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BS: First Joke Thread for 2019

Mr Red 31 Dec 18 - 05:04 AM
Jim Carroll 31 Dec 18 - 05:17 AM
Andrez 31 Dec 18 - 11:59 PM
Mr Red 01 Jan 19 - 03:50 AM
Senoufou 01 Jan 19 - 04:30 AM
Senoufou 01 Jan 19 - 04:38 AM
Mr Red 01 Jan 19 - 06:05 PM
Jim Carroll 02 Jan 19 - 04:02 AM
Mr Red 02 Jan 19 - 04:09 AM
Jim Carroll 02 Jan 19 - 04:41 AM
Senoufou 02 Jan 19 - 05:22 AM
Jim Carroll 02 Jan 19 - 06:05 AM
Senoufou 02 Jan 19 - 06:25 AM
Jos 02 Jan 19 - 06:25 AM
Dave the Gnome 02 Jan 19 - 06:58 AM
Jim Carroll 02 Jan 19 - 07:05 AM
Jim Carroll 02 Jan 19 - 07:12 AM
Senoufou 02 Jan 19 - 08:04 AM
Dave the Gnome 02 Jan 19 - 09:12 AM
Senoufou 02 Jan 19 - 09:22 AM
Jim Carroll 02 Jan 19 - 10:04 AM
Senoufou 02 Jan 19 - 10:19 AM
Jim Carroll 02 Jan 19 - 11:18 AM
Steve Shaw 02 Jan 19 - 01:30 PM
Mr Red 02 Jan 19 - 03:17 PM
Senoufou 02 Jan 19 - 03:32 PM
Joe_F 02 Jan 19 - 10:46 PM
Senoufou 03 Jan 19 - 03:47 AM
Jim Carroll 03 Jan 19 - 08:34 AM
Senoufou 03 Jan 19 - 08:55 AM
Senoufou 03 Jan 19 - 09:01 AM
Jim Carroll 03 Jan 19 - 10:02 AM
Senoufou 03 Jan 19 - 10:23 AM
Jim Carroll 03 Jan 19 - 10:40 AM
Steve Shaw 03 Jan 19 - 07:44 PM
Jim Carroll 04 Jan 19 - 04:38 AM
Donuel 04 Jan 19 - 11:37 AM
Doug Chadwick 05 Jan 19 - 05:42 AM
Steve Shaw 07 Jan 19 - 07:58 PM
Senoufou 08 Jan 19 - 05:53 PM
Tattie Bogle 08 Jan 19 - 07:47 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 09 Jan 19 - 07:12 PM
Doug Chadwick 10 Jan 19 - 06:08 PM
Steve Shaw 10 Jan 19 - 06:33 PM
Senoufou 10 Jan 19 - 06:38 PM
Senoufou 15 Jan 19 - 09:53 AM
Georgiansilver 15 Jan 19 - 02:09 PM
Steve Shaw 15 Jan 19 - 07:45 PM
Bee-dubya-ell 16 Jan 19 - 06:25 PM
Steve Shaw 17 Jan 19 - 10:01 AM
Steve Shaw 17 Jan 19 - 10:03 AM
Dave the Gnome 17 Jan 19 - 10:09 AM
Dave the Gnome 17 Jan 19 - 10:14 AM
Bee-dubya-ell 17 Jan 19 - 11:06 AM
Donuel 17 Jan 19 - 11:20 AM
Donuel 17 Jan 19 - 11:27 AM
Doug Chadwick 17 Jan 19 - 01:14 PM
gillymor 17 Jan 19 - 01:39 PM
Senoufou 17 Jan 19 - 02:03 PM
Donuel 17 Jan 19 - 04:22 PM
Dave the Gnome 18 Jan 19 - 03:50 AM
G-Force 18 Jan 19 - 01:53 PM
Mr Red 19 Jan 19 - 12:41 PM
Jim Carroll 19 Jan 19 - 01:44 PM

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Subject: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 31 Dec 18 - 05:04 AM

April 1st


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 31 Dec 18 - 05:17 AM

Two miners getting on in years made a life-long habit of going for a drink together every Sunday morning.
One Sunday one knocked on his mate's door to accompany him down to the local
"Is Fred ready yet?" he asked when his mate's wife came to the door
I'm afraid I have some bad news", she replied, "He was in the garden last night pulling a head of cabbage for today's dinner when he had a heart attack and died"
"Jaysus missus Jones, that's awful, what will you do now ?"
"I'll have to open a tin of peas, I suppose"
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Andrez
Date: 31 Dec 18 - 11:59 PM

One of the winners in a Cliché Competition seen in the the Daily Telegraph of London some years ago was:

"I hear what you're saying but, with all due respect, it's not exactly rocket science. Basically, at the end of the day, the fact of the matter is you have got to be able to tick all the boxes. It's not the end of the world as such but, to be perfectly honest with you, when push comes to shove, you don't want to be literally stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Going forward we all need to be on the same page and singing from the same song-sheet even if we can't see the wood from the trees. Naturally hindsight is 20/20 vision and you have to take the rough with the smooth before proceeding onwards and upwards. The bottom line is you wear your heart on your sleeve and, when all is said and done, this is all part and parcel of the ongoing bigger picture. C'est la vie (if you know what I mean)".


Sounds a bit like all the Brexit hoo haa and palaver we hear coming from Pollies in the media these days!

Cheers,

Andrez


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 01 Jan 19 - 03:50 AM

What is made of brass & sounds like Tom Jones?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 01 Jan 19 - 04:30 AM

"Look, my name is Joseph of Nazareth. You've given me a box with some straw in it. I asked to speak to the MANAGER!"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 01 Jan 19 - 04:38 AM

"Yes, it's a Yuletide log. I'll flush the toilet again in a minute."

Well, I've plucked the duck and covered it in grease. But now we need to leave the park."

(I get these from Mock The Week, which always has me in stitches)


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 01 Jan 19 - 06:05 PM

the Catalan version of the Yule log is "caga Tio"
A log with a face at one end, and presents inside. Kids have to beat it with sticks while singing a special song.

Literal translation is "shit log". I had to ask when I was there - didn't I?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 04:02 AM

"What is made of brass & sounds like Tom Jones?"
What.... driving me mad ?

What's brown and sounds like a bell
DUNG
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 04:09 AM

TROMBONES


Wha, Wha, Wha, Whaaaaaaaaaaaa.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 04:41 AM

That's a relief - thanks

A climber in the Swiss alps is hastily making his way down the foothills before the winter sets in when he falls and breaks his ankle and is rescued by a mountain shepherd
As it's too far from civilisation to get help, the shepherd takes him home, where he and his wife and daughter dress his ankle, feed him and give him a bed or the winter
Not having a radio or TV, they sing songs, tell stories, play games and keep him entertained throughout the winter until the snows begin to melt the following spring; they make a special effort to teach him their local tradition of yodeling

Come the spring, the farmer goes out daily to see how far he can get down he mountain while the climber and the wife and daughter wait at home for the news - the ankle is all but healed by this time
One day the farmer returns to find the climber in bed with his daughter
The climber flees, pulling up his trousers and the farmer begins to chase him down the mountainside shouting: "I took you in, healed you, fed you, gave you a bed and entertained you right through the winter - I even taught you how to yodel - and how do you repay me - you seduce my young daughter".
"And your old lay-ee-dee" sang back the climber
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 05:22 AM

Hahahahaaaaaaaaagh!!!! These are making me die!!!!! :)

Oh please do some more you lot!!!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 06:05 AM

Hi Sen' Happy New YEAR

"the Catalan version of the Yule log is "caga Tio""
THIS ALWAY MAKES ME SMILE THIS TIME OF YEAR
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 06:25 AM

Happy New Year to you too Jim!
I've been to Barcelona quite a lot (years ago) and always giggled at the caganer.
I want that Trump one!!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jos
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 06:25 AM

They're not very good likenesses, are they?
The only one I recognised immediately was the Star Wars storm trooper (and I've never seen Star Wars; until recently I thought a light sabre was a 'light saver' - very ecological).


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 06:58 AM

I went to the doctors the other day and told him I could not stop singing "The green, green grass of home"

He said I had Tom Jones syndrome.

I asked if that was rare.

He replied "It's not unusual"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 07:05 AM

Not moving too far from this fundamental theme:
I discovered a new word from my local newsagent a couple of weeks ago
He is a native of Kilkee, a resort on the southern coast of this county, Clare, which was once the Summer watering-hole of the English landowners and rich farmers
Down there, they refer to tourists as 'Rookahs' - ,Rua' being a reference to 'red' (red haired') and ca, the childish word for 'shit (ca-ca)
In the big houses in Kilkee, it was the duty of the chambermaids to empty the chamber-pots over the cliffs into the sea
As only the wealthy in those days were the only ones who could afford red meat, the contents of the chamber-pots were invariably red in colour, so the tourists became known as 'rookahs' Red shits'
Bon appetít
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 07:12 AM

A man goes to the doctor complaining of flatulence
The doctor told him that, while embarrassing, it wasn't really serious
"This is a little different" said the man, "listen"
He bent over and let of an enormous fart which, intead of the usual sound, came out as "hondah"
"Strange" says the doctor, "drop your trousers and I'll examine you" - he did
Straightening up, the doctor said, "not too serious, you have an abscess"   
"What difference does that make?"
"Well" replied the doctor, "you mus know the old saying - abscess makes the fart go "hondah"
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 08:04 AM

Gary Delaney is really very funny, even if a bit crude.

"I decided to try and improve my lovemaking technique, so I got a DVD about it. Skipped the bit about foreplay though - too boring."

"Today I had beef casserole with big dumplings. I shouldn't really call her that, but she is a big girl."

"This morning I went to my Premature Ejaculation meeting. Unfortunately it's tomorrow."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 09:12 AM

The big dumplings one reminded me of Ronnie Barker in "Porridge".

They were talking about Pan's People and he commented there was one in particular that he liked.

"Lovely Babs. Can't remember her name..."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 09:22 AM

Humour was so much less inhibited then wasn't it? Before the PC lot got going.
I'd be very amused at being labelled 'Big Dumplings' or 'Lovely Babs'. I certainly wouldn't burst into tears or fan my face with my hand like today's snowflakes.

There's a food stall in Hellesdon, Norfolk which always gives me a smile. It's called 'Big Baps' Burger Bar'. (and the apostrophe is in the right place!) The lady behind the counter has certainly got both the credentials...


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 10:04 AM

I think there's a little difference between PC and actually giving offence - a fine line
I remember the problems over a character on Children's radio entitled 'Big Fat Rosie' where it was thought very funny when she jumped into a swimming pool and emptied it - did a lot of damage to some children with a weight problem who were awarded the name as a taunt at school
I think that in some cases "P.C." has become the refuge for bigots to strut their stuff
Sorry - didn't meant to inject an air of seriousness into this so-far pleasant thread

My favourite anti-racist joke (though it doesn't appear to be such at first):
A West Indian Londoner is told he is dying and the doctor asked him would he donate his heart to the local hospital
He agrees on the condition that he be told the name of the recipient, to which the doctor reluctantly acquiesces   
The donor knocks on the door of the recipient and is faced with a huge skinhead - swastika tattoos, pins in nose, spiky haircut - the lot.
Looking down at him, the skinhead demands, "What the **** do you want Sambo?"
Timidly, the man says, "I've been told I'm dying and you're going to get my heart"
"Thank **** for that", said the skinhead, "I thought you were coming to live next door"

And the Irish one:
A newly arrived Irish immigrant applied for a job as a builder with a high-class building firm and was offered the job on condition that he would prove his abilities by sitting a short oral test.
He was asked, "What's the difference between a joist and a girder
He answered, The First wrote Ulysses the second wrote Faust
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 10:19 AM

Hahahahaaaa Jim! Love those two!

I was nicknamed 'Skinny Lizzie' at school (I was like a skeleton) after a character in Dandy comic called Tin Lizzie. Also the 'Galloping Hairpin' after the old footballer Jim Hammond. I quite liked these names.
Here's another Gary Delaney one:

"My grief counsellor died yesterday. Fortunately he was so good, I didn't give a shit."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 11:18 AM

A lady elephant was making her way through the jungle when a rotten tree fell, trapping her trunk against the ground
Try as she might, she couldn't free herself and after a while she begins to worry she might starve to death
After many hours, along comes a mouse and, seeing her plight, begins to dig frantically until, late the following day, she manages to pull herself free
Beside herself with gratitude, she thanks the mouse profusely and asks him if there's any way she can repay him
He thinks hard and finally says; "Well, as ridiculous as it may sound, I've always wanted to make love to an elephant"
She immediately agrees, and the mouse begins to make passionate love to her
He almost reaches climax when a rotten branch falls from the tree they are under, giving her a sever blow on the head
She lets out a deafening roar, and the mouse asks "Sorry, am I hurting you?"
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 01:30 PM

There's a tea caravan between Camelford and Wadebridge on the A39 called Nice Baps.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 03:17 PM

is it possible make a dodgy pun out of cobs or barm cakes?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 03:32 PM

Jim, I told my husband your joke about the heart transplant donor and he's still laughing!
But he also said he's very glad our village neighbours accepted him 'living next door' from the first day we arrived. He often parodies Little Britain ('only gay in the village) and has a laugh with our neighbour by saying, "I'm the only black man in the village!" with quite a credible Welsh accent.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Joe_F
Date: 02 Jan 19 - 10:46 PM

The first black man to move into a white neighborhood was out on a Saturday morning mowing the front lawn. A neighbor happened by & asked "Hey, boy, how much do you get for mowing that lawn?" He answered, "I don't actually get paid, but the lady of the house lets me sleep with her once in a while."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 03 Jan 19 - 03:47 AM

Hahahahaaaagh Joe F!! That could so easily apply to us! :)

These jokes are making a dull, dark January much brighter.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 03 Jan 19 - 08:34 AM

A joke from wartime Liverpool
During World War two, two friends ran a chip-shop on Lime Street, which was a notorious red-light district.
Due to wartime conditions, potatoes were hard to come by and expensive and fish was virtually ungettable because of U-Boat activity in the North Sea, so trade dwindled to almost nothing
On night wile closing up one of the friends said to his mate; "I think we have to rethink how we are going about things; maybe we should close this down and open a brothel"
"Don't be daft", says his mate, "if we can't sell fish and chips, we're never going to be able to sell soup"
   
Sen;
Again, at the risk of spoiling a highly-enjoyable thread, can I say that you are among the lucky ones and I wish you every success in that.
I lived in areas where foreigners were not so lucky and where personal abuse, vandalism and even physical attacks were commonplace - I knew several friends who were victims
Personally, I would rather err on the side of PC than stay silent when racism and sexism in the form of humour raises their ugly heads   
They may appear harmless, but they tend to make acceptable abuse that can and often is both hurtful and harmful
Sorry 'bout that
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 03 Jan 19 - 08:55 AM

We are very lucky indeed Jim. Been in Norfolk for over forty years now, and I do realise it's not like other more urban areas, where racism and bigotry may be found. It's a little bubble of happiness here!
Our neighbours truly love my husband and don't patronise him. They have that dry Norfolk humour which outsiders might find a bit odd. He and they can laugh together, and he can imitate the Norfolk accent, which makes them die.
There is a very fine line between humour and nastiness, and I can see that being PC is an honest attempt to minimise the latter.
It's just that I come from a past generation when the world was a very different place!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 03 Jan 19 - 09:01 AM

Here's another rude joke from Mock The Week:

Things not heard on TV adverts:
"Tesco penis extensions. 'Cos every little helps."
and:
"Four hoof-marks and a pile of poo. It's the sign of the Black Horse..."
"Is your lovely cat annoying you by being too affectionate? Have a break, have a shit cat."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 03 Jan 19 - 10:02 AM

A Stranger sitting in a Mexican cantina overhears two farmers discussing the recent outbreak of banditry in the area at the next table.
Suddenly one of the men asks him, "Have you ever heard of Pedro the Bandit, stranger?"
"Have I heard of Pedro the bandit? he replies, last week I was riding in the mountains when suddenly a masked stranger jumps out in front of me holding two guns.
"Put up your hands", he says - he has two guns, I have none, I put up my hands
"Now, give me all your money" he says, what choice do I have, I give him all my money.
"Now drop your trousers" he says, I don't hesitate, I drop my trousers.
"Now shit" he says, he doesn't have to tell me twice, I'm halfway there already
"Now eat it" - I don;'t think twice, I eat it.
Suddenly the masked man drops his guard, so I grab his gun and point it at him
"Put up your hands", I say - what choice does he have - he puts up his hands
"Now give me all your money" - like a shot he gives me all his money
"Now drop your trousers" - he obeys instantly and drops his trousers.
"Now shit" I say, I don't have top tell him, he has already done so
"Now eat it" he eats it as if he hadn't had a square meal for a week.

Do I know Pedro the Bandit? - didn't I have lunch with him only last week
Jim Carroll


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 03 Jan 19 - 10:23 AM

Bleur yuk Jim!!!! Heh heh :)

That sounds like Kevin Bloody Wilson, the Australian comedian/singer. He sings 'Manuel the Bandito' and it's much the same story. (On Youtube)

My all-time favourite of his is 'Santa Claus you c***!!! Where's me f****** bike?' Very crude but makes me scream.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 03 Jan 19 - 10:40 AM

A seminarian about to become a full pries is walking through the seminary grounds when he comes to a stile, slips and falls face down in the mud
He looks at he mud covered clothes and says "Oh shit"
He slaps his hands to his mouth and says, "Fuck, I said shit"
He thinks about whe he has said and says, "shit, I said fuck"
Then he turns round and walks away in disgust saying "Ah bollocks, I didn't want to be a priest anyway"
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 03 Jan 19 - 07:44 PM

From that spam telephone thread:

Tommy Cooper said that he rang someone up and said "Who's speaking, please?" A voice said to him "You are." :-)

Another of his: "I went to the ticket office at the station and said, can I have a return, please? The chap said, where to? I said, Here."

Another: "I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 04 Jan 19 - 04:38 AM

Tommy Cooper again
A man called on his mate to see if he was going for a pint - his mates wife said, Frank died of a heart attack last night
The caller paused a few seconds and said, "Did he say anything about a tin of paint?"

Did you know Beethoven was so deaf the thought he was a painter?
Jim


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 04 Jan 19 - 11:37 AM

I hate false advertising that wastes my time. Youv'e seen those Suicide Help Hotlines. They won't help you do it.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 05 Jan 19 - 05:42 AM

After overeating very rich food during the Christmas period, a woman is suffering with severe flatulence. She goes to the doctor's and tells him "I can't stop farting Doctor ...bbrrrpp... It's not really smelly but ...bbrrrpp...the noise is really embarrassing".
"I see" said the doctor. "I'll give you a prescription for some tablets. Take one a day and come back and see me in two weeks".

When she goes back, she tells him "Those tablets made it worse. I'm still farting as much but now they absolutely stink".
"Good!" says the doc. "Now your sense of smell has been sorted out, we can work on the flatulence".

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 07 Jan 19 - 07:58 PM

A middle-aged woman has just got out of the shower and is looking at herself naked in the full-length bedroom mirror.

"Oh my God!" she laments to her husband. "Just look at me! Sagging tits, bum like a burst bag of broad beans, bat's wings, crow's feet, everything wrinkled...I'm a total wreck! For God's sake say something good about me and cheer me up!"

"Sure!" says he. "You have perfect eyesight..."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 08 Jan 19 - 05:53 PM

Aaaagh! That could be describing me Steve!!

This isn't a joke, but a 'things children say' which I saw in the paper:-

A lady took her three year-old grandson for some lunch in a cafe. The waitress called out her order to the cook, "One bacon and egg, and one baked bean on toast." The child shouted, " But Nanny, I want a LOT of baked beans, not just one!"
This made me smile :)


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 08 Jan 19 - 07:47 PM

Cracker jokes are usually rubbish or total groan, but this one made me and a lady in a care home laugh (we'd gone to play them some jolly pre-Christmas music!)
"What did Cinderella say when her photos didn't come back?"
"Some day my prints will come".


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 09 Jan 19 - 07:12 PM

A woman visited her doctor for a minor ailment and, while there, expressed concern about her husband's recent behavior. It seemed that when he got the urge for a snack, instead of cookies, ice cream, or whatever, he would eat three or four dog biscuits. The doctor said that, while such behavior was unusual, it probably didn't pose any real health risks since pet products are inspected. As long as he was happy eating dog biscuits, there shouldn't be any need for concern.

About six months later, the woman returned to the same doctor for another minor problem. After the visit, the doctor asked how her husband was doing.

"Oh." said the woman, "He died a couple of months ago."

"Oh no!" exclaimed the doc, "It wasn't from eating dog biscuits was it?"

"No." replied the woman, "He was just sitting in the middle of the street licking his balls and a car ran over him."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 10 Jan 19 - 06:08 PM

A resident of a retirement home, bored with the quiet life and looking for a little excitment, decided to do a streak around the garden. She stripped off and headed off at a run across the lawn, waving her hands in the air and sqeauling with glee. Two gentlemen sitting on the veranda looked up from their newspapers as they heard the noise.
"Good Heavens" said the first. "Wasn't that Marjory Pensworth?"
"Yes, I believe it was" said the second.
"What on Earth was she wearing?"asked the first.
Back came the reply "I don't know but whatever it was, it needed ironing".

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 10 Jan 19 - 06:33 PM

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, ‘I’d guess about 29.’ The woman replies with a big smile, ‘Nope, I’m 50.’

Now she’s feeling really good about herself. She stops at a candy shop on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the assistant the same burning question.

The clerk responds, ‘Oh, I’d say 30.’

Again she proudly responds, ‘I’m 50, but thank you!’

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, ‘Lady, I’m 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra Then, and only then I can tell you EXACTLY how old you are.’

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the better of her. She finally blurts out, ‘What the hell, go ahead.’

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully. He bounces and weighs each breast.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, ‘Okay, okay.....How old am I?’

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, ‘Madam, you are 50.’

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, ‘That was incredible, how could you tell?’

‘I was behind you at McDonalds’.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 10 Jan 19 - 06:38 PM

Hahahaaaaaagh! These jokes are all excellent!:)

Q. How do you keep an idiot in suspense?
A. I'll tell you later.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 15 Jan 19 - 09:53 AM

Not a joke as such, but this morning I saw that there was a day this week when lots of people went on the Tube (London Underground) with no trousers on!! It's called 'No Trousers Tube Ride' and it's now an annual event in early January.

Men and women wore only their underpants on their lower half, and ordinary clothes on the top. Nothing rude showing, but lots of photos on the internet of carriages with bare legs everywhere, and people's expressions perfectly normal and detached. So British!

I laughed and laughed - I've never seen anything so funny and quirky. Shades of Monty Python.
Just what's needed to brighten up the miserable, dreary January days!


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 15 Jan 19 - 02:09 PM

Apparently the man who invented predictive text has passed away. His funfair is on Monkey.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Jan 19 - 07:45 PM

Went to see Stan & Ollie tonight at the flicks. There were plenty of gentle gags, but I liked this one near the beginning, when Stan and Ollie were bemoaning their respective divorce experiences with regard to the amount of dough they'd had to pay out. Stan sez to Ollie, "I'm not getting married any more. I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just buy her a house."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 16 Jan 19 - 06:25 PM

Why is a divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 10:01 AM

Rudolph can't have been Christian. He was a communist, Rudolph the Red. Tsk.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 10:03 AM

Blimey, even though I thought that was funny I'm still in the wrong thread! :-)


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 10:09 AM

Did I tell you the deja vu joke before?


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 10:14 AM

Rudolph Popov, weather forecaster for State TV in communist USSR was always accurate with his wet weather forecasts. After all, Rudolph the red knows rain, dear.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 11:06 AM

Same joke, different setting:

The famous Viking explorer, Erik the Red, had a cousin named Rudolf the Red. Rudolf often sailed on voyages with Erik, serving as lookout.

On a voyage carrying settlers from Norway to Greenland, a mass of thunderclouds built up on the horizon and it looked like the longship was going to sail directly into them unless they changed course. Erik was about to instruct the helmsman to steer to the south when Rudolf pulled Erik aside and told him not to worry, that the rain would fall a bit to the north of their present course. So, the ship maintained course and, sure enough, the storm moved to the north, leaving them totally unscathed.

After the seeming narrow escape, a female settler approached Erik and asked how he knew the storm would narrowly miss them. "Well," replied Erik, "it was actually my cousin Rudolf who made the call. I always take his advice in such matters because Rudolf the Red knows rain, dear."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 11:20 AM

"We are going into month two of the government shutdown. I miss the good old days when at least we were governed by a mad English king"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 11:27 AM

"Republicans don't want to keep the government shut down, they want to end this stalemate and get back to the important work of crippling the government, courts and FBI."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 01:14 PM

Why interrupt a perfectcly good joke thread, Donuel, with unfunny political comment?

DC


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: gillymor
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 01:39 PM

It got so cold in Maine last week that the nudist camp put out a sign, “We are open but we are clothed.”


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Senoufou
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 02:03 PM

'My girlfriend's dog died, and to cheer her up I got her another, identical one. She was furious. She said, "What am I going to do with TWO dead dogs?"


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Jan 19 - 04:22 PM

Old lady to her friend, "Relax Helen ol Dougie did not whistle at you,
he's wheezing."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 18 Jan 19 - 03:50 AM

Two old chaps on the tube.

"Is this Wembley?"
"No it's Thursday."
"So am I. Lets get off and have a drink."


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: G-Force
Date: 18 Jan 19 - 01:53 PM

I like the advert for viagra: it might not make you James Bond, but it'll make you Roger Moore.


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Mr Red
Date: 19 Jan 19 - 12:41 PM

An in the UK you can get it over the counter now.




If you buy enough......


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Subject: RE: BS: First Joke Thread for 2019
From: Jim Carroll
Date: 19 Jan 19 - 01:44 PM

A man walks into a bar and orders a pint of Guinness, takes a swig, spits it out and empties it on the floor and says "piss"- he then spins on his heel and storms out
The next night he does the same, orders a Guinness, takes a swig, spits, empties o the floor, says "piss" and storms out
The third night the same man walks into the same bar
The barman, spotting him, says "piss off"
"In that case pull me a pint of bitter"
Jim Carroll


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