BS: Commitments...we all got'em

Subject: BS: Commitments...we all got'em
From: SamStone
Date: 29 Dec 18 - 05:10 PM

what do we do with all the hopes and dreams and plans and y'know when life comes to a screeching halt due to wife/husband/partner falling prey to an illness or injury or other debilitation or if we ourselves are victims to the above...so what do we do (a) cash in the chips and seek a caregiver and carry on as usual or (b) do we ourselves become the caregiver and become a 24/7 servant...for me this is gradual not immediate and i find myself shedding activities and staying close in case the bell tinkles...need some insight.

Subject: RE: BS: Commitments...we all got'em
From: Senoufou
Date: 29 Dec 18 - 06:59 PM

That's a difficult one Sam.
There might be a sort of compromise, whereby the fitter one of the pair cares for the less well partner, but with respite care available for short periods, either by visiting carers or short stays in a care home.

I know if, God forbid, my dear husband became poorly or chronically unwell, I'd want to care for him myself and would happily forego any other plans. But then, I might not be physically able to do that.

'In sickness and in health...'

Subject: RE: BS: Commitments...we all got'em
From: Rapparee
Date: 30 Dec 18 - 03:45 PM

My wife has now had cancer five times, five different types (pathologically). I've cared for her through four of them: skin, lumpectomy, two mastectomies. She's cared for me through two knee replacements, two bicep reattachments, and other things.

Yes, you do sometimes need a break and a friend or even a paid person can be of immense help. If you are in the US and have Medicare, there are provisions for temporary help. Many communities also have such services.

Good luck!

Subject: RE: BS: Commitments...we all got'em
From: SamStone
Date: 30 Dec 18 - 04:26 PM

thank you ...Mudcatters give the best advice.

Subject: RE: BS: Commitments...we all got'em
From: meself
Date: 30 Dec 18 - 06:12 PM

Well ... I've found that suddenly those "hopes and dreams and plans" don't seem so important. In fact, I've had times when I've wondered why I ever thought those hopes and dreams and plans deserved so much of my time and effort, when I could and should have been preparing for the inevitable misfortunes.

As for the matter of caregivers, etc. - doesn't that depend on your individual circumstances? Or am I misunderstanding the question?

Subject: RE: BS: Commitments...we all got'em
From: Senoufou
Date: 31 Dec 18 - 03:53 AM

I've found that one can have dreams of what one is going to do (travel, study courses, moving house, sport and so on) but that life may turn out to be more difficult than previously envisaged.

Health problems, accidents, family disasters, financial blows, anything might crop up and one's happy ideas fly out of the window.

A lady in our village was driving a horse and governess cart down the main street when the horse bolted, the chaise overturned, she was thrown out and the Air Ambulance had to be called.

She's now permanently paralysed from the waist down. She's home, but her elderly husband has had to have all sorts of equipment installed (hoists, wet room etc) and carers coming every day to bath and dress his wife.
But we all think they're slowly adapting to this restricted life. The lady ran the riding school in the village, and manages to keep track of its progress from her wheelchair. Visitors arrive often to cheer the couple, and they just 'keep a-troshing'.
Humans are quite adaptive and can adjust to all sorts of set-backs.
It can't be easy obviously, but it's amazing how things carry on somehow.

Subject: RE: BS: Commitments...we all got'em
From: Charmion
Date: 01 Jan 19 - 11:37 AM

As usual, Senoufou puts her finger squarely on the central issue: we can plan and hope all we like, but then shit happens. "No plan survives contact with the enemy," said my dear old sergeant. Or, as John Lennon put it, "Life is what happens while you were making other plans."

Subject: RE: BS: Commitments...we all got'em
From: Bat Goddess
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 03:02 PM

I saw Tom (Mudcat's Curmudgeon) through major heart surgery (valve replacement, etc.), vocal cord cancer (loss of his voice), and blindness (severe vascular disease...not enough blood to the eyes) which meant he couldn't drive or do a lot of things he had formerly been able to, all while I was working a full-time, high stress job. When he broke his ankle, I tried to continue to work full time until I noted that I could collect as much Social Security as I was earning at the job (but without the aggravation and stress), so I could devote all my time to caring for Tom.

I had hoped to hold out until I was at least 66, but I took SS at 63.

I took a caregiver's course, never got any respite time, did basically everything Tom couldn't do including taking him to medical appointments, tried to apply for some assistance through Medicaid but, after submitting an incredible amount of paperwork were denied because we were married (which they'd known from the first inquiring phone call -- plus copy of our marriage license in that stack of paperwork)... Oh, and continued the Press Room sessions which Tom had founded, getting him and his wheelchair into and out of a building that was decidedly NOT handicapped accessible, and running the session when he couldn't. But that was necessary to keeping my sanity and I don't know what I would have done without the music and friends and their support.

I really could have used some respite in the couple months before Tom died. I don't think I truly realized at the time how physically and emotionally drained I was -- I had absolutely no reserves left.

But this is what you do, put your own life on hold and push your own medical issues to the back burner, and take care of the love of your life.

I'm glad that Tom was comparatively healthy when I needed his care when I broke my arm twelve years ago. And so grateful that he hadn't yet lost his eyesight and could not only wait on me hand and foot, but drive me to medical appointments and rehab.

But that's LIFE. No matter how well you plan, Life has a mind of its own.

Linn

Subject: RE: BS: Commitments...we all got'em
From: Senoufou
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 03:37 PM

That must have been a real struggle Linn, and I offer you my sincere condolences on the loss of your husband. You did so well, and that's what love is all about isn't it?
You sound brave and strong, and I hope the years ahead are pleasant and peaceful for you.
Eliza