watch) was excommunicated for attending and supporting the
ordination of a woman priest (who happens to have been my program companion
throughout this period while I was studying for ordination).

In early times women were ordained, there are mentions of deaconesses, and
in the Catacombs the Priscilla Catacomb shows women wearing the garb and
clearly ministering.
http://www.bbc.com/culture/story/20150224-the-secrets-of-the-catacombs

Francis, who is doing amazing work with the original intent of the
Palestinian Jew who was a subversive fighter against Empire, has called a
commission to study bringing back female deacons. He can only do so much,
and I am grateful for the work he is doing.

I am a liberation theology child... I learned liberation theology from a
priest in the Dominican Republic, was born and lived in Cuba at the time of
the Revolution, and went to college in Puerto Rico, where the CIA was a
constant companion... For me there is no problem with being a social
activist and anarchist/socialist revolutionary and being Roman Catholic,
but I think the Roman Catholic Church is wrong on this issue, and an old
but still valid concept, the primacy of conscience, allows me to choose to
serve now, in whatever way I can. Of course, technically, the official RC
Church says that by serving as ordained ministers we are "excommunicating
ourselves."

Silvia

Subject: RE: ADD: The Priest Song
From: Joe Offer
Date: 03 Apr 17 - 01:06 AM

Well, I have a few corrections, based on my transcription from Faith Petric's When Did We Have Sauerkraut? album

THE PRIEST SONG
Lyric: Dean Morgan
To the tune of Turkey in the Straw

I know a Catholic woman who's devout to say the least
Her greatest life ambition was to be a parish priest
She went to seminary, they told her, "Get on the run,
The priesthood's just for men, you can only be a nun."

CHORUS:
If you haven't got a penis, then you cannot be a priest,
This archaic stipulation should have long ago been ceased;
Of God and faith and scripture, men and women both can talk,
What's more, you serve communion with your hands and not your cock.

So she went to the monsignor in her never-ending search
To see if there was any place for women in the church,
He said, "Oh, we can use you in the hospitals and schools,
But if you wanna be a priest, man, you gotta have some tools."

CHORUS

Oh, you may believe in God as much as anybody can,
And you may know the bible just as much as any man,
But you can't wear the cleric collar, you can't hold the holy chalice,
You cannot serve communion all because you lack a phallus.

CHORUS

---

This is from the Faith Petric recording, and is not a definitive transcription from the original source. Do any of you have other transcriptions from other sources, or from the songwriter? Are we certain of the songwriter's name?

Subject: RE: ADD: If You Haven't Got a Penis then you can't...
From: Mark Ross
Date: 03 Apr 17 - 09:55 AM

The song is sung to the A part of TURKEY IN THE STRAW. The B part isn't used.

Mark Ross

Subject: RE: ADD: If You Haven't Got a Penis then you can't...
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 Apr 17 - 10:51 AM

When I read the thread title it came up automatically to the tune of If you're happy and you know it

Then you can't (clap, clap)...

Subject: RE: ADD: If You Haven't Got a Penis then you can't...
From: topical tom
Date: 03 Apr 17 - 05:17 PM

Good song! Is there a video of someone singing it that could be posted?

Subject: RE: ADD: If You Haven't Got a Penis then you can't...
From: GUEST,Ebor Fiddler
Date: 03 Apr 17 - 06:05 PM

This is theology I like! When I did my MA in Theology and Religious Studies in York a few years ago, one of our number wanted to be a Catholic Priest, and none of us, even the Evangelicals, could dig up a theological reason why she shouldn't. Like priestly celibacy, it's a matter of Order and Custom rather than "Jesus said."
I don't think however that "If you're etc" (or "Sam Hall" as it's known in the folk world) is really suitable for the song rhythm and scansion. Turkey In The Straw is a much better tune here.
More power to your friends elbow Joe. We Anglicans have just about accepted women priests (my sister is one!) but there are still a lot of (much loved) hangouts of all three sexes.

Chris B.

Subject: RE: ADD: If You Haven't Got a Penis then you can't...
From: mg
Date: 03 Apr 17 - 08:49 PM

I think it is a cute party song and i am all for women priests, but i can't imagine it should be sung at an ordination for anyone...

Subject: RE: ADD: If You Haven't Got a Penis then you can't...
From: Joe Offer
Date: 03 Apr 17 - 09:46 PM

I think I'd agree, mg. The song has a place, maybe at the reception after the ordination - but ordination to the priesthood or ministry should be distinctly about that calling, not about the issues that impede it. At the ordination itself, all those conflicts should be forgotten for the moment and there should be a good, meaningful celebration of the ordination.
We have Womenpriests nearby, and I'm glad they're there. I would like the ordination of women to be officially recognized by the Roman Church, but it hasn't happened yet. I have a friend who is married to a Catholic deacon. She felt called to the priesthood, so she became Lutheran and went to divinity school and was ordained. Now she's dean of all the Lutheran churches in this area - and she'd married to a Catholic deacon.

Tom, I've looked all around, but haven't found an online recording of this song. Faith Petric would sing it every year or two at San Francisco's Camp New Harmony, when she was among friends. I don't know if she sang it in concert. I had a great time listening to convert videos, but I didn't find a recording of Faith singing the song other than on her Sauerkraut CD.

-Joe-

Subject: RE: ADD: If You Haven't Got a Penis then you can't...
From: Thompson
Date: 04 Apr 17 - 04:20 AM

St Brigid of Kildare was a bishop…

Subject: RE: ADD: If You Haven't Got a Penis then you can't...
From: GUEST,lou Judson
Date: 04 Apr 17 - 08:22 PM

WHY would a woman even want anything to do with the stupid Christians? I think all females shoud resign from the Christian churches, al of them - then how will they get more idiots to serve?

I am reading Mists of Avalon, and disvow all interestin organized religion. so forgive ,=me, dear lovers of the Christ. It is all idiocy!

All hail Lysistrata! End the wars.

:-)

Subject: RE: ADD: If You Haven't Got a Penis then you can't...
From: Joe Offer
Date: 04 Apr 17 - 08:44 PM

Well, there's that, Lou, I guess. If you paint all members of any group with the same brush and then judge each group by its worst members, then I guess they all come out looking pretty bad.

But believe it or not, I know some very intelligent Christians, both male and female. I know intelligent non-Christians, too.

Subject: RE: ADD: If You Haven't Got a Penis then you can't...
From: GUEST
Date: 19 Mar 19 - 07:31 AM

Dean Morgan, a Manchester NH political activist and friend, who died many years ago (before videos were common), is the author of these lyrics. I am a Sister of Mercy (nun) and he would sing it in his gigs and dedicate it to me. A friend was at a Cambridge, MA concert and yelled out, "I know her!" Good guy and good musician.

Subject: RE: ADD: If You Haven't Got a Penis then you can't...
From: beachcomber
Date: 19 Mar 19 - 12:34 PM

I don't know the tune of Turkey in the straw but, the meter of that song definitely fits into the tune of "Phil the Fluter's ball" (Percy French)

Subject: RE: ADD: If You Haven't Got a Penis then you can't...
From: Stringsinger
Date: 19 Mar 19 - 12:35 PM

There's an old joke. Two monks emerge from the library in their monastery. They greet the other brothers with excited news. "We just did some research in antiquity and guess what we found out? The word is "celebrate"!

Subject: RE: ADD: If You Haven't Got a Penis then you can't...
From: Joe Offer
Date: 20 Mar 19 - 04:11 AM

I am a Mercy Associate, and I know a number of Sisters of Mercy who would like this song. I'm proud of them.
Joe

Subject: RE: ADD: If You Haven't Got a Penis then you can't...
From: GUEST,akenaton
Date: 20 Mar 19 - 04:32 AM

I think priests of either sex would be acceptable, as long as they are married in the conventional sense. If these people are to give guidance on life and how to live it, some practical experience would be an obvious advantage?

Subject: RE: ADD: If You Haven't Got a Penis then you can't...
From: GUEST
Date: 08 Apr 19 - 03:12 PM

The original woman who asked is back again; today's the second anniversary of my ordination and I find my ministry has been more about social justice than anything else... Getting arrested for this, that and the other, still singing, and remembering Faith Petric fondly. I had her over at an event for 100 Thousand Poets for Change a couple of years before she died and stipulated that I wanted her to sing that song, which she did with gusto and brio, in her amazing nineties...

For those of you who suggested it should be played at the reception, that is what we did. The ceremony itself was a bit long because it was held in English and Spanish... My bishop was a Colombian woman who flew in and spent a couple of days at my house until it came time to leave. She ministers mostly to female ex-cons in Colombia, who are prevented from working after conviction.

Silvia, the "Left" Reverend.

Subject: RE: ADD: If You Haven't Got a Penis then you can't...
From: Joe Offer
Date: 08 Apr 19 - 03:24 PM

Thank you, Silvia. I hope things go well for you as a priest, and I hope for the day when Roman Catholic Womenpriests won't be unusual.
-Joe, who studied 8 years at St. Francis Seminary in Milwaukee and then got married-

Subject: RE: ADD: If You Haven't Got a Penis then you can't...
From: Little Hawk
Date: 08 Apr 19 - 05:57 PM

If I may digress for a moment, another thing you can't do if you haven't got a penis is write your name in the snow (or on a handy wall) while peeing outside.

Subject: RE: ADD: If You Haven't Got a Penis then you can't...
From: GUEST
Date: 08 Apr 19 - 08:21 PM

Little Hawk,allow me to refer to Vance Randolph's collection of Ozark bawdy Folktales Pissing In The Snow.

Subject: RE: ADD: If You Haven't Got a Penis then you can't...
From: GUEST,Joanne Tuller, Boston MA
Date: 09 Feb 25 - 02:28 AM

Topical Tom asked about a video. I just sang this at a People's Music Network for Songs of Freedom and Struggle (PMN - www.peoplesmusic.org) weekend, as part of a Round Robin that was posted on youtube, here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QB7pvYzWbV8&list=PLVN62FdCJw3JhAvKDVvb66uINQOWeoGae

The intro begins at 33:22 .

Dean Morgan was a steadfast member of PMN until his untimely death many years ago. Every time we had a gathering, we'd wait with bated breath to see what roll-on-the-floor song he'd come up with THIS time!

Note that Dean had his own tune for the song. But Turkey in the Straw works very well. I think, but I'm not sure, that it was singer-songwriter Marcia Diehl who put it to the traditional tune.

Subject: RE: ADD: If You Haven't Got a Penis then you can't...
From: GUEST,keberoxu
Date: 09 Feb 25 - 07:56 AM

A woman I used to know became a Womanpriest,
and her niece exclaimed to her:
"What shall I call you, Father Aunt Mary??"

So she wrote a book about it with that title.
Lovely down-to-earth widow and mother, and former nun.

Subject: RE: ADD: If You Haven't Got a Penis then you can't...
From: robomatic
Date: 09 Feb 25 - 05:58 PM

Time for a chorus from the Pythons:

"Every sperm is sacred
Every sperm is good
Every sperm is needed
In your neighborhood."