BS: First joke thread of 2018

Subject: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 12 Oct 17 - 11:05 AM

a joke.
for Steve Shaw.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Oct 17 - 11:09 AM

Very good. Much better than your Russian one!

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 12 Oct 17 - 11:49 AM

??

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Oct 17 - 06:22 PM

Horse walks into a pub. Barman says this pint's on me, so why the long face?

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 13 Oct 17 - 03:10 AM

A panda walks into a pub, walks up to the bar and says "I'll have a ..............................

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 13 Oct 17 - 03:11 AM

.............................

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 13 Oct 17 - 03:12 AM

............ a pint of ale please"

"certainly sir, but why the large pause"

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Oct 17 - 08:53 AM

“.....because I have a bit of a stammer,” answered Ed Miliband.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 15 Oct 17 - 10:50 AM

A British doctor brags to colleagues: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we removed a man's backbone, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for work."

The German surgeon replies; “In Germany we removed a section of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he too is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took a beating heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he started a new job."

The American doctor sighs, saying; "You are all still behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no backbone and he got a job overnight, as our President

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 31 Dec 17 - 05:31 AM

Might as well refresh rather than start a new thread.

A Latvian man on his way to work notices some Russians digging holes and piling the earth in mounds. At the dinner break he notices the Russians sitting on the piles. As he plods home he sees another set of Russians filling in the holes, so he asks them what they were doing.
"Planting trees" came the reply. "But where are the trees" the Latvian asks. "Ah! Well, Dimitri is the tree planter and he is off sick today"

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 31 Dec 17 - 02:10 PM

From the Damian Green thread:
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Dec 17 - 06:45 AM
"One-eyed Brown?" Jayz, that sez all there needs to be said about you, Iains. Do you kick cripples' crutches away in the street too?

From this thread:
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Oct 17 - 08:53 AM
".....because I have a bit of a stammer," answered Ed Miliband.

So how is taking a dig at someone who lost the sight of one eye in a rugby match worse than taking a dig at someone with a congenital stammer?

Double standards anyone?

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mrrzy
Date: 31 Dec 17 - 03:08 PM

Resolutions go in one year and out the other.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Dec 17 - 04:44 PM

First I'd heard about a stammer! I just made that up. If he does have one I withdraw that remark. I do admire your thread research skills, Nigel (though I do wonder what you do to fill the rest of your life). Just keep joking in this thread, Nigel.

Did I tell you the one about the woman who sat in a bathful of glue?

Disarster...

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 31 Dec 17 - 04:59 PM

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the ocean?

Bob.

I was never any good at PC.

:D tG

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Dec 17 - 05:00 PM

I can't find anything about Ed Miliband having a stammer. Ed Balls does suffer from a stammer. I suspect you have confused the two. I would never knowingly make fun of someone's disability.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Dec 17 - 05:02 PM

Yebbut Dave, what do you call a man with no arms or legs who swims the Channel?


Clever Dick...

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mrrzy
Date: 31 Dec 17 - 06:08 PM

Steve, that was bally awful.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 31 Dec 17 - 06:25 PM

Damian Dick private eye. The rolling black outs hit my side of town hard this dark winter. The Recession hasn't spared many. I'll take on any work I can find now including lost or unfaithful pets. So I said yes on a phone call, while sitting in the dark, from a woman who claims to have lost her wombat. With the vague promise of a deposit I headed down to Rapscallion bar and grill.

By candlelight her shapely figure and legs that went all the way to the floor were silhouetted in the smoke. Then I caught a glance of her face. It would've made Stevie Wonder cringe too. Confident I repeated my best pick up line "you must have fallen all the way from heaven,
cuz yur face is all messed up". Despite the stars I was seeing I was suddenly sober. Then she spoke softly behind her fist, "you're Damian Dick and I have a job for you, Rick Perry has been missing for 3 months and we need you to find him". The energy Secretary?
"Yes" Then I'll do it for a cool 100 grand.
"no you will do it for nothing"
Why would I do that?
"Because he knows nothing, does nothing and is worth nothing".
Pardon me miss I have a wombat to return.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Andrez
Date: 01 Jan 18 - 06:29 AM

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

Best wishes to all 'catters for 2018

Cheers, Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 01 Jan 18 - 08:39 AM

Policeman walking along the road encounters two men, one lying face down on the pavement with his trousers around his ankles, the other kneeling next to him with a finger up his mate's backside
"'Allo, 'allo, 'allo, what are you tow doing here?" asks the policeman.
"My mate's drunk and I'm trying to make him sick" says the kneeling man
"You'll never make him sick like that", says the bobby
"I will when I put my finger in his mouth", came the reply
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Jan 18 - 05:03 PM

Andrez - best joke of 2018 !

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Jan 18 - 04:18 PM

reflush

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Jan 18 - 04:29 PM

Typical White House Briefing

WH: It is disgraceful and laughable to claim the President does not fit his office.

No I claimed he is unfit for his office

WH: He is perfectly fit from all the golf he plays

You don't understand...

WH: No you don't understand, (whispers) if I claim to understand I will lose my job.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 Jan 18 - 01:02 AM

How do you like your lemon pie, you strumpet?

...

Tart!

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Feb 18 - 08:36 AM

OK, I went on the Star Trek Cruise, and Neelix, or maybe it was the hl=olograph Doctor, told this joke:

So, an old man goes to his rabbi, to get advice on how to, um, satisfy, his wife. The rabbi gives him this advice, he comes back, it didn't work. He gives him that advice, he comes back, it didn't work.

So the rabbi says, get yourself a young man and a towel. You get on top of your wife, and while you are, um, attempting to satisfy her, the young man should wave the towel.

Next day the old man comes back, that didn't work either. OK, says the rabbi, switch places. The young man should get on your wife, and you wave the towel.

So that night the young man is on the wife, the old man is waving the towel, and the woman has a screaming, earth-shattering orgasm.

Afterwards the old man turns to the young man and says Sonny, now THAT's how you wave a towel!

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Mar 18 - 04:35 AM

An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill… He thought he’d fire the employee who came late to work. The next morning, both employees came to work very early. So the manager thought he would fire the first one who took a coffee break.

Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break – strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk.

Then the manager thought he’d wait to see who would leave work the earliest, but both employees stayed after closing.

Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, “Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don’t know whether to lay you or Jack off.”

Jill said, “Well, you’d better jack off, because I’m late for my bus.”

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Mar 18 - 05:43 AM

Heheh!

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Mar 18 - 05:17 PM

A woman is fed up with her husband because he has a crush on Brigitte Bardot. She decides to try to win back his affections so she goes to a tattooist and asks him to tattoo "BB" on her breasts. He gently advises her that, later in life when things, er, go south, the result will not be very impressive, so he suggests putting the tattoo on the cheeks of her arse instead. The deed is done.

That night she greets her husband by turning round, bending over and lifting up her skirt. "What do you think?" she says.

"Who the hell is Bob?" he asks.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 05 Mar 18 - 07:15 AM

Ho Ho.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Mar 18 - 09:16 AM

OK, stolen fair and square:

A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

A question mark walks into a bar?

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Joe_F
Date: 05 Mar 18 - 05:50 PM

"Doctor, I took one of these so-called suppositories every morning, just like you said, and for all the good they did me, I might as well have shoved them up my ass."

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Mar 18 - 07:09 PM

My wife said to me, I don't know why but these shoes are killing me and I can hardly walk in them!

I said to her, you've got them on the wrong feet.

She said, but these are the only feet I have...

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 07 Mar 18 - 03:00 AM

What's the difference between the Rollong Stones & a Scottish sheep farmer?

The Rolling Stones said "Hey, you, get offa my cloud"
and the Farmer said "Hey MaCleod, get offa my ...................."

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Mar 18 - 08:16 AM

What do you call a sheep farmer who keeps goats?

Bisexual.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 Mar 18 - 09:38 AM

What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

The rooster clucks defiance...

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 Mar 18 - 01:24 PM

Two secretaries (female, of course) were eating lunch at their desks when two bosses (male, of course) strolled thru. One boss told the other, "Do you know what the Pope did to keep the cardinals on their toes? He raised all the urinals in the Vatican two inches." After they were gone, one secretary asked the other, "What's a urinal?" and the other replied, "How should I know? I'm not a Catholic."

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Mar 18 - 08:39 AM

I made this one up myself - someone asked what my favorite color was and I said, I'm a nonbinary parent, so, of course, magenta!

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Mar 18 - 12:49 PM

One from Tommy Cooper on the telly the other night:

A short-sighted bank robber went into the bank, pointed his gun and shouted "Right, stick 'em up!...Are they up??"

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Joe_F
Date: 26 Mar 18 - 06:14 PM

"No, no, nurse! I said *prick* his *boil*.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 27 Mar 18 - 03:42 PM

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for £10 each.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at £10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at £20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to £25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at £50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at £35, and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for £50 each."
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man or his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Joe_F
Date: 27 Mar 18 - 05:01 PM

In Russia, in days gone by, two brothers who kept a tavern together took a barrel into town to buy some vodka. After filling the barrel, they took care to warn each other not to dip into it -- this was business, not pleasure. However, as the air grew colder the temptation grew stronger, until at last one said to the other, "Here is a kopeck. Give me a shot out of your half of the barrel." Well, business is business; he couldn't turn down a paying customer. So now *he* had the kopeck, and that gave him an idea. By the time the horses had found their way home, the brothers agreed that business had never been better.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: HuwG
Date: 29 Mar 18 - 06:49 AM

Copied from Declutter & Fitness - Clearing Out the House


I turned sixty years old a few weeks ago. I celebrated by having a declutter.

I threw out a load of Dusty Springfield memorabilia.

But now I just don't know what to do with my shelf.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 30 Mar 18 - 02:21 AM

:)

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 30 Mar 18 - 05:19 AM

My ex wife insisted that she was 'The Monkees' greatest fan. At first I didn't believe her 'And then I saw her face'

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 30 Mar 18 - 12:49 PM

Surely that was Diana Abbott!!!

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Mar 18 - 03:42 PM

It's Diane. And don't be so bloody horrible.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Michael
Date: 30 Mar 18 - 05:03 PM

I was a Monkees fan, now I'm a Belieber.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Mar 18 - 05:10 PM

I used to like tractors but now I hate them. I'm an extractor fan.

I was a citizen of Crete, but no more. I'm excretion.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 01 Apr 18 - 08:19 AM

West London police wish to alert local residents about the activities of the infamous cross-eyed burglar. If you see this man staring in your windows, warn the people next door!

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 01 Apr 18 - 08:22 AM

After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he’s looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn’t find him, he’s going to use both eyes.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 01 Apr 18 - 08:25 AM

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston by-pass. Motorists are asked to be on the look-out for 16 hardened criminals!

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: frogprince
Date: 01 Apr 18 - 12:20 PM

Bonzo got one detail wrong; it wasn't a cement truck, it was a shipment of Viagra.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 01 Apr 18 - 04:13 PM

eddie izzard?????

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Apr 18 - 04:38 PM

With couples like Branjolina , Kimye and Billary the latest president-porn star couple should be called Shitstorm.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: G-Force
Date: 02 Apr 18 - 06:06 AM

I must admit it was April 1st when I heard the Eddie Izzaed story, and I drew the obvious conclusion ...

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Apr 18 - 07:20 AM

I visited the local Pharmacy and asked the lovely lady behind the counter to tell me about Viagra. She duly obliged aqndas a result I decided to give it a try. I asked 'Can I get it over the counter' ?~.. she replied 'You can if you take two'.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Apr 18 - 05:38 AM

The old mans’ death was imminent and all the family were gathered round the hospital bed. His youngest grandson, little Nicky, climbed on the bed and asked of the old man ‘’Grandad, can you make a noise like a frog’’~??. The old man said ‘’Why lad’’??. To this the young lad replied ‘’Because Mommy said that when you croak, we can all go to Disneyland’’

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 04 Apr 18 - 05:49 AM

Viagra eye drops. For when you want to look hard.

And while we are up that alley:

Am man in the local library asked for a book on "penises"
the librarian apologises "it is not in yet"
"That's the one" the man says.

Obviously in hardback.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 04 Apr 18 - 03:48 PM

I want to insure myself against becoming Jewish!!!

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 05 Apr 18 - 03:19 PM

A brilliant sketch!!!

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Apr 18 - 05:52 PM

you're gonna die soon for that.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 06 Apr 18 - 05:28 PM

Spike Milligan's Irish Jokes !!

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Apr 18 - 11:07 AM

When I first became interested in astronomy I installed a skylight.
The people who lived upstairs were furious.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 08 Apr 18 - 11:34 AM

A warning to all in our area folks. Be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went on to wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit I decided to leave my car at the bar and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accident, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from !!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: frogprince
Date: 08 Apr 18 - 04:30 PM

Georgiansilver reminded me of one New Year's eve in Chicago; I happened to park by a club about four blocks from my apartment, and went in to have a last one for the night. Then I had a couple more. Fortunately I did sense that I had best come back for the car another day. I almost made it home without incident, but as I was rounding the last corner, someone stepped on my hand.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Apr 18 - 07:09 AM

Ha Ha frogprince. You were obviously climbing the North face of a local street!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: gillymor
Date: 09 Apr 18 - 07:43 AM

While we're on the subject of alcohol consumption always remember that it's no fun to drink alone...until you've had 2 or 3.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Gurney
Date: 28 Apr 18 - 08:33 PM

This one was a bit glib so it may be well-known, but I hadn't heard it.

What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

A Hippo is a heavy animal, and a Zippo is a little lighter.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 29 Apr 18 - 04:43 AM

Hey! Is U flaming us?

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Joe_F
Date: 29 Apr 18 - 08:11 PM

I wish I had never been born -- but who has such luck? Not one in ten thousand.

Who was Aristotle's purple pupil?
Alexander the grape.

Why do so many people smoke after intercourse?
Inadequate lubrication.

What is half of one and six dozen of the other?
A gross discrepancy.

Why were you born in New York?
I wanted to be near my mother.

What's a joint like this doing in a nice girl like you?

How do you tell the men from the boys?
By the size of their feet and price of their toys.

Isn't there any other part of the matzo you can eat?

What comes between fear and sex?
Fumph.

What do Christian Science, creation science, political science, and computer science have in common?

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 30 Apr 18 - 03:23 AM

they are a science of the times?

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Joe_F
Date: 30 Apr 18 - 06:11 PM

They are not sciences.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Pete from seven stars link
Date: 01 May 18 - 09:24 AM

Don't know , other than the word 'science' .      You might have to explain this one

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: BobL
Date: 02 May 18 - 03:30 AM

In what way is Computer Science not a science?

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 02 May 18 - 03:39 AM

Micro$oft?

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Senoufou
Date: 08 May 18 - 04:02 AM

Do you think glass coffins will ever catch on?

Remains to be seen....

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 08 May 18 - 04:24 AM

well they won't be throwing stones.........

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: FreddyHeadey
Date: 19 Jun 18 - 01:09 PM

At the time of The Flood it was decided that the koi deserved their own ark.
It had to be towed behind the main ark. On a very long rope. They needed the protection of their ark but also deserved some freedom.
The koi would sometimes go off on a little adventure and when they came back they would tell Noah where they'd been and what they'd done.
Noah looked forward to this and day after day there was a new story for him.
Noah was very pleased he'd given them their very own ark.
He thought that this was probably the very first multi-story carp ark.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Jun 18 - 07:47 PM

Sketch: Pitching a comedy at a publishers office

Its a Comedy like a funny thing happened on the way to the forum against the backdrop of modern day Washington when Comey has Wieners lap top while Pecker of National Enquirer is hooked up with Cohen and Tom Arnold where a President's Porn St...

Hold it right there, we don't publish non fiction here at Randy House.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Jun 18 - 03:47 PM

The man who invented predictive text has passed away. His funfair is on Monkey

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Jul 18 - 04:04 AM

A young woman told her doctor that every time she thought about sex she started to itch between her toes.

"That's an interesting condition," said the doc. "You mean in between your middle toes, that sort of thing?"

"No, doc, between my big toes..."

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 09 Jul 18 - 07:51 AM

How do you treat woodworm?

With a nice piece of mahogany.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mrrzy
Date: 14 Dec 18 - 06:48 PM

If a Christmas tree falls in the forest and there is nobody around...

...Do you hear what I hear?

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Dec 18 - 09:26 PM

delicioso l'aroma c'est magnifique

anymore Carol jokes?

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: SamStone
Date: 17 Dec 18 - 03:30 PM

old mother hubbard went to the cubbard to get her poor doag a bone...

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: SamStone
Date: 17 Dec 18 - 03:30 PM

should read "dog"

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Dec 18 - 05:34 PM

Our cupboard is boneless but our closet might have a skeleton.

In my new book 'Trump's Travels' Donald is tied down by many LittlePutins.

A person's opinion of best and worst is a picture window to the soul;
Trump's best Xmas movie is 'Die Hard' and his worst is 'Its a Wonderful Life'.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Dec 18 - 01:10 PM

Opioids and Hemorrhoids have one thing in common, constipating oids.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Dec 18 - 04:21 PM

With all due empathy, When Rap is hungry he dreams of a giant donut








pillow

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Dec 18 - 04:55 PM

Anyone got an actual joke?

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Dec 18 - 06:40 PM

Ken Dodd was on Radio 4 yesterday. He was telling us about the one-armed butler: he could dish it out all right but he couldn't take it...

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Dec 18 - 07:22 PM

Dammit, it was Tim Vine, not Doddy, and I got the joke the wrong way round!

The moment has passed...

ANYWAY, Doddy said that his real name was Kenneth Tuesday Dodd. When Tim Vine asked him why, he said that when he was born his dad took one look at him and said to his mum, we'd better call it a day...

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Dec 18 - 09:18 PM

Perhaps how the Butler lost his arm was the funny part?

Or maybe how he can still play the ukulele when sexually excited?

Or maybe Ken Dodd has multiple amputations and can only play a kazoo?

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Dec 18 - 09:46 PM

When Thor was born his dad witnessed his son's unquenchable appetite and said that's my boy, we'd better call it a day.

Thursday Thirsty Thirston the Third

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Ed T
Date: 20 Dec 18 - 08:30 AM

A Texan said it was so flat where he lived that when his dog ran away he could still see him for two weeks.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 21 Dec 18 - 03:27 AM

Tim Vine joke (probably the best he ever told)

I went out with a girl called Simile, I don't know what I metaphore

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Senoufou
Date: 22 Dec 18 - 06:55 PM

Doctor to private patient:-

"I'm afraid you need a double amputation Mr Smith.
It's going to cost you an arm and a leg."

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Michael
Date: 23 Dec 18 - 06:00 AM

I think you went out on a limb there, Eliza.

Merry Christmas
Mike

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 23 Dec 18 - 06:22 AM

Remember at this festive time, a dog is not just for Christmas;

..... with a little imagination and a stock cube, it can last through to Boxing Day.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Senoufou
Date: 23 Dec 18 - 08:50 AM

I agree Michael, I don't have a leg to stand on do I? :)

Merry Christmas to you too.
Eliza

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Michael
Date: 24 Dec 18 - 06:57 PM

True Eliza but it's all 'armless fun.

Mike