BS: Life's little absurdities

Subject: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Jun 18 - 06:21 PM

A few years ago I bought a bag of salted peanuts, Sainsbury's own brand. On the pack it said "Warning: may contain nuts."

A couple of years ago I was looking for a birthday card for a bambino's first birthday. Found a card with a big pin-on badge that said in big colourful letters "I am one!" On the back of the badge was a little sticker that said "Warning: unsuitable for children under 36 months due to small parts."

Today I bought some citronella incense sticks (I use 'em in the garden to deter biting bugs in tbe evening). The pack declared "Bring your garden to life!" On the label in small print it said "For indoor use only..."

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: leeneia
Date: 18 Jun 18 - 12:58 AM

Good ones, Steve.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Jos
Date: 18 Jun 18 - 02:42 AM

Reminds me of a garment I saw that bore a large label saying 'Proudly made in Australia'. The label in the inside seam, in small letters, said 'Made in China'.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Senoufou
Date: 18 Jun 18 - 03:56 AM

We bought a small, square side table in a 'flat pack'. The instructions began 'Needs two people to assemble'. It consisted of the top, four legs (ready-drilled) and four screws. I did it myself in about 10 seconds.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: DMcG
Date: 18 Jun 18 - 08:15 AM

At the doctor's today: "This door must be kept closed" on the entrance to the waiting room. "Please close the door" would make more sense.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Senoufou
Date: 18 Jun 18 - 08:30 AM

My sister told me the Tesco's up in Dundee has a sign 'This door is alarmed'. She felt she ought to reassure it.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Jun 18 - 08:45 AM

Cats and Sledgehammers.
Without completely closing the bathroom door Linus opened a drawer thereby preventing opening the door into the bathroom.
After fiddling with knives it was clear that only a sledge hammer would open the door.
I have a new door that still needs to to be fitted.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: DMcG
Date: 18 Jun 18 - 09:27 AM

Also at the doctor's today: They used one of these thermometers that clip onto the finger. When it flashed up "Low Battery" I couldn't resist saying "Presumably, that's not mine."

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jun 18 - 09:38 AM

On nearly every gents' toilet in the country, once you've washed your hands you have no alternative but to grab a seriously contaminated door handle in order to get out. Well, you can always try to open it with just your pinkie wrapped round the very top of the handle, or just wait until somebody else comes through the door so that you don't have to touch that handle...

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Senoufou
Date: 18 Jun 18 - 09:52 AM

Hahaha DMcG! That reminds me of the last time I had an ECG at the doctor's. The practice nurse set it all up, but the trace was absolutely blank (ink had run out). I smiled and said, "Ah! I must be dead!"

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jun 18 - 09:55 AM

Cue sub-thread entitled "amusing colonoscopy tales..."

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Iains
Date: 18 Jun 18 - 10:01 AM

Too much information I fear!

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jun 18 - 10:05 AM

You fear correctly, if you get me started...

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Michael
Date: 18 Jun 18 - 11:48 AM

I had one last year: My Anus Horribilis!

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Will Fly
Date: 18 Jun 18 - 12:20 PM

I love the road signs that say:

"Potatoes please pull in"

"Caution - heavy plant crossing"

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Senoufou
Date: 18 Jun 18 - 12:39 PM

A stall on Norwich market has a sign saying 'Jackets - Genuine PVC'

And the latest is a new launderette I noticed yesterday on Magdalen Street called 'Magdalen Laundry'. No nuns or pregnant lassies around, fortunately. And a good job the final 'e' isn't in the name of the street.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Jun 18 - 12:45 PM

I'm always amused by the items in the grocery that say cheese food product on the label. One out of three ain't bad I guess.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 18 Jun 18 - 12:47 PM

"Caution - heavy plant crossing"
Picture of the road sign with a man leaning against it reading "the Day of the Triffids"

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Jos
Date: 18 Jun 18 - 05:36 PM

Either Aldi or Lidl (I can't remember which it was) the other day was selling packets of 'celery storks'.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Gurney
Date: 18 Jun 18 - 05:59 PM

A label under my wooden dining chairs says 'Careless use of matches may set fire to this furniture.'

Must be why they use wood for matchsticks, huh?

If I ever decide to burn them, I'll carefully split them into splinters first. THEN carelessly use matches.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Senoufou
Date: 18 Jun 18 - 06:13 PM

We have lots of those PYO farms (strawberries, raspberries, apples etc) They display a large sign on the roadside 'PICK YOUR OWN' and someone has always written NOSE underneath. Pathetic really...

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Joe_F
Date: 18 Jun 18 - 06:41 PM

Steve: "May contain nuts" is nicely complemented by the legend on a packet of nuts I bought a long time ago: "If salted, contains salt".f

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Jun 18 - 07:54 PM

And I don't know why all nut allergy sufferers don't just starve to death, when I see that almost everything you buy has a warning: "unsuitable for nut allergy sufferers as this is made in a factory that uses nut ingredients..."

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Jun 18 - 07:57 PM

There is a sign here on mudcat that the news is too human to discuss.
Or maybe that feelings are a bit raw right now.
The threads about dogs, cats, salmon bunnies birds and varmints are all crowding the first page.


No bacteria were harmed in the production of this post.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: leeneia
Date: 20 Jun 18 - 10:41 AM

"seriously contaminated door handle"

Steve, I open the door with my hand under my shirt-tail. Or I pull my hand back inside a long sleeve.

The DH says that if the handle is made of metal (and they usually are), the metal will have killed any bacteria. Metal is toxic.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Jun 18 - 06:38 PM

I wouldn't stake my intestinal wellbeing on it.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: keberoxu
Date: 20 Jun 18 - 07:18 PM

Driving through southeastern Phoenix near its airport,
I drove past a group of shops with off-street parking out front;
this little parking lot in front of the shops
had one large sign fixture with
the shops' identification signs, stacked on on top of another.

This included the following:

PSYCHIC
Shoe Repair

I dunno. You tell me ...

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Jun 18 - 08:19 PM

A psychic is a man who can see into your sole...

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Jos
Date: 21 Jun 18 - 02:11 AM

I haven't been to Kew Gardens by public transport for many years, but there used to be a sign as you left the station saying 'Kew Gardens Bear right outside station'. Maybe it's still there.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Jon Freeman
Date: 21 Jun 18 - 02:32 AM

On signs, Jos, this one remains my favourite.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Backwoodsman
Date: 21 Jun 18 - 02:33 AM

Glad to hear it's not just me who hates public toilet door handles. Having observed the huge number of people who don't wash their hands after taking a leak, or even a dump, my skin crawls every time I have to touch the door handle with my freshly-washed hand.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Jos
Date: 21 Jun 18 - 02:49 AM

Would the Welsh road sign have been any better if they had used one of the online translation systems?

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: DMcG
Date: 21 Jun 18 - 03:02 AM

Nearby is what I have called the world's most unambiguous advertisement


XXXX's HOMEOPATHY
when all else fails


Ok, so you spent a fortune on every other type of snake oil - why leave this one out?

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: DMcG
Date: 21 Jun 18 - 03:09 AM

Unambitious, not unambiguous.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Senoufou
Date: 21 Jun 18 - 03:38 AM

On Norwich market there are several stalls selling fruit and vegetables. One in particular has me grinding my teeth. Their large price list is something like this:-

cauli's
spud's
cherrie's
and the best one -
asparagu's

As a retired teacher, I itch to give them detention and make them write out the whole thing ten times, with NO apostrophes.
But they always greet us warmly, and are lovely to my husband, picking out the best Scotch bonnets for him.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Manitas_at_home
Date: 21 Jun 18 - 03:44 AM

I hear that many greengrocer's do this deliberately to draw attention to their good's.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Senoufou
Date: 21 Jun 18 - 04:01 AM

Hahaha Manitas, you're probably right!

I do think however that language is constantly evolving, and the apostrophe may now be used quite widely to indicate plurals.
Just as the new pronunciation of H ("haitch") seems to have become the norm.
I'll have to stop grinding my teeth, I haven't many left as it is!

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Backwoodsman
Date: 21 Jun 18 - 04:35 AM

And the new pronunciation of 'th' as 'f', Sen! Eastenders has much to answer for!

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Raedwulf
Date: 21 Jun 18 - 04:44 AM

Sen - These premises are alarmed

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Senoufou
Date: 21 Jun 18 - 05:08 AM

I hadn't heard of Thomas Ades Raedwulf.
Maybe he goes to the same Tesco store as my sister!

I reckon TV has a lot to answer for Backwoodsman. The Australian interrogative lift of tone at the end of a sentence is perhaps the fault of 'Home and Away'.

And American rappers and hip-hop performers have influenced Londonspeak. But I love all that, I have to say.

It would be horribly boring if everything/everyone stuck to the norm. I do like 'different' stuff.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Jos
Date: 21 Jun 18 - 07:19 AM

" the new pronunciation of 'th' as 'f'"

Nothing 'new' about that, or about the disappearing 't' - though tha' has cer'ainly been ge'ing worse recen'ly.

One pronunciation that is relatively new is the failure to use 'an' in place of 'a', or to pronounce 'the' as 'thee', before a vowel.
It seems to have started with children and teenagers, but now seems to have spread to radio and television presenters (who, after all, will have been teenagers not long ago).

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Jun 18 - 07:19 AM

"And the new pronunciation of 'th' as 'f', Sen! Eastenders has much to answer for!"

You can't say fairer than that then...

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Backwoodsman
Date: 21 Jun 18 - 07:44 AM

"One pronunciation that is relatively new is the failure to use 'an' in place of 'a', or to pronounce 'the' as 'thee', before a vowel.
It seems to have started with children and teenagers, but now seems to have spread to radio and television presenters (who, after all, will have been teenagers not long ago)."

My impression is that those are examples of Americanisms which have winged their way, via TV shows, across the Atlantic. There are many of those nowadays - i even heard a young person here recently say that something or other 'sucks', an expression never heard (certainly in my part of the UK) in my own youth.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Senoufou
Date: 21 Jun 18 - 07:58 AM

It's very interesting to me to hear all these language and pronunciation innovations. Words such as 'like' seem to arrive like a swarm of bees in conversations among younger folk on TV.
And I always have said that I'm delighted with 'innit?' Love that one!

We just had an absurd moment in Asda this morning. My husband needed two packets of strong shoelaces for his work boots. He always loves the self-service checkout (I don't!) The machine didn't WANT him to buy two packets, and a disembodied voice kept repeating, "This has already been checked out. Please place in the bagging area!"
We sent for the lady, who kept fighting with the device, but it wouldn't budge. She eventually told us to pay for one packet, then start all over again as if we'd just arrived, in order to pay for the second. Luckily the machine didn't twig it was us again!
Blooming crazy!

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: leeneia
Date: 21 Jun 18 - 12:29 PM

Those errors may have come from TV, but TV is not real life. I have never heard an American use a or thuh before a vowel. Foreigners, yes, but they quickly catch on.

As for saying f for th, didn't Dickens characters do that sometimes?

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Jos
Date: 21 Jun 18 - 02:22 PM

I, too, thought that 'f' for 'th' cropped up in Dickens, but I haven't time to look for examples at the moment.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Senoufou
Date: 21 Jun 18 - 02:34 PM

I've just thumbed through Oliver Twist leeneia, and strangely enough, Dickens doesn't depict Cockney speech by substituting f for th. And one would imagine the urchins in Fagin's den would have spoken Cockney like the very Devil!

However, the accent of East London was probably heard for hundreds of years, while rhyming slang became current in the nineteenth century.

I spoke with rather a Cockney accent (with a West London twist) when I was a girl, much to my father's annoyance! My sister and I dropped our aitches and used f for th, but tried to modify our speech if he was around.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: frogprince
Date: 21 Jun 18 - 05:25 PM

I would fink fat fat would be confusing.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Backwoodsman
Date: 22 Jun 18 - 01:48 AM

That would be, "I fink vat vat would be confusing", Froggie!

The soft 'th' (as in 'think' ) is mispronounced as an 'f'. The hard 'th' (as in 'that') would, if mispronounced at all, be pronounced as a 'v'. However, IME, many who mispronounce the soft 'th' do actually pronounce the hard 'th' correctly.

That's my observation anyway.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Senoufou
Date: 22 Jun 18 - 02:16 AM

Quite right Backwoodsman. Voiced and unvoiced dental fricative.

I'd say 'think' would indeed be 'fink', But 'that' might sometimes have nothing at all at the front, as in 'wossat?' (What's that?) or 'oozat?' (who's that?)
My sis and I used to say 'aas' for house. Drove my poor father mad.

To complicate matters, my mother (from Cork) spoke with a soft Irish accent, and used 't' for 'th', as in Tursday,
It's a wonder we learned any English at all!

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Backwoodsman
Date: 22 Jun 18 - 02:52 AM

"Voiced and unvoiced dental fricative."

Oh Sen, you're so clever, I love clever women! I racked my brain for the correct term, and you just came right out with it! My heroine! <3

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Senoufou
Date: 22 Jun 18 - 03:05 AM

Ooooh Backwoodsman! (blushes and swoons) :)

I'm not really clever, but one of my subsidiary subjects at Uni was Phonetics, which I adored (and got Distinction!)
We had to be able to pronounce sounds from phonetic script, and I loved doing it.
For instance one produced a fricative 'sandwich' with a vowel either side. My favourite was the pharyngeal fricative (found in Arabic for example) It's like a deep-throated growl.

But best of all were the clicks. I can do them all. Palatal, alveolar, lateral etc. Miriam Makeba used them when singing. And the San or Masarwa people click away like anything! So do the Zulus.

sigh... I adore languages and accents!

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Will Fly
Date: 22 Jun 18 - 03:42 AM

The classic Cockny consonant substitution in Dickens's early years was "v" for "w" - as in "Sam Veller" for "Sam Weller" ("The Pickwick Papers").

Another example, perhaps, is the song title "Villikins and his Dinah".

Returning to the thread topic, there used to a two road signs, one above the other, at a road junction in Lancaster, reading:

CREMATORIUM
ONE WAY STREET

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Will Fly
Date: 22 Jun 18 - 03:43 AM

Sigh... "Cockney" ...

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Senoufou
Date: 22 Jun 18 - 04:02 AM

I like the transient 'h' which goes when it should be there, but arrives when not wanted. eg Eliza Dolittle, "In 'ertford, 'ereford and 'ampshire, 'urricanes 'ardly hever 'appen."

I like the crematorium sign Will. Only too true!

A hand-made sign appeared on the main road not far from our village which, a propos of nothing, instructed one to 'TURN RIGHT TWICE'. We never did discover its purpose, and it vanished a few weeks later. Normal for Norfolk!

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Will Fly
Date: 22 Jun 18 - 04:31 AM

There's a village called Beckley in East Sussex (not far from Rye). Some years ago, fed up with all the gossip and rumour that was rife in the village, particularly in the local pub, an anonymous local had a realistic road sign made. The correct, official sign was taken down at dead of night, and replaced by his version, which read:

BECKLEY

TWINNED WITH PLUTO

Pluto, of course, being a gas giant... I only wish I'd had my camera with me when I first saw it. It was there for some weeks before the local council could get round to putting a correct sign back!

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Senoufou
Date: 22 Jun 18 - 05:39 AM

Hahaha Will!
Folk are always stealing the village signs round here. Particularly popular are Fustyweed, Great Snoring and Little Snoring, and also Nowhere Lane (very near us, and it does lead somewhere, namely Reepham!)

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 22 Jun 18 - 06:44 AM

Eliza:
I would like to defend the Norwich grocer advertising "Cauli's".
The apostrophe can also be used to show the omission of one or more letters. So Cauli's rather than Cauliflowers would be correct.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Senoufou
Date: 22 Jun 18 - 06:54 AM

You're quite right as usual Nigel. We'll have to buy some medjoul dates in addition to the Scotch bonnets the next time we visit his stall, as a penance!

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Senoufou
Date: 22 Jun 18 - 07:16 AM

Ha! The post lady just knocked on our door, and handed me an enormous cardboard parcel. I was thrilled - a surprise from somebody?
After hacking through all the cardboard, bubble wrap etc, and with the parcel getting smaller and smaller, (like the children's party game) the contents emerged. A tiny little potato peeler which I'd ordered from Amazon two days ago!
My husband was gutted. He thought too that it was an exciting gift.

Amazon are mad like this. We once received a box literally the size of a coffin, and it contained a pair of fluffy slippers!

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Will Fly
Date: 22 Jun 18 - 08:57 AM

Ah, but imagine ordering a pair of fluffy slippers and actually getting a coffin! Wouldn't that be fun?

One of the most photographed village signs in Dorset is outside the village of Droop. Men queue up to photographed standing by it.

A nice example of shrewd thinking by a local council is shown when you drive over the River Uck, near Uckfield in Sussex. The sign by the road and river is shaped like a T, with the word RIVER on the longer, top bit, and the word UCK on the shorter bottom bit. No space for an F there...

As for our neighbouring village of Fulking - well, need I say more?

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Jos
Date: 22 Jun 18 - 09:22 AM

I went to Lidl yesterday - they are the ones selling 'celery storks'.
I bought a small pack of radish, as the ones I planted in the garden aren't ready yet. According to my till receipt, I bought 'Funsize Radfish'.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: DMcG
Date: 22 Jun 18 - 09:29 AM

Ah, I love to see the radfish sporting merrily in the brook.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Raedwulf
Date: 22 Jun 18 - 10:29 AM

Well, if road signs are allowed under absurdities... I think I may have told this one before on the 'cat (legal apostrophe! ;-) ).

For several years, I was in the habit of going to the Festival At The Edge storytelling festival (which is how I wound up here, but that's another story!), the Edge in question being Wenlock Edge in Shropshire. Somewhere up on the top of Long Mynd is a road sign that points the way to

The Bog
Squilver

which are, of course, two separate places, but together sound like a fabulous Grendel-esque monster. At, I think, my second festival, I met the wonderful Val Littlehales, who writes & performs poetry in the local idiom. For some reason I mentioned this road sign, at which she delightedly exclaimed "I was born in The Bog!"

And then realised what she'd just said...

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Senoufou
Date: 22 Jun 18 - 01:38 PM

My parents had some American friends (from just after the War) and went over to visit them in Pennsylvania. They showed me their holiday photos, and there they were smiling broadly under a sign saying 'Intercourse'.

My sister lives quite near Longforgan in Perthshire, and the 'f' is forever being obliterated.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: BobL
Date: 22 Jun 18 - 05:03 PM

For the benefit of those who haven't come across this before (and with apologies to those who have): Sandwich is, as you know, a town in the English county of Kent. About a mile to the south of it there is a village by the name of Ham. About a quarter of a mile further south there is a road junction, with a sign famously proclaiming:

HAM
SANDWICH

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Senoufou
Date: 23 Jun 18 - 03:34 AM

I bet that sign is frequently pinched BobL!

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Black belt caterpillar wrestler
Date: 25 Jun 18 - 03:41 AM

Out at a fete recently and saw a sign that really needed an extra comma, or more thought.

DOGS PROHIBITED
GOLF PRACTICE,
HORSERIDING
NOT ALLOWED

Don't know how many dogs wanted to practice golf...

Robin

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Senoufou
Date: 25 Jun 18 - 04:03 AM

I'd love to see the dogs horse-riding. That would draw crowds to the fete.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: keberoxu
Date: 27 Jun 18 - 12:17 PM

"radfish" --

there is an online presence with the "radfish"
nickname.

Something about stand-up paddleboards in southern California.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 27 Jun 18 - 01:04 PM

Next time you are oop t'north Steve travel West on the M60 from Whitefield and come off at the A666 Robin Hood junction towards Pendlebury. Use Google maps for directions to, say, Salford and it will say

Stay in the left lane to keep right and then turn left.

I have never figured it out.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: DMcG
Date: 27 Jun 18 - 06:08 PM

Just got this:

===========

Hi David, EE here. Did you know you've spent £4.99 on 1GB of data in the last 3 months. We think you might be better suited to a 1GB plan. Switch over for £7.69 extra a month


=======

Does that really recommend changing from £4.99 every three months to an extra £7.69 a month? What a bargain.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Jun 18 - 06:26 PM

I'll be oop north very shortly as it happens, Dave, but I have to come off the motorway at the Pilsworth junction in order to pick up my click 'n' collect order of twelve bottles of Wine Atlas Negroamaro from Pilsworth Asda. It is truly a thing of beauty. Don't worry, my loyalty to Morrisons Nero d'Avola is undimmed, especially as it's two for ten quid, AND as I have a five quid voucher...

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Jos
Date: 28 Jun 18 - 02:57 AM

Keberoxu, you found radfish on the internet - are they the 'funsize' ones? Small paddleboards sound like fun.

Next, you'll be telling me there really are celery storks.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Raedwulf
Date: 28 Jun 18 - 03:15 AM

It would appear that you can get celery storks, Jos. Try googling it... ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: frogprince
Date: 01 Jul 18 - 12:46 PM

Two of life's little absurdities: bathing suits and summer pajamas.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 02 Jul 18 - 07:40 AM

Elmlea cream (substitute)
It advertises on the package "lasts longer once opened". Another miracle of science.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Senoufou
Date: 02 Jul 18 - 08:15 AM

Hahaha Nigel! If only that were true!

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 Jul 18 - 09:38 AM

Mrs G often used to buy biscuits that no one likes because they last longer :-D

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Jos
Date: 02 Jul 18 - 09:49 AM

When I was a child I was told that you shouldn't eat cake when it was still warm from the oven because it was indigestible. But if we had a sponge for pudding with custard - a sponge made with the same ingredients as the cake - we had to eat it while it was hot, because if it went cold it would be indigestible.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 Jul 18 - 09:56 AM

Did your Mum ever say "have you seen the back of your neck?" ?

:D

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Senoufou
Date: 02 Jul 18 - 11:01 AM

My Irish mother would shout up the stairs in the morning, "Will you hurry up down!"

I noticed a 'meme' today which said, "Behold the field in which I cultivate my f****. Lay thine eyes upon it, and thou shalt see that it is barren!" Marvellous way of saying "I don't care!"

One of the prisoners I visited was a Scouser and very funny. He told me whenever he was arrested (which was frequently) the Police filled in a description form and always asked, "What colour are your eyes?" and he always replied, "I don't know, I can't see them."

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: peteglasgow
Date: 02 Jul 18 - 11:07 AM

weegie (glaswegian) clippies (bus conductresses) were famous for shouting 'c'moan-get aff!'

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Senoufou
Date: 02 Jul 18 - 11:25 AM

Ha pete! My Glasgow pupils used to come out with all sorts of funny stuff like that. For example,

"Miss! Miss! See Jamie? He's no in skewl the day!"

And a letter from mum, "He's no awfy weel and is under the doctor."

For some strange reason, such letters always ended with "...and oblige," then a signature.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 Jul 18 - 02:59 PM

At work we have outsourced a lot of tasks to Tata Consultancy Services so I am constantly in contact with Indian consultants. Every one I have met has been very friendly and polite but they have a very annoying turn of phrase when requesting something by email. They finish it with -

"Please do the needful"

I don't know why but it drives me daft. Well, dafter...

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Jul 18 - 06:12 PM

Construction underway with
Permanent temporary repairs

Signs on every street here

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: G-Force
Date: 03 Jul 18 - 06:36 AM

When I used to cycle to work I use go past a one-way street. It had 'no entry' signs at the entrance, then a few yards further in, a 30 mph speed limit sign.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Senoufou
Date: 03 Jul 18 - 07:36 AM

Not long ago in a side street in Norwich, there were roadworks and some temporary traffic lights. They were at green so we proceeded carefully. Then we noticed traffic was also coming towards us, until we all met in the middle at an impasse. My husband got out and looked at both sets of lights, and they were both permanently on green!

I then approached one of the workmen and politely explained there was an error, but the chap was furious for some odd reason. He ranted and raved at us as if we were idiots. I adopted my 'Teacher Basilisk Stare' and my best 'Stern Teacher Giving Detention Voice', and he consented to have a look.
It was fortunate that everyone had crossed the lights with care, or there might have been a collision. My husband directed the traffic and got people to reverse, while the rude twat sorted out the lights.
We later reckoned the chap had been embarrassed, and his aggression was defensive.
Normal for Norfolk!

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 03 Jul 18 - 07:53 AM

Defense mechanism. When in the wrong, become abusive. Pretty much like some on here ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Senoufou
Date: 03 Jul 18 - 07:59 AM

You're right Dave, and it's a bit childish and very unpleasant, in public and on here. But I suppose it is a case of 'Life's Little Absurdities' and the best way forward for me is to keep calm and carry on!
I usually end up in fits of giggles, but when it's a case of potential road accidents, it's not as funny. The chap didn't apologise, but stomped off grumbling to himself.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Jos
Date: 03 Jul 18 - 09:17 AM

I once saw a woman come out of a bank branch and drop a large bundle of banknotes as she got into her car. I picked up the money, tapped on her window, and handed it back to her. She looked furious as she took the money and drove off without even a 'Thank you'.
I took it as being shock and anger at herself, rather than any animosity towards me.

The workman at your traffic lights was probably aware of how serious it could have been, and his anger was at the faulty lights, not at the drivers.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Senoufou
Date: 03 Jul 18 - 09:29 AM

Good heavens Jos, she was one very lucky lady! You could have pocketed the blooming lot!

Some people seem to be in a permanent strop.
We went to investigate a new double mattress at a shop called Mattressman. We inspected several on offer, then approached the salesman to ask about prices. He was absolutely horrid and obviously in an extremely bad temper. He nearly bit us, like a savage rottweiler.

I began to wonder if it was one of those spoof TV programmes where they set up a situation then film it. But no. After being barked at, snarled at and grunted at, we made our excuses and left.

On the way home we began to laugh, (we're usually laughing, things tickle us a lot) I wonder how many beds the chap actually sold?

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 03 Jul 18 - 10:11 AM

We used to see all sorts of strange things at Fleetwood where we were regular attendees of the Fylde Folk Festival. Some signs threw me -

This pier is open all year round from November 1st

These toilets are fitted with anti-climb

and, the oddest of the lot in a glass office in the indoor market -

This is not a ladies toilet.

The Victoria Cafe was always a source of amusement but the strangest thing we saw was just outside as we were waiting to be served. A policeman came out of the police station opposite carrying 2 teapots and put them down on the pavement. About 5 minutes later he came out, picked them up and carried them back in. The same day, in a joke shop round the corner from the cafe, there was a sign on the door proclaiming "Door sticks". The proprietor had no sense of humour and just looked blank when I went in to ask him for a door stick...

:D tG

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 03 Jul 18 - 11:50 AM

A policeman came out of the police station opposite carrying 2 teapots and put them down on the pavement. In good weather it's a cheap way to 'warm the pot' before making a fresh brew.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 03 Jul 18 - 02:17 PM

Good point! We often used to get good weather during early September.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jul 18 - 06:53 PM

Now the following is what I CALL absurd. It is not possible to serve yourself a portion of Weetabix in the normal manner, i.e., by taking the Weetabix out of the pack and placing it in your cereal bowl on the kitchen worktop, unless you have the hoover handy. I get round this by doing this manoeuvre deep in the kitchen sink. In addition, any cereal bowl that has had Weetabix in it will have bits of food set like concrete for the rest of your life unless you rinse out the bowl within five minutes of finishing your breakfast. You do have to wonder what's happening in your insides when you eat Weetabix...

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: keberoxu
Date: 05 Jul 18 - 02:20 PM

I didn't see this myself, it was reported second-, maybe third-, hand:

There was a sign posted warning that
cigarette smoking is dangerous to fetuses in utero ...

in the men's room.

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Senoufou
Date: 05 Jul 18 - 02:35 PM

I think it's an absurdity that people still buy cigarettes and smoke when on the front of the packets are the most revolting photos of what smoking can do to you. One would think they'd be put off, but no...

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Raedwulf
Date: 05 Jul 18 - 04:55 PM

I know what a cirrhotic liver looks like, Sen. I still drink... ;-)

Smoking I never did see the point of, I confess!

But it always happens to someone else. And it doesn't matter if the someone else is a 20-, 30-, 40- year older you. It's not you now. So you continue to do whatever, because it's someone else that suffers the consequences. It's not me. I feel fine. It's someone else's problem...

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Senoufou
Date: 05 Jul 18 - 05:07 PM

That's true of course Raedwulf. One could say I know full well what becomes of greedy buttered crumpet eaters, but I still indulge!
However, bottles of alcohol don't actually have photos of livers on the labels.

I'm also put off by the endless lists of side-effects written on that bit of paper that comes with one's tablets. If the scary things written on my particular medication were true, I'd be better off leaving the blooming things on the pharmacist's shelf.

(If nobody has posted before me, this should be 100!!)

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Raedwulf
Date: 05 Jul 18 - 05:14 PM

You're a very well preserved 100, sweetheart. I'm merely a pickled 99. And 101! ;-)

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Senoufou
Date: 05 Jul 18 - 05:21 PM

Oh Raedwulf, you're too gallant....(swoons gracefully)

Subject: RE: BS: Life's little absurdities
From: Raedwulf
Date: 05 Jul 18 - 05:52 PM

Ma'mselle! One cannot be too gallant... ;-)