Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018 & MMario Wake

Subject: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Severn
Date: 17 Dec 18 - 10:58 PM

After having recovered from a fractured forearm, Severn, finally able to drive again and thinking he's. Showing up late, pulls up in his junker to the Tavern, which seems empty. After talking to Les, the Lawn Moor, who was appointed caretaker last year and Semi Moro, the hunchback in the Bell Tower, our year round residents, there hasn't been a sign of anyone, and he hasn't seen a thread on the subject, he drives back home and goes to sleep.......

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: GUEST,keberoxu
Date: 17 Dec 18 - 11:09 PM

... but what happened to the giant wombat and the dodo bird?

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Senoufou
Date: 18 Dec 18 - 04:36 AM

Is the Jelly (Jello) Pit still there?

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 18 Dec 18 - 05:01 AM

...i'm NOT cleaning out the jello pit this year, the state you guys left it in...
RtS

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Senoufou
Date: 18 Dec 18 - 05:57 AM

A large truck arrives and two men unload a very comfy sofa. It's installed near the fire in the Tavern. Plump old lady enters, lounges on the said sofa, beams benignly and looks around her in great anticipation...

In the distance, two very decrepit and elderly Siamese cats can be seen approaching along the path.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Severn
Date: 18 Dec 18 - 11:23 AM

I didn't even bother to go inside when I was there, because there was no sign of either Mmario or the alligator, I couldn't have even gotten a cup of coffee.

I did check the mail, and there was a Christmas card from DeFrosty the retired snowman all the way from Antarctica, where he's chillin' out for the holidays with his "Rose Of Snowman's Land", wishing all of us the best. Freeze a jolly good fellow!

The walls had been repaired or replaced as needed from last year, and I'm curious as to where any new magic doors might lead to......

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: GUEST,Interested visitor
Date: 18 Dec 18 - 11:42 AM

Several cats and ducks dosing in the exposed ceiling joists rouse and start watching the activity below. A sturdy rope suspended from an eyebolt in the rafters sways with the breeze from the door. In past years a tree swung from this rope.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: leeneia
Date: 18 Dec 18 - 01:27 PM

In the back room, another plump and elderly lady searches her computer for songs about the Magi. She is preparing for the return of the National Pointless Day party, to be held on the afternoon of January 1st. We will be celebrating Epiphany with drums and falafel. No shepherds allowed.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Jos
Date: 18 Dec 18 - 01:59 PM

I thought Epiphany was 6 January - so is that the National Pointless Week party? Sounds good to me.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: JennieG
Date: 18 Dec 18 - 02:42 PM

The giant wombat yawns, stretches, rolls over and goes back to sleep. It's not the time yet.....

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 18 Dec 18 - 04:36 PM

St. Nicks day was Dec. 6th. Hannuka is finished. Tis the season when Severn arrives in his 68 Galaxie. Its good the police haven't set up their sobriety check points yet. Besides Wombats are suppose to hibernate all winter unless poked.

Its always too early for procrastinators.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 18 Dec 18 - 06:53 PM

Wombats defecate cube-shaped pellets which they use to construct edifices meant to attract mates. The cubical shape makes the turds easier to stack. Yes, one could say wombats literally shit bricks.

Please make note of the new wing added to the tavern since last year. The one built from small brown "bricks".

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Rapparee
Date: 18 Dec 18 - 09:35 PM

He rolls up, sitting in his BRAND NEW DESK CHAIR, purchased or otherwise obtained this very morning. This year he decided that roasting hot dogs with his rapier wasn't good for the steel, so he only brought six brace of flintlock pistols (none of which work as Jennie filled them up with water).

Where's Squiddy?

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Dec 18 - 04:59 PM

Shit rolls downhill for most species but for those species who don't, usually meet an evolutionary dead end.

Wow that Desk Chair has more custom adjustments than a Mercedes S car seat while retaining the six spoke base. Those 7 wheel models are austentacious in looks but are uncomfortable and feeble in features.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Dec 18 - 05:17 PM

And he says, "My noble steed has equine getoverit, a disease causing equines to lay around and eat and frolic all day. Therefore, this year, I chose an alternative mode of transport. May I please have a flagon of mead -- real mead, not that flower-sniffer stuff you serve to the non-barbarians? And a half an auroch, if properly cooked by MMario."

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 19 Dec 18 - 05:36 PM

There's no such thing as an "auroch". "Aurochs" is both singular and plural. Like "sheep", only backwards. CLICK

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Rapparee
Date: 19 Dec 18 - 08:21 PM

Like "sheep", only backwards.

Okay, hcorua. Or even shcorua.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Dec 18 - 09:09 PM

The flagon of Mead will make you bleed, its the flagon with the dragon that has the brew that is true. May I suggest a double Rusty Nail, its lighter but never fails to delight.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Jos
Date: 20 Dec 18 - 03:03 AM

My way of remembering that it is 'aurochs' is to think of it as a kind of ox - a golden ox maybe. So the plural should be aurochsen

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Senoufou
Date: 20 Dec 18 - 05:00 AM

Smiling African chap (professional cleaner) arrives wearing cleaner's uniform. He begins cleaning out the jello pit and giving the whole place a nice spruce-up. Later he will change into his best and brightest African costume for the festivities.
Old lady directs the setting-up of special lighting, microphone and sound system.
There will be Morris dancing, folk singing and...demonstrations of The Floss.
Large lorry draws up. It contains enough crumpets for the Season.
And 135 different whiskies for Steve.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 20 Dec 18 - 10:45 AM

What? Only 135? 500 at least!
And a crate of Highland Spring for thise who want to savour all the other flavours released by such magic water.
And a crate of Irn Bru for the hangovers.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Jos
Date: 20 Dec 18 - 10:52 AM

My hangover cure is ready salted potato crisps (chips west of the Atlantic) so a supply of those might be useful.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Jos
Date: 20 Dec 18 - 10:53 AM

PS. They also work for travel sickness (and morning sickness, but I reckon I won't be suffering from that).

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Senoufou
Date: 20 Dec 18 - 10:56 AM

Well I think Steve said he wanted to savour 135 whiskies, but I may be wrong (memory is probably failing - too many chocolate eclairs, I've just wolfed down a whole box of 'em!)

Totally agree with your suggestions Tattie. Also, can another lorry arrive bearing haggises? (or 'haggai'?) And those lovely mutton pies with three holes in the top to let the grease out? And some potato scones? And some black bun?

Old lady drools on her sofa in anticipation. African chap has finished his cleaning and is smiling as usual. He's now off to change into his African outfit...

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Jos
Date: 20 Dec 18 - 11:50 AM

While the supplies are being gathered in Scotland for the lady on the sofa, could they put in some tablet please. (Google "Scottish tablet" and you'll understand.)

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 20 Dec 18 - 07:04 PM

Tablet - keep on taking them, of course! 95% sugar, but who cares this time of year? There is always the New Year diet and gym membership to look forward to!
Haggis - do you want whirls, balls or the whole bang shoot? (A haggis in a bird that has to be shot while it is sitting, according to my Mum, RIP.)
I'm off to change into my tartan tatters jacket: such a labour of love that was!
The 500 whiskies come from one of several Edinburgh pubs that profess to stock them all! Do NOT try them all in one night!

And in comes a white-haired (?gentle)man seriously under-armed with a minute screwdriver and packs of multiple sizes of lithium batteries and AAAs. His stated mission is to re-ignite all those stupid toys that sing and dance if you charge them up with said batteries. (My Facebook friends may well have deja vu over this!) "Let's Twist again" sings a groovy Santa, while a reindeer carps chocolate balls.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Rapparee
Date: 20 Dec 18 - 08:48 PM

"Squiddy! Here, Squiddy!" he calls and is answered by a slitherysucking sound from somewhere in the back.

Out front, a Christmas tree is being dragged into the hall. It is kind of a mess, as it was decorated on the ground due to its height.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Senoufou
Date: 21 Dec 18 - 04:30 AM

The old lady prefers haggis in a sheep's stomach, about the size of a melon, so she can plunge a dagger in and watch the insides spill out. Yummmmmmm! And the tablet is an excellent idea.

Smiling African man is helping to put the gigantic Crimbo tree up.
Father Christmas is having a tankard of Old Speckled Hen ale.

"It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!"

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 21 Dec 18 - 05:42 AM

Carps?? Craps! Definitely Christmas with reindeer crapping and Squiddy slithering and entrails gushing - "oh whit a sicht!"
Is it too soon to break out the Prosecco?

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Senoufou
Date: 21 Dec 18 - 06:00 AM

I was wondering about the reindeer with chocolate balls! :)
There's an enormous reservoir just behind the Tavern which is pure Prosecco, so anyone can take a wineglass down there (or a bucket!), dip it in and help themselves.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: MMario
Date: 21 Dec 18 - 07:45 AM

Bee-dubya-ell - I believe "Auroch" is the FRACTIONAL; One aurochs, two aurochs, half of an auroch. As it is one sheep, two sheep, half a mutton.

Uhm, just dropped in to tell you guys I can't cook this year. The medicos have put me on this Oxygen thingie and I don't think I want to be around flames....

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Senoufou
Date: 21 Dec 18 - 08:01 AM

Don't you worry MMario, there's plenty of room here on the sofa beside Plump Old Lady and Smiling African Man. Bring your oxygen thingie and let the others oversee the catering.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Dec 18 - 09:44 AM

I am not a fan of gourmet meats such as squid, LLC Llama lung casserole or hummingbird eye balls on beaks. Family fare is fine. Perhaps Steve could cook?

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 21 Dec 18 - 09:52 AM

The Gnome in the corner, who everyone assumed was a garden ornament because it had not moved since last December, opened one bleary eye.

"Whut? Christmas again? Yule be telling me I have been asleep for a year next."

The assembled company groan at the pun as detritus, dried spiders and even the odd live sparrow are brushed from the bright waistcoat and beer stained beard. Or should that be beered? With no apparent movement whatsoever the Gnome is now seated on a tall bar stool.

"How the..." begins the old lady but is interrupted by the sounds of creaking leather and keys jangling as the Gnome opens his wallet.

"Pint of Turbot's Really Odd" demands the Gnome. "Or failing that, anything that does not contain anti-freeze. Well, at a pinch. Maybe..."

The barman blows the dust from a battered pewter vessel that could be a pint pot but looks suspiciously bigger on the inside.

"Your usual tankard, sir? Although, I have never quite figured out how 6 pints in this can empty a 36 gallon barrel..."

The Gnome smiles, well, gnomically .

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Sandra in Sydney
Date: 21 Dec 18 - 09:55 AM

meanwhile upstairs, in the Gulgong Folk Festival thread, Dave the Gnome posted a hint as to the wombat's present location ...


CHRISTMAS IN AUSTRALIA. (Roaring Jelly)

Spoken
Forget your snow and reindeer and all that there malarky
'Cause down here Father Christmas wears a pair of shorts.---- KHAKI.

Chorus.
Christmas in Australia, is Christmas in paradise,
Christmas in Australia is basically, 'Bloody Nice',
Bruce goes steady with Sheila, and Sheila goes steady with Bruce,
And if you don't have a Christmas suntan, you're a 'Pommie' and you ain't no use

It's ninety in the shade at Christmas, the sun's a blazing 'phew',
So grab a tube of Foster's and a slice of cold kangaroo.
Bruce is waxing his surf board, and waxing his Shiela too,
It's a great Australian Christmas, ya-hoo.

Chorus.

It was a lovely sunny Christmas, we had a party on the beach,
Sang Australian carols, you should have heard us screech.
Our 'Silent Night' was a burst of light and the likes are heard only seldom,
Of 'Once In Royal Bruce's City', in a little town called Melbourne.

Chorus.

Bruce and Sheila disappeared round the far side of the truck,
They were gone for quite some time, we shouted, "Are you stuck?"
Then I had a bright idea, said, "I know what I'll do,
I'll play 'Oh Come All Ye Faithful' on Bruce's didgeridoo.

Chorus

As the afternoon wore on everyone got paralytic,
A drunken brawl developed from a friendly game of cricket.
Rolph Harris turned up finally to distract us from our combat,
By painting a lovely picture of Rudolf the Red Nosed Wombat.

Chorus.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Dec 18 - 07:14 PM

By god I believe the white haired guy at the end of the bar looks just like General Mattis.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: MMario
Date: 21 Dec 18 - 07:31 PM

Mad Dog! Heard you are retiring.....pull up a stool and have a drink or twenty. You've earned 'em!

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 21 Dec 18 - 08:44 PM

Just bcak frmo the reversoir: boy, am I squiffy, or do I mean squiddy? My entrails may be gushing in da morn!
Meanwhile the 40-piece ceilidh band has just struck up so let's all dance!

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: JennieG
Date: 22 Dec 18 - 02:59 AM

The wombat is stirring.

However, do take the lyrics with a grain of salt......we know of no one Down Under who actually drinks Fosters. It is worse than wombat piss.

Not that I can vouch for that by personal experience, just quoting what I have heard from beer drinkers of my acquaintance.

Bring any beverages that you wish to consume, but no Fosters - else you may find yourself auditioning for the position of tuner to the Empiratical Banjo Ensemble.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Senoufou
Date: 22 Dec 18 - 04:19 AM

Old lady rises up (a bit creakily) and begins the first of many demonstrations of The Floss. African man, slightly embarrassed, chats to MMario and pretends he's not with her.

The Prosecco reservoir is filled by a Prosecco waterfall. Very picturesque. One can stand underneath it, mouth agape, and let the wine pour in.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Dec 18 - 11:45 AM

Hmmmm, thinks the Gnome. Three pints of Turbots Really Odd, four cans of probably the best special brew in world and a bucket of Halfords best antifreeze. Maybe I had better slow down.

"Barman, bring me a coffee".

"Certainly sir. Would you like anything with that?"

"Well, maybe a large brandy to help it down. Oh, and no milk please. Just top it up with Tia Maria..."

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 22 Dec 18 - 12:08 PM

BTW. Did you know that Tia Maria was Spanish for Aunty Mary?


Hehehe.

Aunty Mary had a canary
Up the leg of her draws
When she farted, out it darted
To a round of applause.

Hic.

Another coffee please....

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Senoufou
Date: 22 Dec 18 - 01:30 PM

Pwaaaaahahahahaaaagh Dave!!!!

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 22 Dec 18 - 03:15 PM

Och, we a' ken that,Dave, but it still raises a laugh each time auld Auntie Mary farts: tae the tune o' The Cock O' the North, which the 40-pice ceilidh band are playing the noo!

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: keberoxu
Date: 22 Dec 18 - 03:44 PM

Lime Jello Marshmallow Cottage Cheese Surprise,
Truly a creation that description defies ...

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: JennieG
Date: 22 Dec 18 - 06:58 PM

Yes, I can see why!

The giant wombat sits up. "Waiter - a couple of maple whiskies please" it asks politely. The waiter obliges.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Rapparee
Date: 22 Dec 18 - 10:04 PM

Pulling out one of his six or eight brace of pistols, he squirts the barman. The barman responds with the soft drink/water squirter, and the squirt-fight is on!

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Senoufou
Date: 23 Dec 18 - 04:03 AM

Ooooooh, a SuperSoaker fight! Or as Tattie and I would say, "A squoosher fight!"
Now this sounds like fun!

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 23 Dec 18 - 10:28 AM

The Gnome, knowing that at least 2 of the squirters are loaded with spiced rum just grins and lies on the bar, mouth open.

Subject: RE: Mudcat Christmas Tavern 2018
From: Jos
Date: 23 Dec 18 - 12:20 PM

There is a roaring fire in the grate, I hope?
What with the prosecco waterfall and the squirters people could be collapsing with hypothermia if they can't get warm and dry again.