BS: Very Unlikely Headlines

Subject: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Senoufou
Date: 05 Feb 19 - 06:39 AM

There's a funny article in my paper this morning listing newspaper headlines unlikely ever to be seen.
Here are a few for starters:-

Ignorant Person Thinks Twice Before Calling Radio Phone-In

Actress Fails To Cry When Accepting Award

Trump Has A Quiet Day

Child Looks Up From Mobile Phone To Greet Elderly Relative

Any more suggestions?

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Feb 19 - 07:46 AM

You need to subscribe to The Daily Mash.

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Acorn4
Date: 05 Feb 19 - 08:10 AM

My favourite is from the Sun - just after the birth of Prince William:-

"Charles Plays with Willie in the Bath".

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Mrrzy
Date: 05 Feb 19 - 08:11 AM

Ooh tempting.

Probe reveals politician honest and kind.

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Dave Hanson
Date: 05 Feb 19 - 10:29 AM

Trump voted in for a second term.

Dave H

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Feb 19 - 10:56 AM

Damn you Dave. Parrish the thought. I know Putin is trying to figure out how he will do it next time.


'Trump Resigns Over
Telling the Truth'

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: gillymor
Date: 05 Feb 19 - 11:04 AM

Howard Schultz gives away his fortune because no one will call him a "person of means" instead of a billionaire.

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Feb 19 - 11:11 AM

From today's Mash: Ryanair ‘a totally acceptable casualty of Brexit’

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Little Hawk
Date: 05 Feb 19 - 11:28 AM

Shane McBride Wins Nobel Prize For Literature And Canadian Award For Sobriety!

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Senoufou
Date: 05 Feb 19 - 11:35 AM

God: I believe in Dawkins

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: gillymor
Date: 05 Feb 19 - 11:53 AM

Don Jr. proven to be smarter than a bag of hammers.

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Backwoodsman
Date: 05 Feb 19 - 12:15 PM

"God: I believe in Dawkins"

ROTFLMAO! 😂😂

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: sian, west wales
Date: 05 Feb 19 - 01:30 PM

Some time in the early/mid 1980s Queen Eliz II was traveling in South America and was served up something not on her approved list. One of the British Tabloids had a front page photo of her wrinkling her nose with a headline, "Queen Eats Rat".

sian

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Feb 19 - 02:43 PM

Guardian: Emergency calls for pets eating cannabis surge 765% over past decade

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Donuel
Date: 05 Feb 19 - 04:29 PM

TRUMP CALLS FOR CODE RED
No one knows what that means.
Jack Nicholson has tweeted the ...


Putin DEAD from Novichok

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Senoufou
Date: 06 Feb 19 - 04:24 AM

Southern Railways Wins Award For Punctuality And Passenger Comfort

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Rusty Dobro
Date: 06 Feb 19 - 08:19 AM

Donovan says 'the Beatles would have made it without my help, and I modelled myself on Dylan'.

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 06 Feb 19 - 08:33 AM

Brexit settled to everyone's satisfaction.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 06 Feb 19 - 08:40 AM

Mudcat users agree to agree.

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Senoufou
Date: 06 Feb 19 - 10:16 AM

Pensioners To Be Given Free Daily Crumpets

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 07 Feb 19 - 05:05 AM

BMW driver uses indicators

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: David C. Carter
Date: 08 Feb 19 - 05:25 AM

If I sing in the shower, and nobody hears me,am I just miming?
If I sing faster than the speed of sound,can I harmonize with myself?

If I walk down the street,but nobody sees me,am I invisible?

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Donuel
Date: 08 Feb 19 - 08:01 AM

David when you're Wright you're right.

Now for a quick song before a headline like Naked Bezos Pictures appears



Wonderful World - with apologies to Sam Cook, James Taylor, Herb Albert and Art Galfunker.


Don't know nothin bout History
Don' know any biology
I've never read a single book
Don't know nothin bout how to cook

And I care nothin at all bout you
But if Fake News would love me true
What a wonderful world this would be

Don't know nothin bout geography
Don't know any trigonometry
All I know is about writing a tweet
Don't know how to admit defeat

But I know one and one is two
and if fake News would love me true
What a wonderful world this would be

Now I don't claim to be an honest man baby
And I don't try to be
cause honest men are all losers baby
And nobody's more special than me

Don't know how to be president
Don't know what I said or what I meant
Don't know nothin bout buildin a wall
Don't know nothin bout nothin at all

Its only me that I've been thinkin of
But if Fake News would give me love
What a wonderful world this would be

What a wonderful
Justice free world this would be
What a wonderful
Wonderful
Wonderful world

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 08 Feb 19 - 08:12 PM

Greek immigrant finds seatbelt.

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Rapparee
Date: 08 Feb 19 - 08:34 PM

Today's "New York Post" headline:

BEZOS EXPOSES PECKER!

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 09 Feb 19 - 05:27 PM

Greek immigrant surrenders licence.

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Senoufou
Date: 10 Feb 19 - 03:31 AM

Hahaha Tattie! About time too!

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Mrrzy
Date: 10 Feb 19 - 10:43 AM

Old white Virginian never wore blackface

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Senoufou
Date: 10 Feb 19 - 11:37 AM

Weather Forecast For UK : Hot and Sunny For The Rest Of The Week

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Jon Freeman
Date: 10 Feb 19 - 11:41 AM

Other type headlines.

I think I recently read that the police had stated that the theft of several hundred sheep was planned. It's difficult to imagine the logistics involved in shifting that many animals would not have a plan.

Also, I think you can still read the sort of guy found with knife in back and police suspecting foul play...

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Senoufou
Date: 10 Feb 19 - 12:13 PM

Hahaha Jon! True, no-one could say they were passing a field and on a sudden whim decided to open the gate and get their sheepdog to herd them into a passing sheep lorry!

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Mr Red
Date: 10 Feb 19 - 12:25 PM

"Thieves steal copper from police"

OH wait a bit, it did happen in Stroud.............

image

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Jon Freeman
Date: 10 Feb 19 - 12:34 PM

Another drift but an odd one we reported to the police was pigs on the road. Not what you'd want to meet on the A140 but there is a certain awkwardness about reporting it.

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Bill D
Date: 10 Feb 19 - 01:59 PM

Headlines that never made it:

A friend of mine many years ago got a job working for The Wichita Eagle writing headlines. He'd be given raw copy in printed form (before computers) and would type a headline, clip it to the story, and hand it to the editor for approval. The editor would (usually) toss it on a moving belt running into the composing room where it would be set in type.
Sometimes the editor would make corrections or give it back to be "tightened up". My friend Tony got a general request to 'make heads more succinct, but clear & to the point'.
   One day Tony got a brief story about a man who was tried & convicted of "indecent exposure". He pondered... then wrote 2 versions... and handed #1 to the editor, who glanced at it, tossed it on the moving belt.... then made a frantic leap to barely grab it before it disappeared thru the wall.
He looked at Tony with mouth open as Tony said.."Oh, here's your real head.."

The original said "Dangling dong dooms defendant."

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Senoufou
Date: 11 Feb 19 - 08:48 AM

Pwaaaaaahaaaahaaagh Bill!!! Dangling dong!!! I must remember that the next time my husband emerges from the shower in the altogether! hee hee!

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Mrrzy
Date: 11 Feb 19 - 11:27 AM

Did it have a luminous nose?

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Senoufou
Date: 11 Feb 19 - 11:49 AM

Hahahaaaaaaagh Mrzzy!!!! He may wander over 'the great Gromboolian Plain' with his Dong, but I can't vouch for its nose being luminous.

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Mo the caller
Date: 14 Feb 19 - 08:05 AM

I wonder if the headline "Theft of bathroom fittings. Police have nothing to go on" is apocryphal / accidental / or a jpurnalist with a sense if humour.

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Senoufou
Date: 14 Feb 19 - 09:16 AM

Strip Search Finds Crack Between Buttocks.

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Feb 19 - 09:34 AM

Terrorist Eludes TSA
he claimed he had already cavity searched himself

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 14 Feb 19 - 10:55 AM

The Greek immigrant one has just dawned on me. I'm a bit slow this week :-)

Thanks Tattie :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Donuel
Date: 14 Feb 19 - 11:25 AM

KINGDOM COME UNEARTHED
now we will now how far it is from here

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 14 Feb 19 - 08:32 PM

Greek immigrant not to be prosecuted after lengthy plea bargaining.
ITV runs programme on elderly drivers and when to give up.
(Geddit, Dave the Gnome?)

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 15 Feb 19 - 07:59 PM

Trump finishes wall?

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Donuel
Date: 15 Feb 19 - 09:09 PM

Trump declares National Emergency/disaster/attack
and goes golfing


actually true

Subject: RE: BS: Very Unlikely Headlines
From: Tradsinger
Date: 17 Feb 19 - 04:37 PM

Police to act on indecent shows.