BS: On my gravestone

Subject: BS: On my gravestone
From: olddude
Date: 18 Apr 18 - 01:34 PM

I want written...finally no taxes



Ugh I hate tax season feel like I am paying Stormy Daniels but only getting jack Daniels in a bottle

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: olddude
Date: 18 Apr 18 - 01:47 PM

However our idiot governor will probably figure out a way to tax dead people some how

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: beardedbruce
Date: 18 Apr 18 - 01:51 PM

Hey, olddude, the dead get to vote ( for Democrats, it seems), so why shouldn't they pay taxes?

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: keberoxu
Date: 18 Apr 18 - 01:55 PM

One retired health practitioner of my acquaintance,
conversant with folk remedies and holistic medicine,
says their epitaph ought to be:

Here lies Dr. **** in spite of castor oil

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: olddude
Date: 18 Apr 18 - 01:59 PM

I also want i told you I was sick

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 18 Apr 18 - 02:00 PM

"I told you I was ill!"

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 18 Apr 18 - 02:19 PM

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Peter the Squeezer
Date: 18 Apr 18 - 02:21 PM

Sorry - hit the button too early

Olddude - Spike Milligan beat you to it, but it had to be written in Irish Gaelic.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/southern_counties/3742443.stm

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: olddude
Date: 18 Apr 18 - 02:22 PM

Great minds think alike lol

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: gnu
Date: 18 Apr 18 - 03:02 PM

"He devoted his death to medical science."... assuming Dalhousie Medical School will accept my corpse. They have high entrance standards and, then, there is the fire code to consider. Hazardous waste, eh? >;-)

It's a good deal. They pay everything! The round trip (maximum three years), the cremation of whatever they don't throw on the barbie, the urn... it's a hell of a deal. Plus, you get to designate who gets the urn so you can get you shipped to a jurisdiction that doesn't require a burial. That way, whoever gets the ashes can dump them in the toilet and sell the urn for at least enough to buy a bottle of the pure. Win-win-win I'd say.

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Mr Red
Date: 18 Apr 18 - 03:04 PM

I think we can be sure the Twitler got to Jack Daniels............

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: gnu
Date: 18 Apr 18 - 03:13 PM

Yeah, I know.

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: olddude
Date: 18 Apr 18 - 03:35 PM

Burn me up put me into a coffee can. I like coffee and well one last smoke

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 18 Apr 18 - 03:46 PM

Please don't bury me in the cold, cold ground
I'd rather have them cut me up and pass me all around
You can blow my brain in a hurricane
The blind can have my eyes
The rest can take both of my ears
If they don't mind the size

There y'are. Music thread now courtesy of Mr I find :-)

DtG

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: DMcG
Date: 18 Apr 18 - 05:59 PM

"An epitaph is a pretty poor way of remembering me.'

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Apr 18 - 06:08 PM

Spike was 100 yesterday, so how appropriate that we remember his epitaph! It was inscribed in Gaelic though, I believe, thus: "Duirt me leat go raibh me breoite."

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: BobL
Date: 19 Apr 18 - 03:46 AM

I've arranged for my body to be offered for medical research - no worries about not being really dead if I get dissected. However they might not be able to use it - e.g. if I get mangled, have bits missing or die of something horribly contagious, or if they simply have enough bodies already - so a normal funeral may have to be arranged. In which case I don't mind what happens to my remains, I shan't be there.

A Biblical quote which keeps coming to mind as my possible epitaph, with a slightly different meaning when out of its original context, is from Ecclesiastes ch.3 v.4 "A time to mourn, and a time to dance".

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Paul Burke
Date: 19 Apr 18 - 05:57 AM

He didn't realise it's never too late until it was too late.

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 Apr 18 - 06:43 AM

Would have been better if you remembered me whilst I was still alive!!

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 19 Apr 18 - 07:00 AM

Veni Vidi Bibi

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 19 Apr 18 - 07:11 AM

"When I am dead and I'm in my grave
No costly tombstone do I crave
Just lay me down in my native peat
With a jug of punch at my head and feet"

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Jos
Date: 19 Apr 18 - 08:11 AM

Bobl, you say:
"I've arranged for my body to be offered for medical research - no worries about not being really dead if I get dissected."

Personally, I'd be even more worried about getting dissected if I'm not really dead.

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 19 Apr 18 - 08:21 AM

"I've arranged for my body to be offered for medical research "
Me too, which deprives me of the chance to echo an elderly native of Miltown Malbay who told his family
"Put me in my coffin face down so they can all come and kiss my arse"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 19 Apr 18 - 08:28 AM

When I die, don't bury me at all,
Just lay me away in alcohol.


Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Rob Naylor
Date: 19 Apr 18 - 08:41 AM

"I was here on Earth for XX years and all I got was this lousy headstone"

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Senoufou
Date: 19 Apr 18 - 08:50 AM

'Don't mourn for me now
Don't mourn for me never.
I've gone to eat crumpets
for ever and ever.'

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: gillymor
Date: 19 Apr 18 - 09:26 AM

"Pardon me if I don't get up"

or, better yet-

"Enjoy yourself it's later than you think"
from one of my favorite songs.

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Apr 18 - 09:35 AM

old dude - classic.

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Mr Red
Date: 20 Apr 18 - 02:25 AM

I pprefer a tree planed above me......

So people can see - he is tree-mendous





I'll get my shroud......

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: BobL
Date: 20 Apr 18 - 02:54 AM

"Personally, I'd be even more worried about getting dissected if I'm not really dead. "

Ah, but you see, someone would be bound to notice.

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Senoufou
Date: 20 Apr 18 - 03:44 AM

"Here lies Eliza.
They tried to surprise her
With a very large spider
Which they set down beside her.
She jumped up and fled.
And now she's dead."

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 20 Apr 18 - 06:33 AM

"Here lies Eliza.
They tried to surprise her
With a very large spider
Which they set down beside her.
She jumped up and died.
And how Mudcat cried."


Cheers
Nigel

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Senoufou
Date: 20 Apr 18 - 06:52 AM

Hahahahaaaaa Nigel! How very kind of you. :)

Actually there was one in our bedroom yesterday evening, enormous blooming thing. Husband put it outside, and I managed not to die of fright. As I recently renewed my life insurance, I wonder if it was he who put it there in the first place???

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Apr 18 - 04:17 PM

Legally hanged.

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 20 Apr 18 - 04:27 PM

Well hung?

:D tG

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: olddude
Date: 20 Apr 18 - 08:26 PM

Fishing for angels

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: olddude
Date: 20 Apr 18 - 09:35 PM

Death by chocolate

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: punkfolkrocker
Date: 20 Apr 18 - 10:34 PM

It seems some of us are in similar mind on this subject...

My headstone...???

"Why did you waste good money on this nonsense.
You know how much I despise parasitic funeral service businesses.
I told you I wanted a cheap cremation,
or better still donating my body to any medical science
that would take it off your hands for nothing.
Or ideally even pay you a few quid for it...!!!"

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: olddude
Date: 20 Apr 18 - 10:52 PM

Exactly I want the money spent on a party and dump my ashes

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: JennieG
Date: 21 Apr 18 - 02:39 AM

As do I, Dan!

However I would like the assembled multitudes......all right, perhaps two or three.....to burst into song with "So long, it's been good to know you".

Seems a fitting last song, to me.

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Apr 18 - 03:30 AM

My uncle Dennis had the theme to 'The Great Escape' played at his funeral :-)

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Rusty Dobro
Date: 22 Apr 18 - 02:39 AM

I'm guessing that this one, (from the Charnel House at Bury St Edmunds) caused some thoughtful discussion at the time:


Here lies interred the Body of

MARY HASELTON

A Young Maiden of this Town

Born of Roman Catholic Parents

And Virtuously brought up

Who being in the Act of Prayer

Repeating her Vespers

Was instantaneously killed by a flash

Of lightning August the 16 1785

Aged 9 years

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 22 Apr 18 - 05:44 AM

How about S*** - didn't see that coming
Jim Caaarroll

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 22 Apr 18 - 06:27 AM

Must dig out my copy of "Grave Humour" - full of classics
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Rusty Dobro
Date: 22 Apr 18 - 08:58 AM

And another from Bury St Edmunds churchyard:

Reader

Pause at this Humble Stone

a Record

The fall of unguarded Youth

By the allurements of vice

and the treacherous snares

of Seduction

SARAH LLOYD

on the 23d of April 1800

in the 22d Year of her Age

Suffered a Just but ignominous

Death

for admitting her abandoned seducer

into the Dwelling House of her Minstrefs

in the Night of 3rd Oct

1799

and becoming the Instrument

in his Hands of the crimes

of Robbery and Houseburning

These were her last Words

May my example be a

warning to Thousands.

(Personally, I've always quite enjoyed the treacherous snares of seduction.)

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Mooh
Date: 22 Apr 18 - 10:21 AM

No grave, thank you very much. Just spread my ashes in the woods, or in the lake. Or leave my corpse to rot in the woods.

I will accept a monument though, Parliament Hill would be a nice place for it. On it, let it be written, "You too, Mooh?"

That is all.

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: olddude
Date: 22 Apr 18 - 09:42 PM

My favorite fishing hole is a good place for me

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: olddude
Date: 22 Apr 18 - 09:44 PM

Wasn’t it wc fields that wrote rather be here than in Philadelphia

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Senoufou
Date: 23 Apr 18 - 03:36 AM

There's a new burial place which they've opened not that far from us called 'Bluebell Wood', where they have a system of burying folk in cardboard caskets and tree saplings are planted. Very natural and there's an ancient ruined church on the site, so the ground is consecrated. They've put up a sort of wooden circular hut for mourners. There are no gravestones or monuments of any sort, so it just looks like...well... a bluebell wood.
In UK a burial must be recorded as to its position, so presumably they keep a record of who lies where. I'd like to be plonked there.

I love Billy Connelly's monologue where he describes a cemetery in Glasgow for all Christians. But they've built an underground wall between the Catholics and the Protestants. He was really convulsed at the idea of the corpses of different persuasions trying to get at each other under the ground!

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Jos
Date: 23 Apr 18 - 12:48 PM

Sounds perfect - the bluebell wood, not the segregated cemetery.
I've already specified in my will that I would prefer a woodland burial, and DEFINITELY a cardboard box, don't waste good wood on a flashy coffin.

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: punkfolkrocker
Date: 23 Apr 18 - 12:56 PM

If you live/die in the USA can you donate your body to the Texas Body Farm..
and if so, will they collect it free of charge...???

http://www.txstate.edu/anthropology/facts/labs/farf.html


I notice at the bottom of the main page, a link for "Job Opportunities"...

Essential qualification for applicants - "must be dead"...???

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Senoufou
Date: 23 Apr 18 - 01:53 PM

I'd hate to think of any sizeable sum of money being spent on either my funeral or my burial. I'll be dead, so I shan't know.

I've told my husband to pack me into a bin bag and wheel me off in our garden wheelbarrow to our village church cemetery. He can dig a hole and shovel me in, I shan't mind at all.

In Ivory Coast, deceased people, wrapped only in a sheet, are buried before nightfall on the day they die. They don't often have any kind of headstone, although my husband had one made for his father when he died last year. It all seems very sensible. They don't have money for fancy flowers, tombstones or caskets. They are however expected to feed literally hundreds of people who visit the family afterwards. It involves slaughtering lots of scraggy sheep and cooking giant pots of rice etc. Everyone wears white clothes.

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Jos
Date: 23 Apr 18 - 03:09 PM

I'm sure they won't bury me that quickly after I die, so there is a chance someone WILL notice if I'm not really dead.
I once heard a radio discussion on the subject, in which an undertaker assured listeners that they couldn't possibly be buried while still alive because they would have been embalmed. I didn't find this at all reassuring - I would be just as unhappy at being embalmed if I wasn't really dead.

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Senoufou
Date: 23 Apr 18 - 03:53 PM

Actually Jos, my husband's people have no need for a death certificate or even a doctor's examination. If someone seems to be dead, they bury them. It's rare for someone to have an actual diagnosis either. Could be problematic couldn't it?

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: olddude
Date: 23 Apr 18 - 04:43 PM

Ok now ya got me worried, shoot me in the head to make sure before I am tossed in the fire ok

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Jos
Date: 23 Apr 18 - 04:46 PM

I can understand why people in hot countries would have developed a tradition of burying the dead as quickly as possible before the body starts to go off, but even so, yes, I think there probably have been cases where death was 'misdiagnosed'.

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Raggytash
Date: 23 Apr 18 - 04:59 PM

My aged Mother died in February, aged 93. It took 30 days before the funeral could be held, apparently the grave diggers can only manage two a day (despite having a mini digger!)

The day before the Grandfather of a young man I know in Ireland had died. The family dug the grave and he was buried two days later.

I know which practise I prefer.

I have told my good lady to put me in a bin bag (bio-degradable) on leave me out for the bin men.

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Senoufou
Date: 23 Apr 18 - 05:28 PM

I'm truly sorry about your mother Raggytash. She obviously had a very long life and I hope a happy one.

I sometimes think modern Western ways of dealing with death distance us from the experience of reality. We don't prepare the body, we don't dig the grave. Often we aren't even present at the end of the person's life. It's all very sanitised. It makes grieving a bit inhibited in my view.

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: BobL
Date: 24 Apr 18 - 03:09 AM

Not only that Sen, but more and more funerals are announced as "celebrations" of the deceased's life, with bright colours to be worn. Nothing necessarily wrong with that (and when it's my turn I want all my Morris colleagues to wear full kit), but it's a bit far removed from the original idea of helping people to manage their grief.

Grief is love that no longer has an outlet - did I get that from another thread here?

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: fat B****rd
Date: 24 Apr 18 - 06:41 AM

All paid for. Soundtrack sorted. Into the fiery furnace!!

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Senoufou
Date: 24 Apr 18 - 07:23 AM

I think the worst thing about grief is the frequent and sudden realisation that one will never see that person again. I feel that very deeply about my dear father-in-law, and of course about my own parents.

What's on the music list?
My only choice is 'Na Laetha Geal M'Oige' sung by Enya. "The lost days of my youth" makes me weep every time I hear it. Heart-wrenching.

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: punkfolkrocker
Date: 24 Apr 18 - 07:28 AM

A loud HiFi cassette recording of this
over the crematorium PA
was my dad's soundtrack as he slowly entered the furnace...

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: fat B****rd
Date: 24 Apr 18 - 08:07 AM

Good one, PF.
Charlie's Last Ride OST
On the way in - The Promenade from Moussorgsky's Pictures etc.
A certain obvious Dylan song for the "quiet bit".
The Ride of the Valkyries as I disappear from view.
Exit Music - "Keep a Twinkle In Your Eye" by Buck and Bubbles.

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 24 Apr 18 - 08:33 AM

I always thought I wanted to be cremated but on reflection I think I would prefer a burial. Biodegradable cardboard coffin and a fruit tree instead of a gravestone. That way I can feed the fruit tree as it grows and make sure all the fruit is bitter and twisted like me :-)

(All true apart from the last bit)

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Senoufou
Date: 24 Apr 18 - 09:29 AM

No Dave, your fruit tree would produce lovely sweet fruit.
You can be buried next to me if you like, in Bluebell Wood.

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Apr 18 - 09:31 AM

Saw four guys wandering around the cemetery for three hours carrying a coffin on their shoulders.

I thought, those guys have really lost the plot...

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Senoufou
Date: 25 Apr 18 - 03:57 AM

Hahahaaaaa Steve!!!

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Jan 24 - 08:52 AM

I'll go with a digital tombstone and simple mulching.
"Nearly everything we thought we knew was wrong, except love which is right even when it's wrong"

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 28 Jan 24 - 04:32 PM

I've arranged to have a Direct Cremation which some elements of the Funeral Industry rail against. Direct cremation = body removed & cremated & family & friends can get together when & wherever & as often as they want!

I can't remember the name of the business that ranted about you're depriving your friends & family of a send off & a place to share their grief & memories etc (ie. you are depriving MY company of lotsa' money for arranging everything from overpriced coffins to other unnecessary overpriced stuff)

As if people don't already have wakes & afternoon teas etc.

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Black belt caterpillar wrestler
Date: 29 Jan 24 - 11:17 AM

"For sale unrequired plot"

Robin

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Neil D
Date: 29 Jan 24 - 11:43 PM

I've told everyone I know that I want my gravestone to read:

Here lies Neil Devore
He hated the Eagles

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Charmion
Date: 31 Jan 24 - 08:14 AM

My gravestone has just name, rank and serial number. The enemy ain’t gettin’ anything else outta me.

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: The Sandman
Date: 01 Feb 24 - 03:11 AM

Some things are more precious because they don't last long.
Oscar Wilde

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: gillymor
Date: 01 Feb 24 - 10:06 AM

My beloved mother, a WWII vet whose ashes reside in a columbarium in Arlington, used to say she wanted this etched on her headstone-

Wherever you be let the farts fly free,
For the one that I held was the one that killed me.

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Thompson
Date: 03 Feb 24 - 03:56 AM

Mine has name, but no rank - hey, I'm an egalitarian; and no serial number - hah, you don't think you'll catch me that way.

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Mr Red
Date: 04 Feb 24 - 07:46 AM

Donate to the Texas Body Farm and you would be rank! And from what I remember of a documentary on it, you would have a number. Sorry no name.

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Feb 24 - 05:51 PM

I want thirty or forty young women to bewail my passing.

My in-laws are in Arlington. Her name is on the back of the stone. Knowing her, this probably annoys her, to play second fiddle.

I want a QR code on my headstone. It doesn't have to lead to anything, I just want it as a annoyance.

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: robomatic
Date: 09 Feb 24 - 02:44 PM

Most poetic:

Young man, take note as you pass by
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so you shall be
Prepare for death and follow me!

to which some wag appended:

To follow you I'd be content
If I could know which way you went!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Most ignominious:

"He called Bill Smith a liar!"

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 10 Feb 24 - 05:13 PM

Collected from the doorpost of a churchyard in Norfolk (UK):

Here lie I by the churchyard door
Here lie I because I'm poor
The further in the more you pay
Here lie I as warm as they

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Helen
Date: 10 Feb 24 - 05:36 PM

I remember we had a book in the library where I worked showing the inscriptions on gravestones. The one which made me laugh out loud was for a man of stature in society who was killed by a member of his household staff. The inscription was, "Well done, good and faithful servant".

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 11 Feb 24 - 06:59 AM

That wasn't Fritz Spiegl's A Small Book of Grave Humour, was it, Helen? It, and its successor (Dead Funny), were paperbacks cut into the shape of a tombstone.

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Mrrzy
Date: 11 Feb 24 - 08:25 AM

Anybody watching World's Greatest Cemetaries?

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Helen
Date: 11 Feb 24 - 10:52 AM

MaJoC, yes!!!

After 40 years there was no way I would have remembered the name and author but it was indeed A Small Book of Grave Humour.

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 11 Feb 24 - 01:41 PM

From Dead Funny:

Beneath this sod

.... lies another.

Spiegl notes: "Probably fictitious, but irresistible." (I don't see that one getting past the Church Commissioners either.)

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: MaJoC the Filk
Date: 11 Feb 24 - 01:44 PM

Oh, and thanks, Helen. I *think* I bought my copy in Lincoln in 1975.

Subject: RE: BS: On my gravestone
From: Helen
Date: 11 Feb 24 - 02:47 PM

I just read this Wiki article about Fritz Spiegl and he was also a musician, who "taught himself to play the flute, enrolled at the Royal Academy of Music and, within a short time, became principal flautist with the Royal Liverpool Philharmonic Orchestra, a position he kept for more than a decade."

His list of career activities is impressive. "As a composer, Spiegl scored a popular success with the original theme from the TV series Z-Cars, based on "Johnny Todd", a Liverpool sea shanty. He also composed the original theme for the Z Cars spin-off series Softly, Softly.." and his list of books is interesting. I might have to look for some of those.