BS: First joke thread of 2018

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Michael
Date: 24 Dec 18 - 06:57 PM

True Eliza but it's all 'armless fun.

Mike

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Senoufou
Date: 23 Dec 18 - 08:50 AM

I agree Michael, I don't have a leg to stand on do I? :)

Merry Christmas to you too.
Eliza

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 23 Dec 18 - 06:22 AM

Remember at this festive time, a dog is not just for Christmas;

..... with a little imagination and a stock cube, it can last through to Boxing Day.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Michael
Date: 23 Dec 18 - 06:00 AM

I think you went out on a limb there, Eliza.

Merry Christmas
Mike

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Senoufou
Date: 22 Dec 18 - 06:55 PM

Doctor to private patient:-

"I'm afraid you need a double amputation Mr Smith.
It's going to cost you an arm and a leg."

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 21 Dec 18 - 03:27 AM

Tim Vine joke (probably the best he ever told)

I went out with a girl called Simile, I don't know what I metaphore

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Ed T
Date: 20 Dec 18 - 08:30 AM

A Texan said it was so flat where he lived that when his dog ran away he could still see him for two weeks.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Dec 18 - 09:46 PM

When Thor was born his dad witnessed his son's unquenchable appetite and said that's my boy, we'd better call it a day.

Thursday Thirsty Thirston the Third

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Dec 18 - 09:18 PM

Perhaps how the Butler lost his arm was the funny part?

Or maybe how he can still play the ukulele when sexually excited?

Or maybe Ken Dodd has multiple amputations and can only play a kazoo?

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Dec 18 - 07:22 PM

Dammit, it was Tim Vine, not Doddy, and I got the joke the wrong way round!

The moment has passed...

ANYWAY, Doddy said that his real name was Kenneth Tuesday Dodd. When Tim Vine asked him why, he said that when he was born his dad took one look at him and said to his mum, we'd better call it a day...

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Dec 18 - 06:40 PM

Ken Dodd was on Radio 4 yesterday. He was telling us about the one-armed butler: he could dish it out all right but he couldn't take it...

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Dec 18 - 04:55 PM

Anyone got an actual joke?

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Dec 18 - 04:21 PM

With all due empathy, When Rap is hungry he dreams of a giant donut








pillow

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Dec 18 - 01:10 PM

Opioids and Hemorrhoids have one thing in common, constipating oids.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Dec 18 - 05:34 PM

Our cupboard is boneless but our closet might have a skeleton.

In my new book 'Trump's Travels' Donald is tied down by many LittlePutins.

A person's opinion of best and worst is a picture window to the soul;
Trump's best Xmas movie is 'Die Hard' and his worst is 'Its a Wonderful Life'.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: SamStone
Date: 17 Dec 18 - 03:30 PM

should read "dog"

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: SamStone
Date: 17 Dec 18 - 03:30 PM

old mother hubbard went to the cubbard to get her poor doag a bone...

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Dec 18 - 09:26 PM

delicioso l'aroma c'est magnifique

anymore Carol jokes?

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mrrzy
Date: 14 Dec 18 - 06:48 PM

If a Christmas tree falls in the forest and there is nobody around...

...Do you hear what I hear?

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 09 Jul 18 - 07:51 AM

How do you treat woodworm?

With a nice piece of mahogany.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Jul 18 - 04:04 AM

A young woman told her doctor that every time she thought about sex she started to itch between her toes.

"That's an interesting condition," said the doc. "You mean in between your middle toes, that sort of thing?"

"No, doc, between my big toes..."

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Jun 18 - 03:47 PM

The man who invented predictive text has passed away. His funfair is on Monkey

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 22 Jun 18 - 07:47 PM

Sketch: Pitching a comedy at a publishers office

Its a Comedy like a funny thing happened on the way to the forum against the backdrop of modern day Washington when Comey has Wieners lap top while Pecker of National Enquirer is hooked up with Cohen and Tom Arnold where a President's Porn St...

Hold it right there, we don't publish non fiction here at Randy House.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: FreddyHeadey
Date: 19 Jun 18 - 01:09 PM

At the time of The Flood it was decided that the koi deserved their own ark.
It had to be towed behind the main ark. On a very long rope. They needed the protection of their ark but also deserved some freedom.
The koi would sometimes go off on a little adventure and when they came back they would tell Noah where they'd been and what they'd done.
Noah looked forward to this and day after day there was a new story for him.
Noah was very pleased he'd given them their very own ark.
He thought that this was probably the very first multi-story carp ark.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 08 May 18 - 04:24 AM

well they won't be throwing stones.........

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Senoufou
Date: 08 May 18 - 04:02 AM

Do you think glass coffins will ever catch on?

Remains to be seen....

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 02 May 18 - 03:39 AM

Micro$oft?

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: BobL
Date: 02 May 18 - 03:30 AM

In what way is Computer Science not a science?

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Pete from seven stars link
Date: 01 May 18 - 09:24 AM

Don't know , other than the word 'science' .      You might have to explain this one

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Joe_F
Date: 30 Apr 18 - 06:11 PM

They are not sciences.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 30 Apr 18 - 03:23 AM

they are a science of the times?

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Joe_F
Date: 29 Apr 18 - 08:11 PM

I wish I had never been born -- but who has such luck? Not one in ten thousand.

Who was Aristotle's purple pupil?
Alexander the grape.

Why do so many people smoke after intercourse?
Inadequate lubrication.

What is half of one and six dozen of the other?
A gross discrepancy.

Why were you born in New York?
I wanted to be near my mother.

What's a joint like this doing in a nice girl like you?

How do you tell the men from the boys?
By the size of their feet and price of their toys.

Isn't there any other part of the matzo you can eat?

What comes between fear and sex?
Fumph.

What do Christian Science, creation science, political science, and computer science have in common?

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 29 Apr 18 - 04:43 AM

Hey! Is U flaming us?

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Gurney
Date: 28 Apr 18 - 08:33 PM

This one was a bit glib so it may be well-known, but I hadn't heard it.

What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

A Hippo is a heavy animal, and a Zippo is a little lighter.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: gillymor
Date: 09 Apr 18 - 07:43 AM

While we're on the subject of alcohol consumption always remember that it's no fun to drink alone...until you've had 2 or 3.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 09 Apr 18 - 07:09 AM

Ha Ha frogprince. You were obviously climbing the North face of a local street!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: frogprince
Date: 08 Apr 18 - 04:30 PM

Georgiansilver reminded me of one New Year's eve in Chicago; I happened to park by a club about four blocks from my apartment, and went in to have a last one for the night. Then I had a couple more. Fortunately I did sense that I had best come back for the car another day. I almost made it home without incident, but as I was rounding the last corner, someone stepped on my hand.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 08 Apr 18 - 11:34 AM

A warning to all in our area folks. Be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many cocktails and then went on to wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit I decided to leave my car at the bar and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accident, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from !!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Apr 18 - 11:07 AM

When I first became interested in astronomy I installed a skylight.
The people who lived upstairs were furious.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 06 Apr 18 - 05:28 PM

Spike Milligan's Irish Jokes !!

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Apr 18 - 05:52 PM

you're gonna die soon for that.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 05 Apr 18 - 03:19 PM

A brilliant sketch!!!

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 04 Apr 18 - 03:48 PM

I want to insure myself against becoming Jewish!!!

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Mr Red
Date: 04 Apr 18 - 05:49 AM

Viagra eye drops. For when you want to look hard.

And while we are up that alley:

Am man in the local library asked for a book on "penises"
the librarian apologises "it is not in yet"
"That's the one" the man says.

Obviously in hardback.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 04 Apr 18 - 05:38 AM

The old mans’ death was imminent and all the family were gathered round the hospital bed. His youngest grandson, little Nicky, climbed on the bed and asked of the old man ‘’Grandad, can you make a noise like a frog’’~??. The old man said ‘’Why lad’’??. To this the young lad replied ‘’Because Mommy said that when you croak, we can all go to Disneyland’’

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 02 Apr 18 - 07:20 AM

I visited the local Pharmacy and asked the lovely lady behind the counter to tell me about Viagra. She duly obliged aqndas a result I decided to give it a try. I asked 'Can I get it over the counter' ?~.. she replied 'You can if you take two'.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: G-Force
Date: 02 Apr 18 - 06:06 AM

I must admit it was April 1st when I heard the Eddie Izzaed story, and I drew the obvious conclusion ...

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 01 Apr 18 - 04:38 PM

With couples like Branjolina , Kimye and Billary the latest president-porn star couple should be called Shitstorm.

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: Bonzo3legs
Date: 01 Apr 18 - 04:13 PM

eddie izzard?????

Subject: RE: BS: First joke thread of 2018
From: frogprince
Date: 01 Apr 18 - 12:20 PM

Bonzo got one detail wrong; it wasn't a cement truck, it was a shipment of Viagra.