BS: First Joke Thread for 2019

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 22 Dec 19 - 06:41 PM

Steve Shaw.... Salisbury = Sarum. Shortened version of Hampshire=    ..... do you get it now.?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 22 Dec 19 - 09:09 AM

Donuel, you forgot he was Russian.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Manitas_at_home
Date: 22 Dec 19 - 01:43 AM

Steve, you have to think how Nick might sign himself in his official capacity.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 21 Dec 19 - 09:13 PM

I got it.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Dec 19 - 08:37 PM

I don't get it! And be careful now, as Bishop Nick of Salisbury happens to be a friend of ours...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 20 Dec 19 - 02:45 PM

Some Brits may understand this limerick.

There was a young vicar from Salisbury,
Whose manners were quite halisbury   scalisbury.
He would walk around Hampshire without any pampshire,
Until the Bishop insisted he walisbury.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Dec 19 - 08:48 PM

Thats the spirit.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Dec 19 - 08:40 PM

Heard on the radio this evening.

A bloke said, at this time of year, I always love to dress up as Brad Pitt's ex-wife.



'Tis the season to be Jolie...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Dec 19 - 02:53 PM

Bloke went into the chemist and asked the pharmacist if he had anything for hiccups.

The pharmacist pretended to hunt the shelves for a remedy, but then, suddenly and unexpectedly, struck the bloke on the back so violently that he almost fell over.

"Oi, what the hell was that for!" shouted the bloke.

"Well sorry about that," replied the pharmacist, "but at least you haven't got hiccups!"

"No, but my wife outside in the car has!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Nov 19 - 07:21 PM

Mommy how did Rudolf guide his sleigh through the storm?
"Rudolf the Red, knows rain, dear"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Nov 19 - 05:50 AM

There was a young girl from Australia
Who tattooed her arse with a dahlia
The tattoo was fine
And the colours divine
The aroma, alas, was a failure

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F
Date: 18 Nov 19 - 09:40 PM

Now everyone likes a butch guy.
That's a fact that we cannot deny.
    But between butch and bitch
    Is such a small switch --
Just the difference between U and I!

A young lady who lived near the Bosporus
Was seduced by a red-eyed rhinoceros.
    Said she, with a shriek,
    "His horn is unique
And leaves the men looking preposterous."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 18 Nov 19 - 10:05 AM

*Mine* was clean... Even though it rhymed Nantucket. Edward Gorey, anyone?

A young maid who was no good at tennis
At swimming was really a menace
She took pains to explain
"It depends how you train:
I was a streetwalker... in Venice.

Ayayayay
In China they do it for chili
So here comes another verse that's worse than the other verse
Now waltz me around again, Willy!

And now it's a music thread.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Nov 19 - 09:21 PM

Our new cinematic emporium
Is not just a super sensorium
But a highly effectual
Heterosexual
Mutual masturbatorium

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Nov 19 - 09:17 PM

There was a young lady called Dinah
With a music box in her vagina.
All the boys they had larks
To the sweet sound of Bach's
Toccata and Fugue in D minor.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Nov 19 - 09:02 PM

There was an old man of Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket
But his daughter, named Nan
Ran off with a man
And as for the bucket? Nantucket!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Nov 19 - 07:39 PM

Ignatious? Ignatius??

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Nov 19 - 07:38 PM

From deep in the crypt at St Giles
Came a scream that resounded for miles
Said the vicar good gracious
Did Father Ignatious
Forget that the bishop has piles?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: DMcG
Date: 17 Nov 19 - 06:21 PM

On a similar theme:

There was a young lady of Wantage
Of whom the town clerk took advantage
Said the borough surveyor
"Indeed you must pay 'er.
You've totally altered her frontage."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Nov 19 - 04:57 PM

One was SO brave. Reading specs, where art thou?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Nov 19 - 04:26 PM

good one

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Nov 19 - 01:29 PM

Nope. A joke thread is about levity, having a giggle. Your obsessive references to Trump are just heavy and tedious.

There was a young woman from Exeter
So fine that the lads craned their necks at 'er
And one was to brave
As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at 'er

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Nov 19 - 11:35 AM

There is room for your psychoanalysis here too. Since you associate the classical form and format of the english joke with your dearly departed father, who was quite good at it, you have a defensive and protective nature as to its purity. Of course Freud could be a fraud and I could be totally forever unfunny. I know your answer already.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Nov 19 - 04:30 PM

It's supposed to be a joke thread, Donuel. We all know how much Trump upsets you.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Nov 19 - 04:24 PM

What is the dyslexic version of:
'Our dear old Queen'?

A realistic dyslexic sentence:
Trump tweets confession in confusion of President

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Nov 19 - 03:28 PM

"Daddy, Daddy, when I grow up I want to be a politician!"

"Now don't be silly, my lad. You can't do both..."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 08 Nov 19 - 05:58 AM

I liked this one from FB;
I was so annoyed at newspapers calling Farage's leadership a cult that I've started a campaign to teach journalists to spell.
RtS

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 08 Nov 19 - 05:50 AM

"Amnesiac dyslexic "
Should read "Insomniac dyslexia' of course - a definite Freudian slip
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 06 Nov 19 - 07:33 PM

One of the only light moments in one of the finest films I have seen '(Sorry We Missed You)

"How about the Amnesiac dyslexic who lay awake all night wondering if there was a dog"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Nov 19 - 07:00 PM

Hear about the bloke who had five willies?


His underpants fit him like a glove...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Nov 19 - 06:43 PM

This is supposed to be a joke thread, Donuel.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Nov 19 - 06:00 PM

Republicans who USED to be against deficits, tariffs, brain drain and adultery all tested positive for Cult syndrome.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Nov 19 - 07:28 AM

A male and a female rabbit weer being chased by a pack of hounds
One turned to the other and said, "Shall we go on running or stop for a break and outnumber them?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 Oct 19 - 10:50 PM

Ok, so, this Quaker owned a cow, and she was (hear Doc's voice here) the meanest milk-cow that ever was. One morning she had done everything wrong, waited for the bucket to be full then kicked it over, and so on. The Quaker just looked at her and said, well, Bossie, I can't strike thee... But on the morrow I'll sell thee to a Baptist, and he'll beat the hell out of thee!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 30 Oct 19 - 03:36 PM

No - go on
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 Oct 19 - 02:38 PM

You guys know the Doc Watson one about the cow and the Quaker and the Baptist?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 30 Oct 19 - 05:49 AM

Joe McHugh story

There's a story of a Yank visiting a bar up the coast from here and getting shat on by a passing seagull while sitting outside having a drink
He went into the bar and asked the publican, the legendary Joe McHugh, for a piece of toilet paper
"I wouldn't bother too much about it" said Joe, "That feller will be over The Cliffs of Moher before you can wipe his arse"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 29 Oct 19 - 09:24 PM

Another Miner story about the Bevin Boys who were young non-miners recruited to work in the pit during the war as many skilled miners were abroad fighting (avoiding recruitment was often the reason why many volunteered)
Many were considered a liability because of their inexperience and tendency to dodge hard work

It was the custom that, if there was a fatality in the pit the pit-men would be given a day off in respect to the dead
One day, after a pitfall two Bevin boys who had been sent down to look for survivors came across two crushed miners
"How are we going to get them both up to the surface ?" asked the first one.
"I know", said the other, "let's take one up now and save the other for next week".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: MudGuard
Date: 29 Oct 19 - 05:31 PM

Thanks Raggytash!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Raggytash
Date: 29 Oct 19 - 05:00 PM

'Marra' is a Geordie (native of Newcastle) dialect word for friend.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: MudGuard
Date: 29 Oct 19 - 04:18 PM

speaking of typos: is "marra" another typo? Can't find the word in my
English->German dictionary ...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 29 Oct 19 - 04:17 AM

Shit - a miner - friggin typing
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 29 Oct 19 - 04:09 AM

One recorded by MacColl, Seeger and Parker from miners when they were making The Big Hewer - (most of the stories were about dying or being injures in the Pit)

A mainer who had become hunchbacked from working i n cramped spaces for many years was killed in a pitfall
All his mates went to his wake to pay tribute - he was laid out in his bed and, to give him dignity, he was held down with a strap so he lay straight
His mates stood around his corpse drinking and telling stories about what a fine worker and a great marra he was
As the room warmed up the body contracted, the straps broke and he sat up bolt uptight in the bed -
Everybody scrambled to get out of the room - his best mate who was last in the rush to get out of the door, caught his jacket pocket on the doorknob
He screamed out,"Let go of me, you humpy-backed bastard".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 Oct 19 - 11:41 PM

Doctor says, good news or bad news first? Patient says, good news. Doctor says, you have AIDS. Patient cries how can that be the good news? What's the bad news? Doctor says, you have Alzheimers. Patient says well... at least I don't have AIDS.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Oct 19 - 09:54 PM

Doc told the bloke, "I hate to tell you this, but you've only got ten to live..."

"Oh God! Only ten? Ten what, doc? Weeks, days, hours....?"

"...Stop bloody interrupting! Nine...eight...seven...six..."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Oct 19 - 09:44 PM

Bloke went to his doctor on Thursday to find out his test results. The doc told him "I have good news and bad news."

"Oh God! What's the good news, doc?"

“Well, you have 48 hours to live,”

"Omigod!!! Is that all? So what's the bad news, doc?"

"I should have told you this on Tuesday.”

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 28 Oct 19 - 07:58 AM

Another - from Bob Cann
Jim

A6
THE LION TAMER
Bob Cann South Tawton, Devon, England
There was this farmworker, you see, out on Dartmoor. He had seven kids, poor sod. Just down the road was another bloke; he had seven kids. The only difference between the two, the bloke down the road was on the dole, the social security, and he was picking up more money than this poor sod working on the farm.
So one day he thought to himself, "If I had the sack, I should be better off." So when he went to work Monday morning the farmer set him out in the field spreading heaps of dung and he went to sleep beside hayrick. This went on with three or four days, you see. So one afternoon the farmer thought he would go and see how he was getting on. When he gets out to the other one, a heap of dung had been spread and he found him asleep. So he kick him in the boots and woke him up and told him to come in and get his cards. So he went in and got his cards.
But the trouble was, you see, the next day he had to go to the labour exchange to sign on. And on the way in, he thought to himself, "Well, I must be clever here, because if I say I'm ... he'll sure to ask me what my occupation is, and if I say I'm a farmworker, there's plenty of farm work about and he'll put me on a farm again."
So off he goes into the office, the bloke behind the office, and he looks up and he says, "Good morning, what can I do for you?"
He says "I'm come in to sign on."
"Oh yes," the bloke said. "In case a job comes up for you, what's your occupation?"
"Oh," he said, "I'm a liontamer."
The bloke said, "What a coincidence," he said. "Yesterday the circus moved into town and the liontamer got mauled by a lion and he's in hospital. Here's your green card, and you go down and take the job."
Couldn't do nothing about it so away he goes down. When he gets there, there was the ringmaster outside the ... outside the cage, you see, and the old bloke was shaking like hell.
And he said, "Well," he said, "I don't think I shall be any good with this job because I can see they lions don't know me, they don't like me."
"Oh," he said, "you'll get used to it after a few mauls and scratches." "Well," he said, "you'll have to tell me what to do."
Well the old bloke said, the old ringmaster said, "That's easy," he said. "All you do," he says, "you put your hand down, catch hold of a lump of meat," he said, "and throw in over the cage." He said, "You slide open the cage door," he said, "and make sure to slide the cage door shut behind thee," he said, "and make sure never to take your eyes off a lion else he'll have ’ee."
"Oh Christ," he said. "I’ve got to do..."
"Oh yes," he said.
"Well," he said, "what do I do then?"
Well he said, "You creep over," he said, "grab the meat and pull it away from the lion."
"Christ," he said. "What the hell do I do then?"
"Well," he said, "you'll find the lion coming towards thee, very gently. Then he's a-just about to pounce at 'ee."
"Well," he said, "what the hell do I do then?"
"Well," he said, "you go backwards," he said, "and you'll finish with your back up against the cage," he said, "and just before the lion's going to jump, pounce at thee," he said, "you keep your eye on the lion," he said, "but put your hand down," he said, "pick up a lump of dung and throw it right in his face."
"Oh," he said, "oh," he said, "no, oh," he said, "that's all right," he said, "but suppose there ain't no dung down there?"
He said, "There will be."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 28 Oct 19 - 07:55 AM

Story recorded from a Lancashire man Jack Oakes by an old friend, Denis Turner, included on our cassette of traditional stories ... and That's my Story issued by Vaughn Williams Memorial Library
Jim Carroll

DICKIE BITHELL AND THE KICKING MATCH
Jack Oakes Bolton, Lancashire, England
Years ago there used to be kicking matches and they used stand up and put their 'ands on their shoulders, 'bout a yard apart, and they used kick at then-shins wi' clogs on. And, er .... owd Dickie Bithell was the champion of Wigan.
And this stranger came, came in this pub this 'ere day. So they had a game of dominoes and then they started talking about these kicking matches. So me dad says, "Well, owd Dickie Bithell's the champion of Lancashire." So this feller kept quiet. So me dad said again, "Owd Dickie Bithell's the champion of Lancashire."
So this feller's turned round to me dad, he says: "If you'll give me the first kickin', I'll have a go at owd Dickie."
Owd Dickie says, "Right, put your two pound down." So this stranger puts two pound down. So they go outside in a field and they stand up together and bate of one another's shoulders, arm's length. So this stranger takes the first kick -1 wish I could show you - and he kicks owd Dickie. Well owd Dickie goes rigid hisself to take the strain. So owd Dickie had his kick; so he kicks the stranger and the stranger did the same; take the strain.
So he carried on four or five times. So owd Dickie turned round to me dad, he said, "This stranger's no mug; he's a fair 'un."
"Go on, cany on Dickie", me dad said. So he carried on three or four more times.
Owd Dickie says, "I'm finished; he's too good. Give him the money." So me dad, looking at owd Dickie's legs, there were blood, snot and 'air hanging down his leg, he were in a bad way, you know.
So he says, "All right, give him the money."
So they said to t'other feller, "Let's have a look at your leg." When they looked at his leg, he'd a wooden leg. So they took the two pound off him and clear him out of pub.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Oct 19 - 07:34 AM

Bloke goes into the butchers. "A pound of sausages, please."

"Ahah, mate, you're way behind the times! Don't you know that it's kilos these days?"

"OK then, I'll have a pound of kilos, please."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 28 Oct 19 - 06:48 AM

A drummer walks into a shop and say's he wants to buy an adapted Martin guitar
"I would like the bridge raised and the frets dropped slightly and I would like the best quality Thomastic strings controlled by micro-tuners.....
The man behind the counter interrupts him saying, "This is a fish shop"

By the way - in response to a comment on my jokes on another thread
I only own to joke booms - the two volumes of Gershon Legman's 'Rationale of the Dirty Joke'
Volume one is too bland to bother about, volume two is too onscene to be given a public airing on a respectable forum such as this
Jim