BS: First Joke Thread for 2019

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 31 Aug 19 - 12:24 PM

We live a few miles south of the Burren, in County Clare - this weekend sees the end of the annual Matchmaking Festival at Lisdoonvarna, where elderly farmers used to go to find young wives to be their housekeepers (among other things!)
This is one of the stories connected with the custom (also told in the Appalachians, by the way)

An old bachelor farmer working his farm in one of the most remote areas of the Burren, used to go regularly into Lisdoon to stock up on supplies when they ran out
One Saturday he set out into town on his donkey and cart to stock up for the Autumn, forgetting that the Matchmaking was still in fill spring
Down the long narrow rock road he went until he arrived in the town; he was a little puzzled to see the hundreds of people crowding the streets of the normally quiet towneen
He bought what he needed, carried them out and piled them high onto the back of the cart.
As the poor beast dragged the overloaded cart out of town, the farmer spotted a young one standing on the side of the street looking to be hired for the season - the farmer, remembering what time of year it was,strode over to her and made his bargain - the two walked back to the cart and he lifted up to sit on the pile of goods
They drove along the Ennistymon Road until they came to the farmer's turn-off and began to make their way up the steep, stony track - a half mile into the journey, the donkey stumbled - "That's one" said the farmer - the girl sat there bemused, but said nothing.
A mile further the poor beast stumbled again: "That's two" said the farmer - again, the woman, held her peace.
A mile further the animal stumbled a third time.
"That's three" said the farmer and walked around the back of the cart, scrabbled under the goods and pulled out a large, thick blackthorn stick; walking around to the front, he struck the donkey a mighty blow between the eyes, killing it stone dead
Well - your wan was horrified - she leapt down off the cart and screamed at the man: "Why did you do that - it wan't the poor creature's fault you overloaded the cart - what are we going to do now; we're nowhere near a house, it's getting cold and dark, its beginning to rain and I only have light shoes..... how are we going to get home?
The farmer looked at her coldly and said quietly - "That's one"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Aug 19 - 11:46 AM

From the Tim Vine radio show. If you have groans, prepare to shed them now:

Two tapeworms were chatting inside the intestine of a high-ranking army officer. One said to the other, "You look a bit miserable today. Everything okay?"

"Oh, it's nothing in particular," sighed the other, "just life in general..."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 31 Aug 19 - 11:36 AM

Apparently the man who invented predictive text has passed away. His funfair is on Monkey.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 31 Aug 19 - 10:47 AM

What's the difference between a Born-Again Christian and The Pope in the bath ?
One has hope in his soul, the other has soap.....
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 31 Aug 19 - 07:41 AM

A couple going home one night in a car after a dance stop in a country lane for a snog - one thing leads to 'the other', but she hesitates and tells him he'll "have to wear one"
"One what", he asks?
She explains what she means and he looks puzzled saying, "I've never heard of one of those - where can I get one ?"
"As it happens" she says, "I've got one in my handbag"
"What do I do with it" he asks ?
Sighing, she takes it out, holds up her thumb, rolls it into place and tells him "like that" - then she takes it off and hands it to him - "now you do it".
They get down to the business and, after a few minutes she says, "Are you sure you've got it on right - "I'm all wet".
"I think so", he says, holding up his thumb
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 31 Aug 19 - 06:50 AM

Man chatting up young woman who he's just met asks her, what's your name then? Carmen, she sez. That's a nice name, he sez. What does it mean? It means I like cars and I like men, sez she. So what's YOUR name then? Sez he, Beershag...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 01 Jul 19 - 12:47 PM

No kidology, InternationalJokeDay is trending on Twitter.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 27 Jun 19 - 07:03 AM

A First Nation man married a Chinese-American woman. They were nervous about a cross-cultural wedding but both sets of parents were supportive. The man's parents gave them a voucher for 2 weeks residency every year at the family holiday teepee on Lake Kitchikoomie and the wife's parents gave them a pair of Dogs of Fu. All went well and they were expecting their first child, a boy. The husband said he wanted a traditional name for the boy but nothing common like Crazy Horse or Running Bear and he didn't want to upset his wife's family. "I've got it" he said, "we'll call him "Two Dogs Fu." "Are you crazy?" his wife said...
(wait for it)

..."our surname is King"

(I'll get me coat)

RtS

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 20 Jun 19 - 10:04 AM

A clergyman was pleased to secure a post as vicar to an island parish. It was the ideal rural position, far from the violence and crime surrounding his previous inner-city church. He was a popular preacher and the church was always full, with people from all over the island attending.

One day, however, his faith was shaken when he found that his bike had gone missing from the vicarage garden. With no visitors to the island and the ferry not due until the weekend, it had to be one of the locals. What hypocrites, he thought to himself, sitting there all prim and proper on Sundays while doing the Devil's work during the week.

He decided that, on the coming Sunday, he would base his sermon on the ten commandments. When he got to "Thou shalt not steal", he would stare at each member of the congregation in turn, as if looking into their souls. Even if no-one owned up, he was confident that his bike would reappear in the vicarage garden, no questions asked.

All was going well until he reached "Thou shalt not commit adultery" when he remembered where he had left his bike.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Jun 19 - 11:23 AM

Thanks Steve Shaw....... Here's another for you to tell your mum.       A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read, "'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Jun 19 - 09:15 PM

Georgiansilver, that's a bloody cracker. I told it to my 90-year-old mum today and she laughed so much I thought I was going to have to call for a paramedic...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 16 Jun 19 - 01:36 PM

The dinner party was in full swing with both wine and conversation flowing freely when the dining room door opened and in walked the six year old daughter of the house. As she stood there in dripping wet pyjamas, she cast an accusing glance at the men around the table. She pointed at each in turn, saying:
    "Either YOU or YOU or YOU left the toilet seat up and I FELL IN!"

DC

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Jun 19 - 11:52 AM

A man rushed up to me in the street and cried "Quick! Quick! Have you seen a policeman around here?"

"No," I replied.

"Good!" he said, "Stick 'em up..."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 16 Jun 19 - 11:22 AM

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as the ball headed directly towards four men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one man and he clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed to the man, and apologised. ‘'Please let me help. I'm a Physiotherapist and I know I could Relieve your pain if you'll let me’' she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' he replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands at his groin. At her persistence, however, he agreed to let her help.
She moved his hands to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She provided tender and artful massage for several long minutes. ‘'How does that feel?’’ she asked. He replied: ‘'It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken’’.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 15 Jun 19 - 11:12 AM

Why is it hard to tell when a pterodactyl is using the loo?






Because the pee is silent.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 May 19 - 06:12 PM

I've said it before and I'll say it again.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

M. A. B. it's a big horse.

M. A. B. it's a big horse who?

M. A. B. it's a big horse I'm a Londoner...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 May 19 - 05:53 PM

Why did da Danes put bar codes on all deir ships? So dey could scan da navy in.

Remember the Interruption Cow knockknock joke? Interruption Giraffe works the same, but you stick your tongue out instead of mooing...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: WalkaboutsVerse
Date: 28 May 19 - 05:00 PM

2 golfers were in the middle of their round when an electric storm started. When 1 pulled out a 1-iron & held it up high, his partner asked "what on EARTH are you doing? There's lightening about!" To which he calmly replied "not even God can hit a 1-iron"; my song, from WalkaboutsVerse, "Lingolf"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 May 19 - 11:53 AM

Knock knock

Who's there?

Control freak - now you say "control freak who?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 May 19 - 10:34 AM

Now I must punish you.

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Smellmop.
(Then laugh if they give the expected response.)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 27 May 19 - 08:37 PM

What is ET short for?

Cos he's only got little legs...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 27 May 19 - 08:04 PM

What is ET short for?
Um, extraterrestrial?
Nah, it's so he can fit into his tiny little spaceship.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 03 May 19 - 10:45 AM

AaaaaaAaaaAaaaargh! (News of Chewy's death)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F
Date: 02 May 19 - 07:03 PM

Scarcely had the marriage been consummated, when the husband succumbed to jealousy. He fell into a troubled sleep, and dreamed that an angel had come down to relieve his anxiety. The angel gave him a ring, and told him that as long as he wore it, his wife was certain to be faithful. But as soon as he put the ring on, it began jerking violently as if trying to pull itself off. During the struggle, he heard his bride's voice yelling "Stop that!" and awoke to find his finger you must not imagine where.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 01 May 19 - 03:48 AM

At an army training camp, news comes through that the father of one of the recruits has passed away. The officer in charge, wishing to pass the buck, informs the sergeant major, saying "You're closer to the men Sergeant Major. Perhaps it would be better coming from you."

"Yes sir" replies the sergeant major with a smart salute.

He steps out onto the parade ground and bellows "TOMKIN, HERE! NOW!!". He dashes up and the sergeant major says "The CO says your father's dead. Carry on Tomkin".

"Sergeant Major" protests the officer. "That was a little, erm, insensitive".

Two weeks later news comes through that, sadly, Tomkin's mother has also passed away. The officer calls the sergeant major and says "This time, I want you to break the bad news more gently. Try to be - how shall I put it? - a little less direct".

"Very good sir" replies the sergeant major. "Right you lot! Get yourselves fell in - AT THE DOUBLE. Anyone with at least one parent living, fall out to the canteen. WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING TO, TOMKIN?"

DC

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 29 Apr 19 - 02:16 PM

I went to the house of some friends this afternoon. There was a note saying ‘’Out! please hide in garage’’. Was in there two hours and my friend came in . He said what on Earth are you doing in here? I said ‘’I read your note and hid in here’’. He said ‘’You fool, the note was for our delivery man’’.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 25 Apr 19 - 07:38 PM

Dad was putting his daughter to bed when, putting her hands together and closing her eyes, she said "God bless mummy; God bless daddy; God bless grandma; goodbye grandad". The next morning, grandad was about to tuck into a hearty breakfast when he clutched his chest and collapsed. He died before the ambulance arrived.

A few weeks later, the little girl was again saying her prayers when she said "God bless mummy; God bless daddy; goodbye grandma". The next morning, grandma was found dead in bed. Of course, it could have been just a coincidence - or was there something more to it? He decided to keep it to himself rather than upset his wife at what was already a stressful time.

Some months went by without event until one evening she said "God bless mummy; goodbye daddy". Much as he decided to dismiss it from his mind, he nevertheless decide to go into work by public transport rather than risk driving. At the office, he took the stairs rather than the lift. He passed on eating lunch and by the afternoon he couldn't concentrate on any of his work. The journey home was a torture and, by the time he arrived home, he was a bag of nerves. He closed the door behind him and saw his wife standing in the hallway.

"I've had a terrible day" he said, almost crying.

"You think you've had a terrible day?" she replied. "What about me? The milkman dropped dead on the step this morning".

DC

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 25 Apr 19 - 01:57 PM

During the occupation of France a Nazi officer swaggered into a Paris brothel, grabbed the most attractive woman and dragged her up to an upstairs room where the tore off her clothes, threw her on the bed and brutally ravished her
When he finished, he boasted lodly, "In nine months time you will give birth to a handsome blond child; you may call him Adolf - Heil Hitler"
She replied "In a few days time your willie will begin to itch, and will become covered with festering sores - You may call it a skin infection - Vive La France"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 24 Apr 19 - 07:45 PM

And he overdosed on Viagra just before he died so that he wouldn't roll over as they carried his coffin...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 24 Apr 19 - 06:15 PM

The man who invented the ‘Hokey Pokey’ died last week. Things went OK until they tried to put him in his coffin…. ‘’They put his left leg in’’

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Apr 19 - 04:51 AM

All this talk of horses pulling things....What is this? Some kind of a yoke thread...?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 22 Apr 19 - 03:54 AM

Whatever do they feed the horses on round your way, Mr Red, to make it slippery. Are you sure it wasn't cows causing the problem? in India maybe.

In Hollywood & the UK there were far less cows pulling toffs in hansom cabs AKAIK. And whatever you feed horses on, it just melts when it rains. And UK weather ................

There was a Victorian trade of "crossing sweeper" (& I presume Hollywood had reached the reached such sophistication if not yet the degredation) to clean the road in an informal "cross walk" for toffs and ladies in long skirts to cross in relative ease. A bit like squeegie bandits at junctions these days, they did it for the tips.

And we thought pollution was a recent phenomenon! Solved by the motor car! Begs the question, what downside will electric vehicles produce as they solve the current problemo? I predict it will be the re-cycling of batteries. But predicting the future is a joke. Not funny but .................

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 21 Apr 19 - 03:24 PM

I said 'I'm leaving you'!! ..........She asked 'Why'?........... I said because I'm homesick'.            She said 'But this is your home'.             I said 'I know and I'm sick of it'!!!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Apr 19 - 06:22 AM

I went to the zoo yesterday, but all it had was one little dog. It was a Shih tzu.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Neil D
Date: 21 Apr 19 - 12:13 AM

A priest and a nun are crossing the desert on a camel which proceeds to up and die. Sitting there next to the dead camel, out of water in the middle of the desert, the priest says "sister I believe were going to die. Before we do there's something I always wanted to try." He pulls out his penis and the nun, gasping , says "father, what is that?" The priest says "sister this is that which gives life". The nun thinks for a moment and asks "Why don't you stick it in that camel so we can get the hell out of here?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jos
Date: 19 Apr 19 - 08:02 AM

Whatever do they feed the horses on round your way, Mr Red, to make it slippery. Are you sure it wasn't cows causing the problem?

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 19 Apr 19 - 03:25 AM

there you go. saw it coming, didn't laugh.
Just shows you how personal humour is. And how finding things funny depends on not seeing the punchline before it is delivered.

Yes, Yes we can see how someone else finds things funny. Like slipping on a banana skin - depends on who sees it, or does it. Not all of the above laugh.


FWIW and it is curious rather than funny BUT: the banana skin joke is a Hollywood metaphore for Horse Shit, because in the early days of film Horses were THE mode of transport and they shit everywhere. And propriety demanded they found an analogue for something that everyday people would have had to avoid or slip upon.

AND dare we say - it is the way you tell 'em. Tommy Cooper told them, visually, he didn't write them down!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Apr 19 - 08:24 PM

:-)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 18 Apr 19 - 07:53 PM

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Salford University UK.
On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Pete approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Pete worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.
The elephant turned to face Pete and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Pete stood frozen, thinking he might be attacked. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Pete never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.
Twenty years later, Pete was walking through a Zoo with his teenage son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son David were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Pete, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at Pete.
Remembering the encounter in 1986, Pete could not help thinking that this was the same elephant. He summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared at it in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Petes’ legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.
Probably wasn't the same elephant.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Apr 19 - 08:48 AM

Anyway.

My wife complained that her feet hurt. I said: “You’ve got your shoes on the wrong feet.” She said: “But these are the only feet I’ve got.”

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Apr 19 - 08:45 AM

Posting tedious non-jokes in a joke thread, thinking that they're jokes, is a brilliant way to start an argument. Think I'll toddle off and watch that Monty Python sketch in an argument clinic:

"Palin then enters Cleese's room, where Cleese immediately starts an argument, claiming that Palin has already been told that it is the right room. The argument is petty, and consists primarily of the two men contradicting each other. Eventually, Cleese rings a bell signifying the end of the argument, and after Palin pays for another five minutes, Cleese claims that he hasn't. Palin leaves in frustration."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Stanron
Date: 18 Apr 19 - 04:47 AM

Here's a good one. Mr Red starts a thread for jokes 2019 and one of the usual suspects starts an argument!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Apr 19 - 09:07 PM

We love yanks. And we recognise that a very few of you are at last beginning to achieve "a sense of humour." It's been a struggle and we might have to give it another thousand years, but we Brits never give up...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Apr 19 - 08:16 PM

My wife didn't get my joke even after explanation.
Lester Maddox is too long dead and I am too old, but I still look as good as Dave Barry.
I will no longer put skits in the UK joke thread, besides you don't like yanks as it is.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Apr 19 - 05:53 PM

Now you're talking, chaps! :-)

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Pappy Fiddle
Date: 16 Apr 19 - 05:51 PM

At an Irish wedding reception, the DJ called out, "Would all the married men please stand next to the one person who has always been there for them, listened to all their woes, made their life worth living."

The bartender was almost crushed to death.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 16 Apr 19 - 10:51 AM

Liverpudlian's chat-up line - "Guess what I had in my hand when I woke up this morning?"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Apr 19 - 09:31 AM

A combination of yank and UK style jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Apr 19 - 09:12 AM

Thank you for coming Fire Chief Reynolds.
Thank you Rachel, Even the capitol Building of Maryland has a fire suppression system that protects the wood and gold gilded dome and building that would make any fire Lester Maddox than the Notre Dame fire. PVC tubes spreads water into areas that makes the possibility of fire Lester Maddox. An original lightning rod made by Benjamine Franlin also makes lighting fire propogation Lestor Maddox.

EXCUSE me Chief Reynolds but what does a historic racist bigot from Georgia have to do with Notre Dame or fire safety??

I don't know but even the White House has a fire suppresson system to make fires less dramatic.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Apr 19 - 06:31 AM

Well that's all a bit convoluted. As far as I'm concerned, a joke should make me laugh, smile, smirk or groan. And if you find Donuel's "jokes" amusing, but not the Tommy Cooper one that I presented to you, then I can reach only one conclusion: you're a yank.

(Was that a joke...?)