Song: No One Ever Reads the Evening News

Subject: No One Ever Reads the Evening News
From: Johnny J
Date: 19 Nov 19 - 10:17 AM

I keep remembering this very funny song composed by John Milligan who is a well kent character in The Lothians.

However, I have never come across the lyrics or any recordings online. I haven't seen John for a few years now but I believe he's still going strong.

Does anyone out there know the words to the song? If so, I'll buy you a beer sometime. :-)

Subject: RE: No One Ever Reads the Evening News
From: Jack Campin
Date: 19 Nov 19 - 10:35 AM

I think I've got it on cassette. Will have a look tonight.

Subject: RE: No One Ever Reads the Evening News
From: Johnny J
Date: 19 Nov 19 - 11:41 AM

Thanks Jack.

Subject: RE: No One Ever Reads the Evening News
From: Jack Campin
Date: 19 Nov 19 - 06:00 PM

Okay, found it. What I haven't found is my USB cassette gizmo. I can do a copy on cassette later in the week, since my double cassette deck is too big to lose.

Subject: RE: No One Ever Reads the Evening News
From: GUEST,.gargoyle
Date: 19 Nov 19 - 08:11 PM

HEAR with Your EAR....

Then ...type/listen/type/correct/type

Sincerely,
Gargoyle

Plaese continue your insights to this post ... The web is a deep sea.

Subject: RE: No One Ever Reads the Evening News
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 19 Nov 19 - 08:15 PM

Good song! I remember the late Maggie Cruickshank used to sing it in our local sessions.

Subject: RE: No One Ever Reads the Evening News
From: Jack Campin
Date: 20 Nov 19 - 10:16 AM

HEAR with Your EAR

No time this week. But I can fire-and-forget with a copying process and make the transcription John's problem.

Subject: RE: No One Ever Reads the Evening News
From: Johnny J
Date: 20 Nov 19 - 11:25 AM

Thanks for that, Jack.

If you are able to upload it somewhere with your USB device or send me a file, that would be fine. No rush,whatever way suits you best.

Subject: RE: Song: No One Ever Reads the Evening News
From: Joe Offer
Date: 20 Nov 19 - 05:50 PM

But somebody's going to do a transcription of this song for us - right?

Subject: RE: Song: No One Ever Reads the Evening News
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 20 Nov 19 - 07:10 PM

Yes, please share with us all Jack or Johnny!

Subject: RE: Song: No One Ever Reads the Evening News
From: Johnny J
Date: 20 Nov 19 - 07:36 PM

Ok, once I get it.

The melody will be handy too.
I can remember exactly how it goes but I'm damned if I can remember the original name of the tune(or song) from which it was borrowed.

Once the name comes back to me, I'll let you know that too.

Subject: RE: Song: No One Ever Reads the Evening News
From: Johnny J
Date: 13 Feb 20 - 07:00 AM

Just discovered a FB recording of this song featuring Dave Francis.

It's not the most charismatic of performances (as you might expect :-))) ) but, to be fair, Dave admits that he was a little unsure of the melody.

The melody certainly differs from how I remember it and I'm not sure if all the lyrics are exactly the same either.

https://www.facebook.com/edfolkclub/videos/610680723117756/

Subject: RE: Song: No One Ever Reads the Evening News
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 13 Feb 20 - 02:26 PM

Not as I remember it either: just checked my Maggie Cruickshank CD, but it's not on that, unfortunately.
I'll put it down as I remember it and send it to you for your opinion, Johnny Jay: think it had 1st and 4th lines much the same, with lines 2 and 3 higher, and fairly similar. The 1st and 4th lines are a bit like Matt McGinn's "Three nights and a Sunday" - but not quite the same....... Will see if other doon at the auld Grey Horse remember it too!

Subject: RE: Song: No One Ever Reads the Evening News
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 14 Feb 20 - 06:42 PM

Have pm'ed you here and on "the session" Johnny J.

Subject: ADD: Evening News (John Milligan)
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 23 Feb 20 - 06:12 PM

Here are the lyrics I have been sent, tho' not sure if they are the exact original:

EVENING NEWS
(John Milligan)

There’s a paper every day – Evening News
And it’s big in every way – Evening News
You can fold it oot tae there
You can spread it on the flair
But you never ever read the Evening News.

When you have to light a fire, use the News
When you want a table higher, use the News
When you need to line a bucket,
Or whatever you may use,
Or to parcel up some screws, use the News.

When you empty the cat’s box - Evening News
When you empty ony slops - Evening News
When you empty ony rubbish,
Porridge, gunge or stinky poos
Or a hoover fu o oos - Evening News.

When the rain comes peltin doon, use the News
When you’re sittin on the grun, use the News
When you’ve wandered off the beaten track,
And have to clean your shoes
cos you’ve stepped amang the coos, use the News.

When you’ve china plates to pack – Evening News
When you’ve chips to carry back – Evening News
When you need a lightit taper,
Or a bookmark when you snooze,
Or some paper in the loos – Evening News.

There’s a paper every day – Evening News
And it’s big in every way – Evening News
When you’re simply needin paper,
It’s what a’ the family choose
But you never ever read the Evening News.

I have written down what I think is the tune, from distant memory, and Johnny J says he thinks it's at least close, so will email it to Joe.
Saw Jack today, and told him, but he's still looking for his USB gizmo! Happy for any corrections if his recording shows up any different lyrics.

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Click to play (joeweb)

Subject: RE: Song: No One Ever Reads the Evening News
From: GUEST,Jerry
Date: 24 Feb 20 - 08:26 AM

To my mind, it needs a final verse with a twist, such as:

Then Desiree wrote one day - to The News
Her exploits in exposee - to The News
When reporting her cavorting
She forgot her Ps and Qs
And now everybody reads the Evening News.

Subject: RE: Song: No One Ever Reads the Evening News
From: Mrrzy
Date: 24 Feb 20 - 05:03 PM

...And every Saturday evening, he reads the Sunday news!

Subject: RE: Song: No One Ever Reads the Evening News
From: Johnny J
Date: 25 Feb 20 - 04:53 AM

Thanks for that, Trish.

It's mostly correct I'd suggest and can always be "tweaked" to suit an individual performance, in any case.
Your version of the tune is fine too and much closer to what I remember than in the recording above.

I may be wrong but, I think, in the first verse I remember the lines

"You can fold it oot tae there
You can spread it on the flair"
being the other way around and it was "lay" instead of "spread". It doesn't really matter much, of course.

I think too that the line "No One Ever Reads the Evening News" appears somewhere in the actual song too.

Possibly another odd difference here and there but, of course, I may also have listened to slightly wrong versions in the past too and my memory might also be playing tricks. :-)

However, the setting you've posted is a good "working" version of the song. So, thanks.

Subject: RE: Song: No One Ever Reads the Evening News
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 25 Feb 20 - 10:14 AM

Thanks Johnny,
I think that perhaps the line "No-one ever reads The Evening News" should be the last line of the (first and) last verses: it really is the punchline.
Thanks for the extra verse, Jerry, but think I'll keep it as it is.

Subject: RE: Song: No One Ever Reads the Evening News
From: Joe Offer
Date: 25 Feb 20 - 07:11 PM

Here's the melody file Tattie Bogle sent me. Is it right?

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Click to play (joeweb)

Subject: RE: Song: No One Ever Reads the Evening News
From: Johnny J
Date: 26 Feb 20 - 05:27 AM

Close.
However, it should be much slower than how it sounds on the midi player.

Subject: RE: Song: No One Ever Reads the Evening News
From: Tattie Bogle
Date: 26 Feb 20 - 11:59 AM

Thanks Joe, yes, agree it should be a tad slower, with slight pause before each "Evening News" or "Use the News".