BS: First Joke Thread for 2019

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: MudGuard
Date: 06 Feb 19 - 03:10 PM

Senoufou, shouldn't that - regarding moon's weak gravity - be

"Light food. No atmosphere."?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 06 Feb 19 - 03:38 PM

Haha MudGuard, that's true!

Mrrzy, that sounds like a Chinaman needing the dentist :)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: BobL
Date: 07 Feb 19 - 03:42 AM

I'm reminded that many years ago the Good Beer Guide reviewed some TV ads by brewers, one of which featured astronauts on the Moon. Their comment:
"It's bleak, it's barren and there's no atmosphere. Yes, it's a Watney's pub."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 07 Feb 19 - 04:04 AM

What's the best time to go to the dentist?
2:30.

A local dentist that put on a few ceilidhs told me when they installed a new alarm system the release code number was - you guessed it.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 Feb 19 - 06:38 AM

Ha ha! Ok, how do lawyers sleep? Well, first they lie on one side, then they lie on the other...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 08 Feb 19 - 05:32 AM

Batman and Robin left the Batcave for the Batgarage to go to the Batshops. The Batmobile wouldn't start, so Batman looked under the Bathood. "It's the battery, Robin" said Batman. "What's an Attery?" asked Robin.
RtS

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: MudGuard
Date: 08 Feb 19 - 01:25 PM

What's a "tery", Robin should have asked, as it wasn't the "batattery".

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 10 Feb 19 - 04:19 AM

if one cylinder went sick it would sound like a batattery!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 10 Feb 19 - 12:12 PM

Some recently deceased people were queuing at the gates of Heaven to get in. St Peter said to the first man "All you thought about in your time on Earth was money, money, money. Even your wife's name was Penny. I'm sorry, you can't come in. You'll have to go to the other place.

As the second man stepped forward, St Peter said "I'm afraid you succumbed to the demon drink. You were never sober. You even married a girl called Sherry. Go to Hell!"

A couple standing at the back of the queue overheard the conversations. The husband turned to his wife and said " Come on Fanny, we're not hanging round here to be insulted".

DC

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 10 Feb 19 - 04:41 PM

On the subject of dentists. I need to see mine this week... I hate seeing her... she always looks down in the mouth!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 11 Feb 19 - 06:57 AM

A young feller starts work on a sheep farm in the Outback - after the first few weeks be begins to feel the lack of female company
On enquiring he is told be his workmates, "There's always the sheep"
He protests, outraged and is told, "We all do it"
Eventually he comes around to the idea, climbs into the pen, selects a ewe and starts giving it the business
He looks up to see all his mates standing around the fence splitting the guts laughing.
"What are you laughing at - you said you all do it?"
"We do, but did you have to pick the ugliest one?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 12 Feb 19 - 08:37 AM

There is a version of that with camels, where he was supposed to ride it to town to the whorehouse...!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 12 Feb 19 - 08:55 AM

Gag recycled from sax player Alan Barnes:
If it wasn't for pickpockets I wouldn't have a sex life.
RtS

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 12 Feb 19 - 09:39 AM

"Camels"
During WW2 a Tommy was loaned a camel by an Arab driver to help him carry out his duties
He was unable to get the beast to move so he sought assiatance from his benefactor
He was told, "You get behind the beast with two stones in your hands - you'll find its balls protrude behind it so you take the stones and slap them together catching the balls between them"
The soldier winced and asked; "doesn't that hurt?"
"Not if you don't trap your fingers, it doesn't".
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: MudGuard
Date: 13 Feb 19 - 02:55 PM

A mathematician is offered a choice by a fairy:
he may either get a bacon-lettuce-tomato-sandwich, or everlasting happiness.

What does he choose?

Obviously, he takes the sandwich!


Why?










.



.



.




.




.




.





Because:

nothing is better than everlasting happiness,
and one BLT-Sandwich is better than nothing ...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 14 Feb 19 - 05:58 PM

Does a drive-in cinema have wall-to-wall car petting?

DC

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Feb 19 - 06:28 PM

The new local cinematorium
Is not only a super sensorium.
But a highly effectual,
Heterosexual,
Mutual masturbatorium.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F
Date: 15 Feb 19 - 05:52 PM

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing their, you don't appreciate the gravity of the situation.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 17 Feb 19 - 06:08 AM

A man comes home late one evening and says to his wife "Cancel the milk. I've just heard from some blokes in the pub that our milkman has a terrible reputation. When the men are out at work, he visits the houses on his round and plays fast and loose with their wives. Apparently, he's been boasting that he's had every woman in our street except one".

"Really?" said his wife. "I'll bet it's that stuck-up Mrs Jones from number 15".

DC

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Tradsinger
Date: 17 Feb 19 - 05:05 PM

Two vicars were talking. One says "I think all this premarital sex is disgusting. I never made love to my wife before we were married, did you?" The other vicar replies "I'm not sure. What was her name?"

Man walks into a bar - orders 3 pints and a double whisky and says to the barman "I shouldn't really be drinking all this with what I've got." The barman asks "Why, what have you got?" The man says "25p".

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 Feb 19 - 05:44 AM

Bought a brand new 50 inch television today. It was reduced to only £200 but the volume button won’t work and it’s stuck on high. At that price how could anyone turn it down.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 19 Feb 19 - 06:01 AM

A teacher in Liverpool once asked be as I was approaching school leaving age - "What do you want to bee or a wasp?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Feb 19 - 07:47 AM

I knew one teacher who, when telling a kid off, would roar in his face " Don't you DARE open your mouth when you're talking to ME, boy!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 19 Feb 19 - 09:20 AM

The teacher comes into class one morning to find someone has left a steaming turd in the middle of his desk
He demands to know who has left in there, nobody owns up
He threatens to keep the entire class in after school until somebody confess , still nobody confesses
At his wits end, he tells the class, "Right, what I'll do, I'll draw the blings, leave the room and stay out for five minutes and will forget all this happened if someone just removes it.
He turns to find another turd next to the turd and a message scrawled on the blackboard, "The phantom arsehole strikes again".   
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 22 Feb 19 - 08:55 AM

Movie critic: performances in this film were uniformly outstanding! I had to turn off the tube and cogitate.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Feb 19 - 08:04 PM

We were on the Big Dipper at Blackpool Pleasure Beach when my girlfriend broke up with me. I was devastated. It was an emotional roller coaster.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 01 Mar 19 - 03:15 AM

Septimus Glutinus Maximus (Gladiator) Strolls into a bar in downtown Herculaneum

"I'll have a Martinus, barman"

"Don't you mean a Martini?"

"If I'd wanted a double, I would have asked for one"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 02 Mar 19 - 02:30 AM

Yesterday on Radio 4 (Uniquely British railway references)

<TANNOY ECHO=ON>
the British Government apologise for the delay of a Brexshit decision, because of leavers on the line, there was a no points failure and it was the wrong kind of no
</TANNOY>

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Apr 19 - 12:40 PM

Mohammed bin Salman joined Trump and Kim Jung Un in a round of golf on a recent nuclear summit. Kim has many exotic animals in and around the golf course. Trump, having just taken a generous relief from a pile of animal crap, sees a llama and says "there'sa llama in th'lake Kim".
Salman says "peace be upon him" and Kim says "What Rake"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Apr 19 - 05:35 PM

I don't suppose you have any actual JOKES, Donuel...?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Apr 19 - 06:07 PM

Jokes I write my self are original, I know you like traditional.
Lay down your hate for the sake of a language that divides cultural and diverse genres of humor. Your case of egoitis is not getting better.

VP Pence is so homophobic he eats bananas from the middle.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Apr 19 - 06:24 PM

No hate, Donuel. When I click on a joke thread I sort of expect a laugh. You are obsessed with Trump et al and your "jokes" are the most unfunny confections ever. We live in a vale of tears, Donuel, and we need a laugh. Even a groan. We don't need you infesting joke threads with quasi-tragedy. Nighty night.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Apr 19 - 06:52 PM

Yes I am obcessed with the instigators and tools of genocide. It is a veil that can be pierced with effort. I am less obcessed than Bill Mahre.

When VP Pence sees a rainbow he yells be gone gay air!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Apr 19 - 07:44 PM

I don't care who you're obsessed with. It's a joke thread. So, within the spirit of the thing:

"I went to the doctors. He said ‘I’d like you to lie on the couch’. I said ‘What for?’ He said ‘I’d like to sweep the floor’."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 16 Apr 19 - 03:48 AM

You are obsessed with Trump et al and your "jokes" are the most unfunny confections ever.

As the originator of the thread, I wouldn't dare declare what is and isn't a joke. But just to highlight how personal humour is, I smiled at Donuel's quips. And not at the last post - recognisable as a joke, but far from ROTFLMAO it is predictable and predictable ain't funny**. Unless you are Gerrard Hoffnung.

**Any analysis of humour would end up referring to the way it sets up a conflict in your brain and the logic that makes it true and the logic that says it isn't, is pleasing. When you have already arrived at the two logics, there is no conflict, there is no pleasing. And logic pre-supposes a lifetime of personal experience/data/exposure.

Humour is never funny when you analyse it.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Apr 19 - 06:31 AM

Well that's all a bit convoluted. As far as I'm concerned, a joke should make me laugh, smile, smirk or groan. And if you find Donuel's "jokes" amusing, but not the Tommy Cooper one that I presented to you, then I can reach only one conclusion: you're a yank.

(Was that a joke...?)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Apr 19 - 09:12 AM

Thank you for coming Fire Chief Reynolds.
Thank you Rachel, Even the capitol Building of Maryland has a fire suppression system that protects the wood and gold gilded dome and building that would make any fire Lester Maddox than the Notre Dame fire. PVC tubes spreads water into areas that makes the possibility of fire Lester Maddox. An original lightning rod made by Benjamine Franlin also makes lighting fire propogation Lestor Maddox.

EXCUSE me Chief Reynolds but what does a historic racist bigot from Georgia have to do with Notre Dame or fire safety??

I don't know but even the White House has a fire suppresson system to make fires less dramatic.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Apr 19 - 09:31 AM

A combination of yank and UK style jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 16 Apr 19 - 10:51 AM

Liverpudlian's chat-up line - "Guess what I had in my hand when I woke up this morning?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Pappy Fiddle
Date: 16 Apr 19 - 05:51 PM

At an Irish wedding reception, the DJ called out, "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has always been there for them, listened to all their woes, made their life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Apr 19 - 05:53 PM

Now you're talking, chaps! :-)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Apr 19 - 08:16 PM

My wife didn't get my joke even after explanation.
Lester Maddox is too long dead and I am too old, but I still look as good as Dave Barry.
I will no longer put skits in the UK joke thread, besides you don't like yanks as it is.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Apr 19 - 09:07 PM

We love yanks. And we recognise that a very few of you are at last beginning to achieve "a sense of humour." It's been a struggle and we might have to give it another thousand years, but we Brits never give up...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Stanron
Date: 18 Apr 19 - 04:47 AM

Here's a good one. Mr Red starts a thread for jokes 2019 and one of the usual suspects starts an argument!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Apr 19 - 08:45 AM

Posting tedious non-jokes in a joke thread, thinking that they're jokes, is a brilliant way to start an argument. Think I'll toddle off and watch that Monty Python sketch in an argument clinic:

"Palin then enters Cleese's room, where Cleese immediately starts an argument, claiming that Palin has already been told that it is the right room. The argument is petty, and consists primarily of the two men contradicting each other. Eventually, Cleese rings a bell signifying the end of the argument, and after Palin pays for another five minutes, Cleese claims that he hasn't. Palin leaves in frustration."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Apr 19 - 08:48 AM

Anyway.

My wife complained that her feet hurt. I said: “You’ve got your shoes on the wrong feet.” She said: “But these are the only feet I’ve got.”

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Apr 19 - 07:53 PM

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Salford University UK.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Pete approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Pete worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face Pete and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Pete stood frozen, thinking he might be attacked. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Pete never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Pete was walking through a Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son David were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Pete, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at Pete.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Pete could not help thinking that this was the same elephant. He summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared at it in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Petes’ legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Apr 19 - 08:24 PM

:-)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 19 Apr 19 - 03:25 AM

there you go. saw it coming, didn't laugh.
Just shows you how personal humour is. And how finding things funny depends on not seeing the punchline before it is delivered.

Yes, Yes we can see how someone else finds things funny. Like slipping on a banana skin - depends on who sees it, or does it. Not all of the above laugh.


FWIW and it is curious rather than funny BUT: the banana skin joke is a Hollywood metaphore for Horse Shit, because in the early days of film Horses were THE mode of transport and they shit everywhere. And propriety demanded they found an analogue for something that everyday people would have had to avoid or slip upon.

AND dare we say - it is the way you tell 'em. Tommy Cooper told them, visually, he didn't write them down!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jos
Date: 19 Apr 19 - 08:02 AM

Whatever do they feed the horses on round your way, Mr Red, to make it slippery. Are you sure it wasn't cows causing the problem?