BS: stay afloat while others don't

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Helen
Date: 12 Apr 24 - 01:12 PM

keb, I am sorry for your loss and I hope you can work through the issues relating to your Mother and siblings.

It is the 22nd anniversary of my Mum's passing in two days so I have been thinking a lot about her this week. Luckily for me I have only good memories of her, so I am keeping you in my thoughts and hope that you can work through this and reach a lighter space in your life.


Stilly, I watched an excellent documentary about improving sleep recently, presented by one of my heroes, Dr Michael Mosley. Australia's Sleep Revolution with Dr Michael Mosley

There is also a site with some of his information.

FastAsleep: How to get a really good night’s rest

I used to have breathing issues while sleeping about 40 years ago but I had surgery to correct a deviated septum and the surgeon also recommended sleeping on my side, which I have done ever since. It helps a lot.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Mrrzy
Date: 12 Apr 24 - 11:56 AM

Aw, keb, condolences.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 11 Apr 24 - 06:39 PM

The toxic family situation was generational, and the toxic part was in place
long before my mother was born. So it was tough on her as well.
She was a single mother with her parents living next door,
and she felt responsible for three generations of people at once.
It was a lot to take on even in a healthy situation.
Some of my mother's choices were better than others.
And yes, there were some happy moments.

I don't know how things are with my siblings, as we don't speak.
I think there is hope, though;
we are the elders now, our mother was the last of her generation.
In our separate ways, each of us is free now, in a way that we were not before.
I'm still keeping my distance, though, it is the healthiest way.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 11 Apr 24 - 04:44 PM

Of course you are grieving; the pain from whatever caused the estrangement returns full-strength at a time like this. I hope hindsight helps; having removed yourself from a toxic situation was a sound move and one you need to remember was necessary. (My reference for this is from a similarly toxic relative who caused estrangement in our family - cutting your losses and moving on with your own life is the healthy thing to do. If that relationship is beyond repair you only hurt yourself by leaving yourself open to more harm from them if you keep trying.)

That said, were there early good times with her that you can revisit and celebrate, so you're not throwing your own past away?

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 11 Apr 24 - 04:32 PM

Today I was informed that my mother died yesterday.
Her passing was peaceful and my siblings were at her side.
There is no funeral, and her body was cremated.

Although we have been estranged for years,
and there is no shock at this news,
I find I am experiencing grief and loss.
I am actually very emotional and shaky.
I will have to go very carefully for a while.

I guess it is a good thing that I am in treatment,
as I can get the attention I will need, am needing now.
I'm grateful for this thread where I can share my grief.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 08 Apr 24 - 04:01 PM

It reminds me that I can change the color output on a couple of smart bulbs in the house, and it might be worth considering a programmable bulb in the office area for evenings. Mostly what I need to do is adjust my schedule so I'm doing different things late at night.

I have the phone and computer and tablet all set to use an evening routine that gives a more amber cast to the device screens. The thing that is most helpful is the schedule set up in the phone to not make any noises from 11pm to 7am. I used to have pings wake me; I don't turn the phone off that often any more (only periodically and usually to do with updates.)

Today's eclipse was fun - my nextdoor neighbors came over and we shared my pair of eclipse glasses - no one wanted to stare at the sun the whole time, glimpses were enough, and when the totality occurred it looked amazing; the camera can't do it justice, you have to just look with your eyes and enjoy the beauty of it. This is the kind of thing that is best not mediated by a camera lense between you and the thing you want to remember. I hope that anyone needing a mental boost today was in the path and could enjoy the occasion. It was a thrill to see it.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 08 Apr 24 - 09:08 AM

Computers vs sleep: The current theory is that too much blue in artificial light causes the brain to think it's daylight. There's software out there which changes the colour balance for computer monitors, which helps redress this: I forget the name of the MS-Windows product, but what I use with Linux is called redshift.

There's a similar blue caste to LED lamps; manufacturers do this because it makes the lights look brighter than they really are. LED lamps with a redder output may be available, and are worth looking for if you're intending to read in bed to help send yourself to sleep.

Hope this helps, Stilly.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 07 Apr 24 - 01:00 PM

That's a dreadful wait, Senoufou! I hope something opens up much sooner for you.

Keberoxu, we all have varying degrees of open wounds as we progress through life; I once had a charming friend who caused a lot of pain and chaos for a number of people (we compared notes after his death). I recently revisited those wounds after reading the obituary of one of our mutual friends. I favor the "talking cure" to use words over medications for dealing with depressing issues, so decided to try a sonnet format to see if I can distill the old relationship (and an imagined outcome) into something that is resolved to my satisfaction. Are you familiar with the Mark Twain remark about writing a long letter because he didn't have time to write a short one? It's like that with a sonnet, they're short so take a while to craft, but are such a satisfying way to state the situation and resolve it all within 14 lines.

I've had a second sleep study (this time at home with a wrist device that connects to a finger and a wire to a chest sensor) and suspect that while it will again show some organic problems, mostly I need to mend my ways and develop a different evening routine that doesn't have me in front of the computer screen before bedtime. I've made a start in that direction already.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Senoufou
Date: 07 Apr 24 - 11:58 AM

Thank you keberoxu for your kind enquiry. I'm still waiting for my operation, but the Norfolk & Norwich hospital is snowed under with a long list of patients awaiting their operations. Apparently it could be around 18 weeks before they get in touch. Meanwhile I'm in quite a bit of pain but hey-ho, what can one do?

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 06 Apr 24 - 07:26 PM

A lot of old junk/trash from the unconscious mind lately.
The words 'open wound' figured in what came up.
Also 'safety'.
My therapist would call this a productive experience.
Sometimes this stuff hurts a lot.
Today I'm having to be very gentle and careful with myself.

Very near where I am staying, there is a Divine Mercy shrine,
and this weekend is Divine Mercy Sunday;
so there are literal busloads of tourists coming in and out,
and the services are amplified on speakers and can be heard for a mile or so.
Good time to stay off the streets.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Apr 24 - 09:57 AM

For some reason I am reminded of a street saying, 'its not where you are from-its where you are at'.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 03 Apr 24 - 10:43 PM

That sounds good, Keb. Comfortable.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 03 Apr 24 - 05:21 PM

My practice now is acceptance of self, instead of judgment of self:
accepting that I have done the best I knew how to do
in order to take care of myself and to survive,
instead of judging how well or how poorly I did so.

The relief from changing this attitude toward myself feels so strong.
Strong relief and an overall lightness,
in contrast to the heaviness and darkness of depression
and the tension of anxiety.

It may not last, but I'll take it while it does last.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Mrrzy
Date: 01 Apr 24 - 10:53 AM

Indeed! Great!

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 30 Mar 24 - 08:12 PM

There is some difficult stuff coming to the surface.
I have the good fortune to be in contact with my first counselor from years ago,
when the repressed buries memories were first coming to the surface.
We gave up our counselor/patient relationship twenty years ago,
and we have stayed in touch and can "talk" as friends, mostly by e-mail.

It is such a blessing to be able to confide in a true friend.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Mar 24 - 11:27 PM

Hoping the clouds keep lifting, k!

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 26 Mar 24 - 07:21 PM

Senoufou/Eliza, it's been over a month since you reported to us
that your gall bladder would have to be removed.
How are you holding up?

I don't know how to verify what is happening to me,
but it seems as though the depression is lifting somewhat.
From my experience, things may feel worse before they feel better --
buried emotions coming to the surface can be very uncomfortable and unpleasant.
I have to have faith that this is a healing process
and that things do get better with time and effort.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 09 Mar 24 - 06:32 PM

The question arose a few days ago as to why I want to leave the apartment.

Although the apartment itself has nothing wrong with it,
I went through years of isolation and depression there.
I really need not to go back to that physical place to live,
for fear of going back to the psychological stuck place that I was in.

When I moved into the apartment, for reasons too tedious to go into,
no re-do was done of the premises;
so it had the same old wall-to-wall carpeting and appliances and all.
THere are advantages to that, too,
but it made for a rather dingy-looking place.
I actually had visitors comment on the old carpet,
and not favorably, either.

Therefore, it is more or less time to move on.
I have a lot of work to do before I am ready to pack everything out.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Senoufou
Date: 07 Mar 24 - 01:32 PM

Thank you all for your good wishes. I still haven't heard from the hospital about my operation to remove my gall bladder. There are very long waiting lists due to the doctors' and nurses' strikes. I'm coping quite well taking painkillers and lying down as much as possible.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 06 Mar 24 - 07:57 PM

Dorothy Parshall posted on Facebook recently that she was angry and frustrated and being ignored when she complained about symptoms and when finally someone sent her to a private doctor they found the cancer. I put a link to her FB post over in the Declutter thread; this is a toss-up between here or that Jane's Rainbow thread, but Dorothy is nothing if she isn't afloat. She's getting treatment and good care from her partner.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 06 Mar 24 - 06:54 PM

Thanks, Mrrzy. I really needed to hear that today.
I'm thinking of Senoufou as well,
hope that chance favors her and she gets the procedure done soon.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Mar 24 - 04:28 PM

No cost, Stilly, just the uncomfortable feeling of things being so completely out of my hands. It'll be up to a jury, and I won't be there to read their faces and hear what is said. But I toiled diligently uphill through deep snow to get to this place, so, good...

And yes, Senoufou, do report in.

Good going, keb! That's always been my best approach. Slowly but surely breeds success, or something.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 04 Mar 24 - 02:03 PM

Senoufou, have your doctors taken pity and moved you closer to the surgery date? If it becomes an emergency situation will they take care of it right away?

In the "not afloat" category, the US did food drops into Gaza, but that is a program of last resort, a way that Biden can do something that the Republicans can't shut down.

According to a 2021 report by the World Food Program, airdrops, in addition to costing roughly seven times what ground-delivered aid would cost, can deliver aid in smaller amounts than truck convoys, and require a significant amount of ground coordination in the delivery zone. . . .This is likely why deliveries have been aimed at beaches, but sometimes, as with the airdrops by Egypt, Jordan, the United Arab Emirates, Qatar and France, that results in aid falling into the sea. In the case of another Jordanian effort on Thursday, the wind carried some of the aid over into Israel.

I wasn't aware of the airdrops by those other countries. Anything is a help, but it is far short of what is needed. The ability of the US government to function is tied to the fortunes of the Palestinian people and the people of Ukraine right now.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 03 Mar 24 - 10:51 AM

Stilly, I have used a CPAP device for some time, and it does make a difference.
The apartment thing is not going to be settled quickly.
I'm still in treatment as I occasionally take time to travel to the apartment
and clean it out a little at a time.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 29 Feb 24 - 02:08 PM

Mrrzy, your son's story has spanned so much time I've lost track of all of the details or where he has been in recent months. I won't ask you for a recital of it and I won't go back and read for years worth of bits of the story - but in short, where does this place you as far as your cost and safety and access (or not) to him, etc?

Keb, are you any closer to finding a place to live that is more suited to what you want now?

Jon Freeman, we haven't heard from you in ages - how is your health and how are your parents? You were consolidating the help that came to the house so they worked with all three of you last time I saw your remarks about the household.

Sleep study tonight for me - since a general tiredness isn't due to low thyroid, it may be due to the weird sleep of late. All of my life I was asleep right after my head hit the pillow, but that hasn't been the case for a while now. I do enjoy an afternoon nap, but not today; if they want to study my sleep then it behooves me to be able to go to sleep while I'm at the clinic. Friends who use the CPAP devices report great results, so I hope it is as easy is that.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Helen
Date: 26 Feb 24 - 01:09 PM

keberoxu, the apartment complex you described on 21 Feb 24 - 04:32 PM seems very similar to the retirement village my Grandma lived in when she was about 70, when she decided that her house and big garden was getting too much for her. She was very happy there. She could live independently, do the activities she wanted to do, have meals and some housework provided, make new friends, be involved in group activities or spend time on her own, as she chose. The reviews there were excellent too. She moved to the nursing home complex when she became unwell in her mid '80's and passed away a few years later. We always knew she had chosen an excellent place to live, at every stage of her life needs.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Feb 24 - 11:22 AM

Thanks, k. It has been a slog.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 25 Feb 24 - 06:07 PM

Mrrzy, this has been a very long time coming.
You must find it overwhelming.
Take good care of yourself, you deserve it.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Mrrzy
Date: 25 Feb 24 - 10:48 AM

In other news, my brave, brave kid has pled Not Guilty By Reason Of Insanity. Now it's out of my hands, which is not stress-relieving at all.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 23 Feb 24 - 07:06 PM

Senoufou/Eliza, I am so sorry to hear about the gall bladder illness.
I still have my gall bladder, but I well remember the time it acted up, I felt miserable.

Here's hoping the NHS will get you that surgery sooner rather than later.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 21 Feb 24 - 04:32 PM

Where I have lived for the last fifteen years, I have been in such persistent isolation that I know hardly anybody and have no friends to lose.
I don't dig in gardens, nor do I have musical instruments to move.
Although I have given thought to one of those portable keyboards,
don't they have some with headphones so that only you can hear what you are playing,
or am I making that up out of wishful thinking?

So an apartment complex with active seniors and a full roster of activities
would be a big improvement over where I was living before I got into treatment.
The buildings are on the edge of a municipal park, good for walking, in a good residential neighborhood.
The community amenities include two meals a day in the dining room,
and light housekeeping once a week.

The staff and administration get rave reviews for being hard-working, well organized, and genuinely dedicated to the well-being of the residents --
I mean reviews literally, from multiple sources.
They work hard to make the community inviting and welcoming.
The complex is large enough that a resident can retreat for some downtime without being missed, if need be; not so small as to feel totally exposed all the time.
I do wish they had public computer stations, but I didn't see those; some places have them in a sort of community library space.

The complex is "independent living" although residents who are frail or ailing can get assistance at an extra cost.
It is not a community with "assisted living" as such.
I just don't feel ready for
a community that also has assisted living and memory care on the same campus.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 21 Feb 24 - 01:32 PM

I am headed to a sleep study one of these days, after a follow-up with my doctor to do with my thyroid level. I thought I might need a boost in the dose, but she says the level is fine, the reason for a lack of energy lies elsewhere. Do any of you sleep with CPAP or other devices?

Keb wrote
Today I got to visit and get a brief tour of
an apartment complex near the city;
it's not a home, but it's for seniors only.
Liked what I saw; busy activities program
and much emphasis on community.
And it's a lease with monthly payments, like I'm already used to.
A place like this one might be a good intermediate step between
where I have lived and a full-fledged community/home

Where do you want to end up? What amenities do you want? Are you a gardener in need of a little space to dig, or do you have musical instruments to move in (and practice without disturbing others)? Are you wanting a pet? Are any of the people you know in this area staying here and will continue to be friends when you move?

A friend of mine moved from Texas to Arizona (Green Valley) and lived there for about 15 years. Her tiny house had a postage-stamp sized yard for gardening and the community center had a lot of activities she participated in. A couple of years ago she decided it was time to move closer to her family (almost all in Texas now) and has moved back to Texas and in with her oldest son (she turns 90 in May.)

A different friend has just taken her husband off of the PT he was on (he has a brain thing that isn't actually dementia but the result is the same). He was hospitalized last week and when he returns home will be in a hospice program because the PT wasn't helping and this will at least provide more of what he needs at home (help for her, Depends, etc.) It's a difficult decision, but maybe like Jimmy Carter he'll be comfortable enough to stick around for a while.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Mrrzy
Date: 21 Feb 24 - 08:27 AM

Oh, I got to play Stump The Medical Student with my gall bladder! It had polyps, not stones. So much fun.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Senoufou
Date: 21 Feb 24 - 03:58 AM

After an ultrasound scan,I've been referred by my doctor to have an operation in the Norfolk & Norwich hospital to remove my gall bladder. I'm in a lot of pain all over my back, and often have to lie down to ease it somewhat. No pain-relief tablets shift it. I got a letter last week from the hospital saying there are massive delays for operations due to strikes etc, and it may be 'up to 18 weeks' before I get the summons!
Very depressing, but hey ho, such is life!

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Mrrzy
Date: 19 Feb 24 - 10:01 AM

Good to know of possibilities

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 17 Feb 24 - 06:35 PM

Today I got to visit and get a brief tour of
an apartment complex near the city;
it's not a home, but it's for seniors only.
Liked what I saw; busy activities program
and much emphasis on community.
And it's a lease with monthly payments, like I'm already used to.
A place like this one might be a good intermediate step between
where I have lived and a full-fledged community/home,
which seems a little too far a step for my comfort.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Mrrzy
Date: 16 Feb 24 - 08:58 PM

Sounds too soon. Much, much rumination about the what-ifs. I wish there were an English (language) equivalent of Bon courage!

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 16 Feb 24 - 04:32 PM

Continuing from the previous post:

then there is the question of location.

Should I go back to where I have lived,
outside a major northeastern metropolis,
and look for housing/community there,
where I have only a handful of contacts and connections;

or should I relocate to the area where my treatment center is,
where I do have connections,
but which is more rural with fewer conveniences?

I can't make up my mind
and maybe it is too soon to do so.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 24 Jan 24 - 08:05 PM

The cough is better, but not gone just yet.
I'm quieting it with cough drops
unless it gets bad again,
then I may give in and use an inhaler.


I'm giving serious thought to a future as someone who lives in
a retirement community. I had avoided thinking about this for a long time.
Others have recommended this option, since I am alone and
have a dangerous tendency to isolate.
Also, after several years in an open-setting institution
with a closely-knit community inside,
it is especially important that I do not resume isolating
when I eventually make a discharge plan.

This is a daunting thing to consider.
I have very little experience with retirement communities
or even with care homes.
I can see that it is an industry and a big one at that.
There is a lot to learn about it and it feels overwhelming.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Mrrzy
Date: 16 Jan 24 - 02:25 PM

Aw, I hope that river flows gently.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 15 Jan 24 - 11:41 AM

Still coughing? Less is good, but gone is better!

I'm not starting a thread, and others please don't. Our Canadian friend gnu in Moncton, NB, has entered palliative end-of-life care as of yesterday. Not staying afloat. :-(

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 15 Jan 24 - 08:38 AM

Another chorus rehearsal tonight.
My cough has lessened considerably over the past week.
Maybe tonight it won't feel so godawful to try to sing.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 14 Jan 24 - 06:36 AM

> I'm told that using a spacer increases the amount of medication
> that you get when using the inhaler.

Thanks, Thompson: *that*'s the word for what I use with my asthma inhaler.* If you don't use a spacer, and (as directed) breathe in hard when you use the inhaler, the active ingredient tends to hit the back of the throat, rather than going down to the lungs as it should. (That's why my brother, a fellow asthmatic, got thrush at one point.)

Much of course depends on the type of inhaler. The ones I was given at one point looked like a very small flying saucer, but those might have specially-designed spacers ....

* For those who haven't seen one, a spacer looks a bit like the cardboard tube from the middle of a toilet roll. You plug the inhaler in one end, and breathe in the dose at the other.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Thompson
Date: 13 Jan 24 - 01:11 AM

I'm told that using a spacer increases the amount of medication that you get when using the inhaler.
There are a few different kinds of inhaler, some work for one person and won't work for others, so if the first doesn't work, go back and see if a different kind might work better.
Good luck with it, keboroxu.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 10 Jan 24 - 06:48 PM

The physician is going to try an inhaler.
It will be my first time using one, the nurses will have fun teaching me how to use the inhaler.
We're still waiting for the order to be filled.

IN the meantime, I am working those cough drops to their limits.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 08 Jan 24 - 03:06 PM

The cough, along with some wheezing, still lingers,
and only cough drops can soothe and calm it down.
And those only last twenty minutes...

I've made a follow-up appointment with the physician.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 28 Dec 23 - 02:28 PM

Thanks, Mrrzy, for telling me.
Good to know that everybody's well wishes came at least partially true.
Good luck with the rare side effect!

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 Dec 23 - 12:40 PM

Surgery went well. See the Interesting Times thread for the horrible rare side effect... can't do without one of those!

Meanwhile, on the tower, as Edward Gorey wrote,..

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 25 Dec 23 - 10:14 AM

I live from one dose of cough syrup to the next --
don't know if it's Long COVID or some other menace.

Anyway, I can eat dinner with everybody at the Christmas table today.

Subject: RE: BS: stay afloat while others don't
From: keberoxu
Date: 23 Dec 23 - 06:59 PM

Facemask off tomorrow
and I can eat at the same table with others now.

I Just have to watch that residual cough.