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BS: First joke thread of 2018

Nigel Parsons 09 Jul 18 - 07:51 AM
Steve Shaw 07 Jul 18 - 04:04 AM
Georgiansilver 23 Jun 18 - 03:47 PM
Donuel 22 Jun 18 - 07:47 PM
FreddyHeadey 19 Jun 18 - 01:09 PM
Mr Red 08 May 18 - 04:24 AM
Senoufou 08 May 18 - 04:02 AM
Mr Red 02 May 18 - 03:39 AM
BobL 02 May 18 - 03:30 AM
Pete from seven stars link 01 May 18 - 09:24 AM
Joe_F 30 Apr 18 - 06:11 PM
Mr Red 30 Apr 18 - 03:23 AM
Joe_F 29 Apr 18 - 08:11 PM
Mr Red 29 Apr 18 - 04:43 AM
Gurney 28 Apr 18 - 08:33 PM
gillymor 09 Apr 18 - 07:43 AM
Georgiansilver 09 Apr 18 - 07:09 AM
frogprince 08 Apr 18 - 04:30 PM
Georgiansilver 08 Apr 18 - 11:34 AM
Donuel 08 Apr 18 - 11:07 AM
Bonzo3legs 06 Apr 18 - 05:28 PM
Donuel 05 Apr 18 - 05:52 PM
Bonzo3legs 05 Apr 18 - 03:19 PM
Bonzo3legs 04 Apr 18 - 03:48 PM
Mr Red 04 Apr 18 - 05:49 AM
Georgiansilver 04 Apr 18 - 05:38 AM
Georgiansilver 02 Apr 18 - 07:20 AM
G-Force 02 Apr 18 - 06:06 AM
Donuel 01 Apr 18 - 04:38 PM
Bonzo3legs 01 Apr 18 - 04:13 PM
frogprince 01 Apr 18 - 12:20 PM
Bonzo3legs 01 Apr 18 - 08:25 AM
Bonzo3legs 01 Apr 18 - 08:22 AM
Bonzo3legs 01 Apr 18 - 08:19 AM
Steve Shaw 30 Mar 18 - 05:10 PM
Michael 30 Mar 18 - 05:03 PM
Steve Shaw 30 Mar 18 - 03:42 PM
Bonzo3legs 30 Mar 18 - 12:49 PM
Georgiansilver 30 Mar 18 - 05:19 AM
Mr Red 30 Mar 18 - 02:21 AM
HuwG 29 Mar 18 - 06:49 AM
Joe_F 27 Mar 18 - 05:01 PM
Georgiansilver 27 Mar 18 - 03:42 PM
Joe_F 26 Mar 18 - 06:14 PM
Steve Shaw 26 Mar 18 - 12:49 PM
Mrrzy 26 Mar 18 - 08:39 AM
Joe_F 07 Mar 18 - 01:24 PM
Mrrzy 07 Mar 18 - 09:38 AM
Dave the Gnome 07 Mar 18 - 08:16 AM
Mr Red 07 Mar 18 - 03:00 AM

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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 09 Jul 18 - 07:51 AM

How do you treat woodworm?

With a nice piece of mahogany.


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Jul 18 - 04:04 AM

A young woman told her doctor that every time she thought about sex she started to itch between her toes.

"That's an interesting condition," said the doc. "You mean in between your middle toes, that sort of thing?"

"No, doc, between my big toes..."


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Jun 18 - 03:47 PM

The man who invented predictive text has passed away. His funfair is on Monkey


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Jun 18 - 07:47 PM

Sketch: Pitching a comedy at a publishers office

Its a Comedy like a funny thing happened on the way to the forum against the backdrop of modern day Washington when Comey has Wieners lap top while Pecker of National Enquirer is hooked up with Cohen and Tom Arnold where a President's Porn St...

Hold it right there, we don't publish non fiction here at Randy House.


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: FreddyHeadey
Date: 19 Jun 18 - 01:09 PM

At the time of The Flood it was decided that the koi deserved their own ark.
It had to be towed behind the main ark. On a very long rope. They needed the protection of their ark but also deserved some freedom.
The koi would sometimes go off on a little adventure and when they came back they would tell Noah where they'd been and what they'd done.
Noah looked forward to this and day after day there was a new story for him.
Noah was very pleased he'd given them their very own ark.
He thought that this was probably the very first multi-story carp ark.


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 08 May 18 - 04:24 AM

well they won't be throwing stones.........


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Senoufou
Date: 08 May 18 - 04:02 AM

Do you think glass coffins will ever catch on?

Remains to be seen....


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 02 May 18 - 03:39 AM

Micro$oft?


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: BobL
Date: 02 May 18 - 03:30 AM

In what way is Computer Science not a science?


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Pete from seven stars link
Date: 01 May 18 - 09:24 AM

Don't know , other than the word 'science' .      You might have to explain this one


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Joe_F
Date: 30 Apr 18 - 06:11 PM

They are not sciences.


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 30 Apr 18 - 03:23 AM

they are a science of the times?


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Joe_F
Date: 29 Apr 18 - 08:11 PM

I wish I had never been born -- but who has such luck? Not one in ten thousand.

Who was Aristotle's purple pupil?
Alexander the grape.

Why do so many people smoke after intercourse?
Inadequate lubrication.

What is half of one and six dozen of the other?
A gross discrepancy.

Why were you born in New York?
I wanted to be near my mother.

What's a joint like this doing in a nice girl like you?

How do you tell the men from the boys?
By the size of their feet and price of their toys.

Isn't there any other part of the matzo you can eat?

What comes between fear and sex?
Fumph.

What do Christian Science, creation science, political science, and computer science have in common?


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 29 Apr 18 - 04:43 AM

Hey! Is U flaming us?


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Gurney
Date: 28 Apr 18 - 08:33 PM

This one was a bit glib so it may be well-known, but I hadn't heard it.

What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

A Hippo is a heavy animal, and a Zippo is a little lighter.


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: gillymor
Date: 09 Apr 18 - 07:43 AM

While we're on the subject of alcohol consumption always remember that it's no fun to drink alone...until you've had 2 or 3.


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Apr 18 - 07:09 AM

Ha Ha frogprince. You were obviously climbing the North face of a local street!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: frogprince
Date: 08 Apr 18 - 04:30 PM

Georgiansilver reminded me of one New Year's eve in Chicago; I happened to park by a club about four blocks from my apartment, and went in to have a last one for the night. Then I had a couple more. Fortunately I did sense that I had best come back for the car another day. I almost made it home without incident, but as I was rounding the last corner, someone stepped on my hand.


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 08 Apr 18 - 11:34 AM

A warning to all in our area folks. Be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went on to wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit I decided to leave my car at the bar and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accident, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from !!!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Apr 18 - 11:07 AM

When I first became interested in astronomy I installed a skylight.
The people who lived upstairs were furious.


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 06 Apr 18 - 05:28 PM

Spike Milligan's Irish Jokes !!


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Apr 18 - 05:52 PM

you're gonna die soon for that.


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 05 Apr 18 - 03:19 PM

A brilliant sketch!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 04 Apr 18 - 03:48 PM

I want to insure myself against becoming Jewish!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 04 Apr 18 - 05:49 AM

Viagra eye drops. For when you want to look hard.

And while we are up that alley:

Am man in the local library asked for a book on "penises"
the librarian apologises "it is not in yet"
"That's the one" the man says.

Obviously in hardback.


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Apr 18 - 05:38 AM

The old mans’ death was imminent and all the family were gathered round the hospital bed. His youngest grandson, little Nicky, climbed on the bed and asked of the old man ‘’Grandad, can you make a noise like a frog’’~??. The old man said ‘’Why lad’’??. To this the young lad replied ‘’Because Mommy said that when you croak, we can all go to Disneyland’’


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Apr 18 - 07:20 AM

I visited the local Pharmacy and asked the lovely lady behind the counter to tell me about Viagra. She duly obliged aqndas a result I decided to give it a try. I asked 'Can I get it over the counter' ?~.. she replied 'You can if you take two'.


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: G-Force
Date: 02 Apr 18 - 06:06 AM

I must admit it was April 1st when I heard the Eddie Izzaed story, and I drew the obvious conclusion ...


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Apr 18 - 04:38 PM

With couples like Branjolina , Kimye and Billary the latest president-porn star couple should be called Shitstorm.


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 01 Apr 18 - 04:13 PM

eddie izzard?????


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: frogprince
Date: 01 Apr 18 - 12:20 PM

Bonzo got one detail wrong; it wasn't a cement truck, it was a shipment of Viagra.


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 01 Apr 18 - 08:25 AM

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston by-pass. Motorists are asked to be on the look-out for 16 hardened criminals!


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 01 Apr 18 - 08:22 AM

After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he’s looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn’t find him, he’s going to use both eyes.


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 01 Apr 18 - 08:19 AM

West London police wish to alert local residents about the activities of the infamous cross-eyed burglar. If you see this man staring in your windows, warn the people next door!


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Mar 18 - 05:10 PM

I used to like tractors but now I hate them. I'm an extractor fan.

I was a citizen of Crete, but no more. I'm excretion.


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Michael
Date: 30 Mar 18 - 05:03 PM

I was a Monkees fan, now I'm a Belieber.


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Mar 18 - 03:42 PM

It's Diane. And don't be so bloody horrible.


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 30 Mar 18 - 12:49 PM

Surely that was Diana Abbott!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 30 Mar 18 - 05:19 AM

My ex wife insisted that she was 'The Monkees' greatest fan. At first I didn't believe her 'And then I saw her face'


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 30 Mar 18 - 02:21 AM

:)


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: HuwG
Date: 29 Mar 18 - 06:49 AM

Copied from Declutter & Fitness - Clearing Out the House


I turned sixty years old a few weeks ago. I celebrated by having a declutter.

I threw out a load of Dusty Springfield memorabilia.

But now I just don't know what to do with my shelf.


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Joe_F
Date: 27 Mar 18 - 05:01 PM

In Russia, in days gone by, two brothers who kept a tavern together took a barrel into town to buy some vodka. After filling the barrel, they took care to warn each other not to dip into it -- this was business, not pleasure. However, as the air grew colder the temptation grew stronger, until at last one said to the other, "Here is a kopeck. Give me a shot out of your half of the barrel." Well, business is business; he couldn't turn down a paying customer. So now *he* had the kopeck, and that gave him an idea. By the time the horses had found their way home, the brothers agreed that business had never been better.


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 27 Mar 18 - 03:42 PM

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for£10 each.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at £10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at £20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to £25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at £50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at £35, and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for £50 each."
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man or his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Joe_F
Date: 26 Mar 18 - 06:14 PM

"No, no, nurse! I said *prick* his *boil*.


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Mar 18 - 12:49 PM

One from Tommy Cooper on the telly the other night:

A short-sighted bank robber went into the bank, pointed his gun and shouted "Right, stick 'em up!...Are they up??"


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Mar 18 - 08:39 AM

I made this one up myself - someone asked what my favorite color was and I said, I'm a nonbinary parent, so, of course, magenta!


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 Mar 18 - 01:24 PM

Two secretaries (female, of course) were eating lunch at their desks when two bosses (male, of course) strolled thru. One boss told the other, "Do you know what the Pope did to keep the cardinals on their toes? He raised all the urinals in the Vatican two inches." After they were gone, one secretary asked the other, "What's a urinal?" and the other replied, "How should I know? I'm not a Catholic."


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 Mar 18 - 09:38 AM

What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

The rooster clucks defiance...


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Mar 18 - 08:16 AM

What do you call a sheep farmer who keeps goats?

Bisexual.


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Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 07 Mar 18 - 03:00 AM

What's the difference between the Rollong Stones & a Scottish sheep farmer?

The Rolling Stones said "Hey, you, get offa my cloud"
and the Farmer said "Hey MaCleod, get offa my ...................."


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