BS: First joke thread of 2018

Subject: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 12 Oct 17 - 11:05 AM

a joke.
for Steve Shaw.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Oct 17 - 11:09 AM

Very good. Much better than your Russian one!

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 12 Oct 17 - 11:49 AM

??

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 12 Oct 17 - 06:22 PM

Horse walks into a pub. Barman says this pint's on me, so why the long face?

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 13 Oct 17 - 03:10 AM

A panda walks into a pub, walks up to the bar and says "I'll have a ..............................

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 13 Oct 17 - 03:11 AM

.............................

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 13 Oct 17 - 03:12 AM

............ a pint of ale please"

"certainly sir, but why the large pause"

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Oct 17 - 08:53 AM

“.....because I have a bit of a stammer,” answered Ed Miliband.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 15 Oct 17 - 10:50 AM

A British doctor brags to colleagues: "In Britain, medicine is so advanced that we removed a man's backbone, put it in another man, and in 6 weeks, he was looking for work."

The German surgeon replies; “In Germany we removed a section of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he too is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we took a beating heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he started a new job."

The American doctor sighs, saying; "You are all still behind us. A few months ago, we took a man with no brain, no heart, and no backbone and he got a job overnight, as our President

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 31 Dec 17 - 05:31 AM

Might as well refresh rather than start a new thread.

A Latvian man on his way to work notices some Russians digging holes and piling the earth in mounds. At the dinner break he notices the Russians sitting on the piles. As he plods home he sees another set of Russians filling in the holes, so he asks them what they were doing.
"Planting trees" came the reply. "But where are the trees" the Latvian asks. "Ah! Well, Dimitri is the tree planter and he is off sick today"

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 31 Dec 17 - 02:10 PM

From the Damian Green thread:
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Dec 17 - 06:45 AM
"One-eyed Brown?" Jayz, that sez all there needs to be said about you, Iains. Do you kick cripples' crutches away in the street too?

From this thread:
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 13 Oct 17 - 08:53 AM
".....because I have a bit of a stammer," answered Ed Miliband.

So how is taking a dig at someone who lost the sight of one eye in a rugby match worse than taking a dig at someone with a congenital stammer?

Double standards anyone?

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mrrzy
Date: 31 Dec 17 - 03:08 PM

Resolutions go in one year and out the other.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Dec 17 - 04:44 PM

First I'd heard about a stammer! I just made that up. If he does have one I withdraw that remark. I do admire your thread research skills, Nigel (though I do wonder what you do to fill the rest of your life). Just keep joking in this thread, Nigel.

Did I tell you the one about the woman who sat in a bathful of glue?

Disarster...

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 31 Dec 17 - 04:59 PM

What do you call a man with no arms or legs in the ocean?

Bob.

I was never any good at PC.

:D tG

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Dec 17 - 05:00 PM

I can't find anything about Ed Miliband having a stammer. Ed Balls does suffer from a stammer. I suspect you have confused the two. I would never knowingly make fun of someone's disability.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Dec 17 - 05:02 PM

Yebbut Dave, what do you call a man with no arms or legs who swims the Channel?


Clever Dick...

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mrrzy
Date: 31 Dec 17 - 06:08 PM

Steve, that was bally awful.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 31 Dec 17 - 06:25 PM

Damian Dick private eye. The rolling black outs hit my side of town hard this dark winter. The Recession hasn't spared many. I'll take on any work I can find now including lost or unfaithful pets. So I said yes on a phone call, while sitting in the dark, from a woman who claims to have lost her wombat. With the vague promise of a deposit I headed down to Rapscallion bar and grill.

By candlelight her shapely figure and legs that went all the way to the floor were silhouetted in the smoke. Then I caught a glance of her face. It would've made Stevie Wonder cringe too. Confident I repeated my best pick up line "you must have fallen all the way from heaven,
cuz yur face is all messed up". Despite the stars I was seeing I was suddenly sober. Then she spoke softly behind her fist, "you're Damian Dick and I have a job for you, Rick Perry has been missing for 3 months and we need you to find him". The energy Secretary?
"Yes" Then I'll do it for a cool 100 grand.
"no you will do it for nothing"
Why would I do that?
"Because he knows nothing, does nothing and is worth nothing".
Pardon me miss I have a wombat to return.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Andrez
Date: 01 Jan 18 - 06:29 AM

Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.

If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are depressed, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
If you are delusional and occasionally hallucinate, please be aware that the thing you are holding on the side of your head is alive and about to bite off your ear.

Best wishes to all 'catters for 2018

Cheers, Andrez

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 01 Jan 18 - 08:39 AM

Policeman walking along the road encounters two men, one lying face down on the pavement with his trousers around his ankles, the other kneeling next to him with a finger up his mate's backside
"'Allo, 'allo, 'allo, what are you tow doing here?" asks the policeman.
"My mate's drunk and I'm trying to make him sick" says the kneeling man
"You'll never make him sick like that", says the bobby
"I will when I put my finger in his mouth", came the reply
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Jan 18 - 05:03 PM

Andrez - best joke of 2018 !

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Jan 18 - 04:18 PM

reflush

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Jan 18 - 04:29 PM

Typical White House Briefing

WH: It is disgraceful and laughable to claim the President does not fit his office.

No I claimed he is unfit for his office

WH: He is perfectly fit from all the golf he plays

You don't understand...

WH: No you don't understand, (whispers) if I claim to understand I will lose my job.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 Jan 18 - 01:02 AM

How do you like your lemon pie, you strumpet?

...

Tart!

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mrrzy
Date: 02 Feb 18 - 08:36 AM

OK, I went on the Star Trek Cruise, and Neelix, or maybe it was the hl=olograph Doctor, told this joke:

So, an old man goes to his rabbi, to get advice on how to, um, satisfy, his wife. The rabbi gives him this advice, he comes back, it didn't work. He gives him that advice, he comes back, it didn't work.

So the rabbi says, get yourself a young man and a towel. You get on top of your wife, and while you are, um, attempting to satisfy her, the young man should wave the towel.

Next day the old man comes back, that didn't work either. OK, says the rabbi, switch places. The young man should get on your wife, and you wave the towel.

So that night the young man is on the wife, the old man is waving the towel, and the woman has a screaming, earth-shattering orgasm.

Afterwards the old man turns to the young man and says Sonny, now THAT's how you wave a towel!

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Mar 18 - 04:35 AM

An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill… He thought he’d fire the employee who came late to work. The next morning, both employees came to work very early. So the manager thought he would fire the first one who took a coffee break.

Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break – strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk.

Then the manager thought he’d wait to see who would leave work the earliest, but both employees stayed after closing.

Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, “Jill, I have a terrible problem. I don’t know whether to lay you or Jack off.”

Jill said, “Well, you’d better jack off, because I’m late for my bus.”

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Mar 18 - 05:43 AM

Heheh!

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Mar 18 - 05:17 PM

A woman is fed up with her husband because he has a crush on Brigitte Bardot. She decides to try to win back his affections so she goes to a tattooist and asks him to tattoo "BB" on her breasts. He gently advises her that, later in life when things, er, go south, the result will not be very impressive, so he suggests putting the tattoo on the cheeks of her arse instead. The deed is done.

That night she greets her husband by turning round, bending over and lifting up her skirt. "What do you think?" she says.

"Who the hell is Bob?" he asks.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 05 Mar 18 - 07:15 AM

Ho Ho.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Mar 18 - 09:16 AM

OK, stolen fair and square:

A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

A question mark walks into a bar?

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Joe_F
Date: 05 Mar 18 - 05:50 PM

"Doctor, I took one of these so-called suppositories every morning, just like you said, and for all the good they did me, I might as well have shoved them up my ass."

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Mar 18 - 07:09 PM

My wife said to me, I don't know why but these shoes are killing me and I can hardly walk in them!

I said to her, you've got them on the wrong feet.

She said, but these are the only feet I have...

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 07 Mar 18 - 03:00 AM

What's the difference between the Rollong Stones & a Scottish sheep farmer?

The Rolling Stones said "Hey, you, get offa my cloud"
and the Farmer said "Hey MaCleod, get offa my ...................."

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Mar 18 - 08:16 AM

What do you call a sheep farmer who keeps goats?

Bisexual.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 Mar 18 - 09:38 AM

What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?

The rooster clucks defiance...

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Joe_F
Date: 07 Mar 18 - 01:24 PM

Two secretaries (female, of course) were eating lunch at their desks when two bosses (male, of course) strolled thru. One boss told the other, "Do you know what the Pope did to keep the cardinals on their toes? He raised all the urinals in the Vatican two inches." After they were gone, one secretary asked the other, "What's a urinal?" and the other replied, "How should I know? I'm not a Catholic."

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Mar 18 - 08:39 AM

I made this one up myself - someone asked what my favorite color was and I said, I'm a nonbinary parent, so, of course, magenta!

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Mar 18 - 12:49 PM

One from Tommy Cooper on the telly the other night:

A short-sighted bank robber went into the bank, pointed his gun and shouted "Right, stick 'em up!...Are they up??"

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Joe_F
Date: 26 Mar 18 - 06:14 PM

"No, no, nurse! I said *prick* his *boil*.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 27 Mar 18 - 03:42 PM

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for £10 each.
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at £10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at £20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to £25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at £50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at £35, and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for £50 each."
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys. Then they never saw the man or his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Joe_F
Date: 27 Mar 18 - 05:01 PM

In Russia, in days gone by, two brothers who kept a tavern together took a barrel into town to buy some vodka. After filling the barrel, they took care to warn each other not to dip into it -- this was business, not pleasure. However, as the air grew colder the temptation grew stronger, until at last one said to the other, "Here is a kopeck. Give me a shot out of your half of the barrel." Well, business is business; he couldn't turn down a paying customer. So now *he* had the kopeck, and that gave him an idea. By the time the horses had found their way home, the brothers agreed that business had never been better.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: HuwG
Date: 29 Mar 18 - 06:49 AM

Copied from Declutter & Fitness - Clearing Out the House


I turned sixty years old a few weeks ago. I celebrated by having a declutter.

I threw out a load of Dusty Springfield memorabilia.

But now I just don't know what to do with my shelf.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 30 Mar 18 - 02:21 AM

:)

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 30 Mar 18 - 05:19 AM

My ex wife insisted that she was 'The Monkees' greatest fan. At first I didn't believe her 'And then I saw her face'

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 30 Mar 18 - 12:49 PM

Surely that was Diana Abbott!!!

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Mar 18 - 03:42 PM

It's Diane. And don't be so bloody horrible.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Michael
Date: 30 Mar 18 - 05:03 PM

I was a Monkees fan, now I'm a Belieber.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 30 Mar 18 - 05:10 PM

I used to like tractors but now I hate them. I'm an extractor fan.

I was a citizen of Crete, but no more. I'm excretion.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 01 Apr 18 - 08:19 AM

West London police wish to alert local residents about the activities of the infamous cross-eyed burglar. If you see this man staring in your windows, warn the people next door!

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 01 Apr 18 - 08:22 AM

After a series of crimes in the Glasgow area, Chief Inspector McTavish has announced that he’s looking for a man with one eye. If he doesn’t find him, he’s going to use both eyes.