BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 21 Jan 18 - 07:15 PM

Note: NO coffee will be brewed for the 1:00 am session of Congress, as all the coffee makers have been let go. ANd NO chance of a crumpet delivery, either.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Jan 18 - 08:01 PM

Shut down jokes are just the absurd truth, and the paperwork and rituals to serve a government cup of coffee is insanely staggering.
Dignitaries or visiting scientists should be told to bring their own thermos, although it could be confiscated.

BTW the story about bringing back extinct aurochs is true, only the name was changed.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 22 Jan 18 - 08:30 PM

The batch of crumpets for Federal employees ( in the warming oven) will need to be utilized, now that the shutdown is over. Suggestions are requested- so far we have one cruise ship full of cats that has offered to take them all, if we throw in 8800 sticks of butter. (one metric ton).

Some of the non-giant wombats, and non-wombats, have suggested that we make croutons out of them, for a large toss salad.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 22 Jan 18 - 09:25 PM

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 22 Jan 18 - 09:29 PM

The Kane sisters just came in, looking for the new hot-tub. Kandy wants to use it to melt butter for the crumpets, while Hurri wants to wrestle the giant wombat in it. After tossing Hurri into the jello pit, Kandy and Nova start setting out the midnight buffet.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Jan 18 - 01:36 PM

The wombless bat is back, flying high as a kite, boy was that fun, all geeky nerds should try it. Glad to see the tavern is till open!

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 23 Jan 18 - 01:43 PM

The Tavern is always open, even when no-one is here.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 23 Jan 18 - 02:13 PM

Crumpets are being reheated, for the afternoon tea. With the present number stored in the warming ovens, we have turned the griddle outside off until Easter.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 23 Jan 18 - 02:46 PM

But wait! The warming oven doors are open, and there are no crumpets inside! In the distance can be heard feline sniggering as all the Siamese cats march briskly toward the docked cruise ship, small rucksacks on their backs bulging with stolen crumpets. Behind walk the old lady and the African, rather full of delicious crumpets and feeling a bit drowsy.
The ship heads out across the ocean, its hold stuffed full of lovely butter in special refrigerated storerooms.
Sounds of snoring emanate from one of the portholes.
The Crumpet Pirate Ship toots a cheeky farewell as it disappears over the horizon.
But it may return another time...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 23 Jan 18 - 03:07 PM

As the CPS sails away, the alley gator and beardedbruce exchange winks, and grin.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Jan 18 - 11:58 PM

I met a bearded Borg, Bruce, and you are so right about the Tavern. I rejoice it is still inhabited, as the nuns say. How many? None.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 05:44 AM

Someone on the CPS "accidently" turns on the giant crumpet detector, and the ship starts turning in circles, chasing itself.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 06:46 AM

The poor old lady has her head in a plastic bucket. (She hates boats at the best of times) But the marvellous African man has the situation under control as usual. With one hand he administers yet more Stugeron tablets to his green-faced wife, and with the other he switches off the Crumpet Detector. Then he makes a thorough search of the ship.
He suspects they have a stowaway on board who has been meddling with the technology.
Sure enough, he locates the miscreant. It's...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 09:34 AM

...

The lone Siamese cat in the corner of the Tavern is quietly lapping at a tuna-cream blended smoothie.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 09:49 AM

The African urges the captain to transmit a pan pan urgency message regarding the now dehydrated lady but it was like negotiating with jello. The Captain assures us that regaining steering control will restore normalcy. The 70 tons of Chinese Fentanyl in the hold is anything but normal.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 10:18 AM

SmokeyPokey (the little traitor!) has stayed behind, tempted by the offer of delicious grub. And the stowaway was actually Donuel's pre-programmed robot, built to resemble a normal-sized wombat. It had been smuggled aboard to interfere with the Crumpet Detector and guard the illicit Fentanyl.   
The African man chucks it overboard, having re-programmed it to attach a small drone to SmokeyPokey, who is soon whizzing towards the Pirate ship, scowling angrily.
Crates of the illegal opiate are now bobbing about on the waves, and the old lady is re-hydrating herself with some Old Speckled Hen ale.
The African man, his much-restored wife and the now-complete contingent of Siamese cats dance a cheery Ivorian Mapouka on the deck of their ship, as it sails into the sunset.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 10:22 AM

Large numbers of now drugged fish are following the trail of soggy crates.

Cats are looking over the rails at the parade of fins.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 10:55 AM

Finns are looking over the cats at the parade of rails. Lovely birds, those.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 06:16 PM

Is Bruce's mouth one big Crumb Pit, where bits of pastry are put to their final rest?


The alligator tells a pair of newly cloned birds about how they have fais-do-dos back where he comes from in Louisiana. The Dodo's tell him that that fey stuff's all fine and daandy, but that and were straight and here to repropagate the race. With a sly wink and a little bit of bill and coo, they stroll off into the apiary which has become the place to go in the tavern to learn about the birds and the bees....


The alligator, being from Cajun Country, had wrote their name on their bar tab as the Deaudeaux...
.
As they stroll by, the choirbreaks into, "There was Dodo, Bendigo ...."


Left to have to try and deal with the other birds, the alligator pulls out his Pigeon-English Dictionary....

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 07:02 PM

The pit in crumpets is what holds the butter, or preserves. Don't want that to fall off!

Several bees, and sons of bees, come out of the apiary, blushing a bright red.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 07:11 PM

Do you know how hard it is for a bee to blush?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 08:45 PM

The ship sails into sunrise. Unknown to everyone but the first mate a minor leak in the desalination plumbing has soaked the fentanyl in several inches of water which is enough concentrated fentanyl to incapacitate a person in seconds if it comes in contact with bare skin. The first mate heads back up the ladder and says "this is a mop job for..."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 09:09 PM

Meanwhile the conscientious African went to finish the job of casting the illicit cargo overboard. He only stopped when stumbling backwards when the crate he was holding mashed his thumb against some plumbing.
"Hey mate where you headed? You don't belong down here" yelled the first mate.
Oh I thought I heard someone call.
"well clear outta here this is private"
oh sure
"Hey you 'ave you seen shoeless bruce?"

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 09:18 PM

"..That stowaway, Donuel" as he hands him a mop and flip flops to wear. "You might want gloves"



Back at the Tavern, the non-giant wombats and the non-wombats are tidying up, while the Kane sisters remove Donuel from their party invitation on list. "Sometimes,he's a real downer"

The blushing bees ( and sons of bees) are peeking back into the apiary.

"Moa, Moa !" Is heard from the darkened room.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 24 Jan 18 - 10:12 PM

The dropbear waits in the rafters, looking for Donuel's return from his dubious activities.

"First RINOs, then drugs... The man has very poor judgement." Says the giant wombat. "He'll never make the 'nice' list next Christmas, at this rate."

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 26 Jan 18 - 08:07 AM

A lone crumpet peeks out of the warming oven. No-one is watching as it climbs up the rafters with a small sack.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Jan 18 - 09:07 AM

If this were a Disney cruise there would probably be dancing Rinos, crumpets and bears but on the good ship Miss Hap the entertainment is mighty thin. All they have is Muzak and a Mentalist act by a guy who goes by The Mind, Bendy Bruce. In the State Room the show is about to
begin

The powerful African surreptitiously sneaks o thee hold where he has only 68 more tons of wet cargo to throw overboard, but how?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 26 Jan 18 - 09:25 AM

The African chap has an idea, and calls for the Cat Army to come down into the hold. Four by four in perfect step they descend the companionway. In stern Malinke he orders them to eject the crates of drugs, and push them overboard. He only needs to pronounce the magic word once and they spring into action. "Cheeeeeken!"

Meanwhile, up in the State Room, the old lady, having awakened from a refreshing nap, is tucking into yet another plate of toasted crumpets dripping with butter...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 26 Jan 18 - 03:54 PM

"Mr. Crumpet don't like it,
We ain't gonna have it here......"


....sings the ghost of the late Frank as he Stokes the fire, remembering when Beale Street was still chic ......


"I know plenty of Dodo songs," says Severn after not being able to find anything in a book from the shelf. "Especially when I don't know the words."
"That's because you are looking in Roger Peterson's Tory Field Guide." says Gnu. "That one only covers the UK."
"I also know a lot of Balkan songs", he tells gnu. "Especially when I forget the words."
Gnu goes back to the bar and orders a drink....




Meanwhile, aboard ship, somebody remarks, "If it wasn't for ocean liners, all ththe water would leak out. It says so in the ocean liner notes of nawthe

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Severn
Date: 26 Jan 18 - 03:56 PM

this shanty CD....

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 29 Jan 18 - 08:55 PM

Beardedbruce, returning from his birthday crumpets ( made from scratch), brings out a salad for the non-giant wombats.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 Jan 18 - 09:16 AM

Les chiens aboient, la caravane passe, mutters the wombless bat, estivating.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 30 Jan 18 - 06:56 PM

Technical Question:
If one takes a bowl of crumpet dough and puts it into a pan , and cooks it as a single
Item, is it a giant crumpet, or a crump ?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Jan 18 - 08:53 PM

crump, crap, crepe

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 31 Jan 18 - 01:00 AM

Donuel,

So dollar size pancakes would be crepets?


And small, short, nasty comments would be crapets?

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 01 Feb 18 - 05:37 AM

Just got a jar of apricot preserves for my next batch of crumpets.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 02 Feb 18 - 06:49 AM

The giant wombat wakes, looks around, and joins beardedbruce for breakfast, looking out the wall of window/doors at the beach.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Feb 18 - 07:34 AM

Russia needs your distrust in America

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 02 Feb 18 - 07:38 AM

An irritating buzzing is heard overhead. A small drone is making its way towards the tavern, bearing a sack and some metal grabbers.
Hovering above the breakfast table, the grabbers extend downwards and seize all the good things, while the sack is deployed to receive them.
The machine then flies swiftly away out over the sea, leaving the diners completely stunned...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 02 Feb 18 - 01:48 PM

The dropbear comes down on Donuel, carrying him off screaming. The crapets are swept up and disposed of.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 02 Feb 18 - 03:17 PM

The dropbear hauls Donuel over to the jello pit, and pushes him under.


More goodies are brought out.

"Why didn't she just ask for takeout?" The giant wombat mutters.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 02 Feb 18 - 05:39 PM

The blowfish jump out of the jello pit, and wiggle slimely out the door.


Strains of " you can tell a man who boozes by the company he chooses" as the blowfish slowly squirm away from the pit with Donuel in it.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 03 Feb 18 - 04:33 AM

The drone is returning, with two Siamese cats clinging to its grabbers.
It gently deposits the cats beside the jelly pit, then carefully hoists Donuel out. The cats tenderly lick Donuel all over, until he has no more jelly on his face or clothes.
Giving him a cheerful Siamese 'miaow!' they grasp the drone's extensions in their teeth and head off out to sea towards the cruise ship, where the old lady and the cheerful African man await them.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 03 Feb 18 - 05:10 AM

Hoping that Donuel has learnd a lesson, the alley gator waves off the dropbear, who, shaking his head, goes to sleep nearby. The non-giant wombats hold onto their brooms and dustpans, in case Donuel leaves any more crapets around.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 03 Feb 18 - 10:26 PM

Tech question: Should crumpets include eggs, or just yeast, flour, baking powder, and butter?

Enquiring crumpet eaters want to know.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 04 Feb 18 - 04:10 AM

Just flour, water and yeast. The butter goes on after they've toasted.
Tons of it. Tons and tons of it...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant woumombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 04 Feb 18 - 08:36 AM

Senoufou,

Tried the following, from James Townsend ( redacted from "The Art of Cookery" by Hannah Glass)

1 cup whole milk
1 cup hot water
   Mix together to make lukewarm mix
Then 1 egg
    Whisk together
Add
1 tsp instant yeast
    Whisk together
Add
2 cups flour (we used Organic All Purpose)
Mixed, cover and let rise 1 hour

Make crumpets

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: beardedbruce
Date: 04 Feb 18 - 08:43 AM

That was a 1747 recipe.

Eat with butter; jam; jam and butter; butter, jam, and butter; butter, butter, jam and butter;...

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Mrrzy
Date: 04 Feb 18 - 08:52 AM

More butter.

Subject: RE: BS: A giant wombat wanders into a Tavern
From: Senoufou
Date: 04 Feb 18 - 08:56 AM

The egg would be a nice addition beardedbruce. And make the crumpets very rich. I would also use fresh yeast, and add a little sugar to get it fermenting nicely.

When I make scones I add an egg to the mixture once I've rubbed the fat into the flour. It makes them much tastier.

The old lady and her African husband have finished up all the drone-obtained stolen crumpets. They are contemplating a night-time raid on the Tavern, as they've heard a new batch (from a delicious recipe) is in the making.
They're preparing their disguise. Should it be Batman and Robin? Or Yogi Bear and BooBoo? Mr and Mrs Blobby? Perhaps Popeye and Olive Oyl?...the discussion continues.