BS: First Joke Thread for 2019

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 10:03 AM

Blimey, even though I thought that was funny I'm still in the wrong thread! :-)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 10:09 AM

Did I tell you the deja vu joke before?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 10:14 AM

Rudolph Popov, weather forecaster for State TV in communist USSR was always accurate with his wet weather forecasts. After all, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 11:06 AM

Same joke, different setting:

The famous Viking explorer, Erik the Red, had a cousin named Rudolf the Red. Rudolf often sailed on voyages with Erik, serving as lookout.

On a voyage carrying settlers from Norway to Greenland, a mass of thunderclouds built up on the horizon and it looked like the longship was going to sail directly into them unless they changed course. Erik was about to instruct the helmsman to steer to the south when Rudolf pulled Erik aside and told him not to worry, that the rain would fall a bit to the north of their present course. So, the ship maintained course and, sure enough, the storm moved to the north, leaving them totally unscathed.

After the seeming narrow escape, a female settler approached Erik and asked how he knew the storm would narrowly miss them. "Well," replied Erik, "it was actually my cousin Rudolf who made the call. I always take his advice in such matters because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 11:20 AM

"We are going into month two of the government shutdown. I miss the good old days when at least we were governed by a mad English king"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 11:27 AM

"Republicans don't want to keep the government shut down, they want to end this stalemate and get back to the important work of crippling the government, courts and FBI."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 01:14 PM

Why interrupt a perfectcly good joke thread, Donuel, with unfunny political comment?

DC

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: gillymor
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 01:39 PM

It got so cold in Maine last week that the nudist camp put out a sign, “We are open but we are clothed.”

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 02:03 PM

'My girlfriend's dog died, and to cheer her up I got her another, identical one. She was furious. She said, "What am I going to do with TWO dead dogs?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 04:22 PM

Old lady to her friend, "Relax Helen ol Dougie did not whistle at you,
he's wheezing."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 18 Jan 19 - 03:50 AM

Two old chaps on the tube.

"Is this Wembley?"
"No it's Thursday."
"So am I. Lets get off and have a drink."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: G-Force
Date: 18 Jan 19 - 01:53 PM

I like the advert for viagra: it might not make you James Bond, but it'll make you Roger Moore.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 19 Jan 19 - 12:41 PM

An in the UK you can get it over the counter now.




If you buy enough......

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 19 Jan 19 - 01:44 PM

A man walks into a bar and orders a pint of Guinness, takes a swig, spits it out and empties it on the floor and says "piss"- he then spins on his heel and storms out
The next night he does the same, orders a Guinness, takes a swig, spits, empties o the floor, says "piss" and storms out
The third night the same man walks into the same bar
The barman, spotting him, says "piss off"
"In that case pull me a pint of bitter"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 19 Jan 19 - 02:29 PM

A travelling circus moving around The West Country stopped in Exeter - they hadn't set up their equipment when the lion tamer fell ill and was rushed to hospital
In a panic, they advertised in the local shop windows for a replacement and shortly an out-of-work farm labourer applied for the job, explaining he had never done this work before
"No problem" says the boss, "we'll train you - it shouldn't take long"
They showed him how to use the whip and cape and taught him the commands, without the lion of course, till they finally decided he was ready
Nervously, the man prepared to go into the cage and timorously asked, "what if he doesn't obey and goes for me?"
"In that case" he is told, "you slowly back towards the gate, speaking calmly to him and, when you reach the gate you drop the whip and cape, point straight at him and command himn to stop - that should give you enough time to open the gate and escape"
"but what if he still keeps coming at me?"
"In that case, you reach behind you, pick up a lump of shit, and throw it at him, aiming straight between the eyes"
"But what if there's no shit?" he asks.
"Oh, there will be"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 19 Jan 19 - 02:29 PM

A travelling circus moving around The West Country stopped in Exeter - they hadn't set up their equipment when the lion tamer fell ill and was rushed to hospital
In a panic, they advertised in the local shop windows for a replacement and shortly an out-of-work farm labourer applied for the job, explaining he had never done this work before
"No problem" says the boss, "we'll train you - it shouldn't take long"
They showed him how to use the whip and cape and taught him the commands, without the lion of course, till they finally decided he was ready
Nervously, the man prepared to go into the cage and timorously asked, "what if he doesn't obey and goes for me?"
"In that case" he is told, "you slowly back towards the gate, speaking calmly to him and, when you reach the gate you drop the whip and cape, point straight at him and command himn to stop - that should give you enough time to open the gate and escape"
"but what if he still keeps coming at me?"
"In that case, you reach behind you, pick up a lump of shit, and throw it at him, aiming straight between the eyes"
"But what if there's no shit?" he asks.
"Oh, there will be"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 20 Jan 19 - 07:00 AM

On a similar theme   
A down at heel travelling circus had one big attractions – a magnificent Mountain Gorilla who roared, thumped its chest and swung about the cage with such power, energy and charisma that people came for miles to see it strut its stuff
One morning its owner went to feed the beast and he saw it hunched down in the corner of its cage on its haunches, looking very miserable and lifeless
They tried everything to revive it – nothing worked – so they finally called in the vet who, after careful examination, declared that it desperately needed companionship, preferably of the opposite sex
Way out in the sticks, they couldn’t imaging where they should get such a companion so finally, they visited a theatrical costumiers in the nearby town, acquired a Gorilla costume and advertised locally for a volunteer to put it on and climb into the cage with the suffering animal
Eventually someone applied, but demanded a very high fee and a guarantee that he wouldn’t be hurt
A fee was agreed and he was assured that skilled staff would be on hand with nets and poles, should anything go amiss
The man climbed into the cage and sat quietly in the centre – the gorilla edged over, sniffed, shambled around, prodded curiously and slipped its arm over the man’s shoulders
Eventually, it began to stroke and fondle the man passionately and it became very, very obvious that it wished to the relationship to the next stage
The man leap up and began to shout “Take it off, take it off”
The observers standing by rushed into the cage and began to force the animal into the corner
The man said, “No, no, I meant take off the suit; I want to kiss it”
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: HuwG
Date: 21 Jan 19 - 05:48 AM

Last Valentine's Day, I was driving home and suddenly remembered I hadn't bought my girlfriend any flowers. So I dived into the nearest garage, grabbed a bunch and tried to buy them. Arrgh! the card reader was out of order, and I had hardly any cash on me. I suggested to the assistant that I take the flowers, leaving my spare tyre as collateral, and sort matters out the next day.

It's been a Goodyear for the roses.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 21 Jan 19 - 08:31 AM

What's square and blue?
A banana in disguise.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Jan 19 - 01:01 PM

When I told my friends I was going to be a comedian, they all laughed at me …Well I am one!!! and they’re not laughing now!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 24 Jan 19 - 07:46 AM

A gambling addict who lost almost all his money on greyhounds decided to take his last few quid and lay them on one big race.
As he made his way to the booth he was accosted by a man who told him of this wonderful dog who was so fast it could out-run everything on the track - he qualified this by explaining one fault - it was used to a clockwise track and this was an anti-clockwise one, "but have no doubt it can overcome this, he's so fast"
Sure enough, the race started and at the first bend, where he was way out in front, the dog turned into the crowd rather than following the track, but immediately spun round and shortly overtook the other dogs - second bend the same, and the third.... right to the end of the race
At he finishing post the dog was a nose behind the winner due to his problem
The punter was in despair as he left the stadium and the tipster caught him up and apologised profusely.
"Not you fault", says the punter, "He's an amazing dog"
"That fault could be curd easily" he added," they could put a small piece of lead in his ear; that'd cure it"
"Wouldn't it fall out" says the tipster?
"Not if the put it in properly - they'd have to use a ****** gun"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Jan 19 - 09:07 AM

Senoufou, you reminded me of an old joke, what goes black&white, black&white, black&white, and then turns purple?

A nun falling down the stairs.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 25 Jan 19 - 08:58 AM

Hahahaaaaagh Mrrzy!! I like that one!

There's a funny cartoon in the paper this morning.
Some men on board a ship, wearing bandanas and big earrings. They're doing strenuous exercises.
The caption reads, "Pilates of Penzance" !

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jos
Date: 25 Jan 19 - 09:04 AM

I've got the Pilates pun and drawing on my Steve Drew calendar - I wonder if two people came up with the same idea, or someone was 'influenced'. (Unless, of course, your cartoon is by Steve Drew.)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 25 Jan 19 - 09:33 AM

I've just had a look Jos (It was the Daily Mail, but don't tell Steve Shaw, he'll be sick!) It says Odd Streak by Tony Lopes.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jos
Date: 25 Jan 19 - 11:05 AM

Apologies, Steve Drew's drawing is 'Pilates of the Caribbean' - maybe it's just a case of two minds thinking [almost] alike.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: DMcG
Date: 25 Jan 19 - 11:21 AM

Another non-joke but "things children say". We were taking my grandson out as said we were going to a park he had been to before. He said he hadn't because he was three.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 25 Jan 19 - 12:11 PM

Children's story

An extremely vexatious child refused to eat its meal, dismissing all the different dishes put before him
In despair, the mother finally demanded of the little horror, "Well, what DO you want ?"
"Worms" came the snapped reply.
His mother protested, but at last gave in, went into the garden and returned with a bowl-ful of worms which she carefully washed under the tap and finally set them before the fractious little brat,
He stared at them and demanded "Want them warmed up"
Reluctantly she obliged and placed them in warm water and gently heated them, finally placing them before him"
"Want some custard on them" he grunted; again she obliged and once more set the worms before him
"You taste them first", he demanded, the harassed mother protested that she would do no such thing until, once again, she finally gave in, screwed up her face, took a spoonful of worms and shoveled them down
The child let out a loud scream and burst into floods of tears.
At her wit's end, the poor mother demanded "I've given you everything you asked for, what's the matter now?"
"You've eaten the bit I wanted", the child howled in reply
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 26 Jan 19 - 02:56 PM

What is black&white & red all over and can't turn around in the elevator?

A nun with a spear through her head.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 26 Jan 19 - 03:15 PM

Another 'things children say' account by a real-life grandmother (letter in the paper):-

Granny had taken her little grandson out for tea and it was time to take him home. He didn't want to go home yet and kept trying to delay things.
They passed a building with a sign outside, and he piped up,
"Oh look Granny, ice creams! Can we stop there?"
"No dear, it's not an ice-cream shop, it's a care home for very old people."
"Well, we could go in and look at them couldn't we?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Jan 19 - 10:11 AM

I woke up in the hospital and police said they had investigated my incident. They thought the other driver had a speed reading related text accident.

I'm getting more into astronomy so I installed a sky light.
My upstairs neighbors were furious.

I got an answering machine so I programed it with a recording of a busy signal.

I lost a button hole?!

I parked my car in a tow away Zone at Twillight. When I came back the whole area was gone.

I have a switch that doesn't turn on lights or anything so I switch it back and forth to keep checking it. A woman from Sussex emailed me "cut it out!".

I've written several children's books but not on purpose. They were supposed to be Cosmology.

The FBI are investigating me because I emailed Roger Stone, Manifort and Robert Durst back in 2016. Now I'm the only one not in jail.

I saw a beautiful woman in Walmart so I chatted, "would you like to have a coffee with me". She said "I only go out with Jewish cowboys". I said its nice to meet you, my name is Bucky Goldstein.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 27 Jan 19 - 12:15 PM

I caught a bad case of HDADD. I don't pay attention but when I do the detail is amazing. I saw for the first time the Earth is bi-polar.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 Jan 19 - 01:28 PM

I've just got back from a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what: never again...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 28 Jan 19 - 12:04 PM

"I'm glad to hear it."
Shauden Freuda

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 29 Jan 19 - 07:02 AM

Visual joke
Just after WW2 a man walked into a pub like this (right hand pulled up into sleeve)
The barman said - "where did you get that ?"
"Dunkirk", came the reply
The barman pulled hi a free pint
Shortly after, a man walked in like this (left hand pulled into sleeve)
The barman asked him "Where did you get that"
"Anzio" came the reply
Another free pint
An hour late yet another man came in like this (both hands pulled into sleeves)
"Where did you get that?" asks the barman
"Burton's - it's ****** going back in the morning"   
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 30 Jan 19 - 03:07 AM

Was going to put this up on 'A Cautionary Tale' but probably bad taste

Presidentof Ireland, Eamon DeValera was visiting a mental institution when he was intoduced to a timid-looking man sitting alone gazing out of the window
They became engaged in deep conversation and the man began to explain how it was all a dreadful mistake for him to be incarcerated in the institution as there was nothing wrong with his mental health
After half-an-hour he managed to persuade Dev of his case - the President promised solemnly that he would look into the matter as soon as possible
When he turned to go the man picked up his chair, smashed it over Dev's head and said, "Don't forget your promise now, will you?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 30 Jan 19 - 03:37 PM

A young woman, obviously a member of the of the oldest profession, took a seat on a stool beside a man at a bar, leaned over and whispered in his ear, "If you can say it in three words, I'll do it for a hundred dollars."

The man looked at her and said, "Paint my house."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 30 Jan 19 - 03:43 PM

I asked some guys drinking beer why they like beer so much.
An English guy said because beer makes me a jolly good fellow.
The American said I like em when they are cold and tall.
A weaving guy said, cuz I'm good at it, thats all.
A Republican said, I like beer like my women, on the edge of unconsciousness.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F
Date: 30 Jan 19 - 06:08 PM

Patient: "My friends made this appointment. They said I need help because I like pancakes."
Psychiatrist: "Really! There's nothing wrong with liking pancakes. I like pancakes myself."
"Do you? You must come up to my apartment sometime. I have a whole trunk full."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 31 Jan 19 - 03:48 AM

"The man looked at her and said, "Paint my house.""
A wealthy man came out of his front door to find the painter he had hired had painted his expensive classic car with weatherproof paint
He spun on him and snapped, I said paint the porch, you feckin' eejit"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Jan 19 - 11:22 AM

Hear about the chap with five willies?

His underpants fit him like a glove...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 01 Feb 19 - 03:39 AM

A mouse was crossing Lime Street in the days when it was at its height as Liverpool's red-light district.
As it crossed the tramlines it mis-timed it and its tail was cut off by the front wheels of a passing tram
It turned around to rescue the tail, thinking it could be sewn back on, when the back wheels cut it's head off cleanly
Moral of the story:
Never lose your head when you're looking for your tail in Lime Street
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 01 Feb 19 - 02:13 PM

Last year, I joined a support group for anti-social people. We haven’t met yet!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Feb 19 - 03:22 PM

Went to the doctor's this morning. What's up with me, doc? I asked. You've got hypochondria, he said. I'm not surprised, I said, I've had everything else...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Michael
Date: 03 Feb 19 - 03:45 PM

"Saw the doctor this morning." "Oh, what did he say?" "Nothing he didn't see me, I was hiding."

Monty Python

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 06 Feb 19 - 05:11 AM

If I melted dry ice in an empty pool could I go swimming without getting wet?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Feb 19 - 09:53 AM

Dry ice doesn't melt. Duh.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 06 Feb 19 - 10:01 AM

A warning to all in our area folks. Be careful about drink driving as police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many beers and then went on to wine. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit I decided to leave my car at the bar and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accident, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from !!!!!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 06 Feb 19 - 10:14 AM

(This is an old one)

Review of a restaurant on the moon:
'Great food. No atmosphere.'

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 06 Feb 19 - 11:14 AM

While we are in the recycling bin...

What's the best time to go to the dentist?
2:30.

[Say it slowly...]