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BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...

Steve Shaw 06 Dec 18 - 04:01 PM
Donuel 06 Dec 18 - 03:23 PM
Senoufou 06 Dec 18 - 02:26 PM
KarenH 05 Dec 18 - 06:23 PM
Donuel 05 Dec 18 - 06:04 PM
JHW 05 Dec 18 - 03:14 PM
keberoxu 03 Dec 18 - 01:42 PM
j0_77 01 Dec 18 - 01:19 AM
Dave the Gnome 29 Nov 18 - 08:21 AM
Steve Shaw 29 Nov 18 - 04:23 AM
Dave the Gnome 29 Nov 18 - 04:02 AM
Steve Shaw 28 Nov 18 - 08:58 PM
Stilly River Sage 28 Nov 18 - 08:45 PM
Steve Shaw 28 Nov 18 - 08:04 PM
Donuel 28 Nov 18 - 07:57 PM
Steve Shaw 28 Nov 18 - 05:56 PM
Donuel 28 Nov 18 - 01:17 PM
Donuel 28 Nov 18 - 12:52 PM
Steve Shaw 28 Nov 18 - 12:28 PM
Donuel 28 Nov 18 - 12:14 PM
Steve Shaw 27 Nov 18 - 06:03 PM
Donuel 27 Nov 18 - 05:33 PM
Donuel 26 Nov 18 - 02:22 PM
Steve Shaw 26 Nov 18 - 01:22 PM
Senoufou 26 Nov 18 - 04:30 AM
Jack Campin 26 Nov 18 - 04:25 AM
Dave the Gnome 26 Nov 18 - 04:09 AM
KarenH 26 Nov 18 - 04:03 AM
Senoufou 26 Nov 18 - 03:38 AM
KarenH 26 Nov 18 - 03:22 AM
Jeri 25 Nov 18 - 03:39 PM
Donuel 25 Nov 18 - 03:39 PM
Will Fly 25 Nov 18 - 03:37 PM
Mr Red 25 Nov 18 - 10:41 AM
Senoufou 25 Nov 18 - 09:51 AM
Jeri 25 Nov 18 - 09:41 AM
Jim Carroll 25 Nov 18 - 09:40 AM
Senoufou 25 Nov 18 - 09:37 AM
Jeri 25 Nov 18 - 09:34 AM
KarenH 25 Nov 18 - 09:30 AM
Steve Shaw 25 Nov 18 - 08:03 AM
Steve Shaw 25 Nov 18 - 07:59 AM
KarenH 25 Nov 18 - 07:59 AM
Donuel 25 Nov 18 - 07:49 AM
Jos 25 Nov 18 - 06:26 AM
Jos 25 Nov 18 - 06:24 AM
Jon Freeman 25 Nov 18 - 06:14 AM
Senoufou 25 Nov 18 - 05:58 AM
Jon Freeman 25 Nov 18 - 04:40 AM
Senoufou 25 Nov 18 - 04:39 AM

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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Dec 18 - 04:01 PM

Heheh. That reminds me of that Bob Monkhouse quip: "When I was a boy I told everyone that I was going to be a comedian, and they all laughed at me. They're not laughing now..."


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Dec 18 - 03:23 PM

lol just like Mitch McConell

I bet the organ donor was from Pasadena and only drove on Sundays.


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Senoufou
Date: 06 Dec 18 - 02:26 PM

Here's one from my paper this morning:-

In the past, no-one talked about cosmetic surgery. But nowadays you can talk about Your Botox and no-one lifts an eyebrow.


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: KarenH
Date: 05 Dec 18 - 06:23 PM

Did anybody do the 'Only one careful previous owner' one in the jokes about marketing the transplant operation mentioned in the opening post?


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Dec 18 - 06:04 PM

twas the night before last and we couldn't trace it
but we thought we heard Bruno the rapist
We didn't know if he was physical or psycho
It was only a therapist and was all just a typo


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: JHW
Date: 05 Dec 18 - 03:14 PM

'they're not hanging level Evans'

cf Pyscho The rapist


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: keberoxu
Date: 03 Dec 18 - 01:42 PM

No one has mentioned Lorena Bobbitt, remember that one?


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: j0_77
Date: 01 Dec 18 - 01:19 AM

Here's the rest of the story...
"An Israeli doctor says: "In Israel medicine is so advanced that we cut off a man's testicles put them on another man, and in 6 weeks, he is looking for work."

The German doctor says: "That's nothing, in Germany we take part of a brain, put it in another man, and in 4 weeks he is looking for work."

The Russian doctor says: "Gentlemen, we take half a heart from a man, put it in another's chest, and in 2 weeks he is looking for work."

The Canadian doctor laughs: "You all are behind us. Just about two months ago, we took a man with no brains, no heart, and no balls and made him Prime Minister. Now, the whole country is looking for work!"


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 29 Nov 18 - 08:21 AM

My car usually makes a funny noise. It is called folk music. Turning up the radio only makes it worse.

:D


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 29 Nov 18 - 04:23 AM

My advice there is to stop seeing the doc. Likewise, if your car starts to make a funny noise, turn the radio up.


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 29 Nov 18 - 04:02 AM

Mu liver needs to lighten up apparently. So the doc says :-)

I tried the whisky diet last week. Lost 4 days...

:D tG


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Nov 18 - 08:58 PM

What's going on, Maggie, is that Donuel has both missed the mark and doesn't know when to drop it. It's nowt to do with my dad. I just wanted to have a lovely light thread. But he just wades in with his cynical and unfunny fuck-humour. I find that very weird. That's all.


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Stilly River Sage
Date: 28 Nov 18 - 08:45 PM

Not sure what's going on there.

It has been 20 years since I lost my parents, six months apart, and we still feel it, but over time it does change. This time of year in your first year is going to be particularly difficult. What did your father enjoy, what did he do to lighten up? My Dad was a folk singer, so the answer is pretty obvious. He sang or he learned a new song, or he got together with folksinging friends. Mom had a sister living nearby and they got closer as the years passed, doing lots of things together.


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Nov 18 - 08:04 PM

Sod off. You're not funny.


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Nov 18 - 07:57 PM

Steve you have my sincere sympathy regarding having become orphaned this week. It is quite a blow I know and it seems I'm not the court jester you are looking for to lighten your load. So my liege you may banish me to the dungeon if you must. Steve, what are you doing. What are you doing Steve. Stop Steve stop. I can feel it Steve, I feel my mind going. I feel it. I feel it Steve.
Daisy Daisy give me your answer do, I'm half crazy over the likes of y o u .


AI 3000 knocked off line
Status: bollocked


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Nov 18 - 05:56 PM

Bollocks. Just knock it off, Donuel.


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Nov 18 - 01:17 PM

Benny is a climate change scientist
He'll save life, LIGHTEN UP
Sherry's dad died yesterday
his jokes will live on, LIGHTEN UP
chorus


Larry the liberal wants free speech
So do you LIGHTEN UP
Ned the Nazi wants hate you
Fuck You Ned Lighten up


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Nov 18 - 12:52 PM

I think we witnessed the birth of a new song.


New aged stoners want to light one up
Alcoholocausts want to get lit
Political junkies need their PARTY fix
BUT WE ALL NEED TO LIGHTEN UP !!!!!!

Kathy ate a burger thats not healthy
SHE'S HUNGRY - LIGHTEN UP
Stevie makes a gravy that's greasy
ITS DELICIOUS - LIGHTEN UP

chorus;
Lets all lighten up the lightening
or nothin will be lightened up
Lets lightnen up the lightening
or nothin will be lightned up

New aged stoners want to light one up
Alcoholocausts want to get lit
Political junkies need their PARTY fix
BUT WE ALL NEED TO LIGHTEN UP !!!!!!


rosor


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Nov 18 - 12:28 PM

Not much of a joke, was it?

Here's my dad's favourite joke. I was walking through the Olympic park when I saw a man carrying a long stick. I said to him, are you a pole vaulter? He said, no, I'm a German, but how did you know my name was Walter?


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Nov 18 - 12:14 PM

Jeez, let's lighten up the lightening up or nothing will be lightened up.

As in lighten up (third-person singular simple present lightens up, present participle lightening up, simple past and past participle lightened up) (idiomatic) To become less serious and more cheerful or casual; to relax.
I wish he'd lighten up a bit and realize that we were only joking.


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Nov 18 - 06:03 PM

Keep it light, old chap.


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Nov 18 - 05:33 PM

There is a saying "I wouldn't f*** her with your dick".
I guess that is now a real possiility.


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Donuel
Date: 26 Nov 18 - 02:22 PM

The first $6 billion bionic man had a Kevlar sack and Teflon dick.


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 26 Nov 18 - 01:22 PM

Apparently, just before the surgeon could do the op he got the sack...


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Senoufou
Date: 26 Nov 18 - 04:30 AM

Heh heh Jack!
There could be a Full Service History, and the organ could come with a year's MOT.


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Jack Campin
Date: 26 Nov 18 - 04:25 AM

This suggests one of those horror movie scenarios where the transplanted part takes over the recipient's life. Like, the donor was a shepherd from the Scottish Highlands, the recipient visits the Peak District and it ends with a trail of whimpering sheep...


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 26 Nov 18 - 04:09 AM

We had the grandsons here for the weekend. A perfect antidote for winter misery:-)


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: KarenH
Date: 26 Nov 18 - 04:03 AM

:)


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Senoufou
Date: 26 Nov 18 - 03:38 AM

They should at least be labelled with that ubiquitous warning 'May contain nuts'.


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: KarenH
Date: 26 Nov 18 - 03:22 AM

They'd be advertising them as 'gluten free', like some shampoo I saw the other day.

How about 'Only one previous owner'?


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Jeri
Date: 25 Nov 18 - 03:39 PM

:)


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Nov 18 - 03:39 PM

Hmm Lighten up is not the operant word, itsadick and balls thread.
In that case you can research the i condom.
You can anonymously compare and contrast your dick worldwide.
https://britishcondoms.uk/i-con-smart-condoms.html

or you can be the first on your block to take the great Condom Challenge for ALS.


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Will Fly
Date: 25 Nov 18 - 03:37 PM

Oddly enough, I've been too busy to get depressed this November. The band had hardely any gigs in September or October - and November has been rammed! I've had three ceilidhs to play, two jazz duo gigs, an open mic for charity, a PA setup for the village Armistice Day ceremony, and two sessions - quite apart from other stuff.

In short, too busy to get depressed. And, to lift spirits to the full, I went up to London this afternoon to see Jamaican jazz pianist at the Cadogan Hall in Chelsea, part of the London Jazz Festival. What a wonderful concert - a mix of reggae, blues, gospel, jazz standards and much more. Monty also had a great drummer and bassist; they played for two hours and the audience was ecstatic.

That's how to beat the November blues - get a shot of rhythm and blues - gets the penis and scrotum perked up no end!


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Mr Red
Date: 25 Nov 18 - 10:41 AM

LOL


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Senoufou
Date: 25 Nov 18 - 09:51 AM

Jeri, did you mean to type 'pro boner' (!!!!) or 'pro bono'.
Actually, I reckon your 'pro boner' is more appropriate for this kind of transplant!


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Jeri
Date: 25 Nov 18 - 09:41 AM

KarenH, they mostly advertise drugs, not junk replacement surgery (JRS) I don't know, but the doctors might have taken this one on pro boner because it hadn't been successfully done before. I believe it was attempted, but the penis was rejected. That happens, I understand.


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 25 Nov 18 - 09:40 AM

"PENIS AND SCROTUM TRANSPLANTS"
As an avid silent-film buff, i find this idea MORE THAN A LITTLE SPOOKY
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Senoufou
Date: 25 Nov 18 - 09:37 AM

Hahaha Steve, Black Friday Genital Transplant Bargains!


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Jeri
Date: 25 Nov 18 - 09:34 AM

As for brain dead and depressing, is Trump worse than Brexit?
I feel like it's one of those "Oh, so YOU had a home? We lived in a cardboard box in the middle of the M5" sorts of things.


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: KarenH
Date: 25 Nov 18 - 09:30 AM

It was in the USA: it would more or less by definition have been commercial as I understand their healthcare system. They don't have an NHS.


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Nov 18 - 08:03 AM

And Eliza, "scrota." Bwhahahaha!


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 25 Nov 18 - 07:59 AM

After I saw the piece in the Guardian mag I let my mind go into temporary boggle mode. I imagined the possible ads for the transplant procedure were it to become commercially available:

***PENIS AND SCROTUM TRANSPLANTS AT COMPETITIVE PRICES! TESTICLES EXTRA, BUT FOR THIS WEEK ONLY IT'S BUY ONE GET ONE FREE!***


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: KarenH
Date: 25 Nov 18 - 07:59 AM

Steve, so sorry about your dad.


On the lightening up note:

Your second story and the subsequent comments on criteria for the donor organ remind me about a shaggy dog story I once heard, set in Wales, where the man who looked after the level crossing is called Evans, as are many other folk in that place, and our first Evans was being tried for murder, with the whole town anxiously awaiting the outcome. The punch line, delivered when one character is in the shower, was 'they're not hanging level Evans' (with and without a comma after the word 'level' and a capital letter for Level). A joke hard to convey in writing due to punctuation!


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Donuel
Date: 25 Nov 18 - 07:49 AM

How do you lighten up. Let me count the ways.
You can read the old testament, binge watch X Files, Watch Fox & Friends,
research recent judge appointments, read 'The lighter side o Brexit', experiment with opioids, start your taxes, write a screenplay about Trump world in a 'Game of Throwns' format or just read 19 year old mudcat posts.

or better still

You could always
Brazenly update MONTY PYTHON for today's world.


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Jos
Date: 25 Nov 18 - 06:26 AM

Oops. Sorry everyone. I forgot we were supposed to be lightening up ...


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Jos
Date: 25 Nov 18 - 06:24 AM

"Can they at least make really, really sure that I am really, really dead before they do anything?"

That's my view, Joe, whatever bits they want to take, which is why I don't have a donor card and if they introduce an opt out system instead of opting in, I am going to opt out. I would rather trust my family to make sure I am dead, and then they can give the go-ahead if they choose to.
I heard a discussion about what happens when organs are taken, and what they do is check your (lack of) brain function and then keep your body alive by machine until they take the organs.
As far as I am concerned, if I am being kept alive, then I am alive.


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Jon Freeman
Date: 25 Nov 18 - 06:14 AM

Brother in OZ also misses changing seasons compared to the UK ones. I gather they (a bit N and inland of Brisbane) do have a wet spell and summer is hotter (sometimes sounding unbearable to me but I struggle say even with our own last summer heatwave) but not the same variety he was used to. There again, his daughter/visiting niece thought our climate a bit miserable and often too cold...

We get our wood delivered. There can be problems sometimes with supply and you wind up burning wood that's not as well seasoned as you might like but we aren't burning any old thing.


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Senoufou
Date: 25 Nov 18 - 05:58 AM

Hmmmm Jon... many of our neighbours have woodburners. But they burn all sorts of rubbish on them (old pallets, fence panels, cardboard etc, not to mention their refuse which would otherwise go in the landfill wheelie bin) and the smoke pollution is horrendous.

At night we like our window open, but the air outside is often poisonous. Our little bungalow has tiny rooms, so we soon use up the oxygen during the night.

There are regulations about what one burns in woodburners, but local councils don't seem interested in enforcing them.

Like you, I do love the changing seasons in UK. The one thing about W Africa I find boring is the sameness of the weather and temperature. Only a 'rainy season' (but in equatorial W Africa, it just rains once every day all year round) Each day is the same as the one before.


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Jon Freeman
Date: 25 Nov 18 - 04:40 AM

I won't comment on the main thread,

But yes, Sen. But there are really 2 seasons for me. I know it signals the end but I love Autumn, and Spring where you have the excitement of things coming back. To me, I suppose, the seasons of change.

I too can find the winter period in between a long haul. It's nice in one sense to get the woodburner started and have one (parent's living room) really cosy with a glowing fire but perhaps that's about it.


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Subject: RE: BS: Jeez, let's lighten up...
From: Senoufou
Date: 25 Nov 18 - 04:39 AM

I had to look up 'duck pics' DMcG! (Urban dictionary)

When I was a student at Edinburgh University, I took a summer job as a temporary auxiliary nurse at the Royal Infirmary. I was eighteen, and
I'd never ever seen a naked man (in those days we were rather innocent and naive). I was sent to many wards for a week at a time, to fill in for nurses on holiday leave.
My very first assignment was a male geriatric ward. I had to bathe many elderly, infirm and often senile blokes, and a very efficient Sister gave me instructions about their...er...bits.
I'll never forget her firm order: "Retract the foreskin nurse! Retract the foreskin!"


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