BS: First Joke Thread for 2019

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 06 Sep 19 - 06:46 PM

I saw six blokes wandering around a cemetery for four hours with a coffin on their shoulders. I thought to myself, these guys have really lost the plot...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 07 Sep 19 - 02:56 AM

This was told to me as a true story by my father, who was a navvy, very involved in getting the appalling conditions improved on the sites he worked on
When a site was set up, a large hole was dug somewhere, two oil drums were placed on each side and a plank laid across - then a wooden hut would be lowered over it - that constituted the site toilet
My father said he walked into one of these constructions to find one of his mates down in the pit, up to hi knees in the 'mixture' fishing around with his arm buried in it.
He asked, "What the **** are you doing in there Tommy?"
The man replied, "I came in here to do my business, I took my jacket off and hung it over the end of the plank and it fell in - I'm trying to find it".
"You can't wear your jacket after it's been in that stuff", said my dad.
"I know that Jimmy", came the reply, " but my sandwiches are in the pocket"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 08 Sep 19 - 11:29 AM

A young lad is the sole survivor of a shipwreck in the Pacific an is washed up on an idyllic desert island where he finds he is able to survive on fruit and some root vegetables and a spring of fresh water.
Being hardly more than a child, he gradually grows to maturity unrescued lacking only company
As he develops he begins to notice the thing hanging between his legs and begins to experiment to try to find out what it is for - he finds that, if he touches it, it stiffens, so he devises a game, using it to flick stones down the beach as far as he can manage - gradually he increases the distance considerably
One day he is so engrossed in practicing that he doesn't notice the beautiful young girl, another survivor of another shipwreck, satnding watching him curiously
"What are you doing?" she asks.
Getting over his fright, he explains.
"I'm sure we can find something far more interesting to do with that", she says, and, sitting down on the sand beside him she gently pushes him down and, after a little tutoring, they begin making mad, passionate lust.
After a long period, they both sit up gasping for breath.
"There, what did you think of that?" she demands.
"That was amazing," he replies, "but I suppose you know you've ruined my flicker"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F
Date: 08 Sep 19 - 09:05 PM

A farmer noticed that his cow had turned cross-eyed, and wondered if that meant anything bad. So he called in a veterinarian, who asked for a rubber hose. The farmer brought one, and the vet stuck one end up the cow's ass and blew hard on the other end. Sure enough, the cow's eyes straightened out. The farmer paid the vet and thanked him for showing the cure.
In a week or so, the cow was cross-eyed again. The farmer tried the same treatment, but it didn't work. So he called the vet again, repeated the treatment, and said "Show me what I did wrong". The vet took the hose out and put the other end up the cow's ass. "What good will that do?" "Did you expect me to use the end you had had in your mouth?"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 09 Sep 19 - 03:18 AM

A policeman walkig his beat comes across two men on the pavement - one lying face down with hi trousers around his ankles the other with his finger up his companion's arse
"What do ui think you're doing?", asks the Bobby
"My mate's had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him sick", came the reply
"You'll never make him sick by putting your finger up his arse" says the Booby
"I will when I put it in his mouth", came the reply

Similar situation - same Bobby
Same two men on the pavement, one flat on his back with his flies open, the other sucking and blowing his mates's penis
In reply to the Booby's question, the man says, "I'm giving him the kiss of life"
""You do that mouth-to-mouth" says the Bobby
"Have you smelt his breath?"
im Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 13 Sep 19 - 03:28 PM

In a small town in Northern Ireland, close to the border with the Republic, the local traffic policeman has managed to book every Catholic except one - the priest. But he has a plan.

The Catholic church is a the top of a steep hill and the priest's house is a the bottom. Half way up is a set of traffic lights. Each day, the priest struggles up the hill by bike. On the way home, however, he tucks his cassock up and rides down the hill at breakneck speed, peddling for all he's worth. One afternoon, the policeman opens up the control box and sets the traffic lights to manual. As he sees the priest hurtling down the hill, he flicks the lights to stop and gets ready to issue a ticket for running a red light. The priest slams on the brakes and puts both heels on the ground. He comes to a stop just half an inch from the stop line, smoke coming from the brake blocks, his shoes almost worn through. The policeman is amazed and, if truth be told, impressed.

"I don't know how you managed that" said the policeman.

"Ah, God was with me" replied the priest.

"Right, I've got you." said the policeman. "Two on a bike!".


DC

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 14 Sep 19 - 06:08 AM

Again - told as a true family story
When my dad ceased to become a navvy, our house was regularly visited by former workmates seeking his advice on how to improve site conditions
One day a couple of them working on the nearby East Lancashire Road called to ask if he could find them a venue for a meeting
As a devout excommunicated Catholic, he went to the local very approachable priest who gave him permission in the local hall, St Columbas - this was the time when bingo was becoming a popular fundraising event
He returned from the meeting and told the family, "They have a new game over there - the priest stand up and reads numbers and if the people have the same numbers on their cards they win a prize - the bugger reads the numbers out in Irish so the Protestants can't win"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 15 Sep 19 - 04:06 AM

Trump was attending a Royal dinner at Buck House when Madge lets off a skirt-lifter of a fart
A gentleman a few seats down the table stood up hurriedly, apologised profusely and quickly walked out of the room
Trump whispered (loudly) to his neighbour, "What's with him - she dropped it?"
He was told, "On occasions such as this, a gentleman always takes responsibility for such mishaps".
Five minutes later Madge drops another one.
Trump stands up and says, "It's OK ma-am - this one's on me"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 16 Sep 19 - 02:37 PM

Steve Shaw ... on the subject of hernia. A friend of mine had a calculator built into his truss so he could always count on his own support!

Subject: RE: Joe- bituary for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Sep 19 - 03:10 PM

Joe Bituary

At first I thought it was Rap.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 16 Sep 19 - 03:14 PM

When I moved to London, John Faulkner and Sandra Kerr took me under their wings and invited me to many of their out of town bookings
To keep ourselves awake we divide a word game by adapting titles of folk songs
For instance - Folk vegetables - The Dowie Dens of Marrow
Or, folk dishes - The Bonny Scouse of Airlie

Your starter for ten....

Back with more tomorrow

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Sep 19 - 03:51 PM

Another Joe Bituary

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 17 Sep 19 - 03:11 AM

More
Alan Tyne of Marrow
The Unquiet Gravy
The Grey Coc Au Vin
(Hang Down Your Head) Tandoori

Folk creatures
The False Kite on the Toad
Terrapin Hero
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Sep 19 - 04:45 AM

A small sample of altered names when we had a problem finding enough "English" material for a St George's Day gig, as nearly everything thing we did was Irish:

The Fields of Hythe and Rye

Follow Me Up to Harlow

The London Bury Air

I don't think too many people fell for it...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 17 Sep 19 - 08:49 AM

Peggy Seeger wrote a beautiful song about immigrants - "Hello Friend", the first line of which is;
"Hello Friend, I see you're a stranger"
In the hands of Northern Irelander, Dave Scott it became;
"Hello fiend, I see you're a strangler"

We never sang it to Peggy
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 23 Sep 19 - 11:00 AM

Hear about the woman who accidentally sat on some superglue?

Disarsed 'er...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 24 Sep 19 - 01:14 PM

May as well put this here too

A Sergeant major Major during National Service, reputed for his tactlessness was sent to inform one of his men that his mother had died
He assembled the men on the parade ground, lined them up and roarded - "Jenkins - your mother's dead"
The recruit collapsed with the shock
His superiors got to hear of it, called him in and reprimanded him severely
Not long afterwards he was given the task of informing one of the men that both of his parents had died in a car crash
He assembled the men on the parade ground, lined them up and roared:
"Every man with two parents still living take one step NOW - not so fast Harris"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 25 Sep 19 - 02:33 PM

A man is walking into a pub and has to pass a woman dressed in a Salvation Army uniform who is standing just outside the door.

"Give up the demon drink" she advises him, "It will lead you down the path to damnation".

Instead of ignoring her, he decides to confront her; "How can you say that if you never tried it? Come in with me and I'll buy you a drink. Then you can decide if you still think it's wrong."

"Oh, I couldn't possibly go into a public house" she replied.

"Alright then" he says, "I'll bring a drink out to you."

Realising that he had a valid argument, she reluctantly agrees but adds "As I'm wearing my uniform, do you think I could have it in a paper cup, please?"

He goes into the pub and straight up to the bar to order the drinks. "A pint of bitter please and, I know this might sound unusual, a gin and tonic in a paper cup."

The barman sighs and says "Is that bloody Salvationist outside again?"


DC

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 16 Oct 19 - 06:40 PM

What is sis boom bah?

its the sound exploding sheep make

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Oct 19 - 07:09 PM

It's supposed to be a joke thread, Donuel.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F
Date: 16 Oct 19 - 09:23 PM

"Waiter! Come here and taste this soup."
"Where's the spoon?"
"A-*ha*!"

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Oct 19 - 09:13 AM

Ooh I used to know an It's the sound of some animal exploding joke but it wasn't that. Maybe it was How do you make a cat go Woof? Gasoline and a match...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Oct 19 - 09:14 AM

Ah I still remember Johnny Carson* as Karnac who was asked what is
sis boom baaaa?


* Beloved American comedian of the Tonight Show and Gate Keeper of 2 generations of new comedians. Millions of Americans went to bed with Johnny every nite.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Oct 19 - 10:17 AM

Raw Raw Raw Boom D A

sounds like an exploding sushi bar

now back to our regularly scheduled Benny Hill English sterotyped humour and prat falls.   yakity Sax...
Stay tuned for Mr. Bean goes to India
and the world of cheese with John Cleese at midnight.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Oct 19 - 03:43 PM

Wait, Johnny Carson has to be explained? Sad.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F
Date: 19 Oct 19 - 08:54 PM

Mrrzy: If you had asked me who he was, I would have said, "I think he's somebody on television."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Oct 19 - 12:36 AM

Ah, Joe.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Oct 19 - 12:33 PM

A man went to see the doctor.

The doc said to him "You're going to have to stop masturbating."

"Good grief! Stop masturbating? But why, doc!"

"Because I'm TRYING to examine you..."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Oct 19 - 06:09 PM

An Englishman, Irishman, Scotsman and a young Welshman walk into a pub.
Where is everybody?
The bartender said all the old expats from Canada, India, Hong Kong and Gibralter all went to Tahiti hoping to get stuck there after the Brexit deal is final.

I thought they were still in France after the world cup.
Naw, said the bartender, that was just a bad joke. Brexit is real.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Oct 19 - 08:41 PM

It's supposed to be a joke thread, Donuel.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Oct 19 - 12:44 PM

Thats what english jokes look like from my POV
I'll take the ham on 5, hold the Mayo.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F
Date: 23 Oct 19 - 09:07 PM

He told the census taker that he was a Presbyterian and was married with five children, ages 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8. "You were having them pretty regularly for a while!" "Yes, sir. Then we found out what was causing it."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 24 Oct 19 - 03:18 AM

Told as a true story by my father, a navvy involved in trying to improve working conditions, particularly washing and toilet facilities, on the sites he worked on
In those days, toilets consisted of a large hole in the ground with an oil drum at either end and a plank stretched across to squat on - this contained in a removable hut to give privacy
When the hole was full, the hut was lifted and the home filled in - another was dug elsewhere

My father went into one of these one day to fin a workmate in the pit, sunk to his knees in "the stuff" with one arm submerged, fishing around in it
"What the **** are you doing in there Tommy?" he asked
"Well Jimmy", came the reply, "I came in here to make myself comfortable and was nearly finished when my jacket fell in - I'm trying to find it".
"You can't possibly wear it again after it's been in there", says my dad.
"I know that, but my sandwiches are in the pocket"

Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 25 Oct 19 - 10:29 AM

Two priests over-imbibing on the communion wine eventually got so drunk they began confiding their sins to each other and admitted they had both fathered illegitimate children
When they began to sober up they realised what they had done and began to panic
"I know", said the first, "you take my confession and I'll take yours, that way we'll both be of the hook"
They made their way to the confessional and Father Ted says to Father Donal, "You go first"
So Donal got in the box and began, "Bless me father for I have sinned...." and repeated what he had told his mate earlier
Father Ted absolved him from his wrongdoing with 'Three Our Fathers and Three Hail Marys'
Then Ted got in the box and did the same
When he'd finished, Father Donal let out a roar and said, "There's far too much of this sort of thing going on; this is the second one I've heard today - I'm going to report you to the Bishop"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 28 Oct 19 - 06:01 AM

A group is climbing in the Alps when one of them slips and falls down a deep crevasse. His teammates lower a rope down to him and tell him to grab hold of it.
"I can't" he shouts. "I've broken my arm".
"Well, use your other hand" the rescuers call back.
"I can't" he shouts back. "I've broken both of my arms".
"Can you wrap the rope round your legs?" they ask.
"No, I've broken both my legs".

After some discussion, they call down "you're going to have to grip the rope in your teeth". There then begins a long and painful haul to the top of the crevasse. As he's nearly reaching the top, one of the rescuers leans over the precipice and asks him "Are you managing OK?"

Back comes the reply "Yeaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh".

DC

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 28 Oct 19 - 06:48 AM

A drummer walks into a shop and say's he wants to buy an adapted Martin guitar
"I would like the bridge raised and the frets dropped slightly and I would like the best quality Thomastic strings controlled by micro-tuners.....
The man behind the counter interrupts him saying, "This is a fish shop"

By the way - in response to a comment on my jokes on another thread
I only own to joke booms - the two volumes of Gershon Legman's 'Rationale of the Dirty Joke'
Volume one is too bland to bother about, volume two is too onscene to be given a public airing on a respectable forum such as this
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Oct 19 - 07:34 AM

Bloke goes into the butchers. "A pound of sausages, please."

"Ahah, mate, you're way behind the times! Don't you know that it's kilos these days?"

"OK then, I'll have a pound of kilos, please."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 28 Oct 19 - 07:55 AM

Story recorded from a Lancashire man Jack Oakes by an old friend, Denis Turner, included on our cassette of traditional stories ... and That's my Story issued by Vaughn Williams Memorial Library
Jim Carroll

DICKIE BITHELL AND THE KICKING MATCH
Jack Oakes Bolton, Lancashire, England
Years ago there used to be kicking matches and they used stand up and put their 'ands on their shoulders, 'bout a yard apart, and they used kick at then-shins wi' clogs on. And, er .... owd Dickie Bithell was the champion of Wigan.
And this stranger came, came in this pub this 'ere day. So they had a game of dominoes and then they started talking about these kicking matches. So me dad says, "Well, owd Dickie Bithell's the champion of Lancashire." So this feller kept quiet. So me dad said again, "Owd Dickie Bithell's the champion of Lancashire."
So this feller's turned round to me dad, he says: "If you'll give me the first kickin', I'll have a go at owd Dickie."
Owd Dickie says, "Right, put your two pound down." So this stranger puts two pound down. So they go outside in a field and they stand up together and bate of one another's shoulders, arm's length. So this stranger takes the first kick -1 wish I could show you - and he kicks owd Dickie. Well owd Dickie goes rigid hisself to take the strain. So owd Dickie had his kick; so he kicks the stranger and the stranger did the same; take the strain.
So he carried on four or five times. So owd Dickie turned round to me dad, he said, "This stranger's no mug; he's a fair 'un."
"Go on, cany on Dickie", me dad said. So he carried on three or four more times.
Owd Dickie says, "I'm finished; he's too good. Give him the money." So me dad, looking at owd Dickie's legs, there were blood, snot and 'air hanging down his leg, he were in a bad way, you know.
So he says, "All right, give him the money."
So they said to t'other feller, "Let's have a look at your leg." When they looked at his leg, he'd a wooden leg. So they took the two pound off him and clear him out of pub.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 28 Oct 19 - 07:58 AM

Another - from Bob Cann
Jim

A6
THE LION TAMER
Bob Cann South Tawton, Devon, England
There was this farmworker, you see, out on Dartmoor. He had seven kids, poor sod. Just down the road was another bloke; he had seven kids. The only difference between the two, the bloke down the road was on the dole, the social security, and he was picking up more money than this poor sod working on the farm.
So one day he thought to himself, "If I had the sack, I should be better off." So when he went to work Monday morning the farmer set him out in the field spreading heaps of dung and he went to sleep beside hayrick. This went on with three or four days, you see. So one afternoon the farmer thought he would go and see how he was getting on. When he gets out to the other one, a heap of dung had been spread and he found him asleep. So he kick him in the boots and woke him up and told him to come in and get his cards. So he went in and got his cards.
But the trouble was, you see, the next day he had to go to the labour exchange to sign on. And on the way in, he thought to himself, "Well, I must be clever here, because if I say I'm ... he'll sure to ask me what my occupation is, and if I say I'm a farmworker, there's plenty of farm work about and he'll put me on a farm again."
So off he goes into the office, the bloke behind the office, and he looks up and he says, "Good morning, what can I do for you?"
He says "I'm come in to sign on."
"Oh yes," the bloke said. "In case a job comes up for you, what's your occupation?"
"Oh," he said, "I'm a liontamer."
The bloke said, "What a coincidence," he said. "Yesterday the circus moved into town and the liontamer got mauled by a lion and he's in hospital. Here's your green card, and you go down and take the job."
Couldn't do nothing about it so away he goes down. When he gets there, there was the ringmaster outside the ... outside the cage, you see, and the old bloke was shaking like hell.
And he said, "Well," he said, "I don't think I shall be any good with this job because I can see they lions don't know me, they don't like me."
"Oh," he said, "you'll get used to it after a few mauls and scratches." "Well," he said, "you'll have to tell me what to do."
Well the old bloke said, the old ringmaster said, "That's easy," he said. "All you do," he says, "you put your hand down, catch hold of a lump of meat," he said, "and throw in over the cage." He said, "You slide open the cage door," he said, "and make sure to slide the cage door shut behind thee," he said, "and make sure never to take your eyes off a lion else he'll have ’ee."
"Oh Christ," he said. "I’ve got to do..."
"Oh yes," he said.
"Well," he said, "what do I do then?"
Well he said, "You creep over," he said, "grab the meat and pull it away from the lion."
"Christ," he said. "What the hell do I do then?"
"Well," he said, "you'll find the lion coming towards thee, very gently. Then he's a-just about to pounce at 'ee."
"Well," he said, "what the hell do I do then?"
"Well," he said, "you go backwards," he said, "and you'll finish with your back up against the cage," he said, "and just before the lion's going to jump, pounce at thee," he said, "you keep your eye on the lion," he said, "but put your hand down," he said, "pick up a lump of dung and throw it right in his face."
"Oh," he said, "oh," he said, "no, oh," he said, "that's all right," he said, "but suppose there ain't no dung down there?"
He said, "There will be."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Oct 19 - 09:44 PM

Bloke went to his doctor on Thursday to find out his test results. The doc told him "I have good news and bad news."

"Oh God! What's the good news, doc?"

“Well, you have 48 hours to live,”

"Omigod!!! Is that all? So what's the bad news, doc?"

"I should have told you this on Tuesday.”

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 28 Oct 19 - 09:54 PM

Doc told the bloke, "I hate to tell you this, but you've only got ten to live..."

"Oh God! Only ten? Ten what, doc? Weeks, days, hours....?"

"...Stop bloody interrupting! Nine...eight...seven...six..."

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 28 Oct 19 - 11:41 PM

Doctor says, good news or bad news first? Patient says, good news. Doctor says, you have AIDS. Patient cries how can that be the good news? What's the bad news? Doctor says, you have Alzheimers. Patient says well... at least I don't have AIDS.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 29 Oct 19 - 04:09 AM

One recorded by MacColl, Seeger and Parker from miners when they were making The Big Hewer - (most of the stories were about dying or being injures in the Pit)

A mainer who had become hunchbacked from working i n cramped spaces for many years was killed in a pitfall
All his mates went to his wake to pay tribute - he was laid out in his bed and, to give him dignity, he was held down with a strap so he lay straight
His mates stood around his corpse drinking and telling stories about what a fine worker and a great marra he was
As the room warmed up the body contracted, the straps broke and he sat up bolt uptight in the bed -
Everybody scrambled to get out of the room - his best mate who was last in the rush to get out of the door, caught his jacket pocket on the doorknob
He screamed out,"Let go of me, you humpy-backed bastard".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 29 Oct 19 - 04:17 AM

Shit - a miner - friggin typing
Jim

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: MudGuard
Date: 29 Oct 19 - 04:18 PM

speaking of typos: is "marra" another typo? Can't find the word in my
English->German dictionary ...

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Raggytash
Date: 29 Oct 19 - 05:00 PM

'Marra' is a Geordie (native of Newcastle) dialect word for friend.

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: MudGuard
Date: 29 Oct 19 - 05:31 PM

Thanks Raggytash!

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 29 Oct 19 - 09:24 PM

Another Miner story about the Bevin Boys who were young non-miners recruited to work in the pit during the war as many skilled miners were abroad fighting (avoiding recruitment was often the reason why many volunteered)
Many were considered a liability because of their inexperience and tendency to dodge hard work

It was the custom that, if there was a fatality in the pit the pit-men would be given a day off in respect to the dead
One day, after a pitfall two Bevin boys who had been sent down to look for survivors came across two crushed miners
"How are we going to get them both up to the surface ?" asked the first one.
"I know", said the other, "let's take one up now and save the other for next week".
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 30 Oct 19 - 05:49 AM

Joe McHugh story

There's a story of a Yank visiting a bar up the coast from here and getting shat on by a passing seagull while sitting outside having a drink
He went into the bar and asked the publican, the legendary Joe McHugh, for a piece of toilet paper
"I wouldn't bother too much about it" said Joe, "That feller will be over The Cliffs of Moher before you can wipe his arse"
Jim Carroll

Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mrrzy
Date: 30 Oct 19 - 02:38 PM

You guys know the Doc Watson one about the cow and the Quaker and the Baptist?