BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 06 Jan 18 - 11:43 AM

Ha! 'The Thirteen Clocks'! (I'll squk his thrug')

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Jan 18 - 01:29 PM

Pourquoi ne suis-je pas surpris? asked the man named Black.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 06 Jan 18 - 01:55 PM

To Jim Carroll,

Here's the follow up to your joke:

Soon after the demise of the hunchback's untimely (if right to the second) demise, a man comes to the cathedral and inquires about the job,saying that the hunchback had been his sibling and he'd be willing to work for just food and board to be able to carry on his late brother's life's work. Reluctantly, reminding the man of the dangers involved, the fellow is given the job. Things go well for awhile, until one day, he repeated the error of his predecessor and met the same fate.

Two monks stroll by the crumpled body still lying on the ground.

One says to the other

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 06 Jan 18 - 02:07 PM

Sorry, using a tablet. Joke çontinued:

One monk says to the other, "It's a shame about....uh....what was his name again?"

"I don't remember offhand, but he's a dead ringer for his brother."

The two jokes go out in memory of my late performing partner Phil Fox, who would often pull them out as time killers during our sets.....

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 06 Jan 18 - 07:31 PM

I raise a glass of hot spiced cider to Phil.

William Wombat offers another mug, and a moment of silence (except for the slurps) or heard.

" difficult even for us to hear silence." Says a non-wombat.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 07 Jan 18 - 11:11 AM

Call it ambiance or room tone

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 Jan 18 - 10:46 PM

Ah, that restaurant on the moon. Great food - no atmosphere.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Jan 18 - 09:13 AM

But lots of bounce.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 08 Jan 18 - 02:26 PM

The freeze-dried ice-cream from the Lunar Tavern floats in the jello pit like strange marshmallows.

William Wombat and I try to teach the parrot "Her Bright Smile Haunts me Still", but the struggle was in vain. At midnight, I go to the beach door and look out over the sand, towards the waves.

Ah, distinctly I remember, it was in the bleak December...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 08 Jan 18 - 02:34 PM

A hot buttered strumpet comes over, but I remain inconsolable- I can't even find a keyboard and mouse.

One of the non-wombats offers to keep the curser in the air, but I tell the fledermaus to ignore him, until he can clean up his language.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 09 Jan 18 - 02:05 AM

Walter, Winfred, and William go back to the non-giant wombat group, joining their friends in banjo practice.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 09 Jan 18 - 06:59 AM

Sadly, this wombless bat must go estivate ailleurs... see you all next year, if I wake up in time!

(Imma gonna be offline for about 2 weeks because, *cough*, Imma taking one of them Star Trek cruises. Ahoy and prosper!)

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 09 Jan 18 - 07:29 AM

Ooooh Mrrzy! Have a lovely time! Bon voyage et gros bisoux!

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 09 Jan 18 - 11:32 AM

Two weeks?

"Five year mission: to boldly go where no man has gone before."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: JennieG
Date: 09 Jan 18 - 05:52 PM

Will there be wombats on the cruise?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Rapparee
Date: 09 Jan 18 - 09:00 PM

"She haunts me still."

Better not haunt me still, says he! Enough spirits there already.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 10 Jan 18 - 05:26 AM

"It's been a year since last we met
We may never meet again
I have struggled to forget
But the struggle was in vain.
For her voice lives on the breeze
Her spirit comes at will,
In the midnight on the seas
Her bright smile haunts me still.
    In the midnight on the seas
    Her bright smile haunts me still.

I have sailed a falling sky
And I've charted hazard's path
I have seen the storm arise
Like a giant in his wrath
Every danger I have known
That a reckless life can fill
Though her presence is now flown
Her bright smile haunts me still
    Though her presence is now flown
    Her bright smile haunts me still


At the first sweet dawn of light
When I gaze upon the deep,
Her form still greets my sight
While the stars their vigils keep.
When I close my aching eyes
Sweet dreams my memory fill
And from sleep when I arise
Her bright smile haunts me still.
    And from sleep when I arise
    Her bright smile haunts me still."

from the still present chorii.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 11 Jan 18 - 12:18 PM

The wombat, non-wombats, and assorted chori are off to the side, singing dirges and other such cheerfull songs.


The Christmas tree is looking a bit bedraggled, so Dishpan Hans, the German kitchen helper, and I put it out by the beach door, for use in stabilizing the dunes.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: JennieG
Date: 11 Jan 18 - 03:10 PM

Carl Orff's sons, Johannes and Nicholas - Hans and Nick to their friends - have decided to join the cruise at the next port of call.

Keep an eye out for Hans Orff and Nick Orff, they have no experience of wombats. Or bats either, for that matter.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 11 Jan 18 - 03:38 PM

Beardedbruce sits at the bar, with a box of Medjool dates and a bowl of datil pepper paste.

"A man really has to work to get a hot date around here." he says, stuffing the dates and placing them onto a wooden tray. He then starts getting the ingredients for the chicken pistachio balls together.

http://recipeofhealth.com/recipe/chicken-pistachio-balls-152230rb

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 11 Jan 18 - 04:10 PM

aside:----------------------------------------------
Make a paste of ground green olives and chopped datil peppers.

Wipe the dates with a damp cloth. Cut a lengthwise incision across the top of each date and carefully remove the pit. Take 1 tsp or so of the datil paste, roll it between your palms into a spherical shape, and tuck inside the date. It should bulge out of the opening. Repeat with the remaining paste and dates.
---------------------------------------------------------:aside

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 11 Jan 18 - 04:41 PM

Mrrzy dropped his phaser overboard set at full power in the mid Caribbean Sea. On his way back from Honduras. Fortunately it did not overload and explode until it reached the sea bottom. It set off a 7.2 Earthquake but did not raise a tsunami because of the radial dispersion of energy
.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 11 Jan 18 - 04:48 PM

Oops it was a 7.6 earthquake, which is almost 10 times bigger than a 7.2.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 12 Jan 18 - 10:53 AM

As a 7.0 is listed as being 20,000,000,000 KG of dynamite in power ( 20MT, in H-Bomb terms), Mrrzy is immediately arrested for possession of a WMD. Phasers are NOT Earth-friendly.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 12 Jan 18 - 11:09 AM

The alley-gator is putting up a sign over the bar.

"Please check your phasers and other WMD at the Armory BEFORE ordering."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 12 Jan 18 - 11:57 AM

Dead fish lie scattered over thousands of square miles of the surface of the mid Caribbean Sea. A major ecological disaster is in progress. Donual has gone into hiding from the large crowds world-wide looking for someone to blame.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 12 Jan 18 - 12:05 PM

It was just a phase she was going through, anyway. Now, it's turned about-phase and is gone, not before sending some fish and whales belly-up to the surface. The kitchen staff gather a few that washed up on the lower decks, anticipating tomorrow's Special Of The Day In the ship's game room, all the Pinball machines tilt, the pool balls scramble for the nearest pockets as if by choice, stout coffee mugs and food filled plates move across the table, bowls of oatmeal start quaking and somewhat more unstable long stemmed wine glasses topple over. Those whose stomachs were unsettled by the ship's exta movement, stay away from the rails and wisely head for sinks and bathrooms.

It's all a minor inconvenience on top of the water (because we wrote it that way, THAT'S why) but down below, Marianna has herself a brand new trench. The final frontier of the seas just gained some brand new space. The other tiers remained pretty much the same in the tier-filled, salty ocean.

My own starship's in the shop but I've got a complimentary one supplied by Enterprise in the interim.....

Thus Spock Severn .....

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 12 Jan 18 - 12:06 PM

Mrrzy proves to the authorities that the phaser causing the earthquake did NOT come from the cruise ship. They are now looking into the rental of a fast boat by Donual, who has disappeared from sight. An alert has been issued.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 13 Jan 18 - 12:19 PM

Setting the boat adrift and heading to Houston Donuel is planning to pilot the D Drive that was incidentally engineered by bearded bruce in a black compartmentalized program. The craft is stored in the 8 story vacuum chamber. A letter explaining that the whistle blowing allegations are all untrue and the truth is beyond the "you can't make this stuff up" dimension. "It is true I am an illegal immigrant" !:...!   

Severn I'm glad you have access to a star run about but the D drive is unlike any craft ever devised even by species 5 billion years ahead of Earth.
Briefly, the D Drive does not use energy to push, warp, tunnel or jump.
It removes a dimension of energy which frees it from time that makes the concept of acceleration meaningless. Unfortunately it also eliminates the concept of navigation. By systematically borrowing the energy of the eliminated d dimension it can roughly eliminate the d Dimension ahead and cover distances beyond the known universe.
Or as Donuel calls it, home. If it were not for the Coltan on Earth he would not have landed here by chance and stayed so long.

Now as long as Hurricane Harvey has not damaged the vacuum building the only trace of his escape will be a localized time anomaly.

Mrrzy nearing the end of his Uber ride home in the rain wondered why they made such a big deal about the toy Phaser he rented on the cruise but lost.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 15 Jan 18 - 03:38 PM

Beardedbruce states that he can neither confirm nor deny any of Donuel's comments.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Jan 18 - 06:13 PM

By transmogrifying 3d space into its anti space counter part, where the property of antispace allows adjacent access to any point in space and bypasses time in traveling. Reintroducing 3D space is the tricky part and what makes navigation relatively uncertain. There are no star maps.
That's how I ended up on Earth instead of Rohingya. Galactic drift had shifted 20 parsecs in the last few moments of spacial reintegration.
Only in those last few moments does one sense thrilling FTL speed when you can see both sides of objects appear to whiz by. Then for a handful of seconds you are like a neutrino able to pass through 3D objects and space.

When standard space is achieved you shut down d drive and rely entirely on gravity balance drive. Slowing takes longer in empty space but it is safer. You just hope it won't take a year.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 16 Jan 18 - 07:53 PM

The SEP drive is far more useful than the Improbability Drive.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 17 Jan 18 - 03:43 PM

The giant wombat, still half asleep, joins the non-giant wombats and the non-wombats off to one side, and have afternoon tea and crumpets.

The jello pit is bubbling, but nothing has come out of it.

The door to the beach, damaged over the holiday, has been replaced with a full-wallet of walkout windows (which slide up to form the doorways). There is a house in Cape May N.J. With a wall of them, leading to a covered porch. The Tavern's open onto a large deck, with a non-jello hot tub and firepit with grill, oven, spit, and griddle for making crumpets.

"Was that meteor near Detroit Donuel, in the D drive craft he stole in Houston? All of us in the know are aware that flight hardware is kept at Ames or a launch center: we only send mock ups and such to Houston..." Bruce mutters, buttering his hot crumpet.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 17 Jan 18 - 04:17 PM

A very large cruise ship can be seen on the horizon. It travels at an incredible speed towards the Tavern, creating a bow wave that can be seen from space.
Mounted on the bridge is a massive antenna, emitting loud bleeping sounds.
It is a jumbo-sized Crumpet Detector, and it is glowing red.

The ship docks, and whizzing down the gangplank come a plump old lady, a smiling, happy African man and many, many Siamese cats. They all have napkins tucked under their chins, and all are drooling (including the humans)
"Um....did someone mention...crumpets??" asks the old lady, rushing towards Bruce. There is a predatory look in her eye.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 17 Jan 18 - 04:37 PM

"Come in, all! We are having a test run of various crumpet recipes, to ring out what the Tavern should serve. Donuel suggested 'Thomas's English Muffins' before he left, but I think we ruled out all the American varieties"

Bruce brings out a tray of hot crumpets, a block of fresh churned butter, and a plate of Various Hot Jams ( spicey, not temperature hot. Think datil pepper preserves. )

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 17 Jan 18 - 05:00 PM

The old lady is overcome with joy and swoons. She comes round very quickly, to see the African chap helping himself to large dollops of spicy jam and plonking it on his crumpets. She tucks into her plateful, and smiles at everyone.
The cats curl up in a warm corner and snooze. Secretly they are deciding which of them will have a wee on what...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 18 Jan 18 - 08:54 AM

Beardedbruce brings out a basket of crumpets, saying " How is this recipe? Anyone want to suggest improvements?"
http://allrecipes.com/recipe/230073/english-crumpets/print/?recipeType=Recipe&servings=12&isMetric=false


"the first batch were from this one:"
https://www.kingarthurflour.com/recipes/PrintRecipe?RID=1114&radio=1

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 18 Jan 18 - 08:59 AM

"Hey. its not like I have a family recipe passed down to me."

Bruce goes onto the internet to find other recipes, while waiting for comment.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 18 Jan 18 - 09:03 AM

Beardedbruce starts a large notebook, with recipes for crumpets followed by comments on the results.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 18 Jan 18 - 09:09 AM

"OK, found one to be a reference." Beardedbruce says.
https://www.bbc.co.uk/food/recipes/crumpets_61013


"I'm off at the end on next week for my timeshare on the ocean, so I need to have a number of good recipes to play with. "

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 18 Jan 18 - 10:27 AM

Opening a chart of the universe, beardedbruce starts writing in the blank areas "Here there be Crumpets"


The hot buttered strumpet sulks at the bar.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 18 Jan 18 - 10:33 AM

A bevy of crumpet-eating swoons have come in the Tavern, long graceful necks in contrast to their somewhat comical waddles. They join the morning tea and crumpets.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 18 Jan 18 - 10:56 PM

When Bruce says "crumpet", consider it crimped!

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 19 Jan 18 - 02:28 AM

Please!   Crumped is the correct tense.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 19 Jan 18 - 03:08 AM

Among the crumpet-eating swoons with their graceful necks clucks an Old Speckled Hen.
The old lady thinks she's in heaven.
However, the Siamese have recognised a CHICKEN and are circling the poultry with gleams in their eyes.

The smiley African chap is having a lovely chat with some of the other Tavern customers. He has spicy jam all round his mouth. He's telling them how he once danced with a Border Morris side, clutching a borrowed stick and wearing African clothes, and he didn't need to black up. He explains that he likes the Witchmen and Leeds Morris, as they all hug him when he goes to the Potty Festival at Sheringham.

The old lady can't talk just now, as her mouth is crammed full with crumpet, which is a Good Thing, as otherwise she'd never stop nattering.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 20 Jan 18 - 08:27 AM

New sign on the Tavern bulletin board:

"Additional Crumpet Recipes Wanted:
See beardedbruce or any non-giant wombat"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Jan 18 - 08:39 AM

The new chalk sign read Shit faced Wednesday is canceled until further notice.
Lutz Heckman returned to Berlin where his Zoo had been destroyed by allied forces. His plan to revive the extinct aurochs was a failure.

And that is the rest of the story.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 21 Jan 18 - 09:59 AM

A pair of aurochs, male and female, come through the time portal behind the restroom, the advance guard for an entire herd that is moving into the state of New California, as soon as it breaks away from the coastal regions.

They have tea and crumpets, then move on before the roasting spit is re-erected.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 21 Jan 18 - 10:03 AM

A group of newly cloned dodo birds are seen out the sliding windows on the lawn, and a large flock of passenger pigeons is nesting in the banyon tree.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 21 Jan 18 - 02:39 PM

A fresh batch of crumpets is started, for the US Federal Employees expected in to the Tavern Monday morning. The warming oven is being filled, and a fresh supply of butter is ready in the walk-in cooler.


Coffee is being set up, to be brewed beginning at 7:30 EST.

The teas samovars are refilled.