BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 17 Feb 20 - 08:29 AM

Went to the zoo the other day. Didn't see any animals, but one dog.

It was a shitzu.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 17 Feb 20 - 05:44 PM

Nigel tells the finest cheesiest jokes
Steve specializes in cosmopolitan colloquial jokes
Iain does generalized insult humor
while Donuel does the squareroots of - numbers

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 17 Feb 20 - 06:44 PM

Your cod-analysing of people here is beyond a joke.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou
Date: 18 Feb 20 - 04:25 AM

(From the Daily Telegraph book, Stop The World, I Want To Get Off')

The next Mary Berry programme will look at fortified wine on a ship from Northern Ireland to the Republic of Ireland.: 'The Mary Berry Derry to Kerry Sherry Ferry'.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Feb 20 - 05:31 AM

And if Isla St Clair married Barry White, divorced him, then married Bryan Ferry, would she then be Isla White-Ferry?

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Senoufou
Date: 18 Feb 20 - 05:40 AM

Hahahaaaaagh Steve! If she had a bad cold she could then be called Red Funnel.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Feb 20 - 07:35 AM

The first rule of Vegan Club- Tell everyone about Vegan Club.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 18 Feb 20 - 08:20 AM

A crossfit maven walks into a bar. How do we know? They'll tell you.

Works with vegans and a third group I don't recall...

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 18 Feb 20 - 10:06 AM

Your cod-analysing of people here is beyond a joke.

Be grateful fr small mentions, at least you got one.

A holocaust survivor goes to heaven, God asks him to tell a holocaust joke. God was not amused "That's not funny" she says.
The holocaust survivor said "Well, I guess you just had to be there"

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Feb 20 - 10:12 AM

His "cod-analysing" is just another way for Donuel to shift the spotlight to himself and it's tiresome. Now, back to the jokes.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 18 Feb 20 - 10:51 AM

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

To get to the same side.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 18 Feb 20 - 07:42 PM

A photon checks into a hotel. The porter asks, “Can I help you with your luggage?” The photon replies, “I don’t have any. I’m travelling light."

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 19 Feb 20 - 04:30 AM

Two atoms were walking down the street when one says "I've lost an electron".
"Are you sure?" says the other.
"Yes, I'm positive".


DC

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 Feb 20 - 06:09 AM

Steve Shaw.... It was me who talked Britney Spears out of marrying Bryan Ferry!.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 19 Feb 20 - 06:18 AM

My ex stood in front of the full length mirror in our bedroom.... naked...   She said 'Darling.... my hair is thinning badly, the skin around my eyes looks like crows feet.... my neck looks like chicken skin.... my breasts are sagging and have stretch marks.... My belly is also sagging and has stretch marks..... I have cellulite on my butt and thighs and my feet are getting very wrinkly.... please tell me something good about me'........... I replied with ' Your eyesight is brilliant love'

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 19 Feb 20 - 06:38 AM

Britney Ferry - heheh!

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 19 Feb 20 - 08:10 AM

First joke I remember hearing: When is a door not a door?

When it's ajar.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Feb 20 - 08:18 AM

It just seems that lately nobody sees all the work I do. It seems like no matter how much effort i put into my works, no matter how much I invest in improving my skills via education, books, conferences, no matter how much i try to 'get in the spotlight' and display my art, people seem to just... pass it by and go on like they haven't even noticed it, not even giving it a glance or a moments thought.

I'm in a rut right now. Its hard to stay motivated and creative when all the hard work goes unnoticed by gillymor, despite the pay being good at work.

For those wondering, i design camouflage.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 19 Feb 20 - 08:22 AM

Ts there a punchline in there or has it been camouflaged.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Feb 20 - 08:23 AM

After countless years of Jesus being in the spotlight, the Devil had had enough. He issued a challenge to Jesus; whoever writes the longest story on Microsoft Word wins. Jesus accepts, and they get to it. After hours and hours of frantic typing, there is suddenly a power cut. The Devil is furious, whilst Jesus remains calm. As soon as the power comes back, he boots up his computer and has lost all his work, before seeing Jesus calmly typing from where he left off. Lucifer is not happy at all, calling Jesus a cheat, before God intervenes, proclaiming Jesus the winner. The moral of the story? *Jesus saves*

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Feb 20 - 08:38 AM

- *I did not write this joke, I hope you enjoy it :^/

"Johnny and the Clown"

Johnny is poor and has been all his life. He doesn't mind it much, except for the fact that every year when the circus comes to town, he never gets to see it. The years pass and every year he watches the circus come and go with a tear in his eye. Then one year as the circus is leaving, he snaps. "Fuck it," he says." I'm going to get myself a job so I can see the circus."

The next day he applies for a job at a supermarket stacking shelves. He gets this job and works his heart out. He works every night stacking shelves, earning money. He spends very little, and saves heaps. He is the best worker the supermarket has ever seen. A year passes, and the circus comes to town.

As soon as the gates to the circus open, Johnny races up, first in line to buy a ticket. the excitement overwhelms him. He walks around the circus. He sees the animals, the freak show, buys a hot dog, plays on the clowns. And then he sees it, what he's been waiting for all these years...The Big Top.

Johnny races into the tent and takes a seat. Pretty soon the tent fills up and the show begins. It's a packed house and the buzz is electric. The dancing horses come out, then the elephants, then everyone's favorite, the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act making everyone laugh. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone and says "Now we'd like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show."

All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd. and, as luck should have it, it lands on Johnny. Johnny is ecstatic, he nearly shits his pants with excitement. He can't believe his luck. The head clown comes up to him and says..

"Hey mister, are you the horse's head?"

"No." Johnny replies.

"Are you the horse's ear?"

"No"

"Are you the horse's tail?"

"No"

"Well then. You must be the horse's ASS!!!!"

And then whole tent erupts into fits of laughter all at Johnny's expense. Everyone is laughing, except for Johnny. He's as pissed as fuck. He vows then and there that next year, when the circus comes to town, he'll get his revenge on the clown.

As he's walking home, still fuming from the humiliation that the clown caused, Johnny thinks of ways that he can get back at the clown. Death, violence, poisoning....and then it hits him. Johnny will give the clown a taste of his own medicine. Next year, Johnny will blast the clown with the biggest insult ever!

The next morning Johnny flips through the phonebook looking for someone who can help him with his revenge. Then he finds an ad.

**INSULT SCHOOL - Sick of being picked on? Come to our school and soon you'll be verbally attacking people with vigor!**


'This is just what I need!!!" says Johnny. So he rings up the school and enrolls the next day.

So every day Johnny goes to the insult school, studying hard so he can learn the best and most harsh insult so he can get back at the clown. On top of this, he still stacks shelves at the supermarket to get the money for the circus. Day in, day out Johnny works his ass off.

Then his day arrives...

As soon as the circus opens it's gates Johnny barges to the front of the line, pushing people out of his way. No longer is he a kind, considerate man. He's a pissed off motherfucker hell bent on revenge. He gives the ticket seller the money, snatches the ticket, and storms off.

He sees all the regular shit. The animals, the freaks, the clowns. He's so excited that he goes into the Big Top an hour before the show starts, just so he can get a good seat. The tent begins to fill up and the show starts...

The dancing horses come out, Johnny yawns. Then the elephants, Johnny tries to stay awake. And then the act Johnny has waited a year for, the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act making everyone laugh. Johnny wonders why everyone is laughing, it's the same shit they did last year. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone, exactly the same as last year, and says "Now we'd like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show."

All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd. and, as luck should have it, again it lands on Johnny. Johnny is sits cool, calm and collected. The head clown comes up to him and says..

"Hey mister, are you the horse's head?"

"No." Johnny replies.

"Are you the horse's ear?"

"No"

"Are you the horse's tail?"

"No"

"Well then. You must be the horse's ASS!!!!"

And again the whole tent erupts with laughter. Except for Johnny. He sits there staring straight at the clown, a look of pure evil and hate on his face. The laughter quickly dies down as everyone knows something is going to happen. The crowd watched.

This is Johnny's moment. He takes a deep breath, looks at the clown and sees it is gillymor in make up and says...

























"FUCK YOU, CLOWN!"

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Feb 20 - 08:38 AM

- *I did not write this joke, I hope you enjoy it :^/

"Johnny and the Clown"

Johnny is poor and has been all his life. He doesn't mind it much, except for the fact that every year when the circus comes to town, he never gets to see it. The years pass and every year he watches the circus come and go with a tear in his eye. Then one year as the circus is leaving, he snaps. "Fuck it," he says." I'm going to get myself a job so I can see the circus."

The next day he applies for a job at a supermarket stacking shelves. He gets this job and works his heart out. He works every night stacking shelves, earning money. He spends very little, and saves heaps. He is the best worker the supermarket has ever seen. A year passes, and the circus comes to town.

As soon as the gates to the circus open, Johnny races up, first in line to buy a ticket. the excitement overwhelms him. He walks around the circus. He sees the animals, the freak show, buys a hot dog, plays on the clowns. And then he sees it, what he's been waiting for all these years...The Big Top.

Johnny races into the tent and takes a seat. Pretty soon the tent fills up and the show begins. It's a packed house and the buzz is electric. The dancing horses come out, then the elephants, then everyone's favorite, the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act making everyone laugh. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone and says "Now we'd like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show."

All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd. and, as luck should have it, it lands on Johnny. Johnny is ecstatic, he nearly shits his pants with excitement. He can't believe his luck. The head clown comes up to him and says..

"Hey mister, are you the horse's head?"

"No." Johnny replies.

"Are you the horse's ear?"

"No"

"Are you the horse's tail?"

"No"

"Well then. You must be the horse's ASS!!!!"

And then whole tent erupts into fits of laughter all at Johnny's expense. Everyone is laughing, except for Johnny. He's as pissed as fuck. He vows then and there that next year, when the circus comes to town, he'll get his revenge on the clown.

As he's walking home, still fuming from the humiliation that the clown caused, Johnny thinks of ways that he can get back at the clown. Death, violence, poisoning....and then it hits him. Johnny will give the clown a taste of his own medicine. Next year, Johnny will blast the clown with the biggest insult ever!

The next morning Johnny flips through the phonebook looking for someone who can help him with his revenge. Then he finds an ad.

**INSULT SCHOOL - Sick of being picked on? Come to our school and soon you'll be verbally attacking people with vigor!**


'This is just what I need!!!" says Johnny. So he rings up the school and enrolls the next day.

So every day Johnny goes to the insult school, studying hard so he can learn the best and most harsh insult so he can get back at the clown. On top of this, he still stacks shelves at the supermarket to get the money for the circus. Day in, day out Johnny works his ass off.

Then his day arrives...

As soon as the circus opens it's gates Johnny barges to the front of the line, pushing people out of his way. No longer is he a kind, considerate man. He's a pissed off motherfucker hell bent on revenge. He gives the ticket seller the money, snatches the ticket, and storms off.

He sees all the regular shit. The animals, the freaks, the clowns. He's so excited that he goes into the Big Top an hour before the show starts, just so he can get a good seat. The tent begins to fill up and the show starts...

The dancing horses come out, Johnny yawns. Then the elephants, Johnny tries to stay awake. And then the act Johnny has waited a year for, the clowns. The clowns run around and do their act making everyone laugh. Johnny wonders why everyone is laughing, it's the same shit they did last year. When all this is finished, the head clown picks up a microphone, exactly the same as last year, and says "Now we'd like to pick a member of the audience to help with our show."

All the lights go out and a spotlight circles the crowd. and, as luck should have it, again it lands on Johnny. Johnny is sits cool, calm and collected. The head clown comes up to him and says..

"Hey mister, are you the horse's head?"

"No." Johnny replies.

"Are you the horse's ear?"

"No"

"Are you the horse's tail?"

"No"

"Well then. You must be the horse's ASS!!!!"

And again the whole tent erupts with laughter. Except for Johnny. He sits there staring straight at the clown, a look of pure evil and hate on his face. The laughter quickly dies down as everyone knows something is going to happen. The crowd watched.

This is Johnny's moment. He takes a deep breath, looks at the clown and sees it is gillymor in make up and says...

























"FUCK YOU, CLOWN!"

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 19 Feb 20 - 08:40 AM

There are 2 punchlines for you to make up for one you missed.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 19 Feb 20 - 08:42 AM

I did read the whole thing but lol anyway.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 20 Feb 20 - 04:02 AM

"Never trust a computer you can't throw out the window" - Steve Wozniak



For those wondering, i design camouflage.

Donuel - I didn't see that coming!

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Feb 20 - 06:31 AM

When I was a kid there was a giant tall neon sign that said Jesus Saves
For years I assumed it was a Bank.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Feb 20 - 06:56 AM

-another actual memory-
I was only 4 years old but I remember my first joke. I was brought to a Planetarium. When the lights went down slowly and the night sky emerged I said out loud, knowing full well where I was, "WoW and it isn't even cold out" and was met with laughter from the entire crowd. I was hooked
but a bit miffed that some adults probably thought I was serious.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Feb 20 - 07:10 AM

A turtle gets mugged by a couple of snails and the investigating policeman asks him to state exactly what took place, turtle responds "I don't know, officer, it all happened so fast."

Another turtle/snail joke:

What did the snail say when he climbed up on the back of a turtle?

"Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeee!"

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 20 Feb 20 - 08:29 AM

Jesus saves. The Mongol hoards.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Feb 20 - 08:52 AM

Two nuns were riding their bicycles down the street. The first nun says, "I never came this way before." The second nun says, "Yeah, it's the cobblestones!"

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Feb 20 - 09:10 AM

I like these, maybe because they're American jokes?

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Feb 20 - 09:21 AM

What do you call a sophisticated American?

Canadian

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Feb 20 - 12:50 PM

The great grand nephew of Hitler and convicted child sex abuser was pardoned by Trump which was an embarrassment to the Hitler family.
Imagine being the only Hitler the family doesn't talk about.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Feb 20 - 12:57 PM

Now that's some good camouflage.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Feb 20 - 01:34 PM

People were perplexed when Trump requested a weapon that would specifically shoot through FBI body armor like butter.
Where there is a will there is a way but we are assured it is only for Special Operations
This one shoots through armor like cream cheese.

-oops , too close to the truth again

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Raggytash
Date: 20 Feb 20 - 02:04 PM

Donuel,

Shooting people is NOT funny, it is not amusing in any way, shape or form.


Come to think of it neither are your posts.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Feb 20 - 02:26 PM

I commend your indignance, As a generational survivor of the Eiensatzgruppen, shooting people is not funny to me in any way shape or form but a special exception should be made for sincere warnings. Even if you can't see a warning or read the sign, its there.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 20 Feb 20 - 03:03 PM

I come to a joke thread to read jokes, not warnings about an SS unit that was disbanded some 75 years ago.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Donuel
Date: 20 Feb 20 - 04:50 PM

I started the partisan prescription of 'Mr. Rodgers little helpers'. They cause folks to exude extreme kindness and have a blissful resignation to bad news without concern.
Side effects are ulcers and stomach cancer but
what do you expect from swallowing the problems of the world without some reaction? They are opiate FREE but contain 90% heroin.

The sister drug to Mr Rodgers helpers is for Republicans only and is just plain anerobic steroids and amphetamines.

YAWN

Sorry gillymor I was watching the Hitler Channel on cable.
I agree there is no need to leave my brain droppings all over the place. Allow mods to exponge all the offending routines, I can't clean it myself.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 20 Feb 20 - 08:53 PM

Fer chrissake...

Anyway, to revive the thread, here's Billy Connolly's rules for the over-60s:

1. Never pass up an opportunity to go for a pee.

2. Never waste an erection.

3. Never trust a fart.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Doug Chadwick
Date: 21 Feb 20 - 05:03 AM

Billy Connolly extended rule 2 (which, when I heard him, he put as rule 3 for better comic effect):

Never waste an erection, even if you are on your own.

DC

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mr Red
Date: 21 Feb 20 - 05:21 AM

so?
4) carry a spare pair of underpants

Allegedly a Harry Hill** quote:

never refuse an opportunity to stool

** He trained as a doctor BTW. Think Jerry Lewis without the fall-about antics, or the fall-about voice.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Steve Shaw
Date: 21 Feb 20 - 05:25 AM

Two exceptionally sage pieces of advice, and I'm not joking...

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 21 Feb 20 - 06:49 AM

Well who doesn't love the Hitler Channel.

It got so cold up in Vermont last week that this sign was seen in front of a nudist camp: "We're open but we're clothed"

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 21 Feb 20 - 09:27 AM

Is *that* where never trust a fart is from.

So this patient has an intractable cough the doctors have been trying everything for, but nothing worked. Finally one doc says Here, take this pill, it's my last resort. The desperate patient swallows it and then asks, what's in it? Doctor answers, it's the world's strongest laxative.

Now you don't *dare* cough.

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: gillymor
Date: 21 Feb 20 - 09:50 AM

A proctologist's nurse says "Doctor you've got a suppository behind your ear."
Doctor says "Damn, now I know where my pencil went."

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Mrrzy
Date: 23 Feb 20 - 02:21 PM

Oh, some asshole's got my pencil...

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Georgiansilver
Date: 23 Feb 20 - 08:57 PM

The Highway Patrols have recently found a large number of dead crows on Route 66. A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows and confirmed that the cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.?By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.?The investigators then called an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.?They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: frogprince
Date: 26 Feb 20 - 09:11 PM

A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar. The rabbit says, "I think I may be a typo".

Subject: RE: BS: Only Joke Thread You'll Need for 2020
From: Pappy Fiddle
Date: 26 Feb 20 - 11:55 PM

A young man married a beautiful young woman. She had beautiful golden hair, gorgeous ivory white teeth, and she could sing like an Angel.

On the morning after their wedding, the young groom wakes up and sees her beautiful golden hair on the bedpost. And there in a glass of water is her gorgeous ivory white teeth. As she stirs awake he shouts frantically, "SING FOR GOD'S SAKE, SING!"