BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020

Subject: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 01 Jan 20 - 11:38 PM

A guitarist and his wife were celebrating their twentieth wedding anniversary. They had decided to meet at a restaurant after work. The wife arrived at the restaurant at the appointed time, but the husband was nowhere to be found. So, she called him on his mobile phone and asked why he wasn't there.

"Well," he explained, "remember a few years ago we stopped into a little jewelry store on 34th Street and you fell in love with a sapphire necklace but we didn't have the money for it and I promised you that one day we'd have the money and I'd buy it for you?"

"Oh, my!" she excitedly replied, "Of course I remember! Do you mean it's still there?"

"I have no idea," he answered, "I'm in the guitar store next door and they have this really great old Martin D-18 for sale...."

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Dave the Gnome
Date: 02 Jan 20 - 03:09 AM

Man walks into a dentist's and says "I think I'm a moth!"

The dentist replied "I think you need the psychiatrist. I'm a dentist."

"I know", says the man.

"Well, why did you come in here then?" Asks the dentist.

"The light was on"

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 02 Jan 20 - 06:10 AM

A man in a canoe got cold so he lit a fire. It burned a hole in the bottom and the boat sank.


Which goes to show that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 02 Jan 20 - 07:06 AM

An elderly couple were watching the tv and the husband had the remote.
He kept changing back and forth between a porn channel and a fishing programme.
"For heaven's sake" said his wife "leave it on the porn channel, you know how to fish".

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 02 Jan 20 - 07:12 AM

A+ }^)

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Pete from seven stars link
Date: 02 Jan 20 - 07:42 AM

Then there was the Scotsman walking past a restaurant and his wife enthused about the wonderful mouthwatering smells emanating from within. She continued as they walked on , so the man said “what the heck,why not” , so he walked her past it again.......

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: saulgoldie
Date: 03 Jan 20 - 02:43 PM

An infinite number of mathematicians walks into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second one orders a half a beer. The third one orders a quarter of a beer. The fourth one orders an eight of a beer...

The bartender pours two beers, and says, "You figure it out!"

Saul

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: MudGuard
Date: 03 Jan 20 - 03:25 PM

5 mathematicians and 5 engineer are going to visit another university.

At the railway station, the mathematicians buy 5 tickets, while the engineers only buy a single ticket. The mathematicians are surprised, and ask the engineers how this will work out.

The engineers tell the mathematicians: wait and see.

They all enter the train (here in Germany, you don't need to show tickets before entering the train, the conductor will check them while the train is moving).

After a while, the conductor is approaching to check the passengers' tickets.

The five engineers all cram into the waggon's (or is it carriages's - sorry, my English is not the best) toilet and lock themselves in.

The conductor, after checking the mathematicians' tickets, notices that the toilet is in use, and knocks on the toilet door - one of the engineers says: "sorry, I will need some more time in here" and pushes the ticket outside through the narrow slit at the bottom of the door.

So they reach the other university, visit their colleagues, and start for the return journey.

This times - having learned from the engineers - the mathematicians buy only one ticket. And they are surprised when they notice that the engineers this time buy no ticket at all.

Again they ask how this will work, and get the same answer: "wait and see!".

And again they enter the train. When the conductor is approaching, the mathematicians cram into the toilet at the one end of the waggon, while the engineers cram into the toilet at the other end of the waggon.

When all the mathematicians are locked away, one of the engineers slips out again, runs to the other toilet, knocks on the door and says: "ticket please" ...

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Raggytash
Date: 04 Jan 20 - 05:12 AM

Two Lions escape from Belle Vue Zoo in Manchester, they amble up to Piccadilly, down Market Street and along Deansgate.

One Lion turns to t'other and sez "eh it's quiet for a Saturday"

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Jan 20 - 09:12 AM

Horse goes into a pub and orders a pint. The landlord, thinking that horses probably didn't really get money, grossly overcharges him.

After a while the landlord thought he'd try to engage the horse in conversation with "We don't get that many horses in here..."

"I'm not bloody surprised" sez the horse, "with beer at ten quid a pint..."

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou
Date: 04 Jan 20 - 03:13 PM

Haaaaahaaahaagh! I'm loving all these jokes! Keep 'em coming!

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 04 Jan 20 - 08:14 PM

Bloke woke up in his hospital bed after his operation. The surgeon was there to see him.

Doc, sez the bloke, How did it go? Well, sez the doc, remember that I told you we'd have to amputate your leg? Well there's good news and bad news about that...

Oh God, sez yer man, what's the good news? Well, sez the doc, in the end we only had to take off half your leg.

Oh thank God! sez yer man, but what's the bad news? Sez the doc, It was the top half...

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 05 Jan 20 - 02:57 PM

A family of country hicks, Ma, Pa and Junior, go to the big city for the first time. In a large department store, Junior is facinated by watching people go in and out of the elevator. He runs to fetch Pa, saying, "Pa,Pa, you've gotta see this!".

A few moments later, an old lady approaches the elevator. The doors open, she enters and the doors close behind her. Floor indicators counts up and then down again. When the doors re-open, out walks a beautiful young woman.

"What's happening Pa?" Cries Junior. "I don't know, son" says Pa, scratching his chin, "but go fetch your Ma."

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 05 Jan 20 - 03:59 PM

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are crouchng behind a rock, surrounded by war-painted Apaches. The Lone Ranger says "I think we're in trouble Tonto". Tonto, by now about three feet from the Lone Ranger, replies "What do you mean by 'We', paleface?"

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 05 Jan 20 - 06:34 PM

Following Steve's joke:

A bloke wakes up in hospital and starts shouting hysterically:
The nurse comes over.
"Nurse, nurse, I can't feel my legs".
"No sir, we've amputated your hands!

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 05 Jan 20 - 07:15 PM

Sez the surgeon to the bloke who has just woken up after the op, I have some bad news and some good news... Omigod, shouts yer man, what's the bad news, Doc? Sez the doc, well in the end we had to amputate both your legs... Ah, Jaysus! shouts yer man hysterically, How can there be any good news after that! So what IS the good news, doc? Well, sez the doc, the man in the next bed has offered to buy your slippers...

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: leeneia
Date: 08 Jan 20 - 01:57 AM

Doug, I don't want you to feel bad, but I heard that joke in the 1960's.

But don't feel bad, because recently I read that the taglines of forgotten jokes live on for decades, and that's one of them. It's now "What do you mean, WE, white man?"

When my husband says, "We need to re-wire the porch light," I respond...

(You guessed it.)

Though of course I would stand by to hand him tools, etc, while he re-wires the light.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Jan 20 - 05:35 AM

Gotta include the odd Tommy Cooper one.

"Doctor, I have this terrible problem. Every time a beautiful woman comes anywhere near me, I can't stop myself from pushing her away!"

"Well what do you want me to do about it?"

"Can you break my arms?"

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 08 Jan 20 - 05:50 AM

Doug, I don't want you to feel bad, but I heard that joke in the 1960's.

If I had a pound for every time that I have had the same thought when reading other people's contributions to Mudcat joke threads, I would be a rich man by now.

On a site where people take pride in singing songs from times gone by, think of me as a traditional joke teller.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Jan 20 - 06:29 AM

I don't even mind it when Jim tells the same joke twice in the same thread! :-)

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 08 Jan 20 - 08:14 AM

What was that old chestnut about a the liberal MP (remember them?)

"He can't take offence without sitting on it"

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 08 Jan 20 - 08:15 AM

And the etymologist who:

"can't take offense without C'ing it"

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou
Date: 08 Jan 20 - 09:36 AM

All castles had one major weakness. The enemy used to get in through the gift shop.
(Peter Kay)

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 08 Jan 20 - 12:46 PM

*guffaw*

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 15 Jan 20 - 05:21 PM

Just read this:

A pistol shot goes ‘bang,’ a lupara goes ‘boom,’ a machine gun goes ‘ratatatatat,’ and a knife goes ‘swiss.’

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 15 Jan 20 - 07:06 PM

I'm misquoting here, but John Seymour said about Switzerland (something like) that after a thousand years of history, all the Swiss have to show for it is the cuckoo clock.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Karen Impola
Date: 15 Jan 20 - 11:19 PM

There's a bluegrass band on stage. How can you tell if the stage is level?

The banjo player drools out of both sides of his mouth.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: frogprince
Date: 15 Jan 20 - 11:19 PM

A blond man, calling 911: "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are two minutes apart".
911 responder: "Is this her first child?"
Blond man: "No, this is her husband ! "

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: frogprince
Date: 15 Jan 20 - 11:22 PM

Blond man, calling out to his wife from the shower: "This shampoo says it's for dry hair, but I already got my head wet."

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: frogprince
Date: 15 Jan 20 - 11:30 PM

A blond man stands over the mail that just dropped thru the slot in the door, unable to decide how to pick it up; the envelope on top is stamped "Do not bend".

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 16 Jan 20 - 07:12 AM

2 blond men decided to go bear hunting. They got to a fork in the road with a sign saying, bear left. So they went home.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 16 Jan 20 - 08:38 PM

Am I allowed just one Essex girl one then?

Essex girl was involved in a car crash and was trapped. Paramedics turned up and one of them said to her, "You'll be all right now, love. We'll soon have you out. Where are you bleeding from?"

"I'm from bleedin' Chingford, mate. What about you?"

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 17 Jan 20 - 03:55 AM

After reading about Ms Paltrow's candle range smelling like lady parts. I thought I'd start a candle range modelled on my man parts but I was told they wouldn't burn long enough.
RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Jan 20 - 10:08 AM

Hee hee burn it at both ends!

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Michael
Date: 17 Jan 20 - 10:22 AM

Like Sven, you may have problems getting the wax off.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Jan 20 - 12:57 PM

Wouldn't burn long enough? You need to dip your wick a bit deeper, Roger...

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 17 Jan 20 - 01:12 PM

There's a new intimate deodorant for men called "Strike Zone".

Their slogan is "No More Foul Balls!"

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Jan 20 - 05:13 PM

Went into the chemists yesterday. Told the young lady assistant that I didn't know much about deodorants, but my wife had sent me in because she said I stank.

So I asked the girl if she could advise me as to what to buy.

"Well," she said, "there are different kinds. Do you think you'd prefer the ball type?"

"No," I replied, "It's for my armpits..."

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Roger the Skiffler
Date: 18 Jan 20 - 05:33 AM

... you thought my other soubriquet "thimbles" was because of ma washboard playing?
RtS

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 18 Jan 20 - 05:54 AM

What about the guy who thought Berk & Hair was describing Boris............

It's a killer ..............

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Rusty Dobro
Date: 18 Jan 20 - 05:39 PM

I bought a new gadget: you put venison in the top, turn the handle, and it comes out as pheasant.

It's a real game changer...

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Rusty Dobro
Date: 21 Jan 20 - 03:22 AM

A zoo keeper travelled to Africa to bring back a pair of large, horned, herbivore antelopes.

He bought a suitable pair from a dealer, but when he got them back home, something didn't look right. The horns were cardboard, and stuck on with sticky tape, and on close inspection, he found he had been sold a couple of donkeys.

Infuriated, he berated the poor donkeys for their part in the deception. This annoyed them so much that they lashed out with their hooves, and killed him.

The coroner ruled that he had been the victim of false gnus......

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Jan 20 - 05:25 AM

The fire alarm went off in a cinema in Spain. But there was only one way out, and in the panic lots of people were trampled.

Which goes to show that you shouldn't put all your Basques in one exit...

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: DMcG
Date: 21 Jan 20 - 09:30 AM

A comment on another thread has reminded me of this:

milliHelen: The unit of beauty needed to launch one ship.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Jan 20 - 10:52 AM

"Game changer": heheh. That's a real Tim Vine-style joke. Here's another, at risk of repeating myself:

I went for a ride on the Big Dipper at Blackpool Pleasure Beach. Half the time I was laughing my head off, the other half I was crying my eyes out. It was an emotional roller coaster...

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 21 Jan 20 - 09:07 PM

The coroner was stumped upon finding
dozens of blonds trampled to death
at the exit of the castle gift shop
each with a tiny candle.
When asked what happened the coroner said
"Clearly fragile hasseled fascile castle ass holes battled...
in the dark?"

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Bee-dubya-ell
Date: 21 Jan 20 - 09:57 PM

That "game changer" joke reminds me of the "baby changing stations" often seen in public restrooms and highway rest stops. I've often wondered how they work. Do you put a baby you've grown tired of in it, press a button, and walk out with a different baby all together?

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Michael
Date: 22 Jan 20 - 05:32 AM

A lot of so called 'Baby Changing Stations' are in fact 'Baby Tickling Stations' if you look at the graphic on the door.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 22 Jan 20 - 05:46 AM

All medieval castles had a fatal flaw: the enemy could get in through the gift shop.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Nigel Parsons
Date: 22 Jan 20 - 09:24 AM

Steve says: "I don't even mind it when Jim tells the same joke twice in the same thread! :-)"
Then repeats Senoufou's one about the exit through the gift shop. Although she did attribute it to Peter Kay.