BS: First Joke Thread for 2019

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 30 Oct 19 - 03:36 PM

No - go on
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 Oct 19 - 10:50 PM

Ok, so, this Quaker owned a cow, and she was (hear Doc's voice here) the meanest milk-cow that ever was. One morning she had done everything wrong, waited for the bucket to be full then kicked it over, and so on. The Quaker just looked at her and said, well, Bossie, I can't strike thee... But on the morrow I'll sell thee to a Baptist, and he'll beat the hell out of thee!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Nov 19 - 07:28 AM

A male and a female rabbit weer being chased by a pack of hounds
One turned to the other and said, "Shall we go on running or stop for a break and outnumber them?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 03 Nov 19 - 06:00 PM

Republicans who USED to be against deficits, tariffs, brain drain and adultery all tested positive for Cult syndrome.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Nov 19 - 06:43 PM

This is supposed to be a joke thread, Donuel.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Nov 19 - 07:00 PM

Hear about the bloke who had five willies?


His underpants fit him like a glove...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 06 Nov 19 - 07:33 PM

One of the only light moments in one of the finest films I have seen '(Sorry We Missed You)

"How about the Amnesiac dyslexic who lay awake all night wondering if there was a dog"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 08 Nov 19 - 05:50 AM

"Amnesiac dyslexic "
Should read "Insomniac dyslexia' of course - a definite Freudian slip
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 08 Nov 19 - 05:58 AM

I liked this one from FB;
I was so annoyed at newspapers calling Farage's leadership a cult that I've started a campaign to teach journalists to spell.
RtS

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Nov 19 - 03:28 PM

"Daddy, Daddy, when I grow up I want to be a politician!"

"Now don't be silly, my lad. You can't do both..."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Nov 19 - 04:24 PM

What is the dyslexic version of:
'Our dear old Queen'?

A realistic dyslexic sentence:
Trump tweets confession in confusion of President

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Nov 19 - 04:30 PM

It's supposed to be a joke thread, Donuel. We all know how much Trump upsets you.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Nov 19 - 11:35 AM

There is room for your psychoanalysis here too. Since you associate the classical form and format of the english joke with your dearly departed father, who was quite good at it, you have a defensive and protective nature as to its purity. Of course Freud could be a fraud and I could be totally forever unfunny. I know your answer already.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Nov 19 - 01:29 PM

Nope. A joke thread is about levity, having a giggle. Your obsessive references to Trump are just heavy and tedious.

There was a young woman from Exeter
So fine that the lads craned their necks at 'er
And one was to brave
As to take out and wave
The distinguishing mark of his sex at 'er

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Nov 19 - 04:26 PM

good one

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Nov 19 - 04:57 PM

One was SO brave. Reading specs, where art thou?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: DMcG
Date: 17 Nov 19 - 06:21 PM

On a similar theme:

There was a young lady of Wantage
Of whom the town clerk took advantage
Said the borough surveyor
"Indeed you must pay 'er.
You've totally altered her frontage."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Nov 19 - 07:38 PM

From deep in the crypt at St Giles
Came a scream that resounded for miles
Said the vicar good gracious
Did Father Ignatious
Forget that the bishop has piles?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Nov 19 - 07:39 PM

Ignatious? Ignatius??

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Nov 19 - 09:02 PM

There was an old man of Nantucket
Who kept all his cash in a bucket
But his daughter, named Nan
Ran off with a man
And as for the bucket? Nantucket!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Nov 19 - 09:17 PM

There was a young lady called Dinah
With a music box in her vagina.
All the boys they had larks
To the sweet sound of Bach's
Toccata and Fugue in D minor.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Nov 19 - 09:21 PM

Our new cinematic emporium
Is not just a super sensorium
But a highly effectual
Heterosexual
Mutual masturbatorium

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 18 Nov 19 - 10:05 AM

*Mine* was clean... Even though it rhymed Nantucket. Edward Gorey, anyone?

A young maid who was no good at tennis
At swimming was really a menace
She took pains to explain
"It depends how you train:
I was a streetwalker... in Venice.

Ayayayay
In China they do it for chili
So here comes another verse that's worse than the other verse
Now waltz me around again, Willy!

And now it's a music thread.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F
Date: 18 Nov 19 - 09:40 PM

Now everyone likes a butch guy.
That's a fact that we cannot deny.
    But between butch and bitch
    Is such a small switch --
Just the difference between U and I!

A young lady who lived near the Bosporus
Was seduced by a red-eyed rhinoceros.
    Said she, with a shriek,
    "His horn is unique
And leaves the men looking preposterous."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Nov 19 - 05:50 AM

There was a young girl from Australia
Who tattooed her arse with a dahlia
The tattoo was fine
And the colours divine
The aroma, alas, was a failure

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Nov 19 - 07:21 PM

Mommy how did Rudolf guide his sleigh through the storm?
"Rudolf the Red, knows rain, dear"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Dec 19 - 02:53 PM

Bloke went into the chemist and asked the pharmacist if he had anything for hiccups.

The pharmacist pretended to hunt the shelves for a remedy, but then, suddenly and unexpectedly, struck the bloke on the back so violently that he almost fell over.

"Oi, what the hell was that for!" shouted the bloke.

"Well sorry about that," replied the pharmacist, "but at least you haven't got hiccups!"

"No, but my wife outside in the car has!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Dec 19 - 08:40 PM

Heard on the radio this evening.

A bloke said, at this time of year, I always love to dress up as Brad Pitt's ex-wife.



'Tis the season to be Jolie...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Dec 19 - 08:48 PM

Thats the spirit.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 20 Dec 19 - 02:45 PM

Some Brits may understand this limerick.

There was a young vicar from Salisbury,
Whose manners were quite halisbury   scalisbury.
He would walk around Hampshire without any pampshire,
Until the Bishop insisted he walisbury.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Dec 19 - 08:37 PM

I don't get it! And be careful now, as Bishop Nick of Salisbury happens to be a friend of ours...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 21 Dec 19 - 09:13 PM

I got it.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Manitas_at_home
Date: 22 Dec 19 - 01:43 AM

Steve, you have to think how Nick might sign himself in his official capacity.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 22 Dec 19 - 09:09 AM

Donuel, you forgot he was Russian.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 22 Dec 19 - 06:41 PM

Steve Shaw.... Salisbury = Sarum. Shortened version of Hampshire=    ..... do you get it now.?