BS: First Joke Thread for 2019

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 16 Apr 19 - 03:48 AM

You are obsessed with Trump et al and your "jokes" are the most unfunny confections ever.

As the originator of the thread, I wouldn't dare declare what is and isn't a joke. But just to highlight how personal humour is, I smiled at Donuel's quips. And not at the last post - recognisable as a joke, but far from ROTFLMAO it is predictable and predictable ain't funny**. Unless you are Gerrard Hoffnung.

**Any analysis of humour would end up referring to the way it sets up a conflict in your brain and the logic that makes it true and the logic that says it isn't, is pleasing. When you have already arrived at the two logics, there is no conflict, there is no pleasing. And logic pre-supposes a lifetime of personal experience/data/exposure.

Humour is never funny when you analyse it.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Apr 19 - 07:44 PM

I don't care who you're obsessed with. It's a joke thread. So, within the spirit of the thing:

"I went to the doctors. He said ‘I’d like you to lie on the couch’. I said ‘What for?’ He said ‘I’d like to sweep the floor’."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Apr 19 - 06:52 PM

Yes I am obcessed with the instigators and tools of genocide. It is a veil that can be pierced with effort. I am less obcessed than Bill Mahre.

When VP Pence sees a rainbow he yells be gone gay air!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Apr 19 - 06:24 PM

No hate, Donuel. When I click on a joke thread I sort of expect a laugh. You are obsessed with Trump et al and your "jokes" are the most unfunny confections ever. We live in a vale of tears, Donuel, and we need a laugh. Even a groan. We don't need you infesting joke threads with quasi-tragedy. Nighty night.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Apr 19 - 06:07 PM

Jokes I write my self are original, I know you like traditional.
Lay down your hate for the sake of a language that divides cultural and diverse genres of humor. Your case of egoitis is not getting better.

VP Pence is so homophobic he eats bananas from the middle.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Apr 19 - 05:35 PM

I don't suppose you have any actual JOKES, Donuel...?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Apr 19 - 12:40 PM

Mohammed bin Salman joined Trump and Kim Jung Un in a round of golf on a recent nuclear summit. Kim has many exotic animals in and around the golf course. Trump, having just taken a generous relief from a pile of animal crap, sees a llama and says "there'sa llama in th'lake Kim".
Salman says "peace be upon him" and Kim says "What Rake"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 02 Mar 19 - 02:30 AM

Yesterday on Radio 4 (Uniquely British railway references)

<TANNOY ECHO=ON>
the British Government apologise for the delay of a Brexshit decision, because of leavers on the line, there was a no points failure and it was the wrong kind of no
</TANNOY>

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 01 Mar 19 - 03:15 AM

Septimus Glutinus Maximus (Gladiator) Strolls into a bar in downtown Herculaneum

"I'll have a Martinus, barman"

"Don't you mean a Martini?"

"If I'd wanted a double, I would have asked for one"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Feb 19 - 08:04 PM

We were on the Big Dipper at Blackpool Pleasure Beach when my girlfriend broke up with me. I was devastated. It was an emotional roller coaster.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 22 Feb 19 - 08:55 AM

Movie critic: performances in this film were uniformly outstanding! I had to turn off the tube and cogitate.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 19 Feb 19 - 09:20 AM

The teacher comes into class one morning to find someone has left a steaming turd in the middle of his desk
He demands to know who has left in there, nobody owns up
He threatens to keep the entire class in after school until somebody confess , still nobody confesses
At his wits end, he tells the class, "Right, what I'll do, I'll draw the blings, leave the room and stay out for five minutes and will forget all this happened if someone just removes it.
He turns to find another turd next to the turd and a message scrawled on the blackboard, "The phantom arsehole strikes again".   
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Feb 19 - 07:47 AM

I knew one teacher who, when telling a kid off, would roar in his face " Don't you DARE open your mouth when you're talking to ME, boy!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 19 Feb 19 - 06:01 AM

A teacher in Liverpool once asked be as I was approaching school leaving age - "What do you want to bee or a wasp?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 Feb 19 - 05:44 AM

Bought a brand new 50 inch television today. It was reduced to only £200 but the volume button won’t work and it’s stuck on high. At that price how could anyone turn it down.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Tradsinger
Date: 17 Feb 19 - 05:05 PM

Two vicars were talking. One says "I think all this premarital sex is disgusting. I never made love to my wife before we were married, did you?" The other vicar replies "I'm not sure. What was her name?"

Man walks into a bar - orders 3 pints and a double whisky and says to the barman "I shouldn't really be drinking all this with what I've got." The barman asks "Why, what have you got?" The man says "25p".

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 17 Feb 19 - 06:08 AM

A man comes home late one evening and says to his wife "Cancel the milk. I've just heard from some blokes in the pub that our milkman has a terrible reputation. When the men are out at work, he visits the houses on his round and plays fast and loose with their wives. Apparently, he's been boasting that he's had every woman in our street except one".

"Really?" said his wife. "I'll bet it's that stuck-up Mrs Jones from number 15".

DC

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F
Date: 15 Feb 19 - 05:52 PM

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing their, you don't appreciate the gravity of the situation.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 14 Feb 19 - 06:28 PM

The new local cinematorium
Is not only a super sensorium.
But a highly effectual,
Heterosexual,
Mutual masturbatorium.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 14 Feb 19 - 05:58 PM

Does a drive-in cinema have wall-to-wall car petting?

DC

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: MudGuard
Date: 13 Feb 19 - 02:55 PM

A mathematician is offered a choice by a fairy:
he may either get a bacon-lettuce-tomato-sandwich, or everlasting happiness.

What does he choose?

Obviously, he takes the sandwich!


Why?










.



.



.




.




.




.





Because:

nothing is better than everlasting happiness,
and one BLT-Sandwich is better than nothing ...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 12 Feb 19 - 09:39 AM

"Camels"
During WW2 a Tommy was loaned a camel by an Arab driver to help him carry out his duties
He was unable to get the beast to move so he sought assiatance from his benefactor
He was told, "You get behind the beast with two stones in your hands - you'll find its balls protrude behind it so you take the stones and slap them together catching the balls between them"
The soldier winced and asked; "doesn't that hurt?"
"Not if you don't trap your fingers, it doesn't".
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 12 Feb 19 - 08:55 AM

Gag recycled from sax player Alan Barnes:
If it wasn't for pickpockets I wouldn't have a sex life.
RtS

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 12 Feb 19 - 08:37 AM

There is a version of that with camels, where he was supposed to ride it to town to the whorehouse...!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 11 Feb 19 - 06:57 AM

A young feller starts work on a sheep farm in the Outback - after the first few weeks be begins to feel the lack of female company
On enquiring he is told be his workmates, "There's always the sheep"
He protests, outraged and is told, "We all do it"
Eventually he comes around to the idea, climbs into the pen, selects a ewe and starts giving it the business
He looks up to see all his mates standing around the fence splitting the guts laughing.
"What are you laughing at - you said you all do it?"
"We do, but did you have to pick the ugliest one?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 10 Feb 19 - 04:41 PM

On the subject of dentists. I need to see mine this week... I hate seeing her... she always looks down in the mouth!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 10 Feb 19 - 12:12 PM

Some recently deceased people were queuing at the gates of Heaven to get in. St Peter said to the first man "All you thought about in your time on Earth was money, money, money. Even your wife's name was Penny. I'm sorry, you can't come in. You'll have to go to the other place.

As the second man stepped forward, St Peter said "I'm afraid you succumbed to the demon drink. You were never sober. You even married a girl called Sherry. Go to Hell!"

A couple standing at the back of the queue overheard the conversations. The husband turned to his wife and said " Come on Fanny, we're not hanging round here to be insulted".

DC

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 10 Feb 19 - 04:19 AM

if one cylinder went sick it would sound like a batattery!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: MudGuard
Date: 08 Feb 19 - 01:25 PM

What's a "tery", Robin should have asked, as it wasn't the "batattery".

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 08 Feb 19 - 05:32 AM

Batman and Robin left the Batcave for the Batgarage to go to the Batshops. The Batmobile wouldn't start, so Batman looked under the Bathood. "It's the battery, Robin" said Batman. "What's an Attery?" asked Robin.
RtS

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 07 Feb 19 - 06:38 AM

Ha ha! Ok, how do lawyers sleep? Well, first they lie on one side, then they lie on the other...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 07 Feb 19 - 04:04 AM

What's the best time to go to the dentist?
2:30.

A local dentist that put on a few ceilidhs told me when they installed a new alarm system the release code number was - you guessed it.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: BobL
Date: 07 Feb 19 - 03:42 AM

I'm reminded that many years ago the Good Beer Guide reviewed some TV ads by brewers, one of which featured astronauts on the Moon. Their comment:
"It's bleak, it's barren and there's no atmosphere. Yes, it's a Watney's pub."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 06 Feb 19 - 03:38 PM

Haha MudGuard, that's true!

Mrrzy, that sounds like a Chinaman needing the dentist :)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: MudGuard
Date: 06 Feb 19 - 03:10 PM

Senoufou, shouldn't that - regarding moon's weak gravity - be

"Light food. No atmosphere."?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Feb 19 - 11:14 AM

While we are in the recycling bin...

What's the best time to go to the dentist?
2:30.

[Say it slowly...]

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 06 Feb 19 - 10:14 AM

(This is an old one)

Review of a restaurant on the moon:
'Great food. No atmosphere.'

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 06 Feb 19 - 10:01 AM

A warning to all in our area folks. Be careful about drink driving as police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many beers and then went on to wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit I decided to leave my car at the bar and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accident, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from !!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Feb 19 - 09:53 AM

Dry ice doesn't melt. Duh.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Feb 19 - 05:11 AM

If I melted dry ice in an empty pool could I go swimming without getting wet?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Michael
Date: 03 Feb 19 - 03:45 PM

"Saw the doctor this morning." "Oh, what did he say?" "Nothing he didn't see me, I was hiding."

Monty Python

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Feb 19 - 03:22 PM

Went to the doctor's this morning. What's up with me, doc? I asked. You've got hypochondria, he said. I'm not surprised, I said, I've had everything else...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 01 Feb 19 - 02:13 PM

Last year, I joined a support group for anti-social people. We haven’t met yet!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 01 Feb 19 - 03:39 AM

A mouse was crossing Lime Street in the days when it was at its height as Liverpool's red-light district.
As it crossed the tramlines it mis-timed it and its tail was cut off by the front wheels of a passing tram
It turned around to rescue the tail, thinking it could be sewn back on, when the back wheels cut it's head off cleanly
Moral of the story:
Never lose your head when you're looking for your tail in Lime Street
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Jan 19 - 11:22 AM

Hear about the chap with five willies?

His underpants fit him like a glove...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 31 Jan 19 - 03:48 AM

"The man looked at her and said, "Paint my house.""
A wealthy man came out of his front door to find the painter he had hired had painted his expensive classic car with weatherproof paint
He spun on him and snapped, I said paint the porch, you feckin' eejit"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F
Date: 30 Jan 19 - 06:08 PM

Patient: "My friends made this appointment. They said I need help because I like pancakes."
Psychiatrist: "Really! There's nothing wrong with liking pancakes. I like pancakes myself."
"Do you? You must come up to my apartment sometime. I have a whole trunk full."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Jan 19 - 03:43 PM

I asked some guys drinking beer why they like beer so much.
An English guy said because beer makes me a jolly good fellow.
The American said I like em when they are cold and tall.
A weaving guy said, cuz I'm good at it, thats all.
A Republican said, I like beer like my women, on the edge of unconsciousness.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 30 Jan 19 - 03:37 PM

A young woman, obviously a member of the of the oldest profession, took a seat on a stool beside a man at a bar, leaned over and whispered in his ear, "If you can say it in three words, I'll do it for a hundred dollars."

The man looked at her and said, "Paint my house."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 30 Jan 19 - 03:07 AM

Was going to put this up on 'A Cautionary Tale' but probably bad taste

Presidentof Ireland, Eamon DeValera was visiting a mental institution when he was intoduced to a timid-looking man sitting alone gazing out of the window
They became engaged in deep conversation and the man began to explain how it was all a dreadful mistake for him to be incarcerated in the institution as there was nothing wrong with his mental health
After half-an-hour he managed to persuade Dev of his case - the President promised solemnly that he would look into the matter as soon as possible
When he turned to go the man picked up his chair, smashed it over Dev's head and said, "Don't forget your promise now, will you?"
Jim Carroll